My attempt at getting a cartoon in THE NEW YORKER

I’m forever amazed at the quality of the cartoons in THE NEW YORKER. They are consistently funny week after week. There was an HBO documentary on their cartoon editor Bob Mankoff that is worth seeing if you’re interested in this subject matter. It details the process of getting a cartoon into the magazine – a rigorous one at best.

The cartoonists, even the veterans, go up to THE NEW YORKER offices once a week and peddle their wares to Mankoff. On the one hand, you’d think that if you’ve already gotten fifty cartoons into the magazine you should just be able to just send one in and get it rubber stamped, but on the other, no guarantees mean you always have to push yourself and the cream of the crop gets selected each week based on merit not seniority.

At one time there were tons of outlets for one-panel artist/humorists. Lots of magazines bought cartoons. You could have one in THE NEW YORKER, one in PLAYBOY, one in ESQUIRE, and one in THE SATURDAY EVENING POST the same week. Now, it’s pretty much THE NEW YORKER or bust.

As a budding young cartoonist myself, I always wanted to get a cartoon in THE NEW YORKER. So in the late ‘70s I decided to investigate how I might make that happen. I called the magazine and asked how I’d submit a cartoon. They said I needed to send six or seven. They could be pencil sketches. If they bought one I would then redo it in pen and ink. I was to send them to Lee Lorenz, the cartoon editor back then.

I dashed off seven cartoons, sent them in, and received the standard form rejection letter two weeks later. But at the bottom was a hand-written note by Lee Lorenz with instructions to call him at a certain number.

So I did.

He said he liked my cartoons, thought they were very funny. He said he wasn't going to buy one but encouraged me to submit six or seven more every week for about a year. Eventually he would buy them, and he might even buy a few he had rejected earlier. But he needed to ensure that I was prolific and he could count on me to deliver on a long-term basis. “That this wasn’t just a lark.”

Unfortunately that’s exactly what it was. I said I didn’t really have the time because I was the head writer of MASH at the time. He laughed and said maybe that’s why the jokes were funny. Anyway, that was it. I never submitted more drawings. And for all I know the submission policy is now completely different.

But I have a great deal of respect for those cartoonists who did stick it out and entertain me every week. Thank you guys and gals.  Keep the flame lit. We need your laughter now more than ever.

Episode 6: Valentine’s Day with Beyonce

In this episode Ken tells about the Valentine’s Day he spent with Beyonce that resulted in them both getting a hepatitis shot.  Also, for writers everywhere, Ken gives tips on how to write better more effective dialogue.  And finally, a salute to all your favorite songs that last five seconds.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

A great Friday Question (even though it's Wednesday)

This is a great Friday Question that I felt deserved its own post.

It’s from cd1515:

Is it important when writing comedy that you actually like the character and/or the actor playing it?

If the person's a douche, is there ever a feeling of "why would I want to make THAT person look good?" and maybe give the funnier stuff to someone else in the cast you like better?

First let me say this does exist. But the percentage of actors who are truly monsters is very very low. The overwhelming majority of actors I’ve worked with (in television, features, and the stage) are lovely hard-working people and are a joy to collaborate with. There are creative differences at times, and occasionally a writer may grumble over an actor note but that’s just the process and human nature. I’m sure your boss or co-workers do things or ask for things that bug you from time to time. But it’s not intolerable. This post centers on those extreme cases when actors are hateful.

And the short answer is you bust to ass to make the script as good as possible, even if that means making the douchebag look better. It kills you but you do it.

You do it because you’re a professional. You do it because it’s your job. You do it because you don’t have “fuck you” money (yet).

But it does take every ounce of perseverance and tolerance you've got.

And it takes its toll, both physically and psychically. Especially if you’re on a weekly series, you just can’t put yourself through that for any extended period of time before you wind up in a cardiac ward or Betty Ford. You will burn out.

There’s a reason there was so much turnover on ROSEANNE, COSBY, CYBILL, and GRACE UNDER FIRE to cite just a few. Writers with any real talent leave.

It takes a lot of fortitude and dedication to your craft to write great jokes for an actress (Roseanne) who made writers wear numbers around their necks at run-throughs because she didn’t want to bother learning their names.

And you can't give funnier lines to other cast members because the star will intercept them and take the lines for themselves (even if the jokes no longer make sense). 

Unfortunately, nightmare stars know that writers will still give their best regardless so they feel they can get away with their bad behavior. Thus you hate them more, if that’s even possible.

The big question writers ask is whether the star is worth it? If your star is beloved and your show is a big hit it makes it easier to suck it up than if you’re writing for Rob Schneider and no one’s watching. Can you at least get a Goddamn Emmy out of it?

One thing writers don’t do, however, is go out of their way for these monsters.

Now, what about when a supporting cast member is an asshole? Then you give him the best material you can but try to give him as little to do as possible. If he or she becomes too much of a problem and isn’t key to the success of the series you get rid of him.

Still, as a writer you do the best you can despite your personal feelings. Remember, the audience doesn’t care.

All that said, after you’ve worked on a show with one of these ogres, when you then work with a lovely cast you are that much more appreciative. And you go out of your way times ten for them. God bless the Ted Dansons of the world.

Meanwhile, when was the last time you saw Cybill Shepherd on a series?  As opposed to say Christine Baranski? 

When a pilot is greenlit

Networks are in process of greenlighitng pilots. They announce these with press releases that various industry websites reprint. Once upon a time pilots were driven by writers. They created the shows and produced the shows… all by themselves. Networks dealt with them because they had experience and proven talent. Networks knew they were in good hands.  And they produced some monster hits.

Unfortunately, in success these writer/producers made tons of money. That was unacceptable. Everyone wanted in on the payday, whether they really contributed or not. So now things have changed… as reflected in these press releases.

This is a typical article you see on these show business websites:

(3 letter network) has given a pilot green light to (name of project), a single-camera comedy from (star of former sitcom’s) company (cutesie title) in association with (former agent now non-writing producer) and (star of former sitcom’s manager) for (studio owned by 3 letter network). (Star of former sitcom) will not appear in the series but her brother (actor who can’t get arrested) will have a featured role and co-produce.

The show was created by (writer of star's former sitcom), based on a popular (European country) sitcom, created by (European writer) who will also serve as executive producer.

(Former agent now non-writing producer) says: “(European writer) has a strong singular voice even though it’s in another language.”

(Director of hit sitcom from six years ago) will direct and executive produce along with (director’s manager) who is president of director’s (another cutesie title) production company.

(Star of current sitcom sure to be cancelled, probably because of him) is in negotiations to star along with Kim Raver.

(Name of project) is about a (person of diversity) living in a neighborhood of (different diversities) and the return of her long lost father who shows up with his new wife (former movie star who two years ago would be insulted if you offered her a TV role). (Former movie star) is also executive producer.

(Name of project) is a (major talent agency) package brokered by (major entertainment law firm).

This is the third single-camera comedy pick up for (3 letter network), the eighth for (non-writing producer), and third for Kim Raver.

Yes, that’s a lot of people, and if the pilot doesn’t go – which one do you think everyone will blame? Yep.

My thoughts on the SUPER Bowl

Here are my ramblings on yesterday’s Super Bowl. Warning:  It’s impossible to discuss without touching on politics. Politics is so a part of the story. So if you only want to read my blog when it’s politic-free, that's totally cool, have a great day and we’ll see you tomorrow (I got a comedy post planned).

To the business at hand.  WOW.  That was maybe the greatest Super Bowl in history. I know Falcon fans don’t agree. I feel your pain. Now you know what Hillary went through.

Tom Brady may be the greatest NFL quarterback ever. But I fucking hate him.

How many sportswriters used this phrase today: “Even Hollywood couldn’t write this script!”?

Sorry haters but Joe Buck did a great job. Totally on top of the action, kept you informed of all in-game situations, and set just the right dramatic tone for the unbelievable rally. Imagine Gus Johnson doing this game.

For all of the Patriots’ heroics, one more field goal by Atlanta would have iced the game, and they put themselves out of field goal range by penalties. THAT was the killer.

I wonder how many people turned the game off after the Half-time show.  Mike Pence split before the players could give him a speech on love and unity. 

What’s the point of a flyover over a closed dome stadium?

I don’t remember a Super Bowl that received as little hype as this one. And now they’ll be talking about it for XXILCIXXL years.

One of my favorite moments was when the two opposing players got their helmets entangled. Siamese Super Bowl.

Oops. Fox’s live stream went down in the fourth quarter. Putin strikes again!

Okay, now let’s get to the stuff people really tuned in for – the commercials, the Half-time show, and shots of Fox stars who will be out of work come June.

The commercials were really underwhelming again this year. Not funny. And many were confusing. How many times did you see some spot and go “What the fuck does that mean?” A western movie set falls down and it’s an ad for Snickers. Huh?

Classy doing an air freshener spot during Half-time. Actually, I think more people went to the bathroom when the Justin Bieber spot came on.

The people who say they’re going to boycott Budweiser because of that fantastic ad (where they show an immigrant, Adolphus Busch, becoming something) still have twenty cases in their basement for emergencies just like this.

They might as well boycott Audi too because their ad proposed that women should receive equal pay. Not that those people buy Audis anyway.  Instead, they’ll boycott the go-carts.

And what was the CHEERS theme doing in a Michelob commercial? It had no relation to what was happening on the screen. And it was the second sponsor that has now used it. All-State Insurance was the other I believe. Paramount hasn’t made enough money off the show? Jesus!  I hope hearing the theme again motivated you not to buy their product, but to binge-watch CHEERS again on Netflix so I can make a dime.

Don’t you find it sad that commercials that celebrated our country’s ideals of tolerance, acceptance, and opportunity are considered insults by the current president of the United States?

Lady Gaga crushed it! Can that gal make an entrance? In her case a wardrobe malfunction might have resulted in death.

My friend Andy Goldberg was hoping Tony Bennett would fly in from the open roof as well.

Considering these shows are pretty much the same now – star on giant stage, belting out their hits in highly choreographed routines with male Rockettes, changing costumes, fireworks exploding, a mosh pit of candle holders, etc. Lady Gaga really showed off her stuff. She sang, she hoofed, she tinkled, and like all truly gifted trained singers – she flew.

Some people complained she wasn’t outspoken enough. Not sure that was the place for that. I mean, it’s bad enough she sang about equality. Probably half the country boo’ed her for that.

Instead of listening to Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson gas off during half-time, wouldn’t you like to just see how they get that enormous stage on and off the field in five minutes? And all those people. Just once I’d like the third quarter to begin and during the kick off there’s some confused skeesix on the 30-yard line holding a candle.

What happens to that set? Does it go back to the $25,000 PYRAMID?

How pathetic to see Spuds MacKenzie now reduced to a translucent piñata. Did Ed Wood direct that spot?

If you were attending a Super Bowl party did you notice how all talking stopped when Christopher Walken filled the screen? And then resumed 30 seconds later when everybody said, “What the fuck was that?”

Anyway, for those who stuck around until the end, it was a comeback for the ages and just another reminder that we’re in the age of bad guys win. But take heart. There’s a new BAYWATCH movie coming and pitchers and catchers report this week.

The "lost" CHEERS scene

A yearly tradition...

For several years I had been talking about the "Lost" CHEERS scene. David and I wrote it for the 1983 Super Bowl Pre-game show to promote our fledgling series. They ran it just before game time and it was seen by 80,000,000 people. Nothing we've ever written before or since has been seen by that many eyeballs at one time. But the scene was never repeated. It never appeared on any DVD's. It just disappeared.

Until a couple of years ago.

Sportswriter supreme, Joe Resnick has taped every Super Bowl including that one. And since the scene aired so close to the game, it was on the tape.  Sadly, Joe passed away last year.   You can read my tribute to him here.

Thanks to friend of the blog, Howard Hoffman, he was able to digitize it and post it on YouTube.  Here's the text of the scene.

So here it is. The Super Bowl is next.

The man who wrote for kings

Edward Anhalt was one of the great screenwriters of all-time. A multi-Oscar winner he amassed a tremendous body of impressive work.

In the early 60’s he learned that producer Hal B. Wallis was planning to make a movie of the play BECKET. That subject matter was Anhalt’s absolute passion. He considered himself an expert on the era. No one knew the period as well. He went to Wallis with an impassioned plea that he and he alone was right for this assignment. Wallis made him a deal. Anhalt could write BECKET but he had another project that also needed a writer. If Anhalt would do that first he could have his coveted assignment. Anhalt happily agreed.

So in the same year Mr. Edward Anhalt wrote BECKET and GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS starring Elvis Presley and Stella Stevens.

Moral of this story: If you’re lucky enough to get an assignment on some horrible cheesy Disney Channel show about kids in leprechaun jr. high take heart. Next year you could be on GAME OF THRONES.

Friday Questions

Your Friday Questions answered here.

Ted Kilvington is appropriately up first.

First time caller, long time listener. Based on all your podcasting experience, what tips do you have for a podcast n00bie?

My extensive podcasting experience (over a month now) would suggest this: Utilize the same principles as regular broadcasting. Think of the listener first. What would HE find interesting? What added value can you provide to HIS life? Choose topics he can relate to and/or will entertain him.

And then there’s YOU. Whatever your subject matter, there are probably dozens if not hundreds of other podcasts touching on the same territory. So the difference is YOU – your personality, your insight, your communication skills.

For my podcast, the only thing really unique I have to offer is ME – my take, my approach, my sense of humor. And I have to be true to that. The podcast will either be a success or not, but I’m not going to change my personality or style to chase listeners. I live by the words of the greatest existential philosopher of them all – Popeye the sailor man – who so brilliantly said, “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.”

Good luck with your podcast. Hopefully, you and everybody reading this will subscribe to mine. Just click on the button right underneath the masthead. 

From Matt, Westwood CA about one of my favorite all-time writers.

I've always been a big fan of David Lloyd, one of the all-time great sitcom writers. When people talk about so much writing talent influenced by THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, I've always noticed the continuity of writing talent that spawned from MTM to TAXI to CHEERS and FRASIER. For writing and directing, the one common thread is David Lloyd and James Burrows are the only ones to write and direct episodes of all 4 series. Since you worked with and knew David Lloyd, I'd love to know your personal favorite of his scripts from each show. I know you attended the famous Chuckles episode filming, if that is your favorite MTM, please note second favorite as he wrote so many great mtm's.

There are so many it’s hard to choose. For THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW I would say an episode called “The Critic.” The acerbic reviews from the newly hired WJM movie critic were vintage David Lloyd.

For CHEERS it would be “Diane’s Perfect Date” from season one – the episode that introduced us to Andy Andy (although I was the one who named him).

“Jim Joins the Network” is my favorite David Lloyd TAXI episode. Reverend Jim becomes a TV network executive. It’s a wonderful satire on the industry.

Finally, for FRASIER I would pick “the Innkeeper.” Frasier and Niles buy a restaurant. Disaster after disaster hilariously occurs on opening night highlighted by a car crashing through the place. (Jim Burrows directed and the car stunt was done live before the studio audience.) 

I recommend you watch all of those episodes. Hey, I should watch them all again myself. 

ChipO asks:

According to your podcast, your name is Levine, rhymes with wine. I've know several Levines who pronounced their name to rhyme with bean.

Obviously both are correct. Any insight for us goyim?

You say tomato…

There is no rhyme nor reason for it. I like to tell people that west of the Mississippi it’s pronounced “Le-Vine” and east of the Mighty Mississip it’s “Le-Veen.” But that of course is nonsense. It’s just fun to see who believes me.

And finally, Harrison from Albany wonders:

The Cheers episodes that feature Harry the Hat are among my favorites, and "Pick a Con... Any Con" is my all-time favorite. Did all of the many cons originate with the writers, or did they solicit Harry Anderson for anything he thought would work well, given his extensive background in magic (and television). I'm thinking of the smaller cons he'd pull, not the ones that plots were built on.

I’ll be honest. Harry Anderson gave us a lot of those cons, including the one in “Pick a Con… Any Con.” Writers would occasionally dream up those things, and David Isaacs & I thought up most of the Bar Wars episodes and stings ourselves, but we learned a ton from Harry. My advice if you know him: Don’t exchange a twenty for change. You’ll somehow end up with five singles and be out a hundred dollars.

What is your Friday Question? I also answer these on my podcast so if you write a question, tune in to see if I’ve answered yours. Thanks.

Mary Tyler Who?

A friend said his Millennial daughter was in a college class last week when word came of Mary Tyler Moore’s death. The professor thought this was big enough news that she announced it to the class. The reaction: no reaction. Hardly any of the students knew who she was.

Mary Tyler Moore was a big enough celebrity that several major networks devoted hour tributes to her (even some that only used Oprah sparingly). If you knew who Mary Tyler Moore was it was a big deal. More than just a beloved entertainer, she helped paved the way for feminism in the 1970’s. She affected people’s lives.

And today’s generation can’t quite place the name.

At first that is shocking. And then again it’s not. How would they know who Mary Tyler Moore is? THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, in my humble old school opinion is one of the finest sitcoms ever produced. It hit all the targets – consistently laugh-out-loud funny, characters you cared about, and groundbreaking subject matter that helped shape society in a positive way. For the sake of convenience, they should have just held the Emmy award ceremony on the MTM set in the ‘70s.

But for whatever reason the show didn’t age well. And storylines that were somewhat revolutionary back then – a single woman working, a single woman spending a night at a man’s apartment, a single woman on the pill, a single woman fighting for equality in a man’s world – those stories no longer have the same punch. The series feels and looks a little dated.  So the bottom line is you don’t see THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW in syndication as much. It’s on nostalgia channels and streaming services but you have to really seek it out. By the way, it’s WORTH seeking out.

And then there’s THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. There too Mary Tyler Moore was trailblazing – a young wife wearing pants, wanting more than just to be a housewife, being an equal to her husband – in the ‘60s these were radical concepts. And it didn’t hurt that every guy in America had a crush on her. But that was fifty years ago. That’s a long time. And the show is in black-and-white. I know lots of Millennials who won’t watch anything in black-and-white. THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW has had a good long run. But will it fade into the sunset, taking “Laura Petrie” with it?

We always say in tributes that these performers will live on forever, but that’s really not true. Some do. They’re the fortunate ones whose body of work is still being seen and appreciated. Lucy. Bogart. Cary Grant. Sinatra. Or they’re Hollywood Babylon – Marilyn Monroe.

And it’s hard to imagine that someone who could be SO famous, SO beloved, SO known by 100% of the population could be virtually forgotten in only twenty or thirty years. How many people under forty know who Bob Hope was? Or Jack Benny? Or Johnny Carson? And again, how would they?

How long do the Beatles have? Or Elvis? Or Michael Jackson?

What big stars from today will live on fifty years? Or, for that matter, other than THE SIMPSONS, what current show will even survive fifty years? Who will join that I LOVE LUCY, MASH pantheon? 2 BROKE GIRLS?  I don't think so. 

I’ll extend the question to semi-current shows. So FRIENDS? Maybe. CHEERS and FRASIER? I hope but don’t know. CHEERS has already lasted thirty years so it’s getting there. SEINFELD? I’d give better odds on FRIENDS.

Of course when we were making MASH we never thought the show would still be around today. We would have been paralyzed writing it if we did. But it’s a little unsettling to think that shows or people who can be so ingrained in popular culture and so adored by the entire world could be forgotten in a few short decades. Or in the case of Mary Tyler Moore, forgotten even while she was alive.

Homer Simpson will outlive all of us.

Episode 5: My One Night Stand

Ken reveals what the Netflix algorithm thinks he wants to watch--we can't explain it, but they really think he wants to see Escorts, Love Actually, and Zootopia. Ok, maybe he does actually want to watch Escorts. And just think about what those "smart" algorithms think people who've been searching "golden showers" lately want to watch. Ken also talks about a fateful day in radio that made the staff consider murdering him. He takes the opportunity to publicly apologize for a stunt he played on a big-time DJ many moons ago. Plus, he tells the craziest audience testing story ever. Finally, Ken interviews the amazing voiice of the Mets, Chargers, and UCLA (we are tired just typing that), Josh Lewin. Enjoy!

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

How do you know if something is funny?

This is always the big question comedy writers wrestle with. How do you know if a joke is really funny? Or a scene or plot twist?

One theory is to write what YOU think is funny. And that’s fine… up to a point. You may have an offbeat comic sensibility that only a select few would find equally hilarious. Your personal sense of humor might be too dark or goofy or raunchy or erudite for broader audiences.  But if you don't think something is funny you're probably right. 

One suggestion is get a writing partner. Being able to bounce your jokes off another person is invaluable. The key here is finding a partner whose comic sense you trust. I’ve had the luxury of having a great partner, David Isaacs, for my entire career. It was always more important to me that he thought something I said was funny instead of what I thought.

Giving your script to others you trust is also helpful. But not everyone knows how to read a script. Not everyone can picture what’s on the screen based on text.  And this goes for people in the industry.  I know agents and network executives who can't read a script.   Scary, no?  Also, you need to find objective readers. Friends and family will often blow sunshine up your skirt.

When I’m writing alone, here’s what I do:

I always try to visualize an audience of complete strangers and whether or not they would laugh at this. And I try to be tough. I’ll say, “this is a smile at best” or “this might get a little chuckle.” In those cases I’ll try to beat the jokes and raise the expectations up to “possible laugh.”

Am I always right? Of course not. But I’m right more often than not. And there are more good lines in the draft because I was dogged and didn’t settle. But you never really know what works. As I’ve mentioned numerous times before, live audiences will laugh at one joke one night and another the next.

But I will say this. Maybe I’m wrong predicting a certain joke will get a laugh, but I’m almost always right predicting when a joke isn’t good enough. If I can’t picture an audience laughing at a line I wrote there’s a damn good chance it will bomb in front of a real audience. So I keep working, keep striving, keep trying to find that golden line that will hit the bullseye.

Bottom line: be tough on yourself, and for that audience in your head, don’t let it be filled with relatives of the actors or tourists who are just thrilled to be seeing a TV show, or a fraternity that stopped in thinking they were at a bachelor party.

Good God! The power is out!

You never think these things are going to happen to YOU, but son of a bitch, this one recently did. 

We got a notice at our house from the Department of Water of Power. They said they were doing some sort of maintenance and our power would be shut off from 9:00 am until 3:00 pm.

OH NO!!!

I am writing this on my battery-driven laptop.

You don’t realize how completely dependent you are on electricity until the prospect that it will be taken away.

I, at first, went into complete panic mode. No INTERNET? No TV use? Forget watching shows I recorded, I can’t even watch anything? My screener of A MONSTER CALLS is rendered useless? Nor can I stream? Or binge?

Oh yeah, and there’s no heat or lights.

I next went into action-mode. Make sure the phone was charged, make sure the iPad was charged, make sure the Kindle was charged, make sure my razor was charged, make sure my laptop was charged. I even checked to make sure there were batteries in the remote before I realized, what difference does it make? The TV doesn’t work. I also added additional minutes to my iPad data plan. One can never be too safe. The forecast was for rain. A fleeting thought: Do umbrellas need to be recharged? No. I was good.

After a fitful night’s sleep (you can imagine with all of this weighing heavy on my head) I awoke early enough to read and respond to my morning email, check that the coffee was brewing, double-check that the refrigerator door was closed and sealed so nothing inside would spoil (that jello mold from Thanksgiving still eerily looks exactly the same), scan my daily webpages, and then shut off my desktop so there’s no danger of a power surge.

It was like I was preparing for a natural disaster, taking all precautions, facing this emergency crisis head on. No undue hardship was going to lick this Spartan soldier.

Meanwhile, my wife got in her car and just drove off for the day.

Butch Cassidy and the Intern Kid

Here’s a Friday Question that prompted an entire post.

Greg Gibson asked:

On many occasions over the years, I've heard actors in interviews say that the spent "two weeks working in a restaurant kitchen" or rode around in a patrol car or lived in a cave for two months or something while they "researched" the role they were playing. I always assumed they were simply being pretentious, but does this actually happen? Is it possible that when you go out for dinner, Meryl Streep is in the back making your salad, or that you may stumble across Robert De Niro someday while out hiking in the woods?

More than possible, it happened to me. I was a sports intern at KMPC in Los Angeles when the General Manager came into the newsroom and said there was somebody about to do a movie on radio and wanted to spend a few days observing a station. Would I mind ushering him around for two days? I said I’d be happy to and the General Manager then brought in Paul Newman. He was about to do a film called WUSA. This was late ‘60s/early ‘70s so we’re talking the BUTCH CASSIDY/STING Paul Newman. I almost plotzed.

He turned out to be the nicest guy in the world. Very down-to-earth. Oh, if only there were selfies back then!

Lots of actors do research. Ted Danson went to bartending school when he got the CHEERS gig.

But that’s NOTHING.

For SOPHIE’S CHOICE Meryl Streep learned German and Polish and learned to speak German with a Polish accent.

Forrest Whitaker tops that. In preparation for playing dictator Idi Amin he moved to Uganda and learned how to play the accordion (Amin was an accordion player) even though he did not have to play an accordion in the movie. He also learned how to speak Swahili (but what actor doesn’t do that?)

Rooney Mara got real piercings for THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTTOO including her nipples.

Marlon Brando’s first movie role was in THE MEN. He spent a month in a VA rehab ward.

Daniel Day-Lewis spent two days in a prison cell without food or water to prep for IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER. And for MY LEFT FOOT he spent the entire shoot in a wheelchair.

Finally, there’s Bobby DeNiro. Everyone knows he gained a ton of weight for RAGING BULL. And he trained with a professional boxer. But did you know he also moved in with Joe Pesci for awhile to establish their chemistry?

As you can see, actors make great sacrifices for their art. But none was greater than Paul Newman, forced to spend two entire days with me.

Guys are not going to want to f**k her

This is a repost from a bunch of years ago, but with the beginning of pilot season I feel it's important to share it again.  For everybody who thinks Hollywood actors have it so easy and glamorous here's the nitty gritty on what they really go through to get on a pilot.  Submitted again with deep appreciation...

My heart always goes out to actors during pilot season (which this is). Here’s how hard it is to become a cast member of a hit series:

When a writer/producer gets the good/bad news that his pilot has been greenlighted the first thing he does is hire a casting director and together they prepare a list of possible worthy candidates for each part. They then meet with the network casting person. She responds to your list. “No, no, hate him, uch, no, no, no, uch, no.” If one of those “uchs” is you you’re dead.

The network casting person will then present her list. One name sticks out. The writer/producer tells her he won’t cast this guy because he killed his grandmother. The network casting maven says, “Well, he didn’t kill a member of your immediate family. Read him anyway.” Basically writer/producers are expected to pursue the names on her list. If you haven’t already been eliminated you’re now at a huge disadvantage if you’re going up against one of these golden names. (By the way, it is very easy to go from this list one year to "uch" the next. Beware.)

Now comes the reading process. Out of all the pilots there may only be a few roles you’re right for. There are also a few more you’re not right for but you apply anyway. You can play Asian if you have to, no sweat.

Your agent submits your name. The casting director may not think you’re right or not be a fan and you’re dead. Assuming you’re over that hurdle you’re invited in to read. There usually are a hundred or more actors reading for every role. Great odds, huh? In these initial sessions you’re usually reading for a committee – the writer/producers, the pod producers, a couple of studio representatives. All you need is one of them to not like you and you’re toast. And by “not like” that could mean “too tall”, “good but we’ve seen him in things”, “he was my waiter last week at the Daily Grill and was terrible”, and “guys are not going to want to fuck her”.

Now there’s a new wrinkle. Networks insist the auditions be recorded and sent to them for perusal. Let’s say you’re reading for a part you’re not right for. Or you just didn’t do well. Not only are you dead but now the network gets to see your bad audition and you’re now on the “no, uch” list for other projects. So for the seven pilots you’re going up for, that one audition just cost you four of them.

Ready to go back to Michigan and teach 5th grade yet?

You make the cut. You get a call-back. By that time you’re not sure what you did that they liked so much? Can you do it again, whatever it is?

You’re on a roll. You kill at the call-back. You’re now a finalist. Your agent makes a deal contingent on studio and network approval.

You read for the studio. Another committee, mostly made up of non-creative types. All it takes is one to hate you.

They don’t hate you. You move on to the network test. You and four other candidates are led into a screening room one at a time where you audition for the network president (and a committee but when the network prez is there their opinions mean nothing).

Talk about pressure. Let’s say you were up for the role of “Rachel” in this pilot called FRIENDS. How different would your life be depending on whether or not you got that part?

You can hit it out of the park and still not get the part. The network president may be partial to a name on his golden list. He may have no ability to judge talent. He may not want to fuck you.

By some miracle he likes you. But there’s a hang-up. He still wants a bigger name. So you hold your breath while the producers make an eleventh hour plea to Paula Marshall. She passes. They settle for … I mean “cast” you.

You’re in, right? Not so fast.

During the week of production there are network table readings and runthroughs. You could get fired at any one of them. And it’s not necessarily your fault. The material could be awful, the director gave you bad direction, they never really wanted you in the first place.

But you survive the week of production and film the pilot. Now comes research and test screenings. I’ve observed these focus groups. One woman says she hates you. Why? She can’t believe you wore those shoes. (That’s a true story.) The network says if the show goes forward you’re to be replaced.

That’s IF she show goes forward. You could give the performance of a lifetime but if the show doesn’t get picked up you’re dead. And again, there are sooooo many factors that go into that decision that have nothing to do with you... although your life depends on it.

There is a God. The show gets picked up. You’ve tested okay. You’re home free now.

Uh, no.

There may be an actor from a pilot that didn’t get picked up that the network really loves. They want to make a place for him. That could well be your role. Again, you’re dead.

But that doesn’t happen. Not in this case. You get on the air. I’ve seen actors replaced after three or four episodes (although it’s fairly rare) but chances are you’re safe…

IF the show becomes a hit. How many shows get canceled? About 90%.

You can understand why my heart goes out to actors. I just can’t imagine facing that level of constant rejection. So congratulations to all the actors who do make it. Savor each and every moment. Go to the parties. Be in the parades. Do the photo shoots. Fly in the company jet. You’ve won the lottery. Also, print this out and read it in three years when you start wondering if the show is holding you back.

Good luck this pilot season, thesps!

Ohmygod! Kellyanne Conway's stand-up act!

This is not to be believed no matter what side of the aisle you're on.  Kellyanne Conway in the late '90's tried her hand at stand-up comedy.  I'm not kidding.  It's jaw dropping.  And it's legit.  Thanks to the AV Club for the heads up.   This is what we in the business call an "Enemy of Comedy."  See for yourself.

Friday Questions

Getcha Friday Questions here!

Joe starts us off, primarily because it gave me an excuse to post the above photo:

Ken, I know you met Moe Howard and Zsa Zsa Gabor, among many others. Did you ever meet Natalie Wood?

Not per se. I never “met” her or talked to her, but I did see her several times in the MGM commissary. She was filming her last movie, BRAINSTORM, and my partner and I had our office on the lot at the time. I don’t have to tell you my tongue was on the ground.

Brian is up next.

It's fun to see Tom Hanks in an early role in Taxi, or Sherilynn Fenn in Cheers. Who are among your favorite, "...and NOW look at them" people that you and David Isaacs had a hand in getting an early role/assignment?

We gave Katy Sagal her first TV job on MARY. We gave Jenna Elfman her first gig on ALMOST PERFECT. Timothy Busfield’s first national exposure came from AFTERMASH. If I’m not mistaken, we (the staff of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW) gave Annette O’Toole her first job. What made “discovering” them even more rewarding is that they all are really super people. I am thrilled with their success.

Tim B queries:

Ever been asked to be on a sitcom writing staff, or to be the showrunner, and declined?

Yes. Several times, and believe me, I felt incredibly fortunate every time that my career was such that I was able to be that picky.

One example:  In 1997 Arsenio Hall had a sitcom on ABC that was a trainwreck. Supposedly during a runthrough he made the showrunner cry. We were asked to come in and take over the show. There were only a few more episodes left and the money was good, but we had no desire to walk into that propeller. Our agent accepted our decision but said, “If you guys were twice as crazy you’d be twice as rich.” Probably so but I'd be writing this today from Bellevue.

From Frank Beans:

Did Kelsey Grammer sing every single one of the ending credits theme song live on stage in a different take each episode?

No. He never sang it live for the audience. Those were done in a recording studio.

A. L. Crivaro asks:

How come I never read of or hear anyone in Hollywood discussing the utter brilliance that is Galaxy Quest? Especially in the comedy world? Every time I watch it, I am amazed by how good it is in EVERY regard. But it seems like it gets zero love/recognition. Why is that?

Your question has prompted lots of comments from the readers. GALAXY QUEST definitely has its fans. I'm one of them.  I agree it’s very unappreciated.

I was directing Tony Shalhoub in a sitcom episode and asked what he had been up to lately. He said he made this bizarre space movie and was holding his breath. He said “this is either going to be really good or really terrible.” Happily for all concerned, it was really good.

What’s your Friday Question? Or question for my podcast? Leave them here and I will try to get to as many as I can. Thanks much.

The CBS tribute to Mary Tyler Moore

Thursday night CBS paid tribute to Oprah Winfrey. Also mentioned occasionally was Mary Tyler Moore.

On the one hand, nice of CBS to shelve reruns of LIFE IN PIECES and THE GREAT INDOORS so they could salute Ms. Winfrey... I mean, Ms. Moore. On the other hand, what a slapdash hour. You really get the feeling they scrambled to get guests. They mentioned that THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW employed women writers yet never mentioned a single one by name or showed one. I would have much preferred to see and hear Treva Silverman than the CBS movie critic. Or Oprah.

Obviously this show had to be put together quickly, but they couldn’t find one MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW cast member or producer to come on? Instead we saw five minutes of her bad movie with Elvis. And Oprah.

A better tribute might have been to show full scenes from THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW and MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. Give the audience, especially the younger audience who might have been unfamiliar with her, a chance to really see her artistry. Instead we got five-second clips. And Oprah.

I'm sorry but WJM could have done better.

The madness of pilot season for actors

Just as the swallows return every year to Capistrano, actors from all over the world flock to Southern California this week. It’s pilot season.

Yes, that one magic time of the year when networks greenlight pilots for the upcoming season. So let the casting begin!

For local Los Angeles residents, this explains why there’s now gridlock on the freeways, constant lines at Starbucks, and no sublets or rental cars are available from El Centro to Pismo Beach.

This is a pressure-packed time for actors. There’s never a guarantee that you’re going to land a pilot… unless you’re Kim Raver.

It’s a crazy system the networks acknowledge, always say they’re going to change, but don’t. Since they all are on the same timetable it means that dozens of pilots are all casting at the same time. Actors lucky enough to be in the game race around town auditioning. Sony at 10:15 for a sitcom, Warners at 1:45 for a procedural, Fox at 4: 20 for some legal drama now starring Kim Raver.

It gets to the point they’re not just passing each other on Coldwater Canyon; they’re passing themselves.

And those thesps not in the game hope to get in the game. Their agents and managers are frantically on the phone to casting directors, begging them to see their clients.   There are lots of actors who fly across the country at their own expense, find housing for two months, and never get a single audition. 

On the other hand, the truly lucky actors who are hot now face difficult decisions. They’re offered four separate pilots. Which to take? Which looks like it might go? Which looks like it has good writers at the helm? Which films in Vancouver? Which looks like it has legs? Saying yes to a pilot commits you for several years if it gets picked up. Are you signing up for a trip to the moon or the Hotel California? And you need to make those decisions NOW because they’re moving on in fifteen minutes.

The pilot season is brief. About a month for the first round. Once the pilots start filming the second round begins. That’s because networks routinely fire one or more actors after table readings. And sometimes those fired actors can still latch onto another pilot.

So the most insane game of musical chairs commences. Producers have their own hell, but my heart goes out to these actors. Pilot season can be life changing. It can also be soul-crushing. There’s only so many times the guard at the Galaxy Avenue gate doesn’t have your drive-on before you want to blow your brains out. Or the last parking space in the lot was taken… by Kim Raver.

Episode 4: Scaring Tourists and Other Delights

As if Ken Levine didn't offer you enough with his blog and podcast, now he's offering you tips on getting more laughs. Ken teaches comedy writing, and this episode is begins with some thoughts on whether you can teach people how to be funny (spoiler alert: not really). Even though you probably have to be born humorous, you can learn how to refine your existing comedic sensibility. He also shares the crazy casting story ever! David Isaacs and Ken Levine were casting a pilot, and things got a little wild (let's just say there was nudity involved).Plus, hear a clip that is essentially a master class in comedic timing.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

RIP Mary Tyler Moore

Sorry to hear of the passing of Mary Tyler Moore. She truly was a giant of television and it was an honor to collaborate with her for a year. No one was more professional or better prepared. And as a performer she was utterly amazing. Absolutely pitch perfect take after take.

It always seemed like she led a charmed life, but it was filled with health issues, struggles, addictions, and personal tragedies.  And yet she courageously fought through all of them... while still keeping that smile.  

She leaves behind a long legacy of excellence and future generations will fall in love with her just as we all have. RIP Mary. RIP Laura.

NOCTURNAL ANIMALS -- my sort of review

Amy Adams calls her agent.

AMY: Hey there.

AGENT: Hey yourself. This is so freaky. I’ve been in “Amy Adams Land” all morning, fielding projects for you.

AMY: Listen, I am so exhausted. I just finished JUSTICE LEAGUE. I’ve played Lois Lane three times now. All the running and CGI stunts – I’m pooped. And then ARRIVAL, I had to wear this bulky space suit, and those weightless stunts – ugh! For my next picture please find me something a little less taxing.

AGENT: Meaning what, love?

AMY: Think Bob Newhart on NEWHART. He just stood behind a counter. I want a role like that. But Oscar worthy certainly.

AGENT: I’ll see what I can do. I’ll be in “Matt Damon Land” this afternoon and then “the second daughter on MODERN FAMILY Land” tonight, but I’ll be back in your land first thing in the morning.

AMY: Thanks. I’m tired of being kidnapped or playing scenes with giant squids.

AGENT:  Amen to that.  Amen to that.

The next day Amy gets a call from her agent.

AMY: Hello?

AGENT: Amy, darling, it’s me, Mr. “I heard you and am delivering big time as I always do.”

AMY: Whatcha got?

AGENT: The perfect project for you. It’s called NOCTURNAL ANIMALS.

AMY: What’s it about?

AGENT: I don’t know.

AMY: You don't know because you only read my part or the movie is confusing?

AGENT: No, I think because it’s not about anything. What was SUPERMAN about?

AMY: Fair point. So what do I do in this movie?

AGENT: You read.

AMY: Read what?

AGENT: A book.

AMY: Then what?

AGENT: That’s pretty much it. I think there are some scenes in restaurants where you wait for people, but pretty much you read a book. No dialogue to memorize either.

AMY: Sounds promising, but how will I get an Oscar nomination?

AGENT: There’s this amazing scene where you get a paper cut.

AMY: Oooooooh! I could squint, I could curse, I could yelp, I could be brave, I could faint –

AGENT: I can think of maybe three other actresses in the world who could pull that off. And Fran Drescher doesn’t make movies.

AMY: Why am I reading this book?

AGENT: Your ex-husband sent it to you. He wrote this novel that is supposed to hit home and make you uncomfortable.

AMY: So I can squirm while reading it? Oooh, wait! I know. I’ll wear glasses while I’m reading.

AGENT: God, that is brilliant!

AMY: Hmmmm. I also want to show my sexuality, remind people that I’m hot. Oh, I know. I could read the book while taking a bath for some scenes.

AGENT: Inspired. I’m sure you could demand a rewrite.

AMY: It was hard for my fans to jerk off to me in ARRIVAL. I broke down language code.

AGENT: Your fans will be screaming: “Take the glasses off!”

AMY: I love it! Tell them I want the part.

AGENT: Great. Want me to send over the script?

AMY: Yes, yes! Great preparation. I can rehearse reading.

NOCTURNAL ANIMALS continues to play at some cineplexes.

My thoughts on today's Oscar nominations

The Academy Award nominations were announced today. No real surprises actually. Films that sent out the most screeners were nominated. Films that gave you a code to stream didn’t fare as well.

There has been lots of grumbling in the past about lack of diversity so there’s a lot of diversity.

What there is not a lot of is suspense. LA LA LAND figures to run the table.  Sorry... SPOILER ALERT (even though the ceremony is a month away). 

For all that diversity, they snubbed Taraji P. Henson, who was fantastic and I’m sorry but way more deserving than Meryl Streep this year.

If Meryl Streep wins it’s only so she could rip Trump again in her acceptance speech.

Mel Gibson received a Best Director nomination meaning either Hollywood forgives, Hollywood is less concerned about anti-Semitism these days, Scorsese's film was just unwatchable, or he made a wonderful movie and deserves it. It makes no difference because Damien Chazelle is going to win for LA LA LAND.

Yes, Martin Scorsese was snubbed. Hey Marty, make movies people – anybody – wants to watch.

I think the “In Memoriam” section will be an hour this year.   Fifteen minutes alone for Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds.

What’s interesting about LA LA LAND is that not everybody loved it. I didn’t. Since when is it okay to do a musical where the stars can’t sing?

Of the list of Best Picture candidates I’d vote for HELL OR HIGH WATER. But it has no shot. I’d also vote for HIDDEN FIGURES. No shot either.

MANCHESTER BY THE SEA is probably the top runner-up, but it’s a downer and LA LA LAND is an upper. If only MANCHESTER had some songs.

The only categories I don’t think LA LA LAND will triumph are Best Actor and Actress. Casey Affleck and Natalie Portman might prevail.  Both can sing.

SULLY was snubbed. Okay, Clint Eastwood – staunch Republican – I can see where Hollywood kicked him to the curb, but Tom Hanks? Hey, what did he ever do?  I hope the Academy is not holding VOLUNTEERS against him.

How did ARRIVAL get all these nominations and none for Amy Adams? Unless voters confused this with her performance in NOCTURNAL ANIMALS (my sort-of review of that comes tomorrow).

There was speculation that DEADPOOL would get a Best Picture nod – it being a film that people actually SAW. But it was not to be. If Deadpool was mourning the loss of a family member that would put it over the top.  Might be food for thought for the sequel.

Nate Parker is learning that the Academy frowns on sexual assault charges. BIRTH OF A NATION was DOA.

Boy, the Academy loves Nicole Kidman, don’t they?

This might be the first award show ever that Lin-Manuel Miranda doesn’t win.

It’ll be interesting to see who wins the Consolation Oscar (which this year is Best Original Screenplay). Kenneth Lonergan for MANCHESTER BY THE SEA or  Taylor Sheridan for HELL OR HIGH WATER?

But congratulations to all the nominees. Enjoy the next few weeks.  The big night is February 26.  The NFL won't still be playing, will it?

As always I will be filing my bitchy Oscar review the morning after the ceremony. But this year I’m doing something different. I am not posting it on my blog. I am delivering it on my podcast. There will be a new episode that Monday morning. It’ll give me a chance to really riff. So if you want to hear it, please subscribe. Click on the button under the masthead. Hopefully I’ll be funnier unleashed.

Here's a full list of the nominees.

What happened to the Sundance Film Festival?

Remember when the Sundance Film Festival was a modest event where young independent filmmakers could be discovered? Someone obscure like Kevin Smith could make a little black-and-white film in a New Jersey convenience store starring his buddies for saved-up allowance money and get it shown at Sundance? What a great opportunity for kids who had no connections, no major representation, no track record to be seen and heard.

The films were uneven but so what? That was the fun of Sundance. You never knew what you’d find. And along the way you’d encounter wonderful, daring, original material.

Unfortunately, Hollywood took notice. They snatched up the best of these little gems and distributed them. A few made money. So major studios opened indie divisions. Agents and studio people started gravitating to Park City. “Reception” stopped meaning a little post-screening party at a local pub; it meant: “how many bars are you getting on your cellphone?”

For Hollywood it was perfect – a chance to buy pre-existing product they didn’t have to develop and fund, a ski vacation they could write off, and most important – a chance to finally get out of town. After taking the entire month of December off, they had been back at work for three whole weeks. Finally! Some light at the end of the tunnel.

Sundance became not about showing but selling. Bidding wars broke out for desired projects. Novice meggers were getting signed by the major ten-percentereries. Show business had arrived at the slopes.

Thus it became much harder to get your film accepted by Sundance. The amount of entries swelled to a ridiculous number. And since investors figured out there was gold in them ‘thar Utah hills, they started making movies with ringers. Known actors began appearing in these small films. Then big actors. Needless to say, these were now the films being selected. And why not? More buzz for the festival. Movie stars up close and personal. Ben Affleck getting out of a cab!

Now there are big press conferences, lavish parties, national coverage. I find it interesting that there are reviews of Sundance movies even though 99.9999999% of the readers haven’t seen them and have no access to them. It’s one thing when there are panel discussions for critics for TV shows that will premier in a few weeks. It’s another for movies at best will appear in your neighborhood art theatre in eight months or a year. So why do I care how Rashida Jones got her Sundance movie made? She got her movie made because she’s Rashida Jones. How did the kid who sold his stamp collection to fund a feature-length movie, filmed it entirely on his iPhone, and edited it off an app he uploaded – how did he get his movie made and accepted? The trouble is there are very few if any stories like that anymore, at least at Sundance.

So when I read that movies starring Jon Hamm, Jeremy Renner, Nick Offerman, Amber Tamblyn, Bruce Dern, Keanu Reeves, John Krasinski, Sam Elliott, Krsyten Ritter, Carrie Preston, Aubrey Plaza, Elizabeth Olsen, Abbi Jacobson, Allison Brie, and Molly Shannon (to name but a few) have beaten the odds to make the long journey to Sundance I have to scoff. The only way Jay & Silent Bob break into Sundance now is if Kristen Stewart directs their motion picture.

And then this weekend, the studio that produced the ABC sitcom DOWNWARD DOG got Sundance to screen four episodes for a full house screening in the hopes that the strong reaction will change ABC's mind about the upcoming series.  It is slated to premier in the summer, pretty much as a throwaway.  So has that what the festival has now become, a way to better position network television series?   

I miss the Sundance Film Festival.

Is THAT still on?

There are hit shows on television that I didn’t realize were still on the air.  Someone recently mentioned QUANTICO and I said, “That’s still going?” Apparently it’s doing very well without me thank you.   This kind of goes along with that survey I posted recently that revealed that most Americans don't even know shows that are nominated for awards. 

My normal viewing habit is to sample a show if it seems intriguing for any reason and then either give it a few more tries or never come back. But in the past, I remained aware that those shows I abandoned were still on the schedule. Perhaps it was because I was more in the business and would check the weekly ratings but also because there were far fewer shows, and the way I view television is now radically different. And it’s probably even less radically different from the way YOU watch television.

When watching shows in real time you see promos. So even though I might not be on the QUANTICO train (I watched the pilot, thought it was stupid, bailed), I was still aware of its continued existence. But I never watch shows in real time anymore.  Does anybody?  Now that I record everything, and zap through the endless commercials and promos, these discarded shows get erased from my memory. Also, since I record everything for later playback, I have no idea what the time slots are for these shows I snare. They just appear.

It doesn’t help that series are making fewer episodes so they disappear for long stretches. Is the show on hiatus or gone permanently? Unless you’re a TV critic who’s going to keep track of all of this? And I bet a few of them channel surf and go “QUANTICO’s still on?”

There are so many shows, so much clutter, and new viewing habits like binging. There will come a point where it’s not just the viewer who doesn’t know if a certain show is still on the air – the showrunner will be confused as well. For all I know CBS is trying to reach me to say “When are we going to get the next episode of ALMOST PERFECT? We can’t keep running NCIS in its place forever.”

Do not try this at home

I'm currently teaching a graduate spec sitcom writing class at UCLA and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.  I'm alerting my students to these traps.  So why not share the advice with you? 

Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.

Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.

And just because people tell you you look like Kaley Cuoco (pictured above) doesn’t mean you should write a BIG BANG THEORY entitled “Penny’s Sister.” If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.

Don't submit specs for canceled series. You are not going to get a job off your spec OLD CHRISTINE or I MARRIED JOAN.

Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.

Don’t invent a format.

Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!

Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:

EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY

Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.

Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Steven Spielberg or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.

Similarly, avoid dream sequences. THE GOLDBERGS is not looking for the next Fellini.

Don't require 3D or IMAX for your sitcom pilot to work.

Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.

Even with cable shows, there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.

Don’t marry off any of the main characters.

Don’t kill off any of the main characters.

Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.

Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.

The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.

Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Tracy Jordan is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.

Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.

And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.

Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.

The March of Dames

For the first time since November I have a glimmer of hope.  Thank you, ladies, one and all, wherever you're marching today.   After one of America's darkest days in history comes one of its brightest.  May pink restore the red, white, and blue. 

Speaking Farce-y

One writing question I'm often asked is how are farces constructed? I’m sure fifty different comedy writers would give you fifty different approaches but this is mine.

First off there must be jeopardy. Something the characters need very badly and are willing to go to the greatest lengths to achieve. The situation can be totally absurd to us but to the characters themselves they’re very real. In fact, the greater the jeopardy the crazier they can act.

Secondly, a farce is built on a lie. A character lies and then to keep from getting caught must lie again. The lies multiply, the character digs himself into a deeper hole. And generally, there are several characters forced to lie. Often the lies contradict each other.

Needless to say, this takes careful planning. The structure of a farce is critical. Things have to happen with exact precision. The pressure must never let up. Constant roadblocks must be introduced. Complications on top of more complications. The vice tightens…and tightens…and tightens.

Generally, farces take place in real time. There are no fade outs, no dissolves, no relief. And as the piece builds the pace quickens. If done right, a farce should be a snowball rolling down a hill, gaining momentum and size.

Neil Simon, who wrote the wonderful farce RUMORS, is quoted as saying “At the final curtain, the audience must be as spent as the actors, who by now are on oxygen support. If the audience is only wheezing with laughter, you need rewrites or actors with stronger lungs.”

They’re incredibly tough to pull off but unbelievably satisfying when you do. And for my money, no show ever did them better than FRASIER.

This is a re-post from five years ago.