Weekend Post

I get a lot of requests for reprints of Levine/Isaacs scripts. So here is a portion of one of our SIMPSONS, “Dancin’ Homer”, dated 6/05/90. Notice that we had to be very detailed in our descriptions so the artists would have some sense of what we envisioned.

**********

EXT. STADIUM – EVENING

We open on a large stadium marquee that reads:

“SPRINGFIELD WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM, “ ‘TONIGHT BASEBALL, SPRINGFIELD ISOTOPES VS. SHELBYVILLE SHELBYVILLIANS, “ “NUCLEAR POWER PLANT FAMILY NIGHT, “ “SUNDAY AFTERNOON – COHEN BAR MITZVAH.”

A bus driven by OTTO comes roaring by the screen as it enters the stadium parking lot and screeches to a stop. We hear a blaring police car go by.

OTTO
Oooh, well, I think we lost ‘em. (LOOKING AROUND) Hey, and we’re at the ball park. All right! Two birds with one stone. Okay, everybody out!

There’s a loud CHEER from the bus.

INT. BUS – CONTINUOUS

It is crammed with excited NUCLEAR POWER PLANT EMPLOYEES AND THEIR FAMILIES, all with hats, pennants, thermoses, flasks, gloves, etc. THE SIMPSONS are jammed into two rows. Everyone starts to disembark.

ON THE SIMPSONS

As they cross with other fans to the front gate. BART has a mitt, LISA a transistor radio; MAGGIE wears a little baseball cap and uniform jumper. They pass souvenir stands and PROGRAM VENDORS. All the EMPLOYEES who work at the ball park are rundown and toothless.

HOMER
You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it to the big leagues, one day.

BART
What? Aren’t we going to see any washed-up major leaguers?

HOMER
Sure, we get a nice mix here.

LISA
I can’t think of a better place to spend a balmy summer’s night than the old ball yard. There’s just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield, and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.

HOMER
(CHUCKLES) Lisa, honey, you’re forgetting the beer. It comes in seventy-two ounce tubs here.

MARGE
I hope you’ll space out the tubs this year, Homer.

HOMER
(DEFENSIVE) What are you getting at?

MARGE
Well, last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire.

HOMER
Marge, (HOLDING UP THE TICKET) this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat, it also gives me the right – no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.

ENTRANCE TO STADIUM

MR. BURNS and SMITHERS, who holds 3x5 index “prompt” cards, are perched at the gate, greeting the employees and their families, including THE GAMMILLS from “No Disgrace Like Home”.

BURNS
Ah, the Gammills. Good to see you.

GAMMILL
You’re an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.

BURNS
(CHUCKLES) Well, take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog. (LAUGHS)

Gammill and his brood kow tow and move on.

BURNS
(TO SMITHERS) Put a little smile on his card, Smithers.

SMITHERS
Already there, sir.

Burns spots the Simpsons as they approach. Smithers grabs a card and whispers in Burns’ ear.

SMITHERS
The Simpsons, sir.

BURNS
Ah, well, if it isn’t the Simps.

HOMER
Uh… Simp-sons, sir.

BURNS
(CONSULTING CARD) Hmm, oh , yes… Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and “Expecting”.

SMITHER
(SOTTO) The card needs to be updated, sir.

Burns grumbles.

HOMER
Oh, that’s okay. The baby’s name isn’t important. Let’s go, Marge.

BURNS
Very well. (CHUCKLES) Take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog. (LAUGHS)

The Simpsons enter the park.

EXT. PARK – CONTINUOUS

It’s a typical wooden bandbox minor league ball park, seating maybe five thousand. Ringing the outfield wall are the usual billboards filled with local advertisements: “Springfield Savings – Safe from 1890-1986, 1988-“; “His Royal Majesty Clothing for the Obese or Gangly Gentleman”; “Moe’s Tavern – Hit this sign and win a free well drink”.

The only concession to the modern era is the JumboVision board in left field, which dwarfs the rest of the stadium. The PLAYERS are on the field, leisurely taking batting and infield practice as the stadium organist plays “ALEXANDER’S RAGTIME BAND”.

BART
Oh, wow – there’s Flash Bailor! I gotta get his authograph! He used to be a star.

FLASH BAILOR

He is playing catch. He’s 45, arrogant, and terribly out of shape. He looks like a giant pear. Bart leans over the railing, holding out a ball and a pen.

BART
Hey, Flash! Will ya sign my ball?

FLASH
No.

Bart rejoins the family.

BART
(MUMBLING) Lousy, washed-up, broken-down… old tub of guts… who does he think he is anyway?

HOMER
What’s the matter, boy?

BART
He wouldn’t sign my ball.

MARGE
Well, he’s a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!

Bart flips her the ball and, with great resolve, she marches down the aisle to the field.

PLAYER #1
Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail heading this way.

FLASH
Hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?

EXT. PARK – STANDS – A LITTLE LATER

Marge rejoins the family, holding the ball.

MARGE
Here you go, Bart.

She hands the ball to Bart.

BART
(READING) “Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, Room 26… How ‘bout it? – Flash.”

HOMER
Wow! Flash Bailor came on to my wife! (IMPRESSED) You’ve still got the magic, Marge.

MARGE
(SMALL GIGGLE)

EXT. BALL PARK – MOMENTS LATER

The plant employees are positioned way down the right field line in the bleachers. There’s a filled section of them… and just a mere sprinkling of other fans throughout the park. There are two empty seats next to the Simpsons. Lisa is holding up Maggie.

HOMER
(TO LISA) What are you doing?

LISA
Trying to get Maggie on the JumboVision.

SERIES OF QUICK CUTS – GRANDSTAND

We see that HUNDREDS OF BABIES are being held up.

BART
(POINTING) Hey, Dad, look!

Homer glances up.

HOMER
Whoa!

ON JUMBOVISION BOARD

Homer fills the screen. He stands up and waves with both hands.

HOMER
Hey, everybody! How you doing? Look at me! I’m Homer Simpson! Heh… heh.

Bart leans into frame and raises two fingers behind Homer’s head. The JumboVision camera starts to pull in on Homer’s open fly.

MARGE
(QUIETLY) Homer… Homer.. X.Y.Z.

HOMER
Examine my zipper? Why? (HOMER LOOKS DOWN) Whoops!

Homer, still on the screen, turns away, zips up his fly and receives a nice OVATION from the crowd.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(HEAVILY ECHOED) Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight’s first ball, the man whose name is synonymous with our nations’ safest and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!

Burns and Smithers drive up to the mound in a golf cart that looks like a big baseball. Burns waves to the crowd. There is a slight SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE. As the golf cart brakes, divots of turf fly.

SMITHERS
Ah, they love you, sir.

BURNS
Heh, heh. As well they might. You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck, my patented fadeaway pitch was compared by many to the “trouble ball” of the great Satchel Paige. Spit on this for me, Smither.

Burns hands Smithers the ball.

SMITHERS
One hocker coming up, sir.

Burns rocks into his wind-up.

ON THE SIMPSONS

Who are heckling Burns from their very safe distance.

HOMER
Hey, Burns! Hey, “Rag Arm”!

BART
You throw like my sister, man!

LISA
Yeah, you throw like me!

They LAUGH conspiratorially.

BACK TO BURNS

He wheels and deals. He loses his balance and the ball goes maybe six feet before trickling to a stop.

SMITHERS
I think I could actually hear the air being torn, sir.

BURNS
Oh, shut up.

Homer and Bart are roaring with LAUGHTER. They can barely contain themselves.

BART
What a lame-o!

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Ladies and Gentlemen:, to honor America, will you please rise for our National Anthem…

Homer quickly composes himself.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
…sung tonight by Springfield’s rhythm n’ blues sensation, “Bleeding Bums” Murphy.

BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY steps up to the microphone at home plate. We see the scoreboard clock behind him reads 7:30. Bleeding Gums launches into a wildly improvisational version of the National Anthem.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “O-oo-hhhhhhhhh… Oh Saaaaayyyyyy can you…” -- I’m askin’ – “Can you s-e-e-e? … by the d-a-a-a-a-a-wn’s”

DISSOVLE TO:

EXT. BALL PARK - NIGHT

Bleeding Gums is still singing. The clock on the scoreboard now reads 7:46.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “…and the rocket’s red glareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee …the bombs burstin’ … shoot it out… poppin’way up in the air… rrrrrrrrrrr.”

At this, there is mild SCATTERED APPLAUSE from the crowd.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “And.. the home.. of the-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e … brave-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!”

We see the Simpsons amid the crowd. Exhausted the flop into their chairs.

INT. PRESS BOX - CONTINUOUS

DAN HOARD, wearing a loud multi-colored jacket, is at the mike.

DAN HOARD
Hi-de-hi, Springfield! Dan Hoard, mikeside. Tonight – our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The ‘Topes are looking to snap that darn twenty-six game losing streak, longest in professional baseball. How ‘bout that? -- Our sleepy town is in the record book!

************
Trivia note: I played the voice of “Dan Hoard”. Dan Hoard was my broadcast partner in Syracuse when I was a minor league announcer. He's now the voice of the Cincinnati Bengals and the University of Cincinnati football and basketball.

Friday Questions

On the anniversary of the day I was fired from KSEA radio in 1974 when they pulled the plug on the format and let the entire staff go, thus ending our promotion “Christmas the way it was meant to be” — here are Friday Questions.

Frank Salerno gets it started.

MASH is credited with the first on screen usage of “the smallest violin in the world”.

I know it’s a silent film/melodrama reference.

Whose idea was it to use?

All mine. 

That was an expression often used in my family growing up.   

“This is the world’s smallest violin and it’s playing just for you.”

I don’t remember the script or circumstance but I do recall it was Hot Lips who had the line.  

Dave H has another MASH question.

Ken, when did Mash start filming for a new season (July or August?) and what month did you wrap for the season? Sorry if this has been asked before. And I am saying sorry because I am Canadian. A TV report said it's a Canadian thing. ;)

We started filming right after the 4th of July and finished right before Christmas.  25 episodes.  Each episode received one day of rehearsal and three days of shooting.  After every three episodes there was a built-in “pick up” day to reshoot or get a scene not yet filmed.  There were hiatus weeks every seven or eight episodes, but those shrunk if we needed more “pick up” days.  

In contrast, today half-hour single camera shows require five to six days to shoot.  They’ll start in the summer and wrap in March… and do fewer than 25 episodes.

In the case of MASH, it sure helped to have a fantastic cast, crew, and stable of top notch directors. 

Someone who calls himself Dr. Rosen Rosen turns to a CHEERS question.  

I just have to know more about the "Sinatra" line spoken amazingly by Al Rosen. Do you have any additional information about that line, who wrote it, was it scripted, was it scripted that he said it twice, where the writer's trying to find the right line for Al since he was background up until this point. I love this joke, performance, and the way the cast reacted to it so much that I just had to ask.

I don’t know which writer came up with it.  It was definitely scripted exactly as it aired.  I believe season two.  Al Rosen, who was a regular extra, just had a great look and voice.  

His official character name became “Man Who Said Sinatra.”   David Isaacs and I first used him in a season three episode we wrote.

Al Rosen was a very interesting guy.  A former wrestler.  

And finally, from BG:

I know reboots are kinda passé now, but if you and David Isaacs were offered the chance to head a revival of a past sitcom you worked on, which would it be?

ALMOST PERFECT, the CBS show we did starring Nancy Travis.  Then BIG WAVE DAVE’S.  

It might be hard to reboot MARY since the star, Mary Tyler Moore, is no longer with us.  Or the co-star, James Farentino.   (But happily, John Astin is still going strong.  He’s 90, God bless him.)  

What’s your Friday Question.  May this be “Christmas the way it ought to be.”  

My Zoom play reading for GUILTY PLEASURES: AN UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY continues through Sunday.  Sail away for some sex and laughs.  

Here's the link.  

Free Zoom Reading of my Play! UPDATE

UPDATE: My full-length play, GUILTY PLEASURES: AN UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY was scheduled to be produced last summer at the Cape May Stage in New Jersey.   It was canceled of course.  But now comes a Zoom reading from the Cape May Stage with a terrific cast.  It is available now and all technical issues have been resolved.  It's a very funny play.  Who couldn't use a laugh these days?  Or a reminder that we once could travel and do things? 

Here's where you go to watch it. 

The cast includes Stacey Harris, Buddy Haardt, Annie Abrams, Dane Oliver, and Tony Pasquilini as "Etienne." 

Enjoy!

EP205: Holiday Extravaganza!

The history of your favorite Christmas songs forms part one of this super-size episode.  Part two is an interview with Jhani Kaye, who launched the “all-Christmas-music” format on KOST radio in Los Angeles, which now has become a mainstay in every radio market.  And a spectacular ratings success.  Find out how and why it works, and whether they’ll play the barking dogs singing “Jingle Bells.”  

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

The Frankenstein of Santa Monica

There is no photo today.  My post is about the loathsome Stephen Miller and I can't bring myself to even look at his ghoulish alien-like face.   

This is one of those “parents’ worst nightmares” scenarios.  What if you were the parents of one of the kids that shot all those people in Columbine?  Or any other senseless school shooting?   Or was part of the Manson family?  How would it feel to know your son or daughter was responsible for the death of innocent people?  How do you live that down?  How do you face people?  How do you sleep?  How do you look anyone in the eye?  You can get all the therapy in the world but the blood is still indirectly on your hands.  You brought a certified monster into the world.  Maybe not your intent but that is the result. 

Or how would you like to be the parents of Stephen Miller, the despicable Nazi chief aide to our degenerate president?   White-supremacist Miller, most recently was on Fox News basically inciting violence with his baseless claims that Trump will still win re-election.  There was already pro-Trump violence last weekend in Washington DC where four people were stabbed and one was shot.

Fox News should be ashamed for even giving him airtime, but Fox News is to real news what urine is to fine wine. 

I ask these questions because I know Stephen Miller’s parents.  At one time, over 30 years ago, we were friends with them.  I was at Stephen Miller’s bris.  (If I only knew then, I would have paid the mohel to cut his dick off.)  

We had a falling out with the Millers in the late 80’s and haven’t spoken to them since.  I was flabbergasted to learn a few years ago that the Stephen Miller trying to destroy immigration was “that” Stephen Miller.  I mean, it is a rather common name.  There's a rock band by that name, for God sakes! Stephen’s father was an attorney who got involved in some questionable real estate dealings.  As a result they had to sell their larger home in Santa Monica for a more modest one and poor privileged Stephen had to go to public school at Santa Monica High, which had a very diverse population.  It was probably there where Miller developed his hateful worldview.  I assume he was beaten up a lot (or at least I hope he was).  But his warped take on the world, wrapped in hate, went against everything his Jewish upbringing stood for.   His father was very involved in Jewish affairs at one time.  How does he reconcile that? 

We know how his uncle reconciled it.  He went public denouncing Stephen, calling him an “immigration hypocrite” and a menace. 

As I said, I haven’t spoken to his parents in years.  I don’t know what I’d say to them.  But I wonder, why don’t THEY tell him to stop spreading malicious lies that are only meant to destroy our democracy?  Why don’t THEY implore him to not encourage violence?   For God sakes, his mother used to be a social worker. 

I don’t know.  Maybe they have (or at least his mother has).  Maybe they’ve been trying for years.  Or maybe they too now have consumed the Kool-Aid.  In any event, if you create a monster and don’t try to stop the monster, then you become a monster yourself. 

My heart wants to go out to them.  It really does. As a parent, I can’t imagine the pain and burden they must carry and will never live down.  But then I see that smarmy Stephen Miller get on national television with the express purpose of poisoning minds and tearing apart the very foundation of this nation and I say “Fuck them all.”  

Not watching my own show

For a TV writer I contend the two most exciting events are watching your show being filmed and then watching it live on the air.  

Especially early in your career.  

Most writers I know had big viewing parties for their first episode.  David Isaacs and I did.  Of course, in our case, the script was heavily rewritten and not for the better. So it was awkward for the guests as they tried to politely laugh through lame material. We acknowledged that we had been rewritten, but as I said at the time, “I can’t invite a bunch of people just to see the two seconds our credit is on the screen.”

But as we moved our way up and had shows that did reflect our actual work and were proud of, we occasionally would still have viewing parties.  And in all cases, if a show of ours was scheduled I cleared the decks that night to be sure to watch it live (even with commercials).  

However, once you get on staff things change.  I saw very few of my CHEERS and FRASIER episodes live on the air.  For both shows’ schedules, Thursday night was rewrite night.  So we’d be working through.   Now you could say, why not take a break for a half hour to watch the show?  That was rarely, if ever, done.  No one wanted to stay an extra half hour at 1:00 in the morning to make up that time.  Besides, by then we all had VCR’s.  (Not to mention we’d all seen every episode multiple times in editing).   

So it was not unusual to be in the midst of a rewrite and have someone look at their watch and casually say, “Oh, we’re on right now,” and everyone nods and goes right back to the line they were addressing.  

But looking back, it seems strange to be so blasé when something we wrote was being seen by 30,000,000 people at one time.  No show today gets those kind of numbers. On the face of it, what an extraordinary experience for a writer.   And the irony is, once this pandemic is over, I’m happy to travel across the country to see a production of one of my plays for an audience of 99. 

MANK: My review

I liked MANK, now playing on Netflix.  

But unlike every critic, I didn’t love it.  

I did love a lot of things about it — shot all in black and white, the era, the making of CITIZEN KANE, the process of screenwriting, and there’s a real treat if you’re fans of KHJ radio….

But…

It was too long, if you’re not a real student of Hollywood in the ‘30s and ‘40s, and if you’re under 50 years-old, you will not have any idea who most of these people are and what they’re talking about.  A lot of ideology flies around that deals with things that were topics of the time but don’t directly affect the movie.  

The main story centers around Herman Mankiewicz writing CITIZEN KANE -- Orson Welles' brilliant hatchet job of newspaper emperor, William Randolph Hearst.  The problem is that Mank was friends with Hearst and especially his mistress Marion Davies.  So there's a real conflict of interests.  And the making of the movie is sure to be fraught with controversy.   Does he walk away from the project?   That’s the big dilemma.   It didn’t need 2 hours and 10 minutes to resolve that.  

And now I’m going to really spit on the cross.  I don’t think Gary Oldman is right for the part.  Blasphemy you say (even if you haven’t seen the movie)!  Oldman is a great actor, morphs into any part he takes.  He was brilliant as Churchill, awesome as Commissioner Gordon.  I admire his work greatly.  But the key character trait of Mank was that he was wickedly funny.  His one-liners, his droll zingers, and pithy remarks supposedly put even the premier wits of the day to shame.   And I’m sorry, but Gary Oldman is not funny.  He delivers the lines (which on paper could have been funnier on the whole) with his usual precision, but I just didn’t buy that this guy had the twinkle, the razor-sharp comic mind that made him Hollywood's darling for five minutes, and the hit of any party.  

All the other aspects of Mank’s character — his brashness, intelligence, battle with alcohol, self-destructive tendencies all came through with clarity and finesse.   But research, make-up, accents, and prosthetics can’t make you funny (unless the prosthetics is a chicken suit).  

Now, this may just be me.  In fairness, critics have called MANK (directed by David Fincher) a beautiful textured film, a masterwork study of Old Hollywood, a glowing metaphor for I-don’t-know-what.  Oscars all around!  And I’m glad movies like this are still being made.  Major studios have long abandoned character studies for superheroes and animated sequels.  But if you see MANK, and I still recommend that you do, and you don’t absolutely love it, just know you’re not the only one. 

Weekend Post

What’s the dumbest holiday gift you’ve ever received? Mine was a Fizz-nik. And understand, I really WANTED this thing. In my dumb kid-ness I thought this was the coolest invention EVER.

It was a plastic straw with a big bubble in the middle. This was actually two half spheres that twisted together with straws on either end. You put a scoop of ice cream in the bubble and twisted it shut. Then you jammed one end into a bottle of root beer. That was it. Voila! Instant root beer float!

You would take a swig and (in theory) the root beer would mix with the ice cream and by the time it reached your mouth you were in soda fountain heaven. And the best part – no muss nor fuss.

Except for one thing…

It never worked. To mix the two elements you had to hold the bottle at almost a 90 degree angle and crane your neck way back. Not exactly ideal.

And then there was this tiny flaw – there was no way to stop the rushing ice cream float as it hurtled its way to your mouth. What a mess. Within a week my mother had confiscated my beloved Fizz-Nik.

Let’s just say that as a result of the Fizz-nik I have more empathy for hookers.

Hope you get what YOU want this holiday season.

Friday Questions

Only 14 more days to buy me something expensive for Christmas.  Here are this week’s Friday Questions.

Brian starts us off.

Do you think modern cable shows go too far with their depictions of nudity and sexual content? It just seems that every show produced in recent memory tries to force in as much nudity and sex as possible, regardless of relevance to the plot. Is it merely a cheap ploy to entice viewers or do you feel it can add something to a program?

There’s no question that there's some gratuitous sex and nudity.  Early episodes of GAME OF THRONES seem to have all boring exposition scenes take place in a brothel where there was much to look at while the dry text was being delivered. 

My favorite exploitation cable scene was in one of those women-in-prison movies where all these hot coed inmates were naked in the shower… reading their mail.  

But as long as the viewer is given warnings at the top of the show they can decide for themselves whether the material is right for them.   To censure the artists of the content is wrong.   As long as the viewer is not blindsided I see nothing wrong with it.  There are a billion other viewing options.  Watch one of those if you're offended by the sex and nudity.    Remember:  There's always the Hallmark Channel.

From Tammy:

What is your favorite sitcom setting (family, workplace etc.) as a viewer? And which is your favorite as a writer? Thanks!

Workplace because if you do it well it can be both.  One could certainly argue that the gang at CHEERS is a “family.”  But workplace settings allow for more different types of people to come together.  And you avoid the annoying precocious children who don’t talk like any children in real life.  

Dave-El wonders:

Hi, Ken! Your comment about using a table in the mess tent for re-writes reminds me of a possible Friday question I have: What exactly was Igor serving up in the mess tent chow line? Those pots were usually filled with some form of goop that was supposed to be mashed potatoes or creamed corn or something like that. Was it actually anything edible?

Jeff Maxwell, who played Igor, often checks in to the blog so he might be able to answer directly, but from what I understood it was all very decent food prepared by the Fox commissary.   I never ate it.   One of the unwritten rules of production is you don’t eat “set food.”   It’s prepared for the scene, not you.   There is always a craft-services table nearby with plenty of snacks if you get hungry.  

And finally, from Kevin from VA:

Speaking of "inside" jokes, last year you posted a great story of your meeting with Al Hirschfeld and how he always snuck his daughter's name into his caricatures. I left a very slight "inside" joke in the comments section from that post that may have slipped by you and possibly even some of your loyal readers.

My question is when you've done inside jokes, have you enjoyed it more when others "got" the joke or more when they didn't? 

Working "Nina" into Hirschfeld's drawing did nothing to detract from it.  An inside joke is different because maybe you're going with an inside joke instead of a joke designed for a general audience.  

But if you're going to go that route, first and foremost you hope the “inside  people” you wrote the joke for get it.   And it’s always great when others get it because it gives them the feeling that they'e on the inside as well.

I would only add be very very sparing with inside jokes.   You want the inside jokes to just whiz by.  And you want to surround them with jokes meant for everybody.   There’s certainly a danger in inside jokes.  Once the viewer senses that he’s being excluded he’ll leave.  

I found this to be more the case in radio back “in the day” (and by that I mean, when radio actually existed).  Some disc jockeys would do inside jokes meant for other radio people in the industry.  There would be jokes about the format or station policy or the competition.   Very funny for their peers but not the general public.  

Robert W. Morgan, in the heyday of KHJ in Los Angeles was guilty of that in my opinion.  Morgan could be devastatingly funny, but over time he would sprinkle in a little inside zinger or two.  Eventually inside jokes became 90% of his act.   So radio people listen to tapes of him today and think he’s a genius.   Play the same tape for someone not in the business and they have no idea what all the shouting’s about.   Then have them listen to a tape of Dan Ingram on WABC in New York.  They'll be laughing today, 50 years later.   Beware of inside jokes.

What’s your Friday Question?  I could use a Tesla. 

EP204: The Hollywood & Levine Mini-Play Festival!

Short plays written for the theatre have had to adapt to Zoom. And now podcasts.  Ken presents two of his favorite ten minute comedies adapted for Zoom.  It’s theatre of the mind, or Starmaster, or wherever you listen to podcasts.  

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Congratulations to Al Michaels

It was just announced that Al Michaels will be inducted into Baseball's Hall of Fame this year.   Well deserved.  Al was the voice of the Cincinnati Reds and San Francisco Giants before becoming the lead baseball voice of ABC for the many years when they carried baseball.  He's called numerous World Series and All-Star games.  As great as he is calling football, I always thought he's an even better baseball announcer.  

Al was a guest on my podcast last year.  It's a terrific two-part interview.  If you haven't heard it, I invite you to check out both parts.

Part One

Part Two

And again, congratulations to Al Michaels. 

My favorite show gift

It’s become a time-honored tradition.  TV shows give swag for the holidays.  Usually clothes items, although EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND gave out DVD players, raincoats, scooters, and more.   I still use the raincoat.  

Other gift items from various shows include baseball caps, sweaters, dart boards, bicycles, watches, record albums, jackets, sweatshirts, T-shirts, binders, coffee mugs, embossed glasses, and ties.  

Of all my gifts, the best was the satin jacket I received from CHEERS the first year.  It was very slick looking, but that’s not the reason I loved it.  

At the time, CHEERS was doing horribly in the ratings.  We aired a new episode on Thanksgiving night, 1982 and it finished dead last in the ratings.   We got our pick up for the back nine, but just barely.  And we were told that if things didn’t pick up we’d likely be canceled at the end of the season.   

Needless to say, it was disheartening because we all felt we were doing our best work.  It’s not like we could stay an extra half-hour and the ratings would go up.  

But on the weekends I started wearing that jacket.  And people would stop me to say how much they loved the show.  It was my first indication that people were watching (maybe not enough at that point) and we were connecting with them.  

Despite the ratings, we were on to something.   And could build from that. 

Two follow up points:  I’ve worn show garb from other shows over the years.  Never have I received the reaction I got from that CHEERS jacket.  The few fans we had were passionate about the show. 

And two, in looking online for a photo of that jacket I see that one is selling on eBay for $950.  Pretty good for a last place show.

I’d wear mine again but I’m still on lockdown. 

I no longer find Cliff Clavin funny

At one time I did.  At one time I loved writing for that character. (And John Ratzenberger played him to perfection.) 

Cliff was the fringe nut who had all these ridiculous conspiracy theories.  Everyone else in the bar knew he was full of shit and harmless so were amused by it.   With everyone spouting views it was fun to have a wacky one thrown into the mix. 

Plus, his conspiracy theories were so absurd no one in their right mind could take him seriously.

But today there are 70,000,000 Cliff Clavins and it’s no longer funny; it’s horrifying.   How can there be that many misinformed, gullible people in the United States?     A current documentary on NETFLIX helps explain why.

It’s called THE SOCIAL DILEMMA and it’s both riveting and chilling. 

The crux is that social media is insidiously gathering enormous amounts of information about you and your behavior and subtly manipulating you for the purpose of profit and persuasion.   Every time you log on to Facebook it charts your activity — what photos you look at and for how long, what you like and don’t like, what groups you’re in, what you share, what you post, etc.   And based on that you’re fed more material their complex algorithms think you want to see.  The first goal is retention — how can they better keep you logged on?  But the second is to persuade you — either what to buy, or what to believe. 

So if you’re Cliff Clavin and you like conspiracy posts, you’re gong to be fed more.  When you type something into a search engine, not everybody receives the same results in the same order.  For example, you might type in Climate Change.  Depending on your known beliefs the first things that might come up pertain to controlling it, or if you’re Cliffy, that it’s a hoax.    Now that’s disturbing. 

Social media globally is undermining democracies.  They’re the most vulnerable because they depend on citizen’s choice. 

The experts who spoke on this documentary were all current or former high echelon tech folks.  They looked straight out of SILICON VALLEY.   All super-intelligent, super-articulate, some weirder than others.   In crunching numbers they determined that misinformation travels six times faster than facts.   Cliff Clavin reaches more people than Frasier Crane, and what kind of fucked up world is that? 

What’s so maddening is that the internet is also a miracle and a God send.  Imagine getting through this pandemic if you didn’t have a way to still connect with your friends, and family.  If you couldn’t work from home.  If you were not privy to facts (should you be smart enough to choose reality).  I’m sitting at my computer banging out this rant in Los Angeles and you might be reading it in Rangoon.  Or listening to my podcast in Bhutan.   I’m awed by the app that lets me turn a flashlight on. 

But with all great innovations comes a dark side.  When Facebook created “Likes” the goal was just to add more positives in our life.  They had no idea young people would be basing their entire self worth on them, and that a lack of sufficient “Likes” was viewed as a crushing rejection.  When Russia interfered with our election in 2016, they didn’t hack into Facebook, they just used the tools that were available to them for nefarious purposes. 

I always love when people say big business should not be regulated.  Let them police themself.  They’ll be reputable, they’ll play fair.  Uh huh.  Tell that to Erin Brockovich.  Or Wells Fargo customers.   THIS is the result.  Today big business is cheerfully willing to sacrifice the country and the well-being of the planet for short-term profits.  

So who should watch over the content you’re provided?  Mark Zuckerberg?  Really?   Or perhaps a bipartisan government committee that’s only looking out for the public’s interest, not the shareholders…or the president?   We’re talking about protecting our children who are as addicted to social media as Richard Pryor was to crack.  Look how well THAT turned out.  We’re talking about preserving our democracy.  We’re talking about restoring facts and truth and reality to a lost confused delusional society.   We’re hoping to find Cliff Clavin once again a lovable nut and not a fucking asshole who’s a cancer and a threat to everything we believe in.   And the time to start is now… while we still can.  

Tips for speakers

Here’s a Friday Question that became an entire post.  It’s from Paul. 

Going out on a limb here for your disc jockey work. Combined with podcasting. Combined with writing where you might have a long monologue (less common I suppose in comedy, but still)...do you have tips/tricks for people "presenting" where there is no audience feedback to tell them how they're doing?

Yes, communicate to one person. Especially if you’re on Zoom.  The more you can make a direct connection the better. 

Along those lines, make direct eye contact.

Don’t read. Refer to notes if need be, but talking directly to people commands their attention. 

Know your audience.  Don’t talk over their heads or patronize them. 

Make your points as clear as you can. 

Diction is important.

A little humor never hurts, as long it's appropriate.  Self-deprecating humor in particular is effective.

Don’t talk too fast.  People sometimes have the tendency to talk quickly when they’re nervous.  Your points get lost and it makes the audience uncomfortable. 

Don’t talk in a monotone.  Audiences fall asleep when a speaker drones on.  Mix up your inflections, hit key words.  You’re not just making your point, you’re selling it.

Try to avoid crutches.  We all have them, but the fewer “you knows” and “uhhhhhs” the better. 

A well-timed pause can really hammer home a point.   Obama is a master at this. 

Have a glass of water handy.  Keep the pipes lubricated. 

Rehearse. 

Don’t rely on Powerpoint or other visuals.  They are certainly helpful tools, but when things go wrong with them (which they always do), if you’re spending half your talk trying to pull up the right slide it breaks your momentum.  You should be able to punt and sell your presentation even if the Powerpoint craps out. 

And finally, appear to be comfortable.  Now I know this is difficult, especially since you’re not comfortable; you’re a wreck.  But if you can at least give off the impression that you’re relaxed it will put the audience at ease.  And that can be the single most important factor.   It makes no difference what you say if your listeners aren’t receptive. 

So those are a few tips.  Best of luck.

Weekend Post

 This was my favorite cheesy Christmas special growing up.  I wrote about it in my memoir, THE ME GENERATION...BY ME (the PERFECT holiday gift available in Kindle, paperback, and audiobook formats.  Hint hint.) 

I still can’t fathom why anyone watched the ANDY WILLIAMS variety show on NBC if they didn’t own a color TV. It was so wholesome your teeth ached. Whatever “edge” the show had was provided by the Osmond Family. But it was in color and production numbers always featured grinning All-American yahoos in brightly colored sweaters holding brightly colored balloons. Not having a color TV and not being gay I never watched THE ANDY WILLIAMS SHOW… except…

During their Christmas special.

It was the one time of year Andy had his beautiful family on the show and this became a 60s American tradition. Mom and dad and the Williams kinder would sing Carols, exchange presents, and their message of love and holiday good cheer would absolutely entrance you. That’s not why I watched it, of course. I wanted to screw Andy’s wife.

Claudine Longet (Mrs. Williams) was a willowy brunette with exquisite doe eyes and luscious lips. Laura Petrie but French. She was also a successful recording artist but believe me, if she looked like Charles De Gaulle she couldn’t give away one record. But I found her incredibly sexy, even when she was singing Silent Night in front of a crucifix. She and Andy would divorce in the 70s and two years later she shot her boyfriend, Olympic skier Spider Sabich to death. I still wanted to screw her, but not as much.

So as enjoyable as those holiday shows were in the mid 60s, watching them now on PBS they take on a whole new level of absurdity. Two of their kids are named Noelle and Christian. How much more seriously can you take Christmas? And yet, twelve years later, there’s mom in a different winter wonderland with a loaded revolver. She was ultimately convicted on a lesser charge and married her defense attorney.

I’ll be on parole for Christmas.

Friday Questions

Here we are in December.  I’d say “already” but it’s been the longest year ever.  Let’s have some Friday Questions.

FFS gets us started.

Question from a non-writer. What the hell is a "beat"?

Any new element in the story.

Think of the story as the spine and beats as the vertebrae.  

Examples of beats:  

A couple starts an argument.

A father shows his son how to tie a knot.

Bob takes out the ring and proposes.  

Fred arrives with the Christmas tree.

In an outline you start with the beats.  First this happens, then that, then the next thing.  It gives you an overview of the story.  Are there too many things (beats) happening in this act?  Are there not enough? Is it repetitious?  Is there a step missing?

Once you’re satisfied that all the vertebrae are in the right place, and the story spine holds up then fill out each beat.  

The couple that starts an argument.  Over what?

Father showing son how to tie a knot?   Does the son not want his help?  Is this a bonding experience?  

Bob takes out the ring and proposes.  Is he clumsy?  What is his proposal?  Was she expecting it or surprised?    Does she accept or reject his proposal?  I would say that’s a separate beat.  The story very much turns on whether she accepts or not.  

Hopefully you get the idea.   I write my beats on the computer then move them around.  A lot of writers use index cards.  One beat per card.  You can also use note cards in certain scripture programs.  

Ere I Saw Elba asks:

What would be your personal theme song, if you got to have one?

From an existing TV show?  “Mr. Lucky.”

From Lorimartian:

Have you ever talked about working with Nathan Lane? He is so talented, and I remember that series. Was it a good experience?
 

It was a wonderful experience!

I directed three episodes of his short-lived NBC sitcom, ENCORE ENCORE.  I found him to be a delight.  He’s very inventive and nimble.  

There are two sides to Nathan Lane— “on” when he’s performing, and “off” when he’s very quiet and introspective.  

If I had to tell one story about working with Nathan, it would be this:  Episode 13, our final episode in the series order.  Two days into rehearsal we get the word that ENCORE ENCORE has been canceled. (There would be no “encore” much less two.)   Everyone knew this episode would never air.

Nathan had a choice. He could just pull the plug and not bother or tough it out another three long days.   Nathan chose to complete the episode because he didn’t want the crew to lose out on a week’s pay.  

And not only that, he worked just as hard or harder those final futile three days.  The man is the consummate professional and a mensch.  I would work with him again in a second.

And finally, from Bill Slankard:

I recently read how The Big Bang Theory wrote around Kaley Cuoco's riding accident and it made me wonder what happens when the unexpected happens, and the writing staff has to come up with a fix immediately and some future episodes.  Does this happen a lot?  And what do you do? 

It happens all the time.  You just have to deal with it.  A cast member gets sick and you have to write him out of the episode… or several episodes.  Someone breaks their foot is on crutches.  You have to explain it away.  

During the course of a season I just expect curve balls like that.  You have to film a show after 9-11.  Your star is doing a movie and you have to shoot all his scenes separately for next week’s episode.  One of your stars goes into rehab.  The guest star you had planned cancels on you the night before you go into production.   The possibilities are endless.

Current TV writers have had to readjust their scripts to accommodate shooting during the pandemic.  They’ve had to remove crowd scenes, any scene with extras really.  Even four or five characters in a scene is now two scenes with two or three characters.  

Bottom line: you just gotta roll with it.  You can’t prepare.  Consider it another challenge and why they pay you the big bucks (or bigger bucks than you’d make at Starbucks).

What’s your Friday Question? 

EP203: Mistletoe Miscellaneous & Why I hate making holiday episodes

Ken riffs on the holiday season and gives an insider look on the making of Thanksgiving and Christmas-themed TV episodes.  The tropes and the traps revealed.  

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A TV writer with security? Is that even possible?

As you know, I’m a big JEOPARDY fan.  I’m way too dumb to be on it, but I like watching other smart people being rewarded for having intelligence.  So my readers tend to ask numerous JEOPARDY-related Friday Questions.  Here’s one that warranted its own post since I went right to the source to provide the answer.  

Cecil Newson asks:

Can a person make a living writing questions for Jeopardy? Is it a stressful job?

Billy Wisse is the Co-Head Writer of JEOPARDY.  I posed this question and he was gracious enough to respond.

Hi Ken. Yes, you can make a living writing questions for Jeopardy!. It can be a stressful job but you get to learn a lot, exercise your creativity and work with great people. And there is not a lot of turnover, so job insecurity is one stress we are generally free from. Or should that be “from which we are generally free”? As you see, the job does bring out one’s nitpicking side.
 
Hope this is helpful.
 
Billy Wisse
Co-Head Writer, Jeopardy!

Very helpful and greatly appreciated.   Thanks, and I’m ashamed to say I got the Final Jeopardy question wrong on Monday night and the category was “Movie Comedies.”   This is why I’ll never be on that show.

The NFL is a joke

Last weekend the Denver Broncos had no quarterbacks.  All three of their QB’s had tested positive for COVID.  (Why?  Starting quarterback Drew Lock admitted they did not strictly adhere to mask policies.  Hint hint, everyone.)   A wide receiver had to fill in.  They lost to New Orleans 31-3. You sort of need a real quarterback in the National Football League.  

The San Francisco 49’ers can no longer play their games this year in their home stadium.  Santa Clara County has banned contact sports due to spiking levels of the virus.  So now they’re going to play three home games in Arizona.  They still don’t know where they’re going to practice.   If you have a big yard, give 'em a call.

A big Thanksgiving showdown was canceled and rescheduled, then rescheduled again for tonight and now is rescheduled for tomorrow night (Steelers - Ravens) because so many of the players tested positive.   Ten Raven starters are out (assuming the game actually get played at all).  

The White House has a tighter bubble.  

Cancellations and postponements have become commonplace this season.  And it’s not like baseball or basketball.  When you only play a limited number of games a year, missing one or two is huge.  

I get it.  The NFL is merely a television show.   Networks pay insane rights fees so if Rudy Guiliani has to play quarterback for the Denver Broncos they’ll still play (he'd have more success with that than being an attorney).   But players are at risk during a worsening pandemic.  Teams are depleted so they’re not at their competitive best.  You never know when games are scheduled.  Teams aren’t allowed to play at home.  

I look forward to Super Bowl Thursday (rescheduled from Sunday because one team’s entire offensive line is out with COVID), and the game will be moved from Tampa (because, well it’s Florida and by then everyone in the state will test positive) to Dallas (where they don’t care if everyone tests positive) and everybody has their traditional Super Bowl parties for three.  The halftime show with Weeknd should be spectacular -- one guy on the field.  

If the NFL was smart it would just junk the rest of the season and play it out on Playstation. 

To the victor go the spoils

In general, Hollywood stars are not beloved in Hollywood. Why? Because they make so much money AND they now take jobs away from people who don’t make much money.

I think this started with commercials. Young actors could make an okay living picking up commercial work. Then in Japan, companies would pay absurd amounts to American stars to be spokesmen for their commercials. And the actors felt the commercials would never be seen here so no one was going to accuse them of selling out, so what the hell? Think: the plot of LOST IN TRANSLATION. Bill Murray is in Japan to film a whiskey commercial.

Eventually, Madison Avenue came calling and started offering commercials to Hollywood stars. We had moved past the era where selling out was a bad thing. So stars became spokespeople squeezing out the brick and mortar actors who just scraped by as it was.

Similarly, voice over work started going to stars. Why hire a seasoned voice over artist who studied for years when you can get Jon Hamm?

And by the way, I don’t begrudge Jon Hamm or the stars who take these deals. Why not? Someone is offering it to you, it’s a lot of money for just a few days work, and if you pass they’ll just ask another star instead. Might as well take it.

Another area where stars have taken over is animation voice over. Here too, gifted voice over actors who have worked for years perfecting their craft are now being replaced by Ellen DeGeneres and Tim Allen. Does Ellen do a good job? Yeah. Could seventeen voice over artists do just as good or better a job? You bet. Will Ellen’s name in the trailer bring people into the theatre? My guess is of course not. So what’s the big whoop in hiring Ellen DeGeneres?

Cartoon voice over people can do many voices, can shade their voices, add nuance. That’s what they do… or at least, did.

How many extra takes are required by stars because they’re not really used to working in animation? Considering the extra money it costs for stars and the extra production time, is it worth it? It is for the producers or, in the case of advertising, the Mad Men who get to meet and hobnob with the stars.

The latest example I’ve found is game show hosting. Yes, it looks easy but there’s an art to hosting a game show. To move things along, be spontaneous, follow the game, make the contestants feel comfortable, read the questions without stumbling – it takes a certain polish and charm. There’s a reason you see the same guys hosting shows over the years. Very few have the necessary skill.

And I’ll tell you who sure doesn’t have the skill – Anthony Anderson or Elizabeth Banks. (To be fair, Alec Baldwin has a flair and is funny and brings a lot to THE MATCH GAME – and it’s a game not to be taken seriously anyway.) Plus, I'm a fan of Anthony Anderson and Elizabeth Banks -- but in the right role, which is not introducing lightening rounds.

That said, I’m sure if ABC had their way, they’d do JEOPARDY by replacing Alex Trebek with Tracee Ellis Ross.

So you want to come to Hollywood and be an actor?  You better have a day job and hope that Starbucks doesn't offer barista positions to Ellen. 

Weekend Post

Here’s a Friday Question that became an entire weekend post.

It’s from Ben Scripps:

Ken--you're clearly a fan of "Jeopardy!". My question for you is: what would be your six dream categories--your "Clavins", if you will--if you ever made it up to the lectern? And what would be your six nightmare categories? (And you have to stick to "real" categories--no fair listing "The 1991 Baltimore Orioles" or "Little Known Facts About 'Big Wave Dave's'".)

Categories I would not embarrass myself answering:

1960s Top 40 Hits

American Theatre

Los Angeles landmarks

Screwball Comedies

Radio Station call letters (they give the call letters, I have to name the city the station is in)

Baseball Rulebook

Now there are many many categories that I know absolutely nothing about.  These are just the first six that popped into my head.

Anything about Africa

The Bible

The Periodic Table

Roman Numeral Math

Before and After

Opera

The episodes with Alex continue until early January.  No new host has been announced. The plan is to do some on-air auditions.  First interim host will be Ken Jennings.   But if they're still looking -- I’ll tell you my totally-out-of-left-field choice — NBC News’ Hallie Jackson.  

Black Friday Questions

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving even if it was a little weird this year.  Enjoy some leftover Friday Questions. 

Jay starts us off with a little something different.

Hey Ken,
Pointless (and fun?) Friday question/survey for you:

Name a movie you like or love that the rest of the world universally hates:

That’s easy. SHOWGIRLS.  The funniest movie ever that’s not meant to be funny for a second.  Nudity and laughs.  You’d have to go back to RETURN OF THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS to find that combination.  

Name a movie a bad movie that you *know* is bad and yet you'd still sit down to watch it:

AT LONG LAST LOVE.   Peter Bogdonavich’s mangled attempt at a sophisticated throwback musical.  Cybill Shepherd attempting to sing is up there in yucks with YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN.  

Name a movie you absolutely hate and would never watch again:

HATEFUL 8.  

Kendall Rivers asks:

As a writer myself I'm curious about your process with outlines? Do you include dialogue and go into supreme detail or just do beats with no dialogue etc?

It depends on the project.  For television I outline extensively, adding lots of possible dialogue.  You’re under such time constraints that you need to have every beat well worked out in front.

For plays, I want my characters to have room to take me where they want to go.  So I might work off essentially a beat sheet.   

What I normally do is start with the bare bones then keep filling in more detail in each scene.  Eventually I reach the point I think I’m ready to start writing and go from there.  

But I’m very tough on my outlines and change them constantly.  I’m always looking to make the story better.  Story is primary in my estimation.  

From William Adams:

Opening Credits range from excellent (Cheers, Deadwood, etc.) to cookie-cutter (Three's Company, Full House, etc.) to (lately) non-existent. Who is responsible for putting together the opening sequence? Is it a writer, a producer, or maybe the network marketing team? Do you have any favorites?

Usually the show runner.  There are some production companies that specialize in opening titles like Castle-Bryant, who did CHEERS.  But since there are fewer shows with opening titles, these production houses are becoming endangered species.  

My all-time favorite is MASH.  Then maybe CHEERS, MIAMI VICE, THE JEFFERSONS, BONANZA, and MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.  And I’m sure I’m forgetting some other favorites.  

And finally, Unknown (please leave a name) asks:

What was the most political script you ever wrote/episode you directed?  In a sitcom like MASH, Almost Perfect or Big Wave Dave, were there times where you felt, 'I'd like to squeeze a topical political issue into this for the laugh value’?

David Isaacs and I wrote two pilots about the White House Press Corps (first for ABC then for HBO).  I’ve talked about those a few times on the blog and podcast.  

There were certainly politically charged episodes of MASH that we wrote.   Practically all of them.

We wrote an election episode of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW.   Tony’s character runs for Superior Court Justice.  His opponent dies during the campaign and beats Tony anyway.

I directed five episodes of LATELINE, starring Al Franken that was very much a political show.  

On BIG WAVE DAVE’S and ALMOST PERFECT we were way more interested in exploring relationships than politics.  But a number of feminism issues did come up in ALMOST PERFECT.   Nancy played a character who was the boss of an all male writing staff on a male-oriented cop show.  

Stay safe this weekend.  What’s your Friday Question? 

EP202: The Annual Turkey Show

Ken plays some of the worst (and most amusing) songs you will ever hear.  A Thanksgiving tradition.

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My 15th anniversary

 

Actually, it's tomorrow.  November 26, 2005 is when I launched my blog.  Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving and no one reads blogs on Thanksgiving, I thought I would celebrate it today. 

I honestly would have been shocked if someone said to me that first day that I'd still be doing this 15 years later.  Especially since I post at least five new pieces a week, and for years posted seven.  I figured I'd run out of things to say by June 2006.  (And maybe I did but just don't know it.) 

How long I'll keep doing it?  I don't know.  This was a pandemic year and I was home every day anyway.  

But I sincerely want to thank you all for reading.  I can tell by the comments section that often someone will find the blog, read it every day, comment every day, and then just lose interest I guess because they go away and never return.  At least to the comments section.  But happily, others seem to take their place.   So thanks for reading however long you stay with me.

One feature I began very early on was Friday Questions.  I figure that I've answered roughly 3,500 FQ's so far.  147 were the correct answers.

For today, I thought I'd go back and re-post my very first entry.  It's kind of a wandering mess, but in there somewhere are kernels of what the blog eventually has become.  Enjoy.  Since this post, over 35,000,000 visitors have stopped by.  I so appreciate that you're one of them. 

For everyone who has said to me "you should start a blog" here it is. Now what?

So until I figure that out, I thought I'd post the kind of stuff I have been writing -- namely humorous travelogues and award show reviews that up until now have only gone to those unfortunate souls in my address book. As I learn how this works and come up with original thoughts I shall add to it. Or take requests. Or go on to podcasting.

Interests will include pop culture, show business, baseball, radio, the 60's, the theatre, baby boomers, bragging about my kids, hawking my various projects, and general bitching.

But for now, here are examples of what I've done should anyone care what I do in the future. And if you're reading this, congratulations, you're probably the first to ever log on to this blog site.

****************

November 2005 -- Halloween in Frisco

I hope you’ll bear with me. I’ve been doing a lot of traveling lately. That means more travelogues. The good news is more material for a possible book. The bad news is you’re hearing more from me than the prince of the Contonou-Benin republic and he at least has a fabulous business opportunity. So at the risk of becoming spam, here’s another travel report. This is actually a compilation of two recent trips up to the bay area to visit my son, Matt. Enjoy….or delete.

As part of Debby’s social work doctoral program at the Lilith Sternin Institute she had to attend a convocation the first weekend of October in beautiful Emeryville, nestled cozily between the hills of Berkeley and the gang wars of Oakland. We decided to fly up to San Jose, hook up with Matt, and continue on to the Baghdad of the East Bay.

First stop was the Apple campus for a tour from Matt. As opposed to the last time I was there I thought I actually saw a pretty girl. Probably 600 engineers have taken secret pictures of her with their cellphone cams and now use it as their screen saver.

Debby got her first look at Matt’s apartment – the New Dehli Arms. He is the only resident of the building not named Kumar and not living with eight people in a one-bedroom unit.

On to San Francisco but veering off to Emeryville. That’s like bypassing New York City to vacation in Yonkers.

Emeryville is merely a collection of airport hotels without the airport. Why anyone would stay there that doesn’t have a 5 a.m. flight is beyond me.

While Debby spent the weekend listening to lectures on dementia Matt and I went to Berkeley to see the effects of it. The 60’s are alive on Telegraph Avenue. It’s as if a retirement village put on a production of HAIR. Tie-dyed shirts, head shops, hat shops. What better father-son bonding experience than shopping for bongs together?

I hate to tell these people but the Janis Joplin look did not even look good on Janis Joplin.

A panhandler went up to Matt claiming to be Jerry Garcia. (True story) But when Matt didn’t give him enough change he proved to be a member of the Un-Grateful Dead, or at least the Not-Sufficiently-Grateful Dead.

Bumper stickers seen: “Clinton lied but nobody died”. “Impeach Bush”, “FUCK LBJ”.

The Krishnas have a copier service. Considering they chant the same thing over and over it only makes sense.

But Berkeley does have Amoeba Records, the mecca of music stores. Now in three California locations, the Telegraph Ave. Amoeba was the first. And it’s still the best place to replace your Moby Grape and Joanie Sommers albums. Only drawback: Everyone who works there is weird. And by that I mean Manson Family with a knowledge of showtunes and the entire “Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings” catalogue. Dress code consists of mohawks, tattoos, turquoise hair, tongue studs, nose rings. What kind of sex life can they have when the only person who will ever touch their genitals is the one doing the piercing?

Telegraph Avenue was quite a contrast to University Avenue in Palo Alto, the Stanford equivalent, which Matt and I visited last weekend. Upscale, yuppified. The funkiest thing you can buy there is relaxed fit jeans at the Gap. Their sports bar has a wine list.

We were there to see the big Stanford-UCLA football game. Bad enough the UCLA marching band tried to do a salute to Queen, but the team itself played like crap. And the stadium with its backless aluminum benches could not be more uncomfortable if it was designed for Al Queda prisoners. So with Stanford humiliating UCLA 24-3 with less than seven minutes to go we did the smart thing and left. We beat the crowds, we beat the traffic…and we missed UCLA’s stunning 30-27 miracle comeback win in overtime – one of the most dramatic finishes in the school’s history. What a couple of SCHMUCKS!!!

For the rest of the weekend we did nothing but bang our heads into walls.

Meanwhile, Debby went into San Francisco. At Golden Gate Park she stumbled onto the “Wonder of Cannibis” festival. Everything you wanted to know about marijuana but had no more brain cells to ask. I’m sure a lot of former comedy writers had booths.

Stayed at the Galleria Park Hotel in the city. Charming or musty depending on whether you’ve been to the Cannibis festival. Our room was the inspiration for the Sam Spade pistol whipping scene in Maltese Falcon.

There’s not one radio station in town that will play Tony Bennett’s “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”. But six will play “Gangsta Sh**” by Lil’ Eazy-E.

And no longer will the bay area be blessed with the rich vocal tones of Bill King. The longtime voice of the Raiders, A’s, and Warriors passed away recently. You gotta love a sportscaster who was an aficionado on opera and ballet, a history buff, lived on a houseboat, never married the woman he was with for well over thirty years, turned down numerous lucrative network TV offers because he didn’t want to shave, never wore socks, and never paid more than $300 for a car. And was by far the best overall announcer in the country.

Hit the Original Pancake House in Cupertino. Try their famous German apple pancake. It’s the size of a manhole cover and one would give the entire Von Trapp Family diabetes. For something less sweet you could order (and this is true) clam pancakes.

How could we leave that game early? What were we thinkin’????

Halloween weekend in San Francisco. You can imagine the costumes. It reminds me of the time I was announcing for the San Diego Padres and we were in town to play the Giants. The team bus headed from the hotel to the ballpark but took a wrong turn and wound up in the Gay Pride Parade. The team couldn’t understand why everyone was cheering. What a good sports town San Francisco must be.

For Halloween Matt plans to hand out “Slim Jim” beef jerky sticks. The Kumar kids should love that.

Side note – Halloween: Jehovah’s Witnesses do not believe in it. So the one night of the year when people would open their doors to them they stay home.

Must be sweeps. News4 at 11 on Monday night begins a five part series on gang members now in the army. Will they return home and use their military tactics on YOU? And by that do they mean you might catch them sleeping under your jeep?

Even though it was Halloween weekend I did not make it out to the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose. Built by some insane woman in 1884, this Victorian mansion has staircases leading to walls, hallways that go nowhere, fireplaces every which where, dead ends left and right, windows in interior rooms, etc. The Haunted Mansion meets the United Airlines Terminal at O’Hare. If they held the Cannibis festival there no one would ever or could ever leave.

Happy Halloween. And once again, how could we leave that game??????

Next stop New York and that’ll be it for awhile. I promise.

Ken Levine
***********
November 2005 -- New Yawk, New Yawk

Back from Gotham where I helped out on a musical going into workshop production called THE 60’s PROJECT. It’s a fun and poignant journey through the decade, complete with all the music and assassinations you remember. My main contribution was getting them to take “Who Put the Bomp?” out of the Tet Offensive section. But it’s a terrific show despite the fact that an audience member called it “important”.

Stayed again at the Shelburne Murray Hill. But no Diane Lane this time. They should tell you that when you make your reservation. Seven whole days I stayed in that dump!

The tree is back! The world’s largest Christmas tree was delivered to Rockefeller Center this week. It was their second attempt. The first time no one was there and they had to leave a note. Usually city workers decorate the 75 foot Norwegian Spruce, adorning it with 25,000 lights. This year the task goes to Martha Stewart’s APPRENTICES.

Big Broadway show in town is the revival of ODD COUPLE with Matthew Broderick, and inexplicably, Nathan Lane as the slovenly “guy’s guy” Oscar Madison. I know it’s stunt casting but Jesus. Why not just go the whole way and cast Carol Channing?

Best panhandler: the guy at Broadway and 42nd holding a sign that reads: “YOU CAN YELL AT ME FOR A DOLLAR”.

Close second: The Naked Cowboy. This skeesix has long blonde hair, wears nothing but a Speedo and a guitar. I would still believe him as Oscar Madison before Nathan Lane.

Had a meeting at NBC at 30 Rock. The security has gotten ridiculous. They now even take your picture for a visitor’s pass. If they were really worried about someone bringing down their network they should just keep the producers of FEAR FACTOR out

There is barbed wire around the Plaza Hotel. It is being converted to condos. But the Oak Room will remain. The city was able to get its upscale hookers at the bar registered as historical landmarks.

Had breakfast at “Friend of a Farmer”. New York has officially run out of restaurant names.

The best pizza in New York is no longer Ray’s. It’s now John’s. So expect “Original Johns”, “John’s Original”, “Jon’s”, “Original Jon’s”, and “Jon’s Original” to pop up all over the city.

There’s a Home Depot on Lexington Avenue in Midtown. How do people get anything home? They have to lug their new garage doors or Jacuzzis or lumber on the subway?

Went to Carnegie Hall for the first time to see singer Linda Eder. Both were quite spectacular . (Andrew Carnegie, for those who didn’t know, was one of those American robber barons who made his fortune in fatty corned beef.) Linda received a standing ovation the moment she appeared. Very different from her July performance at an outdoor venue in San Diego when the only person who stood was a guy in a Hawaiian shirt trying to flag down the vendor for his fifth pina colada.

There are five balconies. The top one is above the timber line. Scalpers could easily sell $35 top balcony seats for $2000 saying they were the only Barbra Streisand tickets still available.

The only weird moment of the concert was when Linda said “Judy Garland had a huge influence on my life” and I was the only man in the audience who didn’t say “me too”.

The after-show party was fun. And when people asked what I was working on now I was able to say Broadway musical instead of failed Fox pilot.

There is a strange woman who always makes and hands out commemorative Linda Eder refrigerator magnets. Mine will be proudly displayed next to the Clippers 2003 home schedule.

You are no longer allowed on Avenue of the Americas unless you have a Blackberry. There are checkpoints.

A hotel was bombed in Jordan so currently there is extra security and SWAT teams at certain NY hotels. (Nothing at the Shelburne. They don’t even provide valet service). So now for your $700 a night at the Parker-Meredian (actual charge this week) you are in the heart of the theatre and terrorist target district.

Debby flew in just in time for the best sidewalk food vendor announcement. A bratwurst hawker on Broadway who was presented his award and arrested for not having a permit.

Cathy Rigby is doing her final performances of PETER PAN at Radio City. Next year she segues right into ARSENIC AND OLD LACE.

Meanwhile, Nathan Lane is segueing from THE ODD COUPLE to PETER PAN.

With all the amazing Italian restaurants in New York there is an Olive Garden. And it was packed. This is why “three card monty” takes in more money annually than the Statue of Liberty.

Languages spoken by my cab drivers: Urdu, Russian, Czech, Farsi, Klingon.

Forgot to set my alarm (all five days) for 5 a.m. so I could stand in the window of the TODAY SHOW, wave my arms like an idiot, and hold up a sign that says “HI JANE! HI BRYANT!”.

Now that all hotels employ recorded wake up call messages, this should be the one they use: “Good morning. This is your wake up call….(beat) Hey, fuck you too. You asked to be called.”

A street vendor on 6th Avenue was selling one of our SIMPSONS scripts for $15. Linda Eder magnets were going for $20.

Went to my favorite museum – the Margo Feiden Gallery, home of the glorious Al Hirschfeld collection. I was there so long I counted 4,362 Nina’s.

Latest fashion trend: kids wearing Yankee baseball caps two sizes too big. They all look like Sluggo.

Actual radio station press release: Clear Channel Urban WWPR (Power 105) and PREMIERE syndicated morning duo Star & Buc Wild have replaced newsman “Crossover Negro” (Reese Hopkins) with “Chris the Queer” (aka Chris Hart).

Bring back Dan Ingram!!

The MET LIFE building will always be the PAN AM building.

Annie flew in from Chicago for the weekend. First stop was Long Island and a big gathering of Debby’s relatives. We all met at an Italian restaurant on Queens Boulevard (Friend of an Undertaker) and had lunch. Just like a Sunday dinner scene in the SOPRANOS except Tony and the family never said “No cheese, I just had meat”, “what comes with that?”, “are the capers fresh?”, “I can make the same thing at home for fifty cents,” and “the last time I had cannelloni I went into labor”.

Stephen Sondheim came to our show on Sunday. And wound up sitting next to Annie. She’ll be dining off that story for years. The performance went very well until one of the leads, in the middle of “Sugar Sugar” broke into “Being Alive”.

If you put a Linda Eder refrigerator magnet together with a Barbra Streisand refrigerator magnet would they attract or repel?

JFK has been remodeled and refurbished, now sporting humongous Tomorrowland-like terminals and a monorail system. Once Zagat rated the worst airport in America, now with all the improvements it’s rated even worse. Instead of building bigger terminals how about providing more than two ticket agents at 6 pm on a Sunday?

Spending a week as part of the New York theatre scene was very heady indeed. Everyone was so friendly, so gracious. All of that will end of course when they find out I write for TV. But at least I met Stephen Sondheim. And he and Annie are now exchanging recipes.

Thanks so much to Janet, Richard, cast & crew, Dave, Ronni, Linda, and the Naked Cowboy for everything. I feel very lucky.

YOU CAN RUB ME FOR A DOLLAR.

Ken Levine
************************
Oscars 2005

Welcome to my 7th annual bitchy Oscar review. Where has the time and my feature career gone?

Hiring Chris Rock to host provided the only buzz and suspense of the show. His piece at the Magic Johnson theater said it all. No one outside of LA or NY has SEEN these films. It’s the Tonys but for two cities instead of one. And we’re supposed to watch to see stars? The nominees were Imelda Staunton, Sophie Okonedo, and Catalina Sandino Moreno. It'll be 2016 before any one of them appears on INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO.

The pre-Oscar coverage is always amusing. Most inane (as always) was Hollywood tool/footstool/bootlicker Sam Rubin and his co-host this year, the brainless Toni Senecal (who I assume is Sam’s gushy sycophant counterpart in New York) on KTLA. Sam to Catalina Sandino Moreno: “Did you spend a lot of time getting ready?” Has he ever actually talked to a woman?? Toni then asked her: “It’s your first movie, you’re the first Columbian to ever be nominated – call me crazy – how do you feel?” Toni asked Sophie Okonedo what was the best gift she had received.

Nominees I never heard of or recognized were blowing them off. Maybe if they weren't trying to lure them with Tic Tacs.

The KTLA fashion expert said about Hilary Swank; “It’s a surprise to everyone. She looks fantastic.”

Sam to P. Diddy: “People watching at home, having an Oscar party, what can they learn from you?”

There should be a spam blocker on my TV to save me from ever seeing Joan and Melissa Rivers. This year they’ve been relegated to the TV Guide channel which answers the question “what could possibly be less entertaining than a 24 hour program guide crawl?”

Chris Rock was as funny as he could be under the circumstances. Certainly they didn’t need the five second “dull-ay”. But when he went into the Bush bashing you could hear a loud collective CLICK as 49% of the nation turned off the show and went bowling. Expect this to be the lowest rated Academy Awards show ever. ABC will wish it showed DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES instead.

Everytime they came back from commercials you saw a stagehand running for backstage. For about an hour that was the only amusement.

Paul Giamati was robbed. He should’ve been nominated.

Thomas Hayden Church was nominated for being himself. The rest of the WINGS cast has been on suicide watch since the announcements.

The set looked like THE WEAKEST LINK.

Halle Berry now has a rival for most beautiful – Beyonce. Wow! And such an amazing singer. I could almost sit through all three of the nominated songs she sang.

I hope Natalie Portman enjoyed her nomination. She’s sure not getting one next year for STAR WARS VI: ENOUGH ALREADY.

Kathryn Hepburn wins Academy Awards even when she’s dead.

Adam Duritz from Counting Crows looked like a bottle washer.

Thank God the Pope didn’t die. The “In Memoriam” tribute is always dicey. I’d hate to see his photo followed by Russ Meyer’s.

And by the way, they forgot Sandra Dee.

Scarlett Johanson’s dress was a work in progress.

Steven Spielberg was a no-show. Guess if he’s not nominated there’s no need to come and support “the community”. I’m sure he’d say “why sit through an excruciatingly boring three hour show?” and I would say “how do you feel the rest of us felt watching TERMINAL?”

Drew Barrymore came as Morticia.

Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz are stunningly gorgeous. But presenters have to actually be able to pronounce names.

The three trophy models (now there’s a job that requires an advanced degree) were all 6’ because as director Louis Horvitz said “the stage has a lot of verticals. I wanted them to be very tall and thin so in the wide shots they blend in and become almost architecturally pleasing.” Mr. Horvitz, ‘Now’ on line three for you.

$20,000 goody bags were given away again this year…as if Thomas Hayden Church or Sophie Oronedo wouldn’t have come otherwise. And KTLA was offering Tic Tacs.

Just remember – Cher has won an Oscar.

This just in – the Red States have voted and CATWOMAN is the best picture of the year.

As long as Robert DeNiro continues to do movies like MEET THE FOCKERS Thomas Hayden Church will have a better chance at getting future nominations

Laura Linney looked like a raccoon.

I loved the Johnny Carson tribute. Were the Academy Awards ever better, ever classier than when he presided over them?

I’d like to thank the academy for honoring Sidney Lumet.

And for showing his Jessica Rabbit daughter. Or at least, I think that’s his daughter. She was very architecturally pleasing.

It’s bad enough to be nominated and lose but to be on stage when it happens? Yikes. Talk about pulling the rug out at the last second. I wonder if the losers then got to go to the backstage interview rooms and not be allowed to speak.

When the winners were announced from the audience I thought I was watching “Stump the Band”.

Mike Myers is never funny. Robin Williams used to be.

Where else can you see Mickey Rooney and Prince in the same audience?

For best song why not just use anything from RAY?

Johnny Depp came as Alfalfa this year.

What could the fun motif be for the HOTEL RWANDA after-party? Hopefully they consulted P. Diddy.

Boy, I bet Kevin Spacey was surprised when he wasn’t nominated for best actor, director, producer, writer, art director, hair stylist, and Gene Hersholt award for BEYOND THE SEA. Maybe if there was a category for largest ego, best mimic, and creepiest 50 year old playing 20.

Every academy member who received a screener tape of SPANGLISH gave it to their housekeeper.

Annette Bening should have been in the AVIATOR since she is married to Howard Hughes.

My vote for movie of the year: THE INCREDIBLES. But in all fairness, I haven’t seen WHITE CHICKS.

Of the 28 billion people who supposedly were watching I was the only one who appreciated just how good the off-screen announcer, Randy Thomas, was.

If you have Tivo I bet you zipped right through the Gene Hersholt award. And every non-actor acceptance speech. And the last twenty minutes of Jaimie Foxx’s.

Prince and Rene Zellwegger had the same hair style, used the same motor oil.

I don’t care what Sean Penn says. Jude Law was in every bad movie. And contributed to each of them.

Okay, now that Hilary Swank has thanked everyone in the world let’s give the award to someone else.

My son, Matt, is convinced that Hilary Swank is a man. So he was less impressed with her performance since it was a man portraying a woman acting like a man.

Leave it to a writer, Charlie Kaufman, to make the most refreshing speech.

If ever there was a lock it was Jaimie Foxx. No way he’d be singing “Cryin’ Time” tonight.

Julia Roberts looked pretty good for a new mom. Assuming she wasn’t wedged into that dress like a sausage.

Poor Martin Scorsese gets shut out again. And he talks fast. At least his speech would be quick even if he thanks a hundred people.

Clint Eastwood’s mom is still alive? I thought that was Warren Beatty.

Barbra Streisand is fast turning into Lainie Kazan. And seeing like Ray Charles.

The theme for the Best Picture nominees seemed to be “guy looking to cheat on his wife or girlfriend”. All except MILLION DOLLAR BABY. At Clint’s age all he can lust after now is pie.

I was happy MILLION DOLLAR BABY won….I guess. Oh hell, I didn’t care. And I’m sure at the Magic Johnson theater ticket sales for it won’t go up by one.

At least Jim Carrey wasn't on the show. See you at the DVD rental store.

Ken Levine
**************

Okay, that's me and what you'll get. 

Thanksgiving Plans

 It’s downright surreal listening to the two distinct realities that various news outlets are spouting.  With Thanksgiving just days away and COVID cases skyrocketing in America at an alarming rate, you would think everyone in the country would be scared shitless and heeding the CDC’s warnings to not travel and not have large gatherings on Thursday.

But instead you have Fox News mocking the CDC’s warnings.  Meanwhile, over at MSNBC you have Rachel Maddow relaying the horrific story of her partner’s battle with COVID and telling viewers to re-calibrate their risk acceptance because “you do NOT want to get this thing.”  

Two diametric opposites.  It’s mind-boggling to me.  

The states that are getting hit hardest are the states that believe the threat the least.  Utterly mystifying. This isn’t a debate over whether zombies are real.  Actual footage (even on Fox) of hospitals being overrun are dominating news coverage.  CNN keeps a running total of cases and deaths on the screen at all times.   By now, practically everybody knows someone who has it or has had it.   Soon we all know someone who died of it.

So you’d think, at the very least, people would take this pandemic seriously.  And news outlets would not politicize it for the sake of appeasing a deranged madman.  Folks would err on the side of caution.   We’re just talking common sense.   Wearing a mask does not qualify you for Mensa. 

But you know how this will play out.  Millions will ignore the warnings, get horribly sick, and some will die.  Needlessly.  To have one stupid meal.  

It won’t be many of my friends.  They take this seriously.  They social distance.  They wear masks.  They don’t travel through crowded airports and sit on packed airplanes that keep their ventilation systems turned off until they’re taxiing.  They live without Aunt Carol’s jello mold (which isn't very good anyway).  

So two realities.  One where people stay healthy, and the other where people get gravely sick and die by their own choosing.  

What are YOUR Thanksgiving plans?