I find these laws to be self evident…
Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew.
There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.
Theatre audiences will always boo a Rob Schneider trailer yet he will keep getting movies.
There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.
If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.
If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.
There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.
A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.
In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.
The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.
The lead off walk always comes around to score unless it doesn’t.
No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.
Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Paula Marshall is in.
When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.
The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.
When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.
Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.
The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.
Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.
The driver in front of you is an idiot.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Sweep suggestions
With May sweeps about to begin, here are a few things I'd like to see:
PRISON BREAK -- break out already for Chrissakes.
24 -- Let Chloe become head of CTU.
WILL & GRACE -- It's your last chance to get in every bad penis joke there is.
GREY'S ANATOMY -- Now that everyone has slept with everyone else, start sleeping with all the patients.
MY NAME IS EARL -- Transgression #18 Solve the Middle East problem.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- Go back to the first year when it was better.
LAW & ORDER -- replace Dennis Farina with Gallagher.
GILMORE GIRLS -- Since it's the last episode series creator Amy Sherman-Palladino will run, move the characters to Macon, Ga. and let the new show runner have to make that work.
The AMAZING RACE -- For the final challenge make both teams have to get through security at LAX in less than an hour.
HOUSE -- Let him get laid already. Have him guest on GREY'S ANATOMY.
LOST -- Find out that the missing characters were just in jail for DUI's in Hawaii.
AMERICAN IDOL -- Make the final original song that both finalists must sing even worse than the last few, if that's humanly possible.
PRISON BREAK -- break out already for Chrissakes.
24 -- Let Chloe become head of CTU.
WILL & GRACE -- It's your last chance to get in every bad penis joke there is.
GREY'S ANATOMY -- Now that everyone has slept with everyone else, start sleeping with all the patients.
MY NAME IS EARL -- Transgression #18 Solve the Middle East problem.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- Go back to the first year when it was better.
LAW & ORDER -- replace Dennis Farina with Gallagher.
GILMORE GIRLS -- Since it's the last episode series creator Amy Sherman-Palladino will run, move the characters to Macon, Ga. and let the new show runner have to make that work.
The AMAZING RACE -- For the final challenge make both teams have to get through security at LAX in less than an hour.
HOUSE -- Let him get laid already. Have him guest on GREY'S ANATOMY.
LOST -- Find out that the missing characters were just in jail for DUI's in Hawaii.
AMERICAN IDOL -- Make the final original song that both finalists must sing even worse than the last few, if that's humanly possible.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Very small screen recommendation
Hello from Chicago,
On the flight over I noticed a lot of passengers watching mini-DVD's. Who needs that crappy CBS Eye on America with STILL STANDING reruns when you can watch, well, anything else? But what I saw were people watching LORD OF THE RINGS and WAR OF THE WORLDS and TITANIC on their five inch screens. Maybe it's me but don't you lose a little scope?
So my suggestion for you busy travelers with portable DVD players is the British version of COUPLING. All seasons are available. This is the funniest, sharpist sitcom to come along since the British version of the OFFICE. Yes, there was an American version but the one without the benefit of network "improvements" was an exploration of relationships not sex. And cast with endearing goofy FUNNY actors not J Crew models. Sex was just part of the mix. And as an added bonus, you can understand the accents.
With all the talk about comedy being dead these days, check out COUPLING and see that, when done right, the form is very much alive. On a five or fifty inch screen.
On the flight over I noticed a lot of passengers watching mini-DVD's. Who needs that crappy CBS Eye on America with STILL STANDING reruns when you can watch, well, anything else? But what I saw were people watching LORD OF THE RINGS and WAR OF THE WORLDS and TITANIC on their five inch screens. Maybe it's me but don't you lose a little scope?
So my suggestion for you busy travelers with portable DVD players is the British version of COUPLING. All seasons are available. This is the funniest, sharpist sitcom to come along since the British version of the OFFICE. Yes, there was an American version but the one without the benefit of network "improvements" was an exploration of relationships not sex. And cast with endearing goofy FUNNY actors not J Crew models. Sex was just part of the mix. And as an added bonus, you can understand the accents.
With all the talk about comedy being dead these days, check out COUPLING and see that, when done right, the form is very much alive. On a five or fifty inch screen.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
My spec is Earl (R)
...as it would say in TV GUIDE.
I’m heading to Chicago for the weekend to see my daughter at Northwestern. Travelogue will follow sometime next week. Not sure how often I’ll be able to post this weekend but I’ll do my best to check in. Meanwhile, today I’m reprising a very popular post from five months ago dealing with spec scripts. Staffing season is right around the corner and I’ve got a lot of new readers so I figured this article is even timelier now than when I first posted it. I’ve also updated it a little because no one remembers OUT OF PRACTICE or KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL. I hope this is helpful.
*********
I’m often asked “what’s the best spec script to submit?” I can only speak for comedies. For dramas I say cover all your bases and do a CSI: DEADWOOD. There is no hard and fast rule but I, and most sitcom producers I know, prefer scripts of existing shows over pilots. We want to see how well you can write other people’s characters and fit into other people’s styles. That’s what you’ll be faced with if you get an assignment.
So then the question is “what show do I pick?” Not EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT. Select a current show you like and think you know the best. “Current” is the key word here. Once a show is cancelled the shelf life for your spec is about six months. You’ve got five minutes left for your ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. And I hope you didn’t pour a lot of time and effort into a spec TEACHERS. When RAYMOND went off the air everyone was sad but showrunners. No more reading fifty RAYMONDS a day when trying to staff! Same for this year’s departing WILL & GRACE! (although in that case I always found it hard to tell a good W&G from a bad one).
Of course you never have to worry with a SIMPSONS because they will go on making new episodes forever.
You do not have to write an episode of the show you’re submitting to. STILL STANDING will read KING OF QUEENS and vice versa. In fact, it’s tougher to sell a spec of the show you’re submitting to because they know that show so well. On the other hand, you could make up the names of the YES, DEAR characters and most show runners wouldn’t know the difference. But be careful. The show runners need to at least have heard of the show. For that reason I wouldn’t recommend specing a RODNEY or anything on the WB.
Here are a few other things to consider: The SIMPSONS and FAMILY GUY might really show off your funny but they’re cartoons. They don’t show your ability to write real people and emotions. So unless your specific goal is to write for a cartoon or the GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW, I’d say stick to live-action sitcoms. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM allows you to push the envelope but the dialogue is improvised. There is no such thing as a real CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM script. So your spec might feel a little artificial. Of course you could always just write “Larry does something funny here” but I wouldn’t recommend it.
Unfortunately, there are not a lot of great shows out there at the moment. What I think we’ll see this year is everybody writing a MY NAME IS EARL. It’s clearly the best of the new crop. The only caution I give you is that EVERYBODY will be writing one. If that doesn’t concern you (or you’ve written it already) I say go for it. If it does then some suitable alternates might be THE OFFICE, SCRUBS (rumors suggest it’s coming back next year), TWO AND A HALF MEN, EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS (although the bloom is definitely off that rose), or HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (a far cry from the CHEERS, TAXI, MASH, COSBY days).
Then there are the hour sorta-comedies. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, BOSTON LEGAL, HOUSE (they did a black basketball player big-dick anal sex joke last week, thus qualifying them as a legitimate comedy). These all have very specific tones. Hard to nail but if you do it could be a home run.
But at the end of the day it still is which show best fits your voice and sensibility? Good luck, and just so you know – the characters on YES, DEAR are Greg, Kim, Christine, and Jimmy. And the main character on RODNEY is Rodney (I think).
I’m heading to Chicago for the weekend to see my daughter at Northwestern. Travelogue will follow sometime next week. Not sure how often I’ll be able to post this weekend but I’ll do my best to check in. Meanwhile, today I’m reprising a very popular post from five months ago dealing with spec scripts. Staffing season is right around the corner and I’ve got a lot of new readers so I figured this article is even timelier now than when I first posted it. I’ve also updated it a little because no one remembers OUT OF PRACTICE or KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL. I hope this is helpful.
*********
I’m often asked “what’s the best spec script to submit?” I can only speak for comedies. For dramas I say cover all your bases and do a CSI: DEADWOOD. There is no hard and fast rule but I, and most sitcom producers I know, prefer scripts of existing shows over pilots. We want to see how well you can write other people’s characters and fit into other people’s styles. That’s what you’ll be faced with if you get an assignment.
So then the question is “what show do I pick?” Not EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT. Select a current show you like and think you know the best. “Current” is the key word here. Once a show is cancelled the shelf life for your spec is about six months. You’ve got five minutes left for your ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. And I hope you didn’t pour a lot of time and effort into a spec TEACHERS. When RAYMOND went off the air everyone was sad but showrunners. No more reading fifty RAYMONDS a day when trying to staff! Same for this year’s departing WILL & GRACE! (although in that case I always found it hard to tell a good W&G from a bad one).
Of course you never have to worry with a SIMPSONS because they will go on making new episodes forever.
You do not have to write an episode of the show you’re submitting to. STILL STANDING will read KING OF QUEENS and vice versa. In fact, it’s tougher to sell a spec of the show you’re submitting to because they know that show so well. On the other hand, you could make up the names of the YES, DEAR characters and most show runners wouldn’t know the difference. But be careful. The show runners need to at least have heard of the show. For that reason I wouldn’t recommend specing a RODNEY or anything on the WB.
Here are a few other things to consider: The SIMPSONS and FAMILY GUY might really show off your funny but they’re cartoons. They don’t show your ability to write real people and emotions. So unless your specific goal is to write for a cartoon or the GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW, I’d say stick to live-action sitcoms. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM allows you to push the envelope but the dialogue is improvised. There is no such thing as a real CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM script. So your spec might feel a little artificial. Of course you could always just write “Larry does something funny here” but I wouldn’t recommend it.
Unfortunately, there are not a lot of great shows out there at the moment. What I think we’ll see this year is everybody writing a MY NAME IS EARL. It’s clearly the best of the new crop. The only caution I give you is that EVERYBODY will be writing one. If that doesn’t concern you (or you’ve written it already) I say go for it. If it does then some suitable alternates might be THE OFFICE, SCRUBS (rumors suggest it’s coming back next year), TWO AND A HALF MEN, EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS (although the bloom is definitely off that rose), or HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (a far cry from the CHEERS, TAXI, MASH, COSBY days).
Then there are the hour sorta-comedies. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, BOSTON LEGAL, HOUSE (they did a black basketball player big-dick anal sex joke last week, thus qualifying them as a legitimate comedy). These all have very specific tones. Hard to nail but if you do it could be a home run.
But at the end of the day it still is which show best fits your voice and sensibility? Good luck, and just so you know – the characters on YES, DEAR are Greg, Kim, Christine, and Jimmy. And the main character on RODNEY is Rodney (I think).
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Room chemistry
When putting a writing staff together I always think of the great line from either Bob Schiller or Bob Weiskopf – what six people would you like to be stuck in a Volkswagon with driving across the country? Besides talent, so much depends on chemistry because you spend so much time together in close quarters under enormous pressure. By the end of the season even the closest staff starts getting on each other’s nerves. It’s like, take a fifty year marriage and compress it into eight months.
Here are some of the obvious annoying things staff writers do that drive me nuts. And every staff has them.
There’s “Captain Grammar” – he’s the guy who never contributes jokes or story fixes, just corrects grammar. And thinks he’s saving the show. If you can be replaced by a Microsoft Word tool you should not be on staff.
Every staff has that one infuriating person who always wants to go back four pages. You’re now on page 24, he wants to return to page 19.
“Mr. Back in a second” is in and out of the room fifty times a day for phone calls. The entire state of Rhode Island doesn’t get as many calls in one day as this guy. And when he returns you have to spend five minutes getting him up to speed. If he is also the “Can we go back to Page 17?” guy you fire him after thirteen weeks even if he’s funnier than Mel Brooks and Larry Gelbart combined.
Of course there’s the person who never shuts the fuck up. Even if they pitch something good you don’t hear it because it’s lodged in the middle of a story about her friend who has Crohn’s disease and her upcoming trip to Japan.
There’s the “PA Killer”. This guy terrorizes production assistants by sending them out for food sixteen times a day. And usually with specific requests. No eighteen year old blonde Reese Witherspoon lookalike wants to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles at 1 AM to pick up a snack.
Bi-polar people just seem to gravitate naturally to comedy writing rooms. The more depressed or angry the better.
Finally, there’s “Dr. No”, the guy who hates everything but never has any suggestions or alternatives. This person is either found dead in the parking lot or becomes the President of a network.
Fortunately, I have none of these bad traits, and I’m sure you don’t either. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a phone call.
Here are some of the obvious annoying things staff writers do that drive me nuts. And every staff has them.
There’s “Captain Grammar” – he’s the guy who never contributes jokes or story fixes, just corrects grammar. And thinks he’s saving the show. If you can be replaced by a Microsoft Word tool you should not be on staff.
Every staff has that one infuriating person who always wants to go back four pages. You’re now on page 24, he wants to return to page 19.
“Mr. Back in a second” is in and out of the room fifty times a day for phone calls. The entire state of Rhode Island doesn’t get as many calls in one day as this guy. And when he returns you have to spend five minutes getting him up to speed. If he is also the “Can we go back to Page 17?” guy you fire him after thirteen weeks even if he’s funnier than Mel Brooks and Larry Gelbart combined.
Of course there’s the person who never shuts the fuck up. Even if they pitch something good you don’t hear it because it’s lodged in the middle of a story about her friend who has Crohn’s disease and her upcoming trip to Japan.
There’s the “PA Killer”. This guy terrorizes production assistants by sending them out for food sixteen times a day. And usually with specific requests. No eighteen year old blonde Reese Witherspoon lookalike wants to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles at 1 AM to pick up a snack.
Bi-polar people just seem to gravitate naturally to comedy writing rooms. The more depressed or angry the better.
Finally, there’s “Dr. No”, the guy who hates everything but never has any suggestions or alternatives. This person is either found dead in the parking lot or becomes the President of a network.
Fortunately, I have none of these bad traits, and I’m sure you don’t either. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a phone call.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Final Draft revenge
Is it just me or is FINAL DRAFT the worst script program out there? For reasons that astound me it seems to be the industry favorite, at least in the sit com world – or the Paramount sit com world. I’ve used both FINAL DRAFT and MOVIE MAGIC and greatly prefer MOVIE MAGIC.
They’re similar except I haven’t wanted to fling my computer through a window while using MOVIE MAGIC. Both have their quirks but FINAL DRAFT was obviously conceived by some crazed disgruntled programmer who once wrote a spec PUNKY BREWSTER that I rejected 30 years ago. He’s been trying to destroy me ever since. Or, maybe it’s not him. Maybe it’s somebody else…
For years I used SCRIPTWARE, which I just assumed was designed and run by a major company. Turns out it was some lady in the San Fernando Valley. Did I once date her? Is that why the importing feature never worked?
And now I think back to all the loony secretaries my partner and I have had over the years. One was a spinster who drove a stolen Porsche. Another showed us nude photos of herself (her we liked). One asked for an extra hour at lunch because she was going to get an abortion. When we said she could take the rest of the day off she said, “That’s all right, I’ve done this before. No biggie.” We had a secretary taking script dictation who would put her head down and nap every time there was so much as one minute of silence in the writers room. She was saving her energy because she and a few others in the typing pool had a bet to see who could sleep with the highest ranking movie executive at that studio. (For the record, ours came in second, and fourth, and fifth, and ninth) Could any of these fruitcakes now be designing script programs? (The nude modeler quit. Even our offer to make her co-executive producer wasn’t enough to change her mind.)
One assistant we had would routinely stand on her head in the reception area. She got hit in the head by a tree branch in the commissary patio but I don’t think we were named in the lawsuit. Only the studio and “Hawkeye Pierce” for some reason. Another of our charming former assistants was stalking a burned out former rock icon of the 60’s who she insisted was in love with her. This is the same assistant whose cat once went up a tree so instead of calling the Fire Department she called the Special Effects department to send a stuntman out to her apartment. You fire these people for cause but you always wonder…could any one of them be using their technical computer skills to boil my rabbit? I think back to the disgruntled FRIENDS writers assistant who sued the writers for sexual harassment. Did those writers get off easy? At least their script program will let them make page breaks.
Yes, I may be paranoid. Yes, I may be over-reacting. But when I want an action line and FINAL DRAFT just keeps sending me to the dialogue tab over and over and over and over, well come on, I’m not an idiot. I KNOW IT’S PERSONAL.
They’re similar except I haven’t wanted to fling my computer through a window while using MOVIE MAGIC. Both have their quirks but FINAL DRAFT was obviously conceived by some crazed disgruntled programmer who once wrote a spec PUNKY BREWSTER that I rejected 30 years ago. He’s been trying to destroy me ever since. Or, maybe it’s not him. Maybe it’s somebody else…
For years I used SCRIPTWARE, which I just assumed was designed and run by a major company. Turns out it was some lady in the San Fernando Valley. Did I once date her? Is that why the importing feature never worked?
And now I think back to all the loony secretaries my partner and I have had over the years. One was a spinster who drove a stolen Porsche. Another showed us nude photos of herself (her we liked). One asked for an extra hour at lunch because she was going to get an abortion. When we said she could take the rest of the day off she said, “That’s all right, I’ve done this before. No biggie.” We had a secretary taking script dictation who would put her head down and nap every time there was so much as one minute of silence in the writers room. She was saving her energy because she and a few others in the typing pool had a bet to see who could sleep with the highest ranking movie executive at that studio. (For the record, ours came in second, and fourth, and fifth, and ninth) Could any of these fruitcakes now be designing script programs? (The nude modeler quit. Even our offer to make her co-executive producer wasn’t enough to change her mind.)
One assistant we had would routinely stand on her head in the reception area. She got hit in the head by a tree branch in the commissary patio but I don’t think we were named in the lawsuit. Only the studio and “Hawkeye Pierce” for some reason. Another of our charming former assistants was stalking a burned out former rock icon of the 60’s who she insisted was in love with her. This is the same assistant whose cat once went up a tree so instead of calling the Fire Department she called the Special Effects department to send a stuntman out to her apartment. You fire these people for cause but you always wonder…could any one of them be using their technical computer skills to boil my rabbit? I think back to the disgruntled FRIENDS writers assistant who sued the writers for sexual harassment. Did those writers get off easy? At least their script program will let them make page breaks.
Yes, I may be paranoid. Yes, I may be over-reacting. But when I want an action line and FINAL DRAFT just keeps sending me to the dialogue tab over and over and over and over, well come on, I’m not an idiot. I KNOW IT’S PERSONAL.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Summer Movies Preview -- the sequel
Continuing my look at the summer movies headed your way…
CLICK – Adam Sandler has a remote control and can pause the world. Sight gags, special effects, life lessons, and every other formula studio comedy trick ensues. If successful Adam’s character could join the next X-MEN movie as the mutant “Tivo”.
POSEIDON – Titanic meets Love Boat. The luxury liner capsizes. Glug glug. People drown. Still has to be better than taking a Carnival Cruise
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA – The Apprentice meets Hilary Clinton. The only reason Meryl Streep won’t get an Oscar nomination for her role is because she’s also in…
A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION – and does an accent. Shoo-in to win. Unless Rene Zellwegger is in a movie later this year and does a thicker accent.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT – Yeah, a sequel in Japan really worked for BAD NEWS BEARS.
THE OMEN –Remake of 1976 EXORCIST knock off. Since the EXORCIST was recently remade, this one had to be too. (For the record OMEN II is a remake of EXORCIST II).
THE REAPING – Yet another thriller about religious phenomena, this one starring Hilary Swank as a boxer who must go ten rounds against Satan. Between this and the DA VINCI CODE, and THE OMEN the Church is really taking it in the shorts this summer.
MIAMI VICE – Michael Mann updates his stylish 80’s TV series by removing all 80’s style. Original cast member Don Johnson cameos as Elvis the alligator.
LADY IN THE WATER – M. Night Shyamalan’s attempt to show he’s not a one-trick pony by doing a family friendly bedtime story. Unless advance screenings don’t test well. Then Bryce Dallas Howard’s lovable “Sea Narf” character will turn children into zombies and feed them to aliens.
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – The big Sundance winner getting all the hype. Could be this year’s HAPPY, TEXAS.
A SCANNER DARKLY – Richard Linklater’s live action turned into animation-for-no-reason look at the drug culture. Keanu Reeves finally has an excuse for his two dimensional performance. If I want to see people turned into cartoons I’ll watch the A-ha music video.
WORLD TRADE CENTER – Is it too soon to see a movie about 9-11? Is it too soon to see anything again from Oliver Stone? If WTC does well its opening weekend will the headline in VARIETY be “Ground Zero Boxoffice Hero”?
SNAKES ON A PLANE – I submit we have fellow blogger Josh Friedman to thank for creating so much buzz about the studio wussying-out and changing this title that it got reinstated. Three guesses what the movie’s about.
CLERKS II – After JERSEY GIRL Kevin Smith must go back to the beginning and re-trace his career. Up next: CATCHING AMY.
And the overall good news about this summer’s crop of films – there’s not one by Nora Ephron!! See ya at the Cineplex.
CLICK – Adam Sandler has a remote control and can pause the world. Sight gags, special effects, life lessons, and every other formula studio comedy trick ensues. If successful Adam’s character could join the next X-MEN movie as the mutant “Tivo”.
POSEIDON – Titanic meets Love Boat. The luxury liner capsizes. Glug glug. People drown. Still has to be better than taking a Carnival Cruise
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA – The Apprentice meets Hilary Clinton. The only reason Meryl Streep won’t get an Oscar nomination for her role is because she’s also in…
A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION – and does an accent. Shoo-in to win. Unless Rene Zellwegger is in a movie later this year and does a thicker accent.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT – Yeah, a sequel in Japan really worked for BAD NEWS BEARS.
THE OMEN –Remake of 1976 EXORCIST knock off. Since the EXORCIST was recently remade, this one had to be too. (For the record OMEN II is a remake of EXORCIST II).
THE REAPING – Yet another thriller about religious phenomena, this one starring Hilary Swank as a boxer who must go ten rounds against Satan. Between this and the DA VINCI CODE, and THE OMEN the Church is really taking it in the shorts this summer.
MIAMI VICE – Michael Mann updates his stylish 80’s TV series by removing all 80’s style. Original cast member Don Johnson cameos as Elvis the alligator.
LADY IN THE WATER – M. Night Shyamalan’s attempt to show he’s not a one-trick pony by doing a family friendly bedtime story. Unless advance screenings don’t test well. Then Bryce Dallas Howard’s lovable “Sea Narf” character will turn children into zombies and feed them to aliens.
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – The big Sundance winner getting all the hype. Could be this year’s HAPPY, TEXAS.
A SCANNER DARKLY – Richard Linklater’s live action turned into animation-for-no-reason look at the drug culture. Keanu Reeves finally has an excuse for his two dimensional performance. If I want to see people turned into cartoons I’ll watch the A-ha music video.
WORLD TRADE CENTER – Is it too soon to see a movie about 9-11? Is it too soon to see anything again from Oliver Stone? If WTC does well its opening weekend will the headline in VARIETY be “Ground Zero Boxoffice Hero”?
SNAKES ON A PLANE – I submit we have fellow blogger Josh Friedman to thank for creating so much buzz about the studio wussying-out and changing this title that it got reinstated. Three guesses what the movie’s about.
CLERKS II – After JERSEY GIRL Kevin Smith must go back to the beginning and re-trace his career. Up next: CATCHING AMY.
And the overall good news about this summer’s crop of films – there’s not one by Nora Ephron!! See ya at the Cineplex.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Summer Movies Preview
Everyone’s doing their big Summer Movie Preview. Here’s mine.
DA VINCI CODE – Raiders of the Lost Holy Grail. I imagine it will reduce the lengthy obscure history discourses into action sequences. In keeping with the theme, Tom Hanks has the same hair style as Mona Lisa.
SUPERMAN RETURNS – The big question in Superman movies was always would the flying look fake? With Bryan Singer directing the big question is will Superman be gay? Will we be saying “Great Caesar’s Ghost” when we see his package? This movie will feature unused footage of Marlon Brando, hopefully from the last Superman series and not APOCOLYSE NOW. Let’s not hear the atrocities Vietnamese children are subject to on Krypton. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor should be fun…unless he breaks into Mack the Knife.
X-MEN: THE LAST STAND – New mutant this year. “Bouncer”. Can remove all static electricity and wrinkles. Big climax is Hugh Jackman as Wolverine trying to put in a contact lens.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST – Johnny Depp reprises his most fun role and Keira Knightley is in danger – Throw in some pillaging and I’m there. To better simulate the ride, two loud giggling annoying teenagers will be yammering in the seats in front of you.
THE BREAK UP – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Either it will be a big hit or next year Jennifer will be starring in a sitcom with Tony Danza on the CW.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3: Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins an Oscar yet his name is not even mentioned in the trailer. We get it. It’s a Tom Cruise movie. Big whoop. Tom Cruise reprises the two expressions he’s played in every movie since RISKY BUSINESS. They can spend $300 million to make this stunt fest and the best thing will still be the theme song.
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND – Luke Wilson breaks up with his girlfriend, Uma Thurman only to learn she has super powers and uses them for revenge. I’m hoping she doesn’t have more masculine qualities than the guy playing Superman.
CARS – Pixar’s big screen version of the Chevron Oil cars. Unless the cute little autos break into song I predict huge boxoffice. I wonder if there will be a Pixar short first. Sorry, but I always hate them.
OVER THE HEDGE – Shrek with hamsters. Garry Shandlings’ voice. The first big screen whining cartoon character.
JUST MY LUCK – Lindsay Lohan (‘nuff said). Luckiest girl in the world meets unluckiest guy. They kiss and their luck is reversed. Gee, if that’s not the most formula high concept studio idea of the summer I don’t know what is. I bet they learn something along the way and fall in love too. And they sing a popular song from the 60’s in the middle of the movie and over closing credits there are hilarious outtakes.
TALLEDEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – Will Ferrell’s NASCAR spoof. Could be more of a cartoon than CARS.
DOWN IN THE VALLEY – Sounds like the sequel to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Ed Norton is a cowboy in the San Fernando Valley. He’s in for a big shock when he learns that the Warner Ranch is really a series of office buildings and a Marriott.
…more tomorrow….
DA VINCI CODE – Raiders of the Lost Holy Grail. I imagine it will reduce the lengthy obscure history discourses into action sequences. In keeping with the theme, Tom Hanks has the same hair style as Mona Lisa.
SUPERMAN RETURNS – The big question in Superman movies was always would the flying look fake? With Bryan Singer directing the big question is will Superman be gay? Will we be saying “Great Caesar’s Ghost” when we see his package? This movie will feature unused footage of Marlon Brando, hopefully from the last Superman series and not APOCOLYSE NOW. Let’s not hear the atrocities Vietnamese children are subject to on Krypton. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor should be fun…unless he breaks into Mack the Knife.
X-MEN: THE LAST STAND – New mutant this year. “Bouncer”. Can remove all static electricity and wrinkles. Big climax is Hugh Jackman as Wolverine trying to put in a contact lens.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST – Johnny Depp reprises his most fun role and Keira Knightley is in danger – Throw in some pillaging and I’m there. To better simulate the ride, two loud giggling annoying teenagers will be yammering in the seats in front of you.
THE BREAK UP – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Either it will be a big hit or next year Jennifer will be starring in a sitcom with Tony Danza on the CW.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3: Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins an Oscar yet his name is not even mentioned in the trailer. We get it. It’s a Tom Cruise movie. Big whoop. Tom Cruise reprises the two expressions he’s played in every movie since RISKY BUSINESS. They can spend $300 million to make this stunt fest and the best thing will still be the theme song.
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND – Luke Wilson breaks up with his girlfriend, Uma Thurman only to learn she has super powers and uses them for revenge. I’m hoping she doesn’t have more masculine qualities than the guy playing Superman.
CARS – Pixar’s big screen version of the Chevron Oil cars. Unless the cute little autos break into song I predict huge boxoffice. I wonder if there will be a Pixar short first. Sorry, but I always hate them.
OVER THE HEDGE – Shrek with hamsters. Garry Shandlings’ voice. The first big screen whining cartoon character.
JUST MY LUCK – Lindsay Lohan (‘nuff said). Luckiest girl in the world meets unluckiest guy. They kiss and their luck is reversed. Gee, if that’s not the most formula high concept studio idea of the summer I don’t know what is. I bet they learn something along the way and fall in love too. And they sing a popular song from the 60’s in the middle of the movie and over closing credits there are hilarious outtakes.
TALLEDEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – Will Ferrell’s NASCAR spoof. Could be more of a cartoon than CARS.
DOWN IN THE VALLEY – Sounds like the sequel to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Ed Norton is a cowboy in the San Fernando Valley. He’s in for a big shock when he learns that the Warner Ranch is really a series of office buildings and a Marriott.
…more tomorrow….
LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN
Just saw LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN. Don’t make that mistake. Artsy-fartsy Tarentino wannabe directing and story starring Josh Hartnett (this generation’s Matthew Modine) and Bruce Willis whose current style of acting can only be described as “Botox”.
Quick cuts of a telephone ringing, random people getting graphically blown away, process shots of New York, a horse race – remind you of anything? Right. College. All those pretentious student films you had to suffer through. Only thing missing was an insufferable Q&A with the director afterwards where he told you how LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN was really a retelling of the story of Christ and an homage to the Jerry Lewis movies he saw as a kid.
The film (and it is a “film”) is all about the old bait and switch and the only one director Paul McGuigan pulled off successfully was convincing Sir Ben Kingsley and Morgan Freeman that this was a good career choice. (It’s hard to watch Morgan Freeman in a bad movie without thinking, “Where is Ashley Judd?”)
One performance of note: Lucy Lui. Probably only hired because she was in KILL BILL. A lot of Quentin-Envy going on here.
When you go to a movie and the commercials are better you know you’re in for a bomb. Avoid LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN.
Tomorrow: my Summer Movie Preview. Don’t buy your tickets just yet.
Quick cuts of a telephone ringing, random people getting graphically blown away, process shots of New York, a horse race – remind you of anything? Right. College. All those pretentious student films you had to suffer through. Only thing missing was an insufferable Q&A with the director afterwards where he told you how LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN was really a retelling of the story of Christ and an homage to the Jerry Lewis movies he saw as a kid.
The film (and it is a “film”) is all about the old bait and switch and the only one director Paul McGuigan pulled off successfully was convincing Sir Ben Kingsley and Morgan Freeman that this was a good career choice. (It’s hard to watch Morgan Freeman in a bad movie without thinking, “Where is Ashley Judd?”)
One performance of note: Lucy Lui. Probably only hired because she was in KILL BILL. A lot of Quentin-Envy going on here.
When you go to a movie and the commercials are better you know you’re in for a bomb. Avoid LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN.
Tomorrow: my Summer Movie Preview. Don’t buy your tickets just yet.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Love Letters
I see that CNN.com now has a “Worst song” article. Gee, I wonder where they got the idea?
*****
For my weekend post:
LOVE LETTERS by AR Gurney is an enormously successful play. Ingenious in its design, an actor and actress sit at tables or stand at podiums and just read love letters. So no blocking or rehearsal or memorization is ever really needed. Actors can easily rotate in and out of the piece and frequently do. This can result in prestigious A-level actor pairings but there have also been productions by Charlton and Lydia Heston and Shirley Jones & Marty Ingells. Since I couldn’t attend either of those I shall wait to see LOVE LETTERS until one of the following pairings is announced:
Ann Coulter & Al Franken
Woody Allen & Mia Farrow
24’s Chloe & Gore Vidal
Kellie Pickler & Bucky Covington
Michael Jackson & Elizabeth Taylor
Billy Bob Thornton & Angelina Jolie
Tom Cruise & Brooke Shields
Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown
Mary Tyler Moore & Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Regis Philbin & Kelly Rippa
Dr. Laura & Dr. Phil
Liza Minelli & David Gest
Jack Klugman & Lauren Becall
Barry Bonds & his mistress Kimberly
Donnie & Marie
Bill Clinton & (the voice of) Monica Lewinsky
Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell
President Bush & a mannequin
Lou Ferrigno & Marlie Matlin
Andrew Dice Clay & Amy Grant
Bjork & Bob Dylan
Katie Couric & Walter Cronkite
Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt
Richard Hatch & Tonya Harding
The President of Iran & Rene Taylor
Bonnie Bernstein & Coach Roy Williams
And of course, Broadway’s latest stunt casting duo, whether they fit the roles or not….
Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick
*****
For my weekend post:
LOVE LETTERS by AR Gurney is an enormously successful play. Ingenious in its design, an actor and actress sit at tables or stand at podiums and just read love letters. So no blocking or rehearsal or memorization is ever really needed. Actors can easily rotate in and out of the piece and frequently do. This can result in prestigious A-level actor pairings but there have also been productions by Charlton and Lydia Heston and Shirley Jones & Marty Ingells. Since I couldn’t attend either of those I shall wait to see LOVE LETTERS until one of the following pairings is announced:
Ann Coulter & Al Franken
Woody Allen & Mia Farrow
24’s Chloe & Gore Vidal
Kellie Pickler & Bucky Covington
Michael Jackson & Elizabeth Taylor
Billy Bob Thornton & Angelina Jolie
Tom Cruise & Brooke Shields
Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown
Mary Tyler Moore & Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Regis Philbin & Kelly Rippa
Dr. Laura & Dr. Phil
Liza Minelli & David Gest
Jack Klugman & Lauren Becall
Barry Bonds & his mistress Kimberly
Donnie & Marie
Bill Clinton & (the voice of) Monica Lewinsky
Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell
President Bush & a mannequin
Lou Ferrigno & Marlie Matlin
Andrew Dice Clay & Amy Grant
Bjork & Bob Dylan
Katie Couric & Walter Cronkite
Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt
Richard Hatch & Tonya Harding
The President of Iran & Rene Taylor
Bonnie Bernstein & Coach Roy Williams
And of course, Broadway’s latest stunt casting duo, whether they fit the roles or not….
Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Sexual Peversity in the writing room
Thanks to the California Supreme Court we comedy writers can continue to be vulgar and crass and sexist and infantile and crude…and do our jobs. With a vote of 7-0 the judges threw out the ridiculous sexual harassment lawsuit against certain FRIENDS writers and Warner Brothers filed by a disgruntled incompetent writers’ assistant who was fired for cause. The sexually explicit remarks made by the FRIENDS writers were not even aimed at her (although now they will be). They were directed at the actors.
Writers Rooms are not for the faint of heart. It is not the Queen’s Tea in there. Sitcom writers on multi-camera shows like FRIENDS work under enormous pressure. The writers see a runthrough at 4:00 and must fix the entire script that night, even if it means throwing out the script and writing a new one. They must identify the problems, come up with the solutions, and have the new draft ready first thing in the morning. Tough luck if the muse doesn’t come, or you’ve got the flu, or worse, had Laker tickets. And you face this daunting task essentially every night for 22 weeks.
To relieve that pressure and kick start the creative process, comedy writers need to be free to say ANYTHING. And considering we’re all neurotic, self loathing, insecure, still pining for that girl from Junior High, and funny our escape valve tends to be material that makes “The Aristocrats” joke seem PG. The only rule is everything and everyone is fair game…even YOU. The best way to prevent others from taking a shot at you is taking the shot yourself. A writers room is the only place in the world where the winner of a dick measuring contest is the one who has the smallest.
And if a favorite target is the cast, well who do you think had all the objections or tanked the material that resulted in this grueling rewrite anyway? You’re in a stuffy room eating bad Chinese food or El Pollo Loco while Courtney Cox is out for a lovely evening. Sure you’re going to talk about her genitals…for twelve hours.
Had the writers’ assistant won this absurd lawsuit the result would not be more genteel writers rooms. It would be fewer woman writers and assistants being hired. And no one would benefit from that.
One last point. If you were ever to be in one of these rooms you would likely be appalled, offended, even outraged…but you would never laugh so much and so hard in your life.
And maybe some of the Courtney Cox genital jokes were true.
Writers Rooms are not for the faint of heart. It is not the Queen’s Tea in there. Sitcom writers on multi-camera shows like FRIENDS work under enormous pressure. The writers see a runthrough at 4:00 and must fix the entire script that night, even if it means throwing out the script and writing a new one. They must identify the problems, come up with the solutions, and have the new draft ready first thing in the morning. Tough luck if the muse doesn’t come, or you’ve got the flu, or worse, had Laker tickets. And you face this daunting task essentially every night for 22 weeks.
To relieve that pressure and kick start the creative process, comedy writers need to be free to say ANYTHING. And considering we’re all neurotic, self loathing, insecure, still pining for that girl from Junior High, and funny our escape valve tends to be material that makes “The Aristocrats” joke seem PG. The only rule is everything and everyone is fair game…even YOU. The best way to prevent others from taking a shot at you is taking the shot yourself. A writers room is the only place in the world where the winner of a dick measuring contest is the one who has the smallest.
And if a favorite target is the cast, well who do you think had all the objections or tanked the material that resulted in this grueling rewrite anyway? You’re in a stuffy room eating bad Chinese food or El Pollo Loco while Courtney Cox is out for a lovely evening. Sure you’re going to talk about her genitals…for twelve hours.
Had the writers’ assistant won this absurd lawsuit the result would not be more genteel writers rooms. It would be fewer woman writers and assistants being hired. And no one would benefit from that.
One last point. If you were ever to be in one of these rooms you would likely be appalled, offended, even outraged…but you would never laugh so much and so hard in your life.
And maybe some of the Courtney Cox genital jokes were true.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My worst home run call
Yesterday I shared my best home run call. This was my worst. With a close second to follow.
It was my first year in the majors, with Baltimore. Now that I was in the “bigs” I figured I needed a signature home run call. So I came up “Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building!” I did it a couple of times the first week and it seemed to go well. Week two we were in Milwaukee. Late in the game. An Oriole swings and this is my home run call:
“Long drive to deep right. Yount goes back and ladies and gentlemen, Elvis is…off the top of the wall.”
My partner, the great Jon Miller, just put his head down on the console. I’m sure he was wondering “how did they ever hire THIS idiot?”
I wrote a book about my year in Baltimore and called it “It’s Gone!…No, wait a minute!” which unfortunately was my signature home run call in the minors. Often times in those bandbox ballparks with triple deck signage (most of it white and touting such prestigious concerns as “Rent-a-Wreck and Melman’s Mortuary) and bad lighting it was next to impossible to accurately call home runs. If the ball cleared the first level it was gone, below it was still in play. Even the players and umpires didn’t know half the time. I started playing it safe by saying “there’s a long drive to deep left field, it’s high, it’s deep, it’s time for station identification!” Fifteen seconds later when I was back I knew the outcome…usually.
One time doing a game in Rochester, there was a long drive to the wall. The outfielder leaped for it. I said, “He makes the catch!” My partner shook his head no and started twirling his finger. That’s the home run signal, but he didn’t know that. He thought he was signaling that the ball was still in the play and the runners were circling. So this was my call: “He makes the catch. No, wait, it’s a home run. No, wait, it’s a double.” This time I banged my head on the console.
Happy to say I did much better in the majors although to play it safe my home run call was and still remains “It’s Gone, I hope to God!”
It was my first year in the majors, with Baltimore. Now that I was in the “bigs” I figured I needed a signature home run call. So I came up “Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building!” I did it a couple of times the first week and it seemed to go well. Week two we were in Milwaukee. Late in the game. An Oriole swings and this is my home run call:
“Long drive to deep right. Yount goes back and ladies and gentlemen, Elvis is…off the top of the wall.”
My partner, the great Jon Miller, just put his head down on the console. I’m sure he was wondering “how did they ever hire THIS idiot?”
I wrote a book about my year in Baltimore and called it “It’s Gone!…No, wait a minute!” which unfortunately was my signature home run call in the minors. Often times in those bandbox ballparks with triple deck signage (most of it white and touting such prestigious concerns as “Rent-a-Wreck and Melman’s Mortuary) and bad lighting it was next to impossible to accurately call home runs. If the ball cleared the first level it was gone, below it was still in play. Even the players and umpires didn’t know half the time. I started playing it safe by saying “there’s a long drive to deep left field, it’s high, it’s deep, it’s time for station identification!” Fifteen seconds later when I was back I knew the outcome…usually.
One time doing a game in Rochester, there was a long drive to the wall. The outfielder leaped for it. I said, “He makes the catch!” My partner shook his head no and started twirling his finger. That’s the home run signal, but he didn’t know that. He thought he was signaling that the ball was still in the play and the runners were circling. So this was my call: “He makes the catch. No, wait, it’s a home run. No, wait, it’s a double.” This time I banged my head on the console.
Happy to say I did much better in the majors although to play it safe my home run call was and still remains “It’s Gone, I hope to God!”
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
My best home run call
For three years in the minors and seven in the majors I did baseball play-by-play. Someday I hope to do it again. The staple of a baseball announcer is his home run call. I thought today I’d share my best home run call ever and then tomorrow my worst.
I was broadcasting for the Syracuse Chiefs, the AAA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays. Our station had a weaker signal than my home Wifi transmitter. At night you couldn’t hear it at the ballpark. When people complained I used to say that this was just the flagship station of the “Worldwide Syracuse Chiefs Radio Network”. I would pause for station identification every half hour and make up all this crap about how popular the Chiefs were in Norway and Bhutan.
We had a third baseman named Norm Tonucci. Sweet kid from Connecticut who was on a year long slump. He came to bat once and I said we had many listeners from Borneo because Norm was a folk hero over there. I then created some story that his father had parachuted behind enemy lines in World War II and single handedly saved the country. I said the currency of Borneo is “Tonuches”, that 90% of male babies and 70% of female babies were named Norm. Every time he came to bat I would reprieve this Borneo connection and night after night he would go 0-3, 0-4, 0-8 (doubleheader).
One night we’re in Oklahoma City and Norm hits a triple. When he came to bat the next time up I talked about how excited the people of Borneo were over the triple. The next pitch he just crushed. And this was my home run call:
“Tonucci swings and there’s a long drive to deep left field. Steve Kemp goes back…to the track…to the wall….NO SCHOOL TOMORROW IN BORNEO!”
I was broadcasting for the Syracuse Chiefs, the AAA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays. Our station had a weaker signal than my home Wifi transmitter. At night you couldn’t hear it at the ballpark. When people complained I used to say that this was just the flagship station of the “Worldwide Syracuse Chiefs Radio Network”. I would pause for station identification every half hour and make up all this crap about how popular the Chiefs were in Norway and Bhutan.
We had a third baseman named Norm Tonucci. Sweet kid from Connecticut who was on a year long slump. He came to bat once and I said we had many listeners from Borneo because Norm was a folk hero over there. I then created some story that his father had parachuted behind enemy lines in World War II and single handedly saved the country. I said the currency of Borneo is “Tonuches”, that 90% of male babies and 70% of female babies were named Norm. Every time he came to bat I would reprieve this Borneo connection and night after night he would go 0-3, 0-4, 0-8 (doubleheader).
One night we’re in Oklahoma City and Norm hits a triple. When he came to bat the next time up I talked about how excited the people of Borneo were over the triple. The next pitch he just crushed. And this was my home run call:
“Tonucci swings and there’s a long drive to deep left field. Steve Kemp goes back…to the track…to the wall….NO SCHOOL TOMORROW IN BORNEO!”
Monday, April 17, 2006
AMERICAN IDOL predictions
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY did a big article on AMERICAN IDOL this week. Included was a section on “where are they now” featuring past contestants. I will now be the first to tell you where the current crop of contestants will be in a few years from now.
******
CHRIS DAUGHTRY – Will win AMERICAN IDOL. Have a nice career but not great career because true rock fans will know he sold out by doing AI. The “Broadway” theme week won’t help either.
KELLIE PICKLER – Will have a modest career as a C/W singer. Her father will get out of jail and want to manage her. She will refuse. Her father will then kill the manager. There will be a movie of the week. Carrie Underwood will play Kellie.
PARIS BENNETT – Will play Gary Coleman in the touring company of AVENUE Q.
KATHERINE MCPHEE – Will join the Johnny Mann Singers and be heard on KRTH jingles. Will try to make a niche for herself in the standards market. Will discover there is no standards market. Will marry, have kids, and be forever bitter that Linda Eder has her career.
ACE YOUNG – Will star in a sitcom on the DISNEY CHANNEL. Will marry three times, have six kids, and be forever bitter that Scott Baio has his career.
ELLIOTT YAMIN – Will become a cantor. To mothers of the congregation with eligible daughters he will be viewed as George Clooney.
TAYLOR HICKS – Will become the President of the United States.
******
CHRIS DAUGHTRY – Will win AMERICAN IDOL. Have a nice career but not great career because true rock fans will know he sold out by doing AI. The “Broadway” theme week won’t help either.
KELLIE PICKLER – Will have a modest career as a C/W singer. Her father will get out of jail and want to manage her. She will refuse. Her father will then kill the manager. There will be a movie of the week. Carrie Underwood will play Kellie.
PARIS BENNETT – Will play Gary Coleman in the touring company of AVENUE Q.
KATHERINE MCPHEE – Will join the Johnny Mann Singers and be heard on KRTH jingles. Will try to make a niche for herself in the standards market. Will discover there is no standards market. Will marry, have kids, and be forever bitter that Linda Eder has her career.
ACE YOUNG – Will star in a sitcom on the DISNEY CHANNEL. Will marry three times, have six kids, and be forever bitter that Scott Baio has his career.
ELLIOTT YAMIN – Will become a cantor. To mothers of the congregation with eligible daughters he will be viewed as George Clooney.
TAYLOR HICKS – Will become the President of the United States.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Diane Farr is hot for Peter McNichol???
First off, thanks to everyone who contributed their votes for worst song over the weekend. They were deliciously frightening and more suggestions are welcome. And if I may just add one of my own – Dang Me by Roger Miller (Roses are red and violets are purple, sugar’s sweet and so is maple surple.) Now for today’s rant.
*******
I think it started in the early 70’s. Even though Mary Richards only had an entry level job at WJM she still had this amazing wardrobe and never wore the same designer outfit twice. How did she pull that off on her paltry salary? Rhoda made more money and wore the same two schmatahs.
It’s called creative license and TV has gone to that card liberally and frequently ever since. Not that I’m not guilty of it myself. Audiences are supposed to believe that all eleven years of MASH actually took place over a one year time span. It was an especially hard buy during the many Christmas episodes. (There was also an episode that took place over one year but that wasn’t on our watch.)
Here are some more recent examples:
The Las Vegas CSI department must have a budget of $37 billion. They have every piece of equipment imaginable (even high tech contraptions that haven’t been invented yet). You need to determine what brand of gum was found on a shoe at the murder scene? They have a machine that can tell you the brand, flavor, and how many bubbles were blown. I bet if you saw the real Vegas CSI department it would look like your Uncle Bob’s garage. And the detectives would have to spring for their own goggles.
On NUMB3RS the math geek can do the most elaborate math problems in half a day and not the six months it would really take a computer to solve. Recently he charted the path of every student in a high school and was able to determine which class they were to attend if they hadn’t been gunned down. Amazing! Then, when he briefs the FBI he has found the time to create a whole animated computer graphic presentation. And even all that I could let slide. But now they have hot FBI agent, Diane Farr seemingly attracted to uber nerd Peter McNichol. Come on math whizzes, the probability of that can not even be calculated.
The O.C. – everything about it.
PRISON BREAK – Michael hasn’t been violated by every prison mate and six of the guards. Not believable.
HOUSE – Has a patient ever been to that hospital without going into seizures? Has a patient ever been correctly diagnosed without having to take four expensive tests that proved to be unnecessary? Blue Cross must go into conniptions when they get a bill from that hospital. Malpractice lawyers should set up card tables in the lobby.
LOST – One of the friends or relatives of the survivors couldn’t Google Map that island? Mark Burnett hasn’t scouted it yet for SURVIVOR?
24 – the granddaddy of them all. See several previous posts. I’ll just add that Jack’s cellphone always gets great reception, and how bad are our country’s intelligence agencies when the bad guys all have armies and compounds and guards aplenty yet no one in Homeland Security has any inkling of these world domination plots? And how do the bad guys recruit all these guards and soldiers? Do they put ads in LA WEEKLY? “Help Wanted: Guards for plot to take over America. Must have experience in firearms and be discreet. Contact: Mr. X, 187 E. Secret Compound Dr., Simi Valley, Ca. 91537.”
And finally, the topper -- WEST WING depicts the President of the United States as an intelligent learned compassion man. Everyone knows that couldn’t be further from what really exists in real life.
*******
I think it started in the early 70’s. Even though Mary Richards only had an entry level job at WJM she still had this amazing wardrobe and never wore the same designer outfit twice. How did she pull that off on her paltry salary? Rhoda made more money and wore the same two schmatahs.
It’s called creative license and TV has gone to that card liberally and frequently ever since. Not that I’m not guilty of it myself. Audiences are supposed to believe that all eleven years of MASH actually took place over a one year time span. It was an especially hard buy during the many Christmas episodes. (There was also an episode that took place over one year but that wasn’t on our watch.)
Here are some more recent examples:
The Las Vegas CSI department must have a budget of $37 billion. They have every piece of equipment imaginable (even high tech contraptions that haven’t been invented yet). You need to determine what brand of gum was found on a shoe at the murder scene? They have a machine that can tell you the brand, flavor, and how many bubbles were blown. I bet if you saw the real Vegas CSI department it would look like your Uncle Bob’s garage. And the detectives would have to spring for their own goggles.
On NUMB3RS the math geek can do the most elaborate math problems in half a day and not the six months it would really take a computer to solve. Recently he charted the path of every student in a high school and was able to determine which class they were to attend if they hadn’t been gunned down. Amazing! Then, when he briefs the FBI he has found the time to create a whole animated computer graphic presentation. And even all that I could let slide. But now they have hot FBI agent, Diane Farr seemingly attracted to uber nerd Peter McNichol. Come on math whizzes, the probability of that can not even be calculated.
The O.C. – everything about it.
PRISON BREAK – Michael hasn’t been violated by every prison mate and six of the guards. Not believable.
HOUSE – Has a patient ever been to that hospital without going into seizures? Has a patient ever been correctly diagnosed without having to take four expensive tests that proved to be unnecessary? Blue Cross must go into conniptions when they get a bill from that hospital. Malpractice lawyers should set up card tables in the lobby.
LOST – One of the friends or relatives of the survivors couldn’t Google Map that island? Mark Burnett hasn’t scouted it yet for SURVIVOR?
24 – the granddaddy of them all. See several previous posts. I’ll just add that Jack’s cellphone always gets great reception, and how bad are our country’s intelligence agencies when the bad guys all have armies and compounds and guards aplenty yet no one in Homeland Security has any inkling of these world domination plots? And how do the bad guys recruit all these guards and soldiers? Do they put ads in LA WEEKLY? “Help Wanted: Guards for plot to take over America. Must have experience in firearms and be discreet. Contact: Mr. X, 187 E. Secret Compound Dr., Simi Valley, Ca. 91537.”
And finally, the topper -- WEST WING depicts the President of the United States as an intelligent learned compassion man. Everyone knows that couldn’t be further from what really exists in real life.
Sunday night movie reviews
Two quick movie suggestions for your Easter evening:
INSIDE MAN: It really should be called DAWG DAY AFTERNOON. Some ice box logic problems but worth seeing for Denzel Washington and Clive Owens (who should be the new James Bond). After a half hour I got so into the movie that I stopped thinking “What would Jack Bauer do”? I guess that’s high praise these days for a hostage movie.
THANK YOU FOR SMOKING: A lot of fun if you don’t mind that the story is utterly absurd. No one plays sleazeballs better than Aaron Eckhart, especially when he’s been given some great lines to say. William Macy and Maria Bello are there too (the COOLER all-stars) as well as the always-fun-to-watch Robert Duvall. But the actor who steals the movie is Rob Lowe. His depiction of a Hollywood agent is so funny you think it's a spoof. But it's NOT. That’s the way they ARE.
Next post: suspension of belief in television.
INSIDE MAN: It really should be called DAWG DAY AFTERNOON. Some ice box logic problems but worth seeing for Denzel Washington and Clive Owens (who should be the new James Bond). After a half hour I got so into the movie that I stopped thinking “What would Jack Bauer do”? I guess that’s high praise these days for a hostage movie.
THANK YOU FOR SMOKING: A lot of fun if you don’t mind that the story is utterly absurd. No one plays sleazeballs better than Aaron Eckhart, especially when he’s been given some great lines to say. William Macy and Maria Bello are there too (the COOLER all-stars) as well as the always-fun-to-watch Robert Duvall. But the actor who steals the movie is Rob Lowe. His depiction of a Hollywood agent is so funny you think it's a spoof. But it's NOT. That’s the way they ARE.
Next post: suspension of belief in television.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Worst songs of all-time
My post for the weekend is an audience participation project. This is a compiled list of some of the worst songs of all time. Cringe then suggest what else needs to be on this list. Thanks and Happy Easter.
**********
Honey....Bobby Goldsboro
Good Morning Starshine....Oliver
The Night Chicago Died....Paper Lace
Billy Don't be a Hero....Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
One Tin Soldier....Coven
My Boy Lollipop.....Little Millie Small
Surfin Bird....Trashmen
Mule Skinner Blues....Fendermen
He Hit me and it Felt like a Kiss....Crystals
Transfusion....Nervous Norvis
Ballad of the Green Beret....Sgt. Barry Sandler
Laurie...Dickie Lee
Deck of Cards....Wink Martindale
Hooray for Hazel....Bobby Roe
Yummy Yummy Yummy....1919 Fruit Gum Co.
My Dad...Paul Peterson
Timothy....Buoys
Unicorn Song...Irish Rovers
Watching Scotty Grow...Bobby Goldsboro
I've Never Been to Me...Charlene
Paper Tiger...Sue Thompson
Wildfire...Michael Murphy
Indiana Wants Me...R.Dean Taylor
Letter From Elena...Tom Clay
Little Black Egg....Nightcrawlers
Disco Duck...Rick Dees
Baby I'm a want you....Bread
Past, Present, Future…the Shangri Las
Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald....Gordon Lightfoot
Girls girls girls are made to Love...Eddie Hodges
Seasons in the Sun...Terry Jacks
Love Jones....Brighter Shade of Darkness
Heartbeat is a Love beat -- Delfranco Family
The Streaker...Ray Stevens
She Can't Find Her Keys...Paul Peterson
Ringo...Lorne Green
I Sold My Heart to the Junkman....Bluebells
Gallant Men....Senator Everett Dirkson
Which Way you Goin Billy....Poppy Family
Torn Between Two Lovers....Mary McGregor
Happiest Girl in the USA ...Donna Fargo
Ben...Michael Jackson
Open Letter to my Teenage Son...Victor Lundberg
The Men in my Little Girl's Life....Mike Douglas
Tin Man...America
Johnny Loves Me...Shelley Fabares
I Put a Spell on You...Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Claire...Gilbert O'Sullivan
Walk like an Egyptian…the Bangles
Today is Cindy's Birthday....Johnny Crawford
Close to Cathy....Mike Clifford
MacArthur Park...Richard Harris
Locomotion...Grand Funk Railroad
The Americans...Byron McGregor
Haunted House...Gene Simmons
Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town....Kenny Rogers
Bottle of Wine....Fireballs
Wait For Me...the Playmates
How am I supposed to live without you…Michael Bolton
Sad Movies make me cry…Sue Thompson
Martian Hop....Randells
Skinny Legs and All....Joe Tex
Hello Hello....Claudine Longet
Tutti Fruitti....Pat Boone
Mrs. Robinson....Frank Sinatra
We are the World…USA for Africa
Do the Clam....Elvis Presley
Hello…Lionel Richie
I Remember You…Frank Eifield
Sometimes when we touch…Dan Hill
Uh oh (part II)….the Nutty Squirrels
Wam Bam (Shang-a-Ling)….the Silvers
Laugh at Me...Sonny & Cher
Little Green Apples....O.C. Smith
I Wish I were a Princess...Little Peggy March
You Really turn me on...Ian Whitcomb
I'm Henry the Eighth....Herman's Hermits
Muscrat Love...Capt. & Tanille
Sit on my face, Stevie Nicks...the Rotters
Jingle Bells...the Barking Dogs
Downtown...Mrs. Miller
Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady...Helen Reddy
Candy Man...Sammy Davis Jr.
Puppy Love...Donny Osmond
Touch me in the Morning...Diana Ross
Another Somebody done somebody wrong song...B.J. Thomas
Float On…the Floaters
Dominique…the Singing Nun
Lovin' You...Minnie Riperton
How does that grab ya, darling….Nancy Sinatra
Chick a Boom...Daddy Dew Drops
Mmmmm Bop...Hanson
You Light up my Life…Debby Boone
Neanderthal…Hot Legs
Call Collect...Art Linkletter
Karma Chameleon…Culture Club
Please Mr. Please...Olivia Newton John
Mickey...Toni Basil
Old Rivers...Walter Brennan
You Better Sit Down Kids...Cher
Indian Lake...Cowsills
Ding dong the witch is dead....Fifth Estate
Master Jack...Four Jacks and a Jill
Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep...Mac & Katie Kissoon
Wild Thing...Senator Bobby
Tall Paul...Annette
Feelings…Morris Albert
Dreams of the Everyday Housewife…Glen Campbell
Roses are Red…Bobby Vinton
Stayin’ In…Bobby Vee
Chevy Van…Sammy Johns
England Swings…Roger Miller
Patches…Dickie Lee
Popsickle…Jan & Dean
I am Woman…Helen Reddy
Playground in my mind…Clint Holmes
Wind Beneath my Wings…Bette Midler
Trying to stop the feeling…Barry Manilow
The Doggone Girl is Mine…Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney
Ain’t Gonna Bump with no Big Fat Woman…Joe Tex
Speedy Gonzales….Pat Boone
I'm Not a Juvinile Delinquent...Frankie Lyman & the Teenagers
Dead Skunk...Louden Wainwright III
**********
Honey....Bobby Goldsboro
Good Morning Starshine....Oliver
The Night Chicago Died....Paper Lace
Billy Don't be a Hero....Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
One Tin Soldier....Coven
My Boy Lollipop.....Little Millie Small
Surfin Bird....Trashmen
Mule Skinner Blues....Fendermen
He Hit me and it Felt like a Kiss....Crystals
Transfusion....Nervous Norvis
Ballad of the Green Beret....Sgt. Barry Sandler
Laurie...Dickie Lee
Deck of Cards....Wink Martindale
Hooray for Hazel....Bobby Roe
Yummy Yummy Yummy....1919 Fruit Gum Co.
My Dad...Paul Peterson
Timothy....Buoys
Unicorn Song...Irish Rovers
Watching Scotty Grow...Bobby Goldsboro
I've Never Been to Me...Charlene
Paper Tiger...Sue Thompson
Wildfire...Michael Murphy
Indiana Wants Me...R.Dean Taylor
Letter From Elena...Tom Clay
Little Black Egg....Nightcrawlers
Disco Duck...Rick Dees
Baby I'm a want you....Bread
Past, Present, Future…the Shangri Las
Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald....Gordon Lightfoot
Girls girls girls are made to Love...Eddie Hodges
Seasons in the Sun...Terry Jacks
Love Jones....Brighter Shade of Darkness
Heartbeat is a Love beat -- Delfranco Family
The Streaker...Ray Stevens
She Can't Find Her Keys...Paul Peterson
Ringo...Lorne Green
I Sold My Heart to the Junkman....Bluebells
Gallant Men....Senator Everett Dirkson
Which Way you Goin Billy....Poppy Family
Torn Between Two Lovers....Mary McGregor
Happiest Girl in the USA ...Donna Fargo
Ben...Michael Jackson
Open Letter to my Teenage Son...Victor Lundberg
The Men in my Little Girl's Life....Mike Douglas
Tin Man...America
Johnny Loves Me...Shelley Fabares
I Put a Spell on You...Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Claire...Gilbert O'Sullivan
Walk like an Egyptian…the Bangles
Today is Cindy's Birthday....Johnny Crawford
Close to Cathy....Mike Clifford
MacArthur Park...Richard Harris
Locomotion...Grand Funk Railroad
The Americans...Byron McGregor
Haunted House...Gene Simmons
Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town....Kenny Rogers
Bottle of Wine....Fireballs
Wait For Me...the Playmates
How am I supposed to live without you…Michael Bolton
Sad Movies make me cry…Sue Thompson
Martian Hop....Randells
Skinny Legs and All....Joe Tex
Hello Hello....Claudine Longet
Tutti Fruitti....Pat Boone
Mrs. Robinson....Frank Sinatra
We are the World…USA for Africa
Do the Clam....Elvis Presley
Hello…Lionel Richie
I Remember You…Frank Eifield
Sometimes when we touch…Dan Hill
Uh oh (part II)….the Nutty Squirrels
Wam Bam (Shang-a-Ling)….the Silvers
Laugh at Me...Sonny & Cher
Little Green Apples....O.C. Smith
I Wish I were a Princess...Little Peggy March
You Really turn me on...Ian Whitcomb
I'm Henry the Eighth....Herman's Hermits
Muscrat Love...Capt. & Tanille
Sit on my face, Stevie Nicks...the Rotters
Jingle Bells...the Barking Dogs
Downtown...Mrs. Miller
Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady...Helen Reddy
Candy Man...Sammy Davis Jr.
Puppy Love...Donny Osmond
Touch me in the Morning...Diana Ross
Another Somebody done somebody wrong song...B.J. Thomas
Float On…the Floaters
Dominique…the Singing Nun
Lovin' You...Minnie Riperton
How does that grab ya, darling….Nancy Sinatra
Chick a Boom...Daddy Dew Drops
Mmmmm Bop...Hanson
You Light up my Life…Debby Boone
Neanderthal…Hot Legs
Call Collect...Art Linkletter
Karma Chameleon…Culture Club
Please Mr. Please...Olivia Newton John
Mickey...Toni Basil
Old Rivers...Walter Brennan
You Better Sit Down Kids...Cher
Indian Lake...Cowsills
Ding dong the witch is dead....Fifth Estate
Master Jack...Four Jacks and a Jill
Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep...Mac & Katie Kissoon
Wild Thing...Senator Bobby
Tall Paul...Annette
Feelings…Morris Albert
Dreams of the Everyday Housewife…Glen Campbell
Roses are Red…Bobby Vinton
Stayin’ In…Bobby Vee
Chevy Van…Sammy Johns
England Swings…Roger Miller
Patches…Dickie Lee
Popsickle…Jan & Dean
I am Woman…Helen Reddy
Playground in my mind…Clint Holmes
Wind Beneath my Wings…Bette Midler
Trying to stop the feeling…Barry Manilow
The Doggone Girl is Mine…Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney
Ain’t Gonna Bump with no Big Fat Woman…Joe Tex
Speedy Gonzales….Pat Boone
I'm Not a Juvinile Delinquent...Frankie Lyman & the Teenagers
Dead Skunk...Louden Wainwright III
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The latest ODDS
Back by popular demand – another segment from the failed pilot David Isaacs and I wrote a few years ago called ODDS. The setting is an all-night diner off the Vegas strip, catering exclusively to locals and hotel employees.
Chris is the owner. He’s also the chef. Tara is the Britney Spears impersonator. Jeff is the bad comic who is always “on”. And Dave is the disgruntled blackjack dealer-minister.
***********
INT. DINER – NIGHT
DAVE IS MARRYING A YOUNG COUPLE IN THE B.G. CHRIS IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. JEFF SIPS COFFEE. TARA (IN REVEALING TRASHY COSTUME) ENTERS.
TARA
Congratulate me. I just completed my one-thousandth performance as “the legend” Britney Spears.
CHRIS
Congratulations, Tara. What would you like?
TARA
A gun. (THEN) Do you know how hard it is to impersonate someone you know you’re better than?
JEFF
I had the same problem with my act. I went through my Jay Leno period, my Jerry Seinfeld, my Judy Tenuta. In the end you’ve got to be yourself… But if I don’t make it in the next three years I’m getting a sledgehammer and a friggin’ watermelon and I’m “Gallagher II”.
TARA
Where did I go wrong? I was always the most talented, the “can’t miss girl”. Now I’m Britney Spears every night and I’ve totally compromised my career. (THEN, BRIGHTENING) Oh. Oh. I’ve found a townhouse out by Lake Las Vegas. View, patio. If I play Britney at conventions and bar mitzvahs I can make the down payment.
CHRIS
If you and the girl who plays Madonna put out an underground video you could own the whole complex.
THE WEDDING CONCLUDES AND DAVE JOINS THEM AT THE COUNTER.
DAVE
Well, I’ve just sent two more people to their doom. Thanks, Chris, I’ll have the chapel back tomorrow.
TARA
What happened?
DAVE
Aw, you know, the usual. Jealous ex-boyfriend drove his pickup through the stained glass window. I’m thinking of getting one of those terrorist barriers.
JEFF
How many of your couples do you think make it?
DAVE
It’s hard to tell. I do find that alcoholics seem to last. But it could be that I’m just a romantic.
TARA
You marry people all night. You deal blackjack all day. When do you sleep?
DAVE
Never. But I drive a Jag. Thank God for Vegas. Imagine being an insomniac in Salt Lake City?
JEFF
I don’t think there are any. That town would put anyone to sleep.
HE LAUGHS. NO ONE ELSE DOES. NO ONE ELSE EVER DOES.
DAVE
One of these days someone’s going to storm the stage and beat you to death with your microphone.
JEFF
(SMUG) That’s why I wear a wireless, my friend.
Chris is the owner. He’s also the chef. Tara is the Britney Spears impersonator. Jeff is the bad comic who is always “on”. And Dave is the disgruntled blackjack dealer-minister.
***********
INT. DINER – NIGHT
DAVE IS MARRYING A YOUNG COUPLE IN THE B.G. CHRIS IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. JEFF SIPS COFFEE. TARA (IN REVEALING TRASHY COSTUME) ENTERS.
TARA
Congratulate me. I just completed my one-thousandth performance as “the legend” Britney Spears.
CHRIS
Congratulations, Tara. What would you like?
TARA
A gun. (THEN) Do you know how hard it is to impersonate someone you know you’re better than?
JEFF
I had the same problem with my act. I went through my Jay Leno period, my Jerry Seinfeld, my Judy Tenuta. In the end you’ve got to be yourself… But if I don’t make it in the next three years I’m getting a sledgehammer and a friggin’ watermelon and I’m “Gallagher II”.
TARA
Where did I go wrong? I was always the most talented, the “can’t miss girl”. Now I’m Britney Spears every night and I’ve totally compromised my career. (THEN, BRIGHTENING) Oh. Oh. I’ve found a townhouse out by Lake Las Vegas. View, patio. If I play Britney at conventions and bar mitzvahs I can make the down payment.
CHRIS
If you and the girl who plays Madonna put out an underground video you could own the whole complex.
THE WEDDING CONCLUDES AND DAVE JOINS THEM AT THE COUNTER.
DAVE
Well, I’ve just sent two more people to their doom. Thanks, Chris, I’ll have the chapel back tomorrow.
TARA
What happened?
DAVE
Aw, you know, the usual. Jealous ex-boyfriend drove his pickup through the stained glass window. I’m thinking of getting one of those terrorist barriers.
JEFF
How many of your couples do you think make it?
DAVE
It’s hard to tell. I do find that alcoholics seem to last. But it could be that I’m just a romantic.
TARA
You marry people all night. You deal blackjack all day. When do you sleep?
DAVE
Never. But I drive a Jag. Thank God for Vegas. Imagine being an insomniac in Salt Lake City?
JEFF
I don’t think there are any. That town would put anyone to sleep.
HE LAUGHS. NO ONE ELSE DOES. NO ONE ELSE EVER DOES.
DAVE
One of these days someone’s going to storm the stage and beat you to death with your microphone.
JEFF
(SMUG) That’s why I wear a wireless, my friend.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Piles of money for pilot directors
Face it, the television industry has feature-envy. Forget for a moment that television is producing BETTER dramas and in general better product than features (PHAT GIRLZ notwithstanding), TV still has the mindset that they’re a second class citizen. The latest example is this mad frenzy to hire movie directors to helm TV pilots. Big article in Wednesday’s Hollywood Reporter on it. Spike Lee, F. Gary Gray, Jon Turtletaub, Andy Tenant, Simon West, Barry Sonnenfeld, and others are happily feeding off the television trough.
Not to take anything away from these directors and not to say that I wouldn’t be thrilled to be thrown off of any set by any one of them, but really, for the heavy money they’re making, are they THAT much better than experienced television directors? If someone is capable is of turning out great episodes of LOST and THE SOPRANOS and HOUSE, isn’t he as good as the guy who gave us PHENOMENON?
In the article several of these feature directors say they were attracted to the little screen (even the expression denotes inferiority) because of the “character driven” challenging nature of these pilots. Oh get real! It’s a big fat payday for six weeks work. They can squeeze these pilots in between film projects, and if the pilots go they can receive producer credit and royalties for never having to do another thing for the series including watching it. If I were a feature director I’d jump at that. I’d lie and say I WAS a feature director to get that deal. (“I did the remake of HOWARD THE DUCK. It’s not been released here but did win the prestigious audience award at the Antarctica film festival.”)
A studio exec rationalizes this hiring practice by saying: “There’s a lot of brilliant TV directors, but sometimes the mentality of, ‘Well, it’s good enough’, can creep in with TV guys.”
Hello?
First of all, don’t hire those guys. But the exec continues:
“The really strong feature directors don’t accept that. They approach the job saying, ‘No, I’m here to make this spectacular and blow people’s minds.’”
Hello again?
Feature directors are used to huge budgets. Feature directors are used to shooting maybe two pages a day. What happens when that brilliant perfectionist is told he has to slam through six to eight pages a day and can’t have that crane and instead of Hawaii he must shoot in Oxnard? And his star is a former American Idol contestant who has a high TVQ.
In truth, it is often the TV veteran who is used to such schedules and restrictions (and semi-actors) and knows how to weave the straw into gold.
What film directors bring to the party is their names and cachet. Television gets to play with the big boys. And that’s fine. The names are impressive. But television isn’t slumming it. And television isn’t drive-by art.
It’s time that the feature industry started turning to television people. Who knows? Maybe the movies would be better.
Not to take anything away from these directors and not to say that I wouldn’t be thrilled to be thrown off of any set by any one of them, but really, for the heavy money they’re making, are they THAT much better than experienced television directors? If someone is capable is of turning out great episodes of LOST and THE SOPRANOS and HOUSE, isn’t he as good as the guy who gave us PHENOMENON?
In the article several of these feature directors say they were attracted to the little screen (even the expression denotes inferiority) because of the “character driven” challenging nature of these pilots. Oh get real! It’s a big fat payday for six weeks work. They can squeeze these pilots in between film projects, and if the pilots go they can receive producer credit and royalties for never having to do another thing for the series including watching it. If I were a feature director I’d jump at that. I’d lie and say I WAS a feature director to get that deal. (“I did the remake of HOWARD THE DUCK. It’s not been released here but did win the prestigious audience award at the Antarctica film festival.”)
A studio exec rationalizes this hiring practice by saying: “There’s a lot of brilliant TV directors, but sometimes the mentality of, ‘Well, it’s good enough’, can creep in with TV guys.”
Hello?
First of all, don’t hire those guys. But the exec continues:
“The really strong feature directors don’t accept that. They approach the job saying, ‘No, I’m here to make this spectacular and blow people’s minds.’”
Hello again?
Feature directors are used to huge budgets. Feature directors are used to shooting maybe two pages a day. What happens when that brilliant perfectionist is told he has to slam through six to eight pages a day and can’t have that crane and instead of Hawaii he must shoot in Oxnard? And his star is a former American Idol contestant who has a high TVQ.
In truth, it is often the TV veteran who is used to such schedules and restrictions (and semi-actors) and knows how to weave the straw into gold.
What film directors bring to the party is their names and cachet. Television gets to play with the big boys. And that’s fine. The names are impressive. But television isn’t slumming it. And television isn’t drive-by art.
It’s time that the feature industry started turning to television people. Who knows? Maybe the movies would be better.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Tis the season to be constipated
It’s the Jewish Passover season again. As with most Jewish holidays the theme is “they tried to kill us, they failed, let’s eat”. For eight days we don’t eat leavened bread or we light candles each night, I can never remember which.
This year ABC celebrates by premiering a new version of the TEN COMMANDMENTS (which prompts the question: WHY????). Similar to the original DeMille overblown spectacular except they slip in as Commandment #8: Thou shalt watch us instead of AMERICAN IDOL.
On the first two nights family and friends gather together for sedars, which are dinners preceded by a service that can last anywhere from fifteen minutes to August. For over 25 years now on the second night my wife and I have held a “comedy sedar”. It may be the first religious service to receive a hard R rating. Imagine a bunch of comedy writers and wine.
Highlights include my partner welcoming in Elijah as if he were a guest on the Jerry Lewis telethon and my father re-telling the story of Passover which is usually the last sword & sandal movie he saw so sometimes its THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, a few years ago it was GLADIATOR, last year it was TROY.
We go around the room reading portions of the service and I try to work it so that if there's a non Jewish person they get the part with all the hard-to-pronounce rabbis.
Then there’s the tradition where the “Afikomen” (piece of matzo) is hidden and the person who finds it can negotiate with the leader of the service for its return. That’s why I’m paying some little girl’s tuition at Harvard-Westlake.
And jokes abound. Topics last year included: mold, Paris Hilton, FOX News, Mary Tyler Moore, Nazis, American Idol, Yul Brynner, Ann Baxter (worst acting performance in the history of cinema), colononscopies, Mad Dog wine, “Two buck Chuck”,CAA (we wish it was located in the middle of the Red Sea), contractors, biblical characters' ages and the feasibility of having children at 90 (and subsequent Tony Randall references), Scientology and Celebrity Scientology (two separate religions), Bush, (representing the first five plagues), Jerry’s Deli (representing the next), Trader Joe’s, sending out a search party for Joe Millionaire’s career, the Dodgers, artificial sweeteners, Cadillacs (the official car of the Promised Land), Robin Quivers, film school, Viagra, J-Date, TV pilots, Diana Ross, the plausibility of Jewish slave labor, Party rental people, Halvah, heart disease, restricted golf courses, Matt Lauer’s new hair, Larry David, what happens if you get sick on the Amazing Race, Christ, Easter, kugel, Jewish hookers, Florida, Marie Calendars, Harry Belafante, college applications, the WGA, and those rat bastards at Target. And that was just in the service.
Hope your sedars are half as fun, even if you are Jewish.
This year ABC celebrates by premiering a new version of the TEN COMMANDMENTS (which prompts the question: WHY????). Similar to the original DeMille overblown spectacular except they slip in as Commandment #8: Thou shalt watch us instead of AMERICAN IDOL.
On the first two nights family and friends gather together for sedars, which are dinners preceded by a service that can last anywhere from fifteen minutes to August. For over 25 years now on the second night my wife and I have held a “comedy sedar”. It may be the first religious service to receive a hard R rating. Imagine a bunch of comedy writers and wine.
Highlights include my partner welcoming in Elijah as if he were a guest on the Jerry Lewis telethon and my father re-telling the story of Passover which is usually the last sword & sandal movie he saw so sometimes its THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, a few years ago it was GLADIATOR, last year it was TROY.
We go around the room reading portions of the service and I try to work it so that if there's a non Jewish person they get the part with all the hard-to-pronounce rabbis.
Then there’s the tradition where the “Afikomen” (piece of matzo) is hidden and the person who finds it can negotiate with the leader of the service for its return. That’s why I’m paying some little girl’s tuition at Harvard-Westlake.
And jokes abound. Topics last year included: mold, Paris Hilton, FOX News, Mary Tyler Moore, Nazis, American Idol, Yul Brynner, Ann Baxter (worst acting performance in the history of cinema), colononscopies, Mad Dog wine, “Two buck Chuck”,CAA (we wish it was located in the middle of the Red Sea), contractors, biblical characters' ages and the feasibility of having children at 90 (and subsequent Tony Randall references), Scientology and Celebrity Scientology (two separate religions), Bush, (representing the first five plagues), Jerry’s Deli (representing the next), Trader Joe’s, sending out a search party for Joe Millionaire’s career, the Dodgers, artificial sweeteners, Cadillacs (the official car of the Promised Land), Robin Quivers, film school, Viagra, J-Date, TV pilots, Diana Ross, the plausibility of Jewish slave labor, Party rental people, Halvah, heart disease, restricted golf courses, Matt Lauer’s new hair, Larry David, what happens if you get sick on the Amazing Race, Christ, Easter, kugel, Jewish hookers, Florida, Marie Calendars, Harry Belafante, college applications, the WGA, and those rat bastards at Target. And that was just in the service.
Hope your sedars are half as fun, even if you are Jewish.
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