My comedy faves

Someone asked me to list my top ten favorite comedy screenplays. Fine, as long as I don’t have to do it in order and don’t have to limit myself to ten. These are my favorites, which means these are the movies I wish I had written.

ALL ABOUT EVE – Joseph Mankiewicz. Sharpest dialogue I’ve ever heard. The film is 56 years old and still crackles. Saw it again just this week on AMC. What a pleasure to watch, especially now during the dumbing down of America.

SOME LIKE IT HOT – Billy Wilder & IAL Diamond. Disproves its classic last lane. Somebody IS perfect.

HEARTBREAK KID – Neil Simon (although the hand of director Elaine May is clearly evident). Jewish men generally love this movie, Jewish women hate it. A young Charles Grodin gives the comic performance of his career. And Eddie Albert (yes, Eddie Albert) will make you laugh out loud.

THE LADY EVE – Preston Sturgess, story by Monckton Hoffe & Preston Sturgess. Screwball comedy at its funniest and most sophisticated. Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda – not who you naturally think of as a comedy team but they pull it off with ease.

HIS GIRL FRIDAY – Screenplay by Charles Lederer, based on the play by Ben Hecht & Charles MacArthur. Cary Grant & Rosalind Russell trade quips at a pace that makes WEST WING seem slow. And every word out of their mouths is a gem.

TOOTSIE – Larry Gelbart (although fifteen other writers also had a hand in it). If there seems to be a pattern in the comedies I like its men posing as women or “Eve” in the title.

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN – Woody Allen. This movie was a revelation, especially when you consider that at the time (late 60’s) most “comedies” were lame Doris Day type films.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN – Mel Brooks & Gene Wilder. “Putting on the Ritz” scene alone puts this in my top ten.

ANNIE HALL -- Woody Allen & Marshall Brickman. For my money the perfect romantic comedy. (How could the same guy write HOLLYWOOD ENDING?)

MOONSTRUCK – John Patrick Shanley. Okay, so there are two perfect romantic comedies.

CHASING AMY – Kevin Smith. Funny, real, pitch perfect, and you actually root for Ben Affleck. Now that’s good writing!

AMERICAN GRAFFITI – George Lucas and Gloria Katz & Willard Huyck. A consistently funny movie that doesn’t even try to be a comedy. And what a soundtrack!

DR. STRANGELOVE – Stanley Kubrick and Peter George and Terry Southern. The perfect black comedy. And there are no other perfect black comedies.

THE PRODUCERS – Mel Brooks. The movie not the movie of the musical based on the movie. That was dreadful.

LA CAGE AUX FOLLES – Jean Poiret, Francis Veber, Edouard Molinaro, Marcello Damon. Even the subtitles were funny.

SHOWGIRLS – Joe Eszterhas. So unspeakably terrible on every level that you can’t help but laugh throughout. (Okay, so that’s one I’m glad I didn’t write).

Tony review

I'm in New York and was unable to watch the Tonys. But my daughter, Annie did and files this report:

******
Tony Tony Tony

Half of this year’s best musicals were supposed to take place in Jersey. Clearly somebody
made an offer than the Tony Committee couldn’t refuse.

And I just have to say that I cannot believe they turned “The Wedding Singer” into a
musical. What’s next? Billy Madison? Water Boy? Or perhaps a musical version of
“Spanglish” featuring such hit songs as" “Please don’t fall asleep, it’s not even intermission”"
and “"Where are you going? The show’s not over.”"

The song “"Hell No”" was performed from “The Color Purple,” which is appropriate since
tha't’s probably what most people said upon hearing that they were turning Alice Walker’s'
book into a musical.

I do not get the huge Harry Connick Jr. appeal. He was probably the only straight person
there aside from Joe Pesci, and I still didn’t find him all that attractive.

Jesus, does Hal Prince really need another Tony? A couple more and he'’ll have a full
backgammon set. It’s like giving Oprah more money for producing a Broadway Show
Oh, wait—t, hey did that too.

I was so thrilled to watch Andrew Void Webber lose. He only got one nomination for that
awful musical and couldn’t even take that home. I love it!

And for those of you keeping score at home here you go:

• Number of unenthusiastic British winners who claimed to be “astonished”: 4
• Number of Female Make-Out Scenes: 2
• Number of Northwestern Alums:0
• Number of jaws that dropped when LaChanze won: 6, 000
• Number of jaws that dropped upon learning that Patricia Neal is still alive: 6, 000
• Number of People who could understand Rosie Perez: 0

And here are a couple awards of my own:
• Best Gay Actor portraying a straight role: Cynthia Nixon
• WORST Gay Actor portraying a straight role: Nathan Lane as Oscar Madiso
• Person I would LEAST want to run into in a dark alley: Michael Cerveris
• Coolest Name: Željko Ivanek
• Best Comeback from a washed-up 80’s star: Cyndi Lauper
o Runner up: Molly Ringwald
• Worst acceptance speech: John Lloyd Young

you can now afford therapy, use your
acceptance speech for something else.

Deal or no deal

Recently, in London, I caught an episode of DEAL OR NO DEAL. A staid, proper host conversed with the staid proper contestant and all was very civilized. Then I saw the US version. Holy shit!!! It’s like we slammed together a game show, live informercial, Vegas, and Victoria Secrets Lingerie special.

Contestants can win a million dollars just by choosing the right suitcase. It’s the perfect American game show. No knowledge of anything is required other than maybe being able to count to 26 and point. And the willingness to jump around the stage, scream, and act like Jerry Lewis in the ERRAND BOY. One contestant I saw last week said his dream was to become a professional mascot. The adoring studio audience went WILD.

Of course they go wild over EVERYTHING. They react with the same delirious cheering, stomping, and clapping at the news that we’ve killed Abu Musab Zarqawl as learning that “we’ll be back right after this break.” This must be the same studio audience that has a collective orgasm when the man explains how the pocket fisherman works.

Here’s the premise: A contestant selects one of 26 suitcases, each held by a drop dead gorgeous model. From there he opens other suitcases revealing dollar amounts from $.01 to $1,000,000, thus eliminating them. At certain intervals the “banker” calls and offers a cash amount to end the game. The contestant can accept it or keep going (deal or no deal) until ultimately he takes the cash or whatever’s in the suitcase he originally selected. That’s it. Keno with tits.

At the moment the show is a huge hit. I fear, however, that in time it will start to get old. So I have a suggestion for how to improve it. First off, make half of the gorgeous models men. Then put a million dollars in every suitcase. Each contestant picks a suitcase. He or she then has one decision to make. Take what’s in the suitcase or the model. Weeks will go by before producers have to pony up any money at all.

If there was a studio audience here they’d be going wild.

Tony night on Broadway

I’m winging to Gotham Sunday for a Monday table reading of the musical I co-wrote (with Janet Brenner), THE 60’s PROJECT. We go into rehearsal in another month so this will give us a jump on fixing whatever still doesn’t work. I’m afraid that whole Battle of Gettysburg scene might have to go. Wrong 60’s. But who knows? That Beach Boy song could just pull it all together.

Thankfully, I’m on JetBlue so hopefully I can watch either the WORLD CUP or the Hitler Channel (that’s what I call the History Channel since every time I tune in, there he is again plotting against Poland.)

The good news is it’s Tony Awards night, which of course, is ALWAYS the biggest night of the year in New York. The whole town goes nuts! The streets will be EMPTY on my drive in from the airport.

By the way, my predictions for this year’s Tony winners:

Best Musical: JERSEY BOYS.
Best play: HISTORY BOYS

It will be “boys night” at the Tonys…but then again, isn’t it always?

Do not try this at home!

Another re-post from when I had only family members reading my blog. Timely advice for aspiring writers and non-writers who want to see what stupid things aspiring writers have done.

**********

I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.

Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.

Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.

And just because people tell you you look like Debra Messing doesn’t mean you should write a WILL & GRACE entitled “Grace’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.

Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.

Don’t invent a format.

Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!

Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:

EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY

Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.

Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.

Similarly, avoid dream sequences. The GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW is not looking for the next Fellini.

Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.

Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Ray Barone is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.

I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on STACKED.

Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.

Don’t marry off any of the main characters.

Don’t kill off any of the main characters.

Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.

Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.

The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.

Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.

And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.

Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.

the Da Vinci Code

Saw the DA VINCI CODE. Now I can tell people I read the book.

No wonder it’s a big hit. Who needs action and suspense when you can have two hours of exposition? And at the end of the day it’s still confusing.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THE THREE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW THE STORY AND STILL CARE TO:

Audrey Tautou is supposedly the last direct heir to Jesus Christ (and don’t you wish if this theory were true the last direct heir would really be Kellie Pickler???). So what was the secret society intending to do if they found her? Kill her? Force her to mate with Billy Graham? Bow down to her? Get her to host the 700 Club?

Audrey, by the way, looked scrumptious. She couldn’t be on the run from the “evildoers” in a thong? If nothing else it would’ve given Paul Bettany a reason to whip himself.

When you can replace the hero (Tom Hanks) with an audio-tour headset you haven’t serviced the lead character very well.

Since this was a movie about questioning faith, it would have been nice if the protagonists found themselves in a situation where their faith was challenged. Even once.

Plus, how much suspense can there be when Indiana Jones has already found the Holy Grail? And it was a cooler one, too. Nazis melt. This one sits under a gift shop.

Is there a French law that you can’t film a movie in Paris without casting Jean Reno?

There’s absolutely no surprise that Ian MacKellen turns out to be the villain. If he were playing Gandhi I’d be saying, “Watch out! He’s got a gun under that robe!”

Towards the end of the movie my mind drifted back to Paul Bettany’s self-flagellation scene and I thought, “Now I know how he felt.”

But regardless of what critics have said (those Godless heathens!) the DA VINCI CODE is such a runaway smash that the producers are rushing a prequel into production. In that movie Tom Hanks will uncover evidence that Audrey Tautou is also the daughter of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, thus entitling her to 1/58th of his estate to be divided by all his children.

What are the odds?

Actually this is a re-post from about six months ago but since there are so many new readers to the blog, and it's the time of the year when specs go out I thought it was worth another reminder.

*****
Whenever I teach a writing class I always start by saying "there are (let's say) thirty in the class. Two of you will make it." If you hear that and go "Jesus, those are terrible odds. How am I gonna compete with that?" you're dead. However, if you say "Hmmm? Me and who else?" then read on. You've got a chance. And here's the good news: Those odds just went from 15-1 to 3-1.

You have to believe in yourself first if you ever expect anyone else to.

More good news: If you are good you will be recognized. It may take some time but it will happen. Remember, readers WANT to like your script. They're BEGGING to like your script. But the key is to stick with it. Don't rely on one spec. Often times I'll meet young writers who will say "I wrote a great FRIENDS four years ago and can't get an agent." L-O-S-E-R-S. It might take five specs, it might take ten. But all you need is one person somewhere who sparks to your material. And once you're in you're in.

In future posts I'll be giving tips on what I look for in a spec. In the meantime, start writing. You're already beating the odds.

My favorite pitch meeting

In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr. He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.

We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)

We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. He ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.

Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.

And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.

We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.

We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.

The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.

How to do a farce

I recently was asked how we constructed farces on CHEERS and FRASIER. I’m sure fifty different comedy writers would give you fifty different approaches but this is mine.

First off there must be jeopardy. Something the characters need very badly and are willing to go to the greatest lengths to achieve. The situation can be totally absurd to us but to the characters themselves they’re very real. In fact, the greater the jeopardy the crazier they can act.

Secondly, a farce is built on a lie. A character lies and then to keep from getting caught must lie again. The lies multiply, the character digs himself into a deeper hole. And generally, there are several characters forced to lie. Often the lies contradict each other.

Needless to say, this takes careful planning. The structure of a farce is critical. Things have to happen with exact precision. The pressure must never let up. Constant roadblocks must be introduced. Complications on top of more complications. The vice tightens…and tightens…and tightens.

Generally, farces take place in real time. There are no fade outs, no dissolves, no relief. And as the piece builds the pace quickens. If done right, a farce should be a snowball rolling down a hill, gaining momentum and size.

Neil Simon, who wrote the wonderful farce RUMORS, is quoted as saying “At the final curtain, the audience must be as spent as the actors, who by now are on oxygen support. If the audience is only wheezing with laughter, you need rewrites or actors with stronger lungs.”

They’re incredibly tough to pull off but unbelievably satisfying when you do.

For a great example of a farce, check out Billy Wilder’s ONE TWO THREE. And stock up on oxygen.

Glengary GlenHollywood

Fascinating (if not terrifying) article in Tuesday’s LA TIMES Calendar section about the lengths a writer must go to today to sell a movie pitch. By and large you must polish your pitch, have rehearsals in front of your agents, videotape your spiel and analyze it, and the article suggests that in some cases even enlist focus groups to get feedback. It’s now officially insane.

What the article didn’t say was that generally pitch sales (for all of that) pay less than spec sales, only top echelon writers are invited to pitch (unless they’re attached to top echelon talent), and for all the hoops you must go through, pitches are sold more because the studio has a need for that particular genre, or wants to be in business with you or a member of your team for some reason (heat, Laker floor seats), or the idea is so bulletproof that Stuttering Larry could sell it.

And after they buy it they STILL make you change it. “Can you make the Chinese Warlord a high school ballerina instead?” “Does the fall of Rome have to be a period piece?” “Yeah, I know the part is the Grand Wizard of the KKK but I hear Samuel L. Jackson is looking for a project.”

And by this time you’ve put so much time and effort into making the sale you’re sure not going to let it get away.

What this new trend means is that in addition to being a great writer you now have to be Elmer Gantry. Or even, INSTEAD of being a great writer you have to be Elmer Gantry. Forget those pesky writing courses, go to Zig Zigman seminars.

The trouble is, many screenplay writers I know ARE screenplay writers because they feel most comfortable locking themselves alone in a room for months at a time. They hope to impress all the girls in high school and college they were afraid to talk to by writing dazzling movies. Now they must pitch, and who do they pitch to? By and large those same girls. All that’s missing is the Chinese Water Torture.

The reason pitching has evolved (sunk?) to this level is simple: studios spend less money. They buy fewer pitches. Writers have to do more to make a sale. And the added benefit for the studios is that writers now must practically develop the whole movie, with jokes, comic set pieces, trailer moments, one sheet suggestions, maybe even have talent attached all up front, all FOR FREE. Don’t expect this policy to change anytime soon.

The bottom line is, for that amount of pro bono work, it’s almost easier and certainly more satisfying to just write the damn spec. Sell the movie doing what you do, not what Professor Harold Hill does.

p.s.

The point of this was not to depress you but report on the reality and encourage you to just write that spec. No notes, no interference. And if it sells you probably make more than had you sold it as a pitch. So in that regard it's a win/win. And you won't have to sign up for any Karl Rove personal consultations.

Diss 'n dat 6 (66)

Happy 6-6-6. I’m celebrating by getting my Dirt Devil fixed.

Bookies are now taking bets on boxoffice performance. So just as it’s illegal for a fighter to take a dive, any studio that hires Rob Schneider should be arrested for purposely tanking a movie’s chances.

I doubt if bookies are getting any action on next Sunday’s Tony Awards. Unless it’s the over-under on how many people even know the Tony Awards are next Sunday. Sight unseen, take the under.

The Tonys, by the way, is the only awards show where the winners never thank their wives.

My son, Matt now has his own blog, DIRTY WATAH. It’s his daily rant about the Boston Red Sox. I’ve added it to my links section. I’m starting to worry that my son is right on the dangerous cusp of “Fever Pitch” but his musings are insightful and funny and well worth a look.

For the third week in a row, movie audiences have flocked to pictures the critics panned. And in the case of MI:3, they stayed away from a critics’ darling. I’d like to think this means critics have less influence. I’m sure what Hollywood gleans from this trend is that it’s okay to keep making bad movies.

Kelsey Grammer as an X-MAN mutant? I haven’t seen the movie yet but what is his power? He can turn any gathering into a farcical dinner party?

Audrey Tautou now joins Irene Jacob in my “Pepe LePew category” (French women I lust after and have no shot with).

TV drama writers – welcome to the TV comedy writers nightmare. The evil reality show menace has invaded your territory, too. With shows like LAGUNA BEACH and now the new CBS entry, TUESDAY NIGHT BOOK CLUB” the “docu-soap” is born. Networks are saying that following the romantic struggles of real people instead of scripted ones might be the audience’s new preference. If so, there goes the next five Selia Ward series.

Apparently, on that BOOK CLUB show there’s an episode dealing with a “Key party”. That’s where suburban couples get together, drop their car keys in a bowl, the women reach in, select a key, and whoever it belongs to she sleeps with that night. (Remember ICE STORM?) Do these things really exist? I mean, REALLY? I’d be more excited if I had better looking couple friends.

A week doesn’t go by when someone doesn’t say they just discovered BECKER and what a great show it is. (I wrote, directed, and consulted on the show) Interestingly, that never happened when the show was on CBS…for FIVE years.

What am I going to do now that the SOPRANOS are done? I haven’t been following BIG LOVE. Has he married Za Za Gabor yet?

Fucking DEADWOOD fucking returns for another goddamn motherfucking season.

If Keith Richards had any brain damage from his fall, how would anyone know?

Katic Couric hopes to end the “pretentious era” in news. Meaning, she’ll be reporting on the Iraq war from the Macy’s Day Parade.

Seth MacFarlane from FAMILY GUY is the commencement speaker this year at Harvard. At first blush you might be thinking, how low has this self-proclaimed most prestigious institute for higher learning sunk? Didn’t they used to get presidents and Nobel prize winners to do that? Yes, but that was in the days when Harvard graduates sought to enter the world of finance, or politics, or law. Today they all want to be comedy writers so it makes perfect sense. Who needs a Harvard education today when you can sign up for Judy Carter’s Comedy Workshop?

Big week for Paris Hilton. She’s kicking off the 4th season of SIMPLE LIFE (this year trying to blend in in a Kibbutz), AND she has a new reggae single out (“Stars are Blind”…and apparently deaf too). I hear she’s such a good singer she’ll make you forget all about Jennifer Lopez.

Idea for a satanic buddy movie: ROUTE 666.

"Hello, this is Sally Field"

Big article in a recent LA TIMES saying that it’s now okay to sport gray hair because of Taylor Hicks winning the AMERICAN IDOL competition. Are we the most shallow country in the history of the world, or what? Do we really need to take our cues on how to live our lives based on celebrities? Following the Taylor Hicks logic, it’s now okay to be drunk like Paula and illiterate like Randy. Social graces are no longer required. We can now all be blunt and insensitive like Simon.

Which is well and good except if you do try to act like Simon in the real world you’ll get the crap beaten out of you eighteen times before lunch. If you drink like Paula you’ll be fired and hopefully lose your driver’s license (or at least your gig on LOST). And if you’re a moron like Randy you’ll wind up in the White House.

I just don’t understand the notion of making celebrities role models. Why would anybody give a shit what Barbra Streisand or Tom Cruise thinks about anything? Why is Martin Sheen’s opinion any more valid than the skeesix who fixes your snow blower? If you want to give to a worthy charity because Bono supports it, that’s fine. But to base any life decision on the advice of “self help author” Teri Hatcher is INSANE.

With the June elections coming up I’m getting three calls an hour from my “close personal friends” Ed Begeley Jr. and Sally Field pimping some candidate. If I’m on the fence over who to vote for do I study up on the issues or take the word of the Flying Nun?

Here’s a novel concept: how about thinking for ourselves? Or at the very least realizing that celebrities are there to merely amuse us and when we do need to seek the council of others we turn instead to people who actually are qualified to help – namely bloggers.

More on Henry Blake's demise

Several readers wanted more details on the famous O.R. scene in MASH where Henry Blake’s death was revealed. When was it decided? When did the cast know? How much did the cast know? When did they film the scene? Why didn’t they kill off Trapper too because he left the show at the same time? Did everyone feel lucky that there was no ET yet to provide “exclusive coverage”?

MacLean Stevenson announced to the cast and producers that he was leaving several weeks prior to the end of production for that season (the 3rd). Wayne Rogers (Trapper) did not. His parting came after the show had wrapped so producers Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds had to deal with his departure at the beginning of the 4th season.

Larry and Gene decided to take the bold step of killing Henry Blake because of the message it sent – people you love die in wars, sometimes in wars that make little sense. They did not do it for the shock value. They were, in fact, somewhat surprised by the enormity of the reaction.

The episode was the last one filmed. The script the cast was given did not have the final scene. All they knew was “O.R. scene to come.” They often received scenes last minute so didn’t think this was anything odd.

They filmed the rest of the show, and got in wardrobe for the last scene. Moments before it was to be filmed, Gene and Larry came down to the set with the pages. The stunned cast had only minutes to digest the news before the camera rolled. The reactions you saw were real. Interestingly, the portion of the scene where Radar (Gary Burghoff) comes in and reads the telegram was not the first take. There was a technical glitch so Gary had to do it again. Imagine making an actor play that moment twice? It’s hard to believe anyone could do it any better.

If any viewer wrote to the show or network protesting the decision to kill Henry and left their name and address, either Larry or Gene wrote them back a personal explanation. Every one and there were many thousands.

And finally, to CBS’s credit, they supported the decision and did not exploit it. But that was way back in the day when the audience decided what was a “very special episode” and not network promo departments.

Your pre-Tony fix

Since a number of you mentioned that you enjoyed the travelogues, I’m up in Marin slaving away on a movie rewrite, the Tony awards are only a week away and I imagine you all are already gripped in Tony fever, here’s my New York/Syracuse report from several years ago to get you over the hump.

******

No, I didn't see THE PRODUCERS. Especially now when seats are reserved for Tony voting members it's impossible to get in. Scalpers want $500 a ticket. For that kind of money I can get a hooker and rent the movie.

No, I didn't eat at Peter Lugar's Steakhouse. Tried to make reservations three weeks ago and they laughed. Tony voters need to eat before the show I suppose. But I did bring home two bottles of Peter Lugar Steaksauce which you can't get here...other than in markets.

Debby joined me for the most of the trip and we had a fabulous time. I say "most of the trip" because I went to Syracuse for a night to see the new ballpark (I used to broadcast minor league baseball for them in 1988 when they played in a rickety old wooden bandbox) while my wife said she would rather drive her mother to doctor appointments in the rain and traffic all day instead. And she still maintains she had a better time but I disagree.

Syracuse has not changed save for the ballpark. Everyone looks like John Goodman and Rosie O'Donnell. And it's easy to see why. Drive down any street. There's a Denny's, Friendly's, Bob Evans Sausage, Ground Round, Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC all in a row. Exotic food is available but only in mall food courts. Syracuseniks are very proud this year. They broke the record. 200 feet of snow. It got so bad they were running out of provisions. They had to ration out the Sara Lee. But seriously, I wish the people in LA were as nice as those in Syracuse.

I was invited to join the Syracuse Sky Chief broadcast and did a couple of innings of play by play. It's just not the same. Rent-a-Wreck is no longer their major sponsor. You may think it's harder to call a minor league game if you don't know the players. This tilt featured Izzie Molina, Ryan Balfe, Ryan Freel, Felipe Lopez, and Amaury Garcia. But it's actually easier because the audience doesn't know any of these clowns either. So I just made shit up. Statistics, back stories (“Ryan was originally a Siamese Twin”). Who's gonna check? I bet listeners were wondering why the new guy sounded so much more informed than the regular announcers.

Stayed at the Parker Meridien hotel in Manhattan. Faux chic. Small room but view of the park. Whenever David Letterman has exotic animals on his show they stay at the Parker Meridien. Hence the raw meat in the honor bar.

My favorite store was no longer in operation. The guy with the card table on Broadway selling "Cool As Shit Jewelry" was gone. Hopefully just on vacation in Aruba.

A big thank you to my agency for getting us theatre tickets. INVENTION OF LOVE by Tom Stoppard. The person sitting next to me bought hers from "Half Price Tickets" an hour before for less than what we paid. Then FOLLIES where all we could get was fourth row, corner, mezzanine...which is actually good because if you're asked to believe that Blythe Danner is playing 50 you better be in the mezzanine...or on the roof. I hated the Stoppard play, Debby liked it. If I just sent Stoppard a notarized letter that said I acknowledged he was smart would he go back to writing accessable plays? This was the story of poet A.E. Houseman (already a popular folkhero) that was so filled with scholarly mumble-jumble that it even contained bantering and jokes in Latin. I really love paying top Broadway dollar to be told I'm dumb. Don't invest in the road company of this cause you're gonna see tumbleweeds in the theatre should it open in Syracuse. And FOLLIES was fine if this were the La Mirada dinner theatre version. Blythe Danner as 50? Blthe Danner singing? Greg Harrison singing and dancing (with a cane yet a la Astaire)? Treat Williams walking and saying lines? The best thing in it was Marge Champion. Yes, she's 127 but she can still dance and I wouldn't be surprised if CBS doesn't build a sitcom around her.

Footnote: check the PLAYBILL of any Broadway show. Every cast member gets a bio that includes his or her credits. Under TV appearances you will find for every single one of them: LAW & ORDER.

Did my Dodger shows from Shea Stadium over the weekend. One of the highlights of the trip was taking the team bus out to the park and having Vin Scully regale me with tales of baseball and Broadway in the 50's. More poetic than Stoppard.

The front page of the NY POST on Sunday had the screaming headline WHO'S GETTING WHACKED? and featured pictures of SOPRANOS cast members with bullet holes in their heads. Nice.

One of the reasons for this trip was to peddle my play, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL. I'm trying to get a NY agent or producer interested. It's hard because I'm represented for all other literary arenas and because I'm not 22 and living in Sojo. As opposed to LA where the literary agencies are giant powerhouses, in NY they're all botiques. The Neisha Cohen Agency, the Libby Goldberg Agency, etc. It's like every Jewish girl I ever went out with now has an agency. Met with a few of them, even have a couple of nibbles. Their offices were all right out of Broadway Danny Rose...which was great.

Along the way I also encountered some snobbism and pretension the likes of which I had never seen. One agent advised me not to stage the play in Los Angeles because if it gets good reviews the NY scene will automatically think it's shit. By the way, coming to Broadway next month: THOUSAND CLOWNS starring Tom Selleck in the Jason Robards role. I kid you not. Yeah, the NY theatre scene has reason to believe they're so far superior to everyone else.
Another highlight: lunch with NY radio great Dan Ingram. Throw in six Tony Award winners and seven Obie winners and I'll take Dan Ingram.

Only celebrity sighting: CSI's Jorga Fox at the Parker Meridien coffee shop. (I thought I might've seen the cougar from DR. DOOLITTLE but not sure). Jorga looks better in person than on TV. I almost went up to her and said, "excuse me, you were in MEMENTO. Explain the last ten minutes, would you?"

All in all a great trip. Bought a Hirschfeld lithograph of William Powell and Myra Loy from THE THIN MAN. Dinner at the Russian Tea Room, lunch at the Carnegie Deli, and a Scandavanian place called Christers -- 17 entrees, every one of them herring. See you at the gym.

And I'm sure we'll see the PRODUCERS one day. Probably starring Greg Harrison and Treat Williams by then.

Our first assignment

Today marks the 31st anniversary (yikes!) of the first assignment my partner, David Isaacs and I ever did. It was an episode of the JEFFERSONS. (Who better than a couple of Jews, one from the San Fernando Valley?) The staff was very happy with our script. We got our first MASH assignment based on that draft. And yet we never did another JEFFERSONS. And almost never did another episode of any show. Here’s why.

The JEFFERSONS taped each show twice. First at 5:30 for one studio audience and then again at 8:00 for a second audience. The best performances of the two shows were melded together.

We showed up for the 5:30 taping and couldn’t be more excited. One of the executive producers, an older gentleman with a hearing aid, did the warm-up. Throughout the taping he was introducing everybody on the staff and crew to the audience. Everybody but us. By the end of the show he was asking the crowd to give a nice round of applause to the cable pullers. Still no acknowledgement of the writers. (Back then I was surprised.)

The show ended and we figured it must’ve just been an oversight. We saw him between shows. He said it had gone great, he was very pleased. We didn’t want to be schmucks and bring up the oversight so we just let it slide. But he knew we were there. Maybe he didn’t know we were at the first taping.

For the 8:00 show we had invited everyone we knew. Parents, relatives, close friends, agents. Again, this exec producer began introducing everyone and his brother but us. The craft services guy got a big intro. Finally, my agent raised her hand and asked, “Who wrote tonight’s show?” The exec producer hemmed and hawed.

I was sitting in the front row. And my date for the evening was a hot looking Carla Tortelli type from New York. When the exec producer stalled she yelled out, loud enough for him and the entire audience to hear:

“THEY’RE SITTING RIGHT HERE, FUCKER!!!!”

I’d like to think the longevity of my career can be traced directly to never bringing her again to a taping.

It's now okay to kill actors

Hello from Tiburon, Ca where I’m on a writing assignment for a few days. Charm is everywhere but the internet is nowhere. For my money, that’s too great a price to pay for charm. Where’s a goddamn Starbucks when you need it?? Anyway, posts will still be coming…somehow. Chloe O’Brien would hate it up here.

******

There’s one trend in television that as a writer I’m all for in a big way. Killing off main characters. Among the casualties this season are Denny from GREY’S ANATOMY, Shannon and the DUI twins from LOST, Tony, Michelle, President Palmer and (sniff) Edgar from 24, and of course Kenny gets killed every week on SOUTH PARK. The cast of the SOPRANOS is quoted as saying they hold their breath every table reading.

What this means for an audience is that in dramas jeopardy suddenly becomes real. Used to be when Peggy Lipton got in trouble you knew she’d get out of it. The best you could hope for is that they made her take her clothes off first. But now, anyone other than Jack Bauer is fair game (and even that may change in the series finale).

When a main character dies fans of the show are now sad, usually for a day, maybe two if they don’t have lives themselves. We’re now so used to series regulars being whacked, people voted off islands, fired, or told they can no longer sing “On Broadway” on national television that the impact is lessened. The downside of this practice is you begin to protect yourself by not investing too much emotion in the characters going in for fear that they’ll be taken away. (although I don’t think that was a problem for Paris Bennett or Amarosa.)

None of the current deaths will ever have the wallop that MASH killing off Henry Blake did. The entire country was stunned, and in many cases, outraged. But it also made a point. This was a show about war and in war people die, even the people you care about. For my money that one episode (written by Jim Frizzell & Everett Greenbaum, produced by Larry Gelbart & Gene Reynolds) turned MASH into a classic. It was groundbreaking, shocking, and people forget -- very funny for the first 27 minutes.

Killing main characters does keep the viewing audience on edge. But even better, for writers, it keeps the ACTORS on edge. Finally, some leverage over idiotic ticky tack actor notes, diva tantrums, forgetting lines, keeping a whole company waiting twenty minutes while the co-star is on the phone to another co-star across town who’s keeping that company waiting. No more will staff writers ever hear: “I don’t think my character would say that.” Gone are the days when scenes must be rewritten because a certain star doesn’t think he’s “likable enough” in them. It’s a beautiful thing. And kinda fun to play God.

Now if we can just find a way to kill executives.

Levine on Bonds

Thanks so much to everyone who commented for the 200th post (and those who haven’t are still welcome to). I’m frankly blown away. Besides having a forum to rant (like my post today) it’s a terrific bonus knowing I’m encouraging people who love writing as much as I do. You’ve also raised some great topics that I will address in the weeks to come. On to the next 200!

*******

Barry Bonds hit his 715th home run on Sunday in “Corporate Sponsor’s Name Here” Park in San Francisco, passing Babe Ruth for second place on the all-time list. Hank Aaron with 755 lifetime “big flies” holds the record. How fitting that when Bonds socked his “historic” homer his mother wasn’t there, his wife and kids weren’t there, nor were the Giants’ team owner, the so-called “commissioner of baseball” (he was probably trying on new suits deciding which one would be the most comfortable to sleep in), or Willie Mays (although in fairness, Willie did send his statue). Curiously, the mike went out on the Giants’ radio broadcast just before Dave Fleming’s call thus denying fans the chance to even hear it. (Curse of the Bambino?? Hmmmm?)

Bonds wasn’t mobbed by teammates at home plate. Only a handful of national reporters were there. Most editors realized it wasn’t worth the $12 per diem per day to justify their presence. Better to do features on fly fishing. ESPN had cancelled Bonds reality show sending the camera crew instead to cover tractor races.

In short, this was a big NON EVENT. The 100th GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW of baseball.

All because Barry Bonds is exactly as he is perceived by the public – a (San Francisco) Giant schmuck. This is a guy who, during the last baseball strike, despite making millions, asked a judge if he could reduce child support payments. It’s also a pretty good bet he took steroids. There’s a reason his head is now the size of Underdog’s in the Macy’s Day Parade.

No wonder nobody gives a shit. No one wanted him to break the record (in the same way no one wants to see Dick Cheney win a Nobel Peace Prize or P. Diddy sell more records than Elvis.) My son was only sorry Bonds didn’t hit #715 this upcoming weekend because the Giants will be playing in New York. Can you imagine? He’d be mercilessly booed, spit on, and drenched with beer – and that would just be from the security guards assigned to protect him.

And for all that, I have to say, I think Barry Bonds is the greatest hitter the game has ever seen. Better than the Babe, better than the Yankee Clipper, Stan the Man, Teddy Ballgame, or even the Rabbi of Swat.

Still, I hate him. If I was forced to say one nice thing about his personality it’s that he was always a pantload, even before he became famous. The money and fame didn’t go to his head.

Hank Aaron was hated too. But the difference is Aaron was hated for all the wrong reasons. It was his courage and character as well as his skill that allowed him to set a record I hope will forever stand. Not because of what he did but because of who he is.

And for Barry Bonds, when he inevitably is inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, I hope the only star athlete willing to introduce him is OJ Simpson.

200th post

It's hard to believe I have 200 opinions about anything but I see that I've reached that number. I figure every hundred posts or so I should take a moment to thank everyone for logging on. You're all enablers but I appreciate it. And the number of readers continues to grow which also is very gratifying (as well as mystifying).

Like I did with my 100th post, I invite you to do the writing today. Let me know where you're from, how you came upon this site, what you'd like to see in the blog, give me shit for doing AfterMASH, whatever.

It’ll be a busy summer. I’ll be in New York and Connecticut working on a musical I co-wrote that goes into production at the Goodspeed Theatre. (THE 60’s PROJECT – get your tickets now. You’ll pay for the whole seat but will only use the edge.) Still, I will try to maintain a new entry a day. Hopefully by 300 I won’t be so bereft of ideas I’ll be posting the many rejection letters I’ve received over the years.

Thanks again. Now it’s your turn.

Ken

For the new kids on the block

For everyone but staff writers the Memorial Day weekend is the beginning of summer. For staff writers, particularly those on comedies (there are still a few, right?), it heralds the end of summer. Usually, writing staffs go back to work right after the holiday.

If you’re on a long running show you can’t believe it’s the end of May already. Seems like only a minute ago you wrapped in March and had two and a half whole months ahead of you. Trust me, you’ll blink and be right back into production in August.

Pre production is very much like Spring Training. For the veterans it’s a leisurely time. Flexing muscles, mostly schoozing, slowly getting back into the groove. But for the new members of the staff (the rookies) it can be a maddening time as you try to fit in. And also a little intimidating. You so want to make a good impression, so want to contribute. Here are a few tips from a grizzled veteran:

Just relax. The only pressure on you is that which you put upon yourself. You’re not expected to carry the show. And most producers would prefer if you just hung back a little at first and observed. You wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t think you had the chops. Start getting to know the rhythm of the room, the thought process, the way the staff attacks a story. I’m not saying if you have a great idea to not pitch it, but don’t feel obligated to knock everyone off their feet with your brilliance.

It’s a long season. You’ll have plenty of time to shine. For now, listen, learn, and laugh. There are worse ways of spending the summer.

Memorial Day recommendations

Memorial Day weekend recommendations:

Stay home.

On Monday 77 WABC in New York remembers its Top 40 heritage with a day long salute complete with the music, jingles, and tapes of classic old broadcasts from the 60’s & 70’s. Remember the days of Dan Ingram and Cousin Brucie (although I never got Cousin Brucie). I’d hyperlink it for you if I wasn’t such a spaz and didn’t know how to do it. But this is the website: http://www.wabcradio.com/

And while we’re on the subject of retro radio, WNEW-FM 102.7 in New York is remembering the great dance stations and jocks of the 80’s. Notable is the return of Howard Hoffman, noon-3 EDT. This guy is GOOD!!

A fun book: MANHATTAN PROJECT by Peter Lefcourt. Lefcourt is a former TV writer turned legitimate writer. This novel is a hilarious look at where reality shows might go. Considering television has gone so far past the absurdity of NETWORK, this plot about ABC televising an Osbourne type series about an Asian warlord is not as far fetched as you’d think, or as it should be.

MY FAIR BRADY – 9 pm EDT on VH-1. The long national wait is over – there’s another Brady Bunch movie. I don’t know what it’s about but who cares? It has to be deliciously appalling. Preferably viewed while stoned.

On Monday FX has a 70’s SHOW marathon. Judging from comments on my last post about the 70’s SHOW a lot of you couldn’t give a shit, but for those like me who found that show fun and quirky here’s a heads up.

THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW is out on DVD. After the HONEYMOONERS it’s my favorite sitcom of all-time.

Stay at home.

Put out your flag.