FINALLY!!! An election that is IMPORTANT and has real significance. The Mascot Hall of Fame is looking for its next inductee.
Yes, there is such a thing as the Mascot Hall of Fame. I don’t know where it is. Probably in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese somewhere. As the creator of the Capitol City Goofball on the SIMPSONS I’m frankly a little hurt he is not among those luminaries already enshrined. A write-in vote or sixty thousand from you would be welcomed. The website is www.mascothalloffame.com. And for that matter, Dancin’ Homer deserves some consideration…although, honestly, I think he’s still a year or two away. His ants-in-the-pants dance lacks, well…nuance and elegance.
The three ‘cots already in the Hall are the San Diego Chicken (the Babe Ruth of bulbous belly laughs), the Phillie Phanatic (the perfect blend of pratfalls and Noel Coward), and the Phoenix Gorilla (who thankfully gets more airtime on NBA telecasts than Dyan Cannon).
Among the candidates for this year’s elite class – the Mariner Moose. His claim to fame was breaking his ankle while crashing into the outfield wall while rollerblading behind an ATV during the 1995 ALCS. And now it’s his most requested routine.
Then there’s Clutch the Bear from the Houston Rockets. He is so beloved that fans have stopped spitting on him.
The Cleveland Indian’s Slider is also on the ballet. The ‘95 ALCS was apparently a tough one on mascots. In addition to the Mariner Moose’s crash-with-greatness, Slider fell from the right field wall and had to leave the game with a serious knee injury. The man KNOWS funny. People still talk about it in Cleveland. (Of course, what else is there to talk about in Cleveland?)
And don’t forget KC Wolf from the KC Chiefs. Nicknamed the “Grand Daddy” of NFL mascots (because he had a kid with one of the Dallas Cheerleaders). Imitates Elvis. His 85 inch hips help.
Still, with all due respect to these costumed Chaplins, I still say not one of them is in the same league as the Capitol City Goofball. He INVENTED belly sliding. He can perform seven DIFFERENT dances to “Love Shack”. Kids are entranced when he picks up a live ball and runs around the outfield while livid fielders and security guards chase him.
Vote what’s in your heart of course, but do consider the Capitol City Goofball. And please don’t confuse the Mascot Hall of Fame with American Idol. Many people did and that’s why Taylor Hicks won.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Hollywood Stars night
Yesterday was the big annual Hollywood Stars Night at Dodger Stadium. This is a tradition that dates back to the late 50’s when the Dodgers had just arrived from Brooklyn and were playing in the cavernous Coliseum that seated 100,000 people. Back then, for the price of admission (which was probably $3.00 for the best seat in the house), prior to the Dodger game you could see an exhibition contest that featured Cary Grant, Jack Lemon, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Jerry Lewis, Walter Matthau, Jackie Gleason (not much range in right field), Danny Kaye, Nat King Cole, and then there was the second tier that only starred in major television hits. (Oh, and Billy Barty)
I remember going one year and Dean Martin was announced as the hitter. A limo pulled onto the field and drove up to home plate. Dino got out, dug in at the plate, called time, and signaled the car. A scantily clad cocktail waitress emerged with a martini on a silver tray. She brought it up to the plate, Dean took a sip, thanked her, and took his swings. Forget the bases, the batter was loaded!
The event was the brainchild of then Dodger marketing wizard, Danny Goodman. Vin Scully told me that when Danny proposed this idea to club owner, Walter O. Malley, Walter said, “Yeah, but will you be able to get stars?” Danny replied, “Are you kidding? I’ll get you stars you’ve never heard of!”
Among this years Hollywood “Stars” – Mia Hamm, James Van Der Beek, Michael Clark Duncan, and Corbin Berson.
I remember going one year and Dean Martin was announced as the hitter. A limo pulled onto the field and drove up to home plate. Dino got out, dug in at the plate, called time, and signaled the car. A scantily clad cocktail waitress emerged with a martini on a silver tray. She brought it up to the plate, Dean took a sip, thanked her, and took his swings. Forget the bases, the batter was loaded!
The event was the brainchild of then Dodger marketing wizard, Danny Goodman. Vin Scully told me that when Danny proposed this idea to club owner, Walter O. Malley, Walter said, “Yeah, but will you be able to get stars?” Danny replied, “Are you kidding? I’ll get you stars you’ve never heard of!”
Among this years Hollywood “Stars” – Mia Hamm, James Van Der Beek, Michael Clark Duncan, and Corbin Berson.
Friday, June 23, 2006
My process
From reader Beth C: “If you have time or are so inclined, could you delve a bit into your process? How long does it take you to write a script? What IS your process? That sort of thing.
*********
I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 33 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's, that bastard.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our assistant, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money BEFORE you get divorced.
ADDED THOUGHT:
Maybe I should start my own match.com on this comment page. If you're looking for a partner leave your contact info, a little about yourself, what you're looking for and who knows? A few of you might hook up.
You must thank me if you ever win an Emmy however. And I mean before your spouses and certainly agents.
*********
I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 33 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's, that bastard.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our assistant, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money BEFORE you get divorced.
ADDED THOUGHT:
Maybe I should start my own match.com on this comment page. If you're looking for a partner leave your contact info, a little about yourself, what you're looking for and who knows? A few of you might hook up.
You must thank me if you ever win an Emmy however. And I mean before your spouses and certainly agents.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Hot links
I thought for today I’d recommend some of the other blogs and sites on my links list. I’d hyperlink them right in the text but that would require that I’m not a computer retard so you’ll have to click the links on the side. I recommend all of them and if I had the time would include a blurb about each but since I must spend an hour on the phone trying to straighten out a Verizon bill from 1998 I can only offer a sample. So these are a few of the sites I visit and think you’ll enjoy too.
SHOULD’VE ASKED ME -- Michael Markowitz is one the funniest comedy writers on the planet. His site is filled with hilarious observations, Ann Coulter hate, and the latest tech toys.
JANE ESPENSON – A former BUFFY writer who generously offers great advice to writers and reports daily on what she had for lunch.
DIRTY WATAH – My son’s Red Sox blog. Well written, very funny, and a wonderful substitute for therapy for him. If you despise the Yankees more than the Taliban this is the site for you.
A WRITER’S LIFE – Hour writer and mystery author Lee Goldberg offers sage advice to writers and somehow seems to know everything that is going on in the blogosphere. One stop cyber shopping.
POP BYTES -- The holy grail of pop culture. Blogmaster MK knows when Jennifer Aniston is going to use the can even before she does.
JOHN AUGUST – Screenwriter supreme – Tim Burton’s go-to guy. Read him everyday and learn more than NYU and USC writing students.
HOFFMANIA – Who says Democrats aren’t funny? And prolific. Howard Hoffman posts five times a day. Worth checking out…every couple of hours.
KUNG FU MONKEY – John Rogers is the grand poobah of screenwriting blogs. His site is eclectic, unpredictable, challenging at times, and always fun.
LLOYD THAXTON – Return to the 60’s with Lloyd Thaxton, a TV dance show host who was as much Ernie Kovacs as Dick Clark. He brings the same spirit and inventiveness to his reminiscences as he did to his show.
PEOPLE WE LOVE TO HATE – Hilarious often inspired captions to celebrity photos. It’s the bitchy best!
MR. POP HISTORY -- The ultimate research source for the 50’s - 80’s. Week by week. Perfect for reliving every single moment of your life. Pack a sandwich.
L.A. RADIO PEOPLE -- Don Barrett’s comprehensive look at Los Angeles radio, past and present. And you don’t have to be from LA to enjoy (although it helps). For radio geeks like me, this site is a daily must.
GREAT BIG RADIO – What the “Jack” format should be. A streaming variety of tasty music from the 60’s to today. “The Greatest hits and near misses of all-time.”
TABLOID WHORE – Very funny celebrity gossip that may even be accurate.
THE SEXY HUMORIST – Lives up to her title.
COMPLICATIONS ENSUE – Alex Epstein dispenses great advice to writers and offers many thought provoking discussions on the craft. This guy cares.
BOB SASSONE – The webmeister of TV SQUAD has his own blog. After informing the world of the new BAYWATCH DVD or who’s guesting on THE VIEW he still has time to offer his own thoughts, keen observations, and love letters to Amy Sedaris.
********
Happy surfing. And when you visit any of those sites, tell ‘em Kenny sent ya, will ya?
SHOULD’VE ASKED ME -- Michael Markowitz is one the funniest comedy writers on the planet. His site is filled with hilarious observations, Ann Coulter hate, and the latest tech toys.
JANE ESPENSON – A former BUFFY writer who generously offers great advice to writers and reports daily on what she had for lunch.
DIRTY WATAH – My son’s Red Sox blog. Well written, very funny, and a wonderful substitute for therapy for him. If you despise the Yankees more than the Taliban this is the site for you.
A WRITER’S LIFE – Hour writer and mystery author Lee Goldberg offers sage advice to writers and somehow seems to know everything that is going on in the blogosphere. One stop cyber shopping.
POP BYTES -- The holy grail of pop culture. Blogmaster MK knows when Jennifer Aniston is going to use the can even before she does.
JOHN AUGUST – Screenwriter supreme – Tim Burton’s go-to guy. Read him everyday and learn more than NYU and USC writing students.
HOFFMANIA – Who says Democrats aren’t funny? And prolific. Howard Hoffman posts five times a day. Worth checking out…every couple of hours.
KUNG FU MONKEY – John Rogers is the grand poobah of screenwriting blogs. His site is eclectic, unpredictable, challenging at times, and always fun.
LLOYD THAXTON – Return to the 60’s with Lloyd Thaxton, a TV dance show host who was as much Ernie Kovacs as Dick Clark. He brings the same spirit and inventiveness to his reminiscences as he did to his show.
PEOPLE WE LOVE TO HATE – Hilarious often inspired captions to celebrity photos. It’s the bitchy best!
MR. POP HISTORY -- The ultimate research source for the 50’s - 80’s. Week by week. Perfect for reliving every single moment of your life. Pack a sandwich.
L.A. RADIO PEOPLE -- Don Barrett’s comprehensive look at Los Angeles radio, past and present. And you don’t have to be from LA to enjoy (although it helps). For radio geeks like me, this site is a daily must.
GREAT BIG RADIO – What the “Jack” format should be. A streaming variety of tasty music from the 60’s to today. “The Greatest hits and near misses of all-time.”
TABLOID WHORE – Very funny celebrity gossip that may even be accurate.
THE SEXY HUMORIST – Lives up to her title.
COMPLICATIONS ENSUE – Alex Epstein dispenses great advice to writers and offers many thought provoking discussions on the craft. This guy cares.
BOB SASSONE – The webmeister of TV SQUAD has his own blog. After informing the world of the new BAYWATCH DVD or who’s guesting on THE VIEW he still has time to offer his own thoughts, keen observations, and love letters to Amy Sedaris.
********
Happy surfing. And when you visit any of those sites, tell ‘em Kenny sent ya, will ya?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Potter's P*O*V
Here’s the Potter scene from POV. But the reason this scene was so special was not the words but the superb performance by Harry Morgan.
******
INT. POST OP – NIGHT
Rich is LYING in bed writing a letter to his parents. He writes the date then “Dear Mom and Dad.” Potter steps INTO view and sits down next to Rich.
POTTER
Howdy, Texas. (re letter) Be sure to remind them to clean up your room. You’re going home soon…Now that you’ve got that pad, we can finally have a talk. Which part of the Lone Star you hail from?
Rich scribbles “San Antonio” then hands the pad to Potter.
POTTER
(handing the pad back) You don’t say. Took my medical training at Fort Sam Houston. Good ‘ole San Antone. A bowl of chili down there would keep you alive for days.
Nurse Baker walks up.
NURSE BAKER
Uh, Colonel you forgot to sign this chart.
POTTER
I didn’t forget. I’ll sign it on the way out. Now shoo!
Rich quickly scribbles “you okay?” on the pad and hands it to Potter, who reads it, then looks at Rich.
POTTER
I guess it shows, huh?
Rich SHAKES his head yes.
POTTER
It’s Mildred, my wife back home. Lovely gal. We’ve been married thirty-five years as of last Saturday. Every anniversary, no matter where I am, I manage to call her. Tell her how much I…well, you know. This year…This year I clean forgot. My thoughts are so filled with this damn war that I forgot her on our most important day. I just can’t forgive myself for missing it.
Rich scribbles “call her” on the pad, hands it to Potter, who reads.
POTTER
I’d like to, son. Even picked up the phone about twenty times. But there’s just no excuse my forgetting. I don’t know what to say to her.
Potter is a little misty-eyed. Hawkeye ENTERS and approaches Rich’s bed.
HAWKEYE
Evening, boys.
Potter gets up and moves by Hawkeye.
POTTER
Excuse me, Pierce.
HAWKEYE
(calling after him) Colonel?
Potter ignores him and EXITS. As Hawkeye walks away, Rich rattles the pad to get his attention. Hawkeye turns to him. Rich beckons him over.
HAWKEYE
What? What is it?
Rich scribbles “Forgot his anniversary,” and hands it to Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
Oh, so that’s what’s been getting under Dr. Jekyll’s hide.
Charles ENTERS holding a book.
CHARLES
All right, Pierce, admit it. You broke into my footlocker and read through my personal diary, didn’t you, Swine?
HAWKEYE
Charles, in all the times I’ve broken into your footlocker, I never looked at your diary.
CHARLES
Then who drew these faces in the margins?
HAWKEYE
It’s dry reading. You need illustrations.
******
INT. POST OP – NIGHT
Rich is LYING in bed writing a letter to his parents. He writes the date then “Dear Mom and Dad.” Potter steps INTO view and sits down next to Rich.
POTTER
Howdy, Texas. (re letter) Be sure to remind them to clean up your room. You’re going home soon…Now that you’ve got that pad, we can finally have a talk. Which part of the Lone Star you hail from?
Rich scribbles “San Antonio” then hands the pad to Potter.
POTTER
(handing the pad back) You don’t say. Took my medical training at Fort Sam Houston. Good ‘ole San Antone. A bowl of chili down there would keep you alive for days.
Nurse Baker walks up.
NURSE BAKER
Uh, Colonel you forgot to sign this chart.
POTTER
I didn’t forget. I’ll sign it on the way out. Now shoo!
Rich quickly scribbles “you okay?” on the pad and hands it to Potter, who reads it, then looks at Rich.
POTTER
I guess it shows, huh?
Rich SHAKES his head yes.
POTTER
It’s Mildred, my wife back home. Lovely gal. We’ve been married thirty-five years as of last Saturday. Every anniversary, no matter where I am, I manage to call her. Tell her how much I…well, you know. This year…This year I clean forgot. My thoughts are so filled with this damn war that I forgot her on our most important day. I just can’t forgive myself for missing it.
Rich scribbles “call her” on the pad, hands it to Potter, who reads.
POTTER
I’d like to, son. Even picked up the phone about twenty times. But there’s just no excuse my forgetting. I don’t know what to say to her.
Potter is a little misty-eyed. Hawkeye ENTERS and approaches Rich’s bed.
HAWKEYE
Evening, boys.
Potter gets up and moves by Hawkeye.
POTTER
Excuse me, Pierce.
HAWKEYE
(calling after him) Colonel?
Potter ignores him and EXITS. As Hawkeye walks away, Rich rattles the pad to get his attention. Hawkeye turns to him. Rich beckons him over.
HAWKEYE
What? What is it?
Rich scribbles “Forgot his anniversary,” and hands it to Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
Oh, so that’s what’s been getting under Dr. Jekyll’s hide.
Charles ENTERS holding a book.
CHARLES
All right, Pierce, admit it. You broke into my footlocker and read through my personal diary, didn’t you, Swine?
HAWKEYE
Charles, in all the times I’ve broken into your footlocker, I never looked at your diary.
CHARLES
Then who drew these faces in the margins?
HAWKEYE
It’s dry reading. You need illustrations.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
P*O*V first scene
Thanks much for your great response to POV. Here’s the first scene. It’s not your typical sitcom beginning. By the way, the first time we see a member of the MASH cast is on page 5. I can imagine the notes we'd get on this today.
*******
(NOTE: THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS SUBJECTIVE CAMERA, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF PRIVATE BOBBY RICH.)
FADE IN
UNDER TITLES WE SEE:
EXT. KOREAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
PRIVATE BOBBY RICH is on patrol with his platoon. There are several Soldiers spread out in front of him. They are all walking very cautiously, on the lookout for trouble. Rich LOOKS FROM SIDE TO SIDE as he walks. (END TITLES). Up ahead, a SERGEANT turns to the Men.
SERGEANT
Spread out. Spread out. Ferguson, Rich – don’t sit on top of each other.
PRIVATE FERGUSON turns to Rich.
FERGUSON
If we were all in a phone booth he’d still tell us to spread out.
RICH
(o.s.) Take a couple of giant steps, Fergy.
Ferguson moves further ahead of Rich. The patrol continues until the shrill SOUND of incoming mortars is HEARD.
SERGEANT
Incoming! Hit the dirt!
An EXPLOSION up ahead. The line starts to scatter, people hitting the ground. Before Rich can find cover there’s another EXPLOSION to his left. Suddenly the ground is yanked out from under him, and he’s LYING ON his side, dazed and wounded. Another EXPLOSION goes off up ahead. (Intermittent EXPLOSIONS continue throughout course of SCENE.) SCREAMING and CONFUSION is HEARD as other Soldiers scramble for better cover. Rich is lying helpless when another SOLDIER crawls up to him and looks him over.
SOLDIER
Rick, Rich, you okay?
The Soldier TURNS Rich OVER ON his back to face him. He looks at Rich’s wound which is in the vicinity of his throat.
SOLDIER
(grimacing at Rich’s wound) Oh, God! (calling out) Medic! Medic!
Rich tries to say something. All he can manage is a low wheezing. The Soldier squeezes Rich’s hand.
SOLDIER
Don’t talk, Rich. You’re hit there. (calling out) Medic! Dammit, Medic! Easy, Rich, easy.
An EXPLOSION goes off nearby. The Soldier covers Rich with his body. MEDIC NUMBER ONE runs up to them.
SOLDIER
Where you been?
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
What’ve we got?
SOLDIER
He took some stuff in his neck. He’s bleeding.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Soldier) Okay, take it easy. (calling out) Litter! (to Rich) You’re gonna be all right, fella. We’ll get you out.
Medic Number One opens Rich’s first-aid pack, removes the pressure bandage, and starts to apply it to Rich’s throat. Rich TURNS his head AWAY.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Don’t fight me. I’m here to help you.
Rich TURNS his head BACK and SEES Medic Number One apply the pressure bandage to his throat. LITTER BEARER arrives. The litter is placed alongside him on the ground.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Let’s get him on. I’ll hold his head…okay move.
Rich feels himself being lifted, and put on the litter.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Rich) Things’ll bounce a bit so hold on…Good luck, fella. (to Soldier and Litter Bearer) Go!
Rich is LIFTED and carried off. The litter BOUNCES ALONG. As the sights and sounds of the battle pass by, Rich BLACKS OUT.
******
I can also post the Potter scene later in the week if you don’t think I’m going to well once too often. Let me know.
*******
(NOTE: THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS SUBJECTIVE CAMERA, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF PRIVATE BOBBY RICH.)
FADE IN
UNDER TITLES WE SEE:
EXT. KOREAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
PRIVATE BOBBY RICH is on patrol with his platoon. There are several Soldiers spread out in front of him. They are all walking very cautiously, on the lookout for trouble. Rich LOOKS FROM SIDE TO SIDE as he walks. (END TITLES). Up ahead, a SERGEANT turns to the Men.
SERGEANT
Spread out. Spread out. Ferguson, Rich – don’t sit on top of each other.
PRIVATE FERGUSON turns to Rich.
FERGUSON
If we were all in a phone booth he’d still tell us to spread out.
RICH
(o.s.) Take a couple of giant steps, Fergy.
Ferguson moves further ahead of Rich. The patrol continues until the shrill SOUND of incoming mortars is HEARD.
SERGEANT
Incoming! Hit the dirt!
An EXPLOSION up ahead. The line starts to scatter, people hitting the ground. Before Rich can find cover there’s another EXPLOSION to his left. Suddenly the ground is yanked out from under him, and he’s LYING ON his side, dazed and wounded. Another EXPLOSION goes off up ahead. (Intermittent EXPLOSIONS continue throughout course of SCENE.) SCREAMING and CONFUSION is HEARD as other Soldiers scramble for better cover. Rich is lying helpless when another SOLDIER crawls up to him and looks him over.
SOLDIER
Rick, Rich, you okay?
The Soldier TURNS Rich OVER ON his back to face him. He looks at Rich’s wound which is in the vicinity of his throat.
SOLDIER
(grimacing at Rich’s wound) Oh, God! (calling out) Medic! Medic!
Rich tries to say something. All he can manage is a low wheezing. The Soldier squeezes Rich’s hand.
SOLDIER
Don’t talk, Rich. You’re hit there. (calling out) Medic! Dammit, Medic! Easy, Rich, easy.
An EXPLOSION goes off nearby. The Soldier covers Rich with his body. MEDIC NUMBER ONE runs up to them.
SOLDIER
Where you been?
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
What’ve we got?
SOLDIER
He took some stuff in his neck. He’s bleeding.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Soldier) Okay, take it easy. (calling out) Litter! (to Rich) You’re gonna be all right, fella. We’ll get you out.
Medic Number One opens Rich’s first-aid pack, removes the pressure bandage, and starts to apply it to Rich’s throat. Rich TURNS his head AWAY.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Don’t fight me. I’m here to help you.
Rich TURNS his head BACK and SEES Medic Number One apply the pressure bandage to his throat. LITTER BEARER arrives. The litter is placed alongside him on the ground.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Let’s get him on. I’ll hold his head…okay move.
Rich feels himself being lifted, and put on the litter.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Rich) Things’ll bounce a bit so hold on…Good luck, fella. (to Soldier and Litter Bearer) Go!
Rich is LIFTED and carried off. The litter BOUNCES ALONG. As the sights and sounds of the battle pass by, Rich BLACKS OUT.
******
I can also post the Potter scene later in the week if you don’t think I’m going to well once too often. Let me know.
Monday, June 19, 2006
M*A*S*H P*O*V
My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote 19 episodes of MASH. I’m often asked which is my favorite and the answer is easy. POINT OF VIEW. It was from the 7th season when we were the show’s head writers.
We wanted to simulate the experience of being in a MASH unit as seen through the eyes of a wounded soldier. The viewer would be the soldier. We would see him get hit, transported by chopper, rushed to OR, recuperating in Post Op, mingling with the doctors and nurses, etc. The actors would talk directly into the camera.
We pitched the idea to our producer, Burt Melcalfe, telling him it would either be the best show of the season or a colossal embarrassment. But we wanted to shake things up. Larry Gelbart had so brilliantly done that a few years before with “The Interview”. We wanted our opportunity to tell a story a different way. To Burt’s credit, he gave us the okay. And this was back in the day when the creative staff of a series decided the show’s stories and direction, not the studio or network. (Allow me a moment of wistful reflection)
First off, though, we needed a story. On the surface it was simple. A soldier is injured, treated and saved by those lovable medicos at the 4077th. But what’s his injury? Where’s the suspense? And more importantly, how does he connect with our central characters?
We heard of a 1947 movie that used this first-person device called LADY IN THE LAKE. It was a Raymond Chandler mystery with Robert Montgomery as detective Philip Marlowe. Or, more accurately, Robert Montgomery’s voice. So we screened the movie. Holy shit! What we found was that when someone talked to Marlowe it was fine, but when Marlowe spoke the other actors had nothing to do but stare uncomfortably into the camera and try to react (this was not Jayne Meadow’s best work). It was sooooo dicey. Not to mention static, boring, and…well, downright creepy.
It seemed to us the key to making this device work was not having the soldier talk. And that sparked our story. What if the patient is hit in the throat? He can’t speak. He must undergo a series of tricky operations (the suspense) until finally he is able to utter only two words –
“Thank…you”.
Now the story laid out pretty easily. We created a B story where Potter forgets his anniversary and the patient informs Hawkeye which leads to the resolution. That way the soldier is directly involved in the story. One of the show’s highlights for me was how masterful Harry Morgan played the scene in which he confided in the young soldier. Not a dry seat in the house!
We wanted to really utilize the visual, give the viewer a different perspective whenever possible. What did it look like actually being in the chopper, gazing down at the camp, being on a stretcher during the insanity of triage, being wheeled into OR? So much credit for the success of the episode goes to director, Charles Dubin. And remember, he had only three days to film this, not three weeks…or months. And this was 1978, before steady cams. I think D. W. Griffith used this camera to shoot BIRTH OF A NATION. It couldn’t have been heavier or more unwieldy.
The cast was marvelous, really rising to the occasion. It’s hard enough to relate to fellow actors, but to play highly emotional scenes looking directly into a camera has to be nearly impossible. Additionally, scenes all had to play out in one take. We couldn’t cut back and forth between characters and angles and takes. To this day I marvel at their skill.
Trivia note: We gave the patient the name Bobby Rich. Bobby is one of my dearest friends, currently hosting a morning radio show in Tucson.
When the show was completed we watched the finished product in a screening room. I was horrified. There was Radar’s giant head filling this huge screen, addressing all of us tiny ants in the theater. AAAAAAGH!!! As I sat in the dark, contemplating my next career, I wondered how I could reconcile the fact that I personally had destroyed MASH. How’s THAT going to look on my resume?
The show aired on a Monday night during November sweeps. I almost didn’t watch it. When it began I cringed. A few moments into it Radar appeared. And a strange thing happened. The show suddenly worked.
Seeing Radar’s head on a TV screen, the comparable size of most human beings (Only Barry Bonds has a head the size of Radar’s on the silver screen.) the audience was able to buy the conceit. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. By the act break I cancelled my 11 PM flight to Antarctica.
I look back at that show today with great pride. We were allowed to take risks. Encouraged to take risks. And even if the show had been the “GLEN OR GLENDA of television” that it appeared to be that dark day in the screening room, I would still be proud to be a part of it. To the cast and crew and everyone involved in POINT OF VIEW, all I can say is –
“Thank you”.
******
Tomorrow: the opening scene from POV.
We wanted to simulate the experience of being in a MASH unit as seen through the eyes of a wounded soldier. The viewer would be the soldier. We would see him get hit, transported by chopper, rushed to OR, recuperating in Post Op, mingling with the doctors and nurses, etc. The actors would talk directly into the camera.
We pitched the idea to our producer, Burt Melcalfe, telling him it would either be the best show of the season or a colossal embarrassment. But we wanted to shake things up. Larry Gelbart had so brilliantly done that a few years before with “The Interview”. We wanted our opportunity to tell a story a different way. To Burt’s credit, he gave us the okay. And this was back in the day when the creative staff of a series decided the show’s stories and direction, not the studio or network. (Allow me a moment of wistful reflection)
First off, though, we needed a story. On the surface it was simple. A soldier is injured, treated and saved by those lovable medicos at the 4077th. But what’s his injury? Where’s the suspense? And more importantly, how does he connect with our central characters?
We heard of a 1947 movie that used this first-person device called LADY IN THE LAKE. It was a Raymond Chandler mystery with Robert Montgomery as detective Philip Marlowe. Or, more accurately, Robert Montgomery’s voice. So we screened the movie. Holy shit! What we found was that when someone talked to Marlowe it was fine, but when Marlowe spoke the other actors had nothing to do but stare uncomfortably into the camera and try to react (this was not Jayne Meadow’s best work). It was sooooo dicey. Not to mention static, boring, and…well, downright creepy.
It seemed to us the key to making this device work was not having the soldier talk. And that sparked our story. What if the patient is hit in the throat? He can’t speak. He must undergo a series of tricky operations (the suspense) until finally he is able to utter only two words –
“Thank…you”.
Now the story laid out pretty easily. We created a B story where Potter forgets his anniversary and the patient informs Hawkeye which leads to the resolution. That way the soldier is directly involved in the story. One of the show’s highlights for me was how masterful Harry Morgan played the scene in which he confided in the young soldier. Not a dry seat in the house!
We wanted to really utilize the visual, give the viewer a different perspective whenever possible. What did it look like actually being in the chopper, gazing down at the camp, being on a stretcher during the insanity of triage, being wheeled into OR? So much credit for the success of the episode goes to director, Charles Dubin. And remember, he had only three days to film this, not three weeks…or months. And this was 1978, before steady cams. I think D. W. Griffith used this camera to shoot BIRTH OF A NATION. It couldn’t have been heavier or more unwieldy.
The cast was marvelous, really rising to the occasion. It’s hard enough to relate to fellow actors, but to play highly emotional scenes looking directly into a camera has to be nearly impossible. Additionally, scenes all had to play out in one take. We couldn’t cut back and forth between characters and angles and takes. To this day I marvel at their skill.
Trivia note: We gave the patient the name Bobby Rich. Bobby is one of my dearest friends, currently hosting a morning radio show in Tucson.
When the show was completed we watched the finished product in a screening room. I was horrified. There was Radar’s giant head filling this huge screen, addressing all of us tiny ants in the theater. AAAAAAGH!!! As I sat in the dark, contemplating my next career, I wondered how I could reconcile the fact that I personally had destroyed MASH. How’s THAT going to look on my resume?
The show aired on a Monday night during November sweeps. I almost didn’t watch it. When it began I cringed. A few moments into it Radar appeared. And a strange thing happened. The show suddenly worked.
Seeing Radar’s head on a TV screen, the comparable size of most human beings (Only Barry Bonds has a head the size of Radar’s on the silver screen.) the audience was able to buy the conceit. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. By the act break I cancelled my 11 PM flight to Antarctica.
I look back at that show today with great pride. We were allowed to take risks. Encouraged to take risks. And even if the show had been the “GLEN OR GLENDA of television” that it appeared to be that dark day in the screening room, I would still be proud to be a part of it. To the cast and crew and everyone involved in POINT OF VIEW, all I can say is –
“Thank you”.
******
Tomorrow: the opening scene from POV.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
My playbill
I was recently asked to submit my bio for the program for the musical I’m co-writing. The trouble is, if I list that I am primarily a TV writer it’s like putting a big target on my chest for New York theatre critics. So I thought I’d fudge, tailor it a tad for the Broadway theatre crowd. What do you think of this?
*******
Ken is the adopted son of Stephen Sondheim. His godfather was Bob Fosse who he met while walking Gwen Verdon’s dog. He spent his formative years building the sets for LES MISERABLES. A Peace Corps stint followed where for two years he introduced the Broadway musical to poverty stricken villages throughout Cambodia.
Ken returned to New York where he walked Carol Channing’s husband. He became somewhat of a play doctor, coming in uncredited to save A CHORUS LINE, PROOF, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE (originally titled: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH SHLOMO). WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?, AVENUE Q., AIN’T MISBEHAVIN’ (additional dialogue), GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS (talking Mamet out of the dance numbers), and THE ODD COUPLE (originally titled: TWO AND A HALF MEN).
An experimental work of his own played two nights in Boston and two nights in St. Louis. It was called the 2004 WORLD SERIES.
He has never seen a television show, watched a movie, or read any book not written by John Simon or Frank Rich.
*******
Ken is the adopted son of Stephen Sondheim. His godfather was Bob Fosse who he met while walking Gwen Verdon’s dog. He spent his formative years building the sets for LES MISERABLES. A Peace Corps stint followed where for two years he introduced the Broadway musical to poverty stricken villages throughout Cambodia.
Ken returned to New York where he walked Carol Channing’s husband. He became somewhat of a play doctor, coming in uncredited to save A CHORUS LINE, PROOF, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE (originally titled: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH SHLOMO). WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?, AVENUE Q., AIN’T MISBEHAVIN’ (additional dialogue), GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS (talking Mamet out of the dance numbers), and THE ODD COUPLE (originally titled: TWO AND A HALF MEN).
An experimental work of his own played two nights in Boston and two nights in St. Louis. It was called the 2004 WORLD SERIES.
He has never seen a television show, watched a movie, or read any book not written by John Simon or Frank Rich.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Happy Father's Day!!
Especially to my own father, Cliff, who is both my hero and role model.
Note to those wives and kids planning to celebrate: no brunches. That’s Mother’s Day stuff. Let the old man sit in front of the TV and watch the World Cup or Arena football amateur draft in peace.
Or watch FIELD OF DREAMS.
And now, as a public service, here are some movies NOT to watch on Father’s Day:
FEAR STRIKES OUT
CHINATOWN
SHINE
WALK THE LINE
OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
STAR WARS
Some TV shows and telefilms NOT to watch:
THE MARVIN GAYE STORY
THE BEACH BOYS STORY
Any CBS family comedy
Some unfriendly father plays:
ALL MY SONS
DEATH OF A SALESMAN (any Arthur Miller, actually)
LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT
Some books to avoid:
Any Bing Crosby biography
Any Frank Sinatra biography
LOVE STORY (for so many reasons)
Records to skip:
PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE by the Temptations
BOY NAMED SUE by Johnny Cash
MY DAD by Paul Peterson
Any other suggestions are welcome.
Again, happy Father’s Day – the most sacred of the bullshit Hallmark holidays.
Note to those wives and kids planning to celebrate: no brunches. That’s Mother’s Day stuff. Let the old man sit in front of the TV and watch the World Cup or Arena football amateur draft in peace.
Or watch FIELD OF DREAMS.
And now, as a public service, here are some movies NOT to watch on Father’s Day:
FEAR STRIKES OUT
CHINATOWN
SHINE
WALK THE LINE
OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
STAR WARS
Some TV shows and telefilms NOT to watch:
THE MARVIN GAYE STORY
THE BEACH BOYS STORY
Any CBS family comedy
Some unfriendly father plays:
ALL MY SONS
DEATH OF A SALESMAN (any Arthur Miller, actually)
LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT
Some books to avoid:
Any Bing Crosby biography
Any Frank Sinatra biography
LOVE STORY (for so many reasons)
Records to skip:
PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE by the Temptations
BOY NAMED SUE by Johnny Cash
MY DAD by Paul Peterson
Any other suggestions are welcome.
Again, happy Father’s Day – the most sacred of the bullshit Hallmark holidays.
Friday, June 16, 2006
You have your spec, I have mine
I received a number of email requests from folks saying they missed Gina and other new people wondering who she was. Since it’s another fabulous low-traffic weekend I thought I’d reprise the post that introduced her. Subsequent chapters can be found in the February archives section if you’re interested.
******
The Sunday LA Times CALENDAR section ran a big article on the lack of great parts for women in features. It maintains that studios are reluctant to cast women in romantic comedy parts that shoulder the burden of comedy or make them appear unlikable. I can speak first hand that this is unfortunately true. A few years ago I thought it would be fun to write a balls-out R-rated comedy where the woman was the star. It’s always a man. Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Robin Williams, Rob Schneider( God help me). Why can’t a beautiful actress like Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, even Julia Roberts be the comic star? So I wrote the movie, I DREAM OF GINA, about an agoraphobic (Jimmy Fallon type) with a million neuroses who worships this goddess from afar, only to meet her and discover she is the wildest, raunchiest, most out-there girl on the planet. She winds up dragging him to Paris where adventures and hilarity ensues.
The screenplay was very well received. Several major producers wanted to be attached. I hooked up with one, developed it further with him, and when it was submitted to the studios they all passed saying, “we can’t cast it” and “she’s not likeable.”
With Lucy and Carole Lombard as my witnesses, I swear there’s no reason why women shouldn’t be given the chance to prove they’re just as funny or funnier than men.
******
Below is a sample of I DREAM OF GINA if you’re curious. Gina has just coaxed Hank (who has a fear of heights) to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
*****
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - DAY
The elevator rises to the top platform.
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - MOMENTS LATER
The elevator door opens and a throng of PEOPLE disembark, Gina first. Last off is a rather green Hank.
GINA
Atta boy. You were very brave. Mama's gonna give you a hummer. (then) So let's check out Paree. Would love to hock a loogie off this thing.
She crosses to the railing and spits through the fence.
GINA
(calling)
That's for the six cylinder Peugot!
Hank takes baby steps to join her. He peers over the side.
The entire city appears to be in miniature.
HANK
Oh God.
Hank gets a real blast of vertigo. He clutches the railing for support then begins sliding to the ground.
GINA
Y'know, I'm guessing you're one of those "therapy is for other people" kind of guys.
HANK
(covering)
It's okay. I'm fine. Just a little dehydrated. I could use some water.
GINA
You got it.
She quickly crosses to a French SECURITY GUARD.
GINA
Excuse me, is there a drinking fountain up here?
The guard gestures that he doesn't understand.
GINA
What? You don't speak English? (he looks at her blankly)
How could you not speak English? Who do you think comes to the top of the fucking Eiffel Tower?
HANK
(from the railing)
Uh...Gina. That's okay.
GINA
(to guard)
How many people from Hooterville do you think speak French? This man needs Perrier.
HANK
Not anymore. Really.
GINA
(to guard)
Here's two English words you better learn --(enunciating slowly) Ep-cot Cen-ter. (then) 'Cause that's where we'll all be, motherfucker.
Hank tries to get up but just can't.
HANK
Don't need the water. See? Look. I'm great.
The security guard calls for assistance.
GINA
What, you're going to call for help? Over this? God, that is so France. Well fine. I don't give a shit. Call your whole fucking army.
Two more SECURITY GUARDS join him.
GINA
You don't scare me. (taunting) ACHTUNG!
They begin shouting in French. She responds with a torrent of profanity.
HANK
Remember when I said my fantasy girl in Paris was Audrey Hepburn? Audrey Hepburn never said motherfucker!!
Gina is really into it now. A SMALL CROWD begins to gather. The shouting escalates. Finally:
SECURITY GUARD
That is it! We workers are now on strike! Stop the elevator!
HANK
WHAT?!
GINA
Hah! See I told you. You can speak English!
******
Sarah Silverman was born to play this role!!!
******
The Sunday LA Times CALENDAR section ran a big article on the lack of great parts for women in features. It maintains that studios are reluctant to cast women in romantic comedy parts that shoulder the burden of comedy or make them appear unlikable. I can speak first hand that this is unfortunately true. A few years ago I thought it would be fun to write a balls-out R-rated comedy where the woman was the star. It’s always a man. Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Robin Williams, Rob Schneider( God help me). Why can’t a beautiful actress like Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, even Julia Roberts be the comic star? So I wrote the movie, I DREAM OF GINA, about an agoraphobic (Jimmy Fallon type) with a million neuroses who worships this goddess from afar, only to meet her and discover she is the wildest, raunchiest, most out-there girl on the planet. She winds up dragging him to Paris where adventures and hilarity ensues.
The screenplay was very well received. Several major producers wanted to be attached. I hooked up with one, developed it further with him, and when it was submitted to the studios they all passed saying, “we can’t cast it” and “she’s not likeable.”
With Lucy and Carole Lombard as my witnesses, I swear there’s no reason why women shouldn’t be given the chance to prove they’re just as funny or funnier than men.
******
Below is a sample of I DREAM OF GINA if you’re curious. Gina has just coaxed Hank (who has a fear of heights) to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
*****
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - DAY
The elevator rises to the top platform.
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - MOMENTS LATER
The elevator door opens and a throng of PEOPLE disembark, Gina first. Last off is a rather green Hank.
GINA
Atta boy. You were very brave. Mama's gonna give you a hummer. (then) So let's check out Paree. Would love to hock a loogie off this thing.
She crosses to the railing and spits through the fence.
GINA
(calling)
That's for the six cylinder Peugot!
Hank takes baby steps to join her. He peers over the side.
The entire city appears to be in miniature.
HANK
Oh God.
Hank gets a real blast of vertigo. He clutches the railing for support then begins sliding to the ground.
GINA
Y'know, I'm guessing you're one of those "therapy is for other people" kind of guys.
HANK
(covering)
It's okay. I'm fine. Just a little dehydrated. I could use some water.
GINA
You got it.
She quickly crosses to a French SECURITY GUARD.
GINA
Excuse me, is there a drinking fountain up here?
The guard gestures that he doesn't understand.
GINA
What? You don't speak English? (he looks at her blankly)
How could you not speak English? Who do you think comes to the top of the fucking Eiffel Tower?
HANK
(from the railing)
Uh...Gina. That's okay.
GINA
(to guard)
How many people from Hooterville do you think speak French? This man needs Perrier.
HANK
Not anymore. Really.
GINA
(to guard)
Here's two English words you better learn --(enunciating slowly) Ep-cot Cen-ter. (then) 'Cause that's where we'll all be, motherfucker.
Hank tries to get up but just can't.
HANK
Don't need the water. See? Look. I'm great.
The security guard calls for assistance.
GINA
What, you're going to call for help? Over this? God, that is so France. Well fine. I don't give a shit. Call your whole fucking army.
Two more SECURITY GUARDS join him.
GINA
You don't scare me. (taunting) ACHTUNG!
They begin shouting in French. She responds with a torrent of profanity.
HANK
Remember when I said my fantasy girl in Paris was Audrey Hepburn? Audrey Hepburn never said motherfucker!!
Gina is really into it now. A SMALL CROWD begins to gather. The shouting escalates. Finally:
SECURITY GUARD
That is it! We workers are now on strike! Stop the elevator!
HANK
WHAT?!
GINA
Hah! See I told you. You can speak English!
******
Sarah Silverman was born to play this role!!!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
NEXT?!
Dealing with rejection is never easy. Especially when starting out. Barry Diller (the Dali Lama of sharks) has the philosophy that when a deal falls through or is rejected, his automatic response is: “Next?!”
Writers need a thick skin, belief in themselves, and five times a week therapy (prom rebuffs linger large). The good news is if you’ve written a spec, all you need is one person to say yes. (I know, you could say that about the prom, too. Get over it already!)
I’ve saved all my rejection letters and wouldn’t you know, a number of the writers who initially said I sucked eventually submitted scripts to me looking for a job years later. (No, I didn’t just send back their rejection letters and flip flop the names…but I wanted to.)
Keep striving to improve, maybe find some constructive use in the rejection (if it’s offered and useful), but never let your worth be decided by someone else. Supposedly, Richard Wagner once wrote back to a critic who panned one of his works by saying (and I’m paraphrasing), “I am currently sitting on the toilet. At the moment your critique is in front of me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
I’ve written spec screenplays that have sold and others that haven’t. I used to ask my agent if they gave any reason for passing. I would hear such explanations as: too broad, not broad enough; too edgy, too soft; too familiar, too out there. And all these regarding the same script. My favorite rejection of all-time was from an idiot studio executive who said this about one of my screenplays:
“The writing was so good it almost fooled me into liking this script.”
How do you react to that other than laugh and drop him a note congratulating him on the success of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY? I no longer ask for explanations. I no longer even wait to hear the reaction on one project before launching into another. I don’t consider any of my screenplays rejected, just “not having sold yet”. (And portions of them make nifty blog entries. Thanks again for all the nice comments on I DREAM OF GINA.)
NEXT?!
Writers need a thick skin, belief in themselves, and five times a week therapy (prom rebuffs linger large). The good news is if you’ve written a spec, all you need is one person to say yes. (I know, you could say that about the prom, too. Get over it already!)
I’ve saved all my rejection letters and wouldn’t you know, a number of the writers who initially said I sucked eventually submitted scripts to me looking for a job years later. (No, I didn’t just send back their rejection letters and flip flop the names…but I wanted to.)
Keep striving to improve, maybe find some constructive use in the rejection (if it’s offered and useful), but never let your worth be decided by someone else. Supposedly, Richard Wagner once wrote back to a critic who panned one of his works by saying (and I’m paraphrasing), “I am currently sitting on the toilet. At the moment your critique is in front of me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
I’ve written spec screenplays that have sold and others that haven’t. I used to ask my agent if they gave any reason for passing. I would hear such explanations as: too broad, not broad enough; too edgy, too soft; too familiar, too out there. And all these regarding the same script. My favorite rejection of all-time was from an idiot studio executive who said this about one of my screenplays:
“The writing was so good it almost fooled me into liking this script.”
How do you react to that other than laugh and drop him a note congratulating him on the success of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY? I no longer ask for explanations. I no longer even wait to hear the reaction on one project before launching into another. I don’t consider any of my screenplays rejected, just “not having sold yet”. (And portions of them make nifty blog entries. Thanks again for all the nice comments on I DREAM OF GINA.)
NEXT?!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Springtime in Gotham
Back from New York. I was there all of spring – Sunday through Wednesday.
Can’t say enough about JetBlue. You’ve got to love an airline that announces “we’re now turning off the cabin lights so the flight attendants will appear more attractive.”
Arrived at JFK and drove into the city. That was an adventure. Even the Mapquest instructions said: “Don’t do it! Are you nuts? Didn’t you see BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES? You’re still better off with the cab driver with the turban.”
My purpose for the visit was to attend a table reading of the new musical I co-wrote with Janet Brenner called THE 60’s PROJECT. It’s a sweeping look at the events of the decade featuring the hit music of the era and embarrassing fashions. We open at the Goodspeed Theater in Connecticut in August (good tickets still available). Happy (and relieved) to report the reading went very well. It’s a little long so I think we’re going to cut 1966.
Unlike a TV sitcom table reading, only one actor kept us all waiting 45 minutes.
Unfortunately, the biggest laugh came not from one of our jokes but during Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit.” A cast member said, “When the men on the cheeseboard get up and tell you when to go.” We left it in.
The Mets have one of the best records in baseball and yet all you see are Yankee caps. Meanwhile, the Amazins are finally getting a new stadium to be erected in the parking lot of current eyesore Shea Stadium. Construction has begun, but since that area is always dug up, fans don’t realize it and are still parking there.
When the time comes they won’t have to demolish Shea Stadium, someone will just have to slam a door hard.
Julia Roberts play is closing this weekend. She wasn’t nominated for a Tony. You’ll never see her on Broadway again.
The big new trend is turning Hollywood movies into Broadway musicals. Up next are MARY POPPINS (after its insulin inducing run in London), LEGALLY BLOND, ELF, and (this is not a joke) GLADIATOR. What will the big show stopping number be? “Gonna kill me an emperor”?
Jogged around the Central Park reservoir (okay, I walked). Picking up little snippets of conversation between the tony Upper East side spandex challenged collagen moms I learned that the most powerful person in New York is not the mayor, it’s the Dalton Lower School Admissions Director.
Tuesday night my collaborator, Ms. Brenner, and I went to see HISTORY BOYS, which just won the Tony for Best Play. We hopped in a cab at 90th & Park Ave. at 6:10 to begin the fifteen minute ride downtown. Cutting through the park we discovered that due to a stabbing all traffic was diverted uptown. The first chance to escape the park was at110th on the Westside (in the Columbia or HARLEM district depending on your nationality).
The streets were gridlocked. Spring in New York is not heralded by the first robin but the first construction crew patching up post winter pot holes. So there are construction crews and reduced lanes EVERYWHERE.
Ms. Brenner said “There’s a subway.” I said, “You want a sandwich NOW?” I had forgotten there was a secondary use of the term subway – an underground transportation system. So we scrambled out of the cab ($25 to take us in the wrong direction) and hopped the C train at 110th, not realizing that the stabbing had occurred on the C train at 110th. We were hardly surprised though. Looking around our car, we were trapped with the cast of PRISON BREAK.
Finally got to Times Square (which is now the entire Vegas strip jammed into one block) at 7:30, just in time to wade through the population of Lincoln, Nebraska and Toledo, Ohio who were gawking at the ESPN-Zone, and make our curtain.
Alan Bennett’s HISTORY BOYS was extraordinary! It had it all – funny, compelling, lyrical, pedophilia. Julia Roberts should have been in THAT. Celebrity sightings included Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg (at the theatre, not in the subway), recent Tony winner Cynthia Nixon (which reminds me, I saw a great name for a restaurant: MEX IN THE CITY), Blythe Danner, O.C.’s Peter Gallagher, and the one that blew me away – singer/national treasure, Barbara Cook.
I’m sure I’ll see them all again at the opening of GLADIATOR. And at intermission they’ll all be humming “Take it to the Maximus”.
Post theatre we blew into Edie’s Starlight Diner, a 50’s style eatery with (gulp) aspiring Broadway stars as servers. I knew we were in big trouble when this very flamboyant little ferret in a car hop uniform grabbed the mike and said in the swishiest Jewish accent imaginable: “We didn’t have many singing waiters in Anatevka.” He then proceeded to sing “If I Were a Rich Man” setting Judaism and gay rights back two centuries.
No one in Manhattan has a dog. They all have these miniature little puff balls. I’m sure the stabber would be scared off by any one of ‘em. (“Stop that yipping! Anything but that yipping!”)
All in all a very productive trip. And someday I hope to return to see the Broadway opening of the 60’s PROJECT. And maybe coaxing Barbara Cook to sing “the Shoop Shoop Song” at the party.
Can’t say enough about JetBlue. You’ve got to love an airline that announces “we’re now turning off the cabin lights so the flight attendants will appear more attractive.”
Arrived at JFK and drove into the city. That was an adventure. Even the Mapquest instructions said: “Don’t do it! Are you nuts? Didn’t you see BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES? You’re still better off with the cab driver with the turban.”
My purpose for the visit was to attend a table reading of the new musical I co-wrote with Janet Brenner called THE 60’s PROJECT. It’s a sweeping look at the events of the decade featuring the hit music of the era and embarrassing fashions. We open at the Goodspeed Theater in Connecticut in August (good tickets still available). Happy (and relieved) to report the reading went very well. It’s a little long so I think we’re going to cut 1966.
Unlike a TV sitcom table reading, only one actor kept us all waiting 45 minutes.
Unfortunately, the biggest laugh came not from one of our jokes but during Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit.” A cast member said, “When the men on the cheeseboard get up and tell you when to go.” We left it in.
The Mets have one of the best records in baseball and yet all you see are Yankee caps. Meanwhile, the Amazins are finally getting a new stadium to be erected in the parking lot of current eyesore Shea Stadium. Construction has begun, but since that area is always dug up, fans don’t realize it and are still parking there.
When the time comes they won’t have to demolish Shea Stadium, someone will just have to slam a door hard.
Julia Roberts play is closing this weekend. She wasn’t nominated for a Tony. You’ll never see her on Broadway again.
The big new trend is turning Hollywood movies into Broadway musicals. Up next are MARY POPPINS (after its insulin inducing run in London), LEGALLY BLOND, ELF, and (this is not a joke) GLADIATOR. What will the big show stopping number be? “Gonna kill me an emperor”?
Jogged around the Central Park reservoir (okay, I walked). Picking up little snippets of conversation between the tony Upper East side spandex challenged collagen moms I learned that the most powerful person in New York is not the mayor, it’s the Dalton Lower School Admissions Director.
Tuesday night my collaborator, Ms. Brenner, and I went to see HISTORY BOYS, which just won the Tony for Best Play. We hopped in a cab at 90th & Park Ave. at 6:10 to begin the fifteen minute ride downtown. Cutting through the park we discovered that due to a stabbing all traffic was diverted uptown. The first chance to escape the park was at110th on the Westside (in the Columbia or HARLEM district depending on your nationality).
The streets were gridlocked. Spring in New York is not heralded by the first robin but the first construction crew patching up post winter pot holes. So there are construction crews and reduced lanes EVERYWHERE.
Ms. Brenner said “There’s a subway.” I said, “You want a sandwich NOW?” I had forgotten there was a secondary use of the term subway – an underground transportation system. So we scrambled out of the cab ($25 to take us in the wrong direction) and hopped the C train at 110th, not realizing that the stabbing had occurred on the C train at 110th. We were hardly surprised though. Looking around our car, we were trapped with the cast of PRISON BREAK.
Finally got to Times Square (which is now the entire Vegas strip jammed into one block) at 7:30, just in time to wade through the population of Lincoln, Nebraska and Toledo, Ohio who were gawking at the ESPN-Zone, and make our curtain.
Alan Bennett’s HISTORY BOYS was extraordinary! It had it all – funny, compelling, lyrical, pedophilia. Julia Roberts should have been in THAT. Celebrity sightings included Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg (at the theatre, not in the subway), recent Tony winner Cynthia Nixon (which reminds me, I saw a great name for a restaurant: MEX IN THE CITY), Blythe Danner, O.C.’s Peter Gallagher, and the one that blew me away – singer/national treasure, Barbara Cook.
I’m sure I’ll see them all again at the opening of GLADIATOR. And at intermission they’ll all be humming “Take it to the Maximus”.
Post theatre we blew into Edie’s Starlight Diner, a 50’s style eatery with (gulp) aspiring Broadway stars as servers. I knew we were in big trouble when this very flamboyant little ferret in a car hop uniform grabbed the mike and said in the swishiest Jewish accent imaginable: “We didn’t have many singing waiters in Anatevka.” He then proceeded to sing “If I Were a Rich Man” setting Judaism and gay rights back two centuries.
No one in Manhattan has a dog. They all have these miniature little puff balls. I’m sure the stabber would be scared off by any one of ‘em. (“Stop that yipping! Anything but that yipping!”)
All in all a very productive trip. And someday I hope to return to see the Broadway opening of the 60’s PROJECT. And maybe coaxing Barbara Cook to sing “the Shoop Shoop Song” at the party.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
My comedy faves
Someone asked me to list my top ten favorite comedy screenplays. Fine, as long as I don’t have to do it in order and don’t have to limit myself to ten. These are my favorites, which means these are the movies I wish I had written.
ALL ABOUT EVE – Joseph Mankiewicz. Sharpest dialogue I’ve ever heard. The film is 56 years old and still crackles. Saw it again just this week on AMC. What a pleasure to watch, especially now during the dumbing down of America.
SOME LIKE IT HOT – Billy Wilder & IAL Diamond. Disproves its classic last lane. Somebody IS perfect.
HEARTBREAK KID – Neil Simon (although the hand of director Elaine May is clearly evident). Jewish men generally love this movie, Jewish women hate it. A young Charles Grodin gives the comic performance of his career. And Eddie Albert (yes, Eddie Albert) will make you laugh out loud.
THE LADY EVE – Preston Sturgess, story by Monckton Hoffe & Preston Sturgess. Screwball comedy at its funniest and most sophisticated. Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda – not who you naturally think of as a comedy team but they pull it off with ease.
HIS GIRL FRIDAY – Screenplay by Charles Lederer, based on the play by Ben Hecht & Charles MacArthur. Cary Grant & Rosalind Russell trade quips at a pace that makes WEST WING seem slow. And every word out of their mouths is a gem.
TOOTSIE – Larry Gelbart (although fifteen other writers also had a hand in it). If there seems to be a pattern in the comedies I like its men posing as women or “Eve” in the title.
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN – Woody Allen. This movie was a revelation, especially when you consider that at the time (late 60’s) most “comedies” were lame Doris Day type films.
YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN – Mel Brooks & Gene Wilder. “Putting on the Ritz” scene alone puts this in my top ten.
ANNIE HALL -- Woody Allen & Marshall Brickman. For my money the perfect romantic comedy. (How could the same guy write HOLLYWOOD ENDING?)
MOONSTRUCK – John Patrick Shanley. Okay, so there are two perfect romantic comedies.
CHASING AMY – Kevin Smith. Funny, real, pitch perfect, and you actually root for Ben Affleck. Now that’s good writing!
AMERICAN GRAFFITI – George Lucas and Gloria Katz & Willard Huyck. A consistently funny movie that doesn’t even try to be a comedy. And what a soundtrack!
DR. STRANGELOVE – Stanley Kubrick and Peter George and Terry Southern. The perfect black comedy. And there are no other perfect black comedies.
THE PRODUCERS – Mel Brooks. The movie not the movie of the musical based on the movie. That was dreadful.
LA CAGE AUX FOLLES – Jean Poiret, Francis Veber, Edouard Molinaro, Marcello Damon. Even the subtitles were funny.
SHOWGIRLS – Joe Eszterhas. So unspeakably terrible on every level that you can’t help but laugh throughout. (Okay, so that’s one I’m glad I didn’t write).
ALL ABOUT EVE – Joseph Mankiewicz. Sharpest dialogue I’ve ever heard. The film is 56 years old and still crackles. Saw it again just this week on AMC. What a pleasure to watch, especially now during the dumbing down of America.
SOME LIKE IT HOT – Billy Wilder & IAL Diamond. Disproves its classic last lane. Somebody IS perfect.
HEARTBREAK KID – Neil Simon (although the hand of director Elaine May is clearly evident). Jewish men generally love this movie, Jewish women hate it. A young Charles Grodin gives the comic performance of his career. And Eddie Albert (yes, Eddie Albert) will make you laugh out loud.
THE LADY EVE – Preston Sturgess, story by Monckton Hoffe & Preston Sturgess. Screwball comedy at its funniest and most sophisticated. Barbara Stanwyck and Henry Fonda – not who you naturally think of as a comedy team but they pull it off with ease.
HIS GIRL FRIDAY – Screenplay by Charles Lederer, based on the play by Ben Hecht & Charles MacArthur. Cary Grant & Rosalind Russell trade quips at a pace that makes WEST WING seem slow. And every word out of their mouths is a gem.
TOOTSIE – Larry Gelbart (although fifteen other writers also had a hand in it). If there seems to be a pattern in the comedies I like its men posing as women or “Eve” in the title.
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN – Woody Allen. This movie was a revelation, especially when you consider that at the time (late 60’s) most “comedies” were lame Doris Day type films.
YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN – Mel Brooks & Gene Wilder. “Putting on the Ritz” scene alone puts this in my top ten.
ANNIE HALL -- Woody Allen & Marshall Brickman. For my money the perfect romantic comedy. (How could the same guy write HOLLYWOOD ENDING?)
MOONSTRUCK – John Patrick Shanley. Okay, so there are two perfect romantic comedies.
CHASING AMY – Kevin Smith. Funny, real, pitch perfect, and you actually root for Ben Affleck. Now that’s good writing!
AMERICAN GRAFFITI – George Lucas and Gloria Katz & Willard Huyck. A consistently funny movie that doesn’t even try to be a comedy. And what a soundtrack!
DR. STRANGELOVE – Stanley Kubrick and Peter George and Terry Southern. The perfect black comedy. And there are no other perfect black comedies.
THE PRODUCERS – Mel Brooks. The movie not the movie of the musical based on the movie. That was dreadful.
LA CAGE AUX FOLLES – Jean Poiret, Francis Veber, Edouard Molinaro, Marcello Damon. Even the subtitles were funny.
SHOWGIRLS – Joe Eszterhas. So unspeakably terrible on every level that you can’t help but laugh throughout. (Okay, so that’s one I’m glad I didn’t write).
Monday, June 12, 2006
Tony review
I'm in New York and was unable to watch the Tonys. But my daughter, Annie did and files this report:
******
Tony Tony Tony
Half of this year’s best musicals were supposed to take place in Jersey. Clearly somebody
made an offer than the Tony Committee couldn’t refuse.
And I just have to say that I cannot believe they turned “The Wedding Singer” into a
musical. What’s next? Billy Madison? Water Boy? Or perhaps a musical version of
“Spanglish” featuring such hit songs as" “Please don’t fall asleep, it’s not even intermission”"
and “"Where are you going? The show’s not over.”"
The song “"Hell No”" was performed from “The Color Purple,” which is appropriate since
tha't’s probably what most people said upon hearing that they were turning Alice Walker’s'
book into a musical.
I do not get the huge Harry Connick Jr. appeal. He was probably the only straight person
there aside from Joe Pesci, and I still didn’t find him all that attractive.
Jesus, does Hal Prince really need another Tony? A couple more and he'’ll have a full
backgammon set. It’s like giving Oprah more money for producing a Broadway Show
Oh, wait—t, hey did that too.
I was so thrilled to watch Andrew Void Webber lose. He only got one nomination for that
awful musical and couldn’t even take that home. I love it!
And for those of you keeping score at home here you go:
• Number of unenthusiastic British winners who claimed to be “astonished”: 4
• Number of Female Make-Out Scenes: 2
• Number of Northwestern Alums:0
• Number of jaws that dropped when LaChanze won: 6, 000
• Number of jaws that dropped upon learning that Patricia Neal is still alive: 6, 000
• Number of People who could understand Rosie Perez: 0
And here are a couple awards of my own:
• Best Gay Actor portraying a straight role: Cynthia Nixon
• WORST Gay Actor portraying a straight role: Nathan Lane as Oscar Madiso
• Person I would LEAST want to run into in a dark alley: Michael Cerveris
• Coolest Name: Željko Ivanek
• Best Comeback from a washed-up 80’s star: Cyndi Lauper
o Runner up: Molly Ringwald
• Worst acceptance speech: John Lloyd Young
you can now afford therapy, use your
acceptance speech for something else.
******
Tony Tony Tony
Half of this year’s best musicals were supposed to take place in Jersey. Clearly somebody
made an offer than the Tony Committee couldn’t refuse.
And I just have to say that I cannot believe they turned “The Wedding Singer” into a
musical. What’s next? Billy Madison? Water Boy? Or perhaps a musical version of
“Spanglish” featuring such hit songs as" “Please don’t fall asleep, it’s not even intermission”"
and “"Where are you going? The show’s not over.”"
The song “"Hell No”" was performed from “The Color Purple,” which is appropriate since
tha't’s probably what most people said upon hearing that they were turning Alice Walker’s'
book into a musical.
I do not get the huge Harry Connick Jr. appeal. He was probably the only straight person
there aside from Joe Pesci, and I still didn’t find him all that attractive.
Jesus, does Hal Prince really need another Tony? A couple more and he'’ll have a full
backgammon set. It’s like giving Oprah more money for producing a Broadway Show
Oh, wait—t, hey did that too.
I was so thrilled to watch Andrew Void Webber lose. He only got one nomination for that
awful musical and couldn’t even take that home. I love it!
And for those of you keeping score at home here you go:
• Number of unenthusiastic British winners who claimed to be “astonished”: 4
• Number of Female Make-Out Scenes: 2
• Number of Northwestern Alums:0
• Number of jaws that dropped when LaChanze won: 6, 000
• Number of jaws that dropped upon learning that Patricia Neal is still alive: 6, 000
• Number of People who could understand Rosie Perez: 0
And here are a couple awards of my own:
• Best Gay Actor portraying a straight role: Cynthia Nixon
• WORST Gay Actor portraying a straight role: Nathan Lane as Oscar Madiso
• Person I would LEAST want to run into in a dark alley: Michael Cerveris
• Coolest Name: Željko Ivanek
• Best Comeback from a washed-up 80’s star: Cyndi Lauper
o Runner up: Molly Ringwald
• Worst acceptance speech: John Lloyd Young
you can now afford therapy, use your
acceptance speech for something else.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Deal or no deal
Recently, in London, I caught an episode of DEAL OR NO DEAL. A staid, proper host conversed with the staid proper contestant and all was very civilized. Then I saw the US version. Holy shit!!! It’s like we slammed together a game show, live informercial, Vegas, and Victoria Secrets Lingerie special.
Contestants can win a million dollars just by choosing the right suitcase. It’s the perfect American game show. No knowledge of anything is required other than maybe being able to count to 26 and point. And the willingness to jump around the stage, scream, and act like Jerry Lewis in the ERRAND BOY. One contestant I saw last week said his dream was to become a professional mascot. The adoring studio audience went WILD.
Of course they go wild over EVERYTHING. They react with the same delirious cheering, stomping, and clapping at the news that we’ve killed Abu Musab Zarqawl as learning that “we’ll be back right after this break.” This must be the same studio audience that has a collective orgasm when the man explains how the pocket fisherman works.
Here’s the premise: A contestant selects one of 26 suitcases, each held by a drop dead gorgeous model. From there he opens other suitcases revealing dollar amounts from $.01 to $1,000,000, thus eliminating them. At certain intervals the “banker” calls and offers a cash amount to end the game. The contestant can accept it or keep going (deal or no deal) until ultimately he takes the cash or whatever’s in the suitcase he originally selected. That’s it. Keno with tits.
At the moment the show is a huge hit. I fear, however, that in time it will start to get old. So I have a suggestion for how to improve it. First off, make half of the gorgeous models men. Then put a million dollars in every suitcase. Each contestant picks a suitcase. He or she then has one decision to make. Take what’s in the suitcase or the model. Weeks will go by before producers have to pony up any money at all.
If there was a studio audience here they’d be going wild.
Contestants can win a million dollars just by choosing the right suitcase. It’s the perfect American game show. No knowledge of anything is required other than maybe being able to count to 26 and point. And the willingness to jump around the stage, scream, and act like Jerry Lewis in the ERRAND BOY. One contestant I saw last week said his dream was to become a professional mascot. The adoring studio audience went WILD.
Of course they go wild over EVERYTHING. They react with the same delirious cheering, stomping, and clapping at the news that we’ve killed Abu Musab Zarqawl as learning that “we’ll be back right after this break.” This must be the same studio audience that has a collective orgasm when the man explains how the pocket fisherman works.
Here’s the premise: A contestant selects one of 26 suitcases, each held by a drop dead gorgeous model. From there he opens other suitcases revealing dollar amounts from $.01 to $1,000,000, thus eliminating them. At certain intervals the “banker” calls and offers a cash amount to end the game. The contestant can accept it or keep going (deal or no deal) until ultimately he takes the cash or whatever’s in the suitcase he originally selected. That’s it. Keno with tits.
At the moment the show is a huge hit. I fear, however, that in time it will start to get old. So I have a suggestion for how to improve it. First off, make half of the gorgeous models men. Then put a million dollars in every suitcase. Each contestant picks a suitcase. He or she then has one decision to make. Take what’s in the suitcase or the model. Weeks will go by before producers have to pony up any money at all.
If there was a studio audience here they’d be going wild.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Tony night on Broadway
I’m winging to Gotham Sunday for a Monday table reading of the musical I co-wrote (with Janet Brenner), THE 60’s PROJECT. We go into rehearsal in another month so this will give us a jump on fixing whatever still doesn’t work. I’m afraid that whole Battle of Gettysburg scene might have to go. Wrong 60’s. But who knows? That Beach Boy song could just pull it all together.
Thankfully, I’m on JetBlue so hopefully I can watch either the WORLD CUP or the Hitler Channel (that’s what I call the History Channel since every time I tune in, there he is again plotting against Poland.)
The good news is it’s Tony Awards night, which of course, is ALWAYS the biggest night of the year in New York. The whole town goes nuts! The streets will be EMPTY on my drive in from the airport.
By the way, my predictions for this year’s Tony winners:
Best Musical: JERSEY BOYS.
Best play: HISTORY BOYS
It will be “boys night” at the Tonys…but then again, isn’t it always?
Thankfully, I’m on JetBlue so hopefully I can watch either the WORLD CUP or the Hitler Channel (that’s what I call the History Channel since every time I tune in, there he is again plotting against Poland.)
The good news is it’s Tony Awards night, which of course, is ALWAYS the biggest night of the year in New York. The whole town goes nuts! The streets will be EMPTY on my drive in from the airport.
By the way, my predictions for this year’s Tony winners:
Best Musical: JERSEY BOYS.
Best play: HISTORY BOYS
It will be “boys night” at the Tonys…but then again, isn’t it always?
Friday, June 09, 2006
Do not try this at home!
Another re-post from when I had only family members reading my blog. Timely advice for aspiring writers and non-writers who want to see what stupid things aspiring writers have done.
**********
I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.
Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.
Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.
And just because people tell you you look like Debra Messing doesn’t mean you should write a WILL & GRACE entitled “Grace’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.
Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.
Don’t invent a format.
Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!
Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY
Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.
Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.
Similarly, avoid dream sequences. The GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW is not looking for the next Fellini.
Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.
Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Ray Barone is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.
I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on STACKED.
Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.
Don’t marry off any of the main characters.
Don’t kill off any of the main characters.
Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.
Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.
The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.
Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.
And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.
Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.
**********
I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.
Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.
Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.
And just because people tell you you look like Debra Messing doesn’t mean you should write a WILL & GRACE entitled “Grace’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.
Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.
Don’t invent a format.
Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!
Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY
Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.
Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.
Similarly, avoid dream sequences. The GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW is not looking for the next Fellini.
Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.
Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Ray Barone is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.
I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on STACKED.
Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.
Don’t marry off any of the main characters.
Don’t kill off any of the main characters.
Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.
Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.
The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.
Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.
And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.
Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.
the Da Vinci Code
Saw the DA VINCI CODE. Now I can tell people I read the book.
No wonder it’s a big hit. Who needs action and suspense when you can have two hours of exposition? And at the end of the day it’s still confusing.
SPOILER ALERT FOR THE THREE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW THE STORY AND STILL CARE TO:
Audrey Tautou is supposedly the last direct heir to Jesus Christ (and don’t you wish if this theory were true the last direct heir would really be Kellie Pickler???). So what was the secret society intending to do if they found her? Kill her? Force her to mate with Billy Graham? Bow down to her? Get her to host the 700 Club?
Audrey, by the way, looked scrumptious. She couldn’t be on the run from the “evildoers” in a thong? If nothing else it would’ve given Paul Bettany a reason to whip himself.
When you can replace the hero (Tom Hanks) with an audio-tour headset you haven’t serviced the lead character very well.
Since this was a movie about questioning faith, it would have been nice if the protagonists found themselves in a situation where their faith was challenged. Even once.
Plus, how much suspense can there be when Indiana Jones has already found the Holy Grail? And it was a cooler one, too. Nazis melt. This one sits under a gift shop.
Is there a French law that you can’t film a movie in Paris without casting Jean Reno?
There’s absolutely no surprise that Ian MacKellen turns out to be the villain. If he were playing Gandhi I’d be saying, “Watch out! He’s got a gun under that robe!”
Towards the end of the movie my mind drifted back to Paul Bettany’s self-flagellation scene and I thought, “Now I know how he felt.”
But regardless of what critics have said (those Godless heathens!) the DA VINCI CODE is such a runaway smash that the producers are rushing a prequel into production. In that movie Tom Hanks will uncover evidence that Audrey Tautou is also the daughter of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, thus entitling her to 1/58th of his estate to be divided by all his children.
No wonder it’s a big hit. Who needs action and suspense when you can have two hours of exposition? And at the end of the day it’s still confusing.
SPOILER ALERT FOR THE THREE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW THE STORY AND STILL CARE TO:
Audrey Tautou is supposedly the last direct heir to Jesus Christ (and don’t you wish if this theory were true the last direct heir would really be Kellie Pickler???). So what was the secret society intending to do if they found her? Kill her? Force her to mate with Billy Graham? Bow down to her? Get her to host the 700 Club?
Audrey, by the way, looked scrumptious. She couldn’t be on the run from the “evildoers” in a thong? If nothing else it would’ve given Paul Bettany a reason to whip himself.
When you can replace the hero (Tom Hanks) with an audio-tour headset you haven’t serviced the lead character very well.
Since this was a movie about questioning faith, it would have been nice if the protagonists found themselves in a situation where their faith was challenged. Even once.
Plus, how much suspense can there be when Indiana Jones has already found the Holy Grail? And it was a cooler one, too. Nazis melt. This one sits under a gift shop.
Is there a French law that you can’t film a movie in Paris without casting Jean Reno?
There’s absolutely no surprise that Ian MacKellen turns out to be the villain. If he were playing Gandhi I’d be saying, “Watch out! He’s got a gun under that robe!”
Towards the end of the movie my mind drifted back to Paul Bettany’s self-flagellation scene and I thought, “Now I know how he felt.”
But regardless of what critics have said (those Godless heathens!) the DA VINCI CODE is such a runaway smash that the producers are rushing a prequel into production. In that movie Tom Hanks will uncover evidence that Audrey Tautou is also the daughter of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, thus entitling her to 1/58th of his estate to be divided by all his children.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
What are the odds?
Actually this is a re-post from about six months ago but since there are so many new readers to the blog, and it's the time of the year when specs go out I thought it was worth another reminder.
*****
Whenever I teach a writing class I always start by saying "there are (let's say) thirty in the class. Two of you will make it." If you hear that and go "Jesus, those are terrible odds. How am I gonna compete with that?" you're dead. However, if you say "Hmmm? Me and who else?" then read on. You've got a chance. And here's the good news: Those odds just went from 15-1 to 3-1.
You have to believe in yourself first if you ever expect anyone else to.
More good news: If you are good you will be recognized. It may take some time but it will happen. Remember, readers WANT to like your script. They're BEGGING to like your script. But the key is to stick with it. Don't rely on one spec. Often times I'll meet young writers who will say "I wrote a great FRIENDS four years ago and can't get an agent." L-O-S-E-R-S. It might take five specs, it might take ten. But all you need is one person somewhere who sparks to your material. And once you're in you're in.
In future posts I'll be giving tips on what I look for in a spec. In the meantime, start writing. You're already beating the odds.
*****
Whenever I teach a writing class I always start by saying "there are (let's say) thirty in the class. Two of you will make it." If you hear that and go "Jesus, those are terrible odds. How am I gonna compete with that?" you're dead. However, if you say "Hmmm? Me and who else?" then read on. You've got a chance. And here's the good news: Those odds just went from 15-1 to 3-1.
You have to believe in yourself first if you ever expect anyone else to.
More good news: If you are good you will be recognized. It may take some time but it will happen. Remember, readers WANT to like your script. They're BEGGING to like your script. But the key is to stick with it. Don't rely on one spec. Often times I'll meet young writers who will say "I wrote a great FRIENDS four years ago and can't get an agent." L-O-S-E-R-S. It might take five specs, it might take ten. But all you need is one person somewhere who sparks to your material. And once you're in you're in.
In future posts I'll be giving tips on what I look for in a spec. In the meantime, start writing. You're already beating the odds.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
My favorite pitch meeting
In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr. He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.
We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)
We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. He ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.
Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.
And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.
We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.
We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.
The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.
We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)
We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. He ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.
Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.
And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.
We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.
We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.
The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.
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