Sunday, June 25, 2006

IMPORTANT!! Must read!!!

FINALLY!!! An election that is IMPORTANT and has real significance. The Mascot Hall of Fame is looking for its next inductee.

Yes, there is such a thing as the Mascot Hall of Fame. I don’t know where it is. Probably in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese somewhere. As the creator of the Capitol City Goofball on the SIMPSONS I’m frankly a little hurt he is not among those luminaries already enshrined. A write-in vote or sixty thousand from you would be welcomed. The website is And for that matter, Dancin’ Homer deserves some consideration…although, honestly, I think he’s still a year or two away. His ants-in-the-pants dance lacks, well…nuance and elegance.

The three ‘cots already in the Hall are the San Diego Chicken (the Babe Ruth of bulbous belly laughs), the Phillie Phanatic (the perfect blend of pratfalls and Noel Coward), and the Phoenix Gorilla (who thankfully gets more airtime on NBA telecasts than Dyan Cannon).

Among the candidates for this year’s elite class – the Mariner Moose. His claim to fame was breaking his ankle while crashing into the outfield wall while rollerblading behind an ATV during the 1995 ALCS. And now it’s his most requested routine.

Then there’s Clutch the Bear from the Houston Rockets. He is so beloved that fans have stopped spitting on him.

The Cleveland Indian’s Slider is also on the ballet. The ‘95 ALCS was apparently a tough one on mascots. In addition to the Mariner Moose’s crash-with-greatness, Slider fell from the right field wall and had to leave the game with a serious knee injury. The man KNOWS funny. People still talk about it in Cleveland. (Of course, what else is there to talk about in Cleveland?)

And don’t forget KC Wolf from the KC Chiefs. Nicknamed the “Grand Daddy” of NFL mascots (because he had a kid with one of the Dallas Cheerleaders). Imitates Elvis. His 85 inch hips help.

Still, with all due respect to these costumed Chaplins, I still say not one of them is in the same league as the Capitol City Goofball. He INVENTED belly sliding. He can perform seven DIFFERENT dances to “Love Shack”. Kids are entranced when he picks up a live ball and runs around the outfield while livid fielders and security guards chase him.

Vote what’s in your heart of course, but do consider the Capitol City Goofball. And please don’t confuse the Mascot Hall of Fame with American Idol. Many people did and that’s why Taylor Hicks won.


Beth Ciotta said...
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Anonymous said...

Until Henry the Puffy Taco is included in the Hall, it's not legit.

Toby O'B said...

If "Hardball" was still on the air, (and we know how unlikely that would have been), they could have built a whole episode around this idea.

And as I remember the Pioneers' Hardball, if he didn't make the cut, he'd probably punch out all the other nominees.

Rays profile said...

I'll vote for the Goofball but only if Tom Poston comes in to do the acceptance speech.

Anonymous said...

My vote is for the mascot Mr. Happy Crack. I read about him in the Wall Street Journal & have been a huge fan ever since. His website is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I miss the old LA Kings mascot, Kingston. If you wanted any pre-chewed gum, cigarette butts or uneaten gummy bears, you could just pick it out of his head during the game.

Anonymous said...

Almost forgot my second nomination to Goofball: This thing.

Anonymous said...

...aaaaaaand, let's not forget that he has the whole bike-horn in the nose gag trademarked.

Mary Stella said...

I'm just sitting back here all smug because my Phillie Phanatic is already in the hall. I'm sure he was a first ballot electee, too.

What, no jogging Brats up for election? No Mr. Met?

Anonymous said...

You created capitol city goofball...that's awesome!

- Allen

Anonymous said...

those mascots frighten me.