The pre-pre-pre-Emmy show

This Sunday night is the primetime Emmys. I know it’s not a high priority so circle your calendar so you don’t forget. That goes for you nominees too. I will be reviewing them as usual.

To help whip you into an Emmy froth, let’s go back and relive some unforgettable moments that you forgot from past bitchy reviews:

First Emmy article in the LA TIMES Sunday CALENDAR section: Page six. Page one story: “Gidget gone global”.

I hope Doris Roberts bringing her grandchildren on stage doesn’t start a trend. Next year James Spader might bring up a hundred cats.

Where but the Emmys could Paul Newman and Brad Garrett actually be up for the same award? Or could Wayne Brady beat out Robin Williams for his work in improv?

And it’s the only competition where James Brolin will ever be nominated with Al Pacino.

Excellence in television was put into perspective when a YES, DEAR promo appeared on the Awards show.

This year the ceremony was held at the cavernous Shrine Auditorium. Capacity: everyone who ever watched HUFF.

Doesn’t Jane Alexander play a Roosevelt every year? Next year she’ll win for the Roosevelt Grier story.

I hope Larry David's loss doesn't derail his dream of becoming a serious actor.

I'm sorry Victor Garber lost. Without him ALIAS is just an exquisite girl running around in sheer clothing saving the world. Who would want to watch that?

Ali G. should be handling the celebrity interviews.

There was a tie for best Children’s Program: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and I HAVE TOURETTE’S. How do you choose? It’s the same show.

I love Mary Louise-Parker. For Billy Craddup to dump her for Claire Dames only proves what an idiot he is. Hope he was watching. How many awards have you won, Billy?

Every time I hear Mike Nichols speak I wonder where Elaine May is.

This isn’t the first time Alan Alda beat out a more deserving nominee. But I’ve gotten over it.

Nice tribute to Danny Thomas. Bet 90% of the audience had no idea who he was. But Marlo Thomas looked great. Even in the extreme close up -- a potentially very scary moment.

What was Warren Beatty doing there? Did he think he was getting a lifetime award for his groundbreaking work on DOBIE GILLIS?

This may be the last year of HBO’s dominance at the Emmys but more recognition is in their future. They should be scoring quite a few AVN porn awards next January with TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. Michelle Borth should beat out Connie Lingis for “Best Actress in an Oral Sex Scene” and the pilot script should triumph over “Lawrence of Her Labia”.

Evangeline Lily looks spectacular even when she’s not soaking wet or trapped behind bars.

Why was Charlie Sheen up for Best Actor and Jon Cryer up for Best Supporting Actor? In TWO AND A HALF MEN, is Jon the half?

Had to replay several times Barry Manilow’s final comment to Dick Clark. He said, “all right, Dick” not “I love Dick” as I first suspected (and hoped).

How LA is this? A winner at last week’s non-televised-so-who-cares ceremony brought his Emmy to the gym yesterday. The other Emmy winners who now can’t get jobs weren’t impressed.

Why do they still give an award for best main title design when no shows are allowed to have main titles anymore?

Can ANYONE remember last year's Movie of Week winner? And that includes the winners themselves?

Why I love Jenna Fischer

Aside from the obvious reasons.

I never see her “acting”. She is the most natural of all the gifted cast members on THE OFFICE. And you can’t imagine how hard it is to play natural when there’s a camera trained on you. Look how awkward and self conscious those people who rob 7/11’s get when they realize there’s a surveillance camera. It’s just human nature.

And you don’t need a camera to feel uncomfortable. Just sense that someone is watching you. For added heebie-jeebies, imagine that someone can also come over and give you notes.

Stage actors find this particularly difficult. It’s hard to be natural when you have to project to the back row. And many talented stage actors can’t make the adjustment. Can you picture Nathan Lane guesting on THE OFFICE? His idea of “natural” is only eating the scenery and furniture and props but leaving the backdrop untouched.

But Jenna is a master. And for my money she has the hardest job. Try making “bored” funny or even interesting. Yet somehow she does. And in many ways I think she anchors the series. The others can push a little bit to be quirky and funny because they know Jenna is there, a rock, planted right in the middle, grounding the show.

Next Sunday night is the Emmys. I will be reviewing them as always. Wish I could applaud the Academy for selecting Jenna Fischer as the Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy, but she's not even nominated this year. Vanessa Williams, yeah she's hilarious. Holland Taylor, we haven't seen that act a gazillion times.

Jenna deserves that statue. My love is not much of a consolation.

SITCOM ROOM FAQ's

Getting a lot of email questions on THE SITCOM ROOM. Registration continues to go well. Only a few spots remain. In the interest of saving myself having to write the answers a whole bunch of times:

Do I need any particular type of experience to register to be a part of this?

No, just the strong desire to take part in the exercise. With the SITCOM ROOM you'll gain the experience, which will give you a big head in breaking in start since there are no other programs like this. The concept has been so successful that I'm expanding. My next venture: PRESIDENTIAL WAR ROOM.

I really want to do this, but that is too much money. Is there a way I could come and just watch, for half of the price or something?

I'm afraid not. A real sitcom writing room doesn't allow visitors. "What happens in the room stays in the room", which is good because otherwise every writer in there would be sued on any number of charges. The most exciting part of this entire weekend will be working as part of a team. Everyone contributes, and they need to be able to pitch jokes and ideas freely, without worrying about how it might look to some "outsider."

Your site will not allow me to register. There is nowhere to 'click' and input my registration information. How do I register?

Oops, you jumped the gun. You tried to register before we began accepting registrations. If you go there now, you'll see exactly where to click.

When does the actual course start? Where? Or is it an online course?

It's a live, 2-day event, in Los Angeles, November 15 - 16, 2008. 9 AM Saturday until 5 PM Sunday, with maybe a couple of hours to sleep (you think I'm kidding).

Thanks to everyone for their questions. Please pick up your lovely parting gift before you leave.

Hope to see you in November....

Me

P.S. Remember, registration closes either when 20 people have registered OR on Tuesday, September 16, at 8:59 PM (PDT)...whichever comes first.

Tom Tuttle from Tacoma

So I understand VOLUNTEERS is still a cult classic at Washington State. Written by me and my partner, David Isaacs, here is one of my favorite scenes. John Candy, hilarious as Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, has just been kidnapped in Thailand by the Communists. Damn, I miss John Candy.

What do those goofy credits mean?

First off, WOW! 11 people signed up for the SITCOM ROOM in the first hour alone. Many thanks! Just a few spots left, so if you're interested, go here for info and here to sign up.

Now my Friday question. As always, if I can't find an appropriate picture I put up one of Natalie Wood.
sonderangerbot asks:

Ken, I'd be interested to know what the difference is between the different writing credits you see on a show; you have your staff writers, story editors, creative consultants (which I think you described once in a post as authorities doing basically nothing) etc etc , could they all be that useful?

Here's the short answer: they're all bullshit. At least in half-hour comedy. There's actually only one meaningful title and that is "Show runner" and it's also the only title you’ll never see.

Originally if you created and ran a show you got a coveted Producer credit. Everybody else had to settle for Story Editor or (for the newbies) Staff Writer.

Only producers were entitled to Emmys if their show won Best Comedy. And along with the prestige (chicks dig dem producers), the titles helped establish pay grades.

So everyone wanted in on that action. (And by everyone I mean ME.)

The show runners were promoted to the made-up title of Executive Producer and Story Editors became Producers.

Then writing staffs grew. More bogus titles were needed. That led to Co-Executive Producer, Supervising Producer, Co-Producer, Executive Story Editor, Executive Script Consultant.

And then there were the punch-up guys, writers who helped out once or twice a week, usually on re-write nights. The spiffy title of Creative Consultant was dreamed up for them. But even they started getting into the act. There are now Consulting Producers. Soon there will be Consulting Executive Producers, Consulting Supervising Producers, Consulting Co-Supervising Co-Executive Story Producers.

And now you also have the non-writing producers and managers who take ersatz producer credits. Their titles should be “Leaching Producer”, “Do Nothing Producer”, “Another Level of Interference Producer”, or “Co-Parasite Producer”.

In general, the Executive Producer is the show runner and his second in command is the Co-Executive Producer. Everyone else is just on staff. They do the same job they did when they were Script Captains or Executive Story Wage Slaves.

The only exception to this producer alphabet soup is the “Produced by” credit. That always goes to the person who is in charge of the production, hiring crews, supervising post production, and overseeing budgets. In other words, unlike everyone else who has the credit, this person actually PRODUCES the show.

Registration is now open!

You can now register for this year's SITCOM ROOM weekend seminar.

We are limiting the number of participants to 20. Registration closes when we reach that number OR on Tuesday, September 16th, at 8:59 (PDT)... whichever comes first. This might not be a once in a lifetime opportunity but it's certainly a once in a year opportunity. Hope you can make it. It really is fun.

I want to register.

I want more information

I could care less and am now going to scroll down to the real post.

America's last resort community

Went down to San Diego to cover the Dodgers for my KABC radio show. Really caught a break. The weather happened to be good the three days I was there. Talk about living right.

The city that once billed itself as “America’s last resort community” (without realizing there were two ways to interpret that) has really been built up over the last few years. More Radio Shacks and Targets in the ‘burbs and a huge renovation project downtown where the Gaslamp District has become a late night restaurant and bar Mecca. This is not the sleepy provincial San Diego I used to know. Last call is now 11:15!

A big reason for the Gaslamp renaissance: Petco Park, the new downtown home of the San Diego Padres. Folks now have something else to see in the district besides drunken sailors urinating.

Stayed at the team hotel conveniently located right next door to the park. Even the rookies were able to find it. I was assigned a smoking room. I realized this when I opened the door and it was like I had entered Fidel Castro’s mouth. There was not a non-smoking room available, the desk clerk told me moments later. I was desperate. Utility infielder Pablo Ozuna passed by and I almost asked if I could room with him. Handy travel tip: Threaten to sue the hotel for the cost of the iron lung you will need. A non-smoking room was found.

Petco Park is one of those “new with a nod to the old” ballparks. The four-story brick Western Metal Supply Company warehouse remains wedged down the left field line. Also in tact from the original 1909 design are the twelve party suites that were a big part of the Western Metal Supply Company. The outfield dimensions are wacky. There’s like a little jury box that juts out in right field. On one hand you could say it gives the ballpark character. On the other you could say, “Why???”

One concession to the modern era is the signage that is everywhere. I’m surprised the first and third base coaches aren’t obligated to wear sandwich boards. The facades of every level are covered with neon ads. In left field there is one for “Bimbo Bimbo”. I suspect that section is reserved for the players’ first wives.

The Padres still have Hall-of-Famer Jerry Coleman behind the mic. The Colonel is now 84, God bless him. Jerry is famous for classic malaprops. When I broadcast Padres games with him in the mid 90s he had my favorite. “There’s a fly ball to center… foul!”

There’s a statue across the street of former Padre, Tony Gwynn, one of the two greatest citizens to ever come out of San Diego (the mascot Chicken is the other).

For reasons I do not understand there are tanning salons in San Diego.

Went to the nearby Hard Rock Hotel for breakfast. I recommend their signature “hash & eggs” imported directly from Columbia.

The Chargers are the only NFL team that did not sell out their home opener. Make no mistake, San Diego is a big league sports town. But the sport is Boogie Boarding.

A Fischer-Price “Loving Family Dollhouse” in La Jolla now goes for a million-five.

They tout all these great family attractions in San Diego but I was not allowed to tour the guided missile frigate USS Gary at the San Diego Naval Base. Zoos and Sea Worlds I can see anywhere.

You turn on the radio and everything is in Spanish. The only English speaking station I could find was from Tijuana.

Had the ballplayers known there was a nude beach in La Jolla (Black’s ) a group of them might have gone there rather than Legoland. I skipped it as well. Once you reach 30, Black’s Beach is the Gentleman’s Club of the Truly Pathetic.

I did make it out to Pacific Beach however, where old hippies go to die or surf. It’s hard to tell what did more damage, the drugs or the sun. Stores in P.B. include: Big Ass Wheels and Tires, House of Flys, Magic Market, Pink Zone, Atomic Trading Company, Sauce Goddess, Spirit Halloween Superstore, and of course Toxik Shock. But it’s nice that there’s at least one San Diego beach that isn’t gentrified, yuppified, or hotelified. And you can still score some righteous hemp!

My stay was short but as always, I love San Diego. And weather-wise I got out just in the nick of time. Pulling onto I-5 to drive back to Los Angeles I thought I saw a cloud.

My NETFLIX pick of the month

This is one of those movies nominated for a bunch of Oscars that you probably have never heard of or have forgotten, which isn’t easy considering it stars Paul Newman. And yet it’s one of his best.

ABSENCE OF MALICE was a 1981 gem. Warning: It’s not a comedy (despite Paul Newman AND Sally Field). Nor is it action-packed, gory, or features a hero (or nun) that can fly. What it is is a very involving textured drama that just holds your interest throughout. You won’t be folding laundry an hour in. And with the exception of Paul Newman sleeping with Sally Field, it all seems very logical and plausible. Actually, that’s not fair. Sally looks very cute in this movie. The Farrah-hair works for me. And their age difference was more of a problem for me when I was younger.

This is the world-weary Paul Newman (ala VERDICT) giving a masterclass in acting – showing how by underplaying you can create a character with tremendous power and presence. Sean Penn, see this movie!

And Sally Field holds her own with him – and that ain’t easy to do. If you’re up against a great actor and you’re not great yourself you have the tendency to just disappear. But Sally is right in there, scene for scene. She plays a reporter who doesn’t check her sources, is unethical, inexperienced, and irresponsible. And unlike today, those were considered bad things for journalists. Still, you don’t loathe her. Not an easy trick. If Liza Minelli played the part audiences would rush the screen.

But with all of that, it’s another actor who steals the movie – Wilford Brimley, in his very first role. His scene as Assistant U.S. Attorney General laying down the law and touting Quaker Oats is one of the greatest. Ever.

Supporting thesps Melinda Dillon (the mom in CHRISTMAS STORY) is terrific, and when you need a sleazeball your first call is always to Bob Balaban.

ABSENCE OF MALICE was written by Kurt Luedtke and directed by Sydney Pollack. It lost its three Oscar nominations but Melinda Dillon did win the Kansas City Film Critics Circle award.

Sitcom Room 2008

Okay, it's official: I'll be conducting one Sitcom Room in 2008 -- November 15 & 16 in Los Angeles. Registration will open soon, but only for a few days. When 20 people have signed up, we close the registration. Everyone on my Sitcom Room Alert List will receive an email at least 24 hours before we "open our doors," to make sure they don't miss out.

If you’re not yet on my Sitcom Room Alert List then by God, what the hell are you waiting for???

Today's real new post follows below:

Another thing about CHEERS you didn't know

CHEERS IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

You hear that at the top of every show. But most people don’t know that after six or seven episodes that almost changed. That disclaimer almost became:

CHEERS IS TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

As has been chronicled almost to death, CHEERS got off to a slow start (if you believe “dead last” is considered slow). And it was an expensive show to produce. All those lemons that Teddy cut each week alone! But one of the big ticket items was that the show was filmed rather than videotaped (like ALL IN THE FAMILY or the more highly regarded SILVER SPOONS). Tape is cheaper than film, it requires one operator per camera not three, is edited primarily during the show not after, easier to light, post production is less complicated, and the turnaround time is less.

Paramount and NBC were losing tons of money on CHEERS and it was on the brink of cancellation. So the studio felt if it could be produced cheaper NBC might have more incentive to pick CHEERS up for a back nine.

They went to Glen & Les Charles and Jimmy Burrows and asked if they’d consider flipping from film to tape. They agreed to at least make a test scene.

A first rate tape crew was enlisted to light the set. Video cameras were wheeled in, and Jimmy directed a scene. It featured everyone from the cast, and there was a lot of movement so we could view every angle of the set. It went through post-production, was color-corrected, and made broadcast-ready.

The Charles Brothers, Jimmy, my partner and I, and our line producer Tim Berry sat down and watched the test.

GAAAAA!

It was horrifying. All the warmth and depth of the set was completely obliterated. The rich colors became day-glo. And this dark, rich bar setting suddenly looked like a police station.

It was like those photos of Britney Spears without make up.

To Charles-Burrows-Charles’ credit the experiment ended right there. I don’t know if a copy of that test still exists. My guess is Glen Charles backed over the tape with his car in much the same way Tony Soprano had Phil Leotardo whacked in the SOPRANOS finale.

Ironically, if they had agreed to switch to the tape format I think it would have caused the show’s cancellation, not prevented it.

Ah, the little decisions producers have to make every day.

My life as a sitcom

How’s this for a “Lucy” moment?

On Saturday I had a busy day planned. The Dodgers were playing a day game and I had to hustle down to the ballpark to prepare for my postgame radio show.

I began grabbing my daily vitamins and gulped them down hurriedly. That’s when I realized – Oh shit! I also took two Advil PM’s – mild sleeping pills.

I barrel down to Dodger Stadium. I figured I had at least a half hour before they would take effect. But just to be safe I kept the windows wide open and played “the Best of Otis Redding” at ghetto blaster levels.

Arrive at the park and head down to the field for the daily Joe Torre managers’ Q & A with the media. A scrum of reporters surround Joe as he sits in the dugout and answers questions. He goes into a lengthy monologue on his philosophy of managing. Really great stuff. Everyone is paying rapt attention – except the guy standing right in front of him. I’m yawning. This does not go unnoticed.

I spot the Dodger trainer and ask him what I should do. First he said, “Read the labels” then suggested I should eat something immediately to help absorb the drug.

Great advice. I hadn’t eaten since last evening. I’ll go up to the press box dining room and wolf down breakfast. Some fruit, and I think those are eggs – I’ll be good as new.

As I step off the field, my broadcast partner Josh stops me. There’s an affiliate luncheon going on. Representatives from all the radio stations that carry Dodger games are assembled in the conference room. We’ve been asked to make an appearance.

Couldn’t we do it next year? Apparently not.

So we trudge up there. It shouldn’t be too bad I tell myself. A brief hello and a beeline to the chow line. Five minutes tops. We arrive and wait while others are still being introduced. I take a chair and the chair feels reeeeeal comfy. Too comfy.

Finally, we’re introduced and asked to say a few words. I get up first – primarily just to keep moving. I forget what I said but it got a big laugh. I hope I didn’t ask if any of them had some spare Benzedrine. Almost home free. A few words from Josh and we were outta there. But then, someone new entered the room.

Tommy Lasorda.

Tommy is a great speaker and he dazzles his audience…for the next HALF HOUR! I feel myself start to momentarily doze off. The only thing that kept me awake was the fear of loudly snoring during his World Series stories.

Eventually, he wraps it up. Josh gives his speech in twelve seconds, and we finally split.

I power down breakfast, drink glass after glass of ice tea. I ask the food service people if they happen to have any Jolt Cola in the back. Alas, they don’t. Nor do they have Red Bull, Mountain Dew, or schnapps.

I go to my seat on press row, starting to feel a little more awake. Then the game begins. The Arizona Diamondback pitcher can’t get the Goddamn ball over the plate. Ball one, ball two, ball three, ball four, ball one, ball two, fouled away, ball three, fouled away, fouled away, ball four, visit from the pitching coach, ball one, ball two, ball three…

Not that baseball is a slam-bam action game anyway but this contest was molasses. I look around and now I see other media members starting to nod off, some from the game, others experiencing the normal food coma after six sausages and seven strips of bacon. I start thinking, what am I going to talk about on my radio show if I nap from innings two through eight?

I decide to gut it out, guzzle ice tea, and wonder if there’s any way to just suck out the caffeine?

Manny Ramirez hits a big three run homer. The crowd goes nuts. That wakes me up a little. Enough.

I’m able to stay awake during my broadcast – something I hope the listeners can do too. Then it’s back home, with Otis Redding blasting so loud you’d think I was a gang member. Since I had dinner plans there was no time for a nap. So I down a Coke, keep my dinner engagement, and practically trip a waiter to get his attention. “Hey, where’s the bread?!”

I make it through dinner. I’m now exhausted. It’s been a long day. I go to bed early. Lay my head on the pillow. Ahhhhhh. And now, finally….

I can’t sleep.

Tomorrow: Something about CHEERS I bet you didn’t know.

Don't buy a mattress without checking with Shelley Long first

When Shelley Long was a struggling actress in Chicago she got a job being the spokesperson for Homemaker's Furniture. And here's the neat thing. Even when she became a big star on CHEERS she still went back and did their local spots. That loyalty and kindness is who Shelley is... along with being amazingly talented.

Here are a couple of those commercials.



This one I think was a few years later.



Oh, she's also a wonderful friend.

Thank God! It's BACK!!!

The new season of INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT premiered last week! This for me is like a new season of THE SOPRANOS or MAD MEN. In case you're not familiar with the reason to own a TV, here is my account of last year's IBP.

In my relentless and noble quest to discover absurd television shows for you, I have found INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT on the Style Network. It’s a reality show where the hosts invade big indoor malls, corral hot looking women, and in three hours they have to compete in a beauty contest for the grand prize of a trip to Mexico. There are three competitions – bathing suits, talent, and evening wear. The contestants are given $300 and three hours to buy everything, including hair and make up. So they become the first five women ever to buy glamorous evening gowns at J. C. Penney’s.

The hosts are Debbie Matenopoulos (pictured, who ten years ago was a 20-something host fired from THE VIEW and today is a 30-something size zero blonde Jillian Barberie wannabe) and Cameron Mathison (best known for performing heartthrob heavy lifting on ALL MY CHILDREN). They’re very high energy and bubbly and should be hosting kids’ birthday parties.

The show begins with them accosting young shoppers at the mall and asking if they’d like to participate. At one point Cameron went up to two equally cute girls and invited one to take part while just dismissing the other. Nice.

One woman’s boyfriend said, “Mexico? I want the damn cash money!”

The five contestants are selected and they each have a “coach” to assist them. It can be a buddy, a boyfriend, mom. The five groups for the Houston competition were:

Sarah (a squat rocker chick with a nose the size of her off-kilter pony tail) and her coach, Jovaney (a flamboyant gay boy sporting an Elvis pompadour and a self proclaimed expert on fashion). Good thing there was no charm competition because Sarah might’ve lost points had the judges overheard: “All I can say to the other girls is get the fuck out of my way!” A real debutante.

Caitlin (a 37 year old mom) and her impossible to remember friend.

Diamond (African-American, pretty) and her coach, an Anthony Anderson lookalike in a bright red shirt you could see from Houston to Galveston.

Shanna (cute Texas girl) and her non-selected friend Rebekka, who was even more attractive than Shanna.

Tiffany (sassy) and her hot looking young mom (who must’ve had Tiff when she was eleven).

For the next three hours these groups race around the mall like idiots. Sarah modeled a bathing suit for Jovaney who said, “I told you to go on that Hollywood Diet.”

Tiffany said, “I’d buy what my mom wanted but I don’t want to look like no whore.”

Diamond was seen shopping for jewelry next to the flip flops display.

Shanna revealed to host Cameron that she was getting over a tragic death in her family. Obviously flustered, he comforted her by saying, “Well, you look beautiful.” Looking for the perfect exit line, he chose: “Thanks for being so honest. That was obviously touching.”

Tears for Diamond as well as she told hostess Debbie that she was named by her grandma who has since passed away. She finally composed herself and said, “I’m crying because grandma is dead… and I only get $300.”

Jovaney (who obviously can’t spell Giovanni) to a store clerk: “Do we get a discount for being beautiful?”

Shanna’s coach thought she should buy some stick on boobs.

Nerves were frayed. Tiffany refused to wear the “booty shorts” her sainted mom suggested. Jovaney said to Sarah, “Did you just get accepted to the hottest fashion school in New York? No. That’s what I thought. I did. So listen to me and win.” Charm girl Sarah retorted with: “Bitch!”

Finally it was showtime. For a crowd of bewildered mall shoppers the five women showed off their bathing suits, gliding down the catwalk with the grace of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

Then it was the talent competition. Diamond did a rap number and was quite good. Shanna performed improv comedy, asking the audience for items to use as props. She put a purse over her head and said, “Hey, where did everybody go?” That was her funniest moment. Sarah belly danced. The highlight was not chewing gum. Tiffany sang “If You’re Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands” (horribly off key), but the best was Caitlin who gave a German lesson (I kid you not).

Then came the evening gown competition, more clomp-clomp-clomping.

37 year old mom, Caitlin (who was absolutely gorgeous, by the way) was worried. Earlier in the show she said, “I’ve always been insecure about my outer beauty. I’m hoping that today will help with some of my confidence. And I’ll be able to accept myself for who I am.”

Caitlin was the first one voted off.

Diamond, the only one with talent was eliminated shortly thereafter.

The winner: Sarah, the stumpy punk girl with the bump on her very ethnic nose.

Tiffany came in second and won a prize too. Two nights in Las Vegas and tickets to see MAMA MIA. Tiffany also learned a Big Life Lesson. In a really heartfelt way she said, “I should listen to my mother more.” (I guess mama knows best when it comes to the whore look.)

INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT airs… God knows when on the Style Channel. Just set your tivo. It’s Americana and kitsch at its best. And you’ll learn German.

Why do I write for television?

Friday Question of the Week time. There is one of those meme things going around. Various scribes on the blogosphere are being asked why they wanted to write for television? You know me. I can’t resist a good meme (whatever the hell that means).

My partner David and I started out at a time when television comedy was vastly superior to film, certainly in quantity and variety of styles. This was the early 70’s (1970s not 18) and with the exception of Woody Allen and Mel Brooks movies there was very little hilarity on the silver screen. It was a golden age of cinema with Coppola, Spielberg, Friedkin, Lucas, DePalma, Scorsese, Ashby, Altman, and whoever directed BLACKUA turning out one classic after another. But comedy was relegated to the back seat.

TV was a different story. This was the heyday of ALL IN THE FAMILY, MASH, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, MAUDE, BARNEY MILLER, THE ODD COUPLE, and BRIDGET LOVES BERNIE. We were much more inspired to write for television (especially that last classic.

Plus, when we started we knew NOTHING about writing. I had to buy a TV script just to see what one looked like. So we figured it was probably easier to master 35 pages than 120. And since we’re still trying to master those 35 pages I’d say we were right.

Another thing I like about TV is the immediacy of it. You write something, it gets filmed next month, the following month it’s on the air, ten minutes later it's on HULU, eighteen minutes after that the DVD comes out, and within an hour used copies are available for $ 19 on Amazon. You can serve it while it’s hot. Movies take forevvvvvver… and that’s if you’re even lucky enough to get one in production. We wrote our first draft of VOLUNTEERS in 1980. It came out in 1985.

TV is also a writer’s medium. Film is a director’s. Writers become show runners in TV. They get thrown off the set in movies. TV writers have some control. Movie writers get rewritten by the director and his wife’s slow cousin.

And it used to be that if you wrote a show that aired on a major network, more people would see it, even if it finished dead last in the ratings, than have seen all the live productions of HAMLET put together. But with NBC’s line up that’s no longer true. Still, more people will see a show you write for the Peacock network than have seen all the productions of Joan Rivers’ one-woman show ever staged.

There are certainly plusses for writing screenplays too, and we’ve been fortunate enough to do both. But for some reason we always come back to television. Of course that could also be because they’ve heard of us in television.

Funniest ten seconds of the conventions

Unconventional coverage

Hi there: If you haven't seen the below post about THE SITCOM ROOM, please scroll down. Thanks.Here's another installment from my upcoming memoir on growing up in the fabulous-for-some 60s. It seemed a timely entry.

1964

I’ve always been fascinated by the National Conventions. I am hardly what you’d call a wonk but (a) these political bacchanals were great theater, and (b) there was nothing else on; even ABC pre-empted programming.

At one time there was great drama at these back-slap-fests. You didn’t know who the presidential candidates were going to be until after the conventions, not three months before. Today the only suspense is can you stay awake? But back then it was rollicking good fun – thousands of goofballs in straw hats and bolo ties waving campaign signs and hoping to get the West Virginia delegates into the sack.

For years later it would not be as amusing, but that’s getting ahead of myself.

Each of the three major networks provided their own coverage. Most households had a decided preference for one over the others. We were a CBS family. Uncle Walter Cronkite conveyed trust, reassurance, and objectivity. There was no CBS News “with an attitude”, no “Cronkite Factor”. Just a middle-aged rumpled reporter who looked more like your family doctor than Chad who cleans your pool.

NBC countered with the equally credible “Huntley-Brinkley Report”. Chet Huntley was the stern father with the voice of God. You always expected him to take you out to the back of the barn if you talked during his newscast. David Brinkley was the nerd who made good. Together they developed a large following, rivaling CBS’.

No one watched ABC. When the crown jewel of your primetime schedule is THE PATTY DUKE SHOW, it’s hard to take the news division seriously.

The Democratic Convention was in Atlantic City. Senator Robert Kennedy introduced a short film on his late brother and received a 22-minute standing ovation. Hubert Humphrey was named VP candidate and got the kind of reception reserved for comics on open mic night.

Quick aside: I missed LBJ’s acceptance speech. I was in the Corbin theater watching A HARD DAY’S NIGHT. That was a 90-minute standing ovation, along with continuous shrieking, screaming, and swooning. The crazed girl next to me kept crying out “Paul! Paul! Paul!!” “That’s a screen!” I yelled, finally. “It’s a movie! Paul’s not there! He can’t hear you!” The Beatles were live in Los Angeles on August 23rd. I did not attend the concert. Tickets were expensive ($4.00 apiece!), impossible to get, and mom wasn’t too keen on driving by the Hollywood Bowl and picking me up out front.

The Republicans convened in the aptly named Cow Palace in San Francisco, choosing Barry “what’s the point of having nukes if you don’t use ‘em?” Goldwater as their nominee, and right-wing Bill Miller as his running mate. Ironically, Miller’s daughter is Stephanie Miller, the left-wing talk show host. On the scale of rebellious children, that ranks above the minister's daughter who becomes a whore.

Highlight of that convention was when NBC reporter, John Chancellor was ejected from the main floor. Wearing bulky headphones and an aerial sticking out of the top of his head, he was led away by security thugs on national television. His sign-off was classic: "This is John Chancellor, somewhere in custody."

Announcing another SITCOM ROOM

Not positive of the dates, but I'm trying to schedule the only SITCOM ROOM
of the year for sometime in November, in Los Angeles. (That's my weekend seminar where you actually experience being on a writing staff. Did you see the post below? You'd be doing that (but not as tortuous.)

Anyway, the seminar will be limited to only 20 people so if you want to get all the info as soon as it's available please join the Sitcom Room Alert List. Just click here.

The people on that list get first crack at the 20 spaces. Hope to see you there -- when we determine where there will be and when.

The rewrite night that turned into morning

Here's another sticky writing problem. We had an episode of ALMOST PERFECT where Kim & Mike go off to a resort hotel for a romantic weekend. But she gets sick and hilarity ensues. At least we thought it would. It did not. The table reading was a complete disaster. Nothing worked... and we had some really good food poisoning jokes.

On those rare occasions when that happens we usually just throw out the script and replace it with next week's show. But we had spent a fortune on the hotel set. Two rooms and a hallway had been constructed. And most of our regular sets had been removed to make room.

So this was our task: come up with a whole new story and script, and it must be set in two hotel rooms and a hallway. And it must be completed that night. I'm getting a tic just thinking about it.

What follows is the end result. Much of the credit goes to our amazing staff. Mike & Linda Teverbaugh, Dave Hackel, and Drew Vaupin & Phil Baker. Without them we'd still be on page 4.

One other note: I bet you recognize the actor we hired to play her former boyfriend.

Good news for PRISON BREAK fans!

Dr. Sara Tancredi is back!

Dwindling fans of the show will remember that she was killed and decapitated last season. But the resulting outcry prompted the producers to reconsider. The only slight complication: how to bring her back? Producers of PRISON BREAK have often been accused of absurd storytelling but this time I think they’ve devised an ingenious and completely plausible explanation.

Once Michael & Lincoln escape from the Panamanian prison (they morphed into birds and flew out – another story turn easy to buy), they enter a cantina to have a brew and discover Senor Wences is alive and still performing. He would now be 130 (but I don’t have a problem believing that). In his act he converses with the head in the box and sure enough it’s Dr. Sara!

Michael is overjoyed but now must face his toughest break-out yet. He and his brother must spring Sara from Senor Wences’ ironclad stage trunk. This becomes the 22 episode story arc for season four.

They enlist the inside help of “Johnny” (Wences’s hand) but is he a true friend or foe (two-handed)?

A further complication: “T-Bag” Bagwell suddenly falls in love with Sara, now that she’s just a severed head, his stated preference for women.

And still another thorny problem that will be addressed realistically: Sara hears her biological clock ticking and wants to conceive children.

This season promises to be action-packed with twists and turns even Chekhov would marvel at.

PRISON BREAK premiered Monday night. If you missed it I’m sure it’s available on line. Or you could always just rent BOXING HELENA.

Labor Day in Hollywood

Labor Day marks the unofficial end of summer. In the entertainment business it means this:

The movie industry resumes after three months of vacation. When agents submit spec screenplays there will be executives there to read them. (But only for a couple of weeks. The Toronto Film Festival is days away and they’ll all be gone for that.)

Your agent returns from his-or-her vacation. They rented a villa in Nice for a month and then met up with more successful clients than you, rented a yacht and cruised the Mediterranean, buying some amazing artwork along the way. Your vacation was an August weekend in Tucson.

Sitcoms are back in production. Show three has just filmed and there is no script for show four. It goes into production on Wednesday. Pre-production began right after Memorial Day. What happened to all that lead time???

Showrunners on new shows are being bombarded with notes from nervous networks, studios, non-writing producers, actors, managers, and spouses.

Showrunners on new shows are also making those obligatory calls to the network crying that they’re not getting enough on-air promotion. They’ve seen one promo for their show while ads for STUDIO 60 are still running even though it’s been canceled.

Hour dramas are already way behind schedule. Upcoming scripts are being revised, slashing any scene that can’t be filmed in an hour.

Showrunners on ensemble dramas are receiving those calls from cast members’ managers complaining their clients aren’t getting as much to do as other cast members (whose managers are also complaining).

Network development people are a month into hearing pitches and they’ve heard the same one eleven times already. “What if we went home with the Joker and met his family?”

Writers who spent months preparing their pilot pitches only to be shot down in the first minute now scramble to come up with something else.

Mandy Patinkin walks off whatever project he’s currently on.

Oscar campaigns get sent upstairs for approval.

The Cedars-Sinai cardiac ward is reserving a couple of private rooms. October is just around the corner.

HAPPY LABOR DAY!