I was on AMERICAN IDOL

Yes, I can now say I was on AMERICAN IDOL. Okay for four nanoseconds in a crowd shot but clearly I had the “Wow” factor during those four nanoseconds.

The show is actually done at CBS Television City. So is THE PRICE IS RIGHT and it must be strange for the pages to seat audience members who didn’t have oxygen tanks.

All cellphones and pagers are confiscated at the door. You only get them back if you promise not to vote for Sanjaya.

Once seated, pages come around with paper caps making us spit out our gum. Fifty people chew with their mouths open and it ruins it for the rest of us.

I was right! The cast from DRIVE was there. And maybe Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter. It sorta looked like her but they sat her way in the back behind the teleprompter. How the mighty have fallen when Sanjaya’s sister gets a better seat.

We were sitting right behind Sanjaya’s sister. In person she’s very hot… and still looks more masculine than him.

Wisely, there are no monitors. The audience has to watch the show not themselves. That was fine for everyone but the cast of DRIVE.

First off, a warm-up guy who looks like Lou Costello in a bowling shirt comes out and whips the audience into an absolute frenzy by giving away one T-shirt. Judging by this group, the only item that would have excited them more was a Scooter Pie.

The theme was Latin night… I think. It is so LOUD in there. Either Latin or Manhattan. You have no sense of the singers’ vocals. But there is an energy being there that more than makes up for it. I hear the same is true on THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Jennifer Lopez giving singing tips is like Eddie Griffith giving driving tips.

But at least she didn’t mentor the girls on how to choose a boyfriend.

I talked my wife out of bringing a banner that read: “HEY JEWS! YOU CAN NOW EAT BREAD AGAIN!!”

You can’t help but be impressed by how polished the show’s production is. Clearly these folks have it down.

And Ryan Seacrest makes it look easy. Fifty years from now he’ll be hosting THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Despite what Simon said, I liked Melinda Doolittle’s rendition of “Sway”. She was very Ella.

Staff members on the show say Melinda is the most supportive of all the other contestants. I’m not surprised.

LaKisha Jones looked like a 64 ounce bottle of Coke in that red and black dress. And dancing was not a terrific idea. Whenever she moved in one direction there were always parts of her that moved in at least three other different directions.

It was hard to hear Randy but so what? He says the same thing every time.

It was also hard to hear Ryan asking LaKisha that viewer question. When she mentioned her daughter, Brionne, I thought she said “Frionne” and wondered why she’d name her child after an anti-freeze.

Chris Richardson sounded MUCH better live than on TV. But Paula was up dancing and twirling and doing everything but putting him in a sack and taking him home.

How fitting that Haley would do “Turn the Beat Around” by Andrea True, a former porn star. Best part of her performance: She got up on that audience ramp and I was eye level with her crotch. I almost threw her a dollar.

Idol fact: Director Bruce Gowers also directed Queen’s famous “Bohemian Rhapsody” video.

When J-Lo said Phil Stacey gave her goose bumps I think she spoke for all of us in the audience as well. At one point in his song he got off the stool and stepped downstage. As if by reflex, everyone backed up a step. If our phones weren’t confiscated at least ten kids would’ve called their mommy to come pick them up.

When Blake Lewis sings, all you have to do is look around at the girls in the audience to see he’s a top three finalist. They all have that Paula Abdul drool.

Simon is smooth. During a break a blonde in a brown top asked him what he thought was the sexiest thing in a woman? He said, “A blonde in a brown top.” I’m sure Paula thought he was talking about her, not realizing that she isn’t a blonde.

I thought Jordin Sparks gave the performance of the night. Her joy is just infectious. I applaud her for not having castanets just as I applaud LaKisha for not wearing a Carmen Miranda hat.

When Ryan introduced Sanjaya I was right behind him on camera and was all ready to cry and everything but at the last second got blocked out by a Sanjaya sign.

Sanjaya should have been wearing a Carmen Miranda hat. I don’t think he’s washed his hair since Brian Dunkleman left the show.

But he was not the worst of the night. And for that fact alone, my wife and I can say we were at the most memorable AMERICAN IDOL show of the year. They’ll be talking about it all summer.

Thanks to M & P for getting us in.

After the show I went in search of the page to get my gum back.

Boycott THE CARTOON NETWORK

I am now officially boycotting THE CARTOON NETWORK. I tried to watch an episode of FAMILY GUY recently and every two minutes they’d obliterate the screen with an animated blob or cartoon flames to promo something called the Aqua Teen Movie (pictured above). It would last for fifteen interminable seconds. Forget how infuriating it is to the viewers. For the writers and creative staff behind FAMILY GUY it was incredibly insulting.

To those Cartoon Network geniuses who okayed this deplorable practice, how would you like it if during an important phone call Joan Rivers came on the line every two minutes and started screaming in your ear? Or you’d be driving down the street and every two minutes a bucket of paint was splashed onto your windshield?

And as if the animated intrusions weren’t distracting enough, they were showing this Aqua Teen Movie in a tiny box in the bottom of the screen. It looked like a bad pixel on your computer screen, just annoying enough to make you want to take a bat to your TV.

Where does this clutter end? Between crawls, logo meatballs, running scores, promos, peacocks, TV-MA boxes, the Aflac duck, and time & temperatures, watching the actual show is like playing Where’s Waldo? So to help you out in that department, networks also flash “You are watching” announcements.

Step one is boycotting THE CARTOON NETWORK. If you want to see FUTURAMA or POKEMON they’re available on DVD. Let’s send them and other offenders a message.

Now if only there was a way to send them that message every two minutes.

Oh...and while I'm ranting and sending messages and getting real worked up over the truly important issues of our day, let's organize a million man march to stop this insidious network practice of splitting the screen during closing credits so the people who kill themselves to make a good show have their names reduced to the size of microfilm. I'm sure I could get all of the people whose names have been shrunk to participate but I can't read them.

I will be attending AMERICAN IDOL tonight along with whatever Fox star they're shamelessly trying to pimp. Probably one of those skeesix from DRIVE. My report will follow.

Fire walking, balloon animals & THE SITCOM ROOM

An acting class recently asked to use one of my failed (I mean, “unsold”) pilots in their workshop. As a writer it’s always fun to see your words come to life (even if it opens up old wounds). And this group did a great job. They all gave me their headshots and I hope to be able to use some of them in the future.

When I scan through headshots and actors’ resumes my eyes always drift first to the “special skills” section. The skills considered “special” always amuse me. From this batch come these:

Stuttering, loves to travel, can impersonate Tom Waits, lisping, great with kids, dual citizenship (that takes talent), rollerblading, swimming, can say the alphabet backwards, CPR, stick fighting, weightlifting, good with pit bulls, elementary school teacher, rapper, United States Army Reserve, snowboarding – 3 years, hula, reflexology, pistols, valid U.S. passport, fire walking, back packing, balloon animals, some French, smoke rings, pilates, spinning, clowning, can ride a camel, accent: North Hollywood.

I wish them all great success. I’d hate to think that that fire walking training or reverse alphabet reciting class would be all for naught.

*******
Had to add this. Saw it in the Sunday LA TIMES.

The archbishop of Chicago, Cardinal Francis George, was hospitalized with a slight hip fracture Saturday morning after he apparently slipped and fell on some holy water.

Not to wish ill on anybody but this is the kind of headline that would lead to hours of one-liners in a sitcom writing room.

And speaking of the SITCOM ROOM ...

Her's an update:

We’re moving forward. This will be a two day workshop that will simulate the experience of actually being in a writing room. It’ll be a cross between a seminar/workshop and comedy writing fantasy camp. More details here.

The dates: Saturday/Sunday, July 21 –22

The place: Los Angeles. I've managed to secure a very good site -- really convenient for anyone
flying into L.A. and with a set-up that is especially well-suited to a
Sitcom Room atmosphere.

Limited to just 15 attendees, so I can give personal coaching to everyone.

All the details will be available on a new website within the next week or so -- along with an online registration form.

For update information first just drop me a line. sitcomroom@gmail.com

Hope to see you in L.A. in July!

Proof of evolution

Another great opening title sequence. From the SIMPSONS. Can't wait for the movie.

A tribute to MASH

The MASH theme, written for the movie by Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman is called "Suicide is Painless". Although sung in the film, the TV series made a conscious decision to never feature the lyrics. However, in this lovely tribute to the show, the words are included.

Personally, I love the lyrics. What do you think?

My bitter-sweet Lord

What? They’re canceling the chocolate Jesus exhibit at the prestigious Roger Smith Hotel in New York? Outraged Catholics including Cardinal Edward Egan were appalled. Organizers were surprised that a nude, anatomically correct sculpture made in chocolate of Jesus Christ might be considered offensive to some. I guess their reasoning is when it’s okay to display a statue of former heavyweight champ, Buster Douglas in butter at the Ohio State Fair, what’s the difference?

My question is: the artist, Cosimo Cavallaro, and creative director of the gallery at the hotel, Matt Semler (who quit in protest) are SURPRISED by this reaction? If Willy Wonka became a Born Again he’d be smart enough not to do this. There’s a reason you never see chopped liver sculptures of Jesus at Catholic weddings. Or a candy shop at the Vatican. It’s so clearly off-the-charts predictable that this stunt would cause some flack.

On the other hand…is this publicity exactly what they want? I mean, if the Roger Smith Hotel unveiled a statue of me, nude, anatomically correct (or at least enhanced) in chocolate I don’t even think my wife would come. George Clooney? They might have a tough time getting his permission. (I’d be honored so I’m a good get.) But the point is -- do something wacky, anything wacky and you can expect media attention these days.

And the end result: You know the Jesus statue will appear somewhere. And it will draw crowds. Probably in a mall... as part of their Easter Spring Sale Celebration. In the meantime, chocolate bunnies are still okay... although marshmellow bunnies are borderline bad taste.

Happy Easter.

The SOPRANOS are back...finally

Wow, both the SOPRANOS and KING OF QUEENS airing their final episodes. I hope THE SOPRANOS doesn't get overshadowed by KING OF QUEENS mania.

It's been so long since the SOPRANOS have been on it'll take two episodes to remember what was going on. I just barely got up to speed with THE SHIELD.

I imagine the NY POST and ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY will speculate for weeks on how the series will end and they'll be wrong. Creator, David Chase will find some elegant, unexpected, memorable finale. But David, please, don't flash forward to show when they all die.

Interesting that most members of the writing staff are in their 50’s. You mean you don’t lose your talent at 32??

One of the show’s producers should serve as a real inspiration to writers. Matthew Weiner. He was a half hour guy. I worked with him for several years on BECKER. Super talented and funny. A few years ago he decided to reinvent himself and write an hour drama pilot. The networks of course were not the least bit interested but David Chase read it. Matt just completed his third season with the SOPRANOS after having written some of the best episodes from last year. And as a P.S., Matt has a new series of his own premiering soon on AMC.

Here are some past credits of the SOPRANOS staff (not saying these are all bad shows, just somewhat different from what you might expect…so I don’t want a lot of comments saying how great Secret Squirrel was.):

The Magician
2 Stupid Dogs
Batman (the animated series)
Cover Me
Swat Kats
Hack
The In-Laws
Baby Blues
American Gothic
DiResti
The New Flipper
The Naked Truth
Living in Captivity
Sister Sister
..... and of course – the Secret Squirrel Show.

Paulie looks the grown-up Butch Munster.

Meadow is now old enough that I don’t feel like a pervert for having a crush on her.

How is Tony going to listen to his oldies in the car now that WCBS-FM is gone? What he SHOULD do is whack all the stupid CBS radio executives who decided to change the station’s format.

And then, to make matters worse for oldies fans -- they shot Frankie Valli.

More BADA BING scenes. Have Haley Scarnato from AMERICAN IDOL guest.

What’s worse than death? Going from the SOPRANOS to the cast of JOEY. RIP Adrianna.

Switched at birth: Tony Soprano and UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland.

Is there a better actress on television than Edie Falco? And if the SOPRANOS was being cast by a network they would probably have insisted on that Italian go-to-girl, Sharon Lawrence.

Also, if the show were being done for a network the name “Pussy” would have to be changed to “Happy Place”.

No wonder sister Janice is such a mess. Tony got the looks in the family.

My favorite character is still Christopher. Slugging Lauren Becall was one of the premiere moments of the series. (Written by Matt Weiner, by the way.)

I bet in real life the scariest cast member is Lorraine Bracco.

Even in HD Silvio has no neck.

I don’t care if Uncle Junior's trial is ever resolved. I just want the state to take away his drivers’ license. Believe me, he’ll kill more people with his car.

Thanks to David Chase and all the incredibly gifted people who gave us the finest drama in the history of television, THE SOPRANOS.

Random snark

Sorry to see Gina go. Haley came very close. In order to survive next week she's going to have to show nipples. Next Tuesday I will BE at AMERICAN IDOL. I plan on crying so you may see me on camera. A full report will follow.

Ratings for AMERICAN IDOL have gone down this year. The Sanjaya travesty is beginning to take its toll. And getting hair tips from Diana Ross isn’t helping.

Meanwhile, LaKisha Jones is now selling Italian charm bracelet add-ons with her picture on them. Haley Scarnato pasties and tassels go on sale next week.

Tomorrow morning at 8:50 I will be on KNX radio in Los Angeles talking about AMERICAN IDOL. 1070 on your AM dial, if you even have an AM radio anymore.

Halle Berry recently got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. When you see these ceremonies you probably wonder, who is that little man who’s always there? That’s Johnny Grant. Former LA disc jockey now Hollywood’s Honorary Mayor who takes his salary in hugs and cheap thrills. He’s the uncle you’ve been threatening with a restraining order.

Other major stars who will receive theirs this year include Erik Estrada, Jerry Stiller, Mariah Carey (who can forget her performance in GLITTER?), Crystal Gayle, and local sportscaster Stu Nahan.

Among last year’s inductees: Nathan Lane, Vanna White, Judge Judy, local sportscaster Jim Hill, Motley Crue, Shecky Greene, and Wink Martindale.

But 2005 was the real banner year. Emilio Estevez, Fred Travalena, and Donald Duck.

Glad to hear NBC is renewing 30 ROCK. Maybe if they didn’t put it in the Thursday night death slot against GREY’S ANATOMY and CSI it might have a chance of attracting some viewers. If NBC really wants to launch 30 ROCK they should schedule it Monday night at 9:30… on CBS.

I plan on being the only blog on the internet not to do a Keith Richards snorting his father joke. I know it may cost me a coveted Weblog nomination but I’m going to take the high road on this one.

A headline from today's Sydney Morning Herald: Air Pacific says it has apologised to a young Japanese woman after a Fijian soldier urinated on her.

On Monday’s ESPN coverage of the Royals-Red Sox game, bumbling commentator Joe Morgan admitted he was wrong about something. It was a national E.F. Hutton moment. If you’re not familiar with Joe’s work, picture Randy Jackson calling a baseball game but less articulate.

I will miss Soledad O’Brien (pictured left) on CNN’s “American Morning”. She did such a great job of reading the news that I’d watch with the sound off and still enjoy her. When I become the Honorary Mayor of Hollywood she's the first person getting a star.

Barack Obama has raised more money than Hillary Clinton. $23.5 million to $20 million. In third place was LaKisha Jones with those charm bracelets.

American Idol this week

I was hoping the theme for this week’s AMERICAN IDOL would be “Songs of Passover”. I would have loved to have heard Blake Lewis beatboxing during “Dayenu” or Sanjaya singing “Had Gadya” while wearing long peyis.

As it was, a good night. They’re down to the top 8 and Sanjaya. Tony Bennett offered some great advice… although it’s hard to take anyone seriously wearing a yellow sports jacket. I’m sure most contestants didn’t know who he was. And the ones that did thought, “Oh yeah, the old dude from MTV”.

Blake’s rendition of “Mack the Knife” made me long for Kevin Spacey’s. None of it worked for me. The lounge lizard look and the clunker notes. I thought the judges were kind.

I pictured weird Phil Stacey singing “Night & Day” to a girl just before he cut her up and put her in mason jars.

And Paula thought he was a young Frank Sinatra? Frank Sinatra Jr. maybe. Or Tina.

Michael Buble is a young Frank Sinatra. Phil Stacey is a young Hannibal Lecter.

Melinda Doolittle is in a different league. Like Barry Bonds batting clean-up at a fat man’s picnic.

When Chris Richardson came out in the Sinatra pork pie hat I thought, “uh oh”. Please don’t do “Mrs. Robinson”. (Have you heard Frank’s version of that song? “How’s your bird, Mrs. Robinson? Jilly loves you more than you will know. Whoa whoa whoa. The P.T.A., Mrs. Robinson, won’t approve the way you do your thing. Ding ding ding.”) But he was pleasantly terrific.

You heard it here first: Jordin Sparks could sneak in and become the American Idol. She sings great, has a effervescent personality, and her million dollar smile might be a thirty million vote smile.

Gina Glocksen – Simon was dead on. She’s good but there are three other women who are better. She needs the theme to be Joan Jett week or she’s toast.

Sanjaya – Andy Garcia meets Tinkerbell. America’s joke.

Haley Scarnato went back to her strength – showing off her legs and breasts. Among the many things her performance was lacking was a pole. I mean, when Paula, who is excited when you dangle a piece of string in front of her eyes, can only say “green is a good color on you”, you know you’re in trouble.

And finally, I’m getting tired of LaKisha. Yes, her voice can reach the back row…of the Acropolis, but there are no shadings. Melinda is a singer. LaKisha is a belter.

I’d say Haley and Phil are the bottom two. Maybe Gina. AMERICAN IDOL will adopt the “Passover” theme by passing over Sanjaya for another undeserving week.

How to hide the miracle of life

Was at a party recently and bumped into Shelley Long (who looks fabulous, by the way!). She mentioned that her daughter just turned 22. Wow. It seems like just yesterday we were in the third year of CHEERS and Shelley was pregnant. Whenever an actress on a series gets pregnant it presents a tricky dilemma for the writers – especially if you don’t want her character to get pregnant as well. I don’t know what they would have done on the FLYING NUN.

On CHEERS, if Diane had a baby it would alter the entire series, taking it in a direction we didn’t want to go. So the question became – how do we hide it?

I thought the staff came up with a pretty ingenious solution. Diane and new beau, Frasier would vacation in Europe. We could film those scenes early in the season before she was showing and then place them in episodes later in the year. During the early stages of the pregnancy she deftly hid behind the bar or a tray. And when it was impossible to hide her anymore we had the Europe episodes in the bank.

Since those Europe scenes were independent of the main stories they could sometimes be shuffled around. I remember watching an episode at home one night, written I believe by Sam Simon. I was laughing and enjoying the story and then they cut to one of these vacation scenes. It was odd. I felt a weird déjà vu. I knew this was a first run episode I hadn’t seen yet this scene was vaguely familiar.

And then it hit me – David and I wrote this scene. It was taken out of our show and inserted into this one.

There have been many times I’ve watched scenes and thought to myself, I wish I had written that. This was the first time I watched a scene and said, “Oh my God, I did write that!”

I imagine whoever wrote the vacation scene that appeared in our episode had a similar reaction.

Things were so much easier with Rhea Perlman. She got pregnant several times during the run of the series but since it was established that her character, Carla popped out kids like a Pez dispenser, it actually made things easier for us.

Starting with Lucy (didn’t everything start with Lucy?) all the way to Amanda Peete on STUDIO 60, writers have dealt with series stars getting pregnant. And they’ve always found solutions.

Except one. On BEWITCHED they never could explain which Darren was the father of Tabitha.










Late tomorrow: My weekly AMERICAN IDOL review. I'm anxious to see how many of the finalists have even heard of Tony Bennett.

Why our eyes wander... and where they go

It’s not our fault!

When a man is looking at a woman and his eyes drift downward do not be offended ladies, it’s how we were programmed.

No… really.

Thank God for the Nielsen/Norman group for uncovering this TRUTH. They conducting a study on Web site design and happened upon this monumental discovery. In tracking eye movement researchers had 255 men and women look at photos of other people. Men always snuck quick peeks at the subject’s crotch – even if the subject was another man.

When shown a photo of admittedly strapping George Brett (pictured right), women locked onto his face. Men couldn’t help checking out his package.

That CLICK you hear is every homophobe now logging off this site.

The study however, concluded that these peeks weren’t a sign of sexual attraction (in most cases… I mean, who are we kidding?). They were a natural response for men to check out the competition. (And just to put your mind at ease guys, he wore a cup.)

We men glance down when looking at a woman for the obvious disgusting reason but the key here is that it can’t be helped! Please consider that the next time you haul off and slap us into next Tuesday.

The survey continues:

Both groups were asked to look at photos of puppies on the American Kennel Club’s site. Women focused on the cute puppies’ big brown eyes. Men’s eyes STILL drifted south towards the dogs’ genitals.

So here are the conclusions I’ve arrived at: Somehow I feel vindicated..

and really creepy.

The BONANZA theme

One of the favorite CHEERS teasers is the one where they sing the BONANZA theme. Here are the lyrics and the actual theme. Sing along.


We chased lady luck, 'til we finally
struck Bonanza
With a gun and a rope and a hat full of hope,
we planted our family tree.
We got hold of a pot full of gold,
Bonanza

With a horse and a saddle, and a range full of cattle, How rich can a fellow be?
On this land we put our brand, Cartwright is the name, Fortune smiled, the day we filed the Ponderosa claim.

Here in the west, we're livin' in the best
Bonanza
If anyone fights any one of us,
he's got a fight with me
Bonanza

Hoss and Joe and Adam know
every rock and pine
No one works fights, or eats,
like those boys of mine
Here we stand in the middle of a grand
Bonanza

With a gun and a rope and a hatful of hope,
we planted our family tree,
We got a hold of a potful of gold
Bonanza

With a houseful of friends where the rainbow ends,
How rich can a fellow be?
On this land we put our brand Cartwright is the name,
Fortune smiled, the day we filed the Ponderosa claim
Here in the west we're living in the best
Bonanza

With the friendliest, fightingist, lovingist band,
That ever set foot in the promised land
And we're happier than them all.
That's why we call it
Bonanza...bonanza.. bonanza..

My baseball picks: 2007

Baseball is back!

Thank God. There’s only so much Arena Football a man can stand. During this busy offseason owners spent ridiculous amounts of money on bums (it’s as if Paramount gave Brian Ben-ben a four picture deal for $178,000,000) and pissed off 200,000 viewers by taking away the In Demand TV package just because there was more profit in it. (If you’d like to run the Yankees, by the way, my son Matt reminds me that Steinbrenner’s daughter is again single.)

But now it’s time to focus on what’s between the white lines and all the other glorious baseball clichés. And so, as Barry Bonds strives to break Henry Aaron’s all-time home run record with fans everywhere hoping he breaks his leg instead falling out of his baralounger, here are my picks for the upcoming season.

I have two in each division – the one who should win and the dark horse. There is such parity these days (i.e. every team has gaping holes) that any team other than Kansas City could sneak in. Even Tampa Bay has improved pitching and should put up a lot of runs. But I’m not picking them. I’m not insane.

National League West:

DODGERS – Best pitching. Should hit six home runs the entire season but they made the playoffs last year with Odalis Perez so they can only be better.

Dark Horse: PADRES – Good young players and David Wells & Greg Maddux (who can also play in the team’s Old Timer’s Game).

National League Central:

CARDINALS – They could win 72 games and somehow they’d still win the division.

Dark Horse: BREWERS – come on, ONE of these years they’ve got to win again. They also now have Jeff Suppan but I’m still going with the law of averages thing.

National League East:

METS -- Stars at nearly every position and Pedro will be back for three starts in September.

Dark Horse FLORIDA – It’s sure not the Phillies who signed rag arm, Adam Eaton (54-45 and injured most of the time) to a three year $24,000,000 contract.

MVP: Albert Pujols (I know, I’m really going out on a limb.)

American League West:

ANGELS – If Colon and Vlad-daddy are healthy, see ya in October.

Dark Horse: SEATTLE – Okay, I just love my Mariners.

American League Central:

DETROIT – Even without Kenny Rogers, the best rotation in the division and Carlos Guillan. Tiger fans must hope that team-cancer, Gary Sheffield doesn’t cause club to implode.

Dark Horse: INDIANS – Very talented and much improved. Perhaps a return to the glory minutes of the 90’s.

American League East:

RED SOX – Great rotation and Papelbon returning to closer role. Their big problem: filling those 120 games J.D. Drew misses due to scraped knee.

Dark Horse: BLUE JAYS – Despite that stupid team name. Getting better every year. No one in America knows because no one in America cares.

MVP: David Ortiz (finally!)

And if you don’t think I’m a master at baseball predictions, just look at my dark horse picks last year. I’m dangerous!

NLW – Giants
NLC -- Astros
NLE -- Phillies

ALW – Rangers
ALC – Indians
ALE – Blue Jays.

PLAY BALL!!!!

Whodaguy Hawaii

From time to time I like to introduce you to some super talented people you might not know. Meet Ron Jacobs. He is not a screenwriter. But he is the James L. Brooks of radio. And one of the few creative geniuses I know.

A typical Ron Jacobs story. He was 21, working at a radio station in his native Hawaii in 1957. Elvis was coming to town for the first time. Jacobs learned that Presley’s entire entourage would be staying at the Hilton Hawaiian Village one floor below his radio station. However, Colonel Tom Parker made it very clear that Elvis was not giving interviews or appearing in public before his shows.

So Ron decided to create a fake Elvis. He got an impersonator (the first), drove him around Honolulu while station personnel “reported” his whereabouts from mobile units (pay phones). There were practically riots. Ron even crashed into Honolulu Stadium with his “King” just before a football game and caused mass hysteria there.

They finally got back to the station, were practically doubled over with laughter when they got a call – from the Colonel. He wanted to see them immediately.

Jacobs and accomplices went downstairs as if going to the gallows. But Parker, the consummate showmen, appreciated a good stunt when he saw it, introduced Ron to Elvis, he got to emcee the concert, and a lifelong friendship with the Colonel and E. was formed.

When Ricky Nelson was the flavor of the month and wouldn’t go on the air for an interview, Jacobs had an imposter go on and staged a fist fight with him. Back in the states, Ozzie Nelson went bat shit.

In the mid 60’s Ron was the program director of KHJ, “Boss Radio” in Los Angeles. That station changed the entire course of Top 40 radio and was a major influence on the music of the decade. While there he created the 48 hour “History of Rock & Roll”. Today if a radio station gets a 3 share that’s huge. “The History of Rock & Roll” was getting 33 shares. That's "final MASH" type radio numbers.

He left KHJ to start a syndication company and created a little show called “American Top 40”. He went back into radio in the 70’s, this time taking the album rock format to new heights. Looking for a way to promote his new station he created “The San Diego Chicken”.

Oscar Levant once said, “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity and I have erased that line.” Ron has obliterated it. A typical conversation with RJ will go from astute observation, to mad rant, to expert analysis of the Los Angeles Rams (he refuses to accept that they’ve moved). to a lyrical discourse on the beauty of Hawaii. to Harrison Ford (who was once his carpenter in Laurel Canyon). to eastern religion. to the tits on a certain CNN anchor, and then in no particular order – a prediction on the future of technology so insightful you’d think he was Steve Jobs, a tirade on how he can’t get his George Foreman to work, an anecdote about Elvis, a take on the current pop culture, Don Ho, NFL collectibles, family values, recounting the morning of Pearl Harbor, Barack Obama, Robert W. Morgan, jail time in the Orient, and Carla Gugino. Usually all in a two minute span.

Hawaiian listeners (like Obama growing up) have had the pleasure of hearing all that over the years as Ron was a disc jockey on a number of stations (with the nickname Whodaguy).

Now he is about to launch a new venture – an internet radio station, WHODAGUY HAWAII. I’ll post the link when it’s up.

Starting 7-7-7 (according to Ron, a very lucky day, The number 7 has held special significance from the time of the ancient Babylonians, who revered the seven sacred planets – of course now we’re not sure how many damn planets there are…but I digress…), RJ will be broadcasting live for four hours and repeating the show throughout the day. He’ll be featuring an eclectic mix of Hawaiian, and every genre he’s ever programmed (meaning everything other than Gregorian Chants). But the real attraction will be hearing vintage/non diluted/100% proof/probably even wackier than ever Ron Jacobs on the air.

When I spotlight writers I always have the advantage of being able to post samples of their work. I’ll remind you when 7-7-7 comes along because this guy you’ve got to hear.

Mahalo.

The singing dancing Army Reserves

Watching those Army Reserve recruiting commercials during the NCAA tourney I couldn’t help thinking that must be a tough sell. But at least the USAR is farming out their campaign and not trying to do it in-house. They’ve tried that in the past. I was a part of one such brainstorm.

Staging a musical.

Back in the 70’s I was in an Armed Forces Radio Reserve unit (my draft number was 4) and to get reservists to re-enlist some General had the brilliant idea that maybe a stage show of singing, dancing weekend warriors with no training or talent would entice them to sign up for another six years. This same General had devised battle strategy for Viet Nam.

Our unit was assigned this task. A group of us had three days to write an entire musical. I wrote several sketches with fellow reservist Joel Siegel (Yes, the same Joel Siegel who reviews movies on GOOD MORNING AMERICA.) We chose a take-off of WEST SIDE STORY. Our songs included “Re-Up” (“I just met a soldier who re-upped…”), “I Feel Pity” (for anyone not making that extra forty dollars a month), “Officer Candidate”, “When You’re a Troop” (you’re a troop all the way, from your first cigarette till your last grade in pay), and “Somewhere” (“Sign your name and you’re halfway there, a pension waits and is yours to snare”) I still can’t look Stephen Sondheim in the eye. When the army says it will teach you a skill I never thought it would be soft-shoe in combat boots.

For the next THREE years five of us fighting thesps went around to reserve battalions on the west coast and performed this extravaganza, usually to crowds of 200 utterly mystified soldiers who sat wide-eyed with their jaws scraping the ground.

Today shows are preceded by an announcement to turn off your cellphones and beepers. Before our shows the audience was warned that hecklers would be disciplined. And even with the threat of having to scrub toilets with a toothbrush many were compelled to lob verbal grenades our way.

Once, in the middle of the “I Want to Serve in America” dance number, I remember thinking if we did this in Alabama they would storm the stage and kill us.

I guess the USAR figured the mens (sic) would respond to an all-star Bob Hope type USO show. They didn’t realize however, that there is a big difference between Ann Jillian (pictured right) and Ken Levine in a wig.

I’d say roughly 4,000 bewildered grunts saw this show performed. The number of troops who re-upped as a result? Zero.

As a result, the project was scrapped before we could “bring it in” to New York, as they say. It's one thing for a show to close in New Haven. But the 23rd Armory in El Centro?

It was very disappointing. The least a young man can expect after eight weeks of rigorous basic training is a Broadway career.

Oh well… I pass the baton and Ann Jillian wig to Madison Avenue. But if you decide the problem was not the idea but the show we selected, I’m happy to consult when you stage WICKED.

American Idol results

A quick rundown on the AMERICAN IDOL results show then a new post about Cheers.

The question everyone is asking again is how can Sanjaya not be the one going home?

Don't blame the tweeners for voting for him. I'm sure he's a big favorite among prison inmates too.

And I wonder if the numbers you call to vote are outsourced... to India perhaps????

Gwen Stefani rocks!!

How soon until someone sells those Sanjaya Road Warrior wigs and Britney Spears buys one?

I'm trying to think of which rock star wore his hair in a ridiculous mohawk... oh yeah, now I remember. Randy Jackson in Journey.

What was with Paula and the Hansel & Greta look? If the band started playing "Ooom-pah, ooom-pah, ooom-pah, ooom-pah" I bet she would have climbed on the desk and begun yodeling.

Next week is Tony Bennett and classic American standards. If Haley Scarnato is smart she'll wear that halter top even if her song is "Get Me to the Church On Time."

The best part of the results show by a thousand miles is the Ford commercials.

I'm going to miss Chris Sligh. Maybe he can show up next year on LOST as Hurley's brother.

I can't until next week when Sanjaya makes us all forget about Sinatra.

G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry

A reader on Monday mentioned the CHEERS where Sam becomes a local TV sportscaster. My partner David and I wrote that episode in knee jerk reaction to the idiotic schticks most sportscasters had. (Of course now it’s only gotten worse). So Sam felt he needed a gimmick and tried a few on the air. Here are his last two.

ANGLE – TV

SAM
I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that “old squares” like me shouldn’t be doing the sports. Well, Corky, tonight’s commentary is directed right at you.

He picks up a ghetto blaster and pushes a button. Rap rhythm begins and San begins rapping to it.

SAM
(RAPPING) It’s time to rap
about a controversy
Gonna take a stand,
I won’t show no mercy.
A lot of folks say
Jocks shouldn’t be
A doin’ the sports news on TV.
But I don’t want
To hear the latest scores
From a bunch of old broad-
Casting school bores.
The guys on the diamonds
And the fields and courts
Know a heck of a lot more
About real sports.
So get your scores
From a guy like me
Who knows the meaning of words
Like “groin in-ju-ry.”
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry. Joanne?

She stares at Sam for a beat, then opens her mouth as if to say something, changes her mind and turns to Dr. Buzz.

JOANNE
Dr. Buzz, is there any late word on that hurricane off Galveston?

BACK TO CHEERS

Norm, Cliff and Carla have their heads on their arms on the bar.

WOODY
(TO HIMSELF) G-g-g-groin injury… catchy.

And then…in a later scene….

ANGLE ON TV SCREEN

JOANNE
Well, ready or not, here’s tonight’s “’I’ on Sports” commentary with Sam Malone.

Sam pulls up a little dummy who looks like him and is dressed exactly like him. He does ventriloquism in a high voice, pronouncing certain words differently so his lips won’t move.

SAM
And don’t forget Lil’ Sam.

LIL’ SAM
That’s nee! (SIC)

BACK TO BAR

CARLA
Oh my God.

REBECCA
If either of them mentions the bar I’m suing.

ANGLE ON TV

SAM
I think the Red Sox are making a big mistake dipping into their farm system, trading away young players for veterans who can only help them for a season or two. Don’t you agree Lil’ Sam?

LIL’ SAM
No. You’re full of hooey. If I’m taying five ducks to get into the dalltark I want to see them win. NOW!

SAM
Oh, what do you know? Your head’s wooden.

LIL’ SAM
Well, your lits are nooving.

SAM
At least I don’t have an arm up my back.

LIL’ SAM
Or a drain in your head. (LAUGHING) Yak-yak-yak.

SAM
Well, that’s two guy’s opinions.

LIL’ SAM
Joanne?

ANGLE ON JOANNE whose mouth is wide open. She’s staring, speechless.

American Idol this week

Getting it out of the way first, Sanjaya, with the new mohawk hairstyle is now just the Gimp from PULP FICTION. How long can Howard Stern fans keep him on the show? And I didn’t see the point in Sanjaya changing the lyric. Who is he kidding? He might just as well have sung it as written: “You’re my kind of man”.

Gwen Stefani looked so…wholesome. She could have won the Sandy part in GREASE. I worry about her singing on the results show however. The Gods of Appearance have not been kind to previous celebs this season. Fat-asia, Kellie Parton Pickler, Diana Ross (although she always looks ghastly), and last week Lulu’s attempt to have us believe she was still 17 was a shocking cry for help.

Why does Ryan Seacrest get a standing ovation? I mean, he’s very good but he’s no Howie Mandel.

I’m afraid Chris Sligh is going home. Sanjaya should be of course – in fact he should be voted off retroactively and Antonella reinstated – but of the humanoid contestants he was the weakest this week.

I am very worried. I actually agreed with Paula. Gina did give her best performance.

I would LOVE to see Bob Dylan as the guest star one week. He would coach the kids and they would all say, “What?” “Huh?” “Could you repeat that?” “What did he say?”

And since Paula can only parrot what the guest says, it would be fun to hear her say to a finalist, “Like Bob said I think, you were either great or terrible.”

When the judges were telling Haley they thought her song was safe what they were really saying was, “Go back to the halter top!!!”

Phil Stacey looked jaunty in that Myra Loy hat. The judges are always stunned when they find themselves paying him even the tiniest compliment. He’s the one who should be insecure, not Melinda.

And is it just me, or is Melinda’s “Golly, gee, shucks” act starting to look a little transparent? How can someone who has such total command and stage presence when singing turn into Peter MacNichol the minute the song is over?

No beatboxing from Blake. He’s saving it for standards week when he sings “The Shadow of Your Smile”.

How soon we forget. Quick! Can you name this voted-off contestant?

Jordin gets the entire Catholic School vote with that outfit. All that was missing was pigtails. She sang that Gwen Stefani song better than Gwen Stefani.

Have you noticed that the hoop earrings the girls are wearing get bigger and bigger? A tiger could have jumped through Jordin’s this week.

My biggest laugh of the week: When Ryan said, “Coming up, Chris Richardson with another No Doubt smash” they cut to the judges and Simon clearly mouthed, “Oh no!”

Every song Chris Richardson sings sounds the same. And for the record, Simon was right.

AMERICAN IDOL has announced that in April they are expanding the results show to an hour. So we’ll all be fast forwarding through 56 minutes instead of 26. I can just hear the conversation between the producers and the network:

“What could we possibly do to pad an entire hour?”

“Who cares? You’re replacing TIL’ DEATH.”

Speed dating for writers

A question I’m always asked is “how do you find a writing partner?”. I met mine in the army but I sure don’t recommend that method. The WGA has come up with a nifty idea. Speed Dating. Just like the social version with the same success rate of getting laid. Every so often the Guild sponsors evenings for writers looking for that perfect scribe mate. I’ve never been to one of course, but I imagine you hear some pretty wacky responses. As a public service, so you don’t make these gaffes, here are few of the responses I would not want to hear. (I'm sure you can think of some more yourself.)

Dennis Miller is funny now. He never used to be but he is now.

We can work at my place. I live in Bakersfield.

Hey, hey, don’t touch my Naomi Watts photos! They’re not bothering you.

I can work anywhere any time. In fact, if you’ve got a couch I could crash on, that would be sweet.

If I could go back and work on any classic sitcom from the past, it would have to be MAMA’S FAMILY.

You would be…let’s see…my eighth partner.

I’m really good at editing. You pitch me ten ideas and I can tell you which is the good one.

It's nothing personal. I don't look anyone in the eye.

Do graphic comics count as books I’ve read?

Look, if you didn’t go to an Ivy school I don’t even know why we’re talking.

Everyone who’s read my script thought it wasn’t funny. That’s why I need a partner.

I do my best work between 2 and 4 A.M.

First things first -- who gets top billing?

Let’s work at my place. That way I can watch my twins. They just started walking!

You don’t remember? You slept with me at the Sundance retreat and never called me back, you shit!

I have a spec ELLEN I could show you.

This rubber band? Whenever I start feeling this building smoldering rage my shrink says play with this rubber band. Does it bother you?

There’s a British version of THE OFFICE?

You have beautiful hair. Can I touch it?

Do you have a cigarette?

How long have I fucking been writing? Fuck knows. But I guess it was, fuck, I dunno, some fucking time around the end of last fucking year or some shit.

The only thing is… I don’t drive.

I took Robert McKee’s class twice. So I kind of see myself as an expert on story.

Would you take my hands and join me in a prayer?

Okay, well…if you’re here and I’m here it’s pretty clear our partnership isn’t working.

Tomorrow: my weekly AMERICAN IDOL review/autopsy.

Cheers -- the Russian poetry corner

Thanks for all the nice comments on our spoof of depressing Irish folk songs for the St. Patrick’s Day episode of CHEERS. It’s a comedy well my partner, David and I have dipped into before. Here’s a scene of ours from a first season episode of CHEERS called "Any Friend of Diane's". Diane’s college chum Rebecca (played by Diane runner-up Julia Duffy -- pictured left) comes to visit the bar. Imagine a sitcom today being allowed to do this run.


INT. BAR – DAY

Diane and Rebecca are chattering away in French. They laugh together. Rebecca’s laugh turns into a sob, and she buries her face in her hands.

DIANE
Rebecca, something’s wrong.

REBECCA
You always saw through my façade of gaiety… Elliot and I have parted.

DIANE
No. You and Elliot? Rebecca, you two were together forever.

REBECCA
I know. I know. It all started when Elliot got his doctorate in ichthyology. His eye began to wander, and the next thing I knew he had taken up with a young student he met on a squid expedition.

DIANE
A doctorate changes a man. Rebecca, there’ll be others. In the meantime you have your work.

REBECCA
You’d think so. I used to find enormous comfort translating Russian poetry. But no more. Even when I went back over my favorite, Karashnikov’s “Another Christmas of Agony”, it failed to soothe me. (RECITING) “Mischa the dog lies dead in the bog. The children cry over the carcass. The mist chokes my heart, covers the mourners. At least this year we eat.”

DIANE
Well...If that didn’t pick you up, I’m at a virtual loss.