The ALMOST PERFECT pilot

You've heard me talk about it for two and a half years. Now, finally, through the wonder of YouTube, here is the pilot of ALMOST PERFECT (created by Robin Schiff, David Isaacs, and me). Later in the week I'll fill in some background but now, for the first time in years, here's the pilot that led to two seasons of ALMOST PERFECT.

Some things to look for:

Do you understand who the characters are and what their relationships are to each other?

By the end of the show, do you know what the main characters want?

Can you follow the story?

Based on this pilot, do you get the sense of what the series will be about?







Tomorrow: AMERICAN IDOL recap

Open letter to anyone producing a sitcom pilot

For those of you lucky (or unlucky) enough to have your pilot ordered you are now in the toughest part of the process – casting. These are the most crucial decisions you will ever have to make on your project. Everything else can be fixed. Scripts can be rewritten, scenes re-shot, set dressing changed. Even your premise can be altered. But if your actors suck you are dead.

The only thing worse is that the actors suck, you get picked up anyway, and then you are dead and sent to a hell reserved for Hannibal Lector and the guy who created WINDOWS 98.

So may I make one suggestion? It sounds incredibly obvious but you’d be surprised.

HIRE FUNNY PEOPLE.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Sorry you waiters at the Cheesecake Factory but there are not that many really funny people out there.

And there is the growing ham fisted network interference that attempts to take the casting decisions right out of your hands and give away your prize parts to old retreads or J. Crew models. More important than comic chops to these networks are good teeth and breasts that test well.

But that’s not what YOU should be looking for. You want people who are funny. And beware. There are enough good actors in Hollywood who are skillful enough to know where the jokes are and how to get them. You can be fooled. So don’t just go by the reading.

Go by the look, the attitude, their body language, their voice. They are intangible qualities but you can spot them right away. Just look at the cast photos of MY NAME IS EARL and THE OFFICE. Then compare them with say the Americanized version of COUPLING.
Good rule of thumb: if someone walks into your office and you immediately want to write a new half page of dialogue for him or her, that’s who you hire.

And as for the network battles? Sometimes they’ll be won over too. Laughter is a great selling point. And then there will be those times you’ll hear, “Yeah, he’s funny but…” Just remember – there ARE NO BUTS. You can be diplomatic, praise them for their choice of actors but suggest they might be even more wonderful in that exciting new procedural pilot they have where a special team solves crimes by looking at cremation remains. But at the end of the day you want the funny choice, even if he’s not known. Sometimes it’s BETTER that he’s not known.

Producing a pilot is like one man facing an army. There are constant battles and it’s always hard to know which ones to fight. But this is the big one. Fight to the death for funny.

Just imagine SEINFELD with William Devane as Kramer and Kim Ravers as Elaine.

Best of luck with your project. I'm not going to hope it's good. I'm going to hope it's close to your vision.

TOMORROW: a pilot surprise!!!

Reality shows I'd like to see

Now that we’re in May, networks start carting out their reality shows for the summer. People locked in a room, AMERICAN IDOL with inventions, etc. So as a public service, here are a few of my suggestions for reality shows:

DONNER PARTY SURVIVOR: every week the losing tribe votes someone off the island then eats them.

THE BOSS – interning for George Steinbrenner thus combining the Apprentice with Fear Factor.

CELEBRITY POSSE SWAP – Bette Midler’s fag hag entourage switches with Alan Iverson’s.

TIGHTROPING WITH THE STARS – Just because.

JOE WELFARE – Women with bad judgment compete for Mr. Wrong.

THE UNBELIEVEABLE RACE where people from Iowa have to take the subway from Woodlawn to Bay Ridge.

CELEBRITY MAKEOVER where every week Diana Ross gets something else done, and finally:

THE BACHELOR IN PRISON. Be careful where you put the rose.

TV's 50 best comedies...or so they say

Heading home from Chicago. It’s a great town and the next time I’ll have to stay for more than 18 hours.

AOL just announced their list of “TV’s 50 Best Comedies”. Nice that I’ve been associated with some of them but in general the rankings in this list is absurd. Granted, these things always are. And who knows who determined these rankings? Could be a couple of staffers recently reassigned from the NASCAR desk.

If you gave this list to 100 people I’m sure you’d get a 100 different rankings. So what are your thoughts? Here are some of mine.

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW only number 33?

WILL & GRACE is higher than TAXI?

I LOVE LUCY only number 9? Say what??? And ROSEANNE number 8?

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND is last? And LEAVE IT TO BEAVER is not even on the list? Yet GOOD TIMES is?

No mention of THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW. Or THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. Or BEVERLY HILLBILLIES. Or BEWITCHED. If animated shows count, where are THE FLINTSTONES? And I’m sure I missed a few others.

What do you all think?

Your Q's, my A's

I'm off to Chicago for the night. My daughter Annie is the head sketch writer for the big annual Nortwestern student produced revue (the Waa-Mu Show). All of Evanston is buzzing about it.

In the meantime...

Got an email from Jamie Frevele, a new friend I met after she wrote a piece on the HuffingtonPost ripping my AMERICAN IDOL recap from last week. In her email she asked some great questions that I thought would make a nifty post. If you have questions send ‘em in. Happy to answer whether I know what the hell I’m talking about or not.

Do sitcom writers ever look at writing episodes as if they're one-act plays, just with the same characters? And do any of them have theater backgrounds?

I can’t speak for all sitcom writers but for myself, depending on the show, I will think of a multi-camera show as a one-act play. FRASIER for example. To me that show was as good as anything on Broadway. And when I was writing it I would imagine the live performance night, not the edited version ultimately shown on TV.

CHEERS was a little different. I always thought of CHEERS as a radio play. Director James Burrows used to say you didn’t have to watch CHEERS to enjoy it. You could derive a lot just by listening to it.

Many television writers – comedy and drama – come from a theatre background. From Aaron Sorkin to Joe Keenan. There’s no greater training ground. Which is great because in most cases there’s also no money.

Who was your favorite character to write?

I loved Hawkeye but if I had to choose one I’d say Frasier Crane. Especially when he was angry. It was like writing an intellectual Daffy Duck.

What show do you wish you could still write for?

I always loved writing CHEERS. David and I wrote 40 episodes over the years and I never tired of writing it. The characters still could surprise me. I loved writing MASH but in my heart of hearts I knew that on my best, most inspired day, I could still never write the show as well as Larry Gelbart. Even today after many more years of experience under my belt.

Which show would you want to write for now (whether you feel it's amazing and you want a piece of it or because you think it's godawful and needs help)?

I would never want to write a show I didn’t like. If it’s too hard to even watch it, I sure don’t want to subject myself to writing it. There are series I WISH I had written for. TAXI, SEINFELD, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. But among current shows, at this point, I would want to stretch myself and try something new. Maybe one of the hour dramas. I don’t want to say which ones because I don’t want it to seem like I’m trolling for an assignment.

Same for directing, although I’d want it to be a show where I feel I personally could really make a contribution. Oh who am I kidding? I’d love to do THE L-WORD.

And what is your feeling on hour-long "dramas" that incorporate as much comedy as a sitcom (like Bones, Ugly Betty, Ally McBeal being one of the first)?

Fine if they’re genuinely funny. Some of the biggest laughs I’ve had this year have come from HOUSE. When patients aren’t coughing up their livers or bleeding from their eyes it’s really quite amusing.

A-Paula-ing

Wow! They didn’t even try.

I was so looking forward to the bullshit spin AMERICAN IDOL would concoct to explain away Paula’s idiocy from the night before and they didn’t even try. Ryan merely said the judges were thrown a curveball and that the online rumors weren’t true. Uh, what rumors would those be, Ryan?

I could just imagine the producers getting together earlier in the day trying to dream up a plausible explanation.

“We can say we threw them a curveball.”

“Yeah, yeah! A curveball. That’s good.”

“But wait a minute. Isn’t giving them a curveball only a problem when we ask them to do something more, something that they weren’t prepared for? Telling them to just sit there shouldn’t really throw them.”

“Even Randy seemed to get it.”

“Shut up! We’re going with curveball.”

“We did ask them to take notes. That’s new.”

“Didn't anyone check to see if Paula could read or write?”

“I did.”

“And…?”

“Her agent wasn’t sure but was going to get back to me.”

“What?! You gave that woman a pen without confirmation that she knew how to use it? My God! She could have eaten it, used it to clean her ears. Who knows?”

“You’re right. My bad.”

“Her death would have been on your hands!”

“Please, I feel bad enough suggesting Andrew Lloyd Webber week.”

“Look, she could take notes, we could give her notes, that still doesn’t explain how she could watch Jason sing one song and think it was two.”

“What about sleep deprivation?”

“Already used it.”

“Bad reaction to cold medicine.”

“Meaning what? She sneezed out her brains?”

“What if we say she was drunk… but with an explanation.”

“Which would be…?”

“Um….she was coming from her Passover seder and had to drink four glasses of wine.”

“Passover was over last Sunday.”

“She doesn’t own a calendar.”

“Or can’t read one.”

“Guys, let's face it. Any road we go down still leads to the same place. Cretinville.”

“Okay, how about this? We just insist it never happened.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? You’re not working in the White House anymore!”

"Right. Sorry."

“Well, I’m stumped.”

“Me too.”

“Same here.”

“Alright. Shit. We’ll just go vague. Say all the rumors about her aren’t true.”

“Come on. They’ll never buy that.”

“Sure they will. They buy it when we say we got 45,000,000 votes last night. And they buy it when we say Jason Castro got more votes than Carly Smithson. They even buy it when we say this is the most talented group we’ve ever had.”

“You’re right. Call Ryan.”

"We could make up ugly smear campaigns to discredit the other judges to take the heat off Paula."

"Again, this isn't the White House."

"You're right. You're right. Let's go with the vague rumors."

“Now, moving on to the next order of business. Who do we vote off this week? Syesha or Brooke?

“Call it in the air…”

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 5 Hey hey Paula!

This was the greatest night of AMERICAN IDOL ever!!!

Paula Abdul actually critiqued Jason Castro’s second song EVEN BEFORE HE SANG IT! And she had SPECIFICS!! This proves two things: Paula Abdul’s brain is not as highly developed as a mollusk's. And two, the judges watch the dress rehearsal and in many cases formulate their spontaneous opinions beforehand.

But offering a DETAILED critique of a performance not yet given... in front of thirty million people? What a colossal embarrassment. And an instant television classic. Let’s face it, it’s finally time for AMERICAN IDOL’S producers to think about replacing her. I hear Miss South Carolina is available.

This was Neil Diamond night and my heart went out to the contestants. How can you possibly do a memorable performance when you have to sing lyrics like “And no one heard at all, not even the chair”?

I knew we were in for an evening of hilarity right off the bat when Ryan narrated that puff piece on Diamond and actually said, “One of his greatest successes came from the movie THE JAZZ SINGER”. I almost fell off the couch. The remake of THE JAZZ SINGER is a legendary Hollywood trainwreck. Neil Diamond, who has never acted, and was 39 at the time, played an adolescent. There’s a scene in which he sings in blackface. It was a movie that not only killed his feature career along with Lucie Arnaz’s. It almost finished off Sir Laurence Olivier’s as well. Yes, one of Mr. Diamond’s “greatest successes”.

As a mentor I thought he was good with the kids although some of his advice was less than helpful. He suggested that Brooke White change a lyric from “I’m New York City born” to “I’m Arizona born” since that’s where she hails from. So she did. But then the next line made no sense – “I’m lost between two shores”. What east coast ocean does Arizona border? Paula? Do you know that one?

Each contestant sang two numbers. One in the first half hour, one in the second (except for Jason Castro who in Paula’s mind sang two in the first half hour and can fly).

Jason did a passable version of “Forever in Blue Jeans” and slaughtered “September Morn”. Why is he wasting his time trying to be a professional singer when he has such a bright career ahead of him as Lisa Edelstein?

David Cook sang two Neil Diamond songs I never heard of. I think they were from Neil’s “Hot August Night—I’m wearing pirate shirts now” era.

Brooke White sang both of her songs in one take. And for the second she resorted to her Steinway crutch. My problem with Brooke now is that at any minute I expect her to have a complete breakdown. Do you want your next American Idol to be strapped to her bed for her own safety?

David Archuleta sang “Sweet Caroline” but as any Boston Red Sox fan KNOWS, you pause for the “oh oh oh’s” and “So good, so good, so good’s”. Otherwise, why on God's green earth would ANYBODY sing that song? Then he did “America” wisely choosing that one over “Crunchy Granola Suite”.

Syesha Mercado wore a hot purple dress this week. I hope it’s enough.

But no one will remember the performances. All anyone will be talking about is Paula Abdul and that incisive critique of a song that no one heard. Not even the chair.

No Forgetting PAULA Marshall...

You know it's pilot season when...

(from Wednesday's Hollywood Reporter:)

Jay Mohr, PAULA MARSHALL and Jaime King have been tapped to star in CBS' untitled Ed Yeager comedy pilot.
AMERICAN IDOL RECAP coming soon.

My boyfriend looks just like a movie star!

One of the staples of romcom is mistaken identity. Comedy comes from the confusion of someone either posing as someone else or someone believing somebody is somebody else. When you watch and hopefully enjoy these farces do you ever think to yourself, “Oh, this could never happen in real life”?

Well here’s one that really did happen. Just last Wednesday, in that always crazy kooky town of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
A guy and his girlfriend were watching a porno movie at 10:30 in the morning in their house. (A far better alternative than THE VIEW). The girl, 20 year old Amanda Moya (pictured above) suddenly thought a certain porn actor who had just entered the scene was in fact her boyfriend. (Wouldn’t he have to resemble the actor in two ways? But I digress.)

She want bat-shit. This is the kind of "previous experience" she must have felt he was obliged to reveal before they moved in together...and had a kid.

Amanda grabbed a large kitchen knife and started chasing him around the house. The terrified look-alike called 911 on his cell as he dodged his knife-wielding beloved.

Wearing only shorts he bolted out of the house and ran down the street for his life, still on line with 911. Meanwhile Amanda followed, hell bent to go all Benihana on him.

He breathlessly told the dispatcher that Amanda had already stabbed him and bitten him on his chest. And then he offered, “She already has battery charges against her. She’s not even supposed to be around me.” (Quick reminder: they live together. And have a child.)

The 911 operator told him to get to a store while she called authorities. (How come you never see this high-speed chase on COPS?) Amanda, with thoughts I'm sure of becoming the next Lorena Bobbitt, remained in hot pursuit.

The victim tells the dispatcher that he sees the arriving cops. But he’s worried they'll just keep heading to his house. The dispatcher says, “Do they see your girlfriend?” He says, “Yes!” She says be sure to point her out. (A crazed woman waving the O.J.-weapon-of-choice isn’t enough to catch a policeman’s attention?)

Amanda was arrested and charged with aggravated assault & battery. Sometimes a happier ending than guy-gets-the-girl is cops-get-the girl.

Watch your local listings. Scheduled for next summer release: SLICE OF LOVE starring Lindsay Lohan, and introducing Rock Hard.

Mosh pit roll call: Buffy, Muffy, Duffy, and Tippy...

How’d you like to be in the mosh pit during an AMERICAN IDOL taping? It’s easy! All you have to do is be a hot coed, get accepted to UCLA or USC, and join a sorority. And you thought all girls in Southern California were blond, beautiful, and swayed in unison.

The show’s producers recruit these sororities. They further orchestrate things by placing the most attractive girls in camera view, instructing them to clap with their hands over their heads (otherwise America doesn’t know they’re appreciative), and choreographing their swaying back and forth.

The New York Times recently blew the lid off this shocking story.

AMERICAN IDOL was accused or almost trying to script the audience’s reaction. How dare they?! But the truth is…

ALL TELEVISION SHOWS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE DO THIS.

There is always a warm-up guy who instructs the audience to be lively, clap loudly, and in the case of a comedy, laugh like an blithering idiot whether you think something is funny or not. And then laugh again just as hard the second or third time when the scene is re-shot. I can think of a couple of shows where the audience members deserve more pay than the actors.

Some sitcoms tell the audience not to applaud when cast members enter scenes for the first time. It takes the viewer out of the "reality" of the story. Other shows encourage it. They want to send the message that you must be watching comic geniuses if they receive that kind of adoration. Watch an old episode of THE JEFFERSONS. The crowd goes bat-shit when neighbor Bentley enters a scene.

On CHEERS we also asked the audience not to go “Awwwwwww” during heartfelt moments or whoop (for any reason). Other series even add "Awwwww's" -- usually whenever there's a cute kid and a puppy in the same scene and comic savior Urkel is nowhere to be found.

Remember that tickets to television tapings are free. So if they ask that you laugh or don't boo when Jason Castro mangles "Itsy Bitsy Spider" it's a small price to pay. And when I was doing the warm-up for CHEERS I could kick myself that I didn't think of that sorority angle.

I've moved to LA. Now what??? Advice for writers

From time to time I get questions from aspiring writers who have thrown all their belongings into their car or rented truck and have made the big move to LA.

QUESTION: I will obviously have to take another job. The best jobs would seem to me to be production assistant (watching a show get made from the inside) and writers assistant (working with someone who knows what they're doing). How do I start looking for work in these areas?

ANSWER: First off, it helps to know somebody. ANYBODY. This is the automatic answer to any question involving industry employment. Don’t sleep with anyone to get one of these jobs. Having to get sandwiches for them is demoralizing enough. Short of a connection, write to every show and offer your services. Write to the production companies and networks too. Find out what writer/producers have development deals. They may need assistants. Do a little homework. Who went to your college? Who’s from your hometown? Who got drunk and sang “My Heart Will Go On” in a karaoke bar one night? Shows start staffing around the beginning of June. New ones are the best. You’re not competing with any returnees.

QUESTION: I'm working under the assumption that PA and WA jobs are entry level. Is this correct? What skills should I emphasize for these jobs?

ANSWER: You are correct. As entry as can be. The pay scale was set by the Triangle Shirt Factory in 1911. For Writers Assistant positions you must be very proficient in computers, can type like the wind, and can hold your tongue when you hear morons less talented than you pitch jokes that people on laughing gas wouldn’t chuckle at. For a Production Assistant -- have a car.

QUESTION: What does a writers resume look like?

ANSWER: There isn’t any standard format that I know of. I think Kinkos provides a few sample templates although they may insist you xerox a thousand copies before they’ll let you see them. It’s pretty basic. List pertinent information. What you’ve written, educational background, any awards, previous experience that might be impressive. Leave out hobbies and special skills. You’re not an actor. We don’t give a shit that you can fence, yodel, or ride a horse.

QUESTION: What other jobs might you recommend that might help me as a developing writer?

ANSWER: A script reader, providing coverage for a studio. Interning at a studio or network in their development or current departments. Mailroom in a talent agency (the Guantanamo prison of show biz). Personal assistant to a writer (if a writer can afford a personal assistant he’s probably somebody and helpless). Network page. Dialogue coach.

QUESTION: Where could I go to get an unbiased critique?

ANSWER: It’s not a question of whether the reader is unbiased. It’s whether he knows a good script from GIGLI. Writing instructors often are a good source. Or fellow writers whose opinions you trust. I’d avoid the folks who want to charge you to critique your script. They’re usually bad writers with gambling debts.

QUESTION: Are there any contests, competitions etc. that you consider legit? For example if you were considering hiring a new writer what contest could they have under their belt which might make you inclined to give them a thumbs up?

ANSWER: A Heisman Trophy. Actually, there’s no one contest that is the Pulitzer of specs. But any competition you win or place highly in is a plus… except maybe PROJECT GREENLIGHT. Winning the Diane Thomas Award from UCLA is pretty big stuff. You would certainly get agent consideration by acing one of these competitions. And whatever prize or bowling trophy you get is keen. If you win a playwrighting contest you might get the benefit of a reading or staged production of your work. That’s way more valuable than a plaque. But ultimately it’s your spec script that is going to sell you.

QUESTION: If I can’t get an entry level job in the industry what are the best jobs to get?

ANSWER: Assuming that while you work you’re going to continue writing specs you need a job that pays enough to live on (duh) and you don’t take home with you after your shift. If you’re writing with a partner you obviously have to coordinate your schedules. Get a gig at Starbucks so you can walk around and see what everyone else is writing. Work at an LAX parking toll booth. That way you only have to use .000001% of your brain. I taught idiots how to be disc jockeys at a Broadcasting School. What a jerk-off job that was. But I was done everyday at 6. And no weekends. The students needed that time to memorize how to announce weather forecasts.

QUESTION: There are sometimes ads looking for screenwriters. Is that something worth pursuing?

ANSWER: I say beware. Usually these are not WGA signatories which means you get screwed. The pay is crap, you have no rights or protection, you’ll work like a galley slave, and chances are the movie will never get made. I know it’s tempting and you’d rather get a job using your skills than putting on a straw hat and serving "cups of dirt" at TGI Fridays, but trust me, your writing time will be better spent crafting a spec, which, if it sells, will pay infinitely more than some laundry magnate’s pet project on the man who invented Sanforizing.

We all have to start somewhere. At times it’s confusing, exasperating, demeaning, and depressing. But when you make it you will look back nostalgically at that period as one of the best of your lives. And for me there’s the added glow that I contributed so much to radio.

I guarantee you will laugh at this scene!

I had the good fortune to direct this episode of FRASIER, called ROZ & THE SCHNOZ. It was brilliantly written by Jeffrey Richman.

The premise: Roz is pregnant and meets the father's parents (played to perfection by Kevin Kilner and Jordan Baker). She is horrified to learn they both have huge noses. Will her baby have one too? This is the dinner party scene when everyone arrives and gets their first look.

There are times when it appears the actors are about to lose it. Those moments are real. David and Jane especially.

It was a tricky scene to stage, finding different ways to do the reveal as each character entered. But at the end of the day I couldn't be happier with the results. I think this is one of those rare scenes where you can watch it over and over again and laugh every single time.

Enjoy. I know you will.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

Guy is jilted and goes on vacation to tropical paradise. Once there, guy finds the woman who jilted him is staying right next door. Guy hooks up with another woman. Awkward scene as the two couples have dinner together. Guy fakes having loud wild sex to make the jilt-ee jealous.

These are scenes from FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL now playing in a theater near you.

They are also scenes from the two-part FRASIER episode “Adventures in Paradise” written by David Isaacs and me fourteen years ago (now playing on a cable channel near you).

That said, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL had several funny Judd Apatow moments and even though the story was paper-thin and it looked like they filmed this “Hawaii” movie in Oxnard I still found it to be a very serviceable romcom (which by today's romcom yardstick is a rave).

The TV spoofs and the “opera” scenes alone are worth the price of (first-showing matinee) admission.

But one thing we didn’t do on FRASIER was have Kelsey Grammer show his willy.

Jason Segal showed his though in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. Several times. There are many euphemisms for penis. You can add one more -- Nakamora (regulars to this blog know what that means).

According to fifteen interviews I’ve read, producer Judd Apatow has taken it upon himself to shatter this long-standing taboo of full-frontal nudity. I guess every man’s gotta have his own sacred crusade. And that’s fine except in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL I didn’t find it funny. Apatow said that during test screenings the audiences just howled during those scenes. Huh? No one in my audience even laughed.

Now don’t get me wrong – I’m all for a good penis joke. The drawings in SUPERBAD were hilarious and how could comedy writing rooms generate humor and self loathing without them? But something happens when you actually see the Full Monty on the screen. The initial reaction tends to be jarring and often times that’s just enough to kill the funny. And when it comes to laughs, size really does matter.

In the movie we wrote, VOLUNTEERS, there’s a scene where Peace Corps supervisor/boy scout/CIA agent John (Tim Thomerson) gives volunteer Beth (Rita Wilson) a small gift to show his affection. We wanted the gift to be a little off-kilter to signal to her that this guy may be a little weird. We discovered that there were these small Burmese statues that had huge penises. The perfect gift from any psychopath.

My partner and I were on hand for some of the editing, watching on a small movieola. There’s a point in that scene where the director had inserted a close-up of the statue. We questioned the wisdom of that. He argued that the audience wouldn’t get the joke if they only saw the statue in a master. Later that week we had a test screening. When this GIANT close-up of a penis filled the entire screen the women in the audience gasped and shrieked. David and I had to leave the theatre we were laughing so hard. Needless to say, the close-up came out.

Did they need to be so explicit in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL? I don't know. Maybe I saw it with an audience of Quakers. For all I know Jason Segal's penis tested better than he did. (I'm sure it tested better than Kristen Bell.) What did you think?

If you loved it, maybe there's time to get Kelsey to do some re-shoots for the DVD re-release.

KOMEDY KONTEST Semi-finalists

Again, congratulations to Doug McEwan, winner of the Komedy Kontest. Also congratulations to Steve Zeoli, cfang19, jbryant,and the always familiar z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0 for making the finals.

These are the other entries the judge liked and considered very seriously. Getting it down to five was a bitch. I’m sure I’m going to receive a few comments saying “this one” or “that one” was better than any of the five finalists but remember, this is all subjective. It’s the opinion of one person (granted, a highly regarded professional but still, just one person). I post these to show that there were a lot of great entries. And again, my thanks to all who contributed.

Ken

Danny had such a fear of commitment that he….

…revealed on the third date his plans for a Star Wars/Start Trek/He-Man themed wedding (ladies choice)

… just had his 13th sex change operation.

…abandoned every blog comment before fini...

...began his prayers with "To whom it may concern..."

... had "Whatsername" tattooed on his bicep.

... changed his name to Undecided Voter and moved to a purple state.

… signed his love letters “anonymous”.

...only dated Alzheimer's patients.

...booked his honeymoon flight on American Airlines.

... would only watch new TV Series starring Jason Alexander.

…refused to take his parents' name.

…only dated fictional characters.

…was never married to the mob, they just kinda hung out together.

...was murdered by customers behind him at Baskin-Robbins.

…only dated women on death row.

…refuses to read "Us" Magazine.

...only eats waffles.

...spends every Tuesday night dialing 1-877-IDOLS-ALL.

…named his cat "we'll see how it goes"

... would say, "I'm seeing someone else" if he was stranded with a blond on a desert island.

…only yells “NO DEAL” at the T.V.

…never took the wheels off of his trailer house.

…could crash weddings to cure his hiccups.

...said "Runaway Bride" was his favorite movie.

...made his outgoing answering machine recording a break-up message.

…dated only the skinniest pale women in the crackhouse.

...stopped eating cereal because every box claimed "some settling may occur".

…keeps introducing Marcy as his first wife.

…was recently featured on the program "Switzerland's Most Wanted."

…broke up with his speed dates before the 8-minute buzzer.

... got married but still lives with his parents.

BONUS!!!

Professional comedy writer Lenny Ripps was given this same assignment. Here's his response. (Lenny was not the judge, by the way).

Danny had such a fear of commitment that his bathroom towels were labeled "His" and "Whores".

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 6

If AMERICAN IDOL is all about people trying to make a name for themselves by covering other artists’ work, then who better than Andrew Lloyd Webber to be this week’s celebrity mentor?

In general I thought this was one of the better weeks, which is usually the case when the contestants have to sing songs with real melodies. Okay, a lot of the notes were lifted from Giacomo Puccini but still, they were actual compositions (as opposed to last week’s screechfest).

Jason Castro didn’t know “Memory” was sung on stage by a cat. I guess the fact that it was from the musical CATS wasn’t enough of a clue for him. What a complete moron. He sang the song not as a cat but as roadkill. Could be going home this week to resume his career as a village idiot.

But Syesha Mercado – hubba hubba!! I’ve never been a fan before but zowie – the slinky red cocktail dress, the sultry moves – I loved her. She dirtys up well. Syesha sang “One Rock n’ Roll Too Many” and clearly she has a future in musical theatre. She’d be great as Dorothy in THE WIZ or Gary Coleman in AVENUE Q.

Brooke White’s schtick is that she makes every song so personal, which is why I laughed for five minutes when Sir Andew listened to her rehearse and said “she didn’t have a clue as to what she was singing about.” For the second time in the competition Brooke had a false start and had to begin again. It was one of the few reminders that this was live. But I fear it may cost her. America likes its spontaneity polished and rehearsed. She sang “You Must Love Me”. I think with Webber’s help she finally understood that the true meaning of this song is a desperate plea for votes.

David Archuleta sang “Think of Me” from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, making it his own – and by that I mean turning it into “Beauty and the Beast”. It’s a song normally sung by a woman but we may find out in ten years that it was.

I loved Carly Smithson’s version of “Jesus Christ Superstar”. The key to her staying in the competition is not letting her scary tattooed-covered skinhead husband get on camera. Remember, the kids are voting for AMERICAN IDOL not AMERICAN PSYCHO.

And finally, David Cook did a mesmerizing version of “Music of the Night” from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. He sang it pretty much like Michael Crawford but since no one who votes knows who the hell Michael Crawford is, or PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, or Puccini, or EVITA, or maybe even Jesus Christ (although that could just be Jason Castro), I’m sure they felt David’s version was original.

All in all, good performances and no one sang DON’T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA. I don't think I could ask for anything more...okay, maybe a Syesha wardrobe malfunction. But that's just me.

Below is the winner of the KOMEDY KONTEST. Check it out.

KONGRATULATIONS !!

... Doug McEwan

... whose entry in the KOMEDY KONTEST received the most votes.

DANNY HAD SUCH A FEAR OF COMMITMENT THAT HE...

B...told his mother he "Wanted to see other moms."

Also kongrats to the other four finalists -- Steve Zeoli, cfang19, spike,and z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0. All the entries got a lot of votes. Even E.

A signed AfterMASH script is on its way to you Doug. Perfect for starting that AfterMASH shrine in your home.

Tomorrow I will post all the semi-finalist entries (along with a bonus). Thanks to everybody for participating. This has been a real fun experiment.

Rats jumping sinking ships for other sinking ships

The big industry story at the moment is the insane musical chairs going on between agents and big name agencies. Now that there are so few that it’s hard to merge, the next best thing is to poach each other.

So game on! It’s like Hollywood’s version of “Sadie Hawkins Day”.

Particularly vulnerable is UTA. Rumors abound that their star agents are defecting to other tenpercentaries. Other rumors say that no one is leaving. Anyone who believes those rumors also believes that David Spade can still open a movie.

So if you’re sending a script to an agent this week better play it safe. Make five copies and send it to him at CAA, William Morris, Endeavor, ICM, and UTA. And just for good measure, make five more and send them to CBS, NBC, Fox, HBO, and the New England Patriots (one reliable source says a UTA agent has been traded to the Pats for their third pick in today’s draft).

What this all means is this: Now when I call my agency not only will they not who I am, they won’t know who my agent is either.

I love this town!

Winner of the Komedy Kontest and my AMERICAN IDOL recap follows late tonight.

Me and my good buddy Jackie Chan

Last day to vote in the Komedy Kontest. And you don't have to be from Pennsylvania either.


When you think of Dodgers and "Jackie" only one name comes to mind.

Jackie Chan.

Recently Jackie Chan threw out the first pitch at Dodger Stadium. Beforehand I interviewed him briefly. It was supposed to be an intimate one-on-one. Instead it became a rather crazed sixty-on-one. A hundred Asian media people surrounded us with microphones and TV cameras. I was probably on Beijing Eyewitness News. Except, now that I think about it, my questions were rather bizarre. I imagine these reporters listening back to the interview going "Huh???" This was recorded down on the field and at one point security people moved us all, adding yet another element of goofiness.

Click To Play

This aired on our KABC Sunday night show followed by a brief discussion imaging how Jackie might fit into a baseball-themed movie. I came up with four possible titles.

FISTS OF FURY IN THE OUTFIELD
FIELD OF NINJAS
BULL DRAGON
PRIDE OF THE FEARLESS HYENA

He's a good guy. A real good sport (considering my questions). And I could easily see him as Lou Gehrig.

Names in scripts

Only two more days to vote in the Komedy Kontest. AMERICAN IDOL gets 30,000,000 votes a week. I'm hoping for twice that many. Okay...I'm hoping for a few hundred.
One of the hardest tasks in any script is coming up with names. They have to sound right, fit the character’s personality and ethnicity. Every writer has a different method for coming up with them. Woody Allen uses names that are as short as possible so he has less to type. For David and I, we tend to use either baseball player names or personal friends.

On MASH we had the added problem of all the patients that rotated in and out of the 4077th. For the seventh season we just used the 1978 Los Angeles Dodgers roster. When you watch those shows you’ll find private Garvey, Cey, Russell, Sutton, Rau, Rhoden, etc. By the end of the season we were down to coaches, announcers (Scully), and even the owner, O’Malley. The year before we had an episode with four Marine patients. They were the then-Angels infield (Chalk, Grich, Remy, Solita). We once wrote a movie about a Club Med being held hostage and maturely used the entire 1960 Pittsburgh Pirates roster.

We also use the names of personal friends. For the “Dancin’ Homer” episode of THE SIMPSONS the minor league announcer (voiced by me) was named Dan Hoard (pictured left), my broadcasting partner in Syracuse. The major league spieler was Dave Glass, my partner in Tidewater (former San Francisco Giant announcer and now mayor of Petaluma.) The Capital City owner who fires Homer was “Dave Rosenfield”, my GM at Tidewater.

In the “Point of View” episode of MASH, the central patient is named “Bobby Rich”. Bobby is a radio personality who hired me in San Diego and is now in Tucson (pictured right). General “Dean Goss” is another former radio chum. For many years he was a morning man at KFRC in San Francisco. The blind patient Hawkeye befriended in “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” was “Tom Straw”, a friend from high school who became a TV writer himself (NIGHT COURT, GRACE UNDER FIRE, THE COSBY SHOW, CRAIG FERGUSON SHOW).

Radar’s girlfriend in “Goodbye Radar” was “Patty Haven”, my former girlfriend. In an earlier episode he was sweet on nurse “Linda Nugent”, a girl I was sweet on in high school. Radar had better luck than I did.

Maybe the happiest married couple I know is Bill & Sherry Grand. So naturally when we needed a couple on CHEERS with a marriage so bad the husband tried to end it in murder we gave them the names “Bill & Sherry Grand”.

Many other writers use this device as well. Scully from X-Files was named for Vin Scully. When she left the show he was replaced by Doggett. Jerry Doggett was Vin Scully’s broadcast partner on the Dodgers.

There was a writing team, Gloria Banta and Pat Nardo who wrote for MTM in the halcyon days. When the producers moved on to TAXI two characters were named Elaine Nardo and Tony Banta. I’m sure there are thousands of other examples. 24 has named various bad guys after network and studio executives.

One time this practice backfired on us. David and I were rewriting MANNEQUIN 2 (believe it or not, the first draft was not perfect). There was a security guard named Andy. We had to give him a last name and since we didn’t want to spend the entire afternoon coming up with one (okay…five minutes) we just used Ackerman. Andy Ackerman is a long time colleague and director (CHEERS, SEINFELD, BECKER, and every pilot that Jim Burrows doesn’t direct). Unfortunately, in later rewrites the character became even more of a complete idiot and the name Andy Ackerman stuck. Ooops. Thank God no one ever saw the movie! And we learned our lesson. Anytime we have a character now who’s going to be a goof we go right to the Clippers roster.

More Mary Tyler

Voting continues for the Komedy Kontest. The fate of an AfterMASH script might depend on YOU.

Thanks to all who liked the scene I posted a few weeks ago from the MARY pilot David and I wrote and unfortunately got on the air in 1985. Here's that post. For those who requested more, here’s another scene. For anyone writing a spec pilot it gives you an example of how to set up characters.

As a refresher, the premise was that Mary (as in Tyler Moore) was a high class fashion writer whose magazine folded. She winds up working at a sleazy Chicago tabloid. This is the scene right after she accepts the job. Tully is a legally blind copy editor. David Byrd plays him. Katey Segal plays Jo Tucker, a Fran Liebowitz type columnist, and John Astin is theatre critic Ed LaSalle.

****
INT. CITY ROOM – DAY

TULLY IS GUIDING MARY TO AN EMPTY DESK IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM.

TULLY
This will be your desk.

THERE’S A DESK FACING HERS AND SHE’S FLANKED CLOSELY BY TWO OTHERS.

MARY
What do I do for privacy?

TULLY
Go home at night.

MARY
Who has the desk facing me?

TULLY
Jo Tucker. Good luck.

HE WALKS AWAY, CROSSING BY JO TUCKER, WEARING A PULLOVER SWEATER AND SLACKS, CIGARETTE DANGLING FROM HER LIPS.

JO
You’ll need it.

MARY
Jo Tucker…isn’t he that nasty bitter man who writes the “Main Line Chicago” column?

JO, NOW SITTING AT HER DESK:

JO
Yes, I am.

MARY
You’re Jo Tucker?

JO
Yes, and I don’t like being called bitter. I prefer…macho. So, you’re going to do the Help Line – solving problems for Chicagoland’s great unwashed. (THEN) You’re not going to keep little stuffed Care Bears on your desk, are you?

MARY
I’m only here until something better comes along. (TO HERSELF) Like a job in a limestone quarry.

JO LIGHTS ANOTHER CIGARETTE WITH THE BUTT OF THE ONE SHE HAD BEEN SMOKING.

JO
Cigarette?

MARY
No. I don’t smoke.

JO
Might as well. You’re going to die sitting across from me.

A VETERAN OF THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS WHO LOOKS LIKE HE’S PROBABLY “HOISTED A FEW” OVER THE YEARS, ED LASALLE APPROACHES.

ED
Ed LaSalle.

HE WAITS FOR HER RESPONSE AS IF SHE SURELY RECOGNIZES THE NAME.

MARY
(SHE DOESN’T) Hello…Mary Brenner.

ED
Ed LaSalle.

MARY
Mary Brenner.

ED
Just wanted to welcome you aboard, Mary Brenner. I’ve lived in Chicago my whole life. The Second City. The Windy City. The Big Shoulders. Hog Butcher to the World. Chi-town, my town. You’re going to love it here.

MARY
I’m from here.

ED
(HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW) Ed LaSalle.

JO
(IMPATIENT) The theatre critic.

MARY
Oh. Of course.

ED
You like theatre, Mary Brenner?

MARY
Yes, yes I do.

ED
There’s a lot of great theatre in this town.

MARY
(TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION) Did you like “Cats”?

ED
Never saw it.

MARY
Oh. How about “Dreamgirls”…?

ED
Uh-uh. Mary Brenner, that’s all commercial pap. I cover the real theatre. Chicago’s theatre. Daring, experimental, the raw side of life. Emotions stripped bare. The refuse of the human condition that can be rated on a scale of one to ten. You know what’s the worst part of being a critic, Mary Brenner?

MARY
Musicals?

ED
No. Most nights I have no one to accompany me. Are you married?

MARY
(IMMEDIATELY) Yes.

ED
How come you aren’t wearing a wedding band, Mary Brenner?

MARY
Well, I’m not…technically married.

ED
Then, it’s the Big D.

MARY
Well, yes.

ED
(LEANS IN CLOSE) Good. Then, it looks like you are going to be (POINTEDLY) “steppin’ out with Ed LaSalle”.

MARY
Well…maybe. We’ll see.

ED
Steppin’ out with Ed LaSalle.

MARY
What?

ED
Steppin’ Ou ---

JO
That’s the name of his column.

MARY
Thank you. (TO ED) And a very clever name it is.

ED
If you need any help in naming your column…

MARY
I know where to come, thanks.

HE MOVES ON. MARY WAVES AWAY THE CIGARETTE SMOKE.

MARY
I don’t suppose I could ask you –

JO
Not if it would end world hunger. I like to smoke. Y’see, by nature I’m a very private person. I don’t care for people or things much, so I keep to myself… mostly in my apartment. It’s a rather dull existence. (HOLDING UP CIGARETTE) So these give me that chance to live life on the edge.

MARY
Have you ever tried cyclamates?

*******

13 and out – which should be the name of our production company.