The Boat that Rocked

Here's the movie I can't wait to see. It'll be out next spring. It's from Richard Curtis who gave us LOVE ACTUALLY, and FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL (a movie that would be in my top five comedies if it weren't for Andie McDowell) and is about subject matter near and dear to my heart -- pirate radio.

In the 60s when the British invasion was exploding in the US, the only radio in England was the BBC and they were playing Mozart and "Cricket Talk". So some industrious folks started pirate radio stations just outside international waters (Radio Caroline being the big one) and gave kids the Wayne Fontana & the Mindbenders and Lulu hits they deserved. This is their story. A story that MUST be told.

If you have memories of listening to Pirate Radio stations, would love to hear them.

And here's the trailer.

nice = death

Hi kids. It’s time for some Friday questions. What’s yours?

Reader John asks:

Ken, what's the hardest type of character for you to write for while making them sympathetic? To me, it seems as through character like Becker, or going way back, Phil Slivers' Ernie Bilko are more difficult to handle, because you've got a character who's jammed full of bad personality traits, but who the audience is still supposed to be rooting to succeed (as opposed to the bad personality trait character in the Frank Burns mode, who's going to get his by the end of every episode).

Actually, the hardest characters to write are the ones who are intrinsically good and have a minimum of flaws. When characters are duplicitous, conniving, lascivious, cowardly, vain, self centered, overly ambitious, lazy, or a Scientologist – now you’ve got comedy gold. Case in point, in MASH it was infinitely easier to write Frank Burns than Father Mulcahy. And if the flawed characters are funny that really takes the curse off of them.

Most actors get that. But some don’t. They’re always lobbying the writers to make them nicer because they constantly want to be seen in a good light. What they can’t seem to comprehend is that “nice”= death in comedy.

From Brian:

What exactly does a show runner do?

He oversees the entire production and essentially provides the voice and creative direction of the show. He hires the writing staff, the crew, the directors. He is in charge of the show’s budget. He approves and breaks the stories, assigns them, rewrites them, and decides when the scripts are ready for distribution. He does all of the casting. Deals with the network and studio. Approves sets, wardrobe, music, the Christmas party, opening titles, webisodes, and in single-camera shows tells the director the style he wants.

During runthroughs he has final say. He can ask for scenes to be re-blocked and override a director’s acting notes. He then has final say on the rewrites. If an actor isn’t cutting it it’s his call to fire him.

During filming of a multi-camera show he determines whether a scene still needs more takes or they can move on. On single-camera shows he is either on the set to make that call or can demand a re-shoot if he’s not happy with the dailies.

He also oversees the editing. The editor and director put together their first cut and then the showrunner is in control. He can change that cut at will, if the show is long he determines what gets cut. He then supervises post production – sound, color correction, music.

If the show has a laugh-track he oversees that process as well.

On the one hand you’re thinking, “Wow! How great! He has tremendous creative control.” On the other, you’re thinking, “Jesus! That sounds exhausting. And he has to turn out a show a week? How the hell does he have time to do all of that?”

Answer: He doesn’t. And that’s the real art of showrunning.

A typical day in show biz

I love this industry. Just a glance at the LA Times CALENDAR section on Wednesday and I learned this:

Woody Allen continues to attract the finest actors of our time for his films. Larry David is starring in his next one. (Since it’s a comedy I hope Woody had the good sense to let Larry improvise… or rewrite the whole thing.)

There will be another HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. So many unanswered questions in the first three. Aren’t the kids like 40 already? Male patterned baldness will be one of the subplots.

Britney Spears comeback “Circus” tour is being considered a rousing success. Thank GOD!! The Times paid her a huge compliment as an artist when they said she “renewed her claim as one of the world’s most adept manipulators of the public interest.” The show appropriately also features jugglers and clowns. If all goes well she hopes to get another record deal and permission to see her kids.

LOST’S Terry O’Quinn is glad to not be dead. That was front page.

Kirk Douglas is glad to not be dead. Also on the front page.

And finally, a university in Liverpool now offers a master of arts degree in the Beatles. Can an academic study of Freddy & the Dreamers be far behind? Serious scholars only need apply (like USC football players). I guess my question is what kind of a job can you get with an advanced degree in the Beatles? Other than maybe picking up Ringo’s laundry I can’t think of one.

I'm on the news

If you live in Los Angeles, I probably will be on the Fox 11 10:00 news as part of their Manny Ramirez-has-signed coverage. They filmed me for an hour hosting Dodger Talk on KABC so I should get a good 8 seconds of screen time.

Unlike Jennifer Aniston, I did not fly my hair guy in from Paris to do my do.

I fully expect to be bumped for a story about a cat who can use the toilet.

AMERICAN IDOL -- the country's most fertile show

To win on AMERICAN IDOL you have to have a good voice, personality, and poor birth control. It seems like every contestant had at least one child.

Flamboyant Nathanial Marshall’s only chance would have been if he stuffed a pillow inside the front of his shirt. If you’re going to do Bette Midler don’t pick a Meat Loaf song. Tonight on the results show he’ll finally have something to really cry about.

Lil Rounds has three kids. So she’s the frontrunner. She’s also an excellent singer but not the second coming like the judges all said. Either they heard something I didn’t or they mistakenly think she has five kids.

Ju’not Joyner (I bet he has a tough time finding souvenir coffee mugs with his name on it) has one kid. I worry though. He also appeared to have handcuffs hanging from his black leather jacket. I hope they’re not used for “time outs”. He too is a nice singer. Or maybe it’s just such a relief to not hear someone belt.

Arianna Afsar could be one of the other contestants' child. She’s 16 going on 13 trying to pose as 30. She attempted Abba’s classic “Winner Takes All”. She didn’t get one note of the melody right and I’m horrified that I know that.

Just because Felicia Barton looks like Marlo Thomas does not make her “that girl”. Felicia originally did not make the top 36 but the producers found out she’s a stay-at-home-mom so they called her back. She won’t need a baby sitter after tonight.

Scott MacIntyre doesn’t have a kid but he’s talented, cute, and blind. That’s easily good enough for the top 5. But if he really wants to win he should call Octomom and she if she’d spare one or two.

Taylor Valfanua could be Octomom and still wouldn’t win. Boring belter. Next!

Kendall Beard is the cute peroxide blond who sings country. So even if she doesn’t have a kid everyone assumes that she does.

The judges compared Von Smith to Clay Aiken and Simon had to remind him it was compliment. Poor Clay. It’s bad enough his record company dumped him this week. Maybe Von Smith and Nathanial Marshall can adopt.

Kristen McNamara was the cute blond. I forgot what she sang while she was singing it. Goldie Hawn took pictures of her to her plastic surgeon and said, “make me look like this”. In two years Ryan Seacrest will do the same thing.












Jorge Nunez has a nice voice but lacks just a bit in the macho department. He cried more than Nathanial.

And finally, there was Alex Wagner-Trugman who set dorks back a hundred years in the cool category. Never dance, Alex. Never! If by some miracle Alex makes it, he’ll be the first rock star ever who can’t get laid.

Who will go on to the next round? I think Lil, Ju’not, and in a big surprise, Carol Brady.

It's coming

My review of tonight's AMERICAN IDOL will appear in a few hours. I'd rather go out to dinner and watch and review it later. Can you blame me?

Hawaii 3-0 part two

Part one here.
Hawaiian sunsets are God’s masterpiece.

Especially on Sundays at Little Beach. Aged hippies take off all their clothes, bang on drums, salute the sun going down, and smoke enough Maui Wowie to withstand looking at each other without any clothes.

Every trip to the islands I check out the local TV news anchors. It’s a revolving door of attractive Hawaiian women who studied journalism in charm school, transplants from Oregon, and Joe Moore. I love Joe. He’s the only newscaster in town with real credibility. And that’s even after starring as Ralph Kramden to Pat Sajak’s Ed Norton in a local stage production of THE HONEYMOONERS. “You know what we do with those terrorists, Alice? I’ll tell ya what we do with those terrorists. Bang! Zoom! Weekend weather is next!”

Rumor has it Hawaii hosted the Pro-Bowl (NFL’s all-star game)! In 2010 the event moves to Miami. In 2013 someone in Honolulu will notice.

But the real excitement was WHEEL OF FORTUNE filming on the islands, with Pat Sajak. “Hell-oooo vowel!”

James A. Michener was inspired to write HAWAII on the islands. My daughter, Annie worked on her spec BIG BANG THEORY.

Do not miss Mama’s Fish House (pictured left). Spectacular cuisine. Frank Sinatra, Aerosmith, and Abe Lincoln have eaten there so you know it’s good. Also try the General Store in Hali’imaile. It’s the best middle-of-nowhere restaurant you’ll ever (hopefully) find. The sashimi napoleon is orgasmic!

Not all Hawaiian music is the same. And a lot of it is gorgeous.

Maui onions cost more on Maui than in Los Angeles.

On the other hand, you get some pretty good deals on wine at Longs Drugs.

Sugar in the raw packets: sugar from Hawaii, packaged in Brooklyn.

A new Wolfgang’s Steakhouse opened on Oahu. And all the big celebrities turned out including Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I kept expecting the time-traveling members of the LOST cast to materialize one day in the Grand Wailea pool. And just before a cabana boy (who is really Sun’s half-brother and used to be Kate in another life) shoots them for not having guest wristbands, poof! They disappear and wind up in 1830 where they help Abe Lincoln build his grass cabin.

There are more Kindles on the beach than books.

What to do when the wind gusts up to 40 m.p.h. – take a whale watching sunset cruise. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a humpback whale… laughing at you.

Spotted on the side of a van: SURF LESSONS – WE SPECIALIZE IN BEGINNERS AND COWARDS

Golf Truism: You can’t pick up a club for the first time in twenty years and expect to hit worth a shit. I was Jerry Lewis in THE BELLBOY with a 5 iron.

I can’t believe how fast the month sped by. Only two days of heavy rain, three of hurricane-like wind, no statewide power outage the entire time, a mere 47 bug bites, and I only got sick once (whale retching). But I am left with cherished memories and from now on every time I see a penny or a five dollar bill I will automatically think of Hawaii.

Aloha,

Hawaii 3-0

Just back from a month in Hawaii. Yes, an entire month. We made these arrangements a year ago under the assumption that the worldwide financial infrastructure wouldn’t collapse. Our bad.

We rented a condo in Wailea, Maui, above a golf course with a breathtaking view of the ocean and Wailea shopping mall. I figured, why stay at one of those fancy luxury hotels when we can just partake of the facilities of all of them? The RICHES go to Hawaii.

When our son Matt learned that our condo complex has no Jacuzzi he said, “What are we, farmers?”

But the unit was lovely. These complexes all have cute names like Ekolu Terrace. We stayed at the E-coli Village.

Do you like great pizza? Then go to Hawaii. Matteo’s on Maui. The reverse is not true. You can’t go to Italy for scrumptious poi.

Nowhere is the air as sweet, healing, and rejuvenating as it is in Hawaii.

You can whale watch from the Four Seasons but you must be a registered guest to see any of them.

Even in paradise there are people with deep-rooted psychological problems. Hence the “Therapy Sports Grille”. A few Mai Tai’s and Pac 10 basketball and Hawaiians are back on the road to mental wellness.

The Barack Obama/Abe Lincoln similarities continue. Both were raised in Hawaii. Both look good in shorts.

Went snorkeling. Found Nemo. Went to Roy’s. Ate Nemo.

This is not a big selling point to me: Alex Air –the only DOORS OFF helicopter tour company on Maui.

Tia Carrere is now singing at a Waikiki hotel. Not surprising. This is my favorite Tia Carrere quote: “I love to sing, so I just figured that I was going to sing or something.”

Scrabble in Hawaii: Humuhumunukunukuapua is a legit word. It’s the state fish and a common nickname.

Did not get to Hana. The only way in is through a treacherous road that zig-zags over 56 one-lane bridges and snakes around more than 617 hairpin turns. If God Himself greeted you at City Hall with a lei I wouldn’t make that drive.

Nor did I see the sunrise at Haleakala. But did get a report from someone who did. A bus picks you up 2:30 in the morning. You drive an hour and a half to the top of this massive shield volcano. By top I mean 10,023 feet. You get out in your shorts, flip flops, and aloha shirt -- it’s pitch black, and 22 degrees (literally). When the sun comes up (two hours later) it will rise to 37. Finally the dawn. It’s breathtaking, awesome, and your teeth are chattering like castanets. You don’t want to even think about the possibility that there’s a YouTube video of this. You get in the bus and go home.

For more fun you can bike down the outside of the volcano… like a rocket on a two-lane winding road that hugs a cliff that’s steeper than those in Road Runner cartoons. Bikers must also negotiate tour buses, vans, and tourists in unfamiliar rental cars. In 2007 there were three biker fatalities. Bike tours (when they’re not suspended) are $100 - $150 dollars. Bring a parachute.

But we did visit quaint Lahaina. Strolled among the charming Crazy-T-Shirt and souvenir soap stores. This bawdy whaling port has not changed in a hundred years. Lahaina also features one of the largest banyan trees in the United States. So a big attraction is shade. For all the hoopla of Lahaina, we found quite a few other smaller, lesser-known little towns that were far more charming and KFC-free. Paia for one (Paia of course is the birthplace of Abe Lincoln).

Another is Makawao. Up country it’s a little cowboy town, specializing in glass blowing – just like Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid used to do. I kept looking for the jail and saloon but alas they’ve given way to art galleries and a market that makes fresh donuts. But get there early. They go fast. There’s usually a shoot out in the town square for the last cruller.

There’s no longer a sheriff but Makawao does have two hypnotherapists and a certified colon specialist.

Overheard in a Paia gas station: A woman asking for cigarettes with “no preservatives.”

Every restaurant in Hawaii serves ribs. Even the vegan restaurants. I bet that colon specialist does a bang-up business.

Part 2 tomorrow. It was a long trip.

Paul Harvey........good day

On Friday night I signed off my radio show on KABC at 7:00 and was followed by Paul Harvey News and Comment. It wasn’t actually Paul Harvey, it was someone filling in for him doing a woeful impression. But I drove away feeling very proud that I was on the same radio station as the great Paul Harvey.

Paul Harvey passed away on Saturday. He was only 90.

I’m sure there will be tributes galore the next few days. They will talk about his influence. For almost 60 years he broadcast on the ABC radio network. At one time he was heard on over 1200 radio stations. They’ll praise the uniqueness of his delivery. They’ll all end their pieces with … “And now you know the rest of the story” thinking that no one else thought of that.

But they’ll probably overlook the one attribute that I think was his real genius. Paul Harvey was the greatest salesman that ever lived. I used to listen to him every chance I got, not for the news, not for the profile of the guy who invented leotards, but for the commercials. He was absolutely spellbinding. He made every product sound like something you just had to have. He was so convincing even I went out and bought Bose speakers and arthritis medicine… and I don’t even have arthritis. (I did stop short of Amway products though.)

I must say I have a soft spot for pitchmen. At State Fairs I always make a beeline to the tent where guys in bad suits and worse toupees are selling car wax and miracle vacuum cleaners. I love hearing their spiels. There’s a genuine art to being persuasive. And I always think, these hawkers are good, but Paul Harvey could sell them a miracle vacuum cleaner, and they know it’s a piece of crap.

What was his secret?

He truly communicated. He talked right to YOU. In words you could understand. He looked straight into your eyes even on the radio. He spoke with conviction, enthusiasm, and all of his arguments made so much doggone sense. Someday I may get arthritis so I better have this stuff just in case.

He ended every broadcast with: “This is Paul Harvey”… and then a beat, “Good day.” Forevermore that beat will be a moment of silence for radio’s greatest newscaster and Madison Avenue’s greatest Mad Man.

You're only as good (or bad) as your last credit

According to imdb.com I was the location manager on DANTE’S PEAK. This is news to me. I didn’t even see DANTE’S PEAK. Yet imdb has it listed and my agent is still pressing me for his commission. Nor was I the Environmental Production Advisor on FLIPPER although I was brought in to punch up his dialogue, and I was not the Location Manager on JURASSIC PARK even though I still write off Hawaiian trips and use Spielberg as a reference. I don’t know where imdb gets this information (I suspect my mother) but I’ve tried several times to get them to correct it but they won’t. So now when I get calls from other Location Managers (which I do) I just recommend our backyard for whatever they need. I’ve made a tidy sum on production rentals.

Worse are some credits they list that ARE true. How many directing assignments have I missed out on because potential employers saw I did multiple episodes of ASK HARRIET? Someone once said you’re only as good as your worst credit. We have shared credit on MANNEQUIN 2 for godsakes!

And then there are the credits imdb omitted that I am proud of. David and I created and produced a show on CBS in ’93 called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin. (Cancelled because they had to make room for the Faye Dunaway comedy and the Peter Scolari comedy. No, I’m not bitter). We wrote on the TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, the TORTELLIS (okay, they were kind to skip that one), and we wrote and “guest starred” in episodes of OPEN ALL NIGHT THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES.

In the MARSHALL CHRONICLES (created by the brilliant Richard Rosenstock), my writing partner David and I played two gay guys at a wedding. This is a series that someone needs to find and put on YouTube.

OPEN ALL NIGHT was created by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (who did the BOB NEWHART SHOW and BUFFALO BILL). They asked us to write an episode. We saw that Jay was also going to be one of the series regulars so we asked if we could be in the show. They said, “Sure, what do we care?” So we wrote ourselves two fabulous parts. We were Sean & Evan, two swinging lawyers trying to pick up female mud wrestlers at a mace class. Tom & Jay didn’t change a word of our dialogue. All they did was add one little sentence in the stage direction:

THE WOMEN GET TIRED OF THESE GUYS AND FLIP THEM OVER THEIR SHOULDERS.

For the entire week of production we were getting thrown around all over the stage. Landing on our backs, landing on our heads. We were black and blue with multiple concussions. I still have a bruise. Finally, after the dress rehearsal just before the filming, Jay came to us and said, “Uh listen boys, we’re going to cut the stunt”.

Not only do I want to see that credit on imdb, I want it listed FIRST!

Nipplegate II: Beyonce

So when Janet Jackson had her "wardrobe malfunction" at the Superbowl a few years ago it caused a huge stir. There was talk of suing CBS for millions of dollars for destroying the lives of America's impressionable youth who were unexpectedly subjected to the shocking sight of Janet Janet's nipple... for less than a second. Live shows were put on delay as a result and our hypocritical puritan nation was shaken to its very roots for months.

Meanwhile, last Sunday on the Oscars (a show seen by billions more people worldwide than the Superbowl) Beyonce exposed her nipple for a fraction of a second and the reaction? Nothing.

I think when you see this you'll agree -- American children were traumatized by the sight of Beyonce's nipple, and you're kicking yourself for deleting the Oscar telecast from your DVR menu.

Holy Cow!

Spring Training has begun. So to get you into the mood for baseball here's the irrepressible Harry Caray and his hilarious rant on Crackerjacks.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Marcia Strassman

It’s Friday question time. Leave yours in the comments section. I try to get to as many as I can.

Randall has some questions about end credits:

1. In recent years a lot of television stations have shrunk the end credits in order to show promos for their upcoming shows. Did the stations have to be union approval for this?

2. Some credits go by so fast I don't know how anybody can read them. Conversely, sometimes on talk shows the end credits will stop for a few seconds, apparently to highlight the name of a staff member or company that has provided a product. Are there any rules / restrictions that regulate how fast or slow credits can crawl?

3. Are stations that show movies or stripped television shows required by contract to show the credits in their entirety?

No, there are no restrictions, which is why networks and stations get away with it. Trust me, if there were union rules this deplorable practice would cease immediately. The trouble is, with there being so many more pressing issues for unions to deal with during contract negotiations this indignity gets lost in the shuffle. Not too many members are going to strike over this.

But it is a huge insult to the thousands of people who work tirelessly to make television shows as good as they are. And it’s bad enough these people have to share a card with thirty others and are up there for maybe a fraction of a second, but they’re expected to go that extra mile and really take pride in what they do while the networks can’t give them so much as a full screen. I say a network executive's name on his parking space should be as large as the smallest credit on his network. That would change things instantly.

From Zach Haldeman:

What is the typical relationship between writers and actors? Naturally the show runner gets to know the actors, but is Star #2 gonna be friends with Staff Writer #5, or even know Staff Writer #5?

Depends on the cast, depends on the staff. But usually the staff writers and the supporting cast tend to gravitate towards each other. Sometimes the cast members are a little intimidated by the show runner or the star of the show is a huge time and energy suck so these supporting players will cozy up to the lower tier writers to get their suggestions and concerns heard.

The ideal situation is when everyone in the cast and on the writing staff feel comfortable talking with each other. And that usually stems from show runners who are receptive to actors’ input and actors who view writers as colleagues not waiters.

And finally: D. McEwan has a M*A*S*H question.

In the movie, The Swamp had 4 residents, who were the primary characters: Hawkeye, Trapper, Frank Burns, and Duke Forrest, played by Tom Skerritt. Duke was as important a character as Hawkeye & Trapper John.

So why was Duke conspicuous by his utter absence from the TV series? I've been curious about this for over 30 years.

Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds felt the need to pare down the number of characters since they only had a half hour to work with. Duke was odd man out. In the original TV pilot there was also a Spearchucker but he too faded into the mist.

Another casualty of war was the lovely Marcia Strassman. She was a regular the first season as Nurse Cutler. She of course went on to play Kotter’s wife, Julie and had to look amused anytime Gabe Kaplan spoke.

Strassman is best known however for her hit record, “the Flower Children” in the late 60s.

The Sunset Strip

Here are more of my reflections growing up a teenage in the 60s in Southern California...

If you were going to drive into the city from Woodland Hills it meant you were “going over the hill”. Whether it be Hollywood or Westwood or even San Diego – it was “over the hill”. And you never went “over the hill” unless you had a real purpose. You’d think we were living on the Ponderosa and had to pack saddlebacks to ride into town for vittles.

But there was a new attraction that the kids were buzzing about. The Sunset Strip. In the 40s and 50s this stretch of Sunset Blvd. between Beverly Hills and Hollywood was nightclub row. Sinatra played there. Sammy played there. Dino even had his own club. These hot spots featured dance floors and palm trees and exotic names like the Macambo, the Trocadero, Casa Manana, and Ciro’s. I was never actually in one of these nightclubs but there were several Looney Tunes that spoofed them so I had a pretty good idea of what went on there thanks to Bugs Bunny.

Now the clubs were starting to cater to young people. Whisky A Go Go led the charge. Some say it was because of the location, others say popular singer Johnny Rivers was the big draw but I contend it was the hot girls in mini skirts dancing in suspended cages that attracted the crowds. Rock groups would stagger down from Laurel Canyon to perform. The Byrds, the Doors (in matching suits), the Seeds, Buffalo Springfield, Love, and even the great Captain Beefheart performed in clubs like Gazzari’s, London Fog, and Pandora’s Box. They weren’t content to just do cover versions of popular songs or pale imitations of current styles. No sir. They examined their roots, experimented, challenged themselves to become artists in the true sense of the word. Their music was new and exciting and groundbreaking. God, the women these assholes must’ve gotten.

There were also a few clubs that catered to teenagers. They didn’t serve alcohol so you didn’t have to be 21. The downside was forfeiting the lucrative bar income. The upside was there were ten million teenagers under the age of 21. And club owners could still charge two bucks for a Coke. The Trip and It’s Boss were the two top teen clubs.

My 17 year old cousin Craig was visiting from Louisville. So for two weeks I had a chauffeur. One night we cruised down the Sunset Strip. We must’ve looked like the Clampett family gawking at all the activity. We were lucky and found a parking space only a mile up the hill from the strip, so we headed down to “check out the scene”. Who’s hipper than a fifteen year-old who still draws comics and a kid from Kentucky?

People were just hanging out, standing around, and many of them were smoking. I didn’t know what but the smell was weird and unlike anything I had experienced. You never forget your first second-hand smoke reefer.

The clubs were so crowded with such long lines that we decided to just bag it. Too much of a hassle. I’d just wait until the Looney Tunes cartoon.

Pandora’s Box was a teen club the size of an outhouse perched on a triangular traffic island on the corner of Sunset and Crescent Heights. Crowds became too large and were snarling traffic at that large intersection. So cops tried to enforce a 10 p.m. curfew (good luck) and later just close the club. This resulted in a protest rally – a mob of mostly clean-cut teenagers and twentysomethings wearing pullover sweaters and miniskirts. Police broke it up, a riot resulted, and observer Stephen Stills wrote the song “For What It’s Worth” about the incident. A month later Sonny & Cher performed at Pandora’s Box but not without dire consequences. They were kicked off a Rose Parade float. It’s amazing Sonny Bono ever got elected to public office with that stain on his record.

I was not part of that riot. But I did buy the record.

CHEERS amnesia

In the spring of 1982 I got a call from James Burrows. He and the Charles Brothers were going to do a show for NBC that fall called CHEERS and wondered if we wanted to produce it. At first I thought, “A show about cheerleaders? YEAH!” then was told it was about a bar in Boston. Oh.

Still. We had never met the Charles Brothers but were huge admirers from their days at MTM and on TAXI. And Jimmy was (and is) television’s best comedy director. Plus, at the time we were in the middle of a development deal with Lorimar, a company known from producing DALLAS and no comedies (a fact we should have realized before taking the deal) and we used to joke that our current careers would make a perfect upcoming episode of IN SEARCH OF… starring Leonard Nimoy.

A meeting was set between us and Glen & Les Charles. That was at 11. At 2 my wife and I had an appointment for her to take a sonogram. She was pregnant and we had just learned there was a good chance it was twins. The sonogram would tell us for sure.

So we meet Glen & Les. They tell us about the show. At the time no one had been cast. There was just a first draft. Sam was still a former football player. They discussed their vision, how they like to work, how we would fit in, etc. We asked questions, they provided answers. The meeting lasted about an hour.

I went to the hospital. The sonogram was performed and we learned there were no twins. Just one boy (Matt, now blogmaster of DIRTYWATAH.COM and great kid). I was relieved. David then called with the good news that the Charles Brothers wanted us to come aboard. I said great and then something occurred to me. I said, “David, what happened in the meeting?” All through our time with the Charles Brothers all I could think of was how am I going to manage two babies, two car seats, two strollers? I literally have no recollection at all of what was discussed that day with Glen & Les. Fortunately I must’ve nodded at all the right times and never interrupted either of them by blurting out, “Shit!! When am I gonna sleep with two infants?”

But I was thrilled that we got the job. And then went home to read the script to see what I had agreed to. Boy, am I glad it was good.

By the way, the final season of CHEERS is out on DVD. It contains one of my favorite Levine & Isaacs' episodes, "Loathe and Marriage" and one of my favorite lines. Nick Tortelli: "Women! Ain't it enough we sleep with 'em?"

Netflix pick of the month: THE LAST SEDUCTION

Villains are far more interesting than heroes. Just ask Heath Ledger (if you could). Without Lex Luthor Superman is just another boring jock on steroids. Years ago Marie Osmond was touring in THE SOUND OF MUSIC and one reviewer said she was so sweet and sugary you found yourself rooting for the Nazis. Bad guys = Good movies.

There are villains you love to hate. And then there is Linda Fiorentino in THE LAST SEDUCTION. If I may coin a word, she is a VILF!

THE LAST SEDUCTION is a 1995 film noir treat, written by Steve Barancik and directed by John Dahl (who sadly has been relegated to television while Michael Bay continues to make features). Linda is the ultimate femme fatale, absconding her husband’s drug money (Bill Pullman as Ralph Bellamy) and disappearing into this small town where she turns Peter Berg into her boy toy for utter amusement. In true noir fashion she lures him into committing murder and the twists and turns come fast and furious.

And all the while you love her sultry voice, her chutzpah, smarts, and delicious wickedness. It’s DOUBLE INDEMNITY meets GOODBYE COLUMBUS.

Oh, and it’s one of the sexiest movies this side of first half of BODY HEAT before it dissolved into a jumbled mess.

THE LAST SEDUCTION and Linda should have been up for a gaggle of Academy Awards but due to a technicality (the movie played first on HBO) it wasn’t eligible. But it did win all kinds of Indie Spirit Awards, which everyone knows is far more prestigious.

THE LAST SEDUCTION. See it with someone you want to have sex with or kill.

My eleventh annual Oscars review

It was Bollywood’s big night. The Oscars! I got to watch them in Hawaii where they were tape delayed three hours. What a break! I went on line, saw who won, and made huge bets with guests around the pool at the Kapalua Ritz-Carlton. I made a fortune on Sean Penn alone!

The night was summed up perfectly by one of the idiot Red Carpet show hosts when he said, “This is what the Oscars is all about. All ages, all ethnicities, coming together to look their best.”

KTLA morning news anchor, Jessica Holmes asked Kevin Kline: "At the Oscars, when you come, do people ask you dumb questions as you hop along?" Tawny Little, you may have finally met your match.

On to the show:

Hugh Jackman was sensational. Kudos to the producers for turning to an actual movie star to host instead of seeing who’s available from Comedy Central. Jackman was the best host since Billy Crystal and maybe even Johnny Carson (sorry, Ellen). More amazing than his enormous talent and charm was how he seemed so damn comfortable up there? How does he do that?

Those chandeliers over the audience were designed to give the Kodak Theater a more intimate nightclub feel. It makes me wonder how many high school productions of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ended tragically when chandeliers crashed down on the first seven rows?

Actors of course, were in the front section, right up close. Other winners had to vault a little fence to get to the stage.

Hollywood loves SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE ...now. It’s the Best Picture of 2009. Of course a year ago that same Hollywood was ready to send it direct-to-video.

Kate Winslet finally won after six tries. THE TITANIC was not her fault!

Since when do they give out the Best Director award before Best Actor and Actress?

I’m sorry Robert Downey Jr. lost for Best Supporting Actor for his work in TROPIC THUNDER. He’d have more Oscars as an African-American than Will Smith.

How’d you like to be an animated movie going up against WALL-E? I bet the KUNG FU PANDA producers were seated in the balcony behind Kate Winslet’s dad.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman came as Sam Kinison.

For the acting categories it was nice to see former winners (especially my neighbor Eva Marie Saint, way to represent the hood) but did the nominees really need that additional overblown stroking? Every performance was “courageous”, “genius”, “inspiring”. Come on. Marisa Tomei looked good naked.

My favorite was Cuba Gooding Jr. saying, “Let’s talk about risks.” This is a guy who won an Oscar then went straight into SNOW DOGS and BOAT TRIP.

Michael Douglas is really starting to look like his old man. Now HE’S Spartacus.

As usual in Hollywood it’s all about marketing. THE READER: come for the sex, stay for the Holocaust.

Former Oscar winner and worst-Oscar-host-ever, Whoopi Goldberg was saying on THE VIEW a few weeks ago that each Oscar is numbered. Only a very few have ever won one in the “two hundred years of motion pictures”. I forget, when Lincoln was shot was he at a play or Clint Eastwood’s first film?

Sarah Jessica Parker is morphing into Carole King.

Many believe WALL-E should be the actual Best Picture of the Year. It showed just as much garbage as SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and although the sex wasn’t as good as THE READER, I’d still rather watch robots make love than Nazis.

Wow! Sophia Loren can still get into her prom dress.

Congrats to Simon Beaufoy for winning Best Adapted Screenplay for SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. And all the SLUMDOG winners but I’m partial to the writer.

How did HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, a movie that was improvised even get nominated for Best Original Screenplay? And how could WALL-E, the most innovative script in years, not win?

Who designed Miley Cyrus’ gown? Her dad? Talk about the cake that got left out in the rain…

Did you notice that Tina Fey got a much bigger reception than Steve Martin? And when Jennifer Aniston was presenting they cut to Angelina Jolie at least three times? Meow.

Quick: Which of these Best Song nominees won? “Jai Ho” or “O Saya”? Dump this stupid category already. It’s become as relevant as Best Silent Picture.

Ben Stiller doing Joaquin Phoenix was very funny… for thirty seconds. After that, co-presenter Natalie Portman deserved combat pay.

I guess Judd Apatow now only makes movies for his personal friends to enjoy. That’s what YouTube is for, Judd, not the Oscars.

Without a doubt, the highlight of the evening was Queen Latifa singing “I’ll be Seeing You” over the “In Memoriam” tribute. It was beautiful and touching. I bet, like me, you watch and try to guess who’s going to be last? Paul Newman was perfect. One question though: where was Heath Ledger?

And the lowlight: Bill Maher. He’s the embarrassing cousin that’s never invited to any family function but shows up anyway.

Why do they have to tell us every year what Costume Designers do? Who thinks that Keira Knightley wore her own street clothes in THE DUCHESS?

Dustin Lance Black gave a lovely heartfelt acceptance speech on Gay rights. And it saved the show because Hollywood obviously couldn’t decide on what their “cause” would be this year. The need to go green? Oppressed diamond mine workers in Africa? What?? There was not even agreement on the color of ribbons this award season, that’s how bad it got.

Sean Penn’s plea for equal Gay rights was also appreciated although the message might have had more impact if he hadn’t started his speech with calling the audience “You commie homo-loving sons of guns”. And when Sean was thanking everyone in the world, he could have included his wife.

Seeing Tilda Swinton’s outfit all I could think of was “I can show you to your table now.”

Glad SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE beat BENJAMIN BUTTON for Best Editing. As my daughter, Annie says, “No movie over three hours should even be eligible to win Best Editing.”

BENJAMIN BUTTON did win “Best Make-Up”. They made Brad Pitt look younger. The real trick is to do that with Goldie Hawn.

Congratulations to Penelope Cruz. Even with subtitles she won. Expect to see Will Smith in the next seven Woody Allen movies until he gets his.

Mickey Rourke came dressed in no tie and cautionary tales. I’m guessing at 3:00 he realized he didn’t have anything to wear so he just beat the crap out of Tom Wolfe and took his suit. It brings new meaning to “who are you wearing?”

I guess we’ll never hear Mickey’s outrageous expletive-filled acceptance speech now that he lost. But Penn deserved the award. He really became another character. Mickey Rourke played Mickey Rourke without shampoo.

Freida Pinto of SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE was the most gorgeous woman in the room. And yet, when they kept cutting to shots of the cast they showed everyone but her. I don’t care that Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail finds Jack Black amusing. Show me Freida!!

Major crisis averted!!! Dani Janssen did not cancel her exclusive Oscar party. She wanted to when pal Clint Eastwood received no nominations (that’ll show ‘em!) but was convinced by close friends that this country, in its fragile state, couldn’t weather that much disappointment. By the way, you are not invited and never will be.

Whoever designed Jessica Biel’s gown also dreamed up Aretha Franklin’s hat at the Inauguration.

The Jerry Lewis tribute had the potential for trainwreck written all over it. He could have done one of his celebrated gay jokes, or wondered why THE READER was so honored while his Holocaust film about a circus clown imprisoned in a death camp, THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED was deemed unreleasable. But instead he gave a brief, sincere, and thoroughly classy speech.

Nicole Kidman is starting to look like Joel Grey.

Not a lot of surprises this year. Heath Ledger – who knew? But thanks to Hugh Jackman and a more streamlined presentation (no salutes to “Great Ice Skating Movies of the Past” or other vintage genres) this year’s Oscarcast was the best in recent memory. And with that big production number in the middle with Jackman and Beyonce, it qualifies for the best Tony Awards show in ages too.

Aloha.

Thanks to my daughter, Annie and her writing partner, Brock for their heads-up on the Red Carpet shows.

It all started with the Oscars

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE had just beaten SAVING PRIVATE RYAN for film of the year. Steven Spielberg, who had already won Oscars for SCHINDLER’S LIST in every category except Best Animated Short was really pissed. And this was mere moments after he won another Oscar for directing SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (which was very well deserved, by the way). I thought it was a little ungracious. So I decided to write a humorous review of the ceremony, poke a bit of fun at Hollywood royalty, and email it to the hundred or so people in my address list.

The response was so positive that I did it again the following year. By then my list had grown to at least 104. I added the Emmys (talk about an easy target) and also goofy travelogues (I was getting tired of writing the same travel report ten times to ten friends).

Once I compiled enough of these I investigated getting them all published as a book. The idea was met with zero interest. But one kindly editor said, “These are very funny and if Dave Barry had written them I’d publish them tomorrow. But no one knows who the fuck you are.”

So how do I become more well-known? First thought was a publicist until I saw what they charged. Yikes! I wanted a little higher visibility; I didn’t want to be Tatiana so paying big money to get my name in the Long Beach Telegram a few times a year didn’t make sense. Nor did killing anybody or lying about my age and going on REAL WORLD.

Then my friend Howard suggested writing a blog. (This is beginning to sound like one of those old cigarette commercials. Then my priest said, “Hey, have you tried Viceroys?”)

A blog wouldn’t cost anything save for time. Who knows? It could lead to a big book deal, major speaking engagements, or taking over for Carson Daly (if not me than ANYBODY). Well, none of those things happened but the blog has been great fun to do. And it has gained some popularity – thanks in part to my annual Oscar review.

So tonight again I shall review the Academy Awards. I try to post them as soon as possible so if someone else has a similar observation it’s clear I didn’t steal it from him (he probably stole it from me). Unfortunately, here in Hawaii they are tape delayed. God forbid a tourist misses one precious hour of deadly sun exposure. So expect the review early Monday morning. It’s coming.

Just think, if Steven Spielberg had only clapped when SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE won none of this would have happened.

Nobody photoshops Danica Patrick and gets away with it!

Okay, it’s one thing if you want to photoshop in some breasts for Keira Knightley for a stupid movie poster...
but now comes word that Sports Illustrated has photocopied out Danica Patrick’s tattoo for their swimsuit issue photo shoot. Thank God! I think you would have to agree that with that tattoo she no longer looks attractive at all. SI claims they did that because their swimsuit issue celebrates “natural” beauty. As such they do allow the models to keep their freckles.

Seems to me if they really want to celebrate natural beauty they’d airbrush out the swimsuits. I’m just sayin’.

Why wasn't BECKER a bigger hit?

So for a delightful change, I'm answering a Friday question on Friday.

Monsterbeard asks:

I was looking at the credits for Becker the other day, which is full of some really talented sitcom writers, including yourself. Yet, despite all the pedigree, the show wasn't exactly a huge hit. Do you think it failed? And do you know why it wasn't as big of a hit as the writing credits would suggest?

Well, it did run for 129 episodes and is in syndication so it did a whole lot better than any of my shows. But BECKER should have been a bigger hit. The problem was that CBS, for whatever reason, never believed in the show. I don’t know why. Maybe it wasn’t sexy enough for them. But then why make it and order it in the first place?

BECKER always outperformed the network’s expectations. It did wildly better than a host of darlings that CBS put in that time slot (Monday 9:30). Then the network moved it, put it in an impossible slot to win and it still surprised everyone with its numbers. The reward for that? Cancellation. And the irony of course – CBS would KILL for BECKER’s numbers today.

Happily, once the show got into syndication people seemed to discover it. It’s hard to believe but a highly-rated show on CBS for five years was considered a best-kept secret. I’ve had a lot of people come up to me and say, “Hey, I saw your name on this new show, BECKER. It’s really good.” NEW show??

Dave Hackel, the show’s creator, put together a tremendous staff of writers and directors. Matthew Weiner of MAD MEN for one. Andy Ackerman (director of SEINFELD) for another. And although you might not be as familiar with their names, here are a few of the other terrific BECKER writers who I would hire in a second: Ian Gurvitz, Michael Markowitz, Russ Woody, Steve Peterman, Gary Donzig, Kate Angelo, Liz Astrof, Bobby Gaylor, Dana Borkow Klein, Matt Ember, Anne Flett-Giordano, and Chuck Ranberg.

But the show must finally be catching on. Ted Danson says more people now stop him in an airport and mention BECKER than CHEERS.

If you’re up some morning at 2 channel surfing, check it out. It’s a damn good show.

What's your question?