Bad tables in restaurants

I’m one of those people that hate to be shown to a bad table. In addition to the discomfort of being by the kitchen or next to the screaming baby, I always take it as a personal insult. The host just assumes I’m an idiot and doesn’t know the difference. Or I’m too unimportant to be shown a decent table. Better to leave the good one open just in case the Pope should happen in off the street.

I feel all diners should enter a restaurant wearing a badge. Either a green one or red one.

The green one means “Hi, my name is Gomer and you can seat me in the kitchen next to the grease trap if you want, or put my party of eight at a table the size of a silver dollar in the section with no view and trainee waitress.”

And the red one means, “Stop. I don’t pay your prices to sit next to the coat room, behind the bus station, under the hurricane-strength air conditioning vent, or next to Fran Drescher. Yes, I’d like a booth. Why would I prefer a table that’s in every waiter’s path? And if you try to give me a bad table I’m only going to ask for a better one so save yourself the step.”

Restaurant management might balk claiming everyone will then surely wear red buttons. But you know what? I bet 70% of the population still opts for the green.

Hey, look who stopped by to say hello

Hi, this is Babe Ruth. First I’d like to tip my cap to Ken for letting me be his guest blogger. Since it’s the start of baseball season and he's in San Diego covering the Dodgers (so no AMERICAN IDOL recap this week, which pisses me off too) he wondered if the old Bambino had any new curses and as a matter of fact I do. So woe be to the following:

THE NEW YORK YANKEES – for vacating the house that I built for a gaudy new stadium purely out of greed. The Red Sox ain’t moving from Fenway. The Cubs ain’t abandoning Wrigley. The Mets are one thing – Shea was a dump. But the original Yankee Stadium was a cathedral and you don’t raze it just so you can construct luxury pews. Good luck making new memories with Ramiro Pena. And fans beware, there are some seats with obstructed views. You can't see the players but you can see the in-stadium steak house.

HOLLYWOOD – for all those bad movies about me. William Bendix -- the guy from THE LIFE OF RILEY? And then John Goodman? Jesus Christ! Who’s next? Hillary Duff?

THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS – What kind of pussy name is “Blue Jays”? How the hell is a Blue Jay supposed to strike fear in the hearts of opponents? “Blue Jays” wear pigtails and sell cookies, “Giants” stomp on people and get arrested with Mickey Rourke.

Same with…

THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM – When you think of an “angel” you don’t think some bad ass dude who’s gonna grind your guts into garters. Fuck no. You think of Nicole Kidman prancing with wood nymphs and shit. Who cares if you’re from Los Angeles, Anaheim, or California ? If your team name is “angels” your city of record is Fantasyland.

And along those lines…

THE HOUSTON ASTROS – Name me a team that cowers going in to “Minute Maid Park”. It might as well be “Summer’s Eve Stadium”. Get a better name! There are no fucking tool companies that are looking for corporate sponsorship?

ESPN – It’s bad enough you’ve saddled the great Jon Miller with Joe Morgan (pitchers need to throw strikes, we get it!) but now you’ve added Steve Phillips ? That’s like adding cufflinks on pants. There’s nothing either of those clowns could say that Jon Miller couldn’t say better and more succinctly (hey, look at me, using a word like succinctly!). Maybe Jon Miller should play me in the next movie. At least I’d sound smart.

PLAYERS WHO USE STEROIDS – Talent, conditioning, proper diet, and beer isn’t enough???

CBS – for canceling ALMOST PERFECT. That Nancy Travis was a cutie. If I were 30 years younger and alive…boy!

And finally…

LADY GAGA – What the fuck is that?!

Again, thanks to Ken for letting me blog with you today. If I have anything else to add I’ll send you all a Tweet. So long everybody!

By the time I got to Phoenix

This travelogue is a combination of three trips to Phoenix I made this month to cover the Dodgers’ spring training.

It was quite a culture shock going from Hawaii where everything was named Wailea and Lahaina to Phoenix where I drove over Skunk Creek.

This is a sprawling city of giant shopping malls broken up by sports complexes. Oh and numerous aircraft boneyards. From rusted out WWII planes to 747s that haven’t flown since Braniff went under, they’re all here. Was hoping to swing by and pick up an L1011 fuselage but time got away.

Other major attractions Phoenix can boast about: the world’s largest Kachina Doll, the world’s largest inflatable dam, and the world’s largest sneezing nose – a fitting tribute to the many allergies people suffer from in these parts.

Famous sons of the Valley of the Sun include Steven Spielberg, retired golfer Alice Cooper, Wonder Woman, Hugh Downs, Barry Goldwater, and most prominent of them all – American Idol Jordin Sparks.

To get anywhere in Phoenix – to work, a restaurant, the rental car outpost from the airport – you just get on the freeway and go 13.2 miles. Everything is 13.2 miles away. Except Circle K’s. There are two on every corner. How much beef jerky can this town chew?

I’ve seen ads for the University of Phoenix in Los Angeles and St. Louis and Philadelphia but who knew? They also have a branch in Phoenix!

On my first trip I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express near the big University of Phoenix stadium, (home of the Superbowl losing Cardinals) which looks like an enormous Jiffy Pop bag just before it explodes. What college has an enormous stadium but no football team?

You can sure feel the effects of the economy. The Dodgers kicked off the Cactus League season against the Cubs in Mesa. Usually Cubs tickets are harder to get in the desert than oceanfront property but this year even opening day didn’t sell out. Obama’s bailout plan is going to have to include scalpers I’m afraid.

Next day we headed to Scottsdale (13.2 miles) to face the dreaded Giants. Scottsdale is the ritzy section of Phoenix. As you approach it the car dealerships get much more upscale.

Scottsdale is gorgeous. Known for its swank resorts, golf courses, art galleries (you better like “southwestern”), and the Bob Crane murder.

Most restaurants in Phoenix are a chain but at least in Scottsdale they’re Morton’s and Roy’s. Most everywhere else they’re McDonald’s and Roy Rogers.

But it was not worth driving 13.2 miles for fine dining when right nearby there was a Tilted Kilts. Who knew anyone could improve on Hooters? The breasts seemed more real, the kilts more skimpy. And for an even finer culinary experience I recommend the chicken wings appetizer. When they arrive ask for a different dipping sauce so the hot tattooed Betty Boop has to return and lean over your table to deliver it. Any top chef will tell you – it’s all in the presentation.

The new Dodger complex in Glendale is magnificent! Camelback Ranch (not to be confused with the Mustang Ranch – the other spring training destination for most men). Camelback Ranch looks like it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright after a long night at Tilted Kilts.

But the amenities for the fans are amazing and if there’s anything better than having a picnic with your family, sitting out on a grass berm and watching major league baseball in the sunshine I don’t know what it is. Okay, maybe also getting a Valentino Pascucci home run ball and several fans got those.

Hung out with my buddy, Kurtwood Smith at one of the Dodger games. Kurtwood’s a great actor. You’ve seen him in a million things including DEAD POET’S SOCIETY, THAT 70s SHOW, and of course BIG WAVE DAVE’S. Recently, he’s been on 24. Not that Dodger fans aren’t the most knowledgeable in all of sports but Kurtwood said he went up to the concession stand and people were calling out at him, “Hey, man, lighten up on Jack Bauer!” (SPOILER ALERT: Kurtwood gets killed… for the 500th time in his career.)

Missed the big ostrich festival. Ostrich races AND Foghat!!!

Best Phoenix TV show bar none is “Lone Butte Casino’s LUCKY BREAK” every Saturday night at 10:30 on CBS 5. It’s a cheesy AMERICAN IDOL ripoff hosted by Olympic Gold medal swimmer Amy Van Dyken. Grand prize is a dinner for two at the Verona Chop House. One of the judges is a plumber. I’m not making this up! One of the contestants was 83 and just had a hip replacement. Did not bust a lot of moves in her routine. Halfway through the judges blasted an air horn to stop her. Nice. She had to be helped off the stage. Next up was her daughter who got the air horn even faster. Five contestants ended in a tie so to break it they each had to sing Happy Birthday. One actually stumbled over the words. She won.

Come ye all to the annual Arizona Renaissance Fair. Wear ye heavy garb of velvet and wool or ye full suit of armor. Imagine if they held this in August. Merry Old England during the Bubonic Plague.

The local oldies station, KOOL has a very limited playlist. “China Grove” by the Doobie Brothers. That’s it. But for their big weekend feature playing all the hits from the 60s-80s they add “Long Train Running” by the Doobie Brothers.

You can go Indoor Skydiving in Phoenix. A simulated freefall chamber will drop you 13,000 feet at 120 mph. It seems to me skydiving (outdoors) requires courage but offers an incomparable thrill. Indoor skydiving down an elevator shaft requires losing a bet at a frat party.

Pheeniks is number nine on the US list of most misspelled cities.

I was really stylin’ the second trip. My rental car was a maroon Chevy hearse. At least that’s what it looked like. I kept checking to make sure Bob Crane wasn’t in the back.

Alas, spring training is over. Last week rooms at the Holiday Inn Express were $165 a night. This week they’re free with a ticket stub from the Ostrich races. But if you’re a baseball fan or you just want to see if the Red Lobster in Phoenix is any different from the one in your town, you’ve got to come to Arizona in March. I’ll never be able to see HOGAN’S HEROES again without wanting to go back.

In Treatment/Be-Tipul

The second season of IN TREATMENT premieres this week on HBO. In case you’re not familiar, it’s a nightly drama that follows a psychiatrist as he treats various patients and is in therapy himself. Some viewers (like me) LOVED season one, others had enough crap in their own lives to deal with. But the writing and acting was superb and it’s always fun to play along at home and scream out your own helpful advice like “Waaa waaa, get a grip!” and “Of course he doesn’t sleep with you, you’re a raving bitch!”

IN TREATMENT is actually an adaptation of the popular Israeli series, BE-TIPUL. A pretty faithful adaptation. Only the names and Jews have been changed to protect the American public. On Friday I attended a seminar at UCLA on both shows. Among the panelists were original co-creator, Hagai Levi and Rodrigo Garcia who masterfully piloted the US version.

There was the usual scholarly discussion -- much talk about metaphors, cultural relevance, whether the series will stop Global Warming, etc. But the real treat was seeing and being able to compare both versions of the same episode.

Assi Dayan plays the therapist in BE-TIPUL. He’s much more rumpled than Gabriel Bryne. You can’t imagine him being asked to pose for Cosmo’s “Sizzling Shrinks” photo layout. Dayan’s character is more world-weary but his country is always being attacked so you gotta cut him some slack. Rarely are rockets fired on suburban Maryland.

Dayan’s home office is very sparse. Not nearly as well lit or appointed as his American (with an Irish accent) counterpart. We Americans need warmth and soft hues in order to unburden ourselves. Israelis are fine in blinding sunlight.

The episode screened involved the fighter pilot (Blair Underwood in IN TREATMENT) and with very few adjustments the scripts were identical. One thing I liked better in BE-TIPUL – both pilots bring an expensive coffee maker to their session. Each explains that he got a great deal on ebay by bidding during a night when everyone was glued to their TVs. In the US version that meant the AMERICAN IDOL finale; for the Israeli version it was a suicide bombing. That's a far better and darker joke.

The edge goes to BI-TIPUL’s opening credits. Although IN TREATMENT’s fluid waves are simple and elegant, BI-TIPUL features a kaleidoscope of black ink dots on a white screen suggesting a Rorschach Test. Both use the exact same theme.

And although the actress that plays Laura (Melissa George) is quite luscious, her Israeli counterpart Ayelet Zurer (soon to be seen in ANGELS AND DEMONS) is drop-dead spectacular. With Ayelet as the temptation, Dayan’s ethical dilemma isn’t whether he should sleep with her, it’s when he does sleep with her in his office, does he still charge her for the session?

From what I understand IN TREATMENT strays from the original more in season two. Great. I look forward to watching every minute of both. As a preview for American audiences, one of the new patients is Hope Davis playing a woman who can’t reconcile why Laura Linney has a bigger career, and John Mahoney as a father who can’t understand why his two sons are so prissy.

The Real Don Steele

The Real Don Steele was larger than life. For thirty years he ruled the Los Angeles airwaves, most notably on 93/KHJ “Boss Radio” in the 60’s and 70’s. Outrageous, electrifying, thrilling – that was Real on…and OFF the air.

Typically, after his afternoon show he would go to a Hollywood watering hole, Martoni’s and get plastered. Steele never did anything in moderation. One night Sinatra walked in with his fierce bodyguards and disappeared into a back room. Steele wanted to meet him. The others at his table told him it was a bad idea, Sinatra never liked intrusions, and he was in no condition to meet anybody. That didn’t stop Steele.

He marched into the back room where Sinatra was now eating, surrounded by his henchmen. Frank looked up and was startled. Steele stood before him and in his loudest booming voice began singing “Strangers in the Night”. Then, after one chorus, passed out face first in Sinatra’s pasta.

Talk to anyone who knew and loved him. They have a hundred of their own stories, each as good or better.

The Real Don Steele would have been 73 this week. There is a tribute website that features pictures, and a few samples of his work. If you want to hear the greatest cookin’ jock to ever crack a mic in the heyday of top 40, check him out.

Real also appeared in some highly prestigious films such as EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000 (starring Sylvester Stallone), ROCK N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and Ron Howard’s first directing effort, GRAND THEFT AUTO. Television credits are equally as impressive: TALES FROM THE CRYPT and HERE COMES THE BRIDES.

I had the pleasure of working with him at two radio stations, K100 and TenQ in LA in the 70’s. He also fell off my couch stinking drunk one night and my wife still invited him to dinner again.

His catch phrase was “Tina Delgado is alive, ALIVE!” shouted by some unknown frenzied girl. No one ever knew the story behind it -- who Tina Degado was or how he came to use it. Even what the hell it meant. But it didn’t matter. It was all part of the excitement this larger-than-life personality created for “the magnificent megalopolis of Boss Angeles” three hours every day…and especially on “Fractious Fridays”.

His birthday was April 1st, I wish that maybe his passing is just an April’s Fool joke. That would be so like him. And at 3:00 I could turn on the radio, “Devil with a Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder would come blazing out of my speaker and I would hear “The Real Don Steele is alive, ALIVE!”

He is in my heart. And always will be.

Thanks to Nancy Plum for the following montage from the first day of TenQ. In the bottom left photo that's me standing behind Steele.

They can tell this joke on the BBC????

Dustin Hoffman tells a delightful joke on the distinguished British Broadcasting Corporation.

The Method is madness

It’s Friday question day. Today’s comes from reader Chester Carlson:

Glenn Close was new to movie making when filming "The Big Chill." Looking back, she laughs at her inexperience/naiveté. Such as when she told the director her character would never have chosen the china pattern on the plates etc. used in the big dinner scene.

Did you ever have a stage actor or actress bring too much stage technique to a TV set? Or maybe need to tell someone to tone down their Method? How did you handle it? Lawrence Kasdan was polite to Close while she was saying this. What would you do?

First off, I am not a big fan of method acting. You’re “acting”. You’re “playing” a part. The idea of having to “become” the character you are portraying in order to do it justice is fine unless the character is a hooker or serial killer. The “Method” ends when you have to actually turn tricks or shoot fifteen people. The “I was just doing research for my guest starring role on CSI: MIAMI” defense rarely spares the defendant the chair, even with a good review from Tom Shales.

I was directing a show once where a character had to clean something offstage. He asked me where exactly off stage? I walked to a spot and said, “Here. No, wait… here.” During the show he scrubbed the floor in that spot, seen by no one. And p.s., if it helped his performance you’d never know it. And his scrubbing skills weren’t so hot either.

I know I’m generalizing and there are exceptions but often times when actors apply the Method technique they take things and themselves so seriously in their quest for “the truth” that “funny” flies right out the window.

If I’m casting an actor and I see he’s had Method training I tend to beware. Obviously, if his audition is great I’m going to hire him even if his acting coach is Pia Zadora but if there are two equal candidates I would probably opt for the non-Method actor.

As a director it’s my job to get the best performance out of every cast member and have them all peak at once on show night. Each actor has his own approach. I need to embrace that and make each one feel comfortable. On stage, I encourage actors to employ whatever process works best for them, even if it’s Method. I might have to answer more questions, or allow an actor certain freedom to find moments or emotions but that’s what the director is there for. I see my job as being a big net. Actors are free to experiment because they know I’ll never let them fall. I’m always there to catch them.

I would have had long talks with Glenn Close over china patterns because that’s what she needed then. I would listen intently and take her concerns seriously. Then during a break I would go back to my trailer and blow my brains out.

My favorite definition of acting comes from that icon of the theater and silver screen, Benjamin Franklin who said, “The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.”

What’s your question?

Punchlines that write themselves

Comedy writing Tip: Always be on the lookout for the absurdity that surrounds us daily. Most people don't pick up on it. Learn to see the world differently. If nothing else, you'll sure go through life having a lot more laughs. Here are some examples:
Just how nuts is the entertainment industry? Here are recent actual headlines from the HuffingtonPost. They’re not meant to be jokes but who can write stuff this good?

Madonna Tours Impoverished School In $2800 Sweatsuit

Kendra Wilkinson Starting Own Line Of Stripper Poles

"Slumdog" Kid Rubina Reportedly Paid More For TV Ad Than Oscar-Winning Film

Halle Berry Mentally Ready For Another Baby

SWEET TWEET: Jennifer Garner took Violet, 3, to the Brentwood Country Mart in L.A. Sunday.

Josh Hartnett Calls 911 For Stomach Cramps

Cash-Strapped Former TV Star Holds Garage Sale

Chris Brown, Rihanna No-Show At Kids' Choice Awards

"Real Housewives" Countess Dumped -- Via Email -- By Her Count

David Hasselhoff Denies Work, Admits Botox

And then there’s this: the stupid quote of the year (so far). Spencer Grammer (Kelsey Grammer’s daughter and star of ABC Family’s GREEK, pictured above) was profiled earlier this week in USA TODAY. I quote from the article:

The writers’ strike and the cancellation of BACK TO YOU contributed to her father’s heart attack, Grammer says. “He’s got these houses and this family, and you’ve got to make money.”

I find this amusing since her dad has a stake in FRASIER, his own very successful production company, and receives acting and/or directing royalties from over 400 episodes. Has he kept this from her so she doesn't ask for a raise in her allowance? Is she so into Twitter and Facebook that she never bothered to learn what her father does for a living? Does she somehow think he's got 40 houses? It's a pretty idiotic statement. Keep an eye out for them. They're everywhere. To write funny you have to "think" funny. And a great way of training yourself to do that is to really pay attention to the goofiness that's all around you.

There's a lot of low hanging comedy fruit out there. You just have to pick it.

AMERICAN IDOL -- Top 9

This week’s theme was “Songs we can make more money from”. They could be anything as long as they were available on itunes. Next week will be Coca Cola themes from the 60s and 70s. The following week – songs with the word Ford in them.

A few initial thoughts: I don’t know if Paula got a new eye job or pumped collagen in her face instead of Botox but she’s starting to look like Jack Palance. And I’ve just concluded that I hate Kara. Why? She may be a lovely person but the way she whines and pretends to be so pained -- it just reminds me of every network and studio junior executive, two years out of Sarah Lawrence, who has given me insipid writing notes over the years. “Kennnnn, I really lovvvve this script but I just want to see more, y’know, more heart, more humanity, more… I dunno, I just want to like Mussolini more.” So whenever she gives a critique that’s all I hear.

New opening. The judges make an entrance now. I like it. If the MOD SQUAD were still on the air, that would be their opening titles.

Anoop Desai got things going by attempting Usher’s “Caught Up”. He was one bad ass altar boy. I can’t remember verbatim what Kara said but I think it was: “I really lovvve the characters but I just wish the priest had more… I dunno, penis jokes.”

Megan Joy gave Bob Marley’s “Turn Your Lights Down Low” her usual gatling gun interpretation. She wore enough string necklaces to qualify as a Mardi Gras float. I think Kara said: “I know grandpa is dead but can he still come back at the end?”

Danny Gokey did a nice version of Rascal Flat’s “What Hurts the Most”. I’m a fan of his. If the Disney Channel ever does a biopic on Robert Downey Jr. Danny will get the part. Kara: “I am such a fan of this script but you know what it needs? Backstory. Who are all those other people on the subway with Bob? What does each one want?”

Allison Iraheta came dressed as American Girl Doll: Cyndi Lauper. My only criticism with her singing No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” is that she didn’t sing it directly to Kara. Best moment of the night: Paula complimenting Allison on playing the guitar by saying, “Glad you brought your ax.” Yeah! Look at Jack Palance, talking all street and shit!

Scott MacIntyre wowed the judges with Billy Joel’s vintage oozeburger, “Just the Way You Are”. Again, I’m paraphrasing. Kara: “I love that you made the Scott character blind but then you don’t have him bumping into things so really, what’s the point?”

Matt Giraud tried to show he was contemporary by doing “You Found Me” by Fray. This is like when Bing Crosby sang “Hey Jude”. Kara: “Mxixwehesdd wxkxxighggg meemememmnetnetm”. (After awhile that’s all I hear.)

Lil Rounds made a courageous choice. She dared to sing a Celine Dion song without fireworks and fifteen chorus boys. If Lil were on season two the judges would be genuflecting. But now in season eight, despite her pipes, she’s just another boring belter. This week however she brought her two adorable children so she could have sung the national anthem of Iraq and still sailed through to the next round.

The two best performances were saved for last. Kris Allen did a killer version of “Anal Sunshine When She’s Gone” (at least that’s what it sounded like). And Adam Lambert again proved that he’s in a completely different league than the rest of these nimrods. Best singer, best showman, most original contestant in years. And with the new do he looks like a gay Dean Cain. He chose Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music White Boy” and once again established himself as the only reason to watch the show this season.

Not that Kara won’t have notes. But Adam is the one contestant smart enough to just ignore them. And that’s why he’s going to be the next AMERICAN IDOL.

LOST: Juliet explains it all to you

LOST is having another spectacular season. Every episode is a mind blower. In case you’re not up to speed, I was able to secure this letter that castaway Juliet (pictured above) sent to her sister. She recaps the series far better than I.

Dear sis,

Sorry it’s been awhile since my last letter. But you know how crazy things get on the island. Someone suggested I send this “priority” to speed up the process but it still goes out on the same submarine.

The weather has been nice lately. Occasional late day showers but that’s pretty much it. The foliage is gorgeous and the mangos are plentiful. Oh, and it’s 1977 now. Seems the island can go through time. They never tell you these things in the brochure. Yes, it’s an adjustment but Captain & Tennille will be performing on the island on the 8th with special guest stars, the Bay City Rollers.

I’m no longer living in a hastily constructed primitive tent on the beach. I’m now in a suburban housing community. I’ve become a member of the Dharma Initiative. I don’t know what they do exactly but I think it involves science and finding a starring vehicle for Jenna Elfman.

I’ve changed jobs. No more prenatal research and sniper assignments for me. Now I’m an auto mechanic. They must’ve gotten a deal on VW vans here because that’s all you see. But I’ve been impressed. They say Chevy trucks are built tough but these babies can drive through the cloud monster without stalling. I still do deliver babies once in awhile. It’s just that my hands are not as clean. Oh, guess what? Michelle from 24 is here. I just delivered her baby last week. If you see Tony Almeida and he isn’t being tortured by terrorists tell him he’s a daddy.

I have a new boyfriend. His name is either Sawyer or James or LeFleur. I don’t know what to call out in bed. He used to be a bad boy but now he’s settled down and has a really good job as the head of security – protecting us from the pesky hostiles that live out in the jungle and want to kill us all for no apparent reason. It might have something to do with Jenna Elfman being a Scientologist but I dunno.

I can almost see you smirking. Sawyer/James/LaFleur and before that Jack and before that Ben and before that the married guy that Ben killed – I am such a slut. But actually, the last three were in the 21st century so in a sense they don’t count… yet.

To tell you the truth, I’m a little worried about my relationship with Sawyer/James/LaFleur. That bitch Kate is back! Of all the years she could have time traveled to why did it have to be this one? Why she’s back at all I don’t know. Gee, now that I think about it, there’s a lot of shit I don’t know about that’s going on around here. Anyway, if she gets within ten feet of him I’m going to go medieval on her bony ass or at least go back to Jack. He’s also here now. Along with Hurly so there goes half our food supply.

Hey, the good news about being back in 1977 – TAB with cyclamates are back!

More good news – Jin survived that massive freighter explosion. He’s now with us speaking better English that Hurly. And his wife Sun is on the island too but it’s been hard for them to arrange a time to get together since he’s in 1977 and she’s in 2007.

Ben as a child is here as well. I’ve discreetly left diagrams of a vagina in his school notebook. Maybe this time when he grows up he’ll know what the hell a clitoris is.

Okay. Gotta run. The alarms are sounding. The polar bear is loose. Say hi to everyone. And if you can find a valve cover gasket for a 1977 VW van please send it.

Love,

Juliet

I don't want to say HOUSE stole our POINT OF VIEW episode but...

...tonight's edition of HOUSE is seen through the point of view of a patient. Huh??? David Isaacs and I wrote that in 1978 for MASH. It's kind of a famous episode. I just watched a preview of the HOUSE episode and it looks like the exact same show. Or maybe it’s just an “homage”. You can see the preview here.

I constantly get readers who want to know about POINT OF VIEW so I figured this might be a good time to share the story again.

The problem with constructing “our” version was finding a story to go along with the convention. A soldier is injured, treated and saved by those lovable wacky medicos at the 4077th. But what’s his injury? Where’s the suspense? And more importantly, how does he connect with our central characters?

We heard of a 1947 movie that used this first-person device called LADY IN THE LAKE. It was a Raymond Chandler mystery with Robert Montgomery as detective Philip Marlowe. Or, more accurately, Robert Montgomery’s voice. So we screened the movie. Holy shit! What we found was that when someone talked to Marlowe it was fine, but when Marlowe spoke the other actors had nothing to do but stare uncomfortably into the camera and try to react (this was not Jayne Meadow’s best work). It was sooooo dicey. Not to mention static, boring, and…well, downright creepy.

It seemed to us the key to making this device work was not having the soldier talk. And that sparked our story. What if the patient is hit in the throat? He can’t speak. He must undergo a series of tricky operations (the suspense) until finally he is able to utter only two words –

“Thank…you”.

In the HOUSE version the patient can talk but no one hears him. I haven’t seen the complete episode but even from the preview it seems disconcerting to hear this voice out of nowhere… and that voice is supposed to be you.

Getting back to our story, it now laid itself out pretty easily. We created a B story where Potter forgets his anniversary and the patient informs Hawkeye which leads to the resolution. That way the soldier is directly involved in the story. One of the show’s highlights for me was how masterful Harry Morgan played the scene in which he confided in the young soldier. Not a dry seat in the house!

We wanted to really utilize the visual, give the viewer a different perspective whenever possible. What did it look like actually being in the chopper, gazing down at the camp, being on a stretcher during the insanity of triage, being wheeled into OR?

So much credit for the success of the episode goes to director, Charles Dubin. And remember, he had only three days to film this, not three weeks…or months. And this was 1978, before steady cams. I think D. W. Griffith used this camera to shoot BIRTH OF A NATION. It couldn’t have been heavier or more unwieldy. Judging from the HOUSE preview the camerawork is more fluid but the effect is no more effective.

The MASH cast was marvelous, really rising to the occasion. It’s hard enough to relate to fellow actors, but to play highly emotional scenes looking directly into a camera has to be nearly impossible. Additionally, scenes all had to play out in one take. We couldn’t cut back and forth between characters and angles and takes. To this day I marvel at their skill.

Trivia note: We gave the patient the name Bobby Rich. Bobby is one of my dearest friends, currently hosting a morning radio show in Tucson.

When the show was completed we watched the finished product in a screening room. I was horrified. There was Radar’s giant head filling this huge screen, addressing all of us tiny ants in the theater. AAAAAAGH!!! As I sat in the dark, contemplating my next career, I wondered how I could reconcile the fact that I personally had destroyed MASH. How’s THAT going to look on my resume?

The show aired on a Monday night during November sweeps. I almost didn’t watch it. When it began I cringed. A few moments into it Radar appeared. And a strange thing happened. The show suddenly worked.

Seeing Radar’s head on a TV screen, the comparable size of most human beings (Only Barry Bonds has a head the size of Radar’s on the silver screen.) the audience was able to buy the conceit. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. By the act break I canceled my 11 PM flight to Antarctica.

I look back at that show today with great pride. We were allowed to take risks. Encouraged to take risks. And even if the show had been the “GLEN OR GLENDA of television” that it appeared to be that dark day in the screening room, I would still be proud to be a part of it. To the cast and crew and everyone involved in POINT OF VIEW, all I can say is –

“Thank you”.

And now I can take our script, change Hawkeye to House and I have a spec drama to show around.

Even I can't get an agent

The difficulty in securing an agent is not confined to those writers just starting out. I tried to get a theatrical agent when I wrote my play a few years ago and hit a brick wall, even with my resume. And I didn’t list AfterMASH so I know it’s not that.

The Hollywood literary agency that represented me did not have a theater department so when I wrote my play a few years ago I decided to get a second agent to handle that facet of my career. Unlike these major conglomerates with three letters that handle screenwriters, theatrical agencies are all boutique. Going down the list it seemed every Jewish girl who wouldn’t go out with me now has an agency.

I made a few calls and found no one was interested. The fact that (a) I wasn’t 25, and (b) they couldn’t cash in on movie rights made me persona non representita. And this was before anyone even bothered to read my play.

Through a playwright friend, I was referred to one agent – we’ll call her Beth B. I had a nice conversation with her, she said she really wasn’t looking to take on new clients but wanted to read my play. So I sent it along with a resume. Two weeks later I get a letter from her. The first sentence was “Ohmygod, I had no idea you co-created ALMOST PERFECT!” She went on to say it was her favorite show, the writing was brilliant, she wrote a letter to CBS complaining when they cancelled it, it was like we were in her bedroom, and she was often confused for our star, Nancy Travis. I thought – I am IN!

Next paragraph – pass.

Okay. Whatever.

A few months later I was in New York and decided to call her again. Sometimes when people meet they click and who knows? Maybe she’d have a change of heart. She agreed to meet with me.

It took three trains to get down to her agency. Every other agency was in mid-town, in the theatre district. This one was in the land of discount sneakers and checks cashed while you wait. Once there, after waiting a good half hour, Beth B. finally appeared and ushered me back to her office. My first thought upon seeing her was – Nancy Travis? The only thing she had in common with Nancy Travis was that they both breathed air. Beth B. was large, horn rimmed glasses, and had giant frizzy Carole King hair.

After the pleasantries, she explained that she liked to represent hot young playwrights who lived in New York. The key to her was they’d be able to go to openings and readings and be seen in all the right places.

I said, “what if I produced my play in LA and it got good reviews?” She said that would be disastrous for it ever getting mounted in New York. I suggested that maybe the New York theatre scene was a tad elitist, fully expecting her to back off and say “No, no, not at all.” Instead, she said proclaimed, “Yes, that’s right.” I was a little thrown and wondered if New York had the theatre to support it. “Suessical? Thousand Clowns with Tom Sellick? Annie Get Your Gun with Crystal Bernard? There weren’t exactly new Arthur Miller or Tennessee Williams pieces starring Brando or Burton coming in this season.”

It was clear we were not “clicking”. So finally, I asked Beth B. what advice she could give me? She thought for a moment and finally said, “Write”. I said, “Excuse me?” She repeated it. “Write. I find that the first play is an introduction, the second gets a reading, the third gets a workshop, and the fourth maybe gets a production. So just keep writing.”

I nodded and finally said, “Beth, that’s great advice. In fact, it’s the same advice I’ve been giving young writers… for THIRTY YEARS. But since I’ve had more of my work produced on a national level than all your clients combined times ten I think I can SKIP A STEP.”

Beth B. was not on the invite list for my New York reading.

I know it’s discouraging when an agent doesn’t want you, but always remember, there are plenty of agents out there that YOU don’t want. If it takes more time to find a better match it’s worth it.

More Mary Tyler

Thanks to reader, Benson, here is the rest of that MARY episode. The first part can be found here.

WTF!?

Back to Phoenix for one last weekend of Spring Training. That Cactus League pennant race is really heating up. The excitement is palpable. Anyway, here are some Friday questions. What's yours??

First up, Joe:

What's it like when a guest star comes in and wants to "help" in the episode he or she will be acting. I'm specifically thinking of John Cleese on Cheers.

That episode was brilliantly written by Peter Casey & David Lee. They just perfectly captured his voice and during the week of production Cleese might have offered some minor suggestions and tweaks but what you see is what Peter & David wrote.

When David Isaacs and I wrote the CHEERS episode with Johnny Carson I went to Mr. Carson before the filming and offered to change anything he didn’t feel was right and he said, “Nope. This is great.” And he did it word for word. I love that man.

Speaker of the House, Tip O’Neill guested on CHEERS season one. The original scene had him at a urinal next to Norm. He didn’t think that was appropriate (congressmen actually were worthy of respect back then) so we adjusted the scene.

I do seem to recall directing Mike Ditka once and he suggested a couple of joke fixes. I then gave him some coaching tips.

John wonders:

Ken, with the more permissive (and HBO-inspired) rules the networks have adopted for their show content in the past 10-15 years, are there any episodes you and David did from the 70s and 80s that you look back at now and think it could have been done better if some of the gags allowed today would have been permitted by Standards and Practices back then (or would looser rules resulted in the network folks forcing more shows to gratuitously sexual innuendo-up their dialogue and plot lines because they thought it would add a rating point or two)?

It really depends on the episode and subject matter. Yes, there are a lot of shows we wrote that more license would have been appreciated. But there is also something to be said for being able to be funny and sophisticated without having to resort to profanity. Sometimes that added license leads to easy but cheap laughs. It takes a little skill and elegance to come up with a genuine funny response instead of just having the character say “What the fuck?!” Both will get a laugh. Especially if Johnny Carson says it.

Rogers Motley of Richmond Virginia asks:

With all of the hubbub surrounding the changing of the guard at the NBC late night talk shows, what do you think makes a good late night television talk show host?

Most talk show hosts can be funny and spontaneous (to some degree) but the big question is can they connect with the audience? Is there a likeability? Can viewers really relate to this person? It’s a real X factor that doesn’t depend on age or even nationality. Craig Ferguson has it.

The humor can be biting, gentle, sly, topical, whatever – but the key element is this: The audience has to get the feeling that it’s the host and them against the world, not the host against them. I personally find Letterman much funnier than Leno but at times I feel he crosses that line and the jibes are at the audience’s expense. Leno never does that. And for my money, that’s why he beats Letterman even though David has the far superior show.

And then there’s Tyra Banks. What the fuck?!

It was Motown week on AMERICAN IDOL

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Let's see what's at the Sky Mall!

When I take my seat in an airplane the first thing I do is seek out the Sky Mall magazine. I am forever amazed by the ungodly prices they charge for bizarre hokey items. Who buys this crap? Here are some of the chotzkes in my most recent Sky Mall.

Vuzix iWear – Glasses that are supposed to simulate the big screen experience. $249. More if you want the iMax experience.

Gravity Defyer Shoes. Somewhat self-explanatory. $200. Or, for $4 you could tape Slinkys to your current footwear.

HairMax LaserComb – it’s a comb, it’s a laser. It’s the miracle answer to hair loss. Only $449! Perfect for that cue ball who spends thousands on a toupee that looks like a toilet seat.

X5 Hair Laser – See LaserComb but substitute metal ice pack. $299.

A Portable Alarm Clock for your iPhone. Uh, doesn’t the iPhone already have an alarm clock? $99.95.

Computer Speakers for your iPhone. Not to be confused with any speakers that are the same size and use the same plugs. $149.99.

Retractable Banner Pens – Okay, this you could really need. A thousand for only $950.

Hand Therapy Bars -- $59.

Water trappers -- $169. And they’re fade resistant!

Exclusive Microfibres Trellis Mat to protect high-traffic areas. Here’s the good news: it’s low profile so it will never obstruct your door. $149.

Ingeniously engineered EZ Bed that features an extra-plush mattress, a highly supportive frame, and new dual comfort zones. $299. Who buys a bed from a catalog? "I dunno, it sure seemed firmer in the picture."

Wolfgang Puck-designed toaster – otherwise known as a “toaster”. $99.50.

Cinema style Popcorn Maker – Who doesn’t crave seven tubs of popcorn while watching the National Geographic Channel? $199.

Electric Vortex Solo Heater – Nothing heats a room better than Vortex power. $169.

All-in-one Recycling System – patent pending. Perfect for the person who has compacted and non-compacted items. The idea Christmas gift! $299.

Personal Breathalyzer -- $199. Because expensive gadgets know when to say when.

Feature-laden solar emergency radio – Ideal for those sunny day emergencies. $80.

A Bill Sorter – for only 199 of them.

The Custom Keeper -- 25 cubic feet of storage -- A far better name than laundry hamper. $199. Pretty much everything is $199.

The world’s largest write-on map mural – Only $149. The house with cathedral ceilings at $2,000,000 is not included. But what a mural!

Voice activated R2-D2 – “makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far far away”. The ad goes on to say it features “distinctive happy and sad sounds faithfully mimicking the real thing… right down to his occasional bad mood." If you buy this (at only $169.95) you are too nerdy to live.

The Electric Tint Changing Ski Goggles – No changing goggles while hurtling down the diamond course. $249.95.

The Upside-Down Tomato Garden – $79.95.

The Hand Crank Two Way Radio – Think of all the money you’ll save on two dollar batteries! Only $99.95.

The only Digital Camera Swim Mask – And it’s waterproof! $99.95.

The Sleep Regulating Sun Lamp – It produces no harmful UV radiation so that’s a plus. $249.95

Adjustable Sheepskin Slippers – You wake up in the morning, it’s 20 degrees in the house, you want your feet to be comfy as you putter around the kitchen. $49.95.

The Motion Sickness Relief Wrist Band – It keeps time and reduces nausea! $139.95.

The Finger Drum Mousepad -- $39.95.

The Mind Spa – This comes with a Catwoman type mask and a control unit that combines soothing sounds and calming lights. $349. From SuckerBornEveryMinute Industries.

The Carbon Fiber Heated Vest --$149.95

The Continuously Freshening Feline Drinking Fountain – What cat would be caught dead drinking out of a bowl these days? $69.95. For an extra ten dollars they should throw in a cat.

The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer – It uses “proven germicidal UV technology ". And it sanitizes a toothbrush in only seven minutes! $29.95.

The Foldaway Lateral Stepper – $99.95. Or you could just step from side to side yourself for free.

And finally…

The Children’s ATM Bank – No more breaking into piggy banks, kids! Get a debit card and go to town! $39.95.

AMERICAN IDOL: "We'll be back with nothing right after the break"

AMERICAN IDOL is pre-empted Tuesday night by the President. Fans might be upset but the show’s producers aren’t. This year more than any other they have made a concentrated effort to draggggggggg outttttttt the season as long as they can. After all, this is FOX’s one big cash cow. TIL DEATH can’t hold the fort the remaining seven months.

We’ve seen it repeatedly this season. It used to be we’d get two or three sob stories during the open auditions. This year was a virtual parade of Octomoms.

A fourth judge was added. And since Kara (pictured above) offers nothing in the way of fresh perspective or personality it can only be concluded that she’s there for padding. Now we have to wade through three inane critiques before we get to Simon and the only opinion that matters.

Hollywood week now lasts longer than the NBA playoffs. To be more accurate they should rename it “Hollywood Winter”.

Results shows used to be a half hour. How long does it take to say, “Sanjaya, go away.”? Now they’re an hour. More “Up With People” production numbers with the candidates massacring the Motown catalog, more career CPR performances by Neil Diamond, endless audience shots of friends and family members who look like the cast of DELIVERANCE, and increased Algonquin Table level badinage between Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson. Thank God there are those 37 minutes of commercials to break up this tedium.

A new rule this season allows the judges to save one castoff one time, thus cleverly adding yet another week of competition. By the way, how incredibly stupid do you have to be to not know they’re going to hold this card until the end of the season to prolong this faux suspense going for as long as possible? Right. Someone needs to explain it to Paula.

And then there is AMERICAN IDOL GIVES BACK, their big splashy charity show. (Can anything beat the season Simon Cowell visited a local food bank and said he was astounded that there are hungry people in Los Angeles?)

But AMERICAN IDOL is running out of ideas. The seams are showing. So, as a public service, I offer these three suggestions for stretching the show but not having it appear at all obvious. AI producers, are you listening?

Once you reach the top ten, pause for MENTOR IDOL. Take five 60s British Invasion stars at least as famous as Lulu, let them perform and each week the public votes off another. (“Gerry of Gerry and the Pacemakers, I’m sorry buddy, it’s the end of the line.”) In five weeks you’ll have the winner then go back to the real competition. The following week begin another round of MENTOR IDOL, this time with a country theme. By my calculations you could add another YEAR to the show with just this nifty convention alone!

Make one of the weeks “Complete Opera” week.

It’s a shame to waste AMERICAN IDOL GIVES BACK on only a couple of nights. It should air every night for a month – say the month that Fox has all the baseball playoffs. Kellie Pickler could sing during pitching changes. Tatiana del Toro could replace Tim McCarver in the booth (Or anyone could replace Tim McCarver in the booth). The World Series could be played at the Kodak Theater. It’s a win-win. More weeks for you, and since the World Series probably will stretch into Thanksgiving this year you’ll get all that November Sweeps action.

And finally, add one more judge – Tommy Lasorda. You’ll never have to do another production number or show a contestant’s hometown ever again.

Good luck with the rest of the season. Take my suggestions and that could be indefinitely.

Get a bikini wax, go to jail

Shaping up to be as controversial an issue as Roe vs. Wade or even more, New Jersey (a state so free of crime that it has time to address such issues) is considering banning bikini waxing. Two women have sustained the heartbreak of infections. Why it’s almost an epidemic!

The state Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling (known for their thug-like tactics) are pushing for the ban, hoping to uncover this whole genital waxing outrage. How many New Jersey women will need Neosporin before this life-threatening practice is eradicated?

And then there are the moral implications.

The strong and very vocal lobby group, Mothers United Frontal Front (MUFF) argues that public hair is a living organism. Who are we to take a life?

And the group Righteous Unto God (RUG) claims that “the short and curlies are the Lord’s welcome mat”. There are even biblical passages to that effect but people often mistake references to “the Promised Land” as meaning something else.

Equally vocal and passionate in their defense of Bikini Waxing is the organization Sisters Halting All Vagina Eavesdropping (SHAVE) who vehemently contend that a woman’s body is her own and it’s nobody’s business other than her boyfriend, husband, or subscribers to her webcam.

Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed in the Garden State -- only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted and Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey's Division of Consumer Affairs, which oversees the cosmetology board says (and this is an actual quote), "The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume." If this is true than I have been stroking the wrong areas for nothing.

The state Board of Cosmetology will next meet on April 14 to decide whether to move forward with banning the procedure. There is, I understand, tremendous support from law enforcement agencies, who look forward to examining the female population for suspects.

The law would take effect sometime in May. So predictably, there is a huge rush for New Jersey women to get it done now. As one hirsute Fairlawn woman told me, “I will go to Brazil if I have to to get my bikini wax! Even Pennsylvania!”

I will continue to keep an eye on this story.

Will the real Ken Levine please stand up?

I’m the other Ken Levine.

There’s the Ken Levine who is a big video game designer. He’s a giant in the industry. I probably get twenty people a day logging on here thinking I’m him. Sorry. I’m not. I don’t even own a video game.

Then, according to imdb, I was the location manager on JURASSIC PARK and FLIPPER. I don’t know who that Ken Levine was but I still get Christmas cards from dolphins.

I mention all of this to set the record straight because there is a Ken Levine impostor. I know what you’re thinking – why would anyone in their right mind want to impersonate me?

Because there was a jingle.

In the early 80’s I was pulling a weekend shift as a disc jockey on KFI Los Angeles. (CHEERS had just started and who knew if it was going to last?) The station commissioned a new jingle package and one sang “Ken Levine KFI 6-40”. Next to an Emmy there is no greater honor than having your own jock jingle.

A few years after I left they hired a new guy and since they already had this nifty paid-for jingle they insisted he use the name Ken Levine.

So now I’m getting people saying they heard me on the radio. I listened to him and well, he was me with a lobotomy. I called the station manager to protest. He said, “Tough shit. Call the union” and hung up on me. Nice.

I then did call the union. That station would be sorry they ever messed with me! The AFTRA official told me there was nothing they could do. What?? As a radio performer the only thing you have to identify yourself is your name. He shrugged. I said you can’t register with SAG as Paul Newman. You can’t join the WGA as Neil Simon. Still, they were powerless. Talk about a toothless union.

For the next year I had to endure friends saying, “I heard you on KFI. What happened? You used to be funny.”

And then a few years later the station went to a talk format and I did a couple of fill-in shifts. They wondered if maybe I shouldn’t use another name because they recently had a guy named Ken Levine.

WTF!!?

I managed to keep the name and if anyone else tries to use it I will cause a shock wave. Wait a minute, that’s one of the games created by the other me. Jesus, now even I’m confused.

Scene from a bad marriage

Longtime readers of this blog (otherwise known as gluttons for punishment) know I bring up THE MARY SHOW from time time. This was an ill-fated series my partner, David Isaacs and I did for Mary Tyler Moore and CBS in the mid 80s. This is the only clip on Youtube I could find. But it gives you some idea of the show. Katey Sagal and John Astin were particularly good.

The premise for the series was that Mary manned a helpline column for a sleazy tabloid Chicago newspaper. Here's what I remember about this episode. Mary felt the other characters and those she helped on the helpline didn't appreciate her enough. This was near the end of the run when we were a little fried.

So here's how we handled it. Looking back, we might have been just a tad passive-aggressive. You decide.