What turns men off?

A recent front page story in the Los Angeles Times (on obviously the slowest news day since 1954) claims that the smell of a woman’s tears can turn off a guy to her sexually. This scientific study put a group of women in a room, showed videos of the Brad Pitt wedding or something, and as they all wept uncontrollably, collected their tears. Then horny guys were asked to smell the tears and their libidos dropped precipitously.

Who even thinks to do such a study first of all? And why? But aside from that…

Neuroscientists from the Weizmann Institute of Science claim that the fifty men in the control group experienced a drop in testosterone of 13%.

Now here’s my problem: 13%? For guys? That’s nothing. At best that’s maybe one more drink.

So the Levine Institute set about exploring this further. For a guy to be sufficiently turned off to where he doesn’t want to have sex with a woman he was previously attracted to, testosterone levels must drop 87.3%.

Here are other factors that dampen a man’s sex drive along with the percentage of how much:

She has a swastika tattoo – 7%

She wants to play her Barry Manilow mix tape during – 3%

She calls out your business partner’s name – 5%

She wants to do it at church during Christmas Mass – 2%

She says you’re smaller than her last boyfriend – 6%

She says you’re smaller than the guy an hour ago – 7%

She has 350 cats – 4%

She has a testicle collection – 8%

She has hairier legs than you – 8%

She wants to do a credit check on you first – 1%

She’s in desperate need of an exorcist – 4%

She's in desperate need of exercise -- 5%

She was a champion on FEAR FACTOR – 4%

She has to ask her stuffed animals if it’s okay to sleep with you – 1%

She wants to turn the lights out when you take your clothes off – 2%

She was once married to Marilyn Manson – 8%

She wants to check her email during – 1%

She wants to smoke during – 2%

She wants to read my blog during – 60%

She’s Orthodox and only wants to do it through a hole in a sheet – 5%

Her biker husband is in the next room – 4%

She’s a suspected serial killer -- 7% at 8 PM, 1 % at 1 AM

She doesn’t believe in birth control – 45% at 8 PM. 0% at 1 AM

She’s dead – 73.2%

She’s Ann Coulter – 93.8%

I expect at least Nobel recognition for this vital study.

Dan Ingram speaks out on Ted Williams

By now we've all seen the story of Ted Williams, the homeless toothless guy with the golden voice who was trying to get an announcing job while panhandling on a highway. A video was shot, it went viral, and he's now the darling of talk shows, doing commercials for Kraft Foods, MSNBC, NFL Films, and fielding other offers. It's certainly the feel good story of the year.

But there's another perspective. How do the professional voice over announcers feel about this? Dan Ingram has been a premiere voice talent for five decades. You've heard him on countless commercials. He also just happens to be one of the greatest Top 40 disc jockeys in the history of radio. Big Dan on powerhouse 77/WABC owned New York in the '60s and '70s...and Pittsburgh and Philadelphia and Boston and every other city on the eastern seaboard.

Dan wrote to me yesterday about the Ted Williams hysteria and I'd like to pass along his thoughts to you before you grab a sign and stake out an interstate off-ramp.   

Dear Ken,

I feel used and conned by all the sob-sister P.R. crap about the poor scab VO guy who is selling his rather resonant voice because he's an ex junkie and an ex lush. I know at least fifty thoroughly qualified VO men and women who have never been hooked on drugs or anything else who are having difficulty making a living wage doing VO work as honorable Union members. They all know from their endeavors how fickle, thoughtless and downright cruel the VO business can be. I know that I do, especially lately.

I wish him success when he hits the bricks like the rest of us. And success under a Union contract.

In solidarity,
Dan Ingram

A rookie writing mistake

From time to time I try to flag rookie writing mistakes so you can avoid making the same blunders I did early in my career. Today’s topic: writing on the nose.


On the nose refers generally to dialogue where the characters say exactly what they think.

Sally: “John, I am so mad at you because you always flirt with my sister, Carol, and you know how jealous I get and how competitive I am with her.”

Sounds pretty bald and unnatural, doesn’t it? That’s because people go to great lengths to NOT say exactly what they’re feeling. Your job as a writer is to covey what a character wants to say without having him actually say it.

What if Sally said this to John instead?

Sally: “Remind me the next time we’re at my parents. I think they have a copy of Carol’s prom picture. You can keep it in your wallet.”

Subtext is your friend.

People use sarcasm, drop subtle and not so subtle hints. They’ll lead to you a conclusion without actually spelling it out. They’ll react passive-aggressively. They’ll mask their feelings, or deny them. Sometimes they’ll just clam up altogether. Or communicate more through their tone of voice than their words.

Body language is an excellent device. Most actors would prefer conveying their attitudes via gestures, facial expressions, and posture. A person’s body language might also be completely counter to the words out of his mouth.

Sally is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Sally :“Are you kidding? I think it’s great that you and Carol get along so well.” As she says this John sees her vigorously chop off the end of a carrot.

Let someone’s behavior inform us of his or her attitude.

Sally starts flirting with Carol’s boyfriend.

Sally goes outside and has a cigarette and we’ve established that she no longer smokes.

Sally “accidentally” spills a drink in Carol’s lap.

When Sally and John are getting ready for bed that night and John is in the bathroom, Sally picks up his iPhone and checks to see if there are any texts between John and Carol and how many times he’s called her recently.

Now this isn’t to say characters never articulate their feelings, but there has to be a reason for them to. They’re cornered. They’re confronted. They’ve had a few drinks and let down their guard. They slip. They’ve left so many clues that haven’t been picked up that out of frustration they just blurt it out.

And even then, they rarely spell out word for word what they want to convey.

Sally: “Okay, you wanna know what’s pissing me off? You, John. You’re an asshole. You did everything but stick your tongue down Carol’s throat. That’s my sister, you dick!”

The point is there are alternative ways of expressing feelings. Explore them. Your characters will thank you. Or they’ll give you a little gesture that says thank you.

My favorite new iPad app!

This vital application teaches you how to roll a joint. Where was this far out app in the '60s when I was fumbling around with those Zig Zag papers?

"My boyfriend looks just like a movie star!"

One of the staples of romcom is mistaken identity. Comedy comes from the confusion of someone either posing as someone else or someone believing somebody is somebody else. When you watch and hopefully enjoy these farces do you ever think to yourself, “Oh, this could never happen in real life”?

Well here’s one that really did happen -- a few years ago in that always crazy kooky town of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
A guy and his girlfriend were watching a porno movie at 10:30 in the morning in their house. (A far better alternative than THE VIEW). The girl, 20 year old Amanda Moya (pictured above) suddenly thought a certain porn actor who had just entered the scene was in fact her boyfriend. (Wouldn’t he have to resemble the actor in two ways? But I digress.)

She went bat-shit. This is the kind of "previous experience" she must have felt he was obliged to reveal before they moved in together...and had a kid.

Amanda grabbed a large kitchen knife and started chasing him around the house. The terrified look-alike called 911 on his cell as he dodged his knife-wielding beloved.

Wearing only shorts he bolted out of the house and ran down the street for his life, still on line with 911. Meanwhile Amanda followed, hell bent to go all Benihana on him.

He breathlessly told the dispatcher that Amanda had already stabbed him and bitten him on his chest. And then he offered, “She already has battery charges against her. She’s not even supposed to be around me.” (Quick reminder: they live together. And have a child.)

The 911 operator told him to get to a store while she called authorities. (How come you never see this high-speed chase on COPS?) Amanda, with thoughts I'm sure of becoming the next Lorena Bobbitt, remained in hot pursuit.

The victim tells the dispatcher that he sees the arriving cops. But he’s worried they'll just keep heading to his house. The dispatcher says, “Do they see your girlfriend?” He says, “Yes!” She says be sure to point her out. (A crazed woman waving the O.J.-weapon-of-choice isn’t enough to catch a policeman’s attention?)

Amanda was arrested and charged with aggravated assault & battery. Sometimes a happier ending than guy-gets-the-girl is cops-get-the girl.

Watch your local listings. Scheduled for next summer release: SLICE OF LOVE starring Lindsay Lohan, and introducing Rock Hard.

My bad hair day (decade).

Top 40 stations in the 50s-mid 70s distributed survey sheets every week to local record stores (you remember record stores). These listed the top hits the station was playing and usually featured a photo of one of the disc jockeys. Here is a rare survey from KYA, San Francisco in 1974 that featured a young, skinny me with waaaay too much hair. They took this shot on a windy day, which also didn't help. I was hoping they'd take it during thick early morning fog. 

You'll notice that Cleaver is spelled with two e's. That was the station's brilliant idea to protect themselves against a lawsuit. I didn't give a shit. Half my listeners couldn't spell anyway.

Thanks to Classic Top 40 Radio and California Airchecks for the surveys.

My partner and I discuss our ersatz careers and try to look cool on television

Recently, David Isaacs and I guested on an internet interview show called "the Writers Room" hosted by writer Mark Reisman. Here's the show. It's an hour long. In that time we tell everything we know. Twice.

This is what I sounded like in 1977

Great Big Radio, despite my restraining order and seventeen injunctions, is playing one of my radio shows tonight from 8-9 PST, 11-12 EST.  It's from 1977 when I was Beaver Cleaver on KTNQ (The New TenQ), Los Angeles. Not sure what I was on besides speed and helium, but I was completely out of my mind in those days. And the music! I hope somebody at the station was getting well paid to play this stuff.

There will also be an encore from 11-12 PST, 2-3 am EST. 

You can hear it on Great Big Radio here. If you dare.

The art of doing Warm-Up

Sometimes I’ll get a Friday question that can fill up a post by itself. Today is one of those.

It’s from unkystan:

Years ago I attended tapings of shows like "Chico and the Man" and "The Jeffersons". While sets were being moved in and out we were entertained by Freddie Prinz standup, Scatman Crothers & Della Reese singing, etc. How did you keep your audiences entertained between scenes?

At MTM and Paramount, they employed both a small band and a warm-up guy. As you mentioned, with a multi-camera show, the audience (of about 200 people) is there for several hours, and there are down periods while writers confer, actors change wardrobe, sets fly in and out, and technical glitches get resolved. So he’s not just a warm-up man, he’s also a keep-‘em-warm man.

Each warm-up guy has his own style. Some are stand-up comics and have a set routine. Others do schtick like magic tricks. playing guitars, or staging little competitions.

For the first year of CHEERS I did the warm-up. We originally had a comic and week four he called in sick. Since I had done radio, Les Charles volunteered me for the job. After that taping the cast went to the Charles Brothers and asked if I’d do it every week. I was quite touched. That comic still won't talk to me.

I had no time to develop a style. I was thrown in an hour before the show. So I just decided to be conversational. The warm-up guy has two functions: keep the audience’s energy high, and even more important -- keep them involved with the story. Most comics don’t do the second part. They feel it’s sufficient to do their act. It’s not.

There usually is a break between scenes of ten to fifteen minutes. The band will play a few songs and the warm-up guy will take it back. Some of the cheaper production companies dispense with the band and to me that’s a big mistake. The band keeps the audience rocking and you don’t burn out the warm-up guy by making him fill fifteen minutes six or seven times a show.

But just before each new scene would start I would recap. “Remember, Sam and the gang went over to Gary’s bar to retaliate. Now it’s later that night and they’re coming back to the bar.”

To fill time between takes I would answer audience questions. They were often the same questions from week to week so I was ready with witty answers.

I also acted like a golf commentator, describing the behind-the-scenes activities on the floor. “Uh oh,” I’d say in a hushed tone,”It looks like we have a director, two producer confab. Wait. Ohmygod! This is unheard of. I think we’re going to have…yes, yes we are… a director, three producer confab. You were here to see it, ladies and gentlemen.” Crap like that. I would also introduce the folks on the floor – writers, crew members, etc. No one works harder on a production than the crew. These prop and sound and wardrobe people do a superb job in relative obscurity, so it’s nice to give them a chance to take a bow.

Every so often there would be technical delays that could be quite lengthy. One night at CHEERS the air conditioning went out. That was brutal. On BECKER (I was directing that episode, not doing warm-up) the power went out. The studio audience sat in the dark for a half hour. Talk about a momentum killer.

The toughest warm-up I ever did was on the very last CHEERS. The Charles Brothers asked if I would do it, and I was honored, but oh man! First of all, it was an hour and half show. Secondly, the audience was all invited guests and former staff members. Industry audiences are the worst for warm-up guys. They never ask questions. They know everything that’s going on down on the stage. I think I wound up introducing every person in the audience three times.

I always liked doing the warm-up because I felt I was really contributing to the show. A good audience can spark a better cast performance. If I wasn’t the show runner, I’d just be standing around during the taping. At least this way I was really involved.

There is an art to doing warm-up. I was well-received, but there are a few who are so good they actually make a living at it. A top notch warm-up guy can work six or seven shows a week, between sitcoms, talk shows, and game shows.

If you have hopes of becoming a warm-up person yourself someday let me get you started. When

someone in the audience asks, “Do they get the show in Boston?” you say, “They see it, but they don’t get it.” You’re halfway home.

If you have a question, please leave it in the comments section.  Most week I answer more than one.  Thanks. 

Will 3-D save Hollywood?

In the late ‘50s movie studios faced stiff competition from television. John Wayne and Elizabeth Taylor were getting their asses kicked by George Gobel and Gale Storm. And color TV was hitting the market (albeit slowly… almost one color at a time). In an attempt to make the theater experience more special, Hollywood unveiled a new way to see movies – Cinerama. Talk about a widescreen -- three projectors simultaneously showing a movie on a huge, deeply-curved screen. Even Lucy & Ethel couldn’t compete with that.

Wow! This was a revelation. I remember running to the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood to see THIS IS CINERAMA. It was really cool. You were riding on a giant rollercoaster, going through the canals of Venice, hanging out at Niagara Falls. I didn’t even care that there was no story and I was nauseous halfway through the picture.

Movies started being made in Cinerama, and after a while the novelty wore off. I recall sitting through this ponderous James Garner movie, GRAND PRIX. Endless scenes of point-of-view driving in race cars. Please make a pit stop!  Anything to break up the monotony!  Crash! 

Pretty soon the craze died down. Yeah, visually I’m sure it was eye-popping, but no one wanted to see CIRCUS WORLD or THE HALLELUJAH TRAIL. By the 70s, Cinerama was effectively over.

Another innovation Hollywood unveiled that was destined to revolutionize the movie industry was Smell-O-Vision. As absurd as this sounds, odors were pumped into theaters. A character on screen would hold up a bouquet of roses and you’d smell roses. She’d walk into a seafood store and you’d smell fish.

So when a movie stunk, it stunk!  And they did.

There were technical problems galore.  Smells weren't timed correctly, some parts of the theater got more of a blast than others, some scents were slow to dissipate.  You were left with the delightful aroma of fishy roses (which would probably still sell better than Jennifer Aniston's current perfume line is).  

This gimmick didn’t take off at all.  (Can you imagine if they tried Smell-O-Vision with a "certain scene" in SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE?)

And here we are today. Studios face competition not only from TV but now from Netflix, streaming video, DVRs, ON DEMAND, Wii, my blog, and even smart phones. Ticket prices are high, commercials are shown, and inconsiderate assholes are texting and reading email during showings. To counter this, Hollywood has unveiled its latest stunt– 3-D. Better even than IMAX, their savior that didn’t save them last decade. Do we really need to see a close-up of Mick Jagger’s face six stories tall?

As with Cinerama, there has been an initial flush of success. But I caution the studios, 3-D alone won’t do it. Ultimately, what brings people into the Cineplex is good movies. You could make THE CLASH OF THE TITANS or THE LAST AIRBENDER in 4-D, 5-D, Smell-O-Vision, holograms, or images projected directly into your brain – no one is going to come see them.

Again, it all comes down to quality. We can ride our own rollercoasters, smell our own roses, or see the world in three-dimension. What we can’t get everyday are compelling stories that move us, make us laugh, cry, scream, and marvel.

Please don’t overlook the one innovation that has been attracting people to theaters for a hundred years – writers.

Korean Vaginal Steam Baths -- Why didn't we do this story on MASH?

As you know, this is the blog to turn to for the latest updates in show business and medicine. 

Today we focus on vaginal Steam Baths. It’s the newest chic spa treatment in – where else? – La La Land.

Yes, taking its place alongside Bull Semen Hair Conditioning, Placenta Facials, Snake Massages, Nightingale Droppings Facials, and Dark Bathing Beer Baths comes V-Steam Baths. A recent article in the LA TIMES details this revolutionary new treatment.

Actually, it’s not new. Supposedly, it’s an age-old Korean stress and infertility remedy. Women sit naked on a stool over a boiling pot of a mugwort tea blended with wormwood and a variety of other herbs. Korean women have been taking Vaginal steam baths for centuries, but tell me this doesn’t sound like something Hawkeye & Trapper dreamed up to lure nurses into their tent.

Vaginal steam baths, called chai-yok are now available in a Santa Monica spa. A 30-minute squat goes for $50.00. THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS are probably stampeding over there at this very moment. For the more budget conscious -- at Daengki Spa in Koreatown, a 45-minute treatment is only $20.00. The steam includes a mixture of 14 herbs imported from Korea. Hey, don’t laugh. This is how Colonel Sanders started.

And guys -- don’t feel left out. There’s a version for you, too. Why any guy would want to steam the clams, I don’t know. But it’s an option. I'm guessing it would simulate what it's like to be married to one of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS. 

Now I can hear you, gals. You’re saying, “Darn! I don’t live in Los Angeles. I guess there’s no way for me to experience this miracle treatment.” Well, you’re in luck! You can get a complete setup for a do-it-yourself steam — open-seated stool, boiler and herbs -- for only $330.00! How did the Sky Mall miss this goldmine? To answer Britney Spears’ next question, “No, I don’t know if they have a model for the car”.

There is no hard medical evidence to substantiate that this treatment is effective, although I’m sure Hawkeye would say he’d need to observe a larger sample before making any final determination. But there are women who swear by it. The TIMES article quotes one happy customer:

Sherman Oaks-based writer Lanee Neil, said she prefers the V-Steam to the harshness of a douche and thinks of it as a "facial" for her private area.

"It's a simple, relaxing treatment," says Neil, who hopes it will help her become pregnant. "You can imagine people doing this in the forest somewhere."

More than imagine. There must be a REAL SEX segment where women do do this in the forest. If not, you’ll see one by Friday. And next season on CALIFORNICATION for sure.

So does it really work?  I don't know.  Only time will tell whether it’s a holistic godsend, or steam up your vagina is really nothing more than smoke up your ass.

The night I lifted a Buick

HOW DO YOU KNOW is very disappointing, especially considering it was written and directed by James L. Brooks. And I worry that younger readers only know of his work from his last two pictures – this and SPANGLISH. I will certainly concede that creatively he appears to be in a deep slump, but remember, this is a guy who has three Oscars, and probably more Emmys than I have credits. THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, TAXI, THE SIMPSONS, TERMS OF ENDEARMENT, BROADCAST NEWS – all his. He’d have to write thirty bombs just to break even.

I’ve been extremely blessed in my career to have had some great mentors. One was Jim Brooks. He really taught me that comedy comes out of character and truth. He taught me to dig deeper, get to the heart of a moment or character. Always strive to be fresh, unexpected, meaningful.

When I think of Jim’s influence I think of this one story.

I did punch-up one night a week on a show for Jim in the 80s called SIBS. Rewrite nights included Jim, Sam Simon, and Heide Perlman. Why they even needed me I do not know. But it was amazing watching Jim work. He was so fast and had so many ideas. Just a force of nature. On several occasions I saw him just pitch out entire scenes. I just sat there in awe. This can’t be done.

Around the same time I was also doing punch-up one night a week on WINGS. One night we were struggling over a scene, and suddenly I got a flash of inspiration. I stood up (which I NEVER do, and recommend you never do) and just pitched out the whole scene, jokes and everything. We went back and refined it, but I’d say 85% of the scene is exactly as I pitched it out whole cloth.

You hear stories about people who get a rush of adrenaline and can lift Buicks? That was me that night. I sat back down and thought to myself, “I was channeling Jim Brooks”. That’s the only time in my career I was ever able to do that. I've never come close before or since.

And he did it routinely. So when you think of Jim Brooks, please think HOW DID HE DO THAT not HOW DO YOU KNOW.

Here’s that scene I pitched for WINGS. Thanks to Suzanne Welke for knowing which episode it was in. Her encyclopedic knowledge of WINGS is even more impressive than the ability to pitch out a scene.

My predictions for 2011

In addition to debuting her own cable network, Oprah Winfrey will start her own space program, invent a new vegetable, and occupy Asia.

Hugh Hefner and new bride Crystal will call it quits after only three months when she realizes he’s apt to last out the year.

Inspired by Hef, Larry King will propose to Miranda Cosgrove.

The NBA will try to sell itself as a family sport while every player in the league has at least twenty tattoos.

Natalie Portman will be in every movie released this year.

President Obama will try to improve his approval rating by declaring he’s really a vampire.

Hollywood studios, in a desperate attempt to keep the comic book super hero craze alive will release THE GREEN HORNET, CAPTAIN AMERICA, X-MEN, THOR, and CULLIGAN MAN.

No one will care who becomes this year’s AMERICAN IDOL. Or which hundred guys Kim Kardashian dates.

BLUE VALENTINE will be a big hit, not because it’s a searing look into the state of marriage but because there’s a Michelle Williams oral sex scene.

The only difference between Mel Gibson and Michael Vick in 2011 is that Michael Vick will be able to find work.

MTV will reach a point where they will have no music programming at all. CNN will pick up the slack.

When iPhones are available on Verizon there will be a mass exodus of AT&T customers. So much so that Verizon will be overwhelmed and their service will suck.

When Charlie Sheen makes a hotel reservation he will be required to bring his own furniture.

The Detroit Tigers will win the American League Central.

Every time I mention Sarah Palin and the fact that she’s a blithering idiot and disgrace I will receive hate comments from overly-sensitive readers.

In a very special episode of CSI, Laurence Fishburne will move.

There will be people asking the clerk at Borders if the book-on-tape of the Mark Twain autobiography is read by the author.

Katy Perry and Lady Gaga will swap wardrobes.

The toughest race in this year’s Oscars will be Best Actress.

The easiest will be Best Supporting Actor. Christian Bale.

I will be coming out with two books this year. The first one very soon.

For security purposes the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding will be moved to Leonard’s of Great Neck.

Every team will make the NBA playoffs except the Clippers.

Electric cars will finally be embraced by the public now that extra-long extension cords come standard with the car.

Vince Vaughn will guest on MIKE & MOLLY as Mike’s heavier brother.

The Pittsburgh Pirates will be greatly improved and will not be mathematically eliminated until after the All-Star Break.

Lindsay Lohan will experiment with electric wine enemas.

Since this is the kind of stuff I post on Twitter I will get three new followers this year.

The networks will develop ten “GLEE” type shows and none will get on the schedule. KU KLUX KARAOKE will come closest.

Sarah Palin will announce that she plans to run for president in 2012 and that her running mate will be Snooki Polizzi.

There will not be a GULLIVER’S TRAVELS 2.

Good news for travelers:  Chernobyl reopens for tourism.  See the most horrific nuclear power plant disaster in history.  Items in the gift shop will be unrecognizable.  

Keith Olbermann’s head will get so large they’ll have to shoot his close ups from across the street.

There will be more accidents in SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL than in all the meth labs in the world combined.

According to religious nut Harold Camping, the world will end on October 21st.  Make sure your CD's mature by then. 

We will wonder how we all lived before AppleTV.

Even though Cliff Lee didn’t sign with the Yankees for more money, he will scrape by with the $120 million he did receive from the Phillies.

I will be blogging for another year... whether anyone wants me to or not.

How Diana became Annie

A reader discovered that my daughter Annie's real name is Diana and wondered how and why she made the change. Annie herself has graciously agreed to answer.

There has been an inquiry about my going by Annie rather than Diana. Most of you probably had no idea that my name was Diana unless you've either a) known me since birth b) are a friend of mine or c) have read my father's book (so that's what like two of you?). There was no "Kafka-esque metamorphosis". It was more of a Bruce Wayne/Batman secret identity thing although now that its been revealed I guess my crime-fighting days are over. So you are all to blame when Two-Face starts wreaking havoc again.

Actually my parents always called me "Annie." Other delightful nicknames include Dow Chemical, Porntip and Youngster Fishman. So its not too surprising that I chose to go by Annie instead. Though you're all welcome to call me "Porntip."

Tomorrow:  My predictions for 2011.  Last year I was right about three of them.   Okay, two.

Leftover Holiday Tweets

In case you're one of the 7 billion people who don't follow me on Twitter, this is the crap I've been tweeting this weekend: 

DEC 31

Thank God the production people from SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL weren't in charge of the giant ball dropping. Thousands would have been killed.

Who needs to go to a big New Years Eve party when I have all my close Facebook friends right here with me on the computer?

Just so there's no confusion, let's put Snooki in the big ball now so she'll be in place ready to go next New Year's Eve.

My grandmother used to say, "New Year's Eve is for amateurs!" At least I think that's what she said. She really slurred.

All 2010 calendars for 80% off at Walmart! Today only!

JAN 1

How many folks from Buffalo just saw the Rose Parade and already have the U-Haul packed for LA? It rains here and we have no NFL team.

Got Rose Bowl on mute. Even Brent Musberger's closed captions are boring and insipid.

Happy birthday to every racehorse. What an AMAZING coincidence!!

Watched the 3 Stooges marathon. Every short looked like the trailer to LITTLE FOCKERS.

My New Year's Resolution: Not to Tweet and leave Facebook comments every ten minutes. Aw shit.

Why I hate the Lakers

It's the sports team of the Hollywood elite. Good luck if a real fan wants a decent seat. He either needs to take out a loan, star in a movie, or hang out with Kim Kardashian. Ron Jacobs, in his blog, wrote a wonderful piece on the Christmas Day Lakers game complete with tons of pictures (and delightful captions provided by Ron). Here are just a few of the photos. You can check out his piece here. 

Happy New Year!

May 2011 be for you what 2010 was for Taylor Swift, vampires, the San Francisco Giants, Jeff Bridges, Lady Gaga, THE WALKING DEAD, Stieg Larsson, Jane Lynch, Michael Buble, Betty White, Brooklyn Decker, MAD MEN, Kathryn Bigelow, Andre Dawson, Jennifer Grey, Justin Bieber, Josh Hamilton, Denzel Washington, Facebook, Bryan Cranston, Jerry Rice, Hugh Hefner, Beyonce, Pokemon Heartglow, Viola Davis, the New Orleans Saints, Neil Diamond, Sandra Bullock (except the cheating asshole husband part), Mark Twain, Merle Haggard, Maura West, Lee DeWyze, Scottie Pippen, MODERN FAMILY, Twitter, Kyra Sedgwick, THE HURT LOCKER, Pandora, Scarlett Johansson, FENCES, King Felix, Kings of Leon, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, 3-D glasses manufacturers, Leon Russell, the Los Angeles Lakers, RED, Wii Sports Resort, Dino Ciccarelli, Aaron Paul, Aaron Sorkin, Coco, Joey Votto, Darlene Love, NEXT TO NORMAL, Edie Falco, Doug McIntyre, Archie Panjabi, Douglas Hodge, the Chicago Blackhawks, Eric Stonestreet, TOP CHEF, Ann-Margaret, Alice Cooper, CASH CAB, Jerry Herman, Mass Effect 2, the Rally to Restore Sanity, Henrik Sedin, Keith Richards, the Duke Blue Devils, Neil Patrick Harris, Paul Harding, AVATAR, Hope Dworaczyk, Zac Brown Band, Ohrah Winfrey (every year is a great year for her), Julie Berman, A & E, Ryan Seacrest, Michael Park, the Texas Rangers, MEMPHIS, Howard Stern, GLEE, Rachel Ray, Emmitt Smith, Catherine Zeta-Jones, LA CAGE AUX FOLLES, Richard F. Heck, Ei-ichi Negishi, Akira Suzuki, Buzz Lightyear, Drew Tyler Bell, Paul McCartney, and me for having readers like you.

Happy New Year!

Some final questions as we wrap up this year

How fitting to end the year with questions. What’s yours?

Matt starts with a follow-up question about the "how did we handle drinking on CHEERS" post:

Were the actors actually nursing beer?

They were drinking “near-beer”, 3.2 alcohol content, and it was warm. I don’t know George Wendt guzzled all that swill each week.

However, the Heinekens in the writers room were real.

VP81955 asks:

At times I see sitcom episodes directed by cast members, which I presume is one of the "perks" of their contract. What's your experience been like in those situations? Are they looking for diversifying their resume in later years -- in other words, are they genuinely interested in directing as a future endeavor -- and do you assist them when they have to act in a scene?

Some actors are excellent directors. Three that I have worked with are Alan Alda, Kelsey Grammer, and Adam Arkin. There have been other times when actors have directed and the results have been, uh… “less than stellar”. In one case, and I won’t name the actor, anytime he directed it was bizarre. Normally he was the nicest guy in the world, but the minute he stepped onto the stage as the director he became a tyrant, even snapping at his fellow cast members. The next week he was just an actor again and went back to being the sweetest guy on the planet. How the rest of the cast didn't kill I do not know.

On multi-camera shows, when actors direct they pretty much leave all the camera blocking and technical stuff to the camera coordinator. And of course, if you’re blocking a scene without regard to just how you plan to shoot it, you may block it in such a way that is hard or impossible to shoot.  Actors are too close to walls, upstaging each other, in spots where the camera can't find them, etc.  Those camera blocking days can be total nightmares. 

Kelsey was the only one I saw who really studied the cameras and participated in that aspect of the job.

Generally, when an actor directs an episode it’s one in which he’s very light. Some will ask for an objective eye like the first AD and others won’t. Of course actors in long-running series generally know their characters so well that they don’t need much guidance.

Do you know which actor was also a director? Someone I bet you wouldn’t expect. Nick Colasanto, the Coach on CHEERS. He directed tons of episodes of HAWAII 5-0 (the good version), COLUMBO, STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO, and even BONANZA.

I wonder if Ron Howard ever asked the producers of HAPPY DAYS if he could direct an episode and they told him to just stick to acting.

From Cedric Hohnstadt:

I'd love to know your thoughts, Ken: Is it possible to train yourself to be creatively "in the zone" when needed or is inspiration something that always strikes on its own random schedule?

If you write for television, especially on staff, you cannot afford to wait for the muse to come along and inspire you. You must train yourself to write on demand. Morning, night, late night, when you’re tired, have a cold, dealing with family issues, ducking a drug cartel – it makes no difference. You’re expected to be productive. This takes discipline, experience, and fear (I mean, “motivation”).

A large part of the job is being able to perform under pressure. During filming nights on multi-camera shows, when a joke bombs the writers quickly huddle and with the cast and crew waiting and two hundred people in the audience impatiently looking on, you’re expected to come up with that new killer line. You can’t say, “Let me go up to my cabin in Arrowhead for the weekend, pour myself some nice Swiss Miss, light a cozy fire, put on my “Pat Boone Sings Heavy Metal” CD, and work on it. I’ll have the joke for you on Monday.” You need it now.  Just like the drug cartel. 

Phillip B wonders:

Have you ever been approached -- or tempted - to work on an "unscripted" show?

I have an idea for an unscripted series. It’s one of those outdoorsman-type shows, where everyone wears hats and totes around rifles. HUNTING THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS. What do you think?

Happy New Year to everyone. Drive carefully tonight.

The guy who built the MASH set comments for this blog

A few weeks ago I posted photos of a MASH set built in someone's backyard.  The person who did that very graciously left this anonymously in the comments section, but I felt it was worth re-posting because as unbelievable as this might sound, not everybody reads the comments.  Thanks much to this person, whoever he is. 

I sold it over a year ago. It's now in a museum.
These pictures were not posted by me. I did not want this attention. Mainly because I could write the "wayyy to much time on his hands" comment in my sleep. These pictures were first posted on a blog I had never heard of by a friend that was last here 2 years ago.
It was something I wanted to build, and I did. Nothing more,nothing less.
I ask you. Has your hobby, or "obsession" been asked to be in a museum? If not. Maybe you need more time on your hands.
Thanks very much to all of you who made kind thoughtful comments.

My favorite quotes of 2010

Elton John -- "I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems".

"If vibrators could light the barbie and kill spiders in the bathtub, would we need men at all." -- Kathy Lette, novelist, wonders whether marriage has had its day.

"Meryl Streep looks like an unmade bed”. --  Sharon Stone.

Shaquille O'Neal, asked about becoming the fifth NBA player to score 28,000 points: “I got a call from my father and he said, ‘I'm not going to congratulate you, dummy, because if you had hit your free throws, you would have made 33,000.'”

Lil Wayne -- "Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex/ Cuz you don't want that late text, that I think I'm late text"

"I didn't really had a good answer, as so often -- is me." -- Sarah Palin, on writing notes on her hand during her Tea Party convention speech.

LPGA star Christina Kim, referring to Japanese player Sakuta Yokomine before the final round of the U.S. Women's Open: “Phew. I'm glad I don't have to play behind Yokomine today. She's slower than trying to bake a pie with a lighter.”

"We thought we could put it to better use." -- Yigal Palmor, Israeli Foreign Ministry spokesman, on his country's purchase of Twitter account @israel from Israel Melendez, a Spanish owner of a porno website.

"A lot of people say, 'I would rather have a heart attack at the height of sexual passion'. I think I would prefer to be killed by a bookcase." -- Tom Stoppard, on the ideal way to die.

James Franco -- "I spend a fair amount of time alone, especially when I travel . . . So, when I'm alone, I do masturbate a lot."

"I thought it was gum." -- Paris Hilton, denying responsibility for packet of cocaine Las Vegas police found in her bag.

"Life is such a fuckin' rollercoaster then it stops/But what should I scream for, this is my theme park" – Lil Wayne

Chris Snyder, Pittsburgh Pirates catcher, after dropping a throw that led to a one run loss: “That's a play I make 99 times out of 100. Well, I guess now it's 98 times.”


Julia Roberts on why she won’t get Botox -- "Your face tells a story - and it shouldn't be a story about your drive to the doctor's office."

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree." -- Sarah Palin, Fox News interview with Sean Hannity.

Tweet from Paris Hilton -- "So scary. Just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knives. Cops are here arresting him."

Al Michaels, NBC Sunday Night Football announcer, on how lucky he is to be living his current life: “I don't want to come back in the next life because I'll be in Mongolia in a sulfur mine working the night shift.”

"To the passenger who called me a motherfucker, fuck you., I've been in this business for years and that's it I've had it." -- Air steward Steven Slater, who grabbed two bottles of beer and slid down the emergency chute after being abused by a passenger.

Lady Gaga -- "I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina."  Yeah, what guy wouldn't want a piece of that?

Ned Colletti, Dodgers general manager, on having seen free-agent Chien-Ming Wang throw only in a parking lot before the right-hander signed with the Nationals: “He had good command, though. He didn't hit any cars or anything.”

"It's a good thing to be old, because that means you haven't died yet, right?" -- Penelope Cruz.  Uh, yes, Penelope. You’re right.

"Refudiate. English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it." -- Sarah Palin, who created the word 'refudiate', compares herself to Bard.

Doc Rivers, Boston Celtics head coach, after Glen “Big Baby” Davis suffered a concussion in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals: “I don't know what kind of test they can give him. He's delirious half the time anyway.”

"You have the honesty of Abe Lincoln and the charm of the guy who shot him." -- Dane Cook, comedian, pays tribute to departing American Idol judge Simon Cowell.

Ethan Hawke, who married his nanny after having an affair with her -- "I liken my situation to The Sound of Music, not to Jude Law."

Ringo Starr, on Vatican newspaper editorial praising band on 40th anniversary of breakup -- "I think the Vatican - they've got more to talk about than the Beatles."

"Listen, he's a nice person, but he couldn't sell watermelons if you gave him the state troopers to flag down traffic." -- Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather on Barack Obama.


"We used to hustle on over the border for health care...And I think, isn't that kind of ironic now." -- Sarah Palin, admits her family used to go to Canada for medical treatment when she was a child. Canada has a single-payer system, which Palin opposes.

"I want you to know, Mrs Obama, that I'm your husband's No 1 fan. And not just because he's a black man. He's mixed. And I wouldn't really know what that looks like anyway." -- Stevie Wonder greets Michelle Obama, wife of US president.