Thursday, December 30, 2010

My favorite quotes of 2010

Elton John -- "I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems".

"If vibrators could light the barbie and kill spiders in the bathtub, would we need men at all." -- Kathy Lette, novelist, wonders whether marriage has had its day.

"Meryl Streep looks like an unmade bed”. --  Sharon Stone.

Shaquille O'Neal, asked about becoming the fifth NBA player to score 28,000 points: “I got a call from my father and he said, ‘I'm not going to congratulate you, dummy, because if you had hit your free throws, you would have made 33,000.'”

Lil Wayne -- "Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex/ Cuz you don't want that late text, that I think I'm late text"

"I didn't really had a good answer, as so often -- is me." -- Sarah Palin, on writing notes on her hand during her Tea Party convention speech.

LPGA star Christina Kim, referring to Japanese player Sakuta Yokomine before the final round of the U.S. Women's Open: “Phew. I'm glad I don't have to play behind Yokomine today. She's slower than trying to bake a pie with a lighter.”

"We thought we could put it to better use." -- Yigal Palmor, Israeli Foreign Ministry spokesman, on his country's purchase of Twitter account @israel from Israel Melendez, a Spanish owner of a porno website.

"A lot of people say, 'I would rather have a heart attack at the height of sexual passion'. I think I would prefer to be killed by a bookcase." -- Tom Stoppard, on the ideal way to die.

James Franco -- "I spend a fair amount of time alone, especially when I travel . . . So, when I'm alone, I do masturbate a lot."

"I thought it was gum." -- Paris Hilton, denying responsibility for packet of cocaine Las Vegas police found in her bag.

"Life is such a fuckin' rollercoaster then it stops/But what should I scream for, this is my theme park" – Lil Wayne

Chris Snyder, Pittsburgh Pirates catcher, after dropping a throw that led to a one run loss: “That's a play I make 99 times out of 100. Well, I guess now it's 98 times.”

Julia Roberts on why she won’t get Botox -- "Your face tells a story - and it shouldn't be a story about your drive to the doctor's office."

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree." -- Sarah Palin, Fox News interview with Sean Hannity.

Tweet from Paris Hilton -- "So scary. Just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knives. Cops are here arresting him."

Al Michaels, NBC Sunday Night Football announcer, on how lucky he is to be living his current life: “I don't want to come back in the next life because I'll be in Mongolia in a sulfur mine working the night shift.”

"To the passenger who called me a motherfucker, fuck you., I've been in this business for years and that's it I've had it." -- Air steward Steven Slater, who grabbed two bottles of beer and slid down the emergency chute after being abused by a passenger.

Lady Gaga -- "I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina."  Yeah, what guy wouldn't want a piece of that?

Ned Colletti, Dodgers general manager, on having seen free-agent Chien-Ming Wang throw only in a parking lot before the right-hander signed with the Nationals: “He had good command, though. He didn't hit any cars or anything.”

"It's a good thing to be old, because that means you haven't died yet, right?" -- Penelope CruzUh, yes, Penelope. You’re right.

"Refudiate. English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it." -- Sarah Palin, who created the word 'refudiate', compares herself to Bard.

Doc Rivers, Boston Celtics head coach, after Glen “Big Baby” Davis suffered a concussion in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals: “I don't know what kind of test they can give him. He's delirious half the time anyway.”

"You have the honesty of Abe Lincoln and the charm of the guy who shot him." -- Dane Cook, comedian, pays tribute to departing American Idol judge Simon Cowell.

Ethan Hawke, who married his nanny after having an affair with her -- "I liken my situation to The Sound of Music, not to Jude Law."

Ringo Starr, on Vatican newspaper editorial praising band on 40th anniversary of breakup -- "I think the Vatican - they've got more to talk about than the Beatles."

"Listen, he's a nice person, but he couldn't sell watermelons if you gave him the state troopers to flag down traffic." -- Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather on Barack Obama.

"We used to hustle on over the border for health care...And I think, isn't that kind of ironic now." -- Sarah Palin, admits her family used to go to Canada for medical treatment when she was a child. Canada has a single-payer system, which Palin opposes.

"I want you to know, Mrs Obama, that I'm your husband's No 1 fan. And not just because he's a black man. He's mixed. And I wouldn't really know what that looks like anyway." -- Stevie Wonder greets Michelle Obama, wife of US president.


Brian H said...

That Dane Cook joke isn't bad. I wonder who wrote it.

Gray said...

For the second year in a row, Americans rank Sarah Palin as the 2nd most admired woman in the world.

Locusts! Incoming!

amyp3 said...

That Julia Roberts quote makes me like her a lot more.

Peter Lynn said...

Contemporary theater critics called John Wilkes Booth "the handsomest man in America," and he was deluged by fan mail from infatuated women. One thing he didn't lack was charm. Dane Cook actually paid Simon Cowell a hell of a compliment.

Michael Hagerty said...

God Bless Stevie Wonder.

But Dan Rather....watermelons, Dan? Really?

Kianess said...

Ken--thought you might enjoy this article.

The quotes were hysterical...thanks for collecting them all year long for us. This is the only best of list worth reading.

James said...

Three Palin quotes and nothing from The Tele-Prompter In Chief?

Ken, you need immediate treatment for Palin Derangement Syndrome.

MBunge said...

"Three Palin quotes and nothing from The Tele-Prompter In Chief?"

Is there any point to right wing teleprompter jokes besides "See! That black guy really ain't so smart"? I can think of a different context, but I'm not sure it's one that's occured to conservatives.


Fritz Holznagel said...

Those Obama teleprompter jokes are just the same old Ailes/Rove gag: when you've got someone you fear, attack their strengths, not their weaknesses.

And also, their candidates say "refudiate" and "is our children learning."

All the politics aside, great list! My fave is the Lincoln one, I think -- though I wonder why he said "the guy who shot him" rather than "John Wilkes Booth." Wonder if he didn't think Cowell, as a Brit, would know the name?

l.a.guy said...

Brian H said...
"That Dane Cook joke isn't bad. I wonder who wrote it."

The first thing I thought when I read it was, wow, Dane Cook actually once said something funny.

Two quotes from Lil Wayne, who knew Ken was such a big fan of rap? I have to admit they're clever lyrics, I may actually have to listen to Lil' some time.

I'm an independent, so I generally don't like it when either side vilifies or picks on the opposition, but why the hell does anyone stick a microphone in front of Sarah Palin's face? She was the Governor of a state with a population 1/18th the size of Los Angeles County and couldn't complete her term. Prior to that she mismanaged a city of 10,000, a population so small it would barely fill half of the Staples Center. If I want advice about hunting Alaskan Moose then she's the first call I'll make, otherwise I don't want to hear another word from her.

Ref said...

@Brian. I agree with you on most of your points, but don't you mean you're a centrist rather than an independent? I'm an independent, too, but only because most Democrats are too conservative and center-to-right leaning to suit me!

D. McEwan said...

Great collection!

As has been pointed out, John Wilkes Booth was in fact, extremely, and professionally, charming. As to why Cook said "The guy who shot him" instead of naming Booth, must I point out the obvious? He didn't know Booth's name. He's lucky he knew Lincoln's name, and didn't just say "the guy on the pennies," or "that Robot president at Disneyland.".

Sarah Palin screwed up her words and then, after she got called on it, tried to pass it off as deliberate coining of a new word, and on a par with Shakespeare yet! Pathetic. (As everything about that evil, hypocritical, and bone-ignorant harridan is.) Did anyone point out to her that when Shakespeare coined new words, he did itintentionally?

Lil Wayne should realize that the late text when you haven't used condoms isn't "I'm late, Lil Wayne" it's "I'm the late Lil Wayne." The danger isn't pregnancy; it's dying of AIDS.

Shouldn't someone remind Lady Gaga that he hasn't got a vagina?

Dan Rather, along with needing to learn not to make watermelon references when speaking about black people, needs to remember that Obama did a damn fine job of selling himself to the American public, or did Rather miss that whole elected-to-the-the-presidency thing?

Hey Ethan Hawke, you forgot to include Robin Williams on that list of men who married their kid's nannies. I'm sure the first Mrs. Robin Williams, mother of two of his kids, would like to remind you of it.

Dear Sir Elton John: I think Jesus was a myth! There is no evidence whatever that this Jesus guy ever lived at all. He's most-likely a compendium of various 1st Century Evangelists cobbled together enough years later that there were few left to say to "Saint" Paul: "Hey Paulie, you're just making it up as you go along."

This "Kathy Lette" person, whoever the heck she is, has forgotten about that whole procreation thingee. Take her Lesbo advice, and The Human Race dies out in one generation.

Sharon Stone knows of what she speaks. She's unmade a lot of beds herself. I remember a film she did with Michael Douglas where, in one famous scene, she looked like a poorly-lit shag carpet.

Tom Stoppard, much as I revere him as one of our greatest living playwrights (Really, the man is fucking brilliant!), needs to reconsider the attractions of dying peacefully in one's sleep.

I'd be more than happy to help out James Franco with his little "loneliness" problem. After all, once you've cut off your arm, masturbation becomes considerably more challenging. So does his film title 127 Hours refer to how much time in any given week that he spends watching porn? (I've cut back to just 75 hours myself.)

How does one get a "Communications Degree" without learning how to construct a sentence - or learning anything else? If she actually has a degree (Which I doubt. She doesn't suggest a person with an education.), it's in "Animal Murdering For Fun."

Dear Miss Cruz, someone calling you "old" doesn't mean you're not dead. Hearing someone call you "old" means you're not dead. Mark Twain is old and dead! (And yet, he put out a new book this year. Being dead is no longer an excuse for not writing. Come on, Charles Dickens, finish The Mystery of Edwin Drood already, you slacker!

Little Stevie Wonder is 60 now. He's become Little Old Stevie Wonder. He's not dead though.

rock golf said...

Canada does not have a "single payer system". We have an "everybody pays" system, since all health care is covered by taxes. But really, Palin's hypocrisy is still news at this point?

D. McEwan said...

Palin's hypocrisy remains important to emphasize and re-emphasize as long as there's even one insane bozo out there who would vote for that bloodthirsty, bone-ignorant cow for anything.

TLC has asked her for a second season of her revolting, hypocritical TV show. You know, her let's-see-the-wildlife-of-Alaska-and-get-our-kicks-killing-it show? That there were enough viewers to justify renewing it shows we still have work to do, until her career is buried at a crossroads with a stake through its heart, and the ground where she's buried sown with salt.

Brian Phillips said...

With regard to the Dan Rather Watermelon Comment, what preceded it (thank you YouTube) was, "The Republicans will make a case and a lot of independents will buy this argument...".

Now, watermelons was a bad choice of metaphor to use when discussing President Obama and he probably didn't mean it, if his Civil Rights record is any indication. It is reminiscent of the infamous "monkey" comment Howard Cosell made about Alvin Garrett. Both men used a phrase from their private life that could be construed improperly.

I don't remember Cosell apologizing for what he said (I genuinely don't). Rather apologized for the use of the term, but he then blasted YouTube and Twitter for allowing this remark (made on television, it should be stressed) to go "viral".

Being African-American and having seen a postcard with watermelons around the White House which I would have kvelled to say was from less enlightened times before I was born, but I can't, because it is just a couple of years old, on one level, yes, I take offense at the Rather comment.

However, what he said was, "The Republicans will make a case...", therefore you COULD construe this as him saying that the Republicans would say something like that, with implied racism intact, as long as it got Obama out of office.

I am sure there are more recent examples of this, but in a mayoral election in Chicago, in 1983, Harold Washington (Obama moved to Chicago during the Washington years) ran against Bernard Epton, who, for a time, used the slogan, "Epton for mayor... Before it's too late".

So, it's not an impossible scenario. Lest anyone think I am letting the Dems off easy, the Democratic Machine of Chicago was rather tough of African-Americans, too. Listen to the story "Harold" from the "This American Life" program, for further insight:

So, I don't think Rather a racist, I just think he goofed. However, when you goof, say, "I goofed, oh, BOY did I goof" and get past the goof.

Anonymous said...

Someone's obsessed.

Brandi Ford said...

I don't post comments very often but I just had to after seeing two Lil Wayne quotes, the first of which is one of my favorites. Ken, you entertain me more and more each day. Happy New Year!

bevo said...

Brian: Yes, the Harold story on This American Life was really well done. I am smarter for having listened to it.

As to the Dan Rather quote, leaving the watermelon comment aside, the actual point of it was on target. Obama is a nice guy. He has embodied that pollster question, "I would like to have a beer with him."

Unfortunately, for Americans, the guy cannot sell his policies. Where to begin? Healthcare. Finance reform. Tax cuts. The guy collapses faster than a cheap suit.

Skip Rather's poor choice of imagery (I would have gone with an inability to sell winter coats to Eskimos) and focus on the substance of his comment. (Sadly), It was the correct observation.

Brian Phillips said...

To bevo: "Sell" is the key word. The Obama administration has achieved a great deal (and no, I don't think that it has all gone perfectly and that he can do no wrong), D. McEwan is quite right in what he said about Obama's election, but the voices that get more coverage now are the contrary ones. It's not as if he cannot speak well, but the administration needs to be a bit like Microsoft. You needn't build a better mousetrap, but if you do build one, hype it like crazy! Up until the Zune and Vista, this worked great, but then again, how many copies of Windows 7 have been sold?

This is a list of what has been achieved under the Obama administration.

Also, for a few surprisingly prescient words, go here:

And although it's been said many times, many ways, great list!

And as for "Anonymous", Am not!Am not!Am not!Am not!Am not!Am not!Am not!Am not!...

MBunge said...

"There is no evidence whatever that this Jesus guy ever lived at all."

I think it's hilarious when folks say stuff like this, because they obviously haven't thought through the alternative. When you break it down, if somebody called Jesus didn't exist than what had to have happened is even more fantastic and unbelievable than the Supreme Being impregnating virgin thing.

Now, the divinity of Christ? Whole 'nother story.


Abie the Fish Peddler said...

I have no trouble believing that Sarah Palin has a degree in communications. First, it is not exactly one of the hard courses. Second, let us not forget that she bounced around four or five different colleges. I figure that the Alaska educational system finally gave her a degree just to get rid of her.

miles_underground said...

"Refudiate" is a perfectly cromulent word.

D. McEwan said...

"MBunge said...

'There is no evidence whatever that this Jesus guy ever lived at all.'

I think it's hilarious when folks say stuff like this, because they obviously haven't thought through the alternative. When you break it down, if somebody called Jesus didn't exist than what had to have happened is even more fantastic and unbelievable than the Supreme Being impregnating virgin thing."

What is "fantastic" and "unbelievable" about several people whose profession was getting money out of people by selling a bunch a fairy tales, making up a story by combining bits of the lives of a lot evangelists, adding some ridiculous added elements like The Christmas Myth and The Resurrection Myth, and then selling it as true to the gullible and stupid more than half-a-century after these "events" allegedly occurred in a world where travel was rare and mass media non-existant, so there were few left who could say: "None of that ever happened."?

But is there any proof
this Jesus guy ever existed?

Not one iota.

Buttermilk Sky said...

Who told Sarah Palin about Shakespeare?