Monday, January 03, 2011

My predictions for 2011

In addition to debuting her own cable network, Oprah Winfrey will start her own space program, invent a new vegetable, and occupy Asia.

Hugh Hefner and new bride Crystal will call it quits after only three months when she realizes he’s apt to last out the year.

Inspired by Hef, Larry King will propose to Miranda Cosgrove.

The NBA will try to sell itself as a family sport while every player in the league has at least twenty tattoos.

Natalie Portman will be in every movie released this year.

President Obama will try to improve his approval rating by declaring he’s really a vampire.

Hollywood studios, in a desperate attempt to keep the comic book super hero craze alive will release THE GREEN HORNET, CAPTAIN AMERICA, X-MEN, THOR, and CULLIGAN MAN.

No one will care who becomes this year’s AMERICAN IDOL. Or which hundred guys Kim Kardashian dates.

BLUE VALENTINE will be a big hit, not because it’s a searing look into the state of marriage but because there’s a Michelle Williams oral sex scene.

The only difference between Mel Gibson and Michael Vick in 2011 is that Michael Vick will be able to find work.

MTV will reach a point where they will have no music programming at all. CNN will pick up the slack.

When iPhones are available on Verizon there will be a mass exodus of AT&T customers. So much so that Verizon will be overwhelmed and their service will suck.

When Charlie Sheen makes a hotel reservation he will be required to bring his own furniture.

The Detroit Tigers will win the American League Central.

Every time I mention Sarah Palin and the fact that she’s a blithering idiot and disgrace I will receive hate comments from overly-sensitive readers.

In a very special episode of CSI, Laurence Fishburne will move.

There will be people asking the clerk at Borders if the book-on-tape of the Mark Twain autobiography is read by the author.

Katy Perry and Lady Gaga will swap wardrobes.

The toughest race in this year’s Oscars will be Best Actress.

The easiest will be Best Supporting Actor. Christian Bale.

I will be coming out with two books this year. The first one very soon.

For security purposes the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding will be moved to Leonard’s of Great Neck.

Every team will make the NBA playoffs except the Clippers.

Electric cars will finally be embraced by the public now that extra-long extension cords come standard with the car.

Vince Vaughn will guest on MIKE & MOLLY as Mike’s heavier brother.

The Pittsburgh Pirates will be greatly improved and will not be mathematically eliminated until after the All-Star Break.

Lindsay Lohan will experiment with electric wine enemas.

Since this is the kind of stuff I post on Twitter I will get three new followers this year.

The networks will develop ten “GLEE” type shows and none will get on the schedule. KU KLUX KARAOKE will come closest.

Sarah Palin will announce that she plans to run for president in 2012 and that her running mate will be Snooki Polizzi.

There will not be a GULLIVER’S TRAVELS 2.

Good news for travelers:  Chernobyl reopens for tourism.  See the most horrific nuclear power plant disaster in history.  Items in the gift shop will be unrecognizable.  

Keith Olbermann’s head will get so large they’ll have to shoot his close ups from across the street.

There will be more accidents in SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL than in all the meth labs in the world combined.

According to religious nut Harold Camping, the world will end on October 21st.  Make sure your CD's mature by then. 

We will wonder how we all lived before AppleTV.

Even though Cliff Lee didn’t sign with the Yankees for more money, he will scrape by with the $120 million he did receive from the Phillies.

I will be blogging for another year... whether anyone wants me to or not.


Carl Croom said...

Most of these sound just about right.
And I'm sure there are dozens , if not scores, of people who want you to continue to blog. Definitely one of the most informative, entertaining and honest blogs out there.

Max Clarke said...

Wouldn't be a bad idea for Oprah to start a space venture, NASA has given up on manned flights. They'll have to use the Russians' rockets to send Americans into space.

If Christian Bale wins for Supporting Actor, will he accept in his real voice or his very authentic Bruce Wayne dialect?

DonBoy said...

There will be people asking the clerk at Borders..

Based on the financial news about Borders, this is already a high-risk prediction.

Kyle said...

Hope you're right about the Tigers, Ken! And wrong about "Klu Klux Karaoke".

The Curmudgeon said...

I'm so glad you will be blogging for another year -- but why would you predict the Tigers to win the AL Central when the White Sox kept Konerko and signed Adam Dunn? I don't know that the Sox will win the World Series -- frankly, with the Phillies rotation, I don't know why their opponent in the Fall-Verging-On-Winter Class will even bother to show up -- but not Detroit! Please.

The Curmudgeon said...

Classic. Sheesh.


Sally creeping down the alley said...

Besides you, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows who the Culligan Man is, which is very sad.

emily said...

Imagine a new show, CSI: Blue, starring Lawrence Fishburne and Tom Selleck. One camera setup for the entire season.

Anonymous said...

Fixed your post:

"In a very special episode of Blue Bloods, Tom Sellick will move."

Eduardo Jencarelli said...

You won't be getting hate comments from me. In fact, I will always cheer and applaud any time there's Sarah Palin bashing.

Ben said...

As an avid reader of your blog Ken I am seriously offended that you say there will be no GULLIVER’S TRAVELS 2.

Matt Patton said...

So . . . Katy Parry will start wearing top-sirloin evening gowns and Lady Gaga will start firing fireworks from her nipples?

AlaskaRay said...

A little later I'll be posting my predictions for 2010. May this year I'll get a couple right.


Debby G. said...

Two books this year? You buried the lede, you tease. Spill.

Unknown said...

I think you misunderstood what the oral sex was in Blue shouldn't be so quick to assume.

Anonymous said...

These are all so funny.

You should try writing as a
career. Hehehehehe.

Powerhouse Salter said...

Calendar date 11-11-11 will get its own special.

Charles H. Bryan said...

Last year, in some comment on this blog, I made the bold prediction (based on its annual occurrence) that the Tigers would swoon after the All-Star break -- and they did.

I'll make the same prediction this year. It doesn't stop me from rooting for them to prove me wrong.

Mike Barer said...

I just realized how bad 2010 was for veteran sports announcers. Bob Blackburn (sonics), Ernie Harwell, Dave Niehaus, Ron Santo all went to the big studio last year. There may have been more.

Mike Barer said...

I meant to include Dandy Don in that too.

Earl B said...

"Up, up, and away!"
"Avengers Assemble!"

Horse said...

Customer: Is the book-on-tape of the Mark Twain autobiography read by the author?

Borders employee: What does it matter? The publisher didn't send us any copies after we ran out of money to pay them. Be sure to stop in next week for our Going Out of Business sale!

Borders has been very interesting this week.

William M said...

Hey Ken, you forgot another prediction for 2011:

"I won't be doing any dream interpretations."

I posted in your Dec 31st "Final Questions for New Year" column my dream I had with YOU in it!

I asked for your interpretation, as it involved perhaps a larger issue in my life.

I'd appreciate your feedback!
Thanks & Happy New Year!

amyp3 said...

You forgot - It will snow in NYC and New Yorkers will behave as if that's the first time it's ever happened anywhere.

And Ken made the Tigers prediction just to please my elderly mother.

Gary said...

Heeeeyyyy, Culligan Man! I think a lot of folks realize who the Culligan Man is. He's the one reading the Autobiography of Mark Twain on CD. But he sounds a lot like Hal Holbrook.

By Ken Levine said...


I'll interpret your dream on a Friday. In the meantime, I'm getting a restraining order whenever you go to sleep. :)


Phillip B said...

"Hey, Culligan Man" would make a hell of a movie.

James Blight said...

"Good news for travelers: Chernobyl reopens for tourism."

Actually, we have a travel show in Canada called "Departures," where the travellers try to hit off-the-beaten-path areas of the world. Their third season premiere in Russia included a visit to Chernobyl (in radiation suits, no less). Highly recommended.

te said...

"Hey, Culligan Man" would make a hell of a movie.

Dan Aykroyd's agent is already on the case.

molly said...

My brother had his bar mitzvah at leonard's of great neck in 1972 - i have not been there since

Anonymous said...

I recall an episode of MY NAME IS EARL where Jon Favreau was an absolute blimp, the next time I saw him being interviewed about IRON MAN he was the same guy I remember seeing in SWINGERS.

So maybe there is still hope for Vince Vaughn to "return to form".

Buttermilk Sky said...

PLEASE continue to blog, and don't stint on the Palin bashing.

You think Olbermann is juicing?

Paul said...

AppleTV? Really? Somebody bought that thing? Video game systems do Netflix, Hulu, VUDU, MLB.TV, NHL, ESPN, have their own stores to purchase/rent video content, and streams videos from PCs and Macs. Plus Blu-Ray if you have a PS3.

Cap'n Bob said...

The organization you're spoofing is the Ku Klux Klan. No "l" in Ku.

I got a gift certificate for Borders for Xmas. I ran down and used it today before it became an outsized guitar pick.

I've know about the Culligan Man since the sixties. Maybe sooner. He was the mascot for the Culligan water softening system.

DwWashburn said...

Although Oprah may not invent a vegetable, she will give one its own show. I think the Gayle King show starts soon.

Unknown said...

Leonard's of Great Neck!

I bartended weddings there while wasting my time in college.

Oh, the stories I could tell... if I could remember anything from that decade.

I enjoy your blog almost as much as I enjoy Kim K's booty -- keep blogging, please!

benson said...

That could be the plot for Gulliver II. The Culligan Man helps Gulliver on Gilligan's Island with a very special appearance by the Harlem Globetrotters. And a cameo by the Tidy Bowl Man.

OT..@Curmudgeon, we got nada in the bullpen. Lots of 12-11 games.

Anonymous said...

Surest prediction to come true, ever: Kathy Griffin will cease to be funny, witty, and/or insightful in anything she says, for the 51st consecutive year of her existence...

AtlanticHockey said...

Here's someone else's prediction that ought to interest Ken.

Anonymous said...

The real "Culligan Man" was Dal Williams who ran his own Advertising Agency "Dal Williams Adv." His wife (Mrs. Williams) was the female voice in the commercials.

VP81955 said...

As an avid reader of your blog Ken I am seriously offended that you say there will be no GULLIVER’S TRAVELS 2.

The only way a "Gulliver's Travels 2" gets made is if Katy Perry and Lady Gaga are cast as the Brodbingnagians.

leor said...

Ken, a question for you...have you been following story about the homeless guy with the golden voice?

i'd be very interested in your thoughts on that one!