EP49: Celebrity Dish Part 2

More with entertainment reporter Arlen Peters who has interviewed hundreds of major Hollywood stars.This week they discuss Robin Williams, Meryl Streep, Richard Pryor, Miss Piggy (who has her own hair and make-up person), Quentin Tarantino, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, kidnapped heiress Patty Hearst, and astronaut Buzz Aldrin who walked on the moon. Lots of good, bad, and strange behavior. But in Hollywood would you expect anything less?

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

How to be a good showrunner

Here's a Friday Question that became an entire post.  I know the WGA has seminars on this and some colleges offer courses in this, but the following points are pretty much everything you need to know.   (Reminder: Whenever I can't think of an appropriate picture I always post Natalie Wood photos.)

The question is from Brian Hennessy.

Hey Ken - can I ask you what are mistakes that first time showrunners make?

1. Not communicating with your staff. It’s not enough to have your vision for the show; you need to clearly share it with your other writers. Don’t just assume. It’ll be hard enough for them without trying to figure out what’s in your head. Same is true with your editor and directors.

2. Be very organized. Time will go by much faster than you think. From day one lay out a plan. You want so many outlines by this date, so many first drafts by that date, etc.

3. Don’t squander that period before production begins. It’s easy to knock off early or move meetings back. But this is golden time before the crunch when actors arrive, cameras roll, and a thousand additional details require your attention.

4. Accept the fact that the first draft of the first script you receive from every staff member will look like a script from the last show they were on. It will take them time to adapt to your show.

5. Remember that every writer is not a “five-tool player” as they say in baseball. By that I mean, some may be strong at story but not jokes, or punch-up but not drafts. Not everybody is good at everything.  Consider that when putting together your staff.

6. Hire the best writers not your best friends.

7. Hire at least one experienced writer. Otherwise, on top of everything else you're doing, you're re-inventing the wheel. 

8. Don’t show favoritism to some writers over others. It destroys morale and no one loves a teacher’s pet.

9. Pick your fights with the network and studio. Don’t go to war over every little note. Antagonizing everyone all the time is a good way to ensure this will be your only showrunning gig. Yes, you’re an artist and you’re trying to protect your vision. And yes, a lot of the notes are moronic, but you have to hear them out. You have to consider them. You have to do the ones you can live with. The best way to get your way is to get them on your side.

10. Don’t overwork your staff. This goes back to being organized. There’s only so many times you can whip the same horse. Your people are dedicated to the show but not to the extent you are. They’re not getting any back end deals. They’re not getting interviewed by ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. This show may be your whole life but they want to go home.

11. Praise your staff. If they turn in a good draft, let ‘em know. This sounds like such a simple thing but you’d be surprised how many showrunners don’t do it.

12. Respect the crew and learn their names. When you walk onto the set, greet them.  They’re not just a bunch of convicts picking up litter along the side of the expressway. They’re dedicated highly-trained professionals who never get any recognition. Take the time to know who they are.

13. Take care of yourself. On the weekends get plenty of sleep. Eat right. Relax. It’s a long haul.

14. Never make your staff work late nights if you’re not there with them.

15. Don’t get so caught up in the work and the grind that you forget to have some fun. You’re running your own show. That’s a rare opportunity. Enjoy it… or at least as much as you can before you have to put out another fire.

16. A good way to completely destroy any morale is to automatically put your name on every script and share credit with every writer. You may win in arbitration but you lose your troops. The trade off is not worth it. You’re getting paid more money than anybody already. Let your writers receive full credit and residuals.

17. Accept responsibility. When things go wrong (and they will) ultimately you’re the one in charge. Not saying you can’t make changes in personnel if someone doesn’t work out, but don’t be constantly playing the blame game. You’re the showrunner. You take the hit.

18. On the other hand, don’t take all the credit. When ideas and scripts and jokes come from other people, publicly acknowledge their contribution.

The bottom line is a showrunner has to develop people skills and management skills as well as writing skills. You may have enormous talent but that will do you no good when your staff firebombs your car with you in it. Good luck. The work is hard but the rewards are enormous.  Wasn't Natalie gorgeous? 

Don't cry!

I don’t watch many reality shows. Very few. Almost none. I used to watch more scouring for ridiculous ones to review and make fun of.  Sadly, there are less of those. Where are the new PREGNANT IN HEELS or INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANTS?

One of the shows I do watch is SHARK TANK. I like it, and my friend Harry’s wife works on it. But one thing drives me crazy.

Is it possible to do a reality show without having someone cry? It’s gotten beyond ridiculous. In the early days of television there was a game show called QUEEN FOR A DAY. Women would compete for the saddest sob stories. It was one icky tear-jerker after another. Finally, a winner was crowned “Queen for a Day.” Destitute housewives were given washer-dryers and blenders.

Those contestants were amateurs compared to today. People have complete breakdowns over cake decorating. Men wail like little girls if they’re not selected for dates.

Clearly, most or all of it is for show. America is a sucker for weep porn. The problem, of course, is that reality has become the “Genre that Cried Wolf.” There’s so much emotion that none of it lands. And the result is that these shows all seem manipulative, bogus, and quite frankly insulting.

I now hate ANYONE who cries on a reality show. More than that I fast-forward through them. So if you go on one of these programs and want a total stranger to hate you just start weeping on national television.

Come on, you people. Man up. It’s just a blender. A fucking blender.

Breaking my silence

Readers have been asking me to share my views on all the recent Sexual Harassment Scandals and wondering why I’ve been relatively silent so far.

Here’s the reason: I don’t need the aggravation.

First: to be clear – I absolutely condemn those who commit these acts. And it’s not even a matter of misuse of power. These predators are sick fucks.

But when I write anything that is even mildly controversial I leave myself open to a blizzard of angry comments. I’m called a racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. And that could be over “what’s the best hamburger?”

I was actually in the middle of writing a post about sexual harassment and how it related to the writing room from an insider’s perspective when yesterday’s Woody Allen post went up. And the amount of shit I took for it was unbelievable. As if I’m condoning rape by showing a YouTube video of an AFI Tribute.  

So I said the hell with it and scrapped the writers room post. Life’s too short. The subject matter is too charged to have a civil conversation today. People are way less willing to consider viewpoints that might not be 100% consistent with their own.

So why bother?

No one’s paying me to write this blog. I’m not beholden to any sponsors to produce ratings.

So I’m saving myself the trouble. There are plenty of other writers discussing this topic. You’re welcome to read and denounce them.

Photo from ABC News

Woody Allen is still funny

There was a time when Woody Allen was the funniest guy in show business.  Yes, it was a long time ago, but his stand up act was brilliant and his early movies were hysterical.  The films he makes now that are alleged comedies are tepid at best, and honestly I've been very disappointed.  Woody Allen was an early idol of mine and today I can't bring myself to see his current movies.

But recently he roasted Diane Keaton who was honored with an AFI Lifetime Achievement Award and damn, the guy's still got it.   Listen to the quality of these jokes.   Where have you been, Woody?  I've missed you.

UPDATE:  Just to be clear because I'm already getting angry comments.  I do not in ANY way condone his behavior and there was a time I refused to see his movies just on principle.   What I'm focusing on in this post is his talent.   If you loathe Woody Allen and are not interested in anything he does then fine.  I totally understand that.  Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow.  

Come see my plays this weekend!

I have two (count ‘em – TWO) ten-minute one act comedies playing this weekend off Broadway. And by off Broadway I mean the San Fernando Valley. They’re part of an evening of one-acts at the Eclectic Company Theatre – at 5312 Laurel Canyon Blvd. in historic Valley Village. The other plays are terrific.

For tickets you can go here.

Tonight's show starts at 8:00 PM.  Sunday's showtime is 7:00 PM. I’ll be there for both performances.

My two plays are THE CAN’T MISS GIRL (which I also directed -- so think: Spiderman the Musical) and MAKE IT STOP: A CHRISTMAS PLAY.

It’s a fun night of live original theatre and it gets you out of the house. Hope to see you there tonight or tomorrow night. Or both. 

Thanks.

Friday Questions

Don’t you find yourself at the beginning of every month saying “I can’t believe it’s ______________ already?” I do. Insert: December. Here are this week’s Friday Questions.

Poochie gets us started.

You talk a lot about plays on your blog. You talk a lot about Cheers (obviously). So maybe I missed it, but have you ever discussed Cheers: Live on Stage. It sounds like it came straight out of Diane Chamber's guest stint on Frasier. My mind is blown that such a thing exists. I'd love to see it, but apparently they canceled plans for a national tour and the reviews were mediocre, putting it kindly.

Can you comment on this? Had you seen it or read a script? What did you think about the show itself or even just the concept of a bunch of look a likes recreating snippets from Cheers? Were there royalties?

I thought it was a terrible idea.  Just a Paramount money-grab.  The TV characters are so ingrained in your mind that the best these actors could do would be to mimic their TV counterparts. I felt bad for the actors. They were in a complete no-win situation.

And none of the CHEERS writers were involved. What I understand they did was cobble together a story using sections from actual scripts from the first season. Now this really pissed me off. If they were using any of my dialogue or my storylines I should have been paid and given credit. I wasn't.

Understandably, when my agent asked for a copy of the script Paramount would not provide it.

I am not brokenhearted it's not going forward.  If you want to see CHEERS at its best, watch the TV show.

Edward asks:

You mentioned on one of your podcasts that while on MASH staff, you and David replicated an episode that already aired years earlier (unnecessary surgery). As a writer, I am sure you felt horrible from a creative perspective (and maybe there were WGA/plagiarism issues), but if you are the Exec Producer, is repeating a similar storyline that bad if its 4-5 seasons later and it involves different characters? There are many new viewers to the show that likely missed a few seasons or long-time viewers that missed a few episodes for whatever reason.

I feel it is bad to knowingly repeat yourself. And with the way people binge-watch today, it’s not five seasons later it’s two days later.

That said, I’m way more forgiving for shows that turned out 39 episodes a year instead of 22. We're talking the '50s and '60s.  And shows weren’t quickly in syndication back then so four or five years could go by before an early episode was ever shown again. Look at the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. There are a couple of episodes in its final season that are direct copies from episodes in their first. But like I said, they made almost twice as many episodes a year as we do now. I don’t know how they did it – especially the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW which was so well-written and smart.

From angel:

My question is in regard to the helicopter story lines on M*A*S*H. I have heard that it cost a lot of money to call in a helicopter. Were you restricted as to how many stories could involve the helicopter each season?

I never dealt with the budget. Our showrunner, Burt Metcalfe handled that. But we knew if there was an episode with a lot of production one week we needed a “bottle” show the next. A “bottle” show is one that is generally very contained and under budget. An example might be an episode that centers around a poker game in the Swamp or an all-night OR session.

But I don’t recall Burt ever telling us we couldn’t do something. He and the production staff were great at making things happen. And we did our part by balancing the expensive episodes with the inexpensive ones.

Terry has another MASH production question.

I'm watching the MASH episode "Point of View" right now and I was wondering if the way it was shot required the construction of any additional sets (e.g. putting walls where the 4th wall would normally be) or was it all done with camera angles?

Camera angles although mounting a camera in a helicopter was no easy feat and orchestrating that great shot where the patient sees everyone running up to the chopper pad and landing was pretty spectacular. I can never mention the POV episode without giving a lion’s share of the credit to director Charles Dubin. These were the days before hand-held cameras. He did a remarkable job of pulling off a potential technical nightmare.

What’s your Friday Question?

Where have all the executives gone? Long time passing

Whenever I read the industry trades (which is now various websites instead of daily magazines), there are always daily articles about executive job changes. This person is out as “Head of Scripted” for some company, and that person has been named “VP of Development” for that studio, etc.

With the incoming announcements come press releases praising the new hire as the second coming. For exit articles the organization thanks the person very much for their service and the ousted party is quoted as saying he wanted to spend more time with his family.

By the way, “more time with his family” is confirmation that the person was fired.

But what has amazed me over the years is how many executives come and go. It truly is the revolving door of Hollywood. Names pop up in important positions and you wonder “who are they and where did they come from?”

And then… where did they go? Because being a mid-level executive has about the same shelf-life as a porn star. I think back over my career at all the people I took meetings with – network execs, D-girls, studio honchos – and most of them are now gone. They’ve disappeared. How do you go from VP of Development for a major broadcast network to out of the business completely in a year? And this was BEFORE sexual harassment claims.

My longtime agent, Bob Broder put it best. When we had a project we were hoping to sell, he said, “You pitch the chair not the person.” He's right.

It’s just the mercurial nature of the business, and yes, writers make a lot of fun of suits, but I’ll be honest. I miss a lot of these folks. They were smart passionate people, and I hope that wherever they are now they can finally buy a house, or at least not live in one that’s on wheels.

EP48: Dishing The Dirt On Celebrities - Part 1

Ken grills entertainment reporter Arlen Peters who has interviewed hundreds of major Hollywood stars.  In Part 1 they discuss Mariah Carey, Barbra Streisand, Lucy, John Belushi, Dustin Hoffman, Gene Kelly and more. Lots of craziness behind-the-scenes and many stories I promise you’ve never heard.   If you like gossip and dish this one’s for you.  And we’re just getting started.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Meghan Markle is leaving SUITS?

Just because she’s engaged to a prince?
Oh sure, leave the security of a hit TV series for the chaos that has always been the British monarchy.

What kind of agent does Meghan have? Doesn’t she know that leaving a series might make it hard for her to book a role on a coveted LIFETIME movie about teen pregnancy?

It just seems like a real step down after being on the USA network.

And there are so many hungry actors out there. Landing a part on a hit series is way harder than marrying into a royal family. Get real!

Meghan obviously doesn’t know how good she had it. Oh sure, she’ll have servants, but they’re amateurs compared to PA’s. When Duchess Meghan wants a donut she’ll have to ring a bell, the servant will have to cross to the kitchen, wait for the donut to come out of the oven, prepare the silver service, and cross the length of the palace to deliver it. On set, Mergan says “where’s my fucking donut?” two seconds later the Second AD is on the wireless saying: “Donut flying in!” and a PHD in Literature from NYU appears one second later with two donuts, just in case she wants a second one. PA’s anticipate!

But I guess she’ll learn the hard way. And wait till the prince has to cut the budget to pay for exterminators at the summer castle. Meghan will really wish she had those season eight residuals (excuse me -- "royalties").

But it’s her life.

From the small stage to the small screen

Photo from LA Times

There was an interesting article in the Los Angeles Times recently about playwrights who transitioned into TV. You can find it here.

It’s interesting to me because I’ve been fortunate enough to be in both worlds (although WAY more successful at TV than the theatre).

The current trend in television now is that studios, agents, showrunners, etc. are looking for original material. It used to be they wanted spec scripts of existing shows. Those are now just supplementary writing samples. Original fare is what they seek.

That often means spec pilots but playwrights have drawers full of plays. And playwrights are in demand. Why? A number of reasons.

They tend to be prolific. Someone writes a pilot and the executive doesn’t know whether this is the only thing he's ever written or the tenth thing. But playwrights stick with it. Most playwrights I know have written at least three full-length plays.

Playwrights do it for the craft and need to tell stories. It’s almost impossible to make a living being a playwright. And this news comes as no surprise to them. They live in one room studios in Brooklyn with four other playwrights.  So executives know these are “writers.”

They've studied story structure and character and theme.  They know the power of dialogue.  

Playwrights often have the advantage of seeing or at least hearing their work. There are readings and workshops and I can’t begin to tell you how invaluable those are for the growth of a writer. So showrunners are hiring baby writers who already have experience.

And finally, in Hollywood’s quest to increase diversity, the theatre offers a great talent pool.

So kudos to the playwrights who have made the move over to television.

One thing struck me about the article though. 24 young playwrights were featured. And along with lovely photos, each offered their perspective. Many went to great lengths to justify the move. Some acknowledged that TV “paid the bills.” I kinda got the sense many of them were defensive – worried that they’d be accused of selling out.

So let me just say this. You don’t have to apologize. You don’t have to justify. Playwrights starve; TV writers make good money. Embrace that. You’re getting paid handsomely for the thing you love to do. And all the playwrights who scoff and say you’re selling out – half of them would trade positions with you in a New York minute.

Your stuff is being seen by way more people than might see your plays. Yes, it’s not as intimate and not live, but more people will see an episode of THIS IS US that you wrote than all your plays combined. Hey, I’m writing plays. I’m thrilled to have productions in 99-seat theatres. It’s a great experience. Writing for the theatre is my favorite thing. But way more people are watching a rerun of one of my MASH episodes at 4:00 in the morning, and God bless each and every one of ‘em.

Also, we no longer have to apologize for the content on television. We’re in a golden age. There are better, more brilliant and complex dramas on TV than in the movies. There is more experimentation and breaking the form.  No longer is TV the second-class citizen to films.

And… you can always continue to write plays. They will probably improve as a result of your experience in television.

So congratulations again. Now you can finally get an apartment of your own with two or more rooms. Ain’t TV grand?!

My comprehensive review of JUSTICE LEAGUE

You've seen it.

I LOVE LUCY in REAL color

During the Christmas holidays CBS colorizes old classic sitcom episodes and airs them in prime time.  It started with I LOVE LUCY.  Last year they aired two colorized DICK VAN DYKE SHOW episodes and this year they're colorizing two more.   They always look awful.  And of course they're cut down to accommodate the larger number of commercials networks now inflict upon us.

But I thought you'd like to see what I LOVE LUCY looked like in REAL color.  

This is an amazing video. Someone in the audience of a 1951 taping of I LOVE LUCY took color home movies. Because of the sprockets I'm guessing he only shot when there was a lot of other noise on the set, or between takes. But anyway, here are scenes of the Copa nightclub and the Ricardo apartment, intercut with clips from the actual episode. This was the first time in my entire life that I saw the color scheme for the Richardo apartment. If you're a TV historian (or geek like me) you'll love this video.

Binge watching began at Thanksgiving

Why do I say that? Because one of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions was always the TV marathons. One station would show TWILIGHT EPISODES all day long. Another would air THE HONEYMOONERS (happily, WPIX in New York still does!). And depending on your local market, stations might trot out I LOVE LUCY marathons or DICK VAN DYKE SHOW marathons or ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW marathons. I kept hoping one station in Los Angeles would show an I’M DICKENS/HE’S FENSTER marathon but alas it was not to be.

Personally, I had no trouble watching six TWILIGHT ZONES in a row. And neither did a lot of people because these marathons were repeated year after year.

Now of course, with Netflix and Hulu and the others, you can have Thanksgiving every day. You can create your own GILLIGAN’S ISLAND marathon if you want to (although why would you?)

TV pundits wondered whether viewers would take to binging. Well, gee, we’ve been doing it for twenty-five years.

The only problem is, why watch the Thanksgiving marathons at all now? Now you can watch the same TWILIGHT ZONE episodes without the annoying Kohl’s commercials.

But it’s sad to see a tradition die. Oh well. Now I must get back. I just started season three of THE EQUALIZER.

(Black) Friday Questions

While you’re standing in long checkout lines, amuse yourself with some (Black) Friday Questions.

Stylus is up first.

My question: years ago, I was watching Frasier via a mirror (in the days before smartphones, it was a way to see the TV while having a bath), and I noticed how odd it was to have everything flipped: the front door on the right of the screen etc. Thinking on it, I can't remember a multi-camera sitcom where the main 'point of entry' wasn't on the left side. Is this deliberate design, so the joke 'flows' from left to right, the same way we read? Are there any other common set designs that you would expect to use as a writer?
Thanks,

There were a lot of shows where the entrance was on the right. ALL IN THE FAMILY, Mary’s first apartment on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW (along with the WJM Newsroom), Penny’s apartment on BIG BANG THEORY, Jerry’s apartment on SEINFELD, Ray's house on EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, Grace's apartment on WILL & GRACE, the JEFFERSONS' apartment, etc. To my knowledge there’s not a conscious decision to place the entrance on the left.

Sometimes it has to do more with the way the stage is structured and which side is easier to get to the dressing rooms. I have no idea whether that’s remotely true but it could be, right?

cd1515 asks:

How far in advance do writers plan story arcs for smaller characters (ie, non-stars)?

For example, would you introduce someone’s father in season 2 because you plan to give him cancer or something in season 3?

Or do you not even know what you’re gonna do with him when you introduce him?

More the latter. The truth is we only bring back guest-star characters (like a regular’s “father”) if he really scores.

You sure don’t want to get locked into anything set for the future. Unless you pay the actor to keep a hold on him he is free to seek other work. So when you come back to him a season later he may be unavailable, working on something else.

THE GOOD WIFE had this problem all the time. They created a rich stable of guest-star characters. The good news is they were all terrific actors. The bad news was they were all terrific actors. Numerous times they’d check on an actor’s availability for a cool storyline they’d developed only to learn he was in Rangoon filming a mini-series.

Longtime reader of the blog, Wendy M. Grossman has a FQ.

It's been reported that Jill Soloway and Amazon Studios have been hit with fines for not crediting directors when their material ended up in I LOVE DICK episodes other than the one they were credited for. The story is here:

I understand the points about credit and compensation, and even the directors' complaints that Soloway (apparently) gave notes directly to cast.

But it's an interesting situation because Soloway's shows seem, more than usually for a TV series, like lengthy movies. So which needs to change: Soloway or the rules?

Boy, that’s an easy one. Soloway needs to change. I’ve seen this before. A show receives some recognition and suddenly the creator believes he or she is God. Union rules don’t apply to them. They’re special. They’re creating brilliance.

Meanwhile, a recent study by the Katz Television Group found that only 2% of Americans have ever seen a single episode of TRANSPARENT – even with all the hype. So she’s like the power-hungry dictator of a country the size of Lichtenstein.

And finally, from Theo:

Ken here's an article about how writers are working overtime because of one sleazebag.

Friday Question: Will writers, cast and crew get paid extra or will some other compensation be paid to them because of this one scum. Can they sue him or the network for shutting down the show/their livelihood?

My guess is no. The writers are indeed working like mad to find a new direction and salvage the season, but the sad fact is there is a lot of collateral damage to the Kevin Spacey debacle. On the one hand you could say that it was because of Kevin Spacey that all of these people have jobs on the show in the first place because without him there was no show originally. But there’s no question his behavior has caused a lot of heartache for a lot of people who have worked very hard on his behalf.

And unfortunately, collateral damage of a fact of life in Hollywood because jobs are so transient. An industry strike, a quick cancellation, a new studio regime, an actor getting injured or sick, production moved to Vancouver to save money – all of these can cause financial hardship for lots of workers.

What’s your Friday Question? And have a safe holiday weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving

Probably half the plays about families and half the family-themed movies in your neighborhood art house take place on Thanksgiving.

Relatives fly in from wherever just to have a dinner that blows up into a huge family fight. Secrets are revealed, longtime resentments bubble to the surface, hurt feeling abound. It’s WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF with stuffing and yams.

With that in mind, try to make sure that your family feast doesn’t fall into this trap. And now that Black Friday sales begin Thursday evening, you have a great excuse for getting the hell out of the house before it’s revealed that your uncle sent dick pix to all the Rocketettes.

I’m in New York this year – mostly thankful that the year is almost over. There’s this large parade going on outside making it hard to sleep.

Have a happy, safe, and conflict-free Thanksgiving.

EP47: Leftover turkeys and tales from the Hollywood front

Ken tells more crazy anecdotes of pitching projects, wants to know more about you, and serves some turkeys that are both hilarious and hard to digest. 

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Thus begins the Holiday Season

Okay, you can put up your Christmas lights now.

Allright, you can start playing Christmas music on the radio.

It’s safe to cart out Charlie Brown’s Christmas again.

Studios are free to unleash their big holiday tentpole releases.

Take that bottle away from Santa and send him out to the center of the mall.

The tree can go up at Rockefeller Center.

You can open the ice skating rink now.

The Radio City Holiday Show can now officially open. Please close it by March.

Bring on the baseball winter meetings.

It’s still not okay for CBS to colorize and air classic black-and-white sitcoms, but that’s another story.

Networks prepare for their live musicals. Too bad the novelty has worn off. And Christopher Walken isn’t playing the dad in A CHRISTMAS STORY for Fox.

Hollywood officially shuts down until January. The only business that gets done now is firing known celebrities and executives charged with sexual harassment. And of course their shocked reactions.

Travel today becomes an absolute nightmare. If it happens to snow a quarter-inch in Seattle, all flights in and out of O’Hare are cancelled till January. 

Frantic cooking is taking place. People all over America are making that string bean casserole with Campbell’s Mushroom Soup. (“Why?” I ask.)

And finally, it’s time to stop and give thanks to all the people and things in your life that you’re grateful for. In my case, I start with you.

Travel safe this holiday weekend.

In search of great burgers

My name might as well be Wimpy. I love me a good burger. And they’re healthy too! (They have lettuce in them, right?) So today I thought I’d survey some burger places. The opinions expressed are my own and you might disagree. Feel free to offer your thoughts in the comments section.

Getting it out of the way right off the bat, McDonalds’ burgers are awful. Unless you have kids and you’re trying to get them toys from Happy Meals there’s no reason to ever go to McDonalds.

Maybe you have to be from the east coast to appreciate them, but I also think White Castle is disgusting. I need a shower just walking in there.

Burger King to me is airport food court fare. Not terrible and you can customize.  I wouldn't bring one on a plane and eat it four hours later though.

Carl’s Jr./Hardees and Wendy’s are for when you’re on a cross-country driving trip, you’re hungry, and it’s the last rest stop before New Mexico.

Of the more upscale fast-food burgers, there’s much debate on the west coast between Five Guys and In ‘N Out. I like ‘em both. In N’ Out used to be more of a treat when there were fewer of them. But they’re always made to order, the burger is hot and the lettuce and tomatoes are fresh and crispy cold. The fries are meh.

I think I prefer Five Guys. I like when you order a bacon burger the bacon is broken up so you get bacon in every bite. People rave about their fries. I’ve never tried them. They offer free peanuts so I eat those.

In LA we also have Fat Burger and they have their fans. My daughter Annie has a rule: Never eat in an establishment where the consequences are right in the title. So that would disqualify Fat Burger, In N’ Out, and probably Tombstone Pizza. Fat Burger is not as greasy as it sounds. Just order the burger broiled and you’re good to go.

Fuddruckers has two things going for it. Big buns (easy to eat) and a condiment aisle so you can customize it yourself. Last time I was there Jay Leno was right in front of me. So it’s the place to go to see stars.

Do you have The Counter where you live? Might just be a west coast thing. Partially owned by Jon Favreau I’m told, but very good quality beef, lots of condiment options, and somehow they always cook it just right. You order medium rare it comes out medium rare.

We’re now starting to get Shake Shacks out here. I must say the very first time I had a Shake Shack burger I was knocked out by it. Each subsequent time I’ve liked it a little less. Not sure why. Nice soft buns and the fries are tasty. Am I spitting on the cross not saying these are the greatest burgers ever?

Umami Burgers are popular out west. I had one I quite enjoyed and one that was so bad I returned it and got my money back. I’m not hipster enough to appreciate Umami Burgers.

Tommy’s at Beverly & Rampart in LA has yummy chiliburgers, but only if you’re young or have a cast-iron stomach. And whatever you do, don’t eat one in your car. You will NEVER get rid of that chili smell.

Moving up to sit down restaurants, there once was a chain called Hamburger Hamlet. Mostly LA but sprinkled throughout Chicago, Washington DC, and a few other eastern haunts. Their burgers were a cut above and their #11, their “greatest burger” with cheese, bacon, etc. and thousand island dressing was pretty great. The chain went out of business but in LA the one in Van Nuys has re-opened under new management and although they’ve done an okay job of recreating the old menu, their #11 is not even “the goodest.”

A delicious burger can be found at the Apple Pan in West Los Angeles. Only problem there is it’s one horseshoe counter with people standing behind you waiting to take your seat. To me that’s unnerving and I always feel compelled to just shovel down my food.. But if you go off-hours things are more relaxed. The service is spectacular. These waiters have been there for forty years. I once saw Warren Beatty munching at the counter. Not as big a star as Jay Leno but still considered a celebrity I suppose.

I’m told the Burger joint at the Parker-Meridian is supposed to be spectacular. I’m flying to New York today so plan to check it out this trip.

Speaking of New York, I haven’t been there in ages, but I remember a place called Jackson Hole. Their burger was so huge you couldn’t eat it. They must grind an entire cow for every patty. Too big. If I can’t get my mouth around a burger it loses points.

Boll Weevil hamburgers in San Diego were half-pound, real cheap, and surprisingly good.

Call me sentimental, but I still love Bob’s Big Boy in Toluca Lake. Bob’s was the originator of the double deck hamburger and I enjoy it as much now as I did when I was nine. Some nights they still have car service.

Mel’s Drive-In is another ‘50s throwback diner. Remember them from AMERICAN GRAFFITTI? Decent burgers and more big Hollywood stars. I saw Andy Kindler once in Mel’s.

And finally, my all-time favorite burger place has re-opened but don’t be fooled. Cassell’s now sucks. This breaks my heart. Cassell’s used to be in a corner dumpy spot in the Wilshire district. The grill was on a slant so the grease rolled off. The buns were large, and they had a condiment bar that included homemade potato salad that was out of this world. Now it’s re-opened down the block in a Hotel on Normandy and the condiment bar is gone, the potato salad isn’t nearly as good and it’s no longer free, the buns are different, and it seems to me the quality of the meat has gone downhill. A great burger is more than just a name.

Depending on where you live I’m sure there are awesome burger places I have no knowledge of. If the TRAVEL CHANNEL would let me do a show where I go around the country sampling them, I would be more than happy to give yours a try.

As Wimpy used to say, “I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.” Wait a minute. It IS Tuesday. Never mind.

Note:  Since I will airborne most of the day and I moderate the comments there may be a lag before yours is posted.  But I will get to it.  So comment away.

Nothing's changed

Here's a helpful writer tip:

Even though people change, there are traits that always stay the same. You see this a lot at high school reunions. Someone may now be a big hotshot lawyer but he still slouches and wears a pocket protector hidden under the jacket of his $1000 suit. 

When people ask I tell them I’m still 13.  I'm only half-joking.

When I was 13 I used to repair to my room, sit at my desk, and draw comic books. I don’t even think I ever showed them to anybody. But they were fun to draw and fun to create the elaborate stories for them. (Think: Rocky & Bullwinkle) God knows if they were any good.

Also, I would be listening to KFWB Channel 98 “Color Radio.” They played the hits of the day straight off the “Fabulous 40” survey.

Flash forward to today, and I’m in my office, at my desk, writing a new play. Meanwhile, my speakers are blaring Richbroradio.com – bar none the best oldies station on the internet – and I thought to myself, “Ohmygod. Nothing’s changed. Only the jokes are different.”

When creating characters for your screenplay or pilot or novel, one thing to keep in mind is “who they were.” You can often take character traits of your youth or others and apply them to help define characters in adulthood. It’s just another great tool. Your bratty annoying sister might have just done you a favor by being bratty and annoying.

And by the way, let me double back and recommend Richbroradio.com.  It’s programmed by Rich Brother Robbin, one of the great jocks and PD’s of the golden Top 40 era. If you like oldies from the ‘50s-‘70s this is the station for you. Primarily because he has a deep playlist. Unlike terrestrial stations that play the same 100 tunes (How many times can you hear “Proud Mary?” Ugh!), you’ll hear songs you haven’t heard in years. Also vintage radio jingles and NO COMMERCIALS. I listen on iTunes but you can find it here. Who knows? Maybe it’ll help you write a great play. Or comic book.