Was that really me?

Many years ago I attended a college reunion of the campus radio station I worked at -- KLA from UCLA. A fellow member hosted it at her house and we had quite a good turnout. I remember going, seeing folks I hadn’t seen since we were all stoned, and a good time was had by all.

What I didn’t remember was a video that was made. One by one we were on camera saying hello and trying to be funny (with varying degrees of success).

Recently, one of these attendees got in touch and mentioned this video. I had never received a copy so asked if I could see it. She graciously sent me a DVD.

Like I said, I don’t recall even making this.

Two things struck me upon watching it: The first was how much younger (and hairier) we all were. That reaction comes from looking back at any reunion.

But the other, and this I didn’t expect, was watching myself. Since I have no memory of this it was like watching someone I didn’t know. As that person spoke into the camera I had no idea what he was going to say. It was a weird experience. (like being in the BOURNE IDENTITY)

For me it wasn’t the first. When I was a Top 40 disc jockey I never prepared for my shows. I know there are program directors who frown on that, but I wanted my shows to be spontaneous. And I figured if I couldn’t come up with one funny thing to say after a three-minute record there had to be something wrong. So I winged it and my shows had lots of comedy despite my lack of preparation.

Years passed.

Every so often someone on the internet will unearth a recording of one of my shows from the ‘70s and post it. And since I said stuff off the top of my head I made no effort to remember any of my material.

So it was like listening to someone else. I had no idea what was going to come out of his mouth. I have to say that half the time I was quite pleased. I’d think: I thought of that? Wow. But there were other times I cringed. I said some real stupid shit on the radio. Overall, it was somewhat surreal.

But the strangest experience of all was driving home one night after a very late rewrite, listening to the radio, and hearing a commercial. I thought to myself, “I know that voice. Who is that?” After about fifteen seconds I realized: It was ME.

Talk about an out-of-body experience. Yikes. Has anything like this ever happened to you?

For those who miss the Jerry Lewis Telethon

It was a Labor Day tradition for God knows how many years. For close to 24 hours Jerry would stage an all-star glitzy show from Las Vegas raising money for Muscular Dystrophy (a more than worthwhile cause).  The show was always entertaining in a mega cheese way.   Jerry presented the last gasp of Rat Pack-era Vegas entertainment along with healthy dollops of oozing sincerity and self-importance. 

The telethon has been gone for a number of years now.  Jerry himself is gone.  But I found this clip that in eleven minutes pretty much encapsulates everything the Jerry Lewis Telethon was.  The entertainment and the treacle. 

So for a few minutes, lets return to Labor Days gone by.  Oh... and wear a mask.

Weekend Post

I love this.  Not sure if I have the right person, I think it's "Strafe Sawdoffe" (or at least that's the YouTube name), but it's quite well done and combines two of my shows.  Enjoy.

Friday Questions

After a summer of staying home, let’s kick off an autumn of staying home with Friday Questions.

Michael starts us off.

SEINFELD only had 4 regular characters, with lots of memorable recurring characters (even Newman only appeared in about 1/4 of the episodes). Did you prefer to write for shows with smaller casts or was it tougher generating new story ideas?

For the most part I like a larger cast. More characters give you more points-of-view and more stories.

The problem is serving all these characters. That’s why a lot of sitcoms with large casts will do two or more stories per episode to make sure everyone has something to do. That can be problematic.

I prefer on my shows to tell my supporting cast that there will be some weeks they’ll be very light but over the course of the season I will do at least one episode where they have the primary story.  And that seems to work. 

From Leslea:

Hugh Wilson (WKRP IN CINCINNATI) talks about no one wanting an aging TV writer. Is that kind of dismissive ("Please; you're so done") age-ism the norm in television?

Yes. Now more than ever.

If someone can write a funny script, I fail to see what their age should have to do with it. I can't imagine it being a reality that someone could say to you and David, "Yeah, those 'Cheers' and 'Frasier' scripts were great in their day, but things have changed and that style isn't right for contemporary sitcoms," as if you'd be unable to adapt. That some producer could hit you with, "Please, you guys are so done."

Some of these producers and network executives are so young they don’t even know of FRASIER or CHEERS. Yes, that sort of scenario does happen. Happily, I have nothing more to prove in television so I’m not looking to write for any current show.

But when I write for the theatre and an audience is laughing for ninety-minutes I know I’m not done… yet.

Were the sitcoms you worked on so callously dismissive of the previous generation's comedy writers?

No. Just the opposite. We were in awe of many of the writers from the previous generation and were blessed to have worked with quite a few like Jim Frizzell & Everett Greenbaum, Bob Schiller & Bob Weiskopf, Larry Gelbart, David Lloyd, Bob Ellison, Garry Marshall, Jerry Belson, Jim Brooks, Allan Burns, Gene Reynolds, Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses, Gordon Mitchell & Lloyd Turner, Bernie Kukoff & Jeff Harris, Stan Burns, and several others. We studied at their feet. I owe them all a great debt of gratitude.

And finally, Chris wonders:

There’s a number of tropes going around for decades as punchlines. Like "THAT went well!" or

"Character A: Promiscuous comment toward character B.
Character B (pleasantly embarrassed): Oh, Character A, stop.
Character C (disgusted): Yes, Character A, stop."

There's many more I've noticed throughout the years. They're bizarre little twilight zone moments, connecting shows from different times and styles, especially since they don't really happen in real life.

I was wondering, how come they're not considered stealing, since every writer in every room must know they've been done before when they're being pitched?

Well, it’s hard to pinpoint just who was the first person to come up with these tropes (and if you did would you really want to admit it?).

But I’d say it was more lazy writing than outright stealing. These tropes have become clichés and when you use them you’re a hack.

What’s your Friday Question?

EP190: The Inside Secrets of TV Research

Research plays a major role in what shows get on the air. But how does it work and what are they looking for?  Steve Leblang is a media research expert.  From dial testing to focus groups to measuring brain waves, Steve walks us through the various ways data is collected.  And he talks about how accurate those political polls are.

WAVE On iTunes

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Not all laughs are equal

Recently, for a Friday Question I mentioned how many of today’s multi-cams have fake laughs after every line. It’s both artificial and incredibly annoying.

The thing is: not all jokes are expected to get the same amount of laughter.

And that’s okay.

Whenever I write a joke for a project that will go before a live audience (either a play or multi-cam sitcom episode) I always try to gauge how big of a laugh each joke will elicit. Then I decide whether what I have will reach that level.

But each joke stands on its own.  Is it a smaller joke to help set up a bigger payoff later?  Is it a cute turn of phrase to take the curse of exposition?   Is it a reference that not everyone will get but the ones who do will love it?   Do you know going in this joke would get a bigger laugh if a different cast member said it? 

If this all sounds like “Diagnosis: Comedy,” you’re right. A lot of thought and projection goes into writing funny scripts.

It’s an inexact science to be sure. And as I’ve said many times, different audiences react differently – so a joke that gets a big laugh on Friday, gets a meh reaction on Saturday. So which audience was right?  A writer has to rely on his best professional judgment. And be ready to rewrite when he’s wrong.

No one was tougher on material than Neil Simon. He rewrote his plays constantly during rehearsal and out of town tryouts. Not to always get the bigger laugh, but the right laugh.

It takes craft and experience and maybe never relying on laughter that comes out of a box.

And now... the exciting conclusion!

I know what you’re thinking – what a cliffhanger!! To refresh, I’m writing an action-drama pilot utilizing all the great writing conventions they employ on these shows. Part one was yesterday.  And part two is right now. We're in the Golden Age of TV Drama -- why shouldn't I be a huge part of it? 

GUNS & EMO

By Ken Levine

FADE IN:

ANNOUNCER
Previously on “Guns & Emo”…

SUPER QUICK CUTS TO PAST EPISODES.

LIBBY
This wasn’t in the brochure.

RODNEY
I haven’t eaten all day.

HERBERT
Let me pull up the blueprints.

LIBBY
I speak Turkish. Why?

RUSSIAN SNIPER
This room is fine. Does the window open?

CRAIG
I need some new shirts. Do you think you could get me an employee discount?

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ASHTIYAN, IRAN – DAY

FINAL SHOT OF PART ONE: LIBBY AT A CAFÉ THROUGH THE VIEWFINDER OF A SNIPER’S RIFLE.

The sniper is just about to squeeze the trigger….

When the WAITER approaches with Libby’s coffee. The viewfinder shifts to the waiter and a shot is fired.

BACK TO SCENE

The waiter drops to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

LIBBY
What the….?

Libby ducks under the table for cover. Rodney is already there, crouched.

RODNEY
Didn’t I tell you? This is why you always get a table inside.

LIBBY
Hey, gimme a break. I skipped GIA training because they needed someone with my body type to double for a double agent in Dublin. That’s always the risk the G.I.A. has sending me into the field on these dangerous assignments but it never seems to stop them from assigning me anyway.

THEIR POV -- HOTEL ACROSS THE WAY

There must be twenty identical windows.

RODNEY (V.O.)
Over there! That window.

BACK TO SCENE

LIBBY
This is a bad angle.

Awkwardly, Libby fires one shot.

THEIR POV – HOTEL

The sniper falls out of the window and crashes to the ground below.

LIBBY
Well, there goes his Hilton Honor points.

RODNEY
(breaking into smile)
Oh, Libby.

They race to the scene. Fortunately, no one else is interested and people just cross by the body paying it no mind.

Libby and Rodney crouch down and check him out.

LIBBY
Herbert? Who is he?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. G.I.A. COMMAND CENTER – SAME

Monitors show every street from every angle. This town too must have 10,000 cameras in place.

HERBERT’S COMPUTER SCREEN – A satellite view of the planet earth. It zooms right in to the dead sniper’s face. One second later this word appear on the screen: MATCH.

BACK TO SCENE

HERBERT
His name was Abdolreza Ghazanfari – “Cooter” to his friends. Professional sniper. His services have been used by Al Queda, the Russian Mob, and the California Highway Patrol. The number 34th most wanted terrorist in the world. Up from 57.

LIBBY
So why has no one ever take him out?

HERBERT
We think he also works for us.

Rodney begins patting him down.

RODNEY
No incriminating or classified documents here.

LIBBY
Let’s check his room. Maybe we can find out who hired him and who his target was.

RODNEY
Wouldn’t it be funny if it was the waiter?

LIBBY
(breaking into a smile)
Oh, Rodney.

Libby begins climbing a hedge to begin scaling the wall in her heels. Rodney fishes around the guy’s pocket and pulls out his room key.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Libby and Rodney are going through the sniper’s things. There are photos of his targets, including Libby. There are also files and folders strewn about with the words TOP SECRET on them.

LIBBY
What a break that he has Al Queda’s plans for the next five years.

RODNEY
(showing her a document)
Look at this. His boss, the mysterious head of this entire operation, the man we’ve been unsuccessfully tracking for over three years is planning to meet him here in his room tonight at 10.

LIBBY
Then won’t he be surprised when he finds us instead of him?

RODNEY
Yeah. I’d love to see his face.
(realizing)
Oh wait, I will see his face.

LIBBY
(breaking into a smile)
Oh, Rodney.
(dialing her cellphone)
Hi Craig. Listen, honey, I won’t be able to pick the kids up from school today. I’m sorry. Surprise inventory. They do that from time to time… Okay, twice a week. Don’t wait up. I’ll be in late. Tell Ally I rescued her favorite dress. I sewed on a new sleeve. Love you.

She hangs up and sighs.

RODNEY
It’s tough when you’ve got a family.

LIBBY
How do you manage this?

RODNEY
That’s right. We have seven hours. A good chance for us to sit back for a few minutes and reveal personal information about ourselves.

HERBERT
Then I’m going on a break.

LIBBY
Okay. I’ll start I guess. I was abused by my uncle at a family party when I was seven. Whoa! I’ve never told anyone that before.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM – SEVEN HOURS LATER

LIBBY
…So when I hold this gun in my hand, it’s like…this is what my husband’s penis was supposed to be. Not some little pathetic ladies’ derringer. Know what I mean?

RODNEY
Yeah, well, it’s almost ten.

LIBBY
Gee, we didn’t get around to talking about you.

RODNEY
Next week in Zurich.

There’s a knock at the door. They both aim their weapons. A long beat, then:

HERBERT
Uh, one of you should answer it.

LIBBY
Right.

Libby opens the door. It’s SKIP, the man with the laptop in Bogotá is standing there. Libby and Rodney are surprised.

LIBBY
You?

SKIP
Where’s Cooter?

LIBBY
Have you ever seen Cooter before?

SKIP
No.

Libby invites him in and points to Rodney.

LIBBY
This is Cooter.

SKIP
No, it’s not. It’s Rodney. He escorted me back to the U.S. yesterday.

LIBBY
Right. Oops.

RODNEY
You’d know this if you didn’t just split right in the middle of a mission.

HERBERT
That is bad form.

SKIP
Yeah, where were you?

LIBBY
Do you all mind?!

SKIP
You can put the gun down.

LIBBY
Right.
(lowers it, then points it again)
Wait a minute. If you’re here to see the sniper who was supposed to kill me then you’re a bad guy.

RODNEY
But the sniper could be one of ours, which means he’s on our side.

LIBBY
Right.
(lowers gun, then points it again at Skip)
Hey. But if he was going to kill me and you’re on his side then everyone is against me.

HERBERT
Or any one of them could be double-agents.

SKIP
Remember what I said? You can’t trust anybody.

LIBBY
You never said that.

HERBERT
You said you were frustrated by the lack of trust in this business and he said “Never lose that”. It’s the same thing.

LIBBY
No, it’s not.

RODNEY
Yes, it is.

LIBBY
Hey, you’re supposed to back me. You’re my partner.

RODNEY
(points his gun at her)
Yeah, well… about that.

LIBBY
What?! You?! You’re with them?

SKIP
Which still could be us.

Libby is completely confused. Rodney is just about to shoot her when…

A flurry of bullets enter from the window and kills Skip and Rodney instantly. Libby is unharmed.

The gunfire ends. Libby goes to the window.

LIBBY’S POV – the manager from Seattle’s Finest stands at the café holding an M-16, waving up at her.

MANAGER
No one messes with my help!

LIBBY
(breaks into a smile)
Oh… Seattle’s Finest Manager.

FADE OUT.

THE END

Of my action adventure writing career.

Who says I can't write an action show?

I've watched enough action shows during this pandemic that I'm ready to write my own.  Using as many tropes as I can (i.e. elements that will sell) I present to you my action series: 

GUNS & EMO

By Ken Levine

FADE IN:

EXT. BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – DAY

(Actually New York Street, Paramount but some trucks and a well-placed burro accurately create the desired effect.) Crowded (within reason).

There’s a commotion. Someone is being chased. It’s beautiful, athletic, resourceful, tough-but-vulnerable LIBBY LANGER, dressed in clingy summer dress, toting a pistol, hauling ass.

Running alongside is RODNEY her young, good-looking, charming, self-deprecating, slightly-ethnic-but-we-don’t-know-from-where partner who is always available for a quick quip or another gun clip.

They’re being hotly pursued by THREE ANGRY GUNMEN with M-16’s. Thousands of rounds are fired at our heroes, just missing them.

While running, Libby turns back for a split-second. She fires one round and kills one of the gunmen.

CLOSE UP – Libby’s feet, running. Her high heels are a blur.

BACK TO SCENE

LIBBY
(into her ear bud)
Talk to me!

CUT TO:

INT. G.I.A. (GLOBAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY) COMMAND CENTER – SAME

Hundreds of monitors line the walls of this high-tech monitoring station. Fortunately there are video cameras on every corner in Bogota.

HERBERT, nerdy-but-handsome, skinny-but-athletic surveys the monitors.

HERBERT
Okay, Libby. In about 100 feet you’re going to come to dilapidated shack and then a Seattle’s Finest Coffee. Make a left.

INTERCUT THROUGHOUT:

LIBBY
See it. Thanks.

HERBERT
I’ll have a half-caff with cream.

LIBBY
(smiling and shooting)
Oh, Herbert.

Libby and Rodney turn the corner, still dodging a relentless barrage of bullets.

HERBERT
Remember Libby. You and Rodney have to get that thumb drive of the secret formula of the undetectable nerve gas to your contact within the next 90 seconds otherwise the additional chip that’s been planted in it will detonate a dirty bomb releasing the gas that will kill everyone within a thousand miles.

LIBBY
Then they better make your half-caff quick.

HERBERT
(breaking into a smile)
Oh, Libby.

RODNEY
(pointing)
I see the contact!

A MAN with a laptop strapped to his back hangs precariously from a fourth story building.

HERBERT
I’m pulling up the blueprint now.

LIBBY
Not necessary.
(to Rodney)
Cover me!

RODNEY
I’d say that dress does that sufficiently.

LIBBY
(breaks into a smile)
Oh, Rodney.

Libby leaps up on a café table, hurtles onto the café awning, which serves as a trampoline springing her high into the air where she grabs hold of a clothes line and uses it to swing up to the exact spot where the man is holding on for dear life.

LIBBY
The winter morn is cold.

MAN
But the spring night is warm.

LIBBY
Warm?

MAN
(correcting himself)
Warm-ish.

LIBBY
Okay. Just had to make sure.

MAN
You can’t be too careful. Not in this business.

LIBBY
Know what you mean. Guns and bullets I can handle. But this lack of trust… I dunno.

MAN
Never lose that.

Libby bounds into the window, turns and offers her hand.

LIBBY
Here. Grab it.

He reaches up and even though he’s 250 pounds and she’s 100 she manages to hoist him inside easily. They tumble into the room.

INT. ROOM -- SAME

LIBBY
Good thing they make those laptop lighter.

MAN
(breaks into a smile)
Oh…
(realizing)
I don’t know your name.

HERBERT
Ten seconds. Libby, if you don’t disarm that thumb drive it will set off a gas that will…

LIBBY
Yeah, yeah. Got it.

She hands the thumb drive to the man who inserts it into the USB port. Libby holds her breath, bracing for the worst. But nothing happens.

MAN
Done. It’s disarmed.

Libby collapses in relief.

HERBERT
Good job, Libby.

The door bursts open and Rodney enters.

RODNEY
(re gunmen)
Okay, they’re all dead.

LIBBY
Rodney, meet…
(realizing)
I don’t know your name either.

MAN
It’s better that way.

HEBERT
Oh hell, his name is Skip.

HERBERT
Your job now is to escort him back to headquarters. If he’s abducted by the wrong people they could use his expertise to recreate another formula he was working on that would cause half the population of the planet to fall asleep and the other half to tuck them in.

LIBBY
Right.
(checking her watch)
Oh. Rodney. Could you do this? There’s someplace I’ve got to be.

RODNEY
This really is a two-person job.

She gives him a quick peck on the cheek. He swoons.

RODNEY
Yeah… okay.

LIBBY
I owe ya.

She climbs out the window, grabs the clothesline, and swings out of view.

SMASH CUT:

EXT. NEW YORK STREET (PARMAMOUNT) -- NIGHT

Dressed to look like a New York street.

INT. KITCHEN – SAME

CRAIG, boring-but-handsome, is emptying the dishwasher as Libby bursts in.

LIBBY
Hi, Craig. Sorry I missed dinner.

She kisses him.

CRAIG
They make you work too many hours at the Nordstrom Rack.

LIBBY
I know.

CRAIG
Why are you covered in dirt and smell like manure?

LIBBY
Uh… we’re decorating the loading dock.

CRAIG
(buying it completely)
Okay.

HERBERT
(in her ear)
Good one.

LIBBY
Shut up!

CRAIG
What?

LIBBY
Nothing. Thanks for doing the dishes.

CRAIG
No, problem. Hey, you free for lunch tomorrow?

LIBBY
Tomorrow? Hmmm. Not sure. Let’s talk in the morning.

SMASH CUT

EXT. ASHTIYAN, IRAN – NEXT DAY

(New York Street on Paramount lot. Sand and some bazaar tents should do the trick. Same extras re-dressed.) Libby sits at the Seattle’s Finest outdoor patio. She’s on her cellphone.

LIBBY
Hey, Craig. Something came up. Afraid I won’t be able to make it for lunch.

ANOTHER SHOT – LIBBY THROUGH THE VIEWFINDER OF A SNIPER’S RIFLE.

SUPER: TO BE CONTINUED

CUT TO BLACK.

Tomorrow: Part two. Are you at the edge of your seat?

Happy Birthday Annie

Happy Birthday to my daughter, Annie.  I love you and admire you and you make me laugh every day.   I'd get you a card but I'm in lockdown. 

Love ALWAYS,

Dad

Weekend Post

Who doesn't love a little visual humor?  Or a reminder of the days we could go out into the world? 

They do charge if you want a rollaway bed for them, however.

This is for real,

If Pole Dancing becomes an Olympic Sport I see her getting the Gold.

From my friend, Russ Woody -- an actual sign in a bathroom in Russia.

Hey, it's hard to find crap that's really fresh.

Ana from 50 SHADES OF GREY -- her car.

An authentic newspaper ad.  Back when the whole family drank beer... even the kids.

Okay.  I just couldn't resist.

And finally, here's a photo I took myself.  On Ventura Blvd. in Studio City they have plaques on the sidewalk like they do in Hollywood.  But in Studio City they salute those great movies and TV shows that were filled there.  Including this one:

Friday Questions

Last FQ’s of August. Get ‘em while you can.

Chris Dahl starts us off:

I'm watching a ball game on MLB tv tonight and I've seen between inning ads for Applebee's that use the Cheers theme song.

Do you know how music rights work? It must have come up in your TV career and it seems a bit blasphemous to have Applebee's co-opt the good will built up by Cheers.

I’m sure Paramount, Charles-Burrows-Charles, and Gary Portnoy & Judy Hart Angelo (writers of the theme) all had to sign-off on it. And I’m sure they were all handsomely compensated.

I seem to recall the CHEERS theme used for a State Farm campaign as well. And an InnovAge commercial.

So this is not the first.  

From 71dude:

What are your favorite emotional sitcom scenes that you didn't write that you think are well-earned?

The final moments of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. And my favorite of all time -- the Father Mulcahy speech in the “Interview” episode of MASH.



Cedricstudio asks:

I was just listening to a podcast with a college instructor talking about a lecture he gave on comedy and joke structure. He said he played a six-minute scene for the class featuring Sam and Diane from the first season of Cheers. While the students enjoyed It and saw value in it, they felt the scene went on far too long and that you couldn't get away with that today. The consensus was that if today's young audiences (who are being conditioned by Snapchat, TikTok, etc.) had to sit through a six minute scene of nothing but two people talking, no matter how good the writing was eventually they would start to squirm. Do you agree? Any thoughts?

I’ve heard that too. It’s certainly true for some people. But I think you have to consider the context.  If the students had followed the show and really were into the Sam & Diane relationship I suspect the scene would have seemed more compelling.  

I also wonder if those college students would have the same reaction if the characters were their contemporaries instead of OK Boomers. Would they be more apt to listen and follow if they related more on a personal level?

So it’s not necessarily the pace.

Younger audiences do have a shorter attention span, or at least the need to multi-task when something isn’t hugely riveting, but I’m finding (especially during this pandemic) that lots of young people are discovering CHEERS and really connecting with it. Obviously, some episodes hold up better than others, but I’m quite proud of the work some thirty years later and still feel the series works, even at its less-than-frenetic pace.

And finally, Rory Wohl has a question about my long-time partnership with David Isaacs.

Even though you both are off doing things individually, do you still consider yourselves partners?

If CBS called today and said, "Ken, baby, the zeitgeist is ready for a reboot of 'Big Wave Dave's,'" would you immediately be on the phone to David with "David, dust off the ol' typewriter, we're back!"?

We do still consider ourselves partners and have reunited to do some pilots together over the last few years.

Despite our current schedules, we’re always on the lookout to find projects we could write and produce together.

Interestingly, when we do sit down to write a script, even after some time has passed since our last one, we fall back into our familiar rhythm and shorthand almost immediately. It’s like we just finished our previous script the night before. There’s no awkward “getting back into the swing” period.

If you know anyone at CBS, we have some great ideas for the BIG WAVE DAVE’S reboot.

What’s your Friday Question?

EP189: Writer Bill Persky Part Two

Bill Persky and partner Sam Denoff wrote 29 episodes of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and eventually became its showrunners.  More fascinating stories including a great one involving Orson Welles.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Every RNC speech distilled into one

The majority of people with brains are not watching the Republican National Convention because, well… why? But it is often good to hear the opposition’s point-of-view to know where they’re coming from. So as a public service, here is the transcription of a typical speech delivered at the RNC. I chose one of the very few not delivered by a member of the Trump family.

This one was from Kimberlee Gullible, one of the other women dating Donald Trump Jr. I use all caps whenever she was shouting.

GOOD EVENING, AMERICA! I’M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE LOBBY OF "THE PALIN INSTITUTE AGAINST HIGHER LEARNING." THE AMERICAN FLAGS YOU SEE BEHIND MYSELF ARE COURTESY OF “UNCLE SAM RENTALS,” FOR ALL YOUR PATRIOTIC NEEDS. CALL ‘EM AT 1-800-BIG HOAX.

WE ARE AT A CROSS-HAIRS IN THIS COUNTRY – THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIGHT AND UNLIT. THE DEMOCRATS WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOM, YOUR WAY OF LIFE, YOUR RIGHTS, YOUR JOB, YOUR HOME, YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR CHILDREN'S PETS, YOUR W.W.E., YOUR DEATH PENALTY, YOUR MOONSHINE, YOUR MAN CAVE, YOUR VIAGRA, YOUR BLOW-UP DOLLS, YOUR LAWN JOCKEYS, YOUR FOOTBALL!

IF WE DON’T ELECT AGAIN DONALD J. TRUMP YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WILL NEVER BE SAFE FROM AFRICAN ASIANS AND OTHER PEOPLE OF OTHER PEOPLE COLOR.

DON’T FALL FOR THE LIBTARD DEMOCRAT SOCIALISTS. WE ARE ALL PROUD AMERICANS WHO ARE SELF-DEFICIENT AND DON’T NEED GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS. WE DON’T NEED SOCIAL SECURITY, OR HEALTHCARE, OR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS, OR MEDICARE OR CIVIL RIGHTS. THOSE ARE FOR THE WEAK. DONALD J. TRUMP WILL ELIMINATE THEM. HE WILL ALSO DEFUND THE POLICE DEPARTMENT, THE POST OFFICE, AMTRACK, THE C.D.C., AND ESPECIALLY THOSE FREELOADERS IN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. IMAGINE, BEING PAID TO JUST SIT AROUND WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

THAT LEAVES YOU MORE MONEY TO BUY GUNS AND PLASTIC STRAWS.

NOW, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE CORONA-COVID. THE DEMOCRATS WOULD TRY TO BRAINWASH YOU INTO THINKING 180,000 DEATHS IS A BAD THING. PEOPLE DIE. BOO HOO. AND HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW THAT NUMBER IS ACCURATE OR CORRECT? YOU’RE NOT DEAD. ONCE THE PRESIDENT LEARNED OF THIS PLIGHT – THAT BEGAN IN INDO-CHINA BY THE WAY – HE SNAPPED INTO ACTION TELLING PEOPLE IT WOULD GO AWAY. HE DIDN’T WAIT. HE CAME RIGHT OUT WITH THAT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  SOMEDAY IT WILL.  WHETHER IT'S NEXT YEAR OR IN TEN YEARS, HE'LL BE RIGHT.

SLEEPY JOE BIDEN WOULD MANDATE EVERYONE WEAR MASKS. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP WILL GO HIM ONE STEP BETTER. HE’LL MANDATE THAT EVERYONE WEAR WHITE HOODS. THAT’S LEADERSHIP, MY FELLOW HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS.

WE NEED TO GO BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN WASHINGTON WAS KNOWN FOR ITS APPLES AND REDSKINS. WHEN THE AMERICAN DREAM WAS NOT JUST FOR THE RICH BUT ALSO FOR THE WEALTHY. WHEN GLOBAL WARMING WAS A GOOD THING BECAUSE IT GETS COLD IN THOSE TRAILERS. WHEN COAL MINES WERE FLOURISHING. WHEN OUR CHILDREN WENT TO SCHOOL REGARDLESS OF DISEASE OR SHOOTINGS.

SO VOTE FOR DONALD J. TRUMP. DON’T LET THE DEMOCRATS STEAL THE ELECTION. BLOCK POLLING PLACES. BLOW UP MAILBOXES IN SWING STATES. PRESERVE OUR PRECIOUS DEMOCRACY.

I’D SAY MORE, BUT THE FLAGS HAVE TO BE BACK BY 9. THANK YOU. VOTE FOR MY FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW. AND GIVE ME MY OWN SHOW ON FOX NEWS!!!

Beep Beep

Some things never change. 

I have always loved those Warner Brothers Road Runner cartoons.   Great elaborate sight gags, great character expressions, very cool design.  There are not many things I laugh at just as hard now as I did when I was eight, but Road Runner cartoons are one of 'em.  Thanks to that interweb thing all the kids are talking about, I found this -- Chuck Jones rules for Road Runner cartoon for writers and artists.  So today I thought I'd share them. 

Floor is Lava

On Netflix last night I came across FLOOR IS LAVA. In as much as I’m always on the lookout for stupid reality and game shows, this one fits the bill. Teams have to go through a series of rooms and hop from object to object without falling into the “lava.” If they fall into the “lava” they’re eliminated.

So you have to scale walls with bugs on them, leap from tables to couches, jump onto giant tiki heads, etc. I don’t think Simon Cowell will be playing this game anytime soon.

I think the grand prize is $10,000 and lava lamp. Not worth a permanent groin injury in my estimation.

My thought while watching this was: Okay, so these are the people too stupid to wear masks.

I suppose the attraction is the physical comedy of watching people fall into what looks like orange Gatorade or landing wrong on a crate and crushing their nuts, but to me it’s the idiocy of these people attempting these feats.

I also wonder this: I know on FEAR FACTOR (another show for the Mensa crowd), people were hired to test the stunts. If the test subject could eat 20 dung beetles, the TV contestant would only have to eat 15. (So you want a job in show business?) I’m sure there were testers employed for FLOOR IS LAVA. Just how far should the objects be from one another? Is it reasonable to assume someone can jump 6 feet, or 7 feet? How many test subjects knocked their teeth out landing wrong on a rock? They probably make minimum wage and no lava lamp.

Sidebar trivia nugget: In the 1950’s there was a game show called BEAT THE CLOCK where contestants had to complete wacky stunts within a certain period of time. They too had test subjects. One of them was the actor James Dean.

FLOOR IS LAVA is on Netflix. It must be porn to stunt people. Here’s a few examples. You won’t be seeing me appearing on this show.

Weekend Post

Most guests on late night shows struggle to be genuinely funny. And their anecdotes are somewhat forced.

Not Peter O'Toole.

This is funny and so well told.  Enjoy.  

Friday Questions

Time for some Friday Questions. What’s yours?

Bill in Toronto is up first.

Ken, I've been watching several short oral history segments, probably from the WGA, featuring Hugh Wilson. Given your background, do you wish you had written for WKRP?

I would have loved to have written for WKRP. And I knew Hugh pretty well. We were on staff of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW together.

But at the time he was producing WKRP I was on MASH and had very little time to sleep, much less write scripts on the side.

Hugh went on to do another show I admired greatly – FRANK’S PLACE.

And he became a pretty hot comedy film director as well. I miss him.

From Brian:

What do you think it is about modern day multicams that make them far less memorable and successful than their decades earlier counterparts? A more plastic look and presentation? Unfunny, lazy scripts? Less charismatic actors? All of the above?

I’ve heard from very good writers who have toiled in multi-cam over the last few years that there is tremendous network pressure to pump these shows with jokes every second. They’re afraid if the audience goes a minute without a joke they’ll immediately tune out.

As a result, a lot of these shows have become very forced and unnatural. Characters talking in one-liners back and forth and it sounds very artificial.

The best multi-cam comedy comes out of character and relatable behavior. When characters aren’t reacting like real people you lose that.

The studio audience is not going to laugh at every line so the laugh machine fills that role. It’s a vicious circle because the phony laughter becomes that much more obtrusive and annoying. s

On CHEERS and FRASIER we would gladly go a whole minute without a joke to set up a big laugh. I’m not sure producers can do that today. They’re certainly not encouraged to.

I also think less attention is paid to the story telling, which is understandable because “story” is the hardest part. And when shows get away with lazy storytelling by assaulting you with a barrage of jokes they don’t feel the need to work harder on story.

So at the end of the day, I don’t know whether our standards were just higher or today’s showrunner is so inundated with interference that it’s all he can do to turn out a product on time.

Janet has a MASH question.

I've just been rewatching "Goodbye Radar," and I've got an FQ for you.

When it came to the mess tent goodbye party, why did you and David choose to interrupt that party with a batch of wounded instead of having the party itself?

In your view, how was payoff for the viewer better?

We purposely took that approach to avoid the show getting sappy and overly sentimental. We didn’t want long sad speeches. We wanted the Radar farewells to be brief and elegant.

A Hawkeye salute was more powerful than a Hawkeye speech.

It also felt more true to the show. The war intruded at inconvenient times.

And finally, from Mark:

Do you think it's easier for one person to write a drama, but comedy is easier and better written by two or more?

I'm sure drama is enhanced by more input but it seems there are a lot of successful drama writers (Sorkin, etc) who write by themselves. And comedy always seems to be done by teams and groups. It's a hard question to formulate clearly, Ken!

When David and I were writing dramatic scenes for MASH it wasn’t much of an adjustment. And there have been some superb dramatic writing teams. To name but a very few:

Robert & Michelle King
Julius & Phiip Epstein
Richard Levinson & William Link
Frank Glicksman & Don Brinkley (Christie’s dad)

And my personal favorites…

Jerome Lawrence & Robert E. Lee (who wrote the play INHERIT THE WIND.

Generally, the advantage of having a partnership in comedy is that you have another voice you trust to run material by. What is “funny” is so subjective that it’s nice to not be in a vacuum.

Stay safe. Wear a mask.

EP188: Writer Bill Persky of “The Dick Van Dyke Show”

Bill Persky and partner Sam Denoff wrote 29 episodes of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and eventually became its showrunners.  Here’s the inside story of how they made one of the greatest shows ever on television.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Ten years ago...

I haven't done this in awhile, but since very few people read the archives, especially from way back, I like to occasionally reprise Friday Questions from ten years ago.  As NBC once said about reruns:  "If you haven't seen it, it's new to YOU."   

This was from July 16, 2010.  Back when the horrible virus was just hosting a reality show.

Let’s start with Matt:

I have quite a few MASH scripts in my collection and in reading through them, none of writers indicate Stage 9 vs. Fox Ranch locations. How did the production staff decide which location to shoot scenes (aside from the obvious: EXT. CHOPPER PAD - DAY).

The key factor was “time of year”. We could shoot exteriors of the Swamp and Mess Tent right on the stage if we had to (they didn’t look as good but we occasionally did it). I wanted to have helicopters landing in Stage 9 but no one was willing to build the giant removable sunroof that would require.

In the summer when it was light from 6 A.M. to 8 P.M. we shot one day for every episode at the Malibu Ranch location. But in planning the scripts we knew that meant a maximum of eight pages. So we laid out the stories accordingly.

And once we went of Daylight Savings Time that was it for location shooting the rest of the season.

If there was an episode that contained mostly interiors (say a poker game show), we held it back. If you have the MASH DVD’s you’ll see a lot more actual exterior scenes in the first half of each season.

sophomorecritic has a question:

When I first saw Mark Feuerstein in Conrad Bloom, I found him to be a likeable actor. Then the show got cancelled and I don't remember seeing him again until Royal Pains where he's really found a niche.
You have any comments or reflections on his circuitous route to stardom? I also thought Conrad Bloom was a good show, what went wrong?

Mark has done a lot of things. I first worked with him before CONRAD BLOOM on FIRED UP where he was a regular.

For some reason he has had the misfortune of being in quite a few series that never took off. In addition to the two I’ve already mentioned there was THE HEART DEPARTMENT (I don’t even remember that one), GOOD MORNING MIAMI, and 3 LBS.

He’s also been in movies with scumbag Mel Gibson and sweetheart Sandra Bullock. I also saw him on stage starring in a Neil LaBute play last year and he was riveting.

As you said, Mark has an incredibly likable quality. He’s also very real. And having directed him numerous times I can tell you he’s a complete gentleman and professional.

I’m happy ROYAL PAINS is starting to catch on. Mark is really one of the good guys. And off the subject, but his wife Dana is equally terrific.

It’s hard to say just why CONRAD BLOOM didn’t work. Probably my directing.

But seriously, it had some good people and good writers. My guess is it came along the year there was such a glut of sitcoms (or as I like to call it – “the Golden Age when we all could make our car payments”) that it got lost in the shuffle.

Aw, who we kidding? It was my directing.

From Vermonter17032 :

Ken, your desire to be Hawkeye raises an interesting question: Is Hawkeye Pierce the coolest TV sitcom character ever?

No. I would have to say the Fonz and maybe Daryl from Larry, Daryl, and Daryl. Not that Daryl. The other Daryl.

Brian Phillips wonders:

Up until the 1990's, I could tell the difference between videotaped shows and filmed shows. Video shows usually looked bright, like news and sports shows, while the filmed shows' colors and lighting are subtler. Are all sitcoms all on film now or have some merely converted to a high quality of videotape?

To my knowledge, all sitcoms – single and multiple camera – are taped in High Def now. With the proper lightening, you can pretty much simulate that softer film look. If only it could make the jokes funnier.

And finally, from Ed Blonski:

Kelsey Grammer just tweeted a show idea about the Crane brothers' sons with guest appearances of Frasier characters.

I'm wondering what you think of the idea and if you would write for such a show?

First off, it depends on who writes it. If it’s Peter Casey & David Lee or the Charles Brothers then I would certainly entertain it. Otherwise, I highly doubt I'd get involved. And I can’t speak for those four gentleman obviously, but my stab-in-the-dark guess is you’d have to put a loaded gun to their heads to get them to consider it. And even then I dunno.

This idea sounds like the MUPPET BABIES but with FRASIER, which brings to mind an idea I always had – CHEERS BABIES. See baby Norm and baby Cliff at the bar drinking beers. I think it would be a delightful show for the kiddies.What's your question???

Do I have to thank the Academy?

There’s a Jewish expression called “kenahora.” It’s Yiddish for “keep the evil eye away. Don’t tempt evil.” It’s a superstition that if you assume something you might be jinxing it.

Here’s an example of a kenahora:

Because the Emmy awards this year are going to be virtual and a technical nightmare, I understand the Academy is requesting that all nominees record their acceptance speeches in advance. That way they’ll all be ready when the awards are announced.

Talk about tempting fate...

From what I understand, a lot of nominees are uncomfortable doing this, and I don’t blame them. It’s bad enough to lose, but to lose AND have delivered a speech?

How many loser speeches will have “This only proves that if you follow your heart, never give up, and believe in yourself you’ll ultimately triumph!”? How many will thank Jesus who ultimately won’t come through for them?

To me, the only advantage to this is that the speeches will probably be shorter than usual. Who wants to ramble on for five minutes when you know that once you lose, members of the Academy will be playing back your speech and laughing?

Good luck to all the winners. And I really feel bad this year for the losers.