AMERICAN IDOL: Boys will be girls

Since it’s the first week and there are four hours of performance shows I’m doing separate reviews for the boys and girls…this week only.

Tuesday night we got our first look at the boys. At least I think they were the boys. Half of them are prettier than the girls.

As opposed to last season, these kids are far better singers and wow, are their teeth white! They can sing, they can bleach – there’s just no end to their talents.

Ryan began by introducing them as “your top 12”. Mine?? I’m seeing half of these guys for the first time. To be honest, with all the 17 year-olds, it looked like the roll call for New Mouseketeers.

The theme was 60s night but to be accurate they should have called it “Mimic Peabo Bryson night”. Who knew every song from the 60s could sound like “Beauty and the Beast”?

Simon was in mid-season form, offering brutally honest critiques and questioning Paula’s sanity. At one point he pressed her to explain some daffy thing she said and she had to go to Randy for help. She should admit to being on drugs. We would have more respect for her.

First up was David Hernandez. Picture a young John Tarturro. He showed us how Peabo Bryson would sing “In the Midnight Hour”. But he’s got a big voice and will likely stick around.

Then we had Chekezie or Parcheesi, or Jacuzzi, I dunno. Usually before performers go by only one name they wait until they become major stars, or at least make it through to the second week. I think he sang “More Today than Yesterday” but as I remember that song, it had a melody. Chekezie could soon be Outthedoorskie.

There’s always one contestant who has never heard of shampoo. This year's grooming nightmare is David Cook. He’s the deranged outlaw that John Wayne killed in the first five minutes of every western he appeared in. David gave the Peabo Bryson interpretation of “Happy Together”. And he has the distinction of being the first contestant to pick up the mic stand. Please consider that when you’re voting.

Jason Yeager was next. Who??? If these people are too boring to be shown in either the auditions or Hollywood week (we’re talking 100 hours of airtime here) then you know they won’t be around long. He sang “Moon River”.

Moon River, wider than a mile, a tale as old as time, a song as old as rhyme, my huckleberry friend…

You get the idea.

Then came Jason Castro (pictured). Imagine Lisa Edelstein with dreadlocks. Here’s the only time I disagreed with Simon. He loved his rendition of “Daydream”. I thought it was weak. Paula couldn’t keep her hands on the table.

Colton Berry must think he’s in Flock of Seagulls. What’s with the blond hair swept way to the side? He looked like he was attacked by a leaf blower.

This year’s token rocker is Robbie Carrico. The judges were fawning over him because he’s so “authentic”. They completely missed that he’s a Bret Michaels clone.

They also loved loved loved David Archuleta. The fact that they were so excited about a 17 year-old who could easily pass for 9 creeps me out more than a little. Still, he’s a good singer and four million middle school girls had their first orgasm Tuesday night.

Luke Menard. Again, who???? Much weaker voice than the others but looks like Hugh Jackman. Will be around long into the competition.

Danny Noriega is an 18 year-old who looks like Jane Fonda in Klute. He sang “Jailhouse Rock” (an Elvis song from the 50s not 60s) with all the soul of, well…Jane Fonda in Klute.

The cute girls continue with Garrett Haley (pictured). Ryan says he looks like Peter Frampton or Leif Garrett. If you ask me, he’s Heather Graham with a schnoz. He sang “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” through his nose. Next to this guy Neil Sedaka is Springsteen.

The best was saved for last. Michael Johns. Great voice and charisma. Sang “Light My Fire” as a rock song not the theme from “Aladdin”. Should wind up in the top two if he’s not disqualified for getting Paula pregnant.

The girls are next. My thoughts on Friday. And for the tenth year in a row I will be filing my bitchy Oscar review early Monday morning. I guess that means I’ll have to watch them. Shit.