Summer in the (Windy) City

Back from Chicago for my daughter Annie’s graduation from Northwestern. It’s been a busy final week for her – a prom, rehearsals, changing her major one last time. And a hectic one for us. Usually when my wife and I travel we don’t also include my son, father, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and seven-year-old niece-in-law.

The eight of us arrived on four different flights at four different times. Each flight was late, rides were missed, and thus began five days of what I like to call “the Chinese Ringtone Torture Test”. My wife’s cellphone died so all calls went through me. I was Heidi Fleiss during Superbowl weekend.

Our hotel in Evanston, normally at $115 a night charged $335 a night for graduation weekend. I heard some disgruntled guests saying they’d never stay there again but I’m sure the hotel’s position was “So what? It’s graduation. You’re never coming back anyway. So shut up. Check out time is eleven.” Actually the staff was quite lovely (as is everyone in Chicago – it gets a little creepy) and they did provide Q-tips in the room, which they usually don’t, so I for one did not feel remotely ripped off.

Evanston was packed for the festivities. The panhandler in front of CVS pharmacy snarled, “I can’t wait til you people get out of here! No one from out of town gives me a dime!”

Restaurants loved it though. Even Ruby Tuesday’s was taking reservations.

The good weather season in Chicago is June 21st so we timed it pretty well. When the sun is out and people aren’t collapsing from the heat and humidity a favorite activity is street fairs, coating every building with a smoky layer of grease. Wasn’t able to get to any this go-round but the one I really wanted to see was the Caribbean Jerkfest. In LA we have the Hollywood Jerkfest, but it’s normally just called “the entertainment industry”.

Of course it did rain during the outdoor graduation ceremony. I think it was God’s way of punishing Northwestern for no longer calling themselves “the Fighting Methodists” (they really once did).

They should go back to it. Maybe they’d get to a bowl better than Alamo or Citrus. And instead of Willie the Wildcat their mascot could be someone in a Tallulah Bankhead costume with ninja sticks.

Not to get too wrapped up in tradition but this was the 150th time Northwestern graduate candidates filed in, all in cap and purple gown, all on cellphones. A few with iPods. Only one or two with a Wii.

Annie looked gorgeous. I honestly didn’t think this day would ever come. I never really believed I’d see my daughter spend two hours in a football stadium.

I always go through the program and look for interesting names I might be able to use in future scripts. Expect the heroine of my next film to be called Aunyaporn Amornpongchai and her leading man to be Sergiy Sergiyovych Komirenko.

According to the Fur Information Council of America (the real FICA), Chicagoland fur coat owners should store them in vaults set between 40-50 degrees to protect their precious pelts in the summer. If you ask me, they should toss those owners into the vaults. Get Petagonia jackets! Leave the animals alone!

The L-Series was played this weekend. Thanks to interleague play, the crosstown Cubs and White Sox met for a grudge match. Other bitter rivalries this weekend included Florida at Oakland, Arizona at Minnesota, and the war of all wars – Texas at Washington.

Of the two local managers, the Cubs’ Lou Pinella has Tasmanian Devil-like tantrums, rips up bases, hurls them across the field and he’s the sane one. With White Sox skipper Ozzie Guillan you get the meltdowns, profane rants on live television, and recently he refused to apologize for the display of inflatable female dolls that were in the team’s clubhouse in Toronto. You have to love and admire this man.

The Cubs swept the Sox. Those lovable bleacher bums poured out of Wrigley cheering, and reveling, and pissing on every homeowner’s lawn.

We helped pack up Annie’s apartment. She shared it with two other classmates so there was a lot of sorting. “Annie, which of these empty gin bottles is yours?” It’s amazing how many pirate decorations you can accumulate in only four years. I’m not sure whether new students are moving in next year or they’re just condemning the building.

Al Capone is still more popular in Chicago than Sammy Sosa.

There were actually two convocations – the main one on Friday where we all had to suffer through Mayor Daley’s rehashed campaign speech. (Did he really think kids would be inspired by how much Chicago will profit if they get the Olympics in 2016? Come on Northwestern. Richard Daley is the best you could do? Jesus! Even Ali G. gets better guests.)

And then on Saturday the actual diplomas were handed out. To save money and avoid getting a second speaker I hear the university is considering just text messaging them in the future.

Sunday was a delightful mix of sunshine and hail.

I’ve loved going to Chicago these last four years. There are a lot of things I’m going to miss including ribs, the people, Wrigley, Rush Street on warm nights, the Jack Brickhouse statue, Gino’s, the view from Sears (the tower not the Auto Center on Cicero Ave.), Bob Hartley’s apartment building, Ed Farmer, the National Asian-American Sports Hall of Fame, Frank Lloyd Wright, egg salad recalls, Le Peep’s, whatever Marshall Field’s is called these days, Gene & Georgetti’s, Lyle Dean, Lakeshore Drive, the Pat & Ron show, Dixie Kitchen, Bill Kurtis, everyone talking like Joan Cusack, cab driver Robert who learned to speak English by watching MAJOR DAD, Flat Top, the International Museum of Surgical Sciences, Roger Ebert in the Sun-Times, the panhandler in front of CVS, the Purple Line to the Red Line, John Records Landecker, and finally -- just hangin’ with my BFF Oprah.

Go Fighting Meths!