Friday, August 29, 2008

Happy birthday, Annie

Today’s my daughter’s birthday. Not only is she smart, beautiful, funny, and talented. She’s also sick. Here’s a recent sketch she wrote. Happy birthday, Annie. Your dad loves you.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN: THE MUSICAL


INT. THEATER - NIGHT.

A man in soldier's uniform stands on a stage in front of the
curtain. Note: everything should be as over-the-top as
possible.

RYAN
France during the war is really
depraved.

My name is Ryan and I’m here to be
saved!

The curtain rises, lights go up.

It’s the set of “Saving Private Ryan the Musical.” Really
flamboyant soldiers are singing in front of a set of
Normandy, France.

SOLDIERS
(Singing to the tune of
“Fun, Fun, Fun”)
Well, this evil man named Hitler
Just wanted a pure Aryan nation
And he tried to take over the world
With his administration
So we flew out to France ‘cuz
They’re under German Occupation
So we’ll need
Guns, Guns, Guns
Til we finally blow the Germans
away

CUT TO:
LATER

Private Ryan stands with a French girl. There is fighting
going on in the background.

RYAN
Oh Chloe. I knew from the moment I
saw you that you were the only one
for me. Fate must have brought us
together. I feel like we’ve made
the deepest connection two people
can make. I don’t want to go one
without you.

CHLOE
(Not understanding
anything)
Ummm...Oui?

They embrace.

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIERS
(singing to the tune of
Kokomo)
Omaha
With more dead bodies
Than you ever saw
Things all are tres francois
Down here on Omaha

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIER 1
So let’s get this straight. Even
though we just made it through an
incredibly horrific battle, you
still want us to go look for one
person and inevitably die trying?

MILLER
Umm, yeah pretty much.

SOLDIER 1
Alright, I’m in.

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIERS
(singing to the tune of
“Surfin’ Safari”)
C’mon Ryan where could you be?
(searching safari)
All of your brothers are dead. All
three! (searching safari)
Let’s go searching now
Look at all the Germans! Wow!
Search for Private Ryan with me.

CUT TO:
LATER

Ryan and Chloe are about to kiss when:

SOLDIER 1
Here he is guys, I found him!

Other soldiers run is and start grabbing Ryan.

SOLDIERS
(ad lib)
Yay!! We found him! Hurray!

RYAN
What are you guys doing?

SOLDIER 2
We’re saving you!

RYAN
No no. I’m OK.

SOLDIER 2
We have orders to save you.

RYAN
I don’t want to be saved!

CHLOE
Qui sont ces hommes?

RYAN
Uh--une minute--mon amour
(To the soldiers)
Really guys I think I’m fine.
Thanks though.

SOLDIER 1
Well, this sucks.

Suddenly, there is a lot of gun fire. Soldiers start dying
elaborately choreographed deaths. PRIVATE RYAN runs back out.

RYAN
Ok! Ok! I changed my mind. You can
save me.

SOLDIERS
(singing the finale)
So we’ll need
Guns, Guns, Guns
Til we finally blow the Germans
away. Away.

Big freeze. End of the show. Blackout.

12 comments:

A. Buck Short said...

The Capitol Steps respond. Now that the strategists have succeeded in neutralizing Delaware’s powerful 3 electoral votes with Alaska’s, we still have to figure out an Almost Perfect way to go up against that pesky distaff issue. Good-vibrationally speaking.

So move your caucus over here and click on the video screen (twice if necessary).

http://www.inews3.com/play.php?first=Annie &last=Levine

Say it with us now, “Yes we Ken! Yes we Ken!” Happy birthday Kid. And Godspeed.

n8vnyer said...

She's a funny girl. You're a lucky man to have such a terrific daughter!

Sebastian said...

Great up until now I could pretend that you daughter, being such a great writer, could be at least not-cute.

You are producing avid fanboys here Kevin.

I guess a lot of your friends have to be darn jealous that your kids are following in your footsteps (sans doing radio or tv host).

Lucky bastard ;-D

SharoneRosen said...

Mel Brooks would be proud (now, how do I make this fit in to my all Beach Boys Purim Schpiel? Two Jew for Every Goy.....)

Daniel said...

she could always write the sequel,
"Summertime For Hitler"

LouOCNY said...

Happy Birfday, Annie/Diana/Porntip! Is your dad jealous of your talent yet? (yeah, I'm the one who uncovered your 'Diana' alias - I am surprised I was not taken away...)

hope your illness is not serious, but try and enjoy the day anyways!

does Isaacs have a talented kid? If not, how about a Levine/Isaacs/Levine partnership?

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

You slayed me with simply the title: "Saving Private Ryan - The Musical."

My mind reeled with dissonant imagery of both ends of that work.

That's Mel Brooks' quality: "Springtime for Hitler."

I wonder what other yucks and fun exist among humanity's ghoulish events?

Go Annie! ...and Happy Birthday, too...

A. Buck Short said...

Would you be willing to take a spec. shot at "Diary of Ann Frank -- the Video Game?"

Daniel said...

a. buck short,
they can only look at "Diary of Ann Frank -- the Video Game" if it comes as a package deal with "A Bridge Too Far - Part Two" with another ensamble cast, but this time with 70's and 80's childhood actors, starring, who else, but Todd Bridges.

or there's always the direct-to-dvd, Veggie Tales presents Shindler's List.

Mary Stella said...

ROFL. The apple didn't fall far from that family tree!

Happy birthday, Annie!

Tom Quigley said...

Annie,

First chance I've had to read this post --

Great Sketch! Laughed all the way through it, especially while reading the song parodies (Note to Ken: K-EARTH 101 just called -- they want their Beach Boys albums back)...

Happy Belated Birthday!

ugtv.org said...

It's kinda like Platunes, part of Oliver Stone Land from the Ben Stiller Show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTtevKhf2eI