Memories of the roller derby

I see there’s a new movie coming out about the roller derby (WHIP IT, directed by Drew Barrymore). I wonder if today’s young cineplexgoers will have any connection to this elegant sport. For me, growing up in the 60s in LA, the roller derby was a big part of the local landscape. Our team -- the Los Angeles Thunderbirds -- outdrew the Lakers for a couple of years. If only Hollywood royalty like Jack Nicholson and prison elite like Mike Tyson had fancied the rink instead of the hardwood, folks in the southland might be driving around with T-Bird flags on their cars.

What is the roller derby? It’s a banked oval track. Two teams of five skaters go around and around. One member from each team wears a beanie called a “jammer cap” and accrues points by passing opposing team members. There is a lot of hitting, pushing, elbowing, and tripping in this finesse competition. And confusion because you have both offense and defense taking place simultaneously.

That would be enough. But wait! There’s more! It’s a coed sport!!! The T-Birds had a men’s squad and a ladies’ squad. That’s right. Women hitting and elbowing and clotheslining each other. Let’s see Kobe Bryant compete with that.

There was this bogus league that included the T-Birds and three or four other teams. T-Bird games were live on Channel 5 at least once a week. So they never traveled. And they rarely lost. I’d like to say they were world champions every year but it seemed the annual post season playoffs took place every six weeks. I believe New York had a league too. There might have been leagues in Kansas City and Mobile too. It wouldn’t surprise me.

The T-Bird's announcer on KTLA was colorful Dick Lane. With his catch phrase “Whoa Nellie!” after every blow to the kidney, Lane delighted Angelinos with his exciting call. Dick walked us through the finer points of the sport – which cheap shots were legal and which were not. I think setting an opponent on fire was the only infraction worthy of a penalty.

We all had our favorite T-Birds. Mine were Ralphie Valladeres, John Hall, and Danny Reilly. One of the players wore glasses (might have been Reilly, not sure) and I found that hysterical considering players were getting whacked in the chops during the National Anthem. On the women’s side I loved them all. Terri Lynch, Honey Sanchez, Gwen Miller and the rest of those angelic creatures could really gouge.

The home of the T-Birds was the downtown Olympic Auditorium. Built in the 20s for the 1932 Los Angeles Olympics, this was a big ominous barn where boxing and wrestling matches were held along with the roller derby.

I only attended one game in person. Several of my friends and I ventured to the Olympic one night to see the big grudge match between our beloved Thunderbirds and the dreaded Detroit Devils (who could have been the Texas Outlaws the week before, who knew?). The place was packed. You were very close to the action. And the acoustics were LOUD.

Three memories stand out. The T-Birds won (guess I caught ‘em on a good night), there was an old lady next to me (had to be 90) who stood on her chair and screamed obscenities. And then this – the greatest announcement I’ve ever heard at a sporting event: The P.A. announcer said, “Fans, do not throw anything onto the rink. You have no guarantee it’ll hit the player you’re aiming at.”

Whoa Nellie!

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