Monday, September 28, 2009

What's on pay-per-view tonight?

Channel surfing recently I came upon INPPV, which I guess is our cable company’s pay-per-view “adult” channel. These are the ACTUAL titles. I may have taken a little creative license with the descriptions. But probably not much. Again, the titles are REAL.

HOT AND BUSTY SECRETARIES/NUDE -- They feel objectified and demand their bosses refer to them as Hot and Busty Assistants/Nude.

FORBIDDEN SEX EXPOSED -- It’s the one show MacKenzie Phillips hasn’t been on yet.

BUSTY BANK TELLER ORGY CAUGHT ON TAPE -- Doggy-style day afternoon.

NUDE COEDS: WET & WILD – There’s a flood in the Math Science building.

PORN STAR BOWLING -- no one can pull off a 7-10 split like these gals.

NAKED NEWS TV – Analysis of the recent G20 Summit.

UP THE SKIRT UNCENSORED -- The world as viewed from under a subway grating.

BLIND DATE/SLUMBER PARTY – Because every blind date looks like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie with the lights out.

DESPERATE SLUTS -- Starring Teri Snatcher, Fellatio Huffman, Marcia Crass, and Eva Longwhoria.

NUDE YOUNG SLUTS REVEAL ALL – They share their most recent findings on Merkel cell research.

SORORITY STRIP OFF – The election for house treasurer is decided on jello shot night.

ALL NUDES HOTTIES/ HOME ALONE -- No wonder those two burglars keep trying to break in.

BIG BUSTED COPS: WILD SEX ORGY – Fund raisers honoring Joseph Wambaugh haven’t brought in the big bucks.

SOCCER MOM WILD SEX PARTY – For that big postgame celebration, Pizza Hut accommodates the kids and the moms!

GIRL ON GIRL: LICK MY HEART -- To accomplish that it would have to be GIRL ON DEAD GIRL.

AMATEUR PERV CAM – It’s the one porno the Teamsters don’t want you to see.

CHEATING MILF’S EXPOSED – Beverly Hills plastic surgeons discover some of their patients have used other doctors.

AMERICAN COUGARS -- Courtney Cox stars in this delightful new comedy.

HORNY NUDE SPORTS GROUPIES -- Baseball’s “other” bobbleheads.

NAKED GHETTO GIRLZ -- Girls so poor they can’t afford clothes and the letter “s”.

SEXY GIRL ATHLETES: NAKED YOGA – By popular demand, more supine poses.

NAKED BEACH VOLLEYBALL – Very tough on the commentators since no one wears numbers.

MILFS WHO LOVE YOUNG BABES – And spend all their husbands’ money futilely trying to look like them.

And finally, requiring no explanation:



Aron said...

Hi Ken. I just discovered your blog, but I've been going through the archives and immensely enjoying your insights and anecdotes. My question is about writing classic tv moments. IMHO, the Sam Malone rap is one of the funniest minutes in tv history. Even today, everytime I hear an injury report, I play it in my head. When you guys write a gem like that, do you know that it's classic right away, or are you still unsure until the moment Ted Danson turns on the boombox?


D. McEwan said...

God that was funny. I laughed and laughed. Fellatio Huffman. I LOVE her work!

Anonymous said...

how did u get the descriptions? did u have to watch every show to gather them?!!

LeeFranke said...

Only porn stars would wear stiletto heal bowling shoes.

playfull said...

NAKED NEWS TV – (should have read) Analysis of the recent G-spot20 Summit.

Sean said...

How I long for the days of Porn titles that spun out of recent movies and tv shows. Granted, hard to top "Backside To The Future."

WV: poker - "No, we just shook hands."

Tom Quigley said...

Wore out my channel-changer trying to watch all these shows.... Appointment with my doctor in the morning to see if he can bring my channel-changer back to life...

Mike M. said...

Sean: I always liked "Free My Willy"

Tom said...

Porn Star Bowling: Watch as they pick up the spare without using a ball - or their hands!

Ref said...

SCRAMC: Get out of Hamtramck, NOW!

Dana Gabbard said...

You missed the fabulous new Lingerie Football League. And it is on free TV.

Wouldn't you love to be at the meeting where the marketing guys came up with this one.

"Watch as they pick up the spare without using a ball" -- sort of like the Playboy centerfold on Family Feud whose bust hit the buzzer accidentally. Man, they got a huge laugh...

Mel Ryane said...

Wow, you bolted out of Yom Kippur.

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stiletto said...

I like the Pizza Hut sign "MILFS eat free" but do we trust the Pizza Hut employees to decide who deserves MILF status? I hope head office has provided training and/or guidelines on this.