How Joan Rivers saved Christmas

Went to New York for Thanksgiving this year. There’s something really special about watching the Macy’s Day Parade on television when you’re actually in the city.

The flight to New York was a cross between the Beverly Hills Gymboree and Lord of the Flies. If the flight attendants went down the aisle selling noise-canceling ear buds, people would have paid a thousand dollars for them.

We arrived at 4:05. Winter arrived at 4:11.

Rented a nice apartment on the Upper East Side. Among the conditions in the contract -- we were not allowed to invite Charlie Sheen over.

Somebody on the street was distributing free Kabbalah shopping bags. The wisdom of the ages and a way to carry your liquor!

The giant Christmas tree was up in Rockefeller Center. A bit of a letdown.  But I’m sure it looks better at night when the scaffolding is all lit up.

Heath Ledger’s apartment is for sale. $5,000,000 but includes ghost.

Thanksgiving morning. Threatening skies, 39 degrees, and windy. I joke, but if you’re ever in New York, at least once in your life, do treat yourself and see the Macy’s Day Parade in HD.

Some highlights from this year’s march past:

--Al Roker interviewing Ben Rappaport, the star of NBC’s uh, “hit” new show, Outsourced, and calling him “a fish out of comedy”.


-- The Mickey Mouse balloon doing a “Heil Hitler” salute.  From son, Matt:  When did they un-freeze Walt Disney?


--Offstage announcer: “Coming up next: a one-of-a-kind performance from the U.S. Pizza Twirling Team!”


--The cheerleading captains all-star squad. Can you imagine the bitch quotient there? From daughter, Annie: “A thousand girls all yelling, “I want to be in front!”


--The Black Eyed Peas medley from some high school marching band. I never really appreciated their music until I heard it with tubas.


-- The kids dressed as dancing sausages on the Jimmy Dean float.


--Offstage announcer: “Coming up next: the official start of the holiday season with Joan Rivers!”

--Jessica Simpson, who’s gained a pound or two, appropriately riding the Pillsbury Doughboy float.

I dunno. The parade is just not the same anymore without the Bullwinkle, Underdog, and Nathan Lane balloons.

The real reason to be in New York for Thanksgiving: The Odd Couple marathon on WPIX.

There’s a lot of daring theater on Broadway currently. The risk-taking Elf musical, the untested Lion King, the chancy Mary Poppins, the groundbreaking Pee Wee Herman Show, not to mention, the always controversial Donny & Marie Show.

The long-delayed Spiderman rock musical is due to finally go into previews. Considering all the accidents they’ve already had, it’s more like a rock musical of The Hurt Locker.

Your best theater bet is La Bete starring David Hyde Pierce and Mark Rylance. David was kind enough to stop the stage manager from running us off after the show.

Lots of Frasier alums on Broadway these days. Kelsey Grammer in La Cage Aux Folles, Bebe Neuwirth in the Addams Family, and Eddie has gone into Driving Miss Daisy. Thanks again, David, for a wonderful evening.

Remember when stores opened at 5:00 AM on Black Friday? Kohl’s opened at 3:00, thus getting a big jump on all those homeless shoppers.

There’s now a dress code for New York City taxi drivers. No more tank tops. No more bathing suits. They are still allowed to reek, though. They’d quit en masse if they couldn’t do that.

Little Night Music was a huge disappointment. What should be a light frothy soufflé, in the hands of director Trevor Nunn, is a leaden German pancake. But Bernadette Peters sang “Send in the Clowns” beautifully, and Elaine Stritch remembered many of her lines.

A man reading Sondheim’s bio in the row behind me said to his wife: “I didn’t know that – he also did the music for Company.” Probably a Tony voter.

Don Draper would be proud. This is Cadillac’s new holiday slogan: “This year, give the gift of asphalt”.

Came home on Saturday rather than Sunday for the same reason I don’t go to Macy’s at 5:00 AM on Black Friday.

Managed to negotiate JFK without getting X-Rayed. And that's with Kabbalah bags. Personally, I’m outraged by these new, highly invasive, demeaning screening methods. Either preserve our constitutional rights and discontinue them, or let women pat down the men.

Now that Joan Rivers has given the okay, the holiday season is officially here. Have a fabulous one!