Thursday, June 23, 2011
Kim Kardashian’s ex, Reggie Bush, is now dating a Kim Kardashian impersonator. They say it's what's on the inside that counts, which is why I think this is such a smart move.
Emmy ballots are due tomorrow. And I’m still not finished watching all of the “For Your Consideration” DVD’s I’ve been sent. Yes, these people spent a lot of money on package and postage but they all have a real legitimate shot. So today I plan to watch GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS, AMERICAN CHOPPER: SENIOR VS. JUNIOR, MIKE & MOLLY, JOAN & MELISSA: MELISSA KNOWS BEST, HAWTHORNE, OUTSOURCED, and LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY. It’s going to be tough because I can see each one of these winning.
The Barefoot Bandit made a plea deal with federal prosecutors this week. He was arrested last year for allegedly committing dozens of crimes in nine states including the theft of a $450,000 yacht and several airplanes. Talk about optimism – his mom does not think her son will spend much time in prison. Oh really? Felonies in nine states? She also said he plans to enroll in aviation school after his release. He better sign up now. Those pilot classes for 2067 are filling up fast. By the way, there is a movie in pre-production about his life. I wish I was kidding.
Woody Allen says his latest film, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is a love letter to Paris. That’s wonderful. But how about making a love letter to the audience? That said, with some judicious editing, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS would make a smashing short.
As someone who grew up loving the Dodgers, I look at the sorry state of the franchise now with this McCourt mess and liken it to that girl you always loved in high school. You see her at the twenty year reunion and go, “AAAAGH!!” You wonder, what could have possibly happened and then she says, “Have you met my husband, Charlie Sheen?”
In Ogden, Utah, Jason Valdez recently held a woman hostage at a motel in a tense 16-hour, overnight standoff with SWAT teams. All the while, he found time to keep updating his status on Facebook. Meanwhile, a friend posted that a SWAT officer was hiding in the bushes. "Thank you homie," Valdez replied. "Good looking out." I am unfriending this person.
More wacky crimes: Christian Hernandez, an El Monte, California idiot was arrested in 2009 for molestation and possession of child pornography and has been sentenced to 30 years in the slammer. (I wonder what his mom says.) Here’s the good part: He was arrested in 2009 after admitting to viewing child pornography on an employment questionnaire for the California Highway Patrol.
And then there’s the woman in Minnesota who was arrested for stealing a full mink coat and hiding it in her underwear. Okay, I leave that punchline to you.
TV Academy members: Vote for Margo Martindale.
Which judge would you vote off THE VOICE if you could?
Let’s see if Kim Kardashian starts dating one of the many Lamar Odom impersonators.
My next time in the Mariners’ booth is July 7 when the M’s are in Anaheim to take on the Rally Monkeys. Thanks to those of you who asked.
Jane Wiseman has left NBC comedy development and joined Peter Chernin’s company as the SVP of comedy development. I really like Jane. She’s one of the good ones and I wish her well. And I say that without a single idea to pitch her.
Note to advertisers: I will NEVER EVER EVER buy any product you try to sell me by filling my screen with an unwanted ad when I load a page. If you make me click a little X I hate you. No, let me rephrase that: I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! Now seriously, is that what you want?
I gotta hand it to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. They do a whole cover piece and big article on Ryan Reynolds then give GREEN LANTERN a C+.
Aaron Sorkin quit Facebook. Oh, like he has better things to do than delete the endless spam that now shows up on everyone's home page, and poke people.
Michael Bay (who Megan Fox likened to Hitler, although I think he’s more of a Hitler impersonator) is demanding major theatre chains show his new TRANSORMERS 3D explosionfest in a way that burns out projector bulbs more quickly. Yeah, that’s the problem with his movie – it’s not bright enough. Next he’s going to demand that theatergoers stop wearing those damn sunglasses!
According to the Amazon page, customers who bought my book (if you haven’t already please do – it’s just $2.99… or the price of a box seat to a Dodger game) also bought Do Tampons Take Your Virginity?, The Sex Lives of Cannibals, Dating My Vibrator, Big White Panties, Diary of a Mad Fat Girl, Swahili For the Broken-Hearted, and The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee.
By Ken Levine at 5:48 AM