Thursday, June 23, 2011

More random blogservations...

 Warning:  I'm in a generally snarky mood. 

Kim Kardashian’s ex, Reggie Bush, is now dating a Kim Kardashian impersonator.  They say it's what's on the inside that counts, which is why I think this is such a smart move. 

Emmy ballots are due tomorrow. And I’m still not finished watching all of the “For Your Consideration” DVD’s I’ve been sent.  Yes, these people spent a lot of money on package and postage but they all have a real legitimate shot.  So today I plan to watch GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS, AMERICAN CHOPPER: SENIOR VS. JUNIOR, MIKE & MOLLY, JOAN & MELISSA: MELISSA KNOWS BEST, HAWTHORNE, OUTSOURCED, and LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY. It’s going to be tough because I can see each one of these winning.

The Barefoot Bandit made a plea deal with federal prosecutors this week. He was arrested last year for allegedly committing dozens of crimes in nine states including the theft of a $450,000 yacht and several airplanes. Talk about optimism – his mom does not think her son will spend much time in prison. Oh really? Felonies in nine states? She also said he plans to enroll in aviation school after his release. He better sign up now.  Those pilot classes for 2067 are filling up fast.  By the way, there is a movie in pre-production about his life.  I wish I was kidding. 

Woody Allen says his latest film, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is a love letter to Paris. That’s wonderful. But how about making a love letter to the audience?   That said, with some judicious editing, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS would make a smashing short. 

As someone who grew up loving the Dodgers, I look at the sorry state of the franchise now with this McCourt mess and liken it to that girl you always loved in high school.  You see her at the twenty year reunion and go, “AAAAGH!!” You wonder, what could have possibly happened and then she says, “Have you met my husband, Charlie Sheen?”

In Ogden, Utah, Jason Valdez recently held a woman hostage at a motel in a tense 16-hour, overnight standoff with SWAT teams. All the while, he found time to keep updating his status on Facebook. Meanwhile, a friend posted that a SWAT officer was hiding in the bushes. "Thank you homie," Valdez replied. "Good looking out." I am unfriending this person.

More wacky crimes: Christian Hernandez, an El Monte, California idiot was arrested in 2009 for molestation and possession of child pornography and has been sentenced to 30 years in the slammer. (I wonder what his mom says.) Here’s the good part: He was arrested in 2009 after admitting to viewing child pornography on an employment questionnaire for the California Highway Patrol.

And then there’s the woman in Minnesota who was arrested for stealing a full mink coat and hiding it in her underwear. Okay, I leave that punchline to you. 

Saw the trailer for MONEYBALL.  It's weird to see Brad Pitt playing someone I know (Oakland A's GM, Billy Beane).  Makes me wonder what actor would play me in a movie.   I'm thinking either Jon Hamm or Maya Rudolph. 

TV Academy members:  Vote for Margo Martindale.

Which judge would you vote off THE VOICE if you could?

Let’s see if Kim Kardashian starts dating one of the many Lamar Odom impersonators.

My next time in the Mariners’ booth is July 7 when the M’s are in Anaheim to take on the Rally Monkeys. Thanks to those of you who asked. 

Jane Wiseman has left NBC comedy development and joined Peter Chernin’s company as the SVP of comedy development. I really like Jane. She’s one of the good ones and I wish her well. And I say that without a single idea to pitch her.

Note to advertisers: I will NEVER EVER EVER buy any product you try to sell me by filling my screen with an unwanted ad when I load a page. If you make me click a little X I hate you. No, let me rephrase that: I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! Now seriously, is that what you want?

51 year-old actor Doug Hutchinson (who appeared in LOST) just married a 16-year-old girl.  He got an congratulatory email from Hef who also wondered if she had a little sister.

I gotta hand it to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. They do a whole cover piece and big article on Ryan Reynolds then give GREEN LANTERN a C+.

Aaron Sorkin quit Facebook. Oh, like he has better things to do than delete the endless spam that now shows up on everyone's home page, and poke people. 


Michael Bay (who Megan Fox likened to Hitler, although I think he’s more of a Hitler impersonator) is demanding major theatre chains show his new TRANSORMERS 3D explosionfest in a way that burns out projector bulbs more quickly. Yeah, that’s the problem with his movie – it’s not bright enough. Next he’s going to demand that theatergoers stop wearing those damn sunglasses!

According to the Amazon page, customers who bought my book (if you haven’t already please do – it’s just $2.99… or the price of a box seat to a Dodger game) also bought Do Tampons Take Your Virginity?, The Sex Lives of Cannibals, Dating My Vibrator, Big White Panties, Diary of a Mad Fat Girl, Swahili For the Broken-Hearted, and The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee.

35 comments:

Nathan said...

I hope Woody Allen gets John Galliano's scenes shot before sentencing.

Please Don't Eat Me said...

What have you got against Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris was a pretty good film.

And, how'd you like to go to your high school reunion and see that girl you crushed and she introduces you to this guy as her husband:


http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/06/22/BAH01K1EK2.DTL&tsp=1

Anonymous said...

I just wish the Kardashians would do a segment revealing what incriminating evidence their daddy hid for O.J.

Sebastian said...

Jon Ronson was played by Ewan McGregor.

Trust me, you could easily be played by George Clooney... just write something witty.

Retro Blog said...

May I suggest Ashton Kucher (spelling?) casting for Barefoot Bandit? Retro

RCP said...

You know what's really scary Ken - I thought you were making those book titles up.

Powerhouse Salter said...

An applicant for social services in the state of Washington must answer yes-no to this line: "I am or someone I'm applying for is fleeing from the law to avoid going to court or jail for a felony crime." I assume there is no wrong answer.

Eric said...

What do you think are the odds that Christian Hernandez got a call for an interview with CHP while he was on trial?

jbryant said...

The Bedwetter is Sarah Silverman's book, and it's hilarious.

TV Academy members: Vote for LOUIE.

Emmy Voter said...

Speaking of the Emmy's... Got my ballot in, and I'm amazed that "Community" did not submit either of their paintball episodes. They didn't submit the one last year, either. I ended up not nominating any scripts for a show that I love because there were better choices elsewhere (e.g. "Modern Family" which may just sweep the noms in the writing category). Surprisingly, no "30 Rock" scripts got my votes either. A shockingly sub-par year for them.

After all the negative press, I was also surprised by "The Kennedys" in the miniseries category. What I thought would be a sample viewing turned into me watching the entire thing. Tom Wilkinson was amazing...Greg Kinnear just perfect. What was the objection here? There wasn't a single bit of information that I hadn't read somewhere else, and when all was said and done, I thought the family came off quite well...heroic, even. There probably won't be any Emmy love for this project, which is too bad. Oh, well, that's show biz.

Mac said...

Margo Martindale should get a nomination if there's any justice in the universe (which there isn't).
Walton Goggins has been amazing as well. I know Timothy Oliphant is the man man (and he's wonderful) but sometimes Goggins just steals the show.
Apparently his character was supposed to get the chop early on, but he was so compelling that they let him live and wrote great stortylines for him.

Tom said...

I have never understood the "Moneyball" Billy-Beane-is-a-genius thing. Does he even have a winning record with the A's? Have they won so much as a division title? (Of course I could look this up, but if Sarah Palin doesn't have to check facts then neither do I...) Meanwhile, the guy he supposedly fleeces at every turn in the book (Kenny Williams, GM of the White Sox) has two division titles, a pennant and a World Championship.

WV: "fessing": what I am doing by freely admitting that I haven't looked up Billy Beane's record.

BD Johnson said...

Theater owners are intentionally dimming the projector bulbs for both 2D and 3D movies in an effort to save money. Michael Bay and Paramount are asking that the owners bring up the light levels to industry standard levels for both 2D and 3D.

Greg Morrow said...

Roger Ebert has been complaining that theaters show 3D movies too dark to be effective, precisely to cheap out on bulbs. So he would presumably agree with Bay.

Johnny Walker said...

You should post snarky more often!

Johnny Walker said...

Also, wow: Those book titles really ARE what other people bought.

Anonymous said...

We all love snark!!!!

Catherine said...

Note to advertisers: I will NEVER EVER EVER buy any product you try to sell me by filling my screen with an unwanted ad when I load a page. If you make me click a little X I hate you. No, let me rephrase that: I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! Now seriously, is that what you want?"

Ditto. And which is why I will never use Netflix. Their ads pop up continually and sometimes it's necessary to get offline in order to get rid of them. Hate, hate, hate!

Infauxtainer said...

Mink coat in her underpants? That's one helluva pricy merkin.

Stealing a mink coat and hiding it in her underpants? How bush league.

In addition to the giant screen popping up with an incredibly annoying ad, which, like you I FUCKING HATE, can't we at least view one video on CNN (and other outlets) without a commercial in front of it? A-FUCKING-NNOYING!

Tallulah Morehead said...

So why does 51 year old Doug Hutchinson even have a 16 year old girl friend in the first place? Doesn't she have any parents? Isn't that illegal in most civilized places, and disgusting in all of them?

Well at least he did the honorable thing, and made an honest adolescent out of her. Will he help with her homework? Where will the "spouses" sit at her high school graduation two years from now? Roman Polanski sent a telegram: "Isn't she a little over-the-hill, Dougie?"

Incidentally, my amanuensis, Little Dougie, wants it made clear that his last name is McEwan, not Hitchinson, and he's 61, not 51, and he wouldn't date a 16 year old girl even when he was 16.

D. McEwan said...

"Catherine said...
which is why I will never use Netflix. Their ads pop up continually and sometimes it's necessary to get offline in order to get rid of them. Hate, hate, hate!"


Maybe my pop-up blocker is better than yours, but I have never had that problem with Netfix, which is good, because Ntflix has become indispensible to my life.

Where I HAVE had it, in fact encountered them just 20 minutes ago, is on the Huffington Post. I've had to click that stupid "x" box just to see my own column.

Speaking as a purchaser of your book, I can't say I like your posting my other purchases here. Besides, I bought those books for a friend, yeah, that's the ticket, a friend who can't order stuff himself from Amazon because he's - ah - oh yes, he's Amish!

Although Ebert is right, and bulbs (well, "arcs")DO need to burn brighter in 3-D movies, however, I would think at screenings of any TRANSFORMERS movie, the more sensible approach would be to turn the projector lights off altogether.

jbryant said...

Yeah, I don't recall ever having a problem with Netflix pop-ups either. But even if I did, I wouldn't cancel my service, because it's overflowing with great stuff, including tons of streaming content unavailable on DVD (and no, I don't own stock in the company).

l.a.guy said...

"I have never understood the "Moneyball" Billy-Beane-is-a-genius thing. Does he even have a winning record with the A's? Have they won so much as a division title?"

Because I'm an Angels fan and a geek I couldn't resist looking it up--

According to Wikipedia Beane became GM of the A's in Oct 1998. So their record from 1999 through yesterday is 1092-925, 167 games over .500. They won the division in 2000, 2002, 2003 and 2006. Of course 2002, the year Moneyball is based on, the Angels won the wild card and ultimately the World Series.

I think Beane gets a lot of credit for being an effective GM saddled with a small market team budget, but so are Minnesota and Tampa Bay and Florida who have all had good success too with GM's that don't seem to get the same amount of attention. I'll bet there are days Beane wishes he had taken the Red Sox.

I'm looking forward to the movie though.

sanford said...

I saw that you were going to watch a Family Jewels screener for the Emmys. It is the only reality show I watch. There has been some controversy about the first new episode this year, where Shannon walked out on Gene. Some people think this is just a gimmick for the show. Some people are bashing Shannon because she knew about Gene going in. I guess this a long winded way of asking, how real are these shows. There are no writers listed at the end of Family Jewels. On the other hand the family seems to be in situations that only a writer or some producer could put them in. Even for famous people there are too many things happening that would seem to be contrived in some fashion.

Anonymous said...

Not to stand up for Michael Bay, but many theaters actually don't make their movies bright enough -- they keep the bulbs dimmer to save on electricity costs. And it really does detract from the viewing experience -- and sometimes during low-light scenes you can barely see anything.

I've also noticed that the same theaters try to make up for the poor picture by blasting the sound at a million decibels.

scottmc said...

The obituary today for screenwriter David Rayfiel reminded me of your post about Jerry Belson ("“SMILE fulfills a lifelong dream for Mr. Belson – to get paid twice for the same script”.)

It seems that Sydney Pollack loved one line so much that he used it in four films.

The line is:“You think not getting caught in a lie is the same thing as telling the truth”

He used it in : “The Slender Thread,” “This Property Is Condemned,” “Three Days of the Condor” and “The Interpreter.”

Mary Stella said...

Which judge would you vote off THE VOICE if you could?

I love The Voice. I'd keep the coaches and get rid of Carson Daly. He's the Brooke Burke of the show, but with less originality. Pinocchio is less wooden.

Ken, the other day on Amazon when I looked at one of my books, it said that someone had also bought yours!

Cody said...

Ken,

The ads loading on your page is an easy fix. Install Firefox. Then install an add-on in Firefox called adblock plus. No more ads. Easy peasy.

Tom said...

OK, I geeked out and did some research. Non-baseball fans feel free to flee. If my math is right, since Kenny Williams (Beane's punching bag, supposedly) became GM in 2001, the White Sox have gone 887-810 through last night's game against the Cubs, 77 games over .500 (a .522 percentage) with 2 division titles, 4 second-places and 3 thirds in his 10 years...plus the aforementioned pennant and world championship in '05. Take away their atrocious 2007 season (4th place in a five-team division) and Williams' percentage improves to .531, against Beane's .541, so advantage Beane. (Although the A's haven't done better than .500 since 2006 and have finished 3rd or 4th out of four teams in their division in three out of the last four years.) So Beane's reputation just doesn't seem borne out by results on the field, especially when compared with, as l.a.guy points out, small-market Minnesota, with its .548 percentage and 6 division titles since 2001...in a 5-team division that four teams had a legitimate shot at winning virtually every year, and during a time when among other things the commissioner was trying to force the team out of business. Meanwhile, the only one of these three teams to win a pennant or a world championship since 2001 has been the White Sox....But Beane is the genius...

J S Swanson said...

Re: the Pedophile -- Honesty IS the Best Policy.

Sotou Sumup said...

I don't think Beane is a genius, but his approach was unique. I don't think he's had the success of the Twins or Rays, but overall, considering just how cheap Oakland really is, he's done a remarkable job.

In the meantime, Ken...these freakin' punchless M's are killing me! Remember the Earl Weaver offense, 2 bloops and a blast, of course you do. Now the M's offense is a header off a corner kick. That's right, the damn Sounders score more than the Mariners. Come Kick it with the Mariners. That can be their slogan, offensively and defensively.

VP81955 said...

Still trying to make sense of the Nationals losing their manager after finally surpassing the .500 mark this late in the season for the first time since 2005. Is it any wonder that to be a Washington baseball fan requires a sense of fatalism?

Sue said...

Thanks Ken for another fun post. Stay snarky it works! Thanks Cody just added the adblock plus from Foxfire. Really easy and really works. Sue

Damien Galeone said...

Moneyball: I was in Chuck Kinder's fiction seminar when Paramount was casting for 'Wonder Boys.' Michael Douglas' Character Grady Tripp is based on Kinder, and he asked me directly one day, "Who would play you in a movie?" Now, I am short and pudgy, so I said, "I don't know, but if anyone says Danny Devito I'm going to kick you in the shins." He smiled and said, "Only in Fred Flintstone is busy. Those damn creative geniuses...Doh!

Sonia said...

Even though I am reading this post almost a month later, I had to comment and thank you for jump-starting my next three writing assignments; (1) Mink Coat Filled Underware..New Fashion Trend or No? (2) "The Other Side of Ken Levine, starring Maya Rudolph as Ken, and (3)Should Advertisers be Concerned that Mr. Levine is "Not Buying It"? Cheers!