The Oscars are tomorrow night. My snarky review will appear early Monday morning.
During the telecast they always cut-away to quick audience shots. What they should do is just stay with one of the attendees. You’d hear what they’re really thinking. Fortunately, I was able to eavesdrop:
Jesus, getting through that red carpet was a fucking nightmare. Who were those idiots doing the interviews? I bet I could do the broad.
Do I have enough time to go up and get a drink?
Shit. It’s starting.
He’s not funny. How long is this fucking monologue?
Oh Christ. Are they doing that tired bit where the host enters the movies? Just give out the fucking Crackerjack prizes!
Are cameras on us? I swear, I can’t even fake being amused at this shit. Let’s get on with it!
Shit! That asshole won? As if he weren't insufferable before.
Wow. I love that brunette handing out the trophies. What a smile. So sweet. So wholesome. God, I wanna fuck her.
How long is this commercial break? Do I have time to get a drink?
Screenplay awards. Who gives a shit?
How am I ever going to find my limo?
Hey, good for her. She deserved to win. Maybe now she’ll dump that dickhead manager.
Tina Fey is a presenter? Has she been in any movies? Really? Has she been in any movies anyone has seen?
Wow. What a cute seat filler. Bet I could bang her.
Thank me. Thank me. Thank me. Fuck! You ungrateful prick.
Are we coming to the end already? Shit. How can we only be 45 minutes in?
That’s a best song nominee? They can’t be serious.
I wonder how much they’re paying the brunette.
Yeah, that’s right. Thank your wife. She’s probably the only woman in this room you haven’t slept with in the last year.
More commercials? We’re going to be here till next leap year.
How come fucking Jack Black is two rows closer than me?
Didn’t Meryl wear that same dress at the Golden Globes? And last year’s Oscars? I’d still do her.
Here comes the In Memoriam segment. Awwww. Awwwww. He died? Never heard of her. Awwww. Good!
Do we get cellphone service in here?
You’re still not funny!
Jesus! She’s still alive?
Play the get off music! Or shoot him!
It's going to take an hour to get my limo.
Anyone know who’s going to be at the CAA party? Is it worth it?
Finally! Best Picture. Let anyone win but Harvey.
Hey, Harvey! Congratulations! I’m thrilled for you. Seriously. This is your night.
Is he walking out with the brunette. GOD DAMN IT! I hate this town!