Monday, February 20, 2012

In the bedroom with Bill & Hillary Clinton

Worth seeing tonight and tomorrow night is the 4-hour PBS documentary, CLINTON. Love Bill or hate him you’ve got to admit he’s a fascinating character. I saw the program recently on the ship (something to do during the cyclone) and was most impressed with how fair and balanced it was. Other than some really unflattering shots of the young Hillary (and hey, it was her choice to wear those goofy glasses and Brillo hair) they just laid out the facts – good and bad.

It’s a tale of heroics, ego, Houdini acts, lust, ambition, conflict, courage, miscalculation, brilliance, and most of all – how the course of world history can be altered forever by blowjobs. I mean, this is all commonplace in Hollywood, but to see it played out on a global stage -- yowzer! I contribute to PBS because I love that Roy Orbison concert they always play during pledge breaks. But this program is worthy of my support as well.

Personally, I like Bill Clinton. There’s a lot I admire about him. And the country was sure in better shape under his watch. But Jesus, it’s staggering how stupid he was at times.

The one scene they couldn’t show unfortunately (because I’m sure it wasn’t recorded) was the Clinton bedroom right after Bill confessed to Hillary that he had been sleeping with Monica Lewinsky. So I’m taking the liberty of imagining what that scene must’ve been like.

INT. BEDROOM (WHITE HOUSE) – NIGHT (MID-SCENE)

BILL: Not that lamp! It was the one Lincoln used to read at night!

HILLARY THROWS THE LAMP. IT MISSES HIS HEAD BY INCHES AND CRASHES AGAINST THE WALL.

BILL: You know, they’re going to charge us for that! We’ve already lost our deposit.

HILLARY: How could you?! What the hell were you thinking?!

BILL: I’m sorry. I was under a lot of stress and just needed some female companionship.

HILLARY: Excuse me? And what am I?

BILL: Okay, that didn’t come out right. You’re a woman. A beautiful woman. A classy woman. A lady. The first lady.

HILLARY: Fuckin’ A!

BILL: But see, by definition, if there’s a “first” that must also mean there’s a second and third, otherwise the term would be meaningl….

HILLARY: Oh, don’t start that Slick Willie shit with me! You porked an intern!!

BILL: Well, I couldn’t sleep with anyone you know. How disrespectful would that be to you?

HILLARY: Oh, right. You had me in mind when you were screwing her.

BILL: No. Newt Gingrich actually.

HILLARY: I want a divorce.

BILL: No. Wait. You can’t do that. I love you. I don’t love Monica. She’s just a girl who satisfies base carnal urges and makes me latkas in December.

HILLARY: How can I face people? I just went on THE TODAY SHOW and stood up for you.

BILL: See, that’s the thing. I wake up in the morning, feel a little amorous, and you’re gone.

ANOTHER LAMP GOES WHIZZING BY HIS HEAD, CRASHING AGAINST THE WALL.

BILL: Okay. I might’ve deserved that. Even though that was a gift to Thomas Jefferson from several of his slaves.

HILLARY: Shut up!

BILL: Sorry. (beat, then calling out) Hey, I hope we’re not keeping you secret service guys awake!

TWO SECRET SERVICE MEN STICK THEIR HEADS IN.

BILL:  My wife just physically attacked me. 

HILLARY: Go away!

SECRET SERVICE MAN: Yes, ma’am.

THEY DUCK BACK OUT.

BILL: What the hell? 

HILLARY: (getting back to the subject) The impression people are going to have is that I don’t satisfy you sexually and that’s why you strayed. And judging by who you strayed with, they’re going to think I couldn’t turn on a sailor who’s been out to sea for twenty years.

BILL: That’s where you’re wrong. Husbands all over America are going to say, “Wow. She lets him have affairs. I wish I were married to her.” You’re a goddess!

HILLARY: So just what do I get for staying in this toxic relationship?

BILL: Jesus, you’re already running the country. What more do you want?

HILLARY: Well, yes. There is that.

BILL: And standing behind me, being the “Good Wife” – I bet there’s a TV series in that.

HILLARY: Don’t change the subject! (considering) Y’know, that’s not a bad idea.

BILL: I want shared creator credit.

ANOTHER LAMP GOES FLYING. THIS ONE HITS HIM.

BILL: Ow! Shit! Next time can we do this in the Rose Garden?

HILLARY: There’s not going to be a next time!

BILL: Right. Of course. No more.  I’ll make the calls.

HILLARY: And I’ve decided to run for senate.

BILL: Really? Have you decided which state?

HILLARY: New York, you idiot! We have a place there.

BILL: Right. Right. The next time you’re there, bring back some lamps.

HILLARY: I expect your full support in this. Campaigning for me, the whole nine yards.

BILL: Anything. Anything at all. I love you, Hillary.

HILLARY: That’s Senator Clinton to you.

BILL: I love you, Senator Clinton.

HILLARY: And I suppose I love you, President Clinton.

HE KISSES HER.

BILL: So...wanna fool around?

HILLARY: Maybe tomorrow.

FADE OUT.

30 comments:

Barry Traylor said...

At his worst he was better than the dolts that are running this year. Hell, if we impeached every one of our presidents that fooled around while in the White House the list would be as long as a giraffe's neck.
Thanks for my morning laughs Ken. Your blog is a must visit place for me daily.

Jason W. said...

After years of Raymond reruns I couldn't help assigning Patty Heaton's voice to Hilary. And Darrel Hammond's Clinton.

Hilarious.

Raj said...

It's amazing that Clinton goes to the brink of impeachment for one lie while Bush gets away scot-free for lying consistently and causing loss of innocent lives on a scale that is staggering.

Raj said...

Loved the crashing of lamps, btw. :)

roger said...

[quote]It's amazing that Clinton goes to the brink of impeachment for one lie while Bush gets away scot-free for lying consistently and causing loss of innocent lives on a scale that is staggering.[/quote]

I disagree and this isn't the place to preach shit.

Judith said...

A very different take on the PBS "balanced" account of Clinton's presidency and his many, many lies:

http://www.weeklystandard.com/articles/big-creep_630044.html

Jerry (a gov't teacher) said...

Let's get the story straight: BC was not impeached for having an affair - he was impeached for perjury and obstructing justice. BTW, this post was hilarious!

Charles H. Bryan said...

BILL: Okay, that didn’t come out right. You’re a woman. A beautiful woman. A classy woman. A lady. The first lady.

HILLARY: Fuckin’ A!

Solid freaking gold.

Jon J said...

I was not aware that Slick Willie and Monica ever "slept" together.

Charles H. Bryan said...

One of these days, I'd like to hear the following questions asked during a presidential debate to every candidate:

Seriously? You? OUT OF 300 MILLION PEOPLE? YOU? You woke up one morning and thought "I should be the Leader of the Free World"? YOU? Are you kidding?

I personally feel that political positions should be filled with random selection of driver's license numbers. Like jury duty.

Mike said...

I remember sometime after Clinton's impeachment, PBS aired a history show set sometime after the Revolution. In it they described that the Constitution was held up because Republicans insisted on a hard-charging impeachment clause. The partisanship they exhibited was too much. Somehow that passed by a slew of editors.

Wasn't the lamp throwing after Hillary heard about the Juanita Broaderick rape? The line of how Clinton told her he couldn't have kids probably rang true. There were stories at the time of how they were having trouble having a child.

D. McEwan said...

"roger said...
[quote]It's amazing that Clinton goes to the brink of impeachment for one lie while Bush gets away scot-free for lying consistently and causing loss of innocent lives on a scale that is staggering.[/quote]

I disagree and this isn't the place to preach shit."


Then why are you doing so? I completely agree with Raj. And there's the small matter that Clinton was elected - twice. Bush was appointed by The Supreme Court (Mostly appointed themselves by his daddy and by that slimeball Reagan) when they decided that counting votes was just to much effort, and threw out the results and appointed the loser of the election as the winner.

But Bush shouldn't have been impeached for lying so much as for his numerous violations of The Constitution, and using The Bill of Rights for toilet paper.

And what Bush STILL needs is to stand trial at The Hague for his war crimes, and then be legally hanged. It's better than he deserves, but it's also the reason he doesn't leave our borders anymore. He's terrified of being arrested the moment he steps off American soil and being forced to answer for his crimes. We should arrest him, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, and hand those three war criminals over to The Hague ourselves. That alone might restore some of the enormous amount of World Respect we lost while Bush was illegally occupying the White House.

When I shook hands with Bill Clinton during the 1992 campaign, I said to him: "Your absolute number one priority should be cleaning house at The Supreme Court and getting some liberals back on The Bench." If only he had done that, we would never have had the Bush Administration, and hundreds of thousands of people who died during Bush's reign would not be dead, and we would not be bankrupt.

George W. Bush: Worst President in History. You gotta hand it to him: being a worse president than Nixon took hard work, determination, and great stupidity.

Ken, thanks for the tip on the Clinton Doc. I had intended to skip it, as I felt I knew the Clinton story more than well enough, but you've made me want to watch it.

Johnny Walker said...

Maybe it's time I made another comment about Australians. Things seemed more harmonious back then.

Great script, Ken. Once again showing how much talent you have to apparently effortlessly throw something like this together. And reminding the rest of us that we aren't as good. (I swear, just a few more days and we'd have nailed that scene in the Sitcom Room.)

Actually scratch that, I'd have leapt out the window by then.

I always imagined the Hillary/Bill confrontation went like this:

BILL: Well, it's all out.

HILLARY: Yep.

BILL: So what should we do now?

HILLARY: I'd suggest you go back to your wing and let me get some sleep.

BILL: Right. See you a week Tuesday.

HILLARY: Goodnight.

Say what you want about Cigargate, at least it spawned an excellent show!

RCP said...

Judith said...
A very different take on the PBS "balanced" account of Clinton's presidency and his many, many lies:

Oh indeed. There's nothing like the "balanced" coverage provided by The Weekly Standard.

Thanks for the laughs, Ken.

John said...

Ken, I love your dialogue posts! My personal favorite is the Paula Abdul American Idol negotiations, but this one is fantastic as well.

Please don't ever stop doing these!

Cap'n Bob said...

Mike, how could the Republicans hold up the constitution "sometime after the Revolution" when there was no Republican partyback then?

I can't stand either Clinton. Or Bush. But to defend Clinton by saying Bush was worse is inane.

The scenario was great, though. You still got it, Ken.

Jim, Cheers Fan said...

Love Bill or hate him you’ve got to admit he’s a fascinating character.
Meh. He was the first President I voted for, and the one I like(d) the least of the four Dems I've voted for. I didn't and don't care about his sex-life or marriage. I found the lip-biting and pain-feeling and emoting tiresome. I don't love him or hate him, and I definitely don't find him fascinating. Interesting certainly, exasperating, sometimes likable, but in the end I think he thinks we Democrats owe him for his presidency, whereas this Dem thinks we saved his ass in spite of him. I just hope the OBama camp is ready for whatever passive-aggressive trouble Bubba creates out of his subconscious (I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) desire to remain the only Democrat re-elected since Roosevelt.

I did see a preview for this doc and from that little bit it looked like they gave a lot of airtime to Dick Morris. Were Karl Rove, Cliff Jackson and Linda Tripp not available for a fair-minded and unbiased view? I wouldn't trust that slimy little toad to recommend a restaurant.

D. McEwan said...

"Cap'n Bob said...
Mike, how could the Republicans hold up the constitution 'sometime after the Revolution' when there was no Republican partyback then?

I can't stand either Clinton. Or Bush. But to defend Clinton by saying Bush was worse is inane."


He's right. No 18th Century Republican Party. It came about in the mid-19th century.

Defending Clinton by saying Bush was worse is not inane; it depends on what you're comparing:

Clinton: Budget surplus.
Bush: Whole country bankrupted.

Clinton: No war.
Bush: War, war, war.

Clinton: Kept his religion to himself.
Bush: Out-and-out Theocrat; "faith-based initiatives."

Clinton: Elected by the American people.
Bush: Stole presidency with the help of a corrupt Supreme Court and family connections. Served illegitamtely. Should be in prison or hanged for war crimes.

Clinton: Well-read.
Bush: Never reads except his Bible.

Clinton: Knows the English language, great, inspiring orator.
Bush: Basicaly illiterate. Considers reading punishment, disdainful of "book larnin'." Yale degree purchased by Daddy while Sonny-Boy was out cheerleading, skipping classes, and snorting cocaine.

Clinton: highly intelligent.
Bush: Barely functional moron.

Clinton: Personal financial ethics highly questionable and shady.
Bush: All ethics non-existant.

Clinton: married to scary-but-brilliant woman.
Bush: Married to beautiful, vapid idiot.

Clinton: cheated on wife.
Bush: Did not cheat on wife, no matter how often Laura begged him to.

Clinton: I would vote for him to be president again in a heartbeat.
Bush: Worst President in American History.

MrEd said...

Since you brought up the subject of blowjobs and Hollywood (thanks), how prevalent is the casting couch in Hollywood? Or is it mostly urban legend?

Marty Fufkin said...

Ken, you're on to a good idea here ... You should write a movie based on Clinton/Lewinsky... as a comedy, a full-out farce (because, it really is). It would be like West Wing meets Woody Allen meets Primary Colors. Do it!

Pseudonym said...

Needless to say, this isn't how the scene was depicted in THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP.

Mike said...

>He's right. No 18th Century Republican Party. It came about in the mid-19th century.

Exactly. The partisans at PBS or whoever made the show just wanted to attack Republicans.
Clinton had some benefits, but when asked if he committed rape, he just referred the reporter to his lawyer.

D. McEwan said...

"Mike said...
>He's right. No 18th Century Republican Party. It came about in the mid-19th century.

Exactly. The partisans at PBS or whoever made the show just wanted to attack Republicans.
Clinton had some benefits, but when asked if he committed rape, he just referred the reporter to his lawyer."


Your half-assed, vague, near-memories of what you say you think you saw doesn't mean PBS or anyone else wsa out to "get" the asshole Republicans, though they certainly need "getting." Actually, they need getting rid of.

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Russell said...

A Friday question for you: To what extent do you write dialogue the way you want actors to speak it?

For example, here at one stage you have Hillary say "Fuckin' A" and at another point she says "Y'know."

If I look, for example, at the original script for "On The Waterfront" the famous "coulda been a contender" remark is actually written "could've been a contender." Assuming the internet versions of the script are correct, Brando said it differently to how it was written.

Bearing in mind that people in spoken English tend to say "'cause" and not "because" or "'em " as opposed to "them", for example, do you as a rule avoid writing phonetically, or do you always write phonetically, or is it a matter of individual style?

Kirk said...

Actually, there WAS a Republican Party in the final decade of the 18th century, but it had no relation to the current one. You may be surprised, though, to learn what modern party it IS related to. The first Republican party, in the beginning more a movement than a party, formed around Thomas Jefferson. A few years later it was known as the Republican-Democratic party (the Federalists were the opposition.) By the time Andrew Jackson was elected, it was simply called the Democratic Party, and that remains so today.

Matt Patton said...

Basically a good president, but not without flaws -- after the Oklahoma City bombing, he helped weaken the laws on wiretapping and warrantless searches -- it didn't help catch any terrorists, foreign or domestic, but it made it easier to push people around. He also weakened the appeals process in death-penalty cases. Once again, it did nothing to lessen crime, but made it that much more likely that an innocent schlub would land on the lethal-injection gurney. (It should be remembered that Clinton is the man that not only allowed, but made sure, that a mentally-disabled man was sent to the death house in ARkansas so that he could prove he was tough on crime.)

He wasn't alone, certainly. Tony Blair and his successor, Gordon Brown, were both surveillance-mad as well, and as a comedian noted a couple of years ago, all that those CCTV cameras blanketing the UK mean is that it's more likely your mugging will wind up on television . . .

On the economy, he was a lot better. He gave tax cuts and credits to the people who actually needed them -- the working poor and the people struggling to maintain their toe-hold in the middle class ("middle-class" is becoming a very dim concept these days . . .)

About the sex stuff, I have nothing to say. It ain't none of MY business

Chris said...

I was no fan of Bush, but D. McEwan, you lose all credibility when you start with the vicious personal attacks. "Barely functional moron"? The guy graduated from Harvard and Yale. Daddy may have gotten him in, but barely functional morons don't graduate from those schools, no matter who their parents are. "Married to beautiful, vapid idiot." Do you know Laura Bush? By all accounts, she is a lovely, intelligent person.

What a mean-spirited hateful person you are. Get some therapy.

D. McEwan said...

"Chris said...
I was no fan of Bush, but D. McEwan, you lose all credibility when you start with the vicious personal attacks. 'Barely functional moron'? The guy graduated from Harvard and Yale. Daddy may have gotten him in, but barely functional morons don't graduate from those schools, no matter who their parents are. 'Married to beautiful, vapid idiot.' Do you know Laura Bush? By all accounts, she is a lovely, intelligent person."


Daddy bought sonny boy's way in, and Daddy bought sonny boy's degrees. People who have earned their Yale degrees can speak the English langauge properly. I know high chool drop-outs who are more literate than Bush. I stand by "Barely Functional Moron," though I'm thinking of dropping the first two words.

As for Laura, I'll give her "lovely," but Intelligent? She married George W. Bush. No intelligent woman would, or COULD, do that. I stand by that as well.

Bush was vile; he raped the environment, allowed 9-11 (An event partially arranged by Daddy, who was, after all, a Bin-Laden Family business partner), waged wars ineffectually all over the world, made us a laughing stock and worse in the eyes of the entire world, destroyed America's credibility and respect worldwide, and bankrupted the nation just to further enrich his family and friends, just as he bankrupted every business he ever ran. He is vile. Every American should feel nothing but utter rage at the mention of his revoltng name. We should arrest him and deliver him (and his accomplices Cheney and Rumsfeld) to The World Court in The Hague to be tried as the war criminals they are, and then hanged as they deserve.

I also stand by my utter hatred of Bush.

You know, Chris, you lose all credibility when you defend George Bush, any George Bush, senior or junior.