The speech that launched our career

My writing partner and I were bouncing around trying to get freelance assignments early in our career. We were pitching and writing any show we could get. We got hired to write a back-up script for a pilot that didn’t go. We did two episodes of a series that was canceled in five weeks. But then we lucked out and got a MASH assignment. It was the episode where a gas heater blows up and Hawkeye is temporarily blind. I know: hilarity can't help but ensue!  As part o the episode, we wanted Hawkeye to convey what it was like for him to experience blindness. To better understand her predicament we consulted someone who worked with the blind. To simulate the experience she blindfolded us and had us try to walk up Beverly Glen Canyon with cars whizzing by.  I can't say how many times we were almost killed because I couldn't see the cars.  But judging by screeching brakes and horn blasts -- fifteen. 

The end result is we wrote Hawkeye a big speech. We didn’t know whether the producers even wanted a monologue. It wasn’t in the outline. But we felt (a) it was a good character moment, and (b) showed initiative on our part.

The only problem is: it took us FOREVER to write it. Literally three days. We just kept revising and revising, looking for better examples and imagery, trying to be heartfelt and touching without being maudlin and cliché’d, and if possible, work in a small laugh. At times it was too long. Other times it was too short. We just kept going around and around until we were finally happy. I remember saying to David, “How does Paddy Chayefsky bang these out like they were fortune cookies?” (I now say that about Aaron Sorkin.)

We turned in the script. Gene Reynolds, the showrunner, loved it – especially the speech. From then on he kept giving us assignments and that first script, as our new writing sample when our agent submitted us for things, was our golden ticket.

I do believe that speech was the turning point in our career. Please consider that when you’re writing your spec. Not saying you need to include a poignant monologue (especially if you’re writing a WHITNEY), but you do need to put in the effort, time, and diligence necessary to make your script just that much better than whatever else is out there. Wait. Let me amend that. Do everything necessary except blindfolding yourself and walking up Beverly Glenn. You’re not going to get a lot of job offers if you’re dead.  Even Chayesfksy's phone no longer rings. 

Here is that “speech”. It’s from the episode “Out of Sight/Out of Mind”, season five. Hawkeye has been rather manic and BJ tries to get him to settle down.

BJ: Listen. Why don’t you just settle down for five minutes? I know what you’re trying to do, and I know how you feel.


HAWKEYE: I don’t think so.

BJ: You don’t want to think about what might happen to you. So you keep running…


HAWKEYE: That’s not it. Look, when Dr. Overman walks in tomorrow and unwraps my pacage, I hope to God I’ll have my sight back. But in the meantime, something fascinating has happened to me.

BJ: How’s that, Hawk?


HAWKEYE: One part of the world closed down for me, but another part opened up. Sure, I’ve been seeing myself sitting on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers. But, I’m going through something here I didn’t expect. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to a rainstorm. I didn’t just hear it, I was part of it. I’ll bet you never realized that rain hitting the ground makes the same noise as steaks when they barbecue, or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you can’t believe how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. Had to be Burns. Beej, it’s full of trapdoors, but I think there may almost be some advantage to this. I’ve never spent a more conscious day in my life.