Monday, June 04, 2012
A CANDIDATE IS HAVING A SCOTCH. HIS CAMPAIGN ADVISER ENTERS.
ADVISER: I’ve prepared your speech for tonight's Religious Council Dinner.
CANDIDATE: Which God do I believe in for this one?
ADVISER: Still waiting on the polls, sir.
CANDIDATE: How religious are these nimrods?
ADVISER: Somewhere between tolerance-for-all and wearing sheets.
CANDIDATE: Fine. Just no kneeling or dunking anything.
ADVISER: Check. Singer Amy Grant will introduce you.
CANDIDATE: Oh. Then I will have something in common with this organization. We all want to fuck her.
ADVISER: Not according to Gallop. She trails Faith Hill by a wide margin. And Carrie Underwood – off the charts.
CANDIDATE: You and your polls. They’re all bullshit.
ADVISER: Sir, they’re accurate within a .05% margin of error. Except for audience testing on JOHN CARTER. Hard to believe Disney could miss that badly.
CANDIDATE: According to my non-scientific survey, no one in America watches television or movies anymore.
ADVISER: Sir, how can you say that?
CANDIDATE: Have you seen any of the shows that depict American politics?
ADVISER: No. I just watch DEADLIEST CATCH and GLEE.
CANDIDATE: They all portray us as back-stabbing, lying, low-life, buffoons.
ADVISER: Really? Then insiders must be consulting on those shows.
CANDIDATE: It’s staggering! On VEEP, the chick from SEINFELD plays the Vice-President and is completely brain-dead. Her staff is one Iago after another. Then there’s BOSS starring Frasier. Jesus, everyone on that show fucks over everyone else. It’s how I imagine the William Morris Agency to be. Or Shutter Island. And then that movie about Sarah Palin. According to that she was so fucking stupid she didn’t even know what countries fought in World War II.
ADVISER: Well, give them points for accuracy.
CANDIDATE: In all of these shows everyone swear like sailors. Including the fucking candidates. You watch the Sarah Palin movie, you’d think John McCain was in DEADWOOD. The general level of cynicism and distrust is overwhelming.
ADVISER: What about WEST WING?
CANDIDATE: A.) That was years ago, and B) that wasn’t about real politics. That was Candyland with people who talked fast. Today’s shows are way more realistic. And that’s why I believe no one watches television.
ADVISER: Because Americans would be so disheartened if they did?
CANDIDATE: No. Because I don’t understand how any reasonably intelligent person – and by that I mean one who knows that Nazis were the bad guys – could watch these shows and still buy into the bullshit we deliver to the public. How can anyone listen to our highly crafted speeches and believe we believe a single word of what we say? The photo ops are obviously so staged. I’m really going to get the Hispanic vote by eating a taco at some fucking fiesta? I’m honestly going to get more women voting for me because I wear the red tie over the yellow tie? It’s all so calculated, orchestrated, artificial and the worst part is – for the most part we still get away with it.
ADVISER: Well, BOSS is on Starz so no one sees that.
ADVISER: So what are you suggesting? That you drop the F-bomb at the Religious Council Meeting tonight? Say what you really believe? “Hi, I’m Jim Turner, I’m running for Governor, and I want to fuck Amy Grant!”?
CANDIDATE: You’re right, of course. I’d never win.
ADVISER: She has something like fifteen kids!
CANDIDATE: It’s just somewhat sad, don’tcha think? Here we are, supposedly the brightest, most informed people in the nation, and we only use those gifts to manipulate the public for our own personal gains.
ADVISER: Barry Manilow is gay?
CANDIDATE: (resigned): Get me the red tie.
By Ken Levine at 6:00 AM