Saturday, December 15, 2012

When not to take down your Xmas decorations

This is my friend Kevin’s house in the residential San Fernando Valley. He’s Jewish but loves to celebrate the colors and lights of the season. This tradition began (as most things do) because his girlfriend at the time really loved Christmas decorations.

There’s not another house on his block even remotely as elaborate. I bet you can see Kevin's house from space.

Now the question always arises, when do you take down your Christmas decorations? For most people the answer is usually after the first of the year. Certainly by Memorial Day.

But I guess if you take them down earlier you face dire consequences.

Last year Kevin made the mistake of striking his on December 26. This caused an absolute shitstorm with his neighbors. Their wrath knew no seasonal bounds. Kevin’s house was egged, he was left threatening notes, and people he didn’t even know called to scream at him.

But the coup de grace was this: His neighbor from across the street, who he never talks to and has no relationship with whatsoever, called him.

KEVIN: Hello.

TINA: Kevin, this is Tina from across the street. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

KEVIN: Excuse me?

TINA: Why did you take down your Christmas decorations? Are you INSANE?

KEVIN: Um, Christmas is over.

TINA: Yes, but I have a big New Year’s Eve party every year and one of the big attractions is that everybody likes to look at your decorations. And now you’ve RUINED MY PARTY!

I mean, how do you possibly respond to that other than sending invitations for their next New Year’s Eve bash to the Hells Angels?

Now to review: Out of the goodness of his heart (the girlfriend has long since moved on to David Petraeus or whomever) Kevin puts up the decorations on his own time and at his own expense.

And this is how he’s rewarded.

31 comments:

jcs said...

Is Tina a network exec or why is she so completely unreasonable?

Mike said...

By strange coincidence, the most decorated house near me is the Chapter House of the local Hell's Angels. It's painted bright yellow.

JH said...

No good deed goes unpunished

404 said...

I'm curious--how DID he respond to that?

Next year, he needs to not put anything up. Except maybe one, small reindeer or something. Just to let everyone else know he didn't forget, but they can go screw themselves.

Or make it "pay-per-view." Put in a quarter and you get 30 seconds of lights extravaganza. But then it goes dark and you have to pay again.

Rudy said...

Maybe this is the wrong morning for the punchline to be shooting at them?

Alan C said...

First of all, Tina needs to switch to decaf and have some eggnog with a generous splash of rum to calm her down. In the future, though, I might suggest waiting at least until New Year's, or possibly until the Twelfth Day of Christmas, AKA January 5th, to take down decorations.

Mac said...

Kevin should really consider Tina's dilemma and put up a huge elaborate light display in which - on New Year's Eve - all the lights go out except selected ones which are arranged to form the image of a giant penis.

Barbara C. said...

As Kevin alluded, Christmas actually doesn't BEGIN until December 25th (the first day of Christmas). At minimum it lasts until the Feast of Epiphany (January 5th). I know that most people are clueless about this, even many Catholics who SHOULD know.

But if "Tina" loves Christmas decorations so much her lazy butt can put her own up.

Jen said...

People suck.

charlotte said...

Funny how Tina has never invited Kevin to her New Year's Eve party, the success of which his own annual efforts have apparently always been so pivotal...

James said...

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Here in status symbol land
Mothers complain about how hard life is
And the kids just don't understand
- Goffin & King

Pamela Jaye said...

pay per view sounds good to me

It's All Bullshit said...

The Feast of Epiphany isn't the 5th by anybody's calendar:

Eastern Churches following the Julian Calendar observe the Theophany feast on what for most countries is January 19[5] because of the 13-day difference today between that calendar and the generally used Gregorian calendar.[6]

Since 1970, the date of the celebration by Latin Rite Roman Catholics is fixed as January 6 only in countries where the feast is a Holy Day of Obligation, while in other countries it falls on the Sunday after January 1. In the Church of England also, the feast may be celebrated on the Sunday between January 2 and 8 inclusive.

A separate celebration of the Baptism of the Lord was introduced for Latin Rite Roman Catholics in 1955.[7] Initially, this was to be held on January 13, previously the octave day of the Epiphany, but in the 1969 revision of the General Roman Calendar the date was changed to the first Sunday after January 6.[8] In countries where in a particular year the Epiphany falls on January 7 or 8, the feast of the Baptism of the Lord is celebrated on the following Monday. In the Church of England, the same custom may be followed. In the Episcopal Church in the United States, the feast of the Baptism of the Lord is always the Sunday after January 6.
____

Oh. And Tina can pound sand until she puts a little in the kitty for the light bill.

Ftheyre said...

People suck, yes, but does Tina?

K.W. Leslie said...

So much for "peace on earth, goodwill to men."

cshel said...

Tina has every right to be upset. Kevin needs to get with the program. I think it is considered a moral obligation for every American, who bothers to put up Christmas lights and decorations in the first place, to leave them up until at least January 2nd, no matter what their religious or political persuasion. And if they are going by the traditional Red-neckian calendar, and leave them up until the 5th of July, that's okay, too.

Tom Quigley said...

I'll offer to come over to Kevin's house and help him rearrange the lights to spell out "PARTY'S AT TINA THE SKANK'S HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET"...

Mike Barer said...

Needless to say, he was not invited to said party!

Mary Stella said...

As a friend reminded me recently, "Everybody is the producer of their own drama and if they try to cast you as the villain, you don't have to take the role."

The neighbors' reactions say a lot about them, particularly Tina. If the lack of decorations at Kevin's house ruins Tina's party, Tina's party doesn't have much going for it.

Invitee #1: (groaning) We're invited to Tina's New Year's Eve party again.

Invitee #1's boyfriend: Shit. Do we have to go? Her food's always lousy. The house is decorated like a cross between a bordello and Boogie Nights. She makes everybody play those dumbass games and she ran out of beer. Do we have to go?

Invitee #1: We need to at least make an appearance or I'll have to hear for the next decade about how we betrayed her and ruined her life by not showing up.

Invitee's boyfriend: Well at least the house across the street has those awesome decorations.

D. McEwan said...

It's beginning to look TOO MUCH like Christmas,
Everywhere you go.
Thanksgiving was yesterday,
And now the streets look so gay,
Your eyes will blur,
And you'll get vertigo.

It's beginning to look TOO MUCH like Christmas.
Gets worse after dark.
I really do hate to grouse,
But, my god, my neighbor's house,
Looks like Disney's park.

Horrible tinsel and way too much chintz'll,
Make everyone wish they were dead.
By far the worst folly,
Is trees looking jolly,
When all of their leaves have been shed.
And I will grant, a-
nother Santa,
Fills me up with dread!

It's beginning to look TOO MUCH like Christmas.
Please gouge out my eyes.
You'll soon see a Yule log,
Blazing at the synagogue.
An elf robot?
My brain lobotomize!

It's beginning to look TOO MUCH like Christmas,
Soon my brain will split.
I hate to sound so gruff,
But I've already had enough,
Of this Yule Bullshit.


(I'm not what you'd call a Christmassy perseon.)

Jeffro said...

"It's All Bullshit"... You got that right!

Rich D said...

If Tina isn't isn't helping with the electricity bill, she doesn't get a vote.

Paul Duca said...

I watche a TV show where one of the SIMPSONS writers show off his lavishly decorated yard.

Boswell said...

Funny, if my neighbour put up that many Xmas lights every year I'd be more likely to send an anonymous telegram asking him to grow up & stop overusing electricity.I'm finding this stuff pretty garish nowadays

SkippyMom said...

The head. It spins. I cannot even imagine having a neighbor like that! 'Tis the season I suppose.

My two favorite suggestions for next year are 404's of putting up just one small decoration. A little reindeer perhaps, as he said, so it shows he didn't forget, but that he isn't rewarding their boorish behavior.

And since I sometimes have the mind of a 13 year old boy - the lights in a shape of a penis is a good back up. Especially if you could make it all it red lights and somehow make it blink to go from flaccid to erect.

What? Too much?

Barbara C. said...

You're right, It's All Bullshit, I brain glitched on the Epiphany date...can I blame sleep deprivation as a practicing Catholic with five kids 10 and under? ;-)

YEKIMI said...

I REFUSE to put up Christmas lights! It's just a scheme by the electric companies to jack up their profits at YOUR expense. My new neighbor put up an elaborate display and kicked it off December 1st by turning it on when it got dark and off at midnight everyday till December 31st. When he got his electric bill in January his bill had quadrupled and he thought he was going to have to rob Warren Buffet to pay the bill. The next year it was just a moving reindeer statue with glowing eyes and even then he put such low wattage bulbs in to the point it looked like Rudolph had glaucoma. Now he puts up more lights cause his wife says it doesn't feel "Christmasy" without them but only leaves them on a couple of hours at most.

Alan C said...

Christmas is all a racket run by a big Eastern syndicate (to quote Lucy van Pelt).

iain said...

This year, he should put up 1 bulb.

Or arrange the lights in the shape of a blinking middle finger.

Mike said...

In New Orleans, it's legal to flip the bird with Xmas lights.

james2bronco said...

JJD said... In regards to the "lady" named Tina ."a mind is a terrible thing to waste" and "she should have completed the eighth grade", at an early age Tina knew sex could get her married and living in a neighborhood like Kevins. Now all she has are the drugs and alchohal and planning the next New Years party. One worthless carbon element walking upright. Her only claim to fame was while horizontal.