My review of the Golden Globes

Wow. Did Steven Spielberg not tip well? Why else would the Hollywood Foreign Press (i.e. waiters at the Palm) deny him useless trophies for a movie that’s not just important, it has the Amblin logo. Imagine a contest where God Almighty loses to Ben Affleck. Blasphemy!

But that’s the Golden Globes, where anything can happen and usually does because there are only like sixteen people eligible to vote. If Rick Santorum can win the Louisiana primary, Don Cheadle can beat Louis C.K. for Best Actor in a TV Comedy.

Of course, how much credibility can an organization have when its spinster president calls out to Bradley Cooper from the stage, “Call me maybe!” Or when Best TV Comedy is presented by Jay Leno?

And yet, I am once again reviewing the Golden Globes even though taking them seriously is like taking TV wrestling seriously. Helping me this year is my lovely biting daughter, Annie and her warped writing partner, Jon. Let the snarks fly!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were the best women hosts of the Golden Globes since Eydie Gorme. Their opening monologue had some great jokes, the best being Amy saying to ZERO DARK THIRTY director, Kathryn Bigelow “When it comes to torture I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

The no-bra look was in. Lots of real golden globes on display this year. Amy Poehler pulled it off. So did Katherine McPhee and Eva Longoria, but Jessica Chastain did not. She looked like gift-wrapping that had become loose.

This was a big night for Adele. As Jon noted, it was her first Golden Globe and the first song she ever wrote that wasn’t about a breakup.

Taylor Swift looked pissed that Adele won. But when you think that CMA awards and ACM awards are meaningful I guess you think Golden Globes are too.

That set looked like the lobby of the old Dunes Hotel in Vegas. All that was missing was Sammy Davis Jr. being told he had to leave.

Two of the Best Drama nominees – ARGO and DJANGO UNCHAINED – were funnier than any of the Best Comedy nominees.

Annie noted that the clips from LES MISERABLES just showed people running. But that makes sense. Other than Anne Hathaway they can’t show anybody singing.

The teleprompter malfunctioned while Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd were presenting. And they covered beautifully. Both just stood there frozen. You realize if it weren’t for writers, the whole three-hour show would be that? Most actors can only ad lib “me” or “journey.”

Case in point: In Kevin Costner’s acceptance speech he wanted to say how this ceremony helped “illuminate” movies that the public hasn’t seen and instead he said “eliminate.”

Wearing clothes is sometimes better than being nude. And I’m not just talking about Lena Dunham. For example: Kerry Washington looked so much sexier in that slinky gown than she did naked in a pit in DJANGO UNCHAINED.

On the other hand, J-Lo looked smashing in her dress made entirely of doilies stitched together by some Brownie troop.

Nicole Kidman must really be furious. Lena Dunham wins two awards for taking her clothes off while she pisses on a guy and doesn’t win even one.

Annie thought she bought her dress at Hot Topic.

Line of the night was Tina Fey after Lena’s somewhat patronizing acceptance speech. “I’m glad that we got you through middle school.”

And in the future, please put Lena at a table closer to the stage. Watching her clomp up the aisle was like seeing Bugsy Malone shot in the back trying to make it out to the street.

Even though it means nothing, I was glad ARGO won. Jon figured the pro-slavery DJANGO voters cancelled the anti-slavery LINCOLN voters.

Or Spielberg used a Group-on for his $55 lobster at the Palm and only tipped on the reduced amount.

MAD MEN wasn’t even nominated for Best TV Drama. That’s what they get for killing off the English guy.

Not only did NBC, the televising network, not win a single award, none of the four broadcast networks did.

There’s only one screenplay award. They don’t distinguish between original and adaptations. But as Jon said, “What do you want? They have Sofia Vergara and Maggie Smith in the same category.”

If the HFPA really wanted to make noise they would have let Mel Gibson be a presenter. I mean, there he was – in a room filled with alcohol and Jews.

I liked Anne Hathaway’s short hair. She looked like a young lucid Liza Minnelli.

There was no question she was going to win. As Annie said, “She had the ugly thing, the prostitute thing, the dirty thing, the chopped off hair thing, the lost weight thing, the can-sing thing, the crying thing, and the dying thing.” All Nicole Kidman had was the “urinating thing.”

Something I have in common with ARGO producer and speech-giver, Grant Heslov: We both acted together in an episode of THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES in 1990. And yet, he didn’t thank me.

No one missed Ricky Gervais.

They have a Best Foreign Film category. Considering who the voters are, shouldn’t any movie made in America be considered a foreign film?

Jennifer Lawrence (who looked gorgeous in her coral gown) had the two best acceptance speech lines: “I beat Meryl!” And to Harvey Weinstein: “Harvey, thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.” I look forward to her Oscar speech.

If their titles were THE BEST EXOTIC MIAMI HOTEL and SALMON FISHING IN SEATTLE would either of those pictures get any nominations?

I can’t imagine there were many Republicans watching after forty-five minutes. First Julianne Moore wins for playing Sarah Palin and then Bill Clinton shows up.

Great line by Amy Poehler: “What a special guest. That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!”

Annie was hoping Clinton would co-present with Clint Eastwood.

And instead of introducing LINCOLN, Annie wanted him to present the award for Best Animated Film.

She also thought a good pairing would be Sofia Vergara and Salma Hayek. Dueling ‘Eye yie yies!”

Both Sofia and Salma looked spectacular, as did Megan Fox, Halle Berry, Lea Michele (now darker than Halle Berry), Jessica (is she still in the business?) Alba, Julia Roberts, and pretty much everyone other than Lucy Lui. What was with that print gown? Annie said, “Isn’t that bubby’s tablecloth?”

What was with that handlebar mustache Bill Murray was sporting? Now that’s played Franklin Roosevelt is he looking to do Teddy?

Typical Will Ferrell bit. Hilarious for the first thirty seconds, tedious for the next eleven minutes.

Aziz Ansari was bombed and DID bomb. Don’t drink and present.

Jodie Foster was also smashed. Her acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille award (given to any actor whose heard of Cecil B. DeMille) was eloquently incoherent.  But honest and touching.

Scariest moment of the night was watching Sylvester Stallone’s face melt.

Personally, I thought this was their most entertaining Golden Globes ceremony in years. Good luck to Seth MacFarlane trying to top Amy & Tina. Overheard at the valet stand as Steven Spielberg climbed into the limo with Tony Kushner: “Goddamnit, Tony! I told you. Lincoln should free the hostages, not the slaves!”

See ya at the Oscars!

photos via L.A. Times