Here’s my annual St. Patrick’s Day post. This is a scene from a CHEERS David Isaacs and I wrote. One of the many Bar Wars episodes. In this one, it’s St. Paddy’s Day. Woody had been guarding the bar all night in anticipation that Gary might try to pull something.
INT. BAR – MORNING
SAM TURNS ON THE LIGHT. HE ENTERS WITH CARLA AND NORM. WE SEE THE
BAR IS ENCASED IN CINDER BLOCKS. SPRAY PAINTED ON THEM ARE “HAPPY ST.
Oh my God. Gary.
He topped it.
Walled off from the keg. I want him dead. His family… dead. His friends… dead. His pets…DEAD.
That rat! I’ll kill him!
I thought you were going to have Woody stand guard so this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.
I’m sorry, Sam. I fell asleep.
They bricked Woody up inside the bar.
First he marries a rich girl and now this. I tell you, that guy was born lucky.
NORM EXITS TO THE POOL ROOM.
Boy, Sam. This thing is sealed up tight.
How you doing in there, Woody? You okay?
I’m feeling a little light headed.
Thank God, he’s okay.
NORM ENTERS FROM THE POOL ROOM OPENING A CAN OF BEER.
Hey, Norm, where’d you get that beer?
I’ve got a couple cans squirreled around the bar for emergencies. I
always thought it would be a nuclear thing, but this qualifies.
AN IRISH BAND ENTERS. THEY’RE ALL WEARING CABLE-KNIT SWEATERS. ONE OF THEM IS NAMED SEAN.
Where do you want us to set up, Mr. Malone?
How about right there? (POINTS UPSTAGE; THEN, TO THE GANG) See, guys?
We can still win this thing. The band’s here, we’ve got the green
beer… all we need to do is take down this wall and hustle like there’s
no tomorrow. Okay? Now I want to see a winning attitude here. A
THE BAND BEGINS TO SING AND PLAY A SLOW IRISH BALLAD:
(singing) “They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my dad with logs.”
THEY BREAK INTO A QUICK UP BEAT IRISH JIG FOR A BEAT, THEN RESUME THE LYRICS:
(singing) “Along the ring of Kerry you can hear the bleat of gulls,
I’ll sip the blood of the English from their bleached and hollowed
skulls.” (TO THE BAR) Everybody!!
Boy, if they look as good as they sound, Gary’s doesn’t stand a chance.
INT. BAR – LATER
ENOUGH OF THE CINDER BLOCKS HAVE BEEN CHIPPED AWAY TO RENDER THE BAR
FUNCTIONAL. WOODY IS BEHIND THE BAR. THE BAND IS STILL PLAYING.
(finishing a dirge) “…And everywhere I looked was death, death, death.”
A SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE.
And now for a sad song. (STRUMS A CHORD, SINGS) “Twas a baby’s crib…”
(interrupting) That’s it! You’re finished. Here’s your money. Get out.
Go to hell.
THE BAND EXITS.
Well, it’s over. I guess we should add up the receipts and see how we did.
What’s the total, Woody?
(figuring on a calculator) One million five hundred thousand dollars.
Decimal point, Woody.
Hold everything. A hundred and fifty even.
Drink carefully and don't drive. Happy St. Patrick's Day!