Monday, September 09, 2013

If I were on SHARK TANK

In honor of SHARK TANK week on ABC, here's how I envision the segment if I were on...
"SHARK TANK, where amateur entrepreneurs pitch their projects to millionaire sharks who will invest their own money if they like the idea. Who are the sharks?"

Robert Herjavec – son of an immigrant who looks good on television and already dyes his hair.

Kevin O'Leary – Known as “Mr. Wonderful.” Simon Cowell-villain who has savvy, greed, and if he we were Jewish anti-Semitism would skyrocket in this country.

Daymond John – Fashion mogul who never has an original thought.

Mark Cuban -- (Dallas) Maverick billionaire eccentric who plays the boyish card although the years are closing in.

Lori Greiner – QVC funder/MILF who is attractive and well-coiffed but in danger of looking like Jamie McCourt.
The sharks sit in large overstuffed chairs in a set filled with aquariums. The entrepreneur enters. He is a schleppy guy who could not look more geeky and out-of-his-element. He stands before them.

DAYMOND: I’m out.

MARK: You haven’t even heard him yet.

DAYMOND: I sell wool hats with their tops cut off and tied with string. I don’t have any real money. I look good and I don’t scare people like Spike Lee.

ROBERT (to schlepper): Please. Go on.

SCHLEPPER (reciting a spiel he’s obviously rehearsed but not enough): Hi, Sharks! My name is Ken Levine and I’ve solved the problem of men watching late night ads on TV but not picking up the phone to buy. This is an idea I had one night while channel surfing. I see all these ads for record offers or juice blenders and I think “I just got paid so I have all this money. And the rent isn’t due for eight hours so I have to spend it somewhere. But what to buy? I don’t want the greatest 100 novelty songs of the ‘70s or blueberry smoothies I can eat for breakfast instead of last night’s leftover Hamburger Helper. What to do? What to do? And then it hit me, what do I want? What do all men want? So Sharks, I have created the Nympho-mercial. These are girls who will have sex with you and here’s the best part – since they’re nymphomaniacs and want to have sex anyway, I don’t have to pay them. I’m looking for $300,000 for 5% of my company.

DAYMOND: Do you have any samples?

LORI: Daymond, you’re out already.

DAYMOND; I might get back in.

KEN: Yes, I do have samples.

Four slutty girls and one Chippendale dancer enter.

KEN: This is Minx, Clitoria, Sarah-Jessica, Tammi, and Derek.

DAYMOND; I’ll take Derek.

MR. WONDERFUL: Then you’re really out.

KEN: Uh, I think Derek is for Lori.

LORI: Yeah.

The guests climb into the Sharks’ laps. Minx runs her fingers through Robert’s hair.

MINX: My dad uses this color.

As they guests begin to kiss and fondle the Sharks we:

Moments later we return.  The "samples" are gone.  The Sharks are now more relaxed, their wardrobe askew… except for Daymond who obviously was unmoved.

ROBERT: Do you have any patents pending?

KEN: On what? They’re prostitutes.

MR. WONDERFUL: What’s to prevent me from calling all the girls I’ve gone to and putting together a competing business?

KEN: These are attractive prostitutes.

DAYMOND: Do these prostitutes need hats?

MARK: What’s your business model, Ken?

KEN: Well, I haven’t gotten the capital to actually go on television yet, which is why I need you guys, so – after expenses – I've made a little over four hundred dollars.

MR. WONDERFUL: Yet, you value the company at $6,000,000?

LORI: Can I get Derek and Clitoria?

KEN: There’s a big difference between being on national television and stopping people outside of Pep Boys.

ROBERT: Look, I love prostitutes, and I like you. I think you’ve got a great idea here  and the fact that you don’t have to pay the girls is genius. I could easily see this taking off in a big way. And for that reason, I’m out.

KEN: Huh? I thought you liked it.


KEN: Then why are you out?

ROBERT: Because I’m always out. But if I were ever going to go in, this is the one I would go in on. But I’m not. Unless someone wants to go in on it with me?

MARK: Talk to me.

ROBERT: You put in $295,000 and I’ll cover the rest.

LORI: I really need to see Derek again before I decide. Where is that juicy slap of beef?

MARK: Hmm, Robert, that’s interesting. Let me think about it a second.

ROBERT: Then forget it. I’m out.

DAYMOND: Ken, are you in any big box stores?

KEN: What do you mean? Like Costco? Why would I be in Costco. These are whores you order over the telephone.

DAYMOND: So no plans to be in Best Buy?  I'm doubly out.

LORI: Is anyone else hot in here?

MR. WONDERFUL: Look, there’s a story about two badgers and one has hidden a lot of acorns inside a hollow tree while the other ate his acorns as he went along. You, my friend, are the acorn, I’m the first badger, and in another day there will be snow.

KEN: Huh? What the hell does that have to do with anything?

MR. WONDERFUL; The point is, you’re providing a service industry in a media-driven environment.

KEN: So what does that have to do with badgers? And what does that even mean?

MARK: Okay, let me make this simple for you. I get what you’re doing, Ken. What I think we could do is build the business and then sell it to a major conglomerate like Time-Warner or the Catholic Church.

MR. WONDERFUL: Now you’re the first badger.

MARK: Shut up.

LORI: Does anyone mind if I take off my top? I’m wearing a sports bra.

She peels off her blouse.

MARK: So I’m willing to give you the $300,000 for 5% of your company – what you asked for – but you have to give me freebies for all my Mavericks season-ticket holders.

KEN: Gee, that sounds great. Half of my girls are Mavericks’ cheerleaders anyway.

LORI: Derek, I’ll give you 10% of QVC. Where is he?

DAYMOND: I’ll give you hats, Derek. Many many hats.

MR. WONDERFUL: Wait a minute, Kenny. You haven’t heard my offer.

KEN: Okay?

LORI: Look how tan my belly is.

MR. WONDERFUL: If you take Mark’s deal you’re an idiot. You might as well take your acorns and set them on fire.

KEN: So what’s your deal?

ROBERT: I’m out.

MARK: We know that.

ROBERT: I just want to participate.

MR. WONDERFUL: Ken, my boy… I’ll give you the $300,000 but I want 90% of the company and I need to recoup my money so I get ten dollars for every transaction and we run the operation out of my rumpus room.

ROBERT: Okay. Mr. Wonderful’s deal I can go for. I’m in for $5,000.

KEN: You’ve gotta be kidding me?

ROBERT: Okay. I’m out.

KEN: (to Mr. Wonderful): Why would anyone take that deal?

MR. WONDERFUL: You see the nimrods we get on this show? Squirrel tasers. Soup bricks. Camouflage wedding attire. Plenty of people with real good ideas can’t get on because these dimwits are more entertaining. So I offer these deals because I can and they take them and are thrilled.

KEN: Fine. Mr. Wonderful, you’ve got a deal.


EVERYONE: What?! Huh? Are you (bleeping) kidding me?

Mr. Wonderful comes up and hugs Ken. Lori comes up and hugs Ken.

KEN: I want the check right now.

MR. WONDERFUL: Gladly.  Before you change your mind.

He whips out his checkbook, writes Ken a check and Ken exits. Once he’s out of earshot.

ROBERT: Wow. Never saw that coming.

DAYMOND: You say that every week.

ROBERT: Yeah, but this time I mean it.

MR. WONDERFUL: What a sucker!

MARK: You realize, no station will air something called a Nympho-mercial?


DAYMOND: And prostitution is illegal in this country.

MR. WONDERFUL: Oh shit!  You played me!

MARK:  Yeah.  I kinda did.

ROBERT:  So I was right to be out for once?

MARK (to Mr. Wonderful): And you just gave him $300,000.


Mr. Wonderful runs out the room yelling for Ken.



bmcmolo said...

You captured Mr. Wonderful really well! That was hilarious. My wife and I watch this all the time.

(Long time reader, first time commenter. It amuses me that this is what gets me to break the commenting ice...)

Rory W. said...

Brilliant. This is why you should still be writing for television.

Wait, this is why you're too good to be writing for television.

RockGolf said...

Fortunately, Mr Wonderful is Canadian, and strictly speaking, prostitution is not illegal in Canada. Soliciation is, but the act isn't.

Great Big Radio Guy said...

If Barbara was there instead of Lori, you would've been toast. (And how great WAS the squirrel taser? I would have been so in for that.)

Pete Grossman said...

"Do these prostitutes need hats?" Perfect!

LouOCNY said...

Totally off topic Ken, but have ever seen this pic of Natalie?

Charles H. Bryan said...

"My dad uses this color." Oh my God, I love that line. I love the sheer out-of-left-field no-setup-needed matter-of-factness about it.

RCP said...

Laughed all the way through this.

Dbenson said...

You almost stumbled onto a popular business model of a few years ago, when late night was full of infomercials for hotlines implying (but never quite promising) heavy-breathing porn stars were luxuriating in slutwear, waiting to give their home addresses to the first schlub who called in the middle of the night. "Local singles are waiting to talk to YOU!"

Essentially a psychic hotline, except you don't get s.....d.

Cheers had Woody watching one of those hot-local-singles ads while closing up the bar. He picks up the phone and dials. A take.

"Is that you, Mr. Claven?"

b said...

Shouldn't the name have been "Schnorrer"?

P.S. I finally finished watching Glickman (my "On Demand" died the first time). It's everything you said and more. Marty himself had the best line in it when he went back to the Olympic Stadium in Berlin. I won't repeat it so as not to spoil it, but it made me laugh so hard I stopped crying.

Anonymous said...

If this actually was what Shark Tank was like, then I'd be the most loyal follower.

Eric J said...

Had no idea what Shark Tank was. I like your stuff so thought I'd check it out on youtube. The main difference is that your version seemed more spontaneous.

But, Jesus, Ken, that was like writing Trump hair jokes for someone of your abilities. Why would you even bother?

chuckcd said...

Your version I would watch.
The real one? Not so much.

Ariel Letts said...

That was fantastic! I love shark tank and you perfectly captured everything that drives me crazy about that show. You should be in show business... :)

Allison Williams said...

My partner and I were on Dragon's Den, the Canadian version of the show. Kevin is about six times more frightening in person than he is on TV!

We were able to close a deal, and pass due diligence after the show, but it was one of the most grueling 55 minutes of my life. Kevin more or less continuously yelled until I cried (I held out for 45 minutes, which in the final episode is the 2 minute mark of our segment).

The clip of me crying became not only part of the trailer for the show, but for the network season trailer!

I still have people come up to me on the street, and that was in 2009!

(this is what we made with the money:

Dale said...

Shark week in Australia is completely different.