The 2013 Emmy Awards: My review

Someone told the Emmy producers that the “In Memoriam” segment always got a ratings spike. So this year they presented the most maudlin award show ever. It was one long funeral interspersed with production numbers. In addition to the normal obit montage there were individual tributes, musical tributes, presidential tributes, and we even got to see Lee Harvey Oswald shot again. Why not just hold the festivities at Arlington National Cemetery?

Neil Patrick Harris was the host so there were high expectations based on his previous hosting triumphs. What a letdown. Instead of coming out and blowing everyone away with a spectacular musical number (like he does on the Tonys), he did a tepid filmed bit about binge-watching (I thought we were back in the hatch on LOST), then a monologue that scored as often as the Houston Astros (Paula Deen jokes? Really?), and finally a lame bit where former Emmy hosts offered advice. In keeping with the theme of the evening, the opening died.

Still, in fairness, he did the best with what he was given. And throughout the night he did have a couple of good quips. I’d just make him the permanent host and move on.

But before we get to the show itself, no major award ceremony would be complete without a look-in at the KTLA Channel 5 Red Carpet coverage with Hollywood Fawn Correspondent Sam Rubin and his booblehead doll, Jessica Holmes. They were in rare form this year! They interviewed all the big stars, like six-year-old Aubrey Anderson-Emmons who plays Lily on MODERN FAMILY. Sam asked what was in her purse? Later, Sam asked fourteen-year-old Nolan Gould, who plays Luke on the show: “Do you think the grown-ups are going to be excited about this?”

Jessica asked Matt LaBlanc why he thought he’s lost so many Emmys?

Sam to Jeff Daniels, who plays an anchor on THE NEWSROOM: “Would you ever want to be the big anchor?” to which Daniels replied: “First of all, I’m fictional.”

Jessica to Linda Cardellini: “Did anyone famous step on your train?”

But the best was Sam with Kunal Nayyar. Kunal had been wearing Google Glass and said it will take a picture of what you see. Sam then asked: “Can it capture your thoughts?” I swear, I'm not making this up.

Once they started handing out the actual hardware, the show became the Cable Ace Awards. Or, this year – the Liber-ace Awards.

I was thrilled that BEHIND THE CANDLEABRA got best TV movie. Same with Michael Douglas winning Best Actor. Weren’t you curious as to who his date was going to be? His ‘two-hander” remark was a highlight or lowlight of the evening depending upon which state you're in.

For Best Comedy the choices were shows that used to be better vs. shows you wish were better. But I was glad that MODERN FAMILY won although when Steve Levitan, the most handsome writer in the history of the WGA and one of the most charming people you’ll ever meet says he’s a ‘loser” I have to go, “Huh????” If he's a loser then the rest of us are serving life sentences in Papillon. 

BREAKING BAD was also a very worthy choice. HOUSE OF CARDS might have won if it had actually been on TV. Of course, no fan of BREAKING BAD saw them win since they were watching BREAKING BAD instead.

There were a few surprises but none bigger than Jeff Daniels winning Best Actor in a Drama over Kevin Spacey, Bryan Cranston, Jon Hamm, and some other guys. Note to him and a lot of actors last night: ease up on the spray tan. There’s something wrong when Jeff Daniels is darker than Mindy Kaling.

And what’s with the beard, Jon Hamm? Have you joined the Boston Red Sox?

Didn’t expect Merritt Wever to win but cheered when she did. Neil Patrick Harris was right. Best speech ever. Here’s what she said: “I gotta go. Bye.”

Connie Britton looked like she was wearing the showroom curtain from Caesar’s Palace.

Bob Newhart’s Emmy win was only 51 years overdue. I loved the spontaneous standing ovation he received. It was so nice to see someone saluted who was still alive.

So Rob Reiner does a heartfelt tribute to Jean Stapleton and then they cut to dufus Shermar Moore backstage saying they’ve got “a party goin’ on!” Nice segue. At least they didn’t have anyone twerking while Reiner spoke.

Elton John, who has nothing to do with television, did a tribute to Liberace. I forget the title. “Candelabra in the Wind” I think. He was wearing a sparkly blue jumpsuit and I was worried there would be a fashion faux pas and Jane Lynch would be wearing the same outfit. Fortunately, she wore her Ming the Magnificent pantsuit instead.

Here’s how important the Emmys are to Hollywood: In the LA Times entertainment section yesterday, Emmy coverage began on page 9. Page 6 featured a big article on Wong Kar Wai.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a comedy goddess. And I loved Tony Hale standing right behind her as he does on VEEP. His win was a nice surprise. (Was it a make-good for ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT?)

I’m surprised DOWNTON ABBEY didn’t win more awards since they killed off half their cast this year.

Betty White and Ryan Seacrest competed in the same category and it wasn’t “Most hours on television over a lifetime.” Ryan would have won that award.

Which brings me to that painful mock public service announcement for “excessive hosting disorder” featuring the cast of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER and twelve bad dick jokes. I couldn’t wait for the next eulogy segment.

And when Neil Patrick Harris finally did do a production number in the middle of the show it looked like a bad version of that Sam Horowitz Bar Mitzvah video that went viral on YouTube.

The WHITNEY Emmy screener makes a really nifty coaster.

Funniest moment was Tina Fey and Amy Poehler crawling onto the stage. Second funniest: the Oscar Meyer luncheon meat commercial.

CBS took this opportunity to trot out as many of their “stars” as possible as presenters, which explains why many Time-Warner cable subscribers didn’t know who they were.

Morena Baccarin still looked gorgeous even though she’s fifteen months pregnant.

And for downright stunning, I’ve got to acknowledge Kerry Washington, Robin Wright, Cobie Smulders, Sofia Vergara, Zooey Deschanel, her sister, Tina Fey, Anna Gunn, and Kate Mara who gets extra points for the side boobs (to see the rest go to Netflix).

THE VOICE beat perennial winner THE AMAZING RACE for best Reality Competition Series. People would rather watch Adam Levine than couples fighting drug mules for the last two seats on a flight out of Colombia.

And finally, finally! THE COLBERT REPORT knocked off THE DAILY SHOW. That’ll teach Jon Stewart to take the summer off.

The personal tributes were lovely except for Robin Williams, who took the occasion of a eulogy to trot out his tired shtick, but how do you determine whose death deserves a personal tribute over someone else’s? With all due respect, why was Cory Monteith’s so honored and not Jack Klugman? Or Larry Hagman? Or Annette? Why Gary David Goldberg and not Alan Kirschenbaum? By the way, Reinhold Weege, who created NIGHT COURT and produced BARNEY MILLER wasn’t even included in the overall “In Memoriam” montage. And just so you know: Cory Monteith never won an Emmy. Jack Klugman won three. Annette hosted the Emmys one year.

Everyone says Lena Dunham is courageous for always walking around naked. Far more courageous was wearing that hideous green schmatah.

The Academy sent out a pretty clear message. Louis C.K. – not yet. Lena Dunham – not happening. Chuck Lorre – never.

What does it say when Bill Maher is now 0-32 and most Emmy voters are Democrats?

Wow! Diahann Carroll said she’d be royally pissed if Kerry Washington didn’t win (She didn’t. Claire Danes deservedly did.) and then took a gratuitous shot at actor Lloyd Nolan who’s been dead for almost thirty years. Oh wait, maybe that was another eulogy.

Anna Faris looked like a big yellow Easter Peep.

Odd that MODERN FAMILY won for Best Comedy without a single writing nomination. That said, yay Tina Fey and Tracy Wigfield! Nice to see women win this award. And nice to see a woman win Best Director for a Comedy.  Kudos  to Gail Mancuso, whom I’ve hired several times so I’m going to just claim I discovered her.

One of my favorite moments was when Kevin Spacey shooed the camera away when they took a close up of him for no reason. I’m only sorry he lost because I would have loved to have heard him blast network television the way he’s been doing at every luncheon from here to Kiwanis’s Chapter 345.

If Zosia Mamet’s dress was the result of another Kickstarter campaign she must’ve only raised eleven dollars.

Note to the Academy: Presenters should be able to pronounce the name of their category. Heidi Klum can’t say choreography.

What a loss writer Henry Bromell was. His “Q & A” script for HOMELAND was truly brilliant. Claire Danes gave a touching tribute, but since he wasn’t a former cast member of GLEE she got the walk-off music halfway through it.

Claire looked scrumptious in that suggestion of a dress. Looking at that sheer gown I thought, “this is the closest I’m ever going to come to having X-Ray vision.”

The walk-off music in general was way too quick. Any time anyone had a genuine moment, like Stephen Colbert thanking his mother, out came the musical hook. Producers needed that time for a random bloated production number highlighting choreography. Nothing salutes grim dramas better than Rockettes.

Carrie Preston looked like the Little Mermaid. So did Alyson Hannigan.

For some unfathomable reason other than an excuse to show the Kennedy funeral (because the show wasn’t dreary enough), they had a musical salute to the year 1963. Carrie Underwood sang “Yesterday”, which was a song from 1965. By the way, Paul McCartney is in town. He’s doing the Jimmy Kimmell Show tonight. Wouldn’t it have been a wacky idea to ask him to sing the song instead of a country singer who was born in 1983? Two of the Beatles are still with us, y'know?

All in all, this year’s Emmycast was a somewhat muted affair. Black is the new Orange. I’m sure the 6,000 in attendance couldn’t wait to get to their Emmy parties, or as they’re calling them this year – shiva calls.

I gotta go. Bye.