Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year! This is a re-post of one of my favorite entries -- reviewing the 2010 AVN Awards (that were actually televised).
WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal” are revealed.
evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by
porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus
what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to
really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her
screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred
bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We
learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because
“He likes to have sex with women.”
Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?
was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left
visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In
interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops
in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment,
“Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.
starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had
to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.
Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”
Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon
her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was
wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.
Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.
Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And
worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a
male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I
thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.
Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn
career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same
Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best
Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist.
Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech
admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”
McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense
to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral
Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”
I'm not making any of this up. Honest.
Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.
anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires
the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe
that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.
There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??
did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money
for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win
with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY
Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a
mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a
Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great,
although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never
gets that kind of great information out of the stars.
I love who
gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said,
“Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans.
“You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori
Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so
nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to
thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.”
When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?
awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed…
“Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5,
“Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the
Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,
One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??
my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award.
One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing
called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is
when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still
remember his lines.”
Poetry. Sheer poetry.