The HAWAII 5-0 I'd really like to see

Back from Maui. You’re saying, “Weren’t you just in Hawaii?” and the answer is “Yes, but this time our kids joined us, and so what if we were?” My wife arrived with a hellacious cold, I had a swollen cornea, and Annie was getting over bronchitis. There was so much coughing our rented condo sounded like a poker game at Elaine Stritch’s. Matt then arrived with a strained calf. So between us we couldn’t see, hear, speak, or walk. Let’s hike the crater!

Once again we stayed at the E-coli Village. Our condo came complete with all the deluxe amenities -- a partial view of the ocean, internet access (from other units that were not password protected), and stolen towels from the Grand Wailea.

Rain greeted us the first few days, which was fine because like everyone else we came to Hawaii for the theater.

Within days the clouds gave way to brilliant sunshine, everyone got well, and I caught a cold, which became a major sinus infection, and then full-blown ear infection. Koleamoku, the Hawaiian God of health must’ve paid to see MANNEQUIN 2 because he really kicked my haole ass this trip.

“Mahalo” means “thank you.” But since it’s on every garbage can, most tourists think mahalo means “trash.”

Who needs to visit the Hawaiian Cultural Center when there’s a Panties in Paradise within walking distance?

I must say it was a little weird being in Hawaii during that period where the Malaysian airliner just disappeared. LOST fans know what I mean. As do GILLIGAN’S ISLAND fans.

Just opened: the new Andaz Hotel. They renovated the Renaissance. It took over five years. It looks the same. Five levels of pools now but otherwise pretty similar. And you have to climb all five stories to get to the hotel. I asked an Andaz rep about that and he said, “Well, the hotel is designed for young people who are fit.”

He showed us a typical room. At the Renaissance it was $200 a night. Here it’s $675, and only 450 square feet. That’s the size of Roseanne’s refrigerator. But here’s a… “unique” feature: the bedroom and bathroom are separated by glass. So you can sit in bed and watch someone taking a shower. This must be their idea of “room with a view.”

Hawaiian uniformed policemen must cover up all tattoos beginning July 1st. That means long sleeve shirts, and if they have tats on their hands or neck they’ll be required to wear make up. There’s nothing more badass than a cop wearing Estee Lauder Double Wear All Day Glow.

So why would anyone want to join the HPD? Because it is legal in Hawaii for undercover officers to have sex with prostitutes as a means of catching them. Their retirement plan might be for shit, but who cares? That’s the cop show I want to see. HAWAII 5-0, OR 4-0 WITH GROUPON.

We did hit the Grand Wailea resort for a few days. Picture the Amazon Rain Forest in Derek Jeter’s winter home. Best restaurant there is Alan Wong’s Amasia. Try the tasting menu. I have no idea what I ate but it was all spectacular. They call the cuisine “conceptual future supercontinent” and featured items from Asia, Europe, and Atlantis. We had a large party so we sat at a Japanese-style sunken table in our own little room. The poor servers were forever climbing all over us or crawling behind us. It was like every Passover Seder you’ve ever attended.

There has been a surge in shark attacks off Maui beaches. Swimmers are cautioned to not venture out past the third pool at the Andaz, or bring your smartphone for a really cool selfie.

The latest health trend is wristbands that measure your number of steps. I was so happy until it turns out you’re supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day, not the whole three-week trip. I came so close.

Purim in Hawaii – celebrated as much as Prince Kuhio Day is in Arkansas.

You won’t believe it but prison inmates in Hawaii can request kosher meals. Yeah, “those” laws they can’t break. No separate trays for meat and dairy, however.

Swung by Lahaina for some tourist watching. Lahaina is a charming little fishing village where structures that were built in 1916 now house soap bomb emporiums and art galleries that feature work of the masters -- Anthony Hopkins and Red Skelton.

Forget the gentle trade winds. One Sunday we had 60 mph gusts. Idiots were trying to fly like human kites off mountaintops. At least I think they were idiots.

Paradise for locals means “Pair of Dice.” The number one vacation destination for residents is Las Vegas. Who needs the pristine beaches of Muana Lani when there’s the manmade one at the Mandalay Bay Hotel? And a view of the Lance Burton Billboard! An airline commercial shows happy Hawaiians on a Vegas-bound flight shooting craps in the aisle. Of course, after watching the human kites I think the ad would attract more takers if they were playing craps out on the wing.

Unless a killer shark is actually up on the sand munching on a flower girl, there are weddings going on every moment on every beach. Matt took a picture of four of them going on at once.

The only thing better than Panties in Paradise is NO Panties in Paradise. There is a clothing optional beach at Makena (think of all the money you brides could save on wedding dresses). I hear it’s perfect for anyone who likes to gawk at naked people and can’t afford a room at the Andaz.

I saw a car with Connecticut license plates. Google Maps GPS system is working on the bug.

Matteo’s is back! Best pizza on the island (without pineapple). They closed over a year ago. The only thing recommending the terrible new replacement is that they’re next door to an Urgent Care. But Matteo’s has returned in a new spot, and if you take a bite of their pizza and close your eyes you can imagine yourself in Italy. Or at least in their old location.

Tell the Russians to go screw themselves. Hawaiians make vodka on Maui. With sugarcanes, just the way the Bolsheviks used to do. "Vashe zdorovie, bra!" The distillery is just up the road from the Surfing Goat Dairy.

The problem with March Madness in Hawaii is that games begin at 6:00, and by the time you wake up your brackets are already destroyed.

Finally, I got over all my ills, was feeling 1000%... and it was time to leave. As usual, everyone had a wonderful time. I leave you with this ancient saying from the islands: “I hiamoe au ma luna o kou 'uha?” It means: May I sleep on your lap? An undercover cop taught it to me.