Sunday, April 06, 2014

The porn industry has gone too far!

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to anybody that the porn industry exploits its performers. Many impressionable young people with stars in their eyes arrive in LA every day and realize all too soon that this is a hard town, an unforgiving town. And for whatever reason wind up doing porn. Your heart goes out to them (more the girls but still).

There is a new trend in Adult Entertainment that I find disturbing. Companies are beginning to produce XXX parodies of popular sitcoms (like THE BRADY BUNCH, COSBY, and CHEERS). I have no problem with that. If you only knew some of the stuff we all pitched in the room that didn’t get in I guarantee it was rougher than those parodies.

But here’s my problem. It’s one thing to ask these porn “stars” to do degrading acts like have sex with animals or five guys or to be ravaged while shackled and chained. It’s quite another to ask them to be funny.

I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere. When a girl agrees to do oral that doesn’t mean bar schtick. When a guy says he’ll go down on you he doesn’t mean a pratfall. Allow these people some dignity.

You’re putting them in an impossible situation. Those comedy scenes will live on and haunt them the rest of their lives. How will they explain them to their kids?

So I implore the porn industry – don’t let this situation get so out of hand that Congress has to step in.

My other concern is that in short order these companies will run out of long running sitcoms to parody. And I for sure do not want to see the XXX version of THE GOLDEN GIRLS.

NOTE:  My post on Tuesday discusses the reaction to this post.  Please check back.  TOMORROW:  My thoughts on David Letterman's retirement.  

45 comments:

Ralph C. said...

Here's an obvious one... "The Big Bang Theory". Also, I'm sure no one's looking forward to the "Roseanne" parody.

emily said...

Can hardly wait for the XXX versions of "Kukla, Fran and Ollie" and "Howdy Doody."

brian t said...

On the other hand, I always kind of wondered about Kate & Allie ...!

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Thinking they'd go with "Golden Shower Girls" instead.

John said...

So ... are they doing these shows single-camera, or three-camera format with the live studio audience? (The latter might not laugh at the comedy scenes, but the other bits of action would probably get an audience response similar to when Fonzie walked into Arnold's in one of those late 70s "Happy Days" episodes).

Hamid said...

I don't know, Ron Jeremy seems to have quite a good sense of humour. I guess you'd have to if you look like that and do porn.

By the way, it's been a while since you've done a movie review, Ken. Will you be seeing Captain America, Noah or Draft Day?

Artie in Sin City said...

Hummmmm...Jeez, was that SATIRE?

Pat Reeder said...

If "Two Broke Girls" makes it to another season, it will probably degenerate into its own porn version.

Spencer said...

I think they do a pretty good job in the trailer for the Family Guy parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPW2ODorU98

Craig Russell said...

Couple of things...They have been doing these "parodies" for quite awhile. Search for "Heinfeld" (with Jerry, George, Elaine and...wait for it...'Creamer'--you cant make this stuff up) and I gotta be honest. Make a "2 Broke Girls" porn parody, and I might actually but it. Not that you ever have to buy porn anymore. Ever.

opimus said...

How about My Mother the Car. Talk about auto erotica.

Aaron Sheckley said...

The real shocker here is that the porn industry is still making actual porn movies, with dialog, a plot, and a theme like Cheers. I thought porn movies now were pretty much along the lines of "Anal Smashers 9", where the only plot development is whether the coked out actress will or won't flinch during the facial scene. It's heartening to know that some filmmakers still respect quality and tradition.....

James Fleener said...

What you need to do here, Ken, is turn the tables on these porn guys--show them how a real sitcom is made, and deflate their illusions. So, you should contrive a pilot for a show about the porn industry as if it were a real working sitcom, like MASH or CHEERS, complete with fastidious writers, script consultants, neurotic showrunners, and network executives breathing down their neck all the time ("No, no, no!--MORE lube!"). These guys are trying to turn comedy into porn; so turn porn into comedy. Show them what really goes into making a show funny. Deflate their collective boner, and beat them at their own game.

Pilot episode suggestion: The lead actress doesn't want to do anal, but there's a big mix-up and she ends up in a scene with Big Rod Johnson, so she tries clever ways to distract him while getting a stand-in to take her place. But the stand-in thinks it's actually a gay porn movie and that HE'S the one who is supposed to take Rod up the ass. Hilarity ensues, but it works out for everybody. Call it "All's Well That End's Well".

Johnny Walker said...

I guess the porn industry is just like the rest of the entertainment industry: Desperate for ideas, and willing to try anything.

Scooter Shechtman said...

I like the story that concerns Julie Andrews' possible interest in acting in a porn version of Terry Southern's "Blue Movie" novel. It's probably myth, but the mental image of Maria von Trapp going through the action routines of a 70s porno...is, uh, shameful.

Mike Barer said...

Two And A Half Men is already there!

Jim said...

@Scooter Shechtman

You clearly weren't around for the release of S.O.B., the publicity campaign for which pretty much came down to "Julie gets her tits out"

And speaking of sex and Maria von Trapp, here are a few interesting dates:

In her autobiography, Maria stated that her eldest daughter, Rosemarie, was born in 1929. However in her Declaration of Intention to become a United States citizen, signed on January 21, 1944, she shows Rosmarie's date of birth as February 8, 1928. In her Petition for Naturalization, signed on May 26, 1948, she also shows February 8, 1928, as Rosmarie's date of birth.

So what's a year between friends? Well on both those documents, and in her autobiography, she claims that she married Captain von Trapp on November 26, 1927. So when all those other nuns were singing "How do you solve a problem like Maria" they were clearly referring to the sort of problem that the average nun isn't expecting to have to confront in one of her fellow sisters. And I bet that even the Austrian aristocracy didn't have a standard, honourable, response.

Anonymous said...

It's worth remembering that SOB was written and directed by her husband, Blake Edwards - she was perfectly happy with her part in it.

RCP said...

"There are no small parts; just small actors." That's certainly been true of what I've seen of porn.

Phil in Honolulu said...

I'm sure they've already done "Leave It To Beaver." About your piece... leave it to Beaver Cleaver... good one!

DAve in NYC said...

Great, now I've got this nightmare vision of a porno WHO'S THE BOSS where Tony is plowing Angela from behind while repeatedly shouting, "Who's the boss? Who's the boss!" Then Angela turns around, puts on a strap-on cock, and does the same to Tony.

Meanwhile, Mona is in the next room cackling and masturbating at the whole thing. And directed, of course, by soft-porn veteran Alyssa Milano.

Wendy M. Grossman said...

IJWTS that I *loved* S.O.B. Loretta Swit as the prying Hollywood gossip columnist, Julie Andrews playing blue, Robert Preston as the quack doctor with a case full of drugs, a very young Rosanna Arquette in a bit part, and the wonderful Richard Mulligan as a stiff through half of it...what's not to love?

wg

D. McEwan said...

Actually, there is a gay-ONLY porn star who's been in the business for over a decade now, named Matthew Rush (Professionally. I have no idea what his real name is) who is very good with comedy. I've seen him given funny lines or bits to do in his videos a number of times, and he's always quite funny with his material. His own wit occasionally shines too, as in his recent Tweet: "I know my body is a temple, but today it's a whorehouse located over a liquor store."

Then there's Tom Judson. Under the professional name "Gus Mattox," he had a career of about 8 years as a gay porn star, eventually winning the GayVN Porn Performer of the Year Award, after which he retired from porn at the (Literal and Figurative) "Top" of his career.

Tom's performed on Broadway. When the touring company of the revival of Cabaret played Los Angeles, with Teri Hatcher as Sally Bowles, there was Tom Judson in the show. He was in the original company of one of Terrence McNally's plays (In a role McNally wrote for him). He's composed musical scores for movies and stage plays, including the score for the original production of Charles Busch's great play Vampire Lesbians of Sodom. When Charles Busch did a one-man cabaret engagement in NYC a few months ago, Tom was his Musical Director and Accompianist. He's also been the Musical Director for the drag comedy act of Varla Jean Merman.

Tom toured in a one-man show about his unique career, titled Canned Ham. When it played Los Angeles three years ago, I reviewed it for The Huffington Post. (A positive review. In fact, I ended up as a blurb on his posters for later engagements, including a three-month run over a summer in Provincetown.) In it he discussed the humorous interior disconnects of finding himself shooting a gay gang-bang scene one afternoon in LA followed by playing an evening performance of Cabaret at the Pantages Theater. (Some of the funniest material came from describing in full detail the utter and gigantic, almost-beathtaking, stupidity and ignorance of many of his porn co-stars. Like the one whose one-word line, "Okay!", had to be written on a piece of paper and hung just out of camera range because the hopelessly-dim young man could not memorize a single-word response.)

Tom's also a quite talented writer. I've read many of his essays (Written for magazine columns - yes, he's been a magazine columnist also - blogs, and recently published as a book) and his writing is very good indeed.

And having seen Tom live onstage, fully dressed, doing comic material he wrote, I can tell you that he can write comedy, and as a performer, lands every laugh. He also plays the piano, banjo, trumpet and I don't know how many other musical intruments.

Yes, most porn performers fall under the heading of "Can Not Act To Save Their Lives," but there are here and there a couple of genuine talents. In Tom's case, doing porn because, well, he enjoyed it.

darmund said...

As some other people have said, you're behind the curve on the whole porn parody thing. The Brady Bunch parody, well the good one anyway, came out over 7 years ago. The Big Bang Theory one isn't bad either. As for a Golden Girls or Roseanne parody, why wouldn't those be made. There is a fetish niche for EVERYTHING you can think of in porn, including fat chicks and old women.

And yes they actually do take time to have a plot and storyline and on the dvd there is the option to watch the movie with the sec stuff left out.

As for the acting being lousy in porn I think that's a bit unfair because unlike regular tv shows porn stars may have to do 3 or 4 different movies in one week.

Wayne said...

How much nudity would there be in the porn version of GIRLS?

Rowan said...

I saw a sizzle reel for a sitcom that was supposed to be sexy and kind of raunchy shot in a multi-cam style with a canned laugh track. The jokes were obvious and the acting was atrocious. I think they cast based on who was willing to have a threesome on camera in lingerie as opposed to someone with comedic timing.
Frankly I think it's a cut below the porn parodies.

RepubAnon said...

I'm sure someone has done the XXX Files... but why not, say, Godzilla? Or the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

YEKIMI said...

@D. McEwan: Matthew Rush's real name is Gregory Grove.
I think they should do a gay version of that old TV show and call it "Leave It, It's Beaver"...starring Tony Endowed!

Cap'n Bob said...

Doesn't anyone wonder why Ken knows so much about the current porn industry?

Mike said...

NOTE: My post on Tuesday discusses the reaction to this post. Please check back.
I'm confused. Was there homework to hand in? Was it a lesson? Americans can't do satire?
TOMORROW: My thoughts on David Letterman's retirement.
Nail the lid down and run away.

D. McEwan said...

Thanks, Yekimi. I never knew Matthew's real name.

"Mike said...
My thoughts on David Letterman's retirement.
Nail the lid down and run away."


Some of us still love Dave, and his departure will leave a void in our days. Is there some way that Dave being on the air inconveniences you? Was someone forcing you against your will to watch him? If not, then fuck you.

YEKIMI said...

@ D. McEwan: You're welcome.

Johnny Walker said...

Not great, but you have to watch it (if you haven't already seen it):

Jimmy Fallon's Top 10 List: Why Letterman is Retiring

RockGolf said...

I'm waiting for the Game Of Thrones G-rated parody.

jbryant said...

And of course you wouldn't have to change the titles for porn parodies of these shows:

Mr. Peepers
Make Room for Daddy
The Dick Van Dyke Show
The Farmer's Daughter
Love on a Rooftop
Occasional Wife
Diff'rent Strokes
The Facts of Life
Makin' It
Working Stiffs
Headmaster
Bosom Buddies

And for you sickos: Me and the Chimp

Liggie said...

Darmund, did the BBT parody have any Sheldon sex scenes? The show plays off Sheldon being asexual, so I wonder how the parody would work that into the "plot".

I also hope they have no scenes with Mrs. Wolowitz.

Ira said...

My post on Tuesday discusses the reaction to this post

WHAT response? To dumb jokes and the usual only-vaguely-on-topic stuff?

Dave in NYC said...

A DICK VAN DYKE one (no, it's not lesbian):

An adolescent prankster known only as "Beaver Cleaver" sneaks into the Petrie home in the middle of the night, and surreptitiously shaves off all of Laura's pubic hair. She awakes the next morning, sees herself in a full-length mirror and bursts out, "Ooohhh, Rob!!"

In the second act, after much intense investigation and comedic soul-searching, the culprit is reveled to be our own Ken Levine.

Brian said...

Hope this stops before they do Mash. Although Hotlips.....

BigTed said...

The networks must have known this would happen when they came up with "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place."

Anonymous said...

"Too Close for Cum Fart"
"Cass Hole"

Mike said...

@D. McEwan: I was concerned my comment was too vague. Perhaps:
Nail his coffin lid closed and run away in case he gets out.

D. McEwan said...

Fine, Mike, you sick bastard, as long as you nail his coffin closed yourself from the inside!

I look forward to your coffin being rolled into the crematorium. Here's hoping you're still alive when the flames start licking at your withered self.

Nostradumbass said...

Two Broke Girls - One Cup

Anonymous said...

@Brian: They were way ahead of you. There was a MASH parody back in the 80s called NURSES of the 407th.

And it was Hot Hips.