Monday, November 10, 2014

How aliens view earthlings

An alien aircraft has been discovered hovering over the earth. We’ve been able to intercept their communications back to their mother planet. Through complex mega-computers we’ve been able to translate their language. Turns out it’s very similar to Yiddish. The following is a recent communique detailing their impressions of us earthlings:

We recently have been able to access something called the internet. It is a shared data service that can only be accessed by fruit. We don’t know how they tap into these pieces of edible spheres  but specifically humans utilize apples for this purpose.

The internet is received in several ways, mostly through radio wave transmission. We were able to access it thanks to something called Verizon. There is another service – AT&T – but that one didn’t work.

All forms of information are available on things called websites. Based on volume of traffic we conclude the primary interest among all humans is pornography. In a country called the United States there seems to be a large allegiance to Fox News. Those same humans switch back and forth between Fox News and pornography.

Whereas we have libraries, earthlings obtain their reading material through a website called Amazon. Prices vary wildly. The smallest unit of United States currency is one cent and we found a book that only costs that amount. It’s called “It’s Gone! No, Wait a Minute” by Ken Levine. How terrible must it be to sell for the absolute minimum value possible? And it’s an autographed copy.

We were able to piece together a pretty accurate profile of the lifestyle of those citizens of the United States. There are websites where humans share captured video images of themselves. Two such heavily populated sites are Facebook and Instagram.

Here’s what we’ve concluded: Nobody works. Everybody is on vacation all the time. Everybody looks very flattering. No one’s hair is ever mussed. Everyone smiles all the time. They all seem to derive their life force not from water but from cocktails. Everyone is holding a cocktail in a strange container shaped like a funnel attached to a thin stem. Everyone has an obsession with small animals that are pleasing to the eye. The Fox News faithful share articles criticizing the United States leader.

Unlike our culture where we share complex ideas, on this planet they offer advice in the form of little inspirational sayings. Example: A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself.

Each entry allows for feedback in the form of “likes.” If a reader approves an entry he may add his name to the “like” section. Based on the number of “likes” we conclude these broad simple generalizations really resonate with humans. The other thing, oddly enough, that humans appear to approve enthusiastically is death. We found many humans sharing that a loved one has passed away and numerous other humans register “likes.”

Humans find it important to document every meal with a captured video image. Apparently one cannot eat fried clams or boysenberry pie without letting the world know.

It is a good life these humans lead. Every night these humans go to concerts. Or restaurants. And it has always been thus. There is a feature called Throwback Thursday where humans share captured videos of themselves in the past – at concerts and restaurants. Interestingly, they always joke about their hair and appearance in those vintage images but they look just as foolish or worse today. Only their teeth is now whiter and the females seem to have larger breasts.

To sum up: We find earth a most inviting planet. We would like to remain here, even land and go on vacations and participate in pornography ourselves. Currency appears mandatory to survive on earth, and of course we have none. But we have come up with a solution. We have started something called a Kickstarter campaign. So far, in three days we’ve raised fifty-thousand dollars, all from Fox News faithful who would like us to take control of their government.

35 comments:

Hamid said...

So far, in three days we’ve raised fifty-thousand dollars, all from Fox News faithful who would like us to take control of their government.

LOL!!!! That was hilarious!

I thought you might be kidding about the 1 cent book, so I went on Amazon and whilst there I also noticed this funny listing under Collectibles:
Box-cutter cut through a 1 1/4 of the dust jacket only (through the word Gone!), but it's OK.

Bill Jones said...

We get it... you like to mock Fox News. (Kind of a hacky target by now, but if that's still your go-to conservative referent, fire away.) Does using a joke three times make it funnier?

Scooter Schechtman said...

Equating Fox News with porn is disgraceful and shows no respect for those in what you scornfully call "flyover states". We are the REAL AMERICA and we stand by our porn. God bless Andrea True!

Stoney said...

Kinda reminds me of the scene in Woody Allen's "Sleeper" where Miles is being shown the 20th Century artifacts. His response to the Howard Cosell clip is still a hoot!

Off-topic but (I think) worth noting; Astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson was on CBS This Morning saying "Contact" is still the most realistic sci-fi film.

Angry Gamer said...

I just don't know what to make of these types of postings.

On the one hand I appreciate that Ken is being subtle. On the other hand I don't like Ken digging against "fox news" viewers. And apparently speaking with the slightly elevated nose of one who is sure "fox news" people would be too dense to understand when they are being made fun of.

I mean really just subsitute MSNBC/Bush and set the way back machine to 2007. (Oh does that hit close to home in the hypocracy coast?)

Substitute Soros for Koch. Substitute War on Women for War on Middle Class.

We had an election... didn't work out for people in the entertainment industry, got it. But ya know we had a peaceful election where we (unlike some places) choose our leaders in a civilized manner with nobody getting killed.

Good Times I think.

Not So Angry Gamer

Toledo said...

It also appears that Fox News viewers are very touchy.

Daniel said...

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/09/08/1327465/-Cartoon-Capt-Kirk-vs-the-internet#

Len said...

Aw, Ken's just trying to push buttons and see how much indignant protest he can stir up.

Stoney said...

Another thing this post kinda reminds me of is "Highly Illogical"; an amusing little song about alien observation of life in the 1960s that Leonard Nimoy recorded during his Spock heyday.

Chris said...

Relax, Fox people. The Fox News shot only bothers me because it's so lazy. You were kind of getting that way with the Palin stuff at one point but stopped--but way after she ceased being relevant. Doesn't this fall into that whole "Bono" thing you posted about?

Ken Levine said...

Yes, I hate Fox News and poked fun of it in a satirical piece. I also take shots at AT&T, Facebook, myself, people who post photos of their kittens, and our society in general. None of those other targets seemed to outrage anybody. Maybe because it's understood it's a humor piece.

But truly, if you're outraged I picked on poor behemoth Fox News then please find another blog. Because warning: I have opinions and I might dare to express them again at some point. And they may even be opinions you don't share. So spare yourself. Spare me. Look elsewhere. Goodbye.

Stephen said...

You go, Script-boy!

Hamid said...

So spare yourself. Spare me. Look elsewhere. Goodbye.

What Ken said.

tb said...

It IS weird when a death gets a "like"

Unknown said...

I really like your blog, but "Because warning: I have opinions and I might dare to express them again at some point. And they may even be opinions you don't share. So spare yourself. Spare me. Look elsewhere. Goodbye." seems to ignore that other people have opinions too, and might dare to express them back, and you might not share them. No one seemed over the top to me (until this "get off my lawn" rejoinder). Talk about the Fox News people being touchy!

Johnny Hy said...

Ken,

Even though we are obviously on different sides of the political divide, I love the blog and your work. I think touchiness about the Fox News references were not that they came across as a shot at Fox News but as a shot at the people who watch Fox News, as if the only people who watch it are unsophisticated rubes. I know I am unsophisticated,just ask my ex-wife, but I am not definitely not a rube :)

Congrats on the success of your play. It's been fun to be included in the process. Hopefully it will go on the road and we can get a chance to see it here in Atlanta.

Ken Levine said...

I do accept opposing opinions. Otherwise I'd turn off the comments feature. And people take issue with things I write all the time. They also think certain things I say aren't funny. That's fine.

It just bothers me that if I express anything even remotely political, even facetiously,there is outrage. So my warning is that my political bias may leak out from time to time. That said, I'm not just GOP bashing. One of the biggest laughs in my play is a joke at the Clintons' expense.

This is a humor blog, folks. I don't tell you who to vote for. We should all tolerate each others political views. But some readers don't and get angry. This happens every time. And to those I say, respectfully, spare yourself the anguish because I'm not going to alter my content.

I don't have any commenters livid that I made fun of AT&T.

Again, it's a humor blog.

Hamid said...

Off topic but I've been watching Homeland and whilst this season is a vast improvement on the last one, it has so departed the bounds of plausibility and credibility as to border on being science fiction. I'd be curious to know what Ken and others here think of this season.

It's ridiculous enough that we're supposed to believe such an emotionally unstable woman who has a habit of falling in love with the targets of her operations would be allowed to continue serving as an agent, much less be promoted to station chief, but the latest episode was so weighed down with a preoccupation to be politically correct that it went into the realms of complete absurdity. First we get a terrorist who speaks perfect English, which isn't impossible, but then he invites his Jewish hostage, Saul, to join him at dinner and apologies when his son is rude to him. Really? Really?! Come on, Homeland producers, I get you want to be careful so as not to offend the ultra PC brigade, but that's just bonkers. There is no way on earth a muslim terrorist would do that with any American hostage, let alone a Jewish one! Have they watched the news lately? These are savage, medieval lunatics who do nothing but kill and torture. I don't think being kidnapped by them involves a meal and polite conversation.

It's an entertaining show and I love watching Claire Danes and Mandy Patinkin, but any credibility it once had was left behind somewhere in the middle of season 2.

AlaskaRay said...

The problem must be autograph. I'm sure the book would be worth more without it. BTW, I'll have to have you autograph my copy the next time we get together (and I paid a lot more than 1 cent).
Ray

McAlvie said...

Thanks, Ken. I have never quite understood the popularity of that site with all the cat pictures, or why people insist on sharing every mundain detail of their lives on internet sites, so I can see why it would puzzle aliens. But you should have changed the ending to the classic, "There's no intelligent life here."

And I don't know which is funnier, that people are getting more worked up about their choice of network being made fun of than anything else you said (I'm sure they'd think it was very funny if you were picking on the other side), or that those same comments feel so much like the punchline to your own joke.

That said, while Fox and Co do all but wear a "kick me" sign, bear in mind that the sign is funny; actually kicking them is not. You're a humor writer, you know this.

Charles H. Bryan said...

I think visitors to Earth would want to know that until 11:59 pm PST, Amazon would sell them the complete DVD series of M*A*S*H (plus Altman's movie) for $69.99.

emily said...

While we're doing our Goodbyes, let's all wave buh-bye to Aaron Sorkin...retiring from television, he says.

B Smith said...

They forgot to mention the cats!

MikeK.Pa. said...

When I was finished reading today's blog I was surprised to see the number of comments on alien observations about us earthlings. Then I clicked on the Comments section and saw more than half were about the little jab at Fox News. The problem with cable news and talk radio is it contributes to the divide in this country.

Civil discourse is theoretical when you are going for ratings. Conflict (real or imagined) and inflammatory headers seem to be the norm for some of these stations. I don't mind jabs at big corporations (of which Fox News and AT&T are). It's all the little people can do - throw some pebbles at the castle walls and shake our fists.

Unfortunately, I think we are getting to the point where the aliens might be wise to tune in to the Twilight Zone episode "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street." It's where we might be heading as a country if we can't find common ground and be able to agree to disagree. Looking forward to some civil discourse tomorrow - on sitcoms.

Cat said...

If more people posted more pictures of kittens, the world would be a nicer place.

Lorimartian said...

Aliens would also conclude from broadcast and film media that the majority of caucasian earthlings have blue eyes (and mostly blonde hair).

An editor's nightmare on The McCarthys -- five people conversing while eating submarine sandwiches and poor continuity.

We really enjoyed the play and meeting you yesterday, Ken. Congratulations again on a very successful and well-received run.

Johnny Walker said...

As soon as I read "Fox News" I knew what the comments were going to be, but I'm glad Ken stood his ground rather than be persuaded into censoring something that was already very mild.

Anyways, funny article, and that Star Trek cartoon was great, too. Thanks for sharing it.

Johnny Walker said...

Also, "It's Gone..." is worth a lot more than 1c. Pick up a copy!

Johnny Walker said...

And one last thing: The aliens would probably also have noticed the common human practice of trying to tackle complex international problems by posting Facebook updates.

Mike said...

Hamid, I haven't seen the show, but it wouldn't surprise me if terrorist agents behaved well towards Jews, seeing as how they have to be undercover and all.

Anonymous said...

Of course aliens will report on Fox News. That's what people are watching.

mmryan314 said...

Don't want to turn this into a political blog but I have to weigh in here on the FOX news debate. I lived for sixty-five years in a 'fly-over" state until I retired and moved and dislike
(intensely)FOX news. Most of my extended family puts FOX news before God and church- you can imagine our dinner table conversations. While I disagree with them, I still love them and more importantly, talk to them and they to me. I merely put up my hand and say "Don't even start with me." They laugh. Lighten up people.

Hamid said...

Mike, I didn't say anything about an undercover terrorist. The character of Saul was kidnapped by a Pakistani terrorist and held hostage at his compound.

Jeannie said...

I have no problem with Fox News existing. Big fan of freedom of speech and the press. I just have trouble with the word "News" in the network's title when it's clearly opinion, commentary and entertainment, which is fine...but "news" should be facts, not agendas or spin. And lest anyone think I'm Fox bashing, I feel the same way about "local news," which is 90% fluff and 10% fear-based crime stories.

MikeN said...

As for Fox News and porn, the network of Two and a Half Men and Two Broke Girls had no problems lying on behalf of the president, covering up his lies about Benghazi.

http://www.cashill.com/intellect_fraud/sharyl_attkisson.htm