The Golden Globes -- my review

First let me say the Golden Globes is to the Oscars and Emmys what the Rupert Pupkin Show is to THE TONIGHT SHOW. Especially this year. The nominations are staggeringly ridiculous and shows are in categories that bear no resemblance to the genres they belong in. So there is zero credibility and importance as to who wins.

Among the absurd snubs this year: THE WALKING DEAD, Tatiana Maslany, Lisa Kudrow, Julia Roberts, Maggie Smith, BIG BANG THEORY, MODERN FAMILY, MAD MEN, and SONS OF ANARCHY (well, everyone ignores that one). Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston gets nominated for wearing a back brace for her part. That’s “acting.”

As a reminder, the Hollywood Foreign Press is a grand total of 89 critics, some of whom are literally waiters. People win these awards for being generous tippers. Considering members of the Hollywood Foreign Press can be bought, some of them might be NFL referees.

But let’s travel over the potholes on Wilshire Blvd. to the Beverly Hilton Hotel where the red carpet is just out of view of a construction site (“Would you like a hard hat, Ms. Blunt?”) to review last night’s sanctimonious Golden Globe Awards. Helping me this year is the comedy writing team of Annie Levine & Jonathan Emerson. They pitched in some lines and stopped me from changing the channel when F TROOP came on MeTV.

First up was the NBC Red Carpet show, anchored by Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie. Matt always looks so uncomfortable. And why not? THE TODAY SHOW is getting killed in the ratings and all the other network morning hosts are in Paris covering the major news story of the day while he’s in Beverly Hills (adjacent) interviewing George Clooney’s wife.

Amal Clooney is gorgeous but scary thin. You won him already. Eat something.

Matt fawned all over her, stating she is an accomplished attorney who has handled high-profile cases, and Jon wanted him to add, “But none of that matters because you’re now Mrs. Clooney.”

Lots of the stars were wearing lapel pins in support of Paris. I’m sure when they were issued a few weeks ago they were intended to be in support of Sony, the hacked studio.

Helen Mirren wore a fountain pen on her gown in support of “free speech.” Hollywood cares. On camera.

When Bill Murray was asked how he felt about being a double nominee he said it was “better than being a double amputee.”

Savannah asked Eddie Redmayne what his process was for becoming Stephen Hawking? Jon thought his answer should have been: “I sat down.”

Nice of Savannah to remind Matthew McConaughey that “LAST year was really your year.”

With that new beard and mustache, McConaughey looked like either a Civil War General or outfielder for the Boston Red Sox.

Yeah, now Matt & Savannah need Amy Adams. They didn’t a few weeks ago when they dumped her interview and NBC publicly claimed she was difficult. But on the red carpet they were practically licking her pumps. You could almost see the thought bubble over Matt’s head: “Why aren’t I in Paris?!”

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler again were the absolute highlight of the night with their opening monologue. Some great lines and their dueling Bill Cosby impressions were both hilarious and tasteless.

Unfortunately, after that – ten minutes into a three-plus hour ordeal, the laughs stopped. Nothing was particularly funny, even Tina & Amy. Their bit about the North Korean film critic not only died. But it was reprised and died three times. (In comedy we call that a Nakamura – a running bit that doesn’t work… again and again and again.)

I think Hollywood is finally starting to hate Ricky Gervais as much as America does.

Emma Stone looked like a table cloth got caught on the back of her dress.

Again, the nominees for each category were selected randomly. And there are so many genres lumped together in these categories that it’s impossible to keep everything straight. I apologize if I sometimes get confused as to who won what.

J.K. Simmons won for Best Foreign Film. Now that he’s a Golden Globe winner maybe he won’t have to star in a bad new NBC sitcom this year.

Speaking of “foreign films,” since this is the Foreign Press, aren’t American movies the ones that should be considered foreign?

Joanne Froggatt won for Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, TV Movie, Stage Play, Musical, Puppet Show, Opera.

Jeffrey Tambor won for Best Actor and Actress for TRANSPARENT.

Naomi Watts looked like the world’s most delicious Easter Peep.

Half the show was winners trudging up the side stairs to the stage. It was like watching a security camera at LAX.

Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader were so unfunny I thought I was watching an old sketch from the CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE SHOW.

Every time they cut to Oprah she was overcome with emotion. I’m sure the tears were real when she lost. Poor Oprah can’t even win an award she can buy.

How come in the George Clooney film tribute they didn’t show him as Batman?

Show Business is so brave. They gave George Clooney a standing ovation for proclaiming: “We won’t walk in fear!” and yet NONE of them would sign his weenie petition last month denouncing Sony’s hackers. Forget the North Koreans, Hollywood is afraid of the Foreign Press.

Catherine Zeta-Jones came as a Catherine Zeta-Jones impersonator.

Amy Adams won for BIG EYES and thanked everyone but Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski, the two writers who found the project and toiled relentlessly for eleven years to get it made.

Best speech of the night was by Wes Anderson. Annie wondered if THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL won because people had mustaches.

Worst speech was Michael Keaton’s. I guess it was meant to be inspirational. You could come from a poor GRAPES OF WRATH background, brought up in a large family that struggled for every meal on the table. And still you could become a pretentious actor.

Prince and Claire Danes wore the same outfit. He at least pretended to be blind.

One of the Gyllenhaal’s won for something.

Kevin Spacey couldn’t find anyone to come with other than Kate Mara, the girl he killed in the season premier last year?

Most touching moment: Gina Rodriguez winning for JANE THE VIRGIN. Her acceptance speech was so heartfelt I felt bad that it wasn’t for a real award. I’d like to say this gives her show some much needed exposure but more people watch the CW than NBC.

Congratulations to Billy Bob Thornton for winning Best Animated Film for his work in FARGO.

Why didn’t they show Anna Kendrick? She looked stunning. Was she not wearing a solidarity pin?

Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda now have the same face.

They kept cutting away to Frances McDormand who looked like her husband had dragged her to a time share seminar.

Annie: I hate when writers give terrible speeches.

More people wrote BIRDMAN than appeared in it.

Jon thought Gwyneth Paltrow came dressed as Pepto-Bismol.

Keira Knightley’s print gown must’ve been an ode to her bug collection.

Did it seem like most of the winners had foreign sounding names or accents? Or was that just a coincidence?

Since there were no actual comedies nominated I forget which show won Best TV Comedy. Was it THE AFFAIR? Might have been. Or might as well have been.

I'll tell you what didn't win Best TV Comedy -- JANE THE VIRGIN, although ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY reported on its website that it did.  If you're going to screw up EW, at least report that SELMA won.  Oprah is so sad. 

And finally, in a salute to the big winner, BOYHOOD -- the show seemed like twelve years.

Look, the Golden Globes is a bogus fabricated TV “event” – much like the Pro Bowl. The best we could hope for is an entertaining fun silly show where shit-faced celebrities say things they shouldn’t and Salma Hayek has a wardrobe malfunction. But instead it was like attending Mitt Romney’s election night party.

Bring on the Oscars. Or even the Kids Choice Awards. They at least know that BIRDMAN isn’t a comedy.