Traveling is a nightmare anyway, but during the winter it gets even worse. But fear not, blog faithful. Here are some suggestions for winter air travel:
Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.
Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.
two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for
the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And
if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight
If you print your ticket on one of those self-help
stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five
cherries coming up on a slot machine.
Best to print your ticket
at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other
airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak
schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton,
Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.
Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.
Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.
Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.
Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.
You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.
You might want to put that Astroglide into a nondescript little bottle.
Don't book connecting flights in the winter, even in Hawaii.
Don't buy furniture off the Sky Mall.
Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.
they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take
a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be
cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the
Have your laptop, ipod, cellphone, iphone,
Gameboy, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand
held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long
Before you get on the flight take Airbourne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Clariton, Ambien, and tequila.
Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.
your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading
light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to
be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.
But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.
Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.
Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”
Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.
The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.
Beware of free WIFI hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.
quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they
say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones
in First Class.
And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the
airlines' fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical
problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport
restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most
of all -- the media.
This is a re-post from six years ago. Unfortunately, nothing's changed.