Sunday, June 07, 2015

I can write FIFTY SHADES OF GREY too

Oh boy!  E.L. James (the world's richest bad writer) is preparing a sequel to her wildly successful FIFTY SHADES OF GREY series.  We get to see things through Christian's point-of-view.  It'll be out in a couple of weeks.  She's sitting down to write it today.  But as blog reader, Pat Reeder noted, I already wrote that.  Here again, in case you missed it, and to get you to buy my novel instead (which is way cheaper), is the flipside of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

I spend most of my time in my giant swank office. I’m the equivalent of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs except I’m also gorgeous looking and not dead. I preside over a massive global conglomerate that feeds the poor (thus making me likeable) and brings in billions. I’m always on the phone speaking generically. “Get me those numbers, Ted.” “That sounds risky, I’ll need to look over the proposal.” “Reschedule the acquisitions team for Monday at 3:00.” So you can plainly see I’m legit.

On Friday night I fly down to Portland to see my brother and pick up some items from a hardware store. I fly my own helicopter. I also play concert piano, have read and can quote the classics, collect fine art and first editions, and look awesome in jeans. It’s clear I’m an expert helicopter pilot because I say things to the tower like, “Charlie-Tango descending to 1000 feet.” Don’t even try to make sense of it. You have to be a pilot.


I go back to Seattle because I need to be at my desk and look over reports when I tell people on the phone, “Have Brian call me tomorrow, and I want a meeting with his people.”

But before you know it I fly back to Portland to speak at a college graduation. My speech goes over well because I’m incredibly charismatic. Those kids hang on every generic word.

Home again in Seattle I drive to Bellvue to have dinner with my equally wealthy step-parents and siblings. They have a large mansion. The food is delicious.  I'm a foodie and wine connoisseur too.  

A few more days of taxing business decisions (“I’m not going forward till I see the projections!”) and I need to take the corporate plane to Savannah, Georgia. As you know, I’m also an expert glider pilot. But my trip is cut short. A business emergency.

I fly back to Seattle and now on the phone I use an angry tone. “Unacceptable!” “Call Gary. We have to re-think this.” That’s me in crisis mode – firm but in complete control.

And that’s about it. Oh wait. During this period I also banged a high-maintenance loony college chick.

Hmmmm. Now I that read it over, it might be a little short for a novel. What do you think? I’ll add a scene where he walks on water.

24 comments:

Oat Willie said...

Make the loony college chick camera-shy about penetration shots.

Anonymous said...

big show Michael buble jeff Timmons nick lachey drew lachey Justin jeffre stone cold steve Austin will be in fast and furious 8

Pat Reeder said...

Thanks for the shout-out. The second I saw that news story, I had a feeling of deja vu. I'm sure your version is much more true to life than hers will be, much more entertaining, and best of all, much shorter.

ELS said...

I think you forgot the scene where he gets a photo shoot with a starving African child. Or whoever is starving or sick, on whatever continent.

Anonymous said...

kurt Russell will be in fast and furious 8 kurt Russell will be playing aS COLIN NOBODY IN FAST AND FURIOUS 8

Anonymous said...

KURT RUSSELL WILL GUEST STAR ON NEW GIRL KURT RUSSELL WILL BE PLAYING AS MR MAXED OUT IN NEW GIRL

Anonymous said...

KURT RUSSELL WILL GUEST STAr on 2 broke girls kurt Russell will be playing as salesman in 2 broke girls

Anonymous said...

empire of the sun will be in fast and furious 8

Oat Willie said...

ATTENTION PARENT: get your 8 year old off the computer.

Hamid said...

These posts about fast and furious 8 are also better written than Fifty Shades of Grey.

DBenson said...

For me, Gilbert Gottfried reading aloud remains the definitive version. Mr. Levine posted it here some time ago.

Carl said...

E. L. James has more money than Dan Brown?

VP81955 said...

E.L. James: The Elinor Glyn of the 21st century. (Her bad erotic fiction, steamy for the time, helped tag Clara Bow as the "It" girl.)

Pat Reeder said...

To VP81955:

Thank you! That's one of the reasons I hang out here. In a time when you get mocking scorn or annoying blank stares if you mention anything that happened before 2009, where else can you find a good Elinor Glyn reference?

Killarny County said...

You forgot the scene where he's at home at night, sitting at a table with a laptop and glass of wine as if waiting for her to call, like a sophisticated David Putty (Seinfeld) or something.

Hamid said...

Frasier makes lots of money just for being on the radio and can even sustain himself, his father and father's sex worker for extended periods of time while unemployed (and give Roz a $1500 loan). Where is Roz's money? And how was Major Winchester going to buy all the local scrip if the new scrip hadn't been released yet? He would have to take the old local scrip, exchange it and then go back to the locals with the new scrip. Had he planned to give them regular currency that wasn't special issue for the Korean theatre, I sure Winchester could've been stopped had someone tipped off the MPs to his scheme.
I like to duck into a public washroom and scrub my foreskin out under a sink several times a day. I get strange looks and protest but it is my right. I heard they circumcised a lot of the military personnel headed to Asia. Is that true? I would not have liked that.

Hamid said...

The above wasn't written by me, though I'd hope that would be obvious. 

Hamid said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Barry Traylor said...

I used to read articles that were concerned about the "dumbing down of America". Thanks to E.L. James I am pretty sure we have reached the bottom.

Texas Annie said...

Well, today's comments were ... ummmm.... different.

Anonymous said...

wow that's better written than the original...thanks Ken!

Anonymous said...

OMG! Hamid still has his nutball stalker. J in Iowa

Carol said...

I have a book coming out in July. I'm very proud of it and it's being published by a small but successful publishing company. (Strange Business on Wild Rose Press, if anybody cares)

I think my book is a good book, and I have no illusions that it will become the Next Bestseller. If i sell 1,000 copies, and if at least some of them are bought by people who don't actually know me, I'll be pleased.

And yet EL James monkey-on-a-typewriter drivel is going to rake in millions. It makes me want to weep.

Diane D. said...

I can't believe no one responded to you, Carol. I'm going to buy your book and I don't know you! I've bought several items connected to people on this blog and found them all to be worthwhile. Good luck with your book!