Sunday, November 15, 2015

Best Of: 2005 -- Porn Star Karaoke

In honor of this blog's ten year anniversary, today begins my ten days of "Best Of" posts... as determined by me.  Along with an introduction to each.

This one first appeared November 30, 2005.  It was one of my very first posts.  At the time I didn't know how to upload photos so it was just text.  So the picture is new.  

For the first year or so I was really finding my way, experimenting with the type of content I would write about.  I ultimately settled on humor, not pornography.   Did I make the right choice?

There’s a bar tucked away in a Burbank strip mall between a cleaners and donut shop that on Tuesday nights presents “Porn Star Karaoke”. My friend Kevin and I checked it out and needless to say it was a classy affair. Laminated signs listed the rules, one being “No oral sex in the bathrooms”.

I knew we were in for a great evening when I saw the “Porn Star Karaoke” banner on the stage next to a menorah.

The adult world’s elite showed up – twenty gum popping smoking bimbos in halter tops and hot pants, raccoon make up and (as Kevin said) enough silicone in their bodies to be legally considered a Mattel toy. They were accompanied by the usual assortment of buff porn kings who dyed their hair even though they're 25, and fat middle aged guys in pony tails and billowing Hawaiian shirts. They were probably the girls’ dads.

The stars started filing in around 10. Ron Jeremy was there at 6.

The D.J. set the elegant tone for the evening by saying to the first porn crooner “You’re not allowed to talk about how hot your pussy is”. She took it in good spirits and mimed choking on the microphone. It’s how I always pictured the Rainbow Room.

Musical ability is not why these girls are known as Golden Throats. Not one of them could sing a note. But they did find other ways to bring home their songs. One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.

Two more made out with each other on stage (how else are you gonna fill that instrumental bridge?), while a porn king who looked like Eric Roberts in "Star 80" only sleazier walked right up to the stage with a digital camcorder and filmed extreme close ups of their breasts ("someday I hope to direct").

I was disappointed none of the stars sang Janis Joplin’s heartbreaking classic “Down on Me”.

The place was rocking and yet there was some guy at a table just reading a book. That must've been a helluva book.

They gave away prizes and I won one! It’s the first time in my entire life I’ve ever won anything. How fitting it should be a porn DVD -- the 2 disc collector’s set of ETERNITY starring Stormy Danials, Jessica Drake, and a horse. Plus, it comes with a director’s track. ("I began by shooting extreme close ups of breasts".)

Unfortunately, we had to leave before I could get up and do my medley from “Fiddler on the Roof”. But there’s always next week…and the following week…and the week after that.

15 comments:

opimus said...

Do some of actors carry out doughnuts with using their hands?

Mighty Dyckerson said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mitchell said...

@Dyck,

If you think he's so lame, then why are you stalking him? That's BEYOND lame.

blinky said...

Very good slice of the porn life! When I was younger I used to go to crazy places like that. Now older and not as adventurous I miss it.
There is a Mexican Tehano bar in downtown San Jose that has an upstairs ballroom that has Vietnamese transvestite and drag queen Thursdays Karaoke. I may have to go.

Canda said...

As for the guy reading the book, I guess he was hoping to entice one of the porn ladies who liked an intellectual.

Jay said...

The guy reading the book was Luke Ford an "interesting" character from the early days of porn blogging. Kind of a Matt Drudge-esque guy.

Mister Charlie said...

Funny stuff, and the putative Ken blog was born!

VP81955 said...

Don't recall this one, but when I saw the topic, I thought in the back of my mind, "Will he do a 'Down On Me' reference?" You did not disappoint.

It's funny -- when I began Carole & Co. in June 2007, I thought the entries generally would be photos of the lovely Lombard in some capacity (swimsuit pics, portraits, leg art, etc.). But before the month was out, I did a two-part series on Carole's various radio appearances, using the history of radio in classic Hollywood as a tie-in. (The turning point probably was the arrival of "Lux Radio Theater" from New York in June 1936, not long after the costs of transcontinental radio hookups sharply diminished.) Within two years, network radio had gone west in a big way, resulting in the magnificent Columbia Square on Sunset Boulevard, the still-missed NBC studios down the street and so on. Writing these entries led me to more and more of Lombard-related research, and eventually my move west.

For those interested, the stories are still up at http://carole-and-co.livejournal.com/3807.html and http://carole-and-co.livejournal.com/4082.html

Mud Stuffin said...

You should go back and see what's new, especially now that most of us are armed w/camera phones and Blue Cross.

D.P. Cooper said...

Karaoke and bukkake: two great tastes that taste great together!

sumerlad said...

Thanks to the followers of this site, a few days ago I learned something about I Love Lucy and today, I learned what bukkake is. Thank you, everyone.

Fred Squertz said...

Lucille Ball could have done a HILARIOUS assembly line bukkake scene.

Tallulah Morehead said...

So anal sex in the bathrooms was OK? What a relief.

H Johnson said...

In honor of reading your blog for at least 7 of those ten years I will begin ten days repeating my comments (in no particular order)...

1. That's great Ken! What's a show runner?

Aloha

Rock Golf said...

One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.


In the years since, Diana Degarmo did appear in a touring cast of "Hair", and yes, she went nude with the rest of the cast in the finale.
So maybe she took your advise.