Monday, February 15, 2016
My non-review of THE REVENANT
Delighted moviegoers are applauding and vomiting. It’s making money at the boxoffice. I’m sure there’s been a rush on First Aid kits.
But I don’t want to see five minutes of it. From what I hear the cinematography is stunning, the performances are riveting, and it’s a real celebration of man’s strength and courage.
Who wants to see someone buried alive (other than certain presidential candidates), a brutal rape scene, bear mauling, eating disemboweled animals – that’s entertainment?
THE REVENANT may just be the worst date movie ever.
I’m sure the popularity of this film breaks down along gender lines. I guarantee they are fewer women in a sold out performance than an Andrew Dice Clay concert.
I’m just not into survival flicks. James Franco eating his hand or whatever. Robert Redford clinging to a piece of driftwood in the ocean for six years. Tom Hanks giving up Helen Hunt for a volleyball. I like outdoor movies where the hero rents a cabana. This is not just a “guy movie” – it’s “the other guy movie.”
But here’s what I really think: Lots of dudes who say they saw and loved THE REVENANT didn’t see it all. But they’re way too macho to admit that. Not me. I’m man enough to say “Eeeeeeuuuwwwww.”
From what I hear about this film and how rugged the filming was, the real message here might be there is nothing the human spirit can’t overcome and accomplish despite horrendous odds and utter hopelessness. But then comes that unimaginable moment of triumph, pride, and perseverance… when Leo DiCaprio finally wins his Oscar.
I'll still pass.