Monday, June 06, 2016
My new favorite cheesy reality show
This is a dating show on the GSN where one person chooses between three hopefuls, but the hook is they all have negative “baggage” – even the person doing the choosing. And along the way, universal human questions are explored, like how stupid are people, how much are people willing to humiliate themselves just to be on fringe television, how much lower can peoples’ standards be, and how does Jerry Springer still have a career?
Basically the show is THE DATING GAME for Trump supporters.
There was a Playboy model who does bird calls. Her baggage was that she’s a four-time runaway bride. Another willowy young woman was abducted by aliens...twice.
A neuroscientist going for his doctorate wore medieval gloves on dates (but who doesn’t?). His large baggage was that he’d been in over sixty pornos (the standard prerequisite for becoming a neuroscientist).
Other notable baggage from episodes gone by:
I’m still a virgin
I was in a three year relationship with my friend's dad
The only woman I've ever loved is Lindsay Lohan
I enjoy full-blown clown sex
I was a Barbarian king in a past life
I wear a mankini to show off my taco tattoo
I’ve been charged 3 times for indecent exposure (and that wasn’t his big baggage)
I’m afraid of women with un-whitened teeth
I sleep with a ski mask on
I hold my cat during sex
I keep a portable urinal in my car
I make jewelry out of my own teeth and skin
I love smelling my ear wax
I used to be a pimp
I'm afraid of the sun
I cry at THE BACHELORETTE
I plan to adopt 10 kids
I sent a sex tape of my ex to her mother
I was rejected from a sperm bank
I still play with my transformers
Homeless people sleep on my couch
I’m obsessed with my reflection
I urinated in an ex's gas tank
I pick food from my date’s teeth
My mom kicks my dates out of bed
I’ve had 3 restraining orders against me for stalking
I have two neck piercings
I’m a three-minute man
But maybe my favorite was “I locked my ex in the trunk of my car” and he was selected.
This show apparently has been airing for several years. To me, a deal-breaker would be “I’ve never missed an episode of BAGGAGE.” The girl who was abducted by aliens? Well, she’s kinda hot.