Earlier in the week I reviewed BAGGAGE and a number of readers reminded me that I used to do more of these and they missed them. Thank you. So today I thought I'd re-post one of my favorites. This is from six years ago. In honor of the Playboy Mansion having just been sold, let's look back at THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE. Enjoy.
know me, always on the lookout for truly jaw dropping reality shows.
Well, last night I came across a great one: THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY
HOUSE on E!
You’re all invited to swing by the Playboy Mansion
and meet the former Playmates who inhabit this on-site dormitory called
The Bunny House. Inside you’ll find nine or ten of the dumbest female
creatures ever to inhabit the earth and their far-more-intelligent
little doggies. Never before has so much silicone and so little brains
been assembled under one roof.
I assume this is all just part of the Mansion’s zoo, which also includes peacocks, rabbits and spider monkeys.
the level of conversation: A bunch of these airheads are in the pool.
One asks the following deep philosophical question: “For a million dollars would you have a three-inch penis on your head and you can never conceal it?” The consensus: Yes. One girl said she’d just get a collection of hats thus clearly not understanding the meaning of “you can never conceal it”.
Question two: “Would you ever get a dude’s name tattooed on you?” Overwhelming majority: No! That’s obviously far more objectionable than a penis on your head.
the searing episode last night a new girl was invited to the house for a
bar-b-que. She was so nervous. I was nervous that the bunny who was
grilling burgers would put her hand on the grill not comprehending the
concept of “hot”.
big moment was when Hef arrived. Picture the Crypt Keeper in a red
bathrobe and sailor’s hat. He must’ve weighed less than any of the
girl’s breasts. It was Popeye at 200.
Hef had a big decision to
make – which two girls were going to share the master bedroom? One
girl needed it because she required all the closet space for her
wardrobe. They showed the closet. It’s the size of the Kennedy Center.
How many thongs and short shorts must this girl have?
“How do you get
invited to live in the Bunny House?” the newbie asked. Well, you have
to be a Playmate (Drat! That leaves out Nancy Pelosi.). Unsaid was you
must have bazooms the size of Macy’s Parade balloons and the IQ of a
pencil box. The newest tenant said she wrote Hef a letter telling him
she had no friends or family and nowhere really to go. How long did it
take to get back to her? Six months.
Six months??? Then where the hell was she living in the meantime? My guess is Mr. Superfly’s Pimp House. Look for that show on Court TV.
For part two of this episode they all went to Vegas for the gala Playmate of the Year formal introduction.
Hope (the winner) and her zany bunny friend Jade went the night
before to get a good night’s sleep. Yeah, right. Jade was a baaad
influence. She convinced Hope to go out, party, get shit faced, and
then accompany her to a tattoo parlor to try to get her ex-boyfriend’s
initials removed from her lip. His name was Brody Jenner so that’s
right – she had B.J. tattooed
to her lip. If I were her I would have kept it. Just as Sarah Palin
(who would make a great den mother to this sorority) wrote crib notes on
her hand, this way Jade could look in the mirror and always remember
what her lips were for.
Poor Playmate of the Year, Hope. She had to write a speech for the big event. All she could
come up with was a half page of incoherent scribbling on a crumpled
sheet of legal paper. She must’ve been working on it for a month.
Thankfully her best friend Jade came to her rescue, telling her to just
speak from the heart then ripping up the speech and eating (yes eating) it.
big show the next night was a huge hit you’ll be relieved to hear.
Hef, now in clothes (looking like a well-dressed camp survivor) beamed
as Hope vowed to make him proud. That means what? Do anything short of having John Edwards’ baby?
Miss Fresh Meat and her little yapping mutt were invited to move into the Bunny House and all was right with the world.
We see Hef in bed (with his
little pooch) and he’s still not sure just who should occupy the master
bedroom. Uh oh! Hellzapoppin’ next week! Talk about a cliffhanger!
Expect things to turn really ugly as these girls gouge each others eyes
out for that extra closet space.
THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE
– just like a three-inch penis on your head; it’s useless but you just
can’t take your eyes off of it.