Saturday, November 12, 2016

Because I just wanted to post something funny

This is a re-post from six years ago.  After this past surreal week I just wanted to post something funny.   No redeemable content whatsoever.  So I dug up one of my favorite humor pieces from the past -- my review of the 2010 AVN Awards Show.  These are the porn industry's equivalent of the Oscars. And believe it or not, they were aired on SHOWTIME. 

WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal."   In other words, I'm not taking the high road today.  I'm just doing whatever it takes to get some laughs.  I can't speak for you, but I NEED them today.  So journey back to 2010.  And by the way, everything I report here -- every quote, every movie title, every award category is transcribed verbatim.   And THAT'S what makes it funny.  
Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year!

The evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because “He likes to have sex with women.”

Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?

Also co-hosting was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment, “Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.

One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”

Sasha Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.

Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.

Dave Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.

Kagney Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same ceremony.

Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist. Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”

Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”

I'm not making any of this up. Honest.

Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.

Performing anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.

There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??

I did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??

Sunny Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great, although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never gets that kind of great information out of the stars.

I love who gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said, “Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans. “You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.” When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?

Several awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed… “Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5, “Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,

One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??

But my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award. One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still remember his lines.”

Poetry. Sheer poetry.

17 comments:

JW said...

Mission accomplished. Thank you, Ken.

Peter said...

Best Anal. Probably the only category where that perennial of Oscar acceptance speeches, "what an incredible journey this has been", would be appropriate.

B.A. said...

In contrast to the grace and wisdom we see at a respectable awards show, like the People's Choice Awards?

Ken Levine said...

Note to readers. I'm deleting any comments today referring to the election. Not that they're inappropriate or not funny, it's just that -- I'm so fucking sick of the election and just don't want this comment thread to get into the same election debate I've had for four days. So it's nothing personal but the point of this post is to escape the horror of the last week.

Thanks for understanding.

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

...I had no idea Ron Jeremy was a dress designer.

Astroboy said...

Dave Navarro's current girlfriend is Andrea Tantaros. She's an ex-Fox News Conservative commentator who is one of the women accusing Roger Aisles for sexual harassment and suing Fox News. For some reason this seems important, I don't know why.....

Peter said...

Ken, if you want some escapism from recent events, go and see Doctor Strange. It's got great action and special effects but more than that it's also very, very funny. Benedict Cumberbatch is terrific and has wonderful chemistry with Rachel McAdams.

Breadbaker said...

I believe Mr. Jeremy has designed for Pearl Jam and the Lovin' Spoonful.

Dixon Steele said...

I've worked with Dave Navarro and he's actually a very nice guy.

Attel is a real porn lover and has hosted his own cable show about it...

D. McEwan said...

I can't wait to see Melania tRump hand out the "Governor's Award" at next year's ceremony. I'm sure she remembers her roots.

Pat Reeder said...

To be fair to the porn actress, there have been many times when I've seen an actress (or actor) win some award and thought, "They must be really talented at oral sex."

Horny Archerd said...

The AVN's are the only awards show where it's not possible to thank the little people.

Rick said...

And also 10cc.

Donald Benson said...

Sketch idea: Actress goes to porn producer's office for an audition. He offers her the lead role in "Finding Nympho VIII" ... IF she read scenes from real movies for him -- you know, act. She finds this perverse and degrading. He convinces her all the great porn stars did some acting to get ahead. Some plausible dialogue here, a punchline there. A hint of a character, even. She reluctantly buttons up her blouse and takes the script he offers her.

"One more thing, baby. I like it ... subtle, with an emphasis on vocal nuance."

CRL said...

'I'd like to thank my Mom and Dad...... Weren't they great in that scene?'

Tom said...

I am not a professional comedy writer so all can do is surmise that there must be a joke somewhere in the fact that this event was held at The Palms.

VP81955 said...

There's a bus stop sign out now about dream therapy, and its two-line message includes a reference to "analyze" your dream...yet the word is broken down into "anal-" and "yze," even though there's plenty of room on the bottom deck to run the word in full. Wonder why...