Saturday, November 19, 2016

Levine's Laws

I find these laws to be self evident…

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

Theatre audiences will always boo an Adam Sandler trailer yet he will keep getting movies.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.
A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from forwarding it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Sarah Chalke is in.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.

And of course, my most famous law...

The lead-off walk always comes around to score... unless it doesn't.   (I've never been proven wrong.)

27 comments:

ScarletNumber said...

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

I once refused to tip a waiter for demonstrating this law.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

That's because good-looking is a self-evident criterion.

Astroboy said...

Yeah, mohel's always think they are on the cutting edge of comedy.

Richard Y said...


"If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong."

And if it does get written down - will still often get it wrong.

Richard Y said...

"The driver in front of you is an idiot." - - ALWAYS!!!!

VP81955 said...

The lady in my avatar wishes to correct you: "When a couple from the mainland honeymoons in Hawaii, the marriage doesn't last."

Carole knows from personal experience, and her marriage to William Powell; they married in Los Angeles in June 1931, then sailed to Honolulu, where she took ill and things went downhill after that. (Thankfully, they discovered they made better friends than lovers -- it paid off for her when Powell insisted she, and not the flighty Constance Bennett, be the female lead in "My Man Godfrey." When Bill fell ill following Jean Harlow's death, Lombard helped look after him until he fully recovered.)

Todd Everett said...

Hell, I'd pick up any pilot Sarah Chalke was in, and I'm not even a network.

Buttermilk Sky said...

"The driver in front of you is an idiot." That rings a bell...oh, yes: "Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot. Anyone driving faster than you is a maniac." (George Carlin)

The toilet paper always runs out in the middle of the night.

tb said...

If you sit down on an empty beach, the next group of people will plop down right next to you

John Hammes said...

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Anonymous said...

The meter always takes every form of payment except the one you happen to have in your wallet.

Sean

sanford said...

I am guessing you were being a bit sarcastic about the walk always scoring. Generally doesn't lead to good things. Neither does walking the pitcher.

Mike H. said...

What the hell is a "mohel"?

Wally said...

A shot in the dark, an Emmy out a window -- the 'seduction' of JD Salinger by a TV writer

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/11/21/the-film-jd-salinger-nearly-made?mbid=social_twitter

Ted said...

Mike H. said... What the hell is a "mohel"?

--If you didn't find out when you were eight days old, you're better off not knowing.

Cap'n Bob said...

I got married in Hawaii and 26 years later I'm still married to the same woman.

My sports law: Whoever wins the 5th game wins the World Series, unless one team sweeps it in four.

Anonymous said...

to tb: When you sit down on an empty beach the next group will plop down next to you AND start throwing a football around. Janice B.

Exile in Philly said...

It's not food that causes turbulence on airplanes, it's going to the restroom. Never fails.

Anonymous said...

Who knew you went to slasher movies?

-30-

Johnny Walker said...

Johnny Walker's Law remains:

The longer an online disagreement between Americans goes on, it takes one step closer becoming political. No matter what the original subject.

Although now this law seems more depressing than ever.

Bill said...

Really, what is a mohel ?

Pat Reeder said...

My rule involving marriage that's always proven to be true in my experience is that the more money is spent on the ceremony, the less likely the marriage is to last. That's why my wife and I got married in the park and had the reception in her mom's living room. That and we didn't have any money to spend.

I second your rule about newspapers. Also, having been, for some reason, close to a lot of people who've made news over the years, I can attest that I've never seen a news article on anything I knew about personally that didn't contain at least one glaring error. This all started in college, when my then-girlfriend's best friend died in a tragic accident that made statewide news. Not a single reporter got her name right.

Grant said...

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

OMG YES.

Shaun S said...

The woman in front of you at the supermarket will put her money in her purse and then her handbag instead of taking one step to the side to allow the next person to be served. Only women do this, I have years of retail experience.

opimus said...

I thought they did it for the tips.

benson said...

I quote the lead off walk rule all the time, and have have adapted it to other things, much to the amusement and annoyance of friends and family.

Also, not original, but so very true....

There are three kinds of people in life. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Anonymous said...

Remember the Bris episode of Seinfeld? Janice B.

Joe Blow said...

Ted and Bill

A Mohel is a person who performs the Jewish rite of circumcision.