Finally in print: My bitchy snarky Oscar review

As promised, here's the text of my Oscar review. You can hear it on my podcast. It's better when you hear it.

The Academy Awards celebrated its 90th edition by being 90 minutes too long. Jimmy Kimmel did a nice job, there were a few laughs, more preaching than a Baptist service, little in the way of surprises and suspense, and for the most part, well… so dull I thought I was watching THE PHANTOM THREAD.

Cary Grant never won an Oscar. But Kobe Bryant now has. In this year of #MeToo and #TimesUP movements, I guess the Academy forgot about his rape charges in Colorado. But hey, he was the youngest player in the NBA to score 31,000 points.

Meanwhile, last year’s winner Casey Affleck was nowhere to be seen and Kevin Spacey didn’t appear in the Best Actor montage. It’ll be interesting to see if they ultimately make it into the “In Memoriam” section when their time comes, or maybe there will be a special section for #ThemToo/#TimesUp.

I’m guessing the ratings will be abysmal since fewer people saw all of the Best Picture nominees combined than the “Watch what whipped cream does in a vacuum cleaner” YouTube video. And the Oscarcast was longer than the actual Dunkirk rescue.

More on the ceremony later, but first a look at the Red Carpet shows.

It was unclear how many stars bypassed Red Carpet host Ryan Seacrest because of his sexual abuse allegations. This is like letting Mel Gibson host the Red Carpet show for the B’nai Brith Awards. But stars that did snub him included Jennifer Garner, Mira Sorvino, Viola Davis, Ashley Judd, Margot Robbie, Sandra Bullock, and all of the women nominated for Best Actress. His only interview for the first 45 minutes was with Sophie Carson, host of All-Access. Then he got music people like Diane Warren, Mary J. Blige, and Miguel. Oh, and Kelly Ripa. Yeah, motion picture superstar Kelly Ripa came over.

E! instituted a 30 second time delay on their Red Carpet coverage. This from a network where it’s okay to say “shit!” And 30 seconds is more than enough time for any actress to change her position twice. ABC and E! are standing behind Ryan… for the moment. But applications are being accepted for all eighteen of his jobs. And did you notice during the Oscarcast, in all the AMERICAN IDOL promos, he wasn’t pictured or mentioned once. Will he ultimately take the fall? We’ll know next year if Brian Dunkleman returns to host AMERICAN IDOL. (By then it might be on its third network – Buzzr.)

But the good news for Ryan is this finally puts to rest that pesky rumor that he’s gay.

Meanwhile, over at KTLA Channel 5, not a lot of star power there either. Hosted as always by footstool to the stars, Sam Rubin and 12 pound co-host, Jessica Holmes they were in mid Oscar-season form. Sam introduced Raphael Saadiq and Tara Stinson as “Raphael Saadiq and your friend here.” Worse was when he said, “Here’s Bradley Whitford and two of his co-stars.” He meant Lil Rel Howery and Betty Gabriel. But even KTLA had no idea who they were. They posted the graphic “Cast of Get Out.”

They interviewed Eva Marie Saint who at 93 still weighs more than Jessica Holmes. Sam said she was 92. Then he said to Ms. Saint (my neighbor, by the way), “Many people are teary today having read Steve Lopez’s story in the LA Times all about you” to which she said, “No, it was about my husband.” Oh well, at least he knew who Eva Marie Saint was. I think he did. He didn’t call her Jane Fonda.

This year’s show was heavy on issues. Dreamers, diversity, immigration, gun control, women’s rights. There are two ways to achieve these lofty goals – educate and change the mindset of millions of Americans or remove one man from office.

Remember at the Golden Globes all the women wore black in support of #MeToo. Supposedly the Academy asked that they didn’t do that for the Oscars so of course they caved and all came in bright colors. In Hollywood, “conviction” means making Aquaman even though there are a billion superhero movies already. Usually, part of the snarky fun of my reviews is taking shots at the horribly dressed women, but this year I’ll be called sexist and racist and a body-shamer so I’ll refrain. Unlike you who probably took vicious shots in your living room of Andra Day who wore shower curtains, and Kelly Ripa whose train made it look like she was dragging a clown. You can say those things. I no longer can. It would be wrong for me to suggest that Jennifer Lawrence looked like she worked the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard and LaBrea.

Randy Thomas did an excellent job as the Oscar announcer. More diversity is great unless you have to pronounce all those names. Miraculously, she did and did them perfectly… although who the hell would know?

Jimmy Kimmel’s opening monologue had some good jokes. Giving away a jet ski to the winner with the shortest acceptance speech was fun. But if they really wanted to shorten the program by a half hour – don’t put the creative arts people in the back rows. Or at least provide Bird scooters for the visual arts and make up winners to get to the stage while Faye Dunaway is still awake.

Kimmel mentioned that only two Academy members have ever been expelled. Harvey Weinstein and actor Carmine Caridi (for sharing screeners). As a result of Caridi, housekeepers and gardeners no longer decide the Oscar winners.

I was happy with most of the results, although I was rooting for Woody Harrelson. Of former CHEERS cast members, Woody has the best shot of winning an Academy Award. Unfortunately, in the pool, I have “Man Who Said Sinatra.”

Best Director, Guillermo del Toro seems like a genuinely nice man. Sally Hawkins had to really trust a director to have sex with a fish. (I bet there’s a whole section for that on Pornhub.)

Best single line of the night: Winner Allison Janney: “I did it all by myself.”

Looking spectacular this year was Gal Gadot, Jennifer Garner (Ben Affleck is an idiot), Margot Robbie, and Eiza Gonzalez.

Do you think Kobe Bryant would have won if he were a Celtic?

God bless Eva Marie Saint and Rita Moreno. Ms. Saint was elegant and added a real touch of class to the affair. She got a standing ovation even though two-thirds of the audience had no idea who she was. Ms. Moreno wore the same dress she wore in 1962 when she won. Anyone who can fit into the clothes they wore in 1962 deserves a second award.

In a pathetic attempt to attract younger viewers. The latest STAR WARS cast was carted out as presenters. It’s like when Ed Sullivan brought out Topo Gigio “for all you youngsters.” By the time the STAR WARS cast was announced it was too late. Their target audience was watching BOB’S BURGERS.

Many of the speeches were heartfelt. Even though I didn’t know them or anyone they were thanking. But you realize you’re watching the greatest moment of their lives, which is wonderful… until it becomes the greatest five moments.

Frances McDormand had the speech of the night. It was insane. But fun in that “Dennis Hopper as King Koopa in SUPER MARIO BROTHERS” way. She left the stage (eventually) with two words: Inclusion Rider. My two words: What’s that?

Was the bit where Jimmy and a bunch of stars went next door to unsuspecting people in a movie theatre really funny on its own or just because it was a break from the endless tedium at the Dolby Theatre? It gave more camera time to Gal Gadot so that was a plus, but these bits and lengthy movie montages felt like padding a show that was already hopelessly long. Other than Paul Thomas Anderson, who thinks that’s a good thing?

Sandra Bullock looks terrific in any light. Am I allowed to say that?

Viola Davis came as Diana Ross. Am I allowed to say that?

Jesus, it’s the Academy Awards. For the Best Song performances get singers who can sing. Both “The Mystery of Love” and “Remember Me” singers sounded like a cat getting a bath. Kudos to Mary J. Blige, Andra Day, and Keala Settle for crushing it during their tunes. Of course they all lost.

Have you ever seen more standing ovations in your life? Christopher Walken got one for still having a career after PETER PAN LIVE. Mexico got one for not being the United States.

Harvey Weinstein survivors Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra, and Salma Hayek gave a passionate speech on the need to end sexual abuse (even though I’m not sure I know the meaning of “intersectionality”), and introduced a moving but heavy-handed short film on the movement. But here’s the thing: Don’t show it to us. Show it to studio heads. They’re the ones who can do something about it. We tweet and like the tweets.

I could not fast forward through the ROSEANNE trailer fast enough.

Credit to conductor Harold Wheeler and his expert musicians. They had to play hundreds of music clips with zero notice. There’s no time for sheet music.

Tiffany Haddish was funny. Maya Rudolph… stood next to Tiffany Haddish.

I say this every year: The “In Memoriam” segment should never cut away from full-frame shots of the people being remembered. And when you watch it, don’t you always wonder who’s going to be last? For my money it should have been John Mahoney… who they left out completely.

Another reason why ratings will likely crater – There was a time when Tom Hanks was a presenter. And Clint Eastwood. And Elizabeth Taylor. And Jack Nicolson. Now it’s Wes Studi and Danielle Vega.

Greta Gerwig now joins Lena Dunham as former “Flavors of the Month.” But I eagerly await Greta’s next project. She’s smart, talented, and not an attention whore. For example, I bet Greta won’t tell the world when she’s having a hysterectomy.

Best Actor winner Gary Oldman thanked everyone but his four former wives.

My daughter Annie points out that if the Best Editing winner gives a long speech they should take away his award.

How many times did they cut to someone in the crowd and you said, “Who’s that?” Next year that’s my Oscar drinking game and I figure to be smashed by Best Sound Mixing.

Meryl Streep has become the new Jack Nicholson. She sits front row center in a bright red dress and everyone pays homage to her from the stage. A survey showed that over the last 12 years more actresses have thanked Meryl Streep than God. And the ones that didn’t are now on the Disney Channel.

I hate when presenters single people out while announcing the nominees. “Four directors and Greta Gerwig!” “Four nominees and one trailblazing woman!” Greta and the trailblazer receive big applause but it’s disrespectful to the other nominees, who are just as deserving or more deserving. And this year two of those non-trailblazers won.

Great to see Faye Dunaway & Warren Beatty again – Hollywood’s version of Sarah Palin & Dan Quayle. They got a standing ovation for being lucid. At least this year they announced the right winner. Anything but THE PHANTOM THREAD.

At the end of the day I envied those people who were in the theatre across the street. They got to see a movie, Gal Gadot, and free Red Vines.

UPDATE:  The ratings set record lows.  Down 19% from last year's low ratings.   

UPDATE 2:  I'm traveling today so it might be a while until I post your comments.  But I will get to them.  Thanks.