Saturday, November 17, 2018

Weekend Post


The Thanksgiving holiday is the peak travel weekend of the year (in America. The rest of the world could give a rat’s ass about Thanksgiving.) So as a public service, here again (an annual tradition) -- and with a few additions -- are some travel tips:

Leave for the airport NOW.

Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay. Plus, the airlines now charge you for check-in luggage AND blankets. Pretty soon pressurized air will also be extra.

Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else. Even in the last row.

If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an earache and make everyone come to YOU.

Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport terminals for five days.

If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.

When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.


Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.

Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.

If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the fourth or fifth try they should have it down.

Watch the DVD of HOSTEL on your laptop. The bigger the screen, the better.

There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.

If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved seating never sit next to anyone who is already eating or reading Ann Coulter.

Before you fly to New York and have to negotiate JFK just remember – the parade is on TV. And it’s the same friggin' balloons as last year. The only difference is that the stars of NBC’s big new hit from last year, GREAT NEWS won’t be there (thank God).

Never pay to see an in-flight movie starring Debra Messing.

Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.

If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.

In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.

And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.

Happy trails to you all.

17 comments :

Joyce said...

The Tuck and Roll is not only valuable at the airport, but also works nicely when dropping someone off at the mall during Christmas shopping season. We refer to it as the "Mannix" roll.

Anonymous said...

Planes Trains and Automobiles is worth watching at any opportunity

Janet Ybarra said...

It's been a decade since I've been on an airplane and I can't say I regret it.

I'm old enough to remember when flying was actually enjoyable.

About 30 years ago, I was a college student on a 4-hour flight from Dallas. Only problem was, the travel agent (for you Millennials, a travel agent is kind of a Priceline.com on two legs) messed up my booking.

So when I showed up at the airport, it seemed my seat had left the day before.

No worry, though, the nice lady behind the ticket counter got me on a flight in seat 4B.

Now, I thought that was odd and figured it must be the first seat after first class. Well, I walk on to the plane and, no, 4B is IN first class. Now, remember, I was just a poor college student.

But before I know it, the flight attendant was upon me with champagne and a hot towel. I ate real food with real silverware.

*That* was flying.

The fact I don't participate with this bother today that they call "flying" doesn't disappoint me in the slightest.

Michael said...

Hertz calls it "preferred" because they like their customers so much, they prefer to spend more time with them.

My greatest flight was a cross-country, New York to Las Vegas, where I wound up next to a guy who told me he'd been in the airport for two days because he'd been on a pit crew in the Pocono 500 NASCAR race and they made him clean up before getting on board. He then told me he was a chain smoker and to get through the flight, he immediately ordered four beers. After that, he pulled out Guns 'n' Roses to listen to and, when I took out a book, said, "I think I'll do my reading," and took out a copy of Hustler. He asked if the flight to Las Vegas, due in at 11 p.m., would be on time, and I said it looked like it. He said, "Good. I have a connecting flight to Phoenix at midnight and a date with a chick at 2." I never imagined Putin would want to make him president.

Mike said...

Again with the Debra Messing. What is your problem, Kenneth? Is it a Jewish thing?

KB said...

"Great News" was the best comedy NBC has had in a long while. You'd rather see the cast of "I Feel Bad?" Nobody wants to see that.

YEKIMI said...

Last time I was on a flight was in 1982. Remember the stewardess going down the aisle offering beer and mixed drinks till she got to me and asked if I wanted a Coke. I looked at her and said I'll have a cocktail. She started laughing and I asked what was so funny. She said you have to be 21 to drink. I said to her "Good. I'm 24. Wanna see my ID?" She just turned red and mumbled "I thought you were 16." Yay for looking young![Took the Coke anyways.]

Joseph Scarbrough Puppet Productions said...

I'm honestly surprised that with this being such a big holiday travel weekend that gas has dropped down. We were at $2.45 for the longest time, now it's down to $2.29 . . . shocking, but I guess Trump is too wrapped up in . . . whatever else he's wrapped up in right now to care about gas prices. Knowing him, you'd think gas would jump up to close to $3.00.

Edward said...

***Friday Question***

When writing or reviewing a draft MASH script, how cognizant were you and David of making sure there were sufficient lines for Hawkeye? Was there a Hawkeye line quota for each episode? Did the producers ever say "Where is Hawkeye in this episode? He's the lead character, go back and revise the draft."


Andrew said...

Happy Jonestown Day, everyone!

Jeff Boice said...

A Warning about "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles": My brother and I saw the film in a theater in Chicago. The very next time we both flew- from separate cities to the West Coast to visit the parents on Christmas, both our flights were diverted. He ended up traveling the last 400 miles by bus. I spent a night at an airport motel. We concluded the film jinxed us.

Pat Reeder said...

My wife Laura and I flew from Dallas to North Carolina and back last weekend (music awards show where Laura was the big winner: album, video and female vocalist of the year. I digress, but too bad.) Anyway, the only flight I could get was Southwest. I dreaded it, but it turned out to be better than other airlines, at least going out there.

If you pay an extra $15, they check you in automatically, which gets you a spot in the first group to board and pick seats. Considering they give each passenger two checked-in bags free (which I couldn't believe), and I got an Internet deal that was half of what I pay American for the same trip, the $15 extra was nothing. Also, the plane to NC was a newly-redesigned plane with extra headroom. Astoundingly, it also had enough leg room for me to fit (I'm just over 6'1") and comfortable seats.

I was thinking this might be one of the best trips ever until the return, which turned out to be on one of their older planes inspired by sardine cans.

Best tip I can give anyone on air travel is to go to Seatguru.com and look up which plane will be making the trip you're eying. If you can wait a couple of hours and get a better plane, it will do wonders for your state of mind, not to mention your back and kneecaps.

Janet Ybarra said...

Congratulations to Laura!

Seriously, though, Ken is right: it's soon going to come to the point where the cabin is left depressurized and it will be up to you to buy an oxygen mask (if you want one).

Kaleberg said...

One piece of advice to consider if you travel more than almost never. Get TSA Precheck. It's $17 a year, and it means a shorter security line, you can keep your shoes on, and you can leave stuff in your bag. It's like time travel back the 1990s.

My last flight was great. We blasted out of Newark about two hours before that snowstorm on the east coast that shut down air travel. I remember waiting for the boarding call and watching the storm approach Philadelphia. We made it out with time to spare.

Anonymous said...

1. “In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children." - Robert Benchley
2. If you fear neither collisions with Harrison Ford, nor Jay Leno sightings, try Burbank’s airport
3. The suspicion is that somebody got a temporary lower gas price for the midterms in return for favors unknown.

Frank S said...

Very nice. Always a great read.
Stayed home this week.
Showed my 12 year old
The Slowest Gun In The West.
He was beside himself laughing. Coming up on Nat's 50th Anniversary in a couple weeks.
Thought I'd share.
Cheers, Mr Levine

Frank S said...

Very fun post. Thank you.

Showed my 12 year old 'The Slowest Gun In The West' tonight. He was beside himself with laughter.

In a few weeks, it will be Nat Hiken's 50th Anniversary. So happy to celebrate the man.

Cheers Mr Levine