Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Guest blogger: Abraham Lincoln

Hello, this is Abraham Lincoln. Ken is letting me guest blog today. I asked if I could just lob in some random thoughts and he said sure.

The difference between my White House and the current one is that the crazy spouse wasn’t the one who was president.

I don’t believe in labels. For instance – I’m way more than just a “vampire hunter.”

Note to current Commander-in-Chief: Stay out of my bedroom.

Why is it always the South?

Of all the actors who portrayed me in movies, my favorite was Gilbert Gottfried in A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST.

How many of you knew that Hannibal Hamlin was my Veep?

People remember speeches, not tweets.

Come to my monument. Bring the kiddies.

They used to call me Honest Abe. That’s one nickname they’ll never give the current guy.

I want to be remembered for two things: Being the greatest president in U.S. history, and Lincoln Logs. Those things are really fun!

If I had it to do all over, I’d lose the beard.

Boy was I right when I said “you can fool some of the people some of the time.”  Jesus! Do you people have eyes?

Everyone asks what I thought of Steven Spielberg’s LINCOLN. Meh. I only saw the screener. I suppose it’s better on the big screen but you know me and theaters.

I also said, “Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.” That’s right, Robert Mueller, I’m talking to you.

Lincoln Town Cars have more room. I’m just sayin’. 

And finally, subscribe to Ken’s podcast.

Sincerely,

Abraham Lincoln

21 comments :

Lemuel said...

Abe, are you getting royalties from the CGI penny in the car insurance commercials?

slgc said...

Fun Fact - Lincoln Logs were invented by John Lloyd Wright, who was the son of Frank Lloyd Wright -


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lincoln_Logs

Ray Barrington said...

Sorry Abe, your monument is closed for the duration.

Rashad Khan said...

Welp, you did it, "Abe." You made a joke about your own assassination. The final sacred cow is dead.

Michael said...

Well, I teach a course on Lincoln, and I plan to use this next time. Sorry, no royalties--Lincoln was a capitalist.

Wm. Adams said...

It might actually be fun to get "Honest Don" trending.

Coram_Loci said...

I also said, “Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.” That’s right, Robert Mueller, I’m talking to you.

Could be taking to Beria too.

Buttermilk Sky said...

Why do I never get credit for the Lincoln Tunnel? That was a hell of an engineering feat for the 1860s.

Also, Ken Burns never photographed me from my good side.

Roger Owen Green said...

No, I've seen you without the beard. You made the right choice AND you brought about a string of hirsute successors!

Anonymous said...

Hello Ken,

The timing of this is too funny- I was just reading about Lincoln. As for "I'd lose the beard.", one of the best stories about him IMHO is that an 11 year old girl by the name of Grace Bedell wrote him a letter in the fall of 1860 about his election chances: Your face is too thin, you need to grow whiskers.

As they say, the rest is history . . . . -LL

Cowboy Surfer said...

Nobody puts the ham in Abraham like Levine.

Ken you would be a good guest on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. And maybe Jerry would do your podcast...maybe not

Unknown said...

theater jokes??? Too soon. Too soon.

Breadbaker said...

As we learn in the first episode of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Bob Newhart had a routine where Abe wanted to lose the beard.

Jahn Ghalt said...

Michael (apparently a history prof/teacher) wrote:

Well, I teach a course on Lincoln, and I plan to use this next time.

and:

Sorry, no royalties--Lincoln was a capitalist.

The latter is a non-sequitor. Capitalism is NOT about stealing intellectual property. And 99% of it is voluntary and transactional - not "exploitation".

Donald Benson said...

* I also said, “Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.” *

Actually, that was screenwriter/director David Swift, who made it up for "Pollyanna". When he learned Disneyland had toy duplicates of the heroine's locket with that quote inside, credited to Lincoln, he had to break the news that it wasn't real. They pulled the lockets off the shelved.

A. Lincoln said...

What will convince them? This, and this only: cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right. And this must be done thoroughly - done in acts as well as in words. Silence will not be tolerated - we must place ourselves avowedly with them. Senator Douglas' new sedition law must be enacted and enforced, suppressing all declarations that slavery is wrong, whether made in politics, in presses, in pulpits, or in private. We must arrest and return their fugitive slaves with greedy pleasure. We must pull down our Free State constitutions. The whole atmosphere must be disinfected from all taint of opposition to slavery, before they will cease to believe that all their troubles proceed from us.

YEKIMI said...

I thought Lincoln Logs were what you found in the White House bathroom when Abe forgot to flush!

gottacook said...

The song "The Name Game" wouldn't have been half as fun without the verse "Lincoln, Lincoln, bo-Bincoln..."

YEKIMI said...

gottacook said...

The song "The Name Game" wouldn't have been half as fun without the verse "Lincoln, Lincoln, bo-Bincoln..."

Or, as us kids in elementary school sand it: "Truck, truck, bo-buck, bananana nana fo......."

TimWarp said...

@Donald Benson, you beat me to it!

Paul Duca said...

Mr. Lincoln...I am aware that you were willing to considering as an alternative to war, expatriating every black person to Africa. That basically is Trump's strategy.