Monday, June 22, 2020

Welcome to the Russian Roulette Cafe

Ready to risk your life to dine out?   Join us at the Russian Roulette Café for an evening of immediate gratification.   


There are health guidelines in place.  Tables must be six feet apart, waiters must wear cloth masks and plastic face shields, among other laws put into place to protect you and add to the festive atmosphere. 


Of course in Los Angeles, recently it was discovered that 50% of the restaurants are not complying.  So is our Russian Roulette Café one of them?   Roll the dice.  That’s part of the fun. 


If we’re not in compliance, we’re betting no one from the city will shut us down or even slap us on the wrist.   We feel this is a way safer bet than the one you’re taking. 


And if the protection laws aren’t being adhered to in the dining room where customers can see them, what do you think is happening in the kitchen?   But they must think you don’t care.   And Russian Roulette Café patrons don’t.    We count on it. 


Yes, it’s all a big gamble with a potentially fatal virus, but we at the Russian Roulette Café are betting you can’t go a couple of months without going to restaurants.   So far we’ve been right.  Business is booming.  


So what to order?   Might as well have fried chicken and Monte Cristo Sandwiches, fatty corned beef, onion rings, pancakes with lots of syrup, and mac and cheese.    Yeah, they’ll kill you, but not in two weeks.   And hey, if you’re braving the Russian Roulette Café you might as well be all in. 


So we’ll see you here.   Discount for AARP members! 



Brian Phillips said...

If this is going to be as successful as we both think it will be, I say we revive this record label:

Tom Asher said...

This whole pandemic thing has made me realize how much I don't miss things I took for granted, like going out to eat. I still get the food, whether contactless delivery or contactless pickup. Never cared for crowds in the first place, and now my definition of a "crowd" has become a much, much smaller number.

Lemuel said...

The Guardian's restaurant critics, Grace Dent and Jay Raynor, are finding creative ways to deal with lockdowns.

Brian Phillips said...

FRIDAY QUESTION: A baseball-comedy question. Have you ever commentated on a no-hitter? Also, which TV show have you directed that has had the least amount of retakes(a no-reshooter? No-taker?)?

sanford said...

This probably does not have much to do with your blog today. None the less I thought this was a good article about the trust of the Public Health System. While there is plenty of blame if you want to call it that. I think we would have fewer deaths and opened our economy earlier if we had some leadership in the beginning of this. Of course now we are seeing rises in the amount of cases in Arizona, Florida and other states because people didn't want to follow even minimum standards of wearing masks and keeping social distance.

Anonymous said...

Looking at the Russian Roulette Café menu,
we were pleased to see that all your animals are free range,
but it’s unclear as to whether they are properly masked
before expiring

blinky said...

The attention span of modern humans is similar to that of goldfish. Deadly virus...oooh french fries!

Daisy Mae said...

Hi, I know you mentioned that it would be difficult to write comedy about living through a pandemic. It seems like the below situation is a possible scenario for comedy gold...I'd read it.

Unknown said...

Does it serve COke or Pepsi products? Asking for a friend

Buttermilk Sky said...

There have been viral clusters around meat processing facilities (big one in Germany last week) which makes me think we don't know enough about how this virus travels. It's thought the original transmission was from the Wuhan wet market to humans. Do we know for sure that cooking kills this damn thing? Is it safe to eat anything? Russian Roulette indeed.

Bon appetit.

Mike Bloodworth said...

Unless you're heading to a destination restaurant such as the very high end, Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, La Scala (wink) or Little Tony's (double wink) it's not about the food. It's about the people. I mean wasn't that the whole idea of "Cheers?" I could drink at home alone. It's a lot cheaper than going to a bar. But that's supposed to be one of the signs of alcoholism. I can also cook at home. That's also less expensive.
But going out is mostly about the socializing. Getting together with friends for a Happy Hour or a meal to discuss the issues of the day or to just hang out.
And as broken down as I am I'm not too old to flirt with a cute waitress, sexy bartender or hot manager.

I'm not one of those that believes that COVID-19 is a hoax. Yet, there are risks in everything we do. As I've said in other places, living in Los Angeles statistically, I'm far more likely to die in a traffic accident than I am from the coronavirus.
I for one can't wait for the "New Abnormal" to be over and done with.

I'll have the mac & cheese, please.


Unknown said...

@Buttermilk the viral clusters at meat processing has nothing to do with the meat. The people cutting the meat stand next to each other, so it spreads that way. IF it gets on the meat, it probably won't live long, and if it survives to your fridge at home, I suggest cooking it, which will kill it. It is an air borne disease.

Kevin from VA said...

@Buttermilk the POTUS looks as if he's consuming massive amounts of Big Macs and so far appears to be free of COVID-19 so it's safe to say you won't get the virus from eating meat.

Anonymous said...

Here is Anaheim Hills, local restaurants were mobbed. Lines of close-shouldered patrons WITH NO MASKS were flaunted their Orange-Countiness.

And woe to those who question them. They have a litany of pre-prepared comebacks courtesy of their favorites media bubbles. They have been issued bullet points. To me, these people are no different than the nuts that open fire in public places--except even they don't confront you belligerently because "their side is right." Their should not be a side, as members of both parties and both reds and blues have said. But they are reveling in their junior high school "look at me strike a cool, defiant pose while I smoke cigarettes at the bus stop" thing.

There are many here who are trying to keep safe and following guidelines. You don't see us much because we're mostly inside or wearing masks and not hobnobbing.

The attitude toward older people is astonishing--and that is across the board. We're supposed to be tolerant, yet the general consensus is that "old people are more at risk" tranlated to "we won't hire you" "stay away from us" and "you are no longer a viable demongraphic" yet the virus is hitting all ages, all health levels, all people. But let's do what we've been quietly doing for the last several decades, legally dump on the people of a certain age because we won't get caught. We got caught with people of color so now we have to have corporate slogans while we let little kids slave away in far off countries. As long as we don't have to look. Both sides of the political spectrum have a lot to answer for before they congratulate themselves for tolerance when they continue to kick older people to the curb--now for "compassionate" excuses"-while taking care of their own demographic first. Pretty soon they'll have drinking fountains for Grandma.

MarkM. said...

1. Corporations are weighing risk vs reward. The latter always wins out. A few people die in our cars or from a virus? Cost of doing business.
2. The selfish attitude of people. Ready to throw the guy next to you overboard to get that Big Mac.

My father grew up in his teens with three years of rationing, food shortages, not going out after dark, and lack of entertainment. People of all generations, including mine, couldn't get past 3 months, never mind 36 months. Pathetic.

Steve Bailey said...

A couple of weeks ago, I took my son out for a birthday dinner to a local Outback Steakhouse. In its heyday, the place used to be jam-packed, and you'd have to wait an hour or so to get in. As soon as we drove up, two maitre d's stood at the entranceway yelling, "We're open! We're open! Come on in!" Between the dearth of customers and the six-feet-apart rule, the dinner felt more like a funeral wake.

Jeff Maxwell said...

i play golf. I eat where I play golf. Not any more. The dining facility is closed. A No Mask, No Play sign sits at the entrance to the course. But nobody except for me and two other people were wearing masks on the course. Most of them were 25-35 and appeared invincible. It was obvious they could care less if they got it or I got it. Thing is, if I get it, I’m probably dead. Okay, sure, you're outside on a golf course. Cabella Corona’s probably not swirling around the tee boxes. But who knows? Nobody.

I miss socializing and eating the mediocre food at the course cafe. I miss a lot. Even golf’s a little weird.

Or maybe I’m a little weird now. I don’t know.

I was at Ruth’s Chris Happy Hour once a week, at least. But it’s going to be a while. It just doesn’t seem as happy.

Ericka said...

That pandemic thingy is soooooooo last month. It's all about the protests now.

Anonymous said...

“living in Los Angeles statistically, I'm far more likely to die in a traffic accident
than I am from the coronavirus“

This seems a tired, reckless, self-centered analogy

Driving mishaps in LA are a risk shared consensually
by all who choose to drive here, and if you fail to make
a turn on Mulholland, no one else would be injured
save those in your vicinity.

However, if you pick up and consequently spread a virus
you contracted at a non-essential venue that practices
unsafe preventative procedures, the consequences of your
unnecessary risk-taking may be shared, non-consensuslly,
by hundreds you never met.

Dan Reese said...

Igor!! Sorry if I’ve never noticed you here before. :-)

Wendy M. Grossman said...

@Buttermilk: yes, we know the virus is not a foodborne illness.

I for one really miss Chinese food because the local takeout is in no way comparable to Chinatown. But London is sensibly closing a bunch of streets to cars so restaurants can move patrons outdoors. LA ought to be able to do that in at least some areas.


Wendy M. Grossman said...

PS: the best comment I've heard about the virus recently is that refusing to take precautions like wearing a mask is not driving without wearing a seatbest but driving drunk.