Charlie Hauck was a terrific comedy writer (FRASIER, MAUDE, etc.) and a hilarious author. Sadly, he passed away this year.
H
is
comic novel about a writing team launching a sitcom starring the diva
from hell is both hilarious and all-too-real. The book is called
ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES and well worth reading.
On one page he explains how you can tell a bad sitcom. Simple rules, worth repeating here.
1. Any show in which any character at any time during the life of the series says the words “Ta da!” is a bad sitcom.
2. Any show in which one character says to another, “What are friends for?” is a bad sitcom.
3. Any show in which a character says “Bingo!” in the sense of “Eureka!” is a bad sitcom.
4. Any show in which an actor or actress under the age of seven says cute things in close-up is a bad sitcom.
5. Any show in which an actor or actress over the age of seventy-five says vulgar things in close-up is a bad sitcom.
6.
Any show that resorts to the use of Dr. Zarkov dialogue (named for the
villain in the FLASH GORGON series, where one character tells another
character something they both already know, for the benefit of the
audience) is a bad sitcom.
7. Any show in which a character, in the closing minutes, says, “I guess we’ve all learned a lesson,” and then goes on to explain what that lesson is, is a bad sitcom.
And if I may add a few of my own:
8. Any show where the studio audience says “Awwwwww” and the producers leave it in is a bad sitcom.
9. Any show that makes a Willard Scott joke is a bad sitcom.
10.
Any show with opening titles that show close-ups of the cast and then
freeze frames to catch zany expression on each is a bad sitcom.
11. Any show with Jim Belushi is a bad sitcom.
UPDATE: Getting a number of commenters fact checking minor points and pointing out exceptions. I invite you to focus on the spirit and gist of the post instead. There are always exceptions to everything. I don't quite understand this need to dispute any opinion someone might have. Yes, there are exceptions. But you write a spec script trying to break into the industry and ignore these points and see how well you do. And then defend your rejected script by pointing out the exceptions.
47 comments :
I have to disagree about number 10. Barney Miller had that. :)
I'm sure this has come up before. Dr. Zarkov was not the villain, he was Flash Gordon's friend. Ming the Merciless was the villain. And in that case because that was a serial, they were constantly referencing things from other chapters for those watching who hadn't seen those chapters. Many serials even had an entire chapter where characters discuss things which had happened and used footage from those earlier chapters to explain how they all got to where they are now. They are literally called "recap chapters."
I usually see "Zarkov dialog" called "As you know, Bob"
Amusingly, Shakespeare even used this trope in one of his comedies.
As You Like It opens with this exchange:
"Good Monsieur Charles, what's the new news at the new court?"
"There's no news at the court, sir, but the old news: that is..."
The race is on to find examples of each in episodes of critically lauded sitcoms. ;-)
Jim Belushi's sitcom was/is horrible. My sister-in-law loves it, and always has it on her TV when we go to her place for Sunday Brunch. "According to Jim" was the sort of show that John Belushi doubtless would have hated, I think. Jim Belushi atoned for his awful sitcom when he appeared in Twin Peaks: The Return as one of the Mitchum brothers.
Ken, have you been back to the movies yet this year? If not, will you be going to see the new Bond movie and the Sopranos prequel?
Any sitcom scene where a character gets overheard insulting another character, and claims to have actually said something flattering that rhymes with the insult is a bad scene.
"I Love Lucy" has Little Ricky for a few seasons. Saying cute things in "close-up." Bad sitcom?
"The Andy Griffith Show's" early seasons have a very young Opie saying cute things in "close-up." Bad sitcom?
I think I have heard "ta dah" numerous times on "Will & Grace." Said humorously, of course. Bad sitcom?
Etc. etc.
@ Sue
Nope. That's a comedy tradition. How does that make the scene "bad"?
All of Mr. Hauck's points are valid, but there are notable exceptions: Mary Richards said "ta-da" in an ironic, understated way in the "Ted Over Heels" episode of the "Mary Tyler Moore" show, originally telecast on CBS Dec. 18, 1971.
Damn, there goes my idea about a cute kid who's a champion bingo player living in Eureka Springs.
I thought According to Jimwas pretty good, though I mainly watched it to see Courtney Thorne Smith and kimberly Williams wearing low-rise pants.
I see that many '70s leftover/survivors still can't forgive Jim Belushi for outliving his brother - indeed, for actually thriving in his wake! I mean, how dare he?
In the real world, had John Belushi not died, he would likely have made a few appearances on According To Jim - and would probably have been grateful for the work.
The Belushi family was always famously supportive of each other in all their endeavors; this continues up to the present day.
Looks like Artistic Differences by Charlie Hauck only sells for 80 bucks used.
Maybe his family can get it onto Kindle?
Any show of a certain vintage where a minor celebrity plays himself/herself, and the script insists he/she is insanely popular ("How can we get backstage passes for Jermaine Jackson's sold-out stadium concert?") and one of the show's regulars is abruptly and temporarily an obsessed fan ("Look! It's VAN JOHNSON!").
In time many celebrities -- even A-list -- would play along with mockery and even serve up unpleasant versions of themselves without exaggerated just-kidding winks. "Big Bang Theory" and "Married With Children" often had its characters being mean to guest stars, who were often presented as has-beens. But "Cybil" and "The Nanny" usually maintained the old model of flattery and/or winking.
A weird singularity was on "Mork and Mindy", when the title characters wrangled an interview with Red-Hot Superstar Robin Williams. Williams played himself as subdued and quiet, while Mindy and his alter-ego (via trick shots) advised him on dealing with the pressures of fame. It was uncomfortably like an intervention disguised as a sitcom episode.
A qualified exception to bad vintage shows would be Lucille Ball's various series, where A-listers gently mocked their images in support of Lucy's slapstick, and it generally worked out.
Bingo! also applies to drama. It was used once on an early episode of Law and Order. Very awkward. But it was, and still is, very funny in the first Naked Gun movie.
The need to dispute any opinion someone might have is all the rage. Such a sadness.
I agree with everything both you and the late Mr. Hauck said here, and finding out that he wrote "Maude's Dilemma" (aka "The One Where Maude Has an Abortion!") makes me even more impressed by him. I'd give double 'bad sitcom' points to "Full House" because the child who elicited the 'awwwwws' was beyond grating and artificial.
Anyway, as Hans Landa said in Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" (and I can use it because IG is NOT a sitcom) "That is a bingo!"
This is just my personal opinion, but any sitcom that is loved by critics and pseudointellectuals, yet no one watches is a bad sitcom. No matter how many awards or other accolades it receives. There are exceptions, however.
And as long as we're "fact checking," Mr. Hauck died last year; November 2020. (Winking emoji)
M.B.
"Any show in which a character says “Bingo!” in the sense of “Eureka!” is a bad sitcom."
Marlee Matlin said "Bingo!" in the SEINFELD episode "The Lip Reader," which was pretty funny...
Any sitcom, or dramatic show for that matter, using the tired old line "If I tell, then I'd have to kill you," is a bad show.
@maxdebryn
What??!! Disputing opinions is as old as life itself. Thus, "opinions."
Any sitcom that relies almost exclusively on dating episodes is a bad sitcom.
I'm starting to notice a few in dramas, too:
1) When someone says they're going to do something bad and the hero says "Not gonna happen", it's a bad drama.
2) When someone is explaining their emotional state and the hero says "Look, I get it", it's a bad drama.
3) When someone is laying there in seventeen pieces and the hero grabs their hand (attached or not) and says "You're gonna be alright", it's a bad drama.
My list for dramas is if anyone says the lead character
1) is the best there is
2) doesn't play by the rules
3) isn't like the rest of us
You'll hear all three in every current network drama. I desperately wanted to like Queen Latifah's Equalizer, but it hit all those notes in the pilot and I was done.
So this relates to writing a spec script. So then, I've now learned it would be best to avoid each of these gaffes. Any established, well written and produced TV show could get away with all of these. The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Andy Griffith Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Barney Miller, Golden Girls, Frasier, Cheers, The Brady Bunch.
As Mike Brady himself might say at this point, I guess we've all learned a lesson. That is, when we dispute any opinion someone might have, we're really just disputing our own opinion. Now, is that the opinion we want to have opinioned?
My all-time favorite line of bad dialogue is from the first episode of FLASH GORDON. As Doctor Zarkov's rocket ship leaves Earth heading to the planet Mongo, he turns to Flash and Dale Arden at one point and says, "We just passed the Death Zone." No mention of the Death Zone before this moment, so no suspense! I guess Flash should have replied, "Well, I'm glad you didn't tell me earlier."
I think Cheers did the majority of these...
Mr. Levine...you're right. Mr. Hauck's points are well-taken and should be heeded by aspirants. My earlier post today was silly and nitpicky, and I'm sorry for it.
@Necco - It was a joke. Geez... do I have to put a "winking eye" emoji ?
Here’s my favorite. When two side characters (think Potsie and Ralph) enter the main set. Ralph: “I can’t believe you did that.’ Potsie: ‘Can’t believe I did what?’ Then a whole comedic argument ensues that SHOULD have occurred earlier…on the ride over at the very least. Not held off for the audience’s benefit.
It took me a long time to acknowledge "Friends" was even a well crafted show because it seemed like whenever I turned it on in its early years it featured a trope that I HATE, to wit:
Two people usually of the same sex are say reaching for keys that fell into the couch and end up in a contorted position and someone else enters the room and everyone is embarrassed because it looks like the two people are engaged in gay or kinky sex.
Is there a name for this bit of business?
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that had John Belushi lived on, he would have been grateful for the work on his brother's show.
@maxdebryn
No, I don't require emojis. Lame joke.
The inclination to cite exceptions to general never-do-this type rules is natural, and perhaps those sorts of rules should best be understood as "If at all possible, do not do this" rather than the more absolute "never do this." But the advice is generally sound.
And it even extends to non show-business business. I recall when I was a number-cruncher analyst for my job, part of my job occasionally involved doing charts and graphs for executives. We had a rule of thumb: Never Use a Pie Chart. The rationale being that any data that you're tempted to visualize with a pie chart could better & more clearly be visualized in some other way. I think only once during my whole stint in that job did we have an instance where a pie chart was the best option to visualize the data, and so we went for it. But I still wholeheartedly believe that pie charts are overused and often better replaced, and that one instance doesn't invalidate the general rule.
The difference, I suppose, is that folks aren't as inclined to readily cite good-pie-chart counterexamples as they are of good-exceptions-to-the-rule TV shows & movies. :)
To his point #10, I don't mind the freeze frames during the intro, but it drives me crazy when I see an intro with zany overacting for each person (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V15D6Ngh73A). Same for any intro where the actor/actress turns to mug at the camera after something wacky happens to them. The other points basically sum up every TGIF sitcom from the mid-90s. In their defense, the target audience was any kid under 12.
Maybe an extension of point #6: one problem I have with shows nowadays is the need to spell out a punchline. It's so many jokes that could be brilliant if the writers didn't feel the need to explain like we're 5. Family Guy has become guilty of this in recent years.
Any show where a character says "Welcome to my world."
My comment above about the Belushi family seems to have been selectively interpreted by some of you, so let this serve as a clarification (sort of):
John Belushi was born in 1949 - one year before I was.
In 2021, he would have been 72 years old.
If John Belushi had made it to his seventies - indeed, if he'd even made it to his forties or fifties - does anyone really believe that he would have continued to get away with the aggressively antagonistic behaviors that he displayed during his heyday?
Bearing in mind that those behaviors were at least a contributing factor towards his early death?
Roger Ebert once called Belushi "the most enabled man of his generation"; the documented evidence shows that more than a few of his enablers were wearying of the task.
So if John Belushi had "reformed", there were still quite a few bridges he'd burned - and those he'd left in the dust would have had to be plenty forgiving to let him back into the show, even in bit parts ...
Many of you can likely come up with examples from the past of stars who messed up their careers and had to work their way back into favor; John Belushi would have been no different - and few if any get back all the way.
That's what I was talking about - that and the (in my view) pointless hostility toward brother Jim, for simply having outlived John.
These are great. It’s worth pointing out that Charlie Hauck created “Valerie”, which became “The Hogan Family” and violated some of his rules. But I don’t believe he was involved with that show beyond the pilot episode. Too bad - they could have used him.
Friday question: Ultimately isn't it more important to have a popular sitcom than a 'good' one? For all the dumping on Jim Belushi and "According to Jim", it did manage to last 8 seasons and 182 episodes. Another example is "Alice" which is rarely mentioned in discussion of sitcoms from the 70's golden era but which lasted 9 seasons and 202 episodes and peaked at #4 in the ratings.
Most of these tropes are associated with Full House and other Miller-Boyett productions from the eighties. I was surprised to learn that M-B were also the producers of several classic seventies sitcoms, such as Happy Days and Mork & Mindy, that are generally considered to be of much better quality. So what happened? Is it a case of the old Hollywood saying that people buy big houses when they have their first big hits, but then have to keep making the house payments?
Any joke where a character trait is referenced and then immediately exhibited by a character who has never shown that trait before and likely never will again. Most commonly seen with caffeine or ADHD jokes, always virtually identical no matter how many different shows and movies try to present it as unique.
This seems like a good place to repost the laziest, most phoned-in sitcom opening EVER:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdC9nJzZNyI
CBS just advertised an upcoming episode of "B Positive" with the phrase "Say What?" Does that count toward your list of bad sitcoms?
@Kevin FitzMaurice
> My earlier post today was silly and nitpicky, and I'm sorry for it.
I don't think an apology is necessary here. I think Ken is being sensitive on behalf of Charlie Hauck.
As for Charlie's rules, this was the basis of a joke in The Naked Gun, as Frank Drebin was searching a drawer and said "Bingo!" in the sense of “Eureka!”. Of course, what he found was an actual Bingo card...
I just gave The Blues Brothers another shot, but I still couldn't get through it. Aretha is great, but overall it's underwritten with some dumb scenes and not a great vehicle for Belushi or Aykroyd.
But John Belushi in Continental Divide, with Blair Brown, gives a wonderful (and romantic!) performance and suggests he had untapped acting talent.
As for comedy cliches, one that shouldn't work is when a scene is capped with characters exchanging money to show that they bet on the outcome of what we just saw...but I always laugh.
Gosh, I'm glad I bought his book in 2013 when you first recommended it (or at least when I first saw your recommendation) for one cent plus $3.99 S&H!
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